Up until yesterday if you went to the definition of “vengeance” on Merriam-Webster.com, you’d find this looking at you:
: punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense : retribution
If you went there today, you’d find this:
A movie with an all-Asian cast easily beating a shit movie starring a dried-up butt plug dingle who once half-blinded an Asian man in a violent racist attack.
Because Crazy Rich Asians is the current reigning head bitch of the domestic box office after bringing in a little over $25 million this weekend. It’s brought in a total of around $34 million since opening last Wednesday. CRA had a production cost of $30 million. It’s the first all-Asian major Hollywood movie to come out since the Joy Luck Club twenty five damn years ago. The sweetened cherry is that CRA whooped the cold shit out of Marky Mark’s Mile 22, which stank up the box office with the smell of turd by making only $13.6 million. Marky Mark pouting and getting mad in the face over a bunch of Asians checking him at the box office is my idea of beautiful visual poetry. Although, Mile 22 also stars Indonesian action star Iko Uwais, so Marky is probably thinking, “See, I try to make g’ud with yooze people by putting one of you yooze in my movie and this is what happens!”
Sarah Palin, America’s unofficial mascot of the “I wanna speak to the manager” set, seems to pride herself on being a real no-nonsense, straight-shooting, human bullshit detector. Except that she clearly isn’t. Sarah recently admitted that she was bamboozled by a disguised Sacha Baron Cohen for his upcoming Showtime series, Who is America?. A better title might be Who in America is Still Getting Tricked by Sacha Baron Cohen 12 Years After Borat? The answer is Sarah Palin is. And she’s super-duper gosh-darn peeved-off about it.
There’s extra reason to throw back a cold cocktail of your choice this afternoon (mine will be a self-invented drink called the Ha Ha Harvey, made of the best booze in my liquor cabinet and shaken with 100% pettiness). As expected, Harvey Weinstein surrendered himself to the NYPD’s 1st precinct this morning. The only way this news could be better would be if Detective Fin Tutuola were standing at the door to mutter, “Looks like there’s one less perv on the streets” on his walk in.
If there’s an unofficial list of humans that you’d want to slap in the face, Harvey Weinstein is probably right up there at the top. Last night a restaurant patron decided to do just that, twice.
Well well well, what do we have here? A family-values politician who might have accidentally outed himself as a porn hound. You know, I always got the feeling Senator Ted Cruz was a bumbling doofus. But little did I know he was the type of doofus who could absolutely screw up a late-night online porn search. Congratulations, Ted – you succeeded at something! What? Being an idiot is technically something.
Last year, former Playboy Playmate Dani Mathers earned her own special wing in the Rude Bitch Hall of Fame after she body shamed an older naked woman in her gym change room on Snapchat. Since then, things haven’t gone so great for Dani and they’re not getting any better. I’m sure a single sympathetic tear just rolled down your eye.