Selena Gomez is having a tough time lately and has reportedly checked into a mental health facility for treatment for anxiety and depression. It seems like she’s having a breakdown is awful and all, but what about the person for whom this situation is really hurting? How is Selena’s ex Justin Bieber weathering this storm, you’ve probably wondered? Answer: Not well. And the joy that must spring from getting secretly married without a prenup to a model isn’t helping with his sadness and guilt over his ex. E! reports that Justin is having a hard time and acting like he might be at fault for some of Selena’s pain. Leave it to Bieber (see what I did there) to make the pain of a woman suffering from anxiety and depression supposedly related to her ongoing battle with lupus in addition to complications from a kidney transplant all about him.
It was yesterday we learned that Stephen Baldwin is signing out loud, “We’re in the mooooonay!“, after it was reported that Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber did get married after all and did it without a prenup. Well, Justin and Hailey fans (and if you exist, I’m judging you), sorry but hold that celebratory vape hit you took and press pause on the terrible SoundCloud rapper you’re trying to introduce to all your friends; they ain’t married yet. At least, not according to the one person who matters: GOD.
So I guess Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are like legit married? This is what we can confirm? It sure is what TMZ is saying is the truth. We know they for sure got a marriage license and were chilling at a courthouse. But Hailey denied they were married. So they are most likely married, but for some reason are being weird about it. Maybe TMZ has insight into that weirdness, because according to them: there is no prenup. Congrats Hailey, and Stephen Baldwin who now has a new job: calling his daughter every day for a loan.
Hallelujah! The clouds have parted and a single ray of sunlight is shining brightly over Justin Bieber, because divine Hillsong intervention has worked for the first time in history and blessed him with a sprinkling of common sense. Despite Justin Bieber looking like a homeless tweaker in that picture above (“Only ‘looking’?” thought anyone who has seen THAT video), he’s worth millions. TMZ reports that The Biebs and Hailey Baldwin did not get secret married last week after being spotted obtaining their marriage license, because they are busy working out a prenup before they hit the gallows- I mean aisle. It’s a Hollywood miracle! A completely rational decision being made by two horny celebrity 20 somethings in a rush to get married. This brings a tear to my eye.
TMZ is claiming that the reportedly-unmarried-so-far Justin Bieber is applying to become a U.S. citizen. Does that mean we can trade Trump to Canada? Isn’t there some kind of strict mega-celebrity asshole quota between nations that must remain perfectly balanced or the earth will fly into the sun? We can’t live in a country that houses both of them. It’s inhumane.
UPDATE: Or at least Hailey Baldwin claims they didn’t get married yet.
I understand where the speculation is coming from, but I’m not married yet!
— Hailey Baldwin (@haileybaldwin) September 14, 2018
Can someone please go check on Selena Gomez?! And not Taylor Swift – she’ll be too busy cartwheeling around the bedroom in glee to provide much therapy. It was only over our first cup of coffee this morning that Kristian spilled the tea that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin had been spotted down at the NYC Marriage Bureau yesterday, and some figured they were getting a marriage license and hightailing it to Canada to get married. Well, it sounds like they went ahead and got married at the courthouse after being engaged for two months. And yes, if you’re like me you heard the sound of a shot gun before asking, “Wait, The Biebs can make jizz?”