Ed Sheeran almost got interesting earlier this month when he took a sword right to the face. Britain’s chastest pop star was hanging out with Princess Beatrice, James Blunt, and his girlfriend (maybe wife?) Cherry Seaborn at the Princess’s palace when James suggested that he’d like to be knighted. Wacky hijinks ensue!
For the first time in recent memory, Tyga has a reason to wake up and get his ass out of the bed Kylie Jenner probably bought for him. Tyga is currently participating in a debtors examination over the unpaid jewelry bill he owes to Jason of Beverly Hills. The only problem is, that exam isn’t going so well because Tyga’s memory isn’t good when it comes to explaining how his money is spent on his girlfriend.
No need to send me a thank you e-mail for hitting your eyeballs with the sight of Billy Bush’s feets, snow-covered chest fur forest and hairy pits. The sound of that panty pudding wave crashing has already told me that you’re thankful.
Everybody has reported that Billy Bush’s suspension has already been made permanent and that Matt Lauer has reclaimed his title as the Biggest Douche of the Today Show. Billy was removed as co-host of Today’s 3rd hour after that tape of him grossly giggling over Donald Trump bragging about sexual assault came out. Billy is pretty much done at NBC and an announcement is coming, but Page Six says that he’s not going down without trying to punch out the Peacock.
As Donald Trump’s campaign lives on and Trump supporters dislocate their shoulders from reaching so damn hard while trying to defend that pussy grab shit, Billy Bush is wondering if he should do damage control by checking into rehab for dumbfuckness or by getting his picture taken as he gently pets pussies (with permission) at a cat shelter. Billy got his ass suspended from Today and NBC may permanently wax off the Bush. And sources tell Page Six that Billy Bush may only have his own stupidity to blame. Sources say that NBC staffers only started looking for the tape when Billy Bush bragged about its existence. So Billy Bush may have fucked himself. Oh, schadenfreude, it’s always a good day when you spoon me from behind and whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
Last week, the always-truthful British literary periodical known as The Sun said that Bond producer Barbara Broccoli and the head bitches at Sony came up with a short list of actors who could possibly replace STAINS eyeball twin Daniel Craig if he really decides to hang up his tux for good. Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Fassbender, Luke Evans, Aidan Turner, Charlie Hunnam, James Norton and Billy Elliot were all on that short list, according to The Sun. But well, the always-truthful American literary periodical known as Radar claims that the head bitches at Sony aren’t even thinking about touching that short list and are instead sending dump trucks full of gold bars to Daniel Craig’s house, because they really, really want him back. Those around Tom Hiddleston better brace their eardrums, because I have a feeling that the internal scream he’s been holding in for months is going to come shooting out of his mouth when he finds out that he dad-danced at a Selena Gomez concert and played patty cake with Taylor Swift’s cats for NOTHING!
TMZ says that the police in Los Angeles currently have a bench warrant for the immediate arrest of Kylie Jenner’s part-time rapper/full-time broke joke boyfriend Tyga. Of course it has everything to do with money. More specifically, the dumb shit ways Tyga spends it.
The warrant was issued after Tyga failed to show up to court today. That really shouldn’t surprise anyone; Tyga has such a notoriously busy schedule of hanging out with his teenage girlfriend, after all. Tyga was supposed to appear in court to talk about his bank account. One of Tyga’s many disgruntled former landlords recently called up their lawyer after they saw that Tyga had bought Kylie a $190,000 car for her birthday. You see, Tyga rented a home in Malibu a few years ago, and he was ordered by a judge to fork over $480,000 in unpaid rent. That landlord hasn’t been paid back yet.
The landlord didn’t see that new car as a stupid empty gesture to a spoiled millionaire teen like the rest of us did. TMZ says that landlord considered it to be a “fraudulent transfer of assets“, and that the money should have been used to pay back the rent Tyga owes them.
Tyga was supposed to go to court to explain himself, but he was a no-show. That’s when the judge issued a bench warrant and now the police have the authority to arrest Tyga the second they find him.
If the police have trouble finding Tyga, they should start with Kylie. Or rather, her bank kard. Just call up 7th Circle Financial and politely ask for the last three places it was used. Wherever Kylie is spending money, you can be sure he’ll be right there with her.