Buckle up, kiddos. Justin Bieber is pissed y’all have been taunting his marriage to Hailey Baldwin. Oh, and he has new music planned. Earlier this month, the Biebz asked us all to pray for him, which I thought was because he had spent an afternoon in the presence of Anna Wintour for that Vogue spread with Hailey. The asking for prayers was due to his mental health situation. But he took time to say there’s new music planned on the other side of his treatment. Also, he wouldn’t mind if people who pen Justin/Selena Gomez fanfiction lay off the Hailey bashing.
Justin Bieber needs your thoughts and prayers, but mostly just your prayers, because what good are thoughts if they’re not #blessed? Justin’s not doing so great lately, despite having recently become a happily married man. On Instagram, Justin posted that he’s been “struggling a lot” and “just feeling super disconnected and weird”, which I think a lot of us just call “M-F and Most Weekends”. But who is Justin Bieber if he’s not having a spiritual crisis? Just an extraordinarily wealthy young dude with an unfortunate haircut, I’m afraid. So for Justin, the only way to weather this storm is through vigorous piety and prayer. And the way you can tell how good you are at it, is by how hard you squeeze your eyes shut.
No offense to Us Weekly. Their covers are better.
There’s been many rumors about how Conde Nast is looking to push out the Dark High Priestess of Fashion Anna Wintour, but they have always denied that shit. But I wouldn’t label you as a dirty lie-teller if you told me that the rumors are true, and Anna Wintour knows her days of terrorizing Vogue are coming to an end, which is why she’s burning that bitch to the ground by turning it into a third-tier tabloid. See: Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin Bieber on March’s cover looking liked a bored dead-inside rich Central Florida housewife humping on her just-released-from-juvi teenage pool boy lover. Honestly, it would be more interesting and edgy if Anna gave the cover of Vogue to an actual bored dead-inside rich Central Florida housewife and her just-released-from-juvi teenage pool boy lover.
I wonder how many people on set had to resist the urge to pluck those pills off of Hailey’s dress, because they needed something to make them forget these two are going to be on the cover of Vogue?
Unsurprisingly, the very-religious OG Aaron Carter that is Justin Bieber went the religious route with his newest tattoo choice and got the word Grace tattooed just above his eyebrow, which is better than getting the word Holy over his butt crack like he first thought. And on a positive note, at least the Jesus tattoo on his leg has another reason to throw a “bitch, please” eye roll.
Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin welcomed a new member of their family, a tiny Yorkie puppy named Oscar. Over the weekend, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber shared a copious Instagram stories and posts featuring their practice baby. The intimate photos show that the Bieber/Baldwin’s are proponents of co-sleeping and that Hailey probably does most of the heavy lifting when it comes to day-to-day parenting.
Sales of potentially dangerous jade genital eggs on GOOP must be at an all-time low, because Gwyneth Paltrow is commenting on Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin’s social media behavior. That’s one way to get some press and maybe stir up sales of overpriced elitist crap. But she’s barking up the wrong social media account. The kids that follow these two can’t afford to spend $795 on a sweater! According to tooFab, Goopy is in agreement with many of us who feel that Terror Toddler and his wife are sharing too much on social media. It’s just that it’s Gwyneth and, speaking of oversharing, didn’t she share her tips for steam-pressing your vagina? Next!