Derek Jeter Is A Daddy Now

TMZ says that at long last, retired New York Yankee Derek Jeter and his model wife Hannah Davis are parents. 27-year-old Hannah gave birth to 43-year-old Derek Jeter’s first kid yesterday, a little girl named Bella Raine Jeter.

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Derek Jeter Got Married

Do you think they recycled his leftover “sex thank you” gift bags for the wedding favors? Former New York Yankees deity and industrious slut Derek Jeter married Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Hannah Davis in Napa Valley yesterday. They were engaged in October of last year. Just once, I want to see one of these celebrity sportsball dudes marry a civilian. Like a bank teller. Or a supermarket bagger. Or me. My husband would fully support this and make all the necessary arrangements. He’s good like that.

People reports that Mr. and Mrs. Jeter were married in an “intimate ceremony” at the Meadowood Napa Valley Resort in St. Helena, California. The bride wore the customary Vera Wang gowns (one for the ceremony, and one for the reception).

For you dress enthusiasts, her mermaid wedding gown featured “a sweetheart neckline, tulle halter high neck and plunging back.” It was just COVERED in layers of tulle and hand-appliqued Chantilly lace. Her reception dress was a “V-neck charmeuse halter gown with white illusion tulle detail at waist and double silk georgette A-line skirt accentuated by side godets.” “White illusion” sounds like Donald Trump’s secret campaign slogan. I had to look up what “godet” means. It’s a triangular piece of cloth that induces “flare.” I need more godets in my wardrobe. We all do.

There were less than a 100 guests and not a lot of celebrity involved, mainly just his sportsball friends.

Jeter retired from baseball in 2014 and has previously hinted that he wants to bat some viable sperm into his new wife’s outfield. Look, sports analogies aren’t my thing. I run like a girl. Actually, that’s totally sexist. I run like a really gay guy.

I hope at least one of those recycled wedding gift bags accidentally retained a blister pack of Valtrex signed by Jeter that reads “THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT. THIS IS JUST IN CASE…HUGS!”

Pic: Twitter

Derek Jeter Is Going To Be Somebody’s Husband

It’s the end of a man slut era. UsWeekly claims that former MVMS (most valuable man slut) Derek Jeter is engaged to his Sports Illustrated model girlfriend Hannah Davis. The executives at GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Valtrex, are loudly weeping as their stock PLUMMETS.

A source type tells Page Six that Derek proposed on Sunday, which was their 3 year anniversary. The source also says that Derek is so serious that he asked Hannah’s parents for their thumbs up to propose to their daughter. UsWeekly’s source says that he’s happy, Hannah’s happy, her family’s happy and everybody’s happy except for those GlaxoSmithKline execs.

“Their relationship works because they are both supportive and sweet to each other,” the source tells Us. “They almost never fight.”

And this is great, great, great news for all of Derek Jeter’s past one-night tricks. Because now they can get more on eBay for the post-fuck parting gift basket he gave them. Congratulations to us all!