Heidi Klum is a model, she’s a TV talent show judge, but above all, she’s a huge fan of Halloween. Heidi Klum doesn’t half-ass her costumes; you’ll never see her wearing a cheap striped polyester suit and going as a trademark-skirting Juice Demon. Last year she went a little lazy by dressing up as herself. This year she kind of made up for it by using a whole crate of film-grade latex, prosthetics, artificial animal fur, and spirit gum to transform herself into Michael Jackson at the beginning of “Thriller.”
If you love the kind of grotesque imagery that will turn your stomach and haunt your dreams forever, then you’re no doubt a fan of Today’s annual Halloween costume parade of half-assed horrors. Obviously nothing will ever top the year they dropped nightmares all over your childhood by dressing up as a near-sighted serial killer’s idea of the Peanuts gang. This year the Today crew slipped into their best country-fied drag for a Grand Ole Opry-themed Halloween.
Kim Kardashian has decided to start Halloween a little early by taking time out of her busy schedule of attention whoring to dress up as three beloved musical icons; Cher, Aaliyah and Madonna. And yes, she’s posted millons of videos of herself because if she doesn’t post it for everyone to see, then did it really happen?
To my surprise, Lena Dunham didn’t do her hipster duty by dressing up for Halloween as Eleven from Stranger Things (the bodega closest to her house must have run out of Eggos). Instead, she went topical and unloaded this election-themed ensemble onto us. We’ve already seen Katy Perry as a Primus Hillary Clinton and Orlando Bloom as Donald Trump. Lena has been campaigning hard for Hillary Clinton, so it’s not a surprise she would trick-or-treat as something election-themed. I was surprised that Lena’s election-themed Halloween costume didn’t have a strong nudity element. But maybe that’s because she realized that Katy Perry already did Naked Voter and didn’t want to steal her thunder. So she went as a “grabbed pussy.” I can already hear the “Takes one to know one!” jokes.
Lena posted a picture on Instagram of herself dressed as a punny version of Donald Trump’s favorite fame perk. She added the caption: “Happy Halloween! With love from a Grabbed Pussy #imanasshole.” I can already picture Donald Trump’s angry 2am Twitter response to Lena’s costume. “I would never grab Lena Dunham’s pussy or her asshole. Not my first choice, ever. If I were to grab anyone from the cast of Girls, it would be the blonde with the accent. What’s her name, Janina something? Terrific ass. DM me for a Tic Tac hookup, honey.”
I didn’t need to see Lena Dunham getting felt up by disembodied hands, which are waaaaay too big to be Trump’s, while she poses in a discounted Daiso cat ensemble. On the bright side, at least she didn’t go as “Billy’s Bush.”
Halloween isn’t only the one day of the year when I get in my car and drive through the neighborhood, looking to find a lazy person who just left a bowl of candies out for the kids, so that I can steal it and run off. It’s also the one day of the year when hundreds of sites declare that Heidi Klum Has Won Halloween Yet Again! Heidi Klum won last year when she did herself up like a Julie Masking version of Jessica Rabbit. Heidi won in 2014 when she did herself up as The Fly if The Fly was directed by Lisa Frank. And she won in 2013 when she did herself up as an Upper East Side abuelita. So last night, every blogger probably had their “Heidi Klum Got Another Gold Medal In Halloween-ing!” headlines ready to go, because Heidi Klum never really disappoints. But some were left confused and scared about the future of everything when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in NYC as herself. Heidi Klum came as Heidi Klum in one of Jennifer Lopez’s ugliest leotards, and was surrounded by a bunch of Klum klones. This is the part where we all wake up our inner Tyra Banks and scream at Heidi: “Do you know that all of America was rooting for you and then you come in here treating this like it’s a joke?! I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! How dare you!”
I wasn’t sure if Taylor Swift was going to celebrate Halloween this year. Since she spent her entire summer dressed up as an American Girlfriend doll and was no doubt all costumed out. But because there’s no holiday that will get you more attention than Halloween, both good and bad, Taylor put on a Deadpool costume borrowed from Blake Lively’s husband. Ryan Reynolds, meanwhile, probably went as someone who was once again embarrassed to be friends-by-association with Taylor Swift.
Taylor must have thrown her little Halloween party together at the last minute, because it appears the only squad members who were available to attend were a handful of the less-popular models. Joining high-ranking squad member model Gigi Hadid (as a boy scout) in the mandatory awkward costumed posing were Martha Hunt (as “Martha Brady“), Lily Donaldson (as a space hoochie), Kennedy Rayé (as a cat), Emmie Gundler (as chick in a mask and a unitard). And Fifth Harmony’s Camila Cabello. Camila dressed as a crazy old cat lady who accidentally sat on Taylor’s precious cat Meredith. And thus concludes Camila’s invitations to any and all of Taylor Swift’s squad get-togethers.
Here’s more of Taylor and her friends (but where is grocery clerk with half an eyelid?) during their Halloween-themed photoshoot…I mean “party.” Also included are some pics of Gigi Hadid walking to Taylor’s house in her boy scout costume. I wonder how many times she got asked by some gross dude on the street to help them “pitch a tent“?