To my surprise, Lena Dunham didn’t do her hipster duty by dressing up for Halloween as Eleven from Stranger Things (the bodega closest to her house must have run out of Eggos). Instead, she went topical and unloaded this election-themed ensemble onto us. We’ve already seen Katy Perry as a Primus Hillary Clinton and Orlando Bloom as Donald Trump. Lena has been campaigning hard for Hillary Clinton, so it’s not a surprise she would trick-or-treat as something election-themed. I was surprised that Lena’s election-themed Halloween costume didn’t have a strong nudity element. But maybe that’s because she realized that Katy Perry already did Naked Voter and didn’t want to steal her thunder. So she went as a “grabbed pussy.” I can already hear the “Takes one to know one!” jokes.
Lena posted a picture on Instagram of herself dressed as a punny version of Donald Trump’s favorite fame perk. She added the caption: “Happy Halloween! With love from a Grabbed Pussy #imanasshole.” I can already picture Donald Trump’s angry 2am Twitter response to Lena’s costume. “I would never grab Lena Dunham’s pussy or her asshole. Not my first choice, ever. If I were to grab anyone from the cast of Girls, it would be the blonde with the accent. What’s her name, Janina something? Terrific ass. DM me for a Tic Tac hookup, honey.”
I didn’t need to see Lena Dunham getting felt up by disembodied hands, which are waaaaay too big to be Trump’s, while she poses in a discounted Daiso cat ensemble. On the bright side, at least she didn’t go as “Billy’s Bush.”
Halloween isn’t only the one day of the year when I get in my car and drive through the neighborhood, looking to find a lazy person who just left a bowl of candies out for the kids, so that I can steal it and run off. It’s also the one day of the year when hundreds of sites declare that Heidi Klum Has Won Halloween Yet Again! Heidi Klum won last year when she did herself up like a Julie Masking version of Jessica Rabbit. Heidi won in 2014 when she did herself up as The Fly if The Fly was directed by Lisa Frank. And she won in 2013 when she did herself up as an Upper East Side abuelita. So last night, every blogger probably had their “Heidi Klum Got Another Gold Medal In Halloween-ing!” headlines ready to go, because Heidi Klum never really disappoints. But some were left confused and scared about the future of everything when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in NYC as herself. Heidi Klum came as Heidi Klum in one of Jennifer Lopez’s ugliest leotards, and was surrounded by a bunch of Klum klones. This is the part where we all wake up our inner Tyra Banks and scream at Heidi: “Do you know that all of America was rooting for you and then you come in here treating this like it’s a joke?! I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! How dare you!”
I wasn’t sure if Taylor Swift was going to celebrate Halloween this year. Since she spent her entire summer dressed up as an American Girlfriend doll and was no doubt all costumed out. But because there’s no holiday that will get you more attention than Halloween, both good and bad, Taylor put on a Deadpool costume borrowed from Blake Lively’s husband. Ryan Reynolds, meanwhile, probably went as someone who was once again embarrassed to be friends-by-association with Taylor Swift.
Taylor must have thrown her little Halloween party together at the last minute, because it appears the only squad members who were available to attend were a handful of the less-popular models. Joining high-ranking squad member model Gigi Hadid (as a boy scout) in the mandatory awkward costumed posing were Martha Hunt (as “Martha Brady“), Lily Donaldson (as a space hoochie), Kennedy Rayé (as a cat), Emmie Gundler (as chick in a mask and a unitard). And Fifth Harmony’s Camila Cabello. Camila dressed as a crazy old cat lady who accidentally sat on Taylor’s precious cat Meredith. And thus concludes Camila’s invitations to any and all of Taylor Swift’s squad get-togethers.
Here’s more of Taylor and her friends (but where is grocery clerk with half an eyelid?) during their Halloween-themed photoshoot…I mean “party.” Also included are some pics of Gigi Hadid walking to Taylor’s house in her boy scout costume. I wonder how many times she got asked by some gross dude on the street to help them “pitch a tent“?
No, you’re not looking at Courtney Stodden’s long-lost half-human, half-whatever-they-make-cheap-dildos-out-of sister; it’s actually the Queen of Halloween herself, Heidi Klum! Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party happened last night, and obviously Heidi is the only reason to care about that shit. As you probably already know, Heidi Klum loves Halloween. And this year, she decided to define terrifying by rolling up to her Halloween party as a humanized version of Jessica Rabbit.
Heidi posted a bunch of pictures on her Instagram showing her transformation from “Auf Wiedersehen” to “Leiber Gott, meine Augen!” (that’s “Dear God, my eyes!” in German). And basically, all it took was just a shitload of latex. Every part of Heidi is plastic: her lips, her tits, her ass, her ears, her eyes. Heidi Klum got the Heidi Montag special. It’s not so much Jessica Rabbit as it is what you’d get if Jessica Rabbit divorced Roger Rabbit’s annoying ass, but he missed her so much he had a Jessica Rabbit latex mask made and asked every trick he met on Toontown tinder to wear it while they had sex, but he accidentally left it face side down on the radiator beside a pile of purple condoms and it melted. It’s still 10000% more effort than most people put into their Halloween costumes though, so it gets a thumbs up from me.
With all that being said, you know Kim Kardashian just texted this picture of Heidi Klum to all her sisters with the words “Gorgeous, right? So natural. Trying to find out the name of her surgeon right now.”
Here’s more of Heidi Rabbit last night, as well as all the other famous people at her party, including Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart dressed as Marc Anthony, Emily Ratajowski as Marge Simpson, and Shanina Shaik as “Pour It Up” Rihanna (which is Slutoween commitment, considering it was cold as HELL last night).
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
Because It’s Not Technically Halloween Until Heidi Klum Dresses Up Like A Terrifying Giant Alien Butterfly…
Behold, the Almighty Queen of Halloween descending upon the masked and wigged masses to teach us fools how it’s done! Heidi Klum once again killed, buried, and held a solemn and dignified funeral for Halloween when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in New York City last night dressed as a butterfly on bath salts. That butterfly is everything. It’s like a David Cronenberg fever dream. It’s like BenDeLaCreme in bug drag after drinking the liquid inside a lava lamp and fucking a fabric store. It’s like a Lisa Frank fart. It’s the broken condom baby of The Tick and Liberace.
Heidi, who has been everything from a gem-encrusted Cleopatra to the future version of herself, explained to E! why she chose to dress up as the creature from Mariah Carey’s worst Ambien hallucination this year:
“Well someone very special to my heart called me a schmetterling [German word for butterfly], so I wanted to be a butterfly this year,” Klum told E! News, adding, “They’re just so pretty and colorful and I used to love painting butterflies.”
If she wanted to go as a butterfly so badly, she should have gone as a lower-back butterfly tattoo! I’m not complaining – that bug-eyed bitch looks FIERCE – but how awesome would it have been for her to show up wearing a giant ass costume with a full-sized butterfly painted just above the butt crack with the words “Just Breath” and the Chinese character for love on either side. NEXT YEAR, HEIDI.