Cue the music! Radar is reporting that The Deaner and his wandering peener have been released from sex rehab, and he’s ready to make up for some lost time! And you’ll never believe my luck: I was able to obtain a transcript from the press conference he held this morning at the Hooters in Van Nuys:
“What’s been crappenin bitches? Thank you all for being here to welcome me back into your folds. YES! Nailed it. But seriously, your old pal Deano couldn’t have made it through the past 30 days without your love, support, sexts, snapchats, and visitation day over-the-pants handies. A big shout-out to Sharla, Starla, the girls of Hooters 127 and 342, that chick with the cans…fuck, what was her name again? Oh yeah, Dr. Elenor Weinstein. Thanks for telling Tori I’m cured! Alright, who wants to be the first to give The Deener a beejer?”
Oh, Dean McDermott, you scamp. After being released from his Tori Spelling-imposed rehabilitation for wandering gold diggers, The Deaner’s first order of business wasn’t, in fact, to let a group of Hooters girls run a train on his dad dick. A source tells Radar that the minute Dean checked out, he marched straight home and poured salt into Tori’s gaping chest hole by telling her she needs to get her shit together and seek treatment for her spending problem:
“There are nights that Dean doesn’t sleep because he is so concerned about how they are going to pay the bills. Tori is willing to get help, but complains she doesn’t have time because of their four kids.”
Uh-huh. I’m so sure the reason he’s losing sleep is because Tori drops too much money at American Girl, and has nothing to do with the countless texts he receives that say: “Remember when u fucked me at yr wife’s book signing? I think I’m pregnant “
And excuse you, Source, but what spending problem? Don’t all families on the brink of bankruptcy throw over-the-top birthday parties and lavish afternoon teas? Besides, Tori has a plan to fix this temporary money problem, and it’s called the C.A.N.D.Y. method.
Call up your rich mother
Ask for money
Never accept no for an answer
Dial her number again & Demand money
You just put in a long day at work. Y not reward yourself with a new house?
What in the name of Simple Jack chipmunk fuck is going on with Miley Cyrus’s hair? How does something like this even happen? The conversation between her and whoever is responsible for this mess must have gone something like this:
Miley: Bowl cut.
Hairdresser: Like Dumb & Dumber?
Hairdresser: The Three Stooges?
Aside from that hair that really brings out the derp in Miley’s face, with those high waisted suspender pants and belly shirt, she looks like any girl at my high school in the 90′s (yeah, I’m fucking old). She’s missing these supersexy lug sole shoes and an ankh necklace, but the resemblance is still there. I tried to pull shit like that off but my mom always bought my clothes three sizes too big insisting I’d grow into them and wouldn’t let me show my belly so I had to stuff a long shirt into REALLY baggy pants. With my off-brand platform patent leather black and white spectator shoes, I was some green makeup and a fedora away from looking like the fucking Mask dressed up for prom.
Here are some more pics of Miley looking like a peroxided gloster canary.
Today in Calabasas, CA, the police raided a white dude’s house and arrested the black guy. Oh, America! While the police were searching Justin Bieber’s house for any kind of evidence that can connect him to the egging of his next door neighbor’s ass, they found a bag of molly or coke or some kind of illegal drug. Justin Bieber’s friend Lil Za, who also lives there, was arrested, because his ass knows who pays the bills and who buys the drugs, so he took the fall.
Lil Za was booked for felony drug possession, his mug shot of beauty was taken and he had to marinate in a jail cell for a little bit before he was released. But because Lil Za is as good at making decisions as Justin Bieber is, he threw a tantrum and broke a phone in the jailhouse. TMZ says that the anal bead-brained idiot was minutes away from freedom. The cops arrested his ass again and booked him for vandalism.
Lil Za is a bonda fide dumb fuck for taking the fall for his sugar daddy even if his sugar daddy pays all the bills. I’m all for being down for your sugar daddy, but there’s a line somewhere. (Yes, we live in a weird world where Justin Bieber is the “daddy” in a relationship.) But Lil Za is really a bona fide dumb fuck for beating that phone up while in jail. I bet Lil Za was on the phone with Justin and Justin let him know that he’d have to sleep in the guest room tonight. Justin and Lil Twist want the bed to themselves tonight. No cuddlies turn Lil Za into an angry bitch.
And I hate that every time I see Lil Za’s dumb name somewhere, I read it as LiZa and I get excited for a quick second before learning the sad, sad truth.
In a bathroom at Justin Bieber’s house in Calabasas, CA early this morning, one member of the Wild Boyz nervously flushed dozens and dozens of eggs down the toilet while another member shoved whole huevos up Justin Bieber’s ass while screaming, “Spread ‘em wider! Spread ‘em wider! Like Usher taught you!” As the cops knocked on the front door, the leader of the Wild Boyz and his crew tried to get rid of all the evidence (eggidence?) of their egg attack on a neighbor’s house. HIDE ALL THE HUEVOS!
TMZ says that cops showed up to Justin Bieber’s house this morning with a felony search warrant in hand and started looking for any evidence they can use to connect him to the egging of his next door neighbor’s house. The cops are making The Biebs wait in his garage while they search his house, so push that cup of lukewarm caffeine aside and get high on the image of him in his drop-crotch footie pajamas pouting in the corner as the cops look for surveillance footage of the run-by egging and any eggs whose shells match the shells found at the scene of the crime. That last sentence sounds like the most riveting scene in Nick Jr.’s newest show CSI: Playground Jungle Gym.
You know this shit is serious, because there’s a battering ram at the scene. Or maybe TMZ got their info wrong and that battering ram is really a butt dildo that Kim Kardashian ordered and it’s slowly making its way to Pimp Mama Kris‘ house.
TMZ says that if the cops find anything illegal, including the bad shit, they could use it against The Biebs. Well, that twat zit is screwed, because they’ll charge him with committing assault on eyeballs when they find hundreds of pairs of diaper pants and they’ll charge him with committing assault on ears when they find his un-auto-tuned demo tracks.
We can all laugh at Justin Beiber facing prison time for egging, but this is just the street cred he needs to finally be taken seriously as the hardest hood rat thug in the game. All the murderers and gang members of the cell block will bow down to Justin Bieber when they find out he’s in there for assaulting his neighbor’s house with eggs. The Eggfather IS about that life.
UPDATE: The cops say that they gathered a bunch of evidence and they’re going to look at it before they decide what to do next. Justin Bieber’s moocher Lil Za was caught with coke at the scene. He was arrested for felony drug possession and he was also arrested for giving himself the nickname Lil Za.
(Pic via Instagram)
You know your level of bullshit is in a league of it’s own when you can easily be crowned the most annoying motherfucker in a room whose occupants include Jonah Hill and Bono.
P. Diddy must have been painfully aware that the expiration date stamped on his ass cheek is from years ago because he spent his time on stage at the Golden Globes milking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth. I like to think I have a high patience level (I’ve been trying to write this while my five year old lists every dinosaur he knows and he started just making shit up thirty names ago) but I had some serious rage last night watching Diddy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, move to the side or let
Usher Kate Beckinsale be the prettiest princess. She may have looked like she used Pam cooking spray as moisturizer, but I’d rather look at a shiny Kate any day of the week (and maybe let some lesbian daydreams sneak in there) than spend any amount of time looking at Diddy’s DUH face.
I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you fuck socket!!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments of the night happened. When Diddy went to hug Bono (and maybe throw a smooch down on his face or some shit; it was hard to tell because the whole thing was a clusterfuck), Bono straight up swerved his ass.
All those rumors of Diddy’s breath smelling like a mix of matted hobo pubes and Kristen Stewart’s unwashed gash might have something to them. The only thing Bono has ducked faster than Diddy’s advances is paying taxes!
When Justin Bieber went straight up hardcore middle school thuggin’ Thursday night and egged the shit out of his neighbor’s house, I was pretty underwhelmed. No rolls of toilet paper thrown in the trees? No messages painted on the driveway with waterproof sealer that say shit like “the devil lives here” that won’t show up until the next time it rains? No giant dick and balls burned into the front lawn with bleach? Take several seats, Justin, and let the grown ups handle this. Amateur.
TMZ says the L.A. County Sheriff’s detectives are not letting Justin’s newest attempt to prove he’s the baddest motherfucker in his gated community slide. In California, if you cause over $400 in damages, you can be charged with felony vandalism. Since the home Justin egged is all fancy and shit, there is a possibility that it will cost tens of thousands of dollars to repair the Venetian plaster on the exterior of the home. Detectives have asked the homeowners to submit repair bids by Monday.
The Biebs has already been pressing his luck with all his bullshit shenanigans. L.A. County needs to throw the book at him. Come ooooon, Sheriff’s department! No Lohans, no Lohans!
In case Santa couldn’t fit any schadenfreude in your stocking next to the coal, condoms and lube, USWeekly has a little karmic deliciousness for you. They are reporting that Dean McDermott cheated on Tori Spelling earlier this month after meeting 28-year old Emily Goodhand (now and forever known as Emily Handjob) through friends while he was in Toronto pimping out his hosting gig for Chopped Canada. Miss Handjob gave the magazine an exclusive interview.
“He told me he and Tori had a sexless marriage,” says Goodhand, who stayed over at his hotel the following night too. “I believed him.“
Dean! The first rule of Goldiggers’s Club is to not bite the hand that feeds you. Now you march right over to Candy’s house and say you’re sorry. While you’re there, ask for a check so you can take a Cheating Sleaze 101 class down at the rec center and get yourself some new lines. The sexless marriage shtick is so old it watched Jesus lace up his sandals.
And Emily! Guuuurl, you just became the piñata Tori is going to beat to death until the checks run dry. Get some home wrecking standards for yourself and cross everything from your fingers to those whore legs that Dean was able to get down to the Humane Society and qualify for their low-cost spay and neuter program because Tori would milk a pregnant mistress story for all it’s worth.
It looks like Tori is going to go against everything she believes in by ignoring attention from the press and is pretending everything is A-OK if this blog entry is any indication. You can’t fool us, Tori. We know you’ve already posted an open position at Tori Spelling, Inc., looking for somebody who has a way with words and can painfully force either your first or last name into the title of a book that will document the aftermath of Dean’s (alleged) affair. May I suggest “The STori Of How You Get A Man Is How You Lose A Man“?
“It’s for business, enslaver!” is supposedly what Madge spat at a trick who told her to stop texting during the New York Film Festival premiere of 12 Years A Slave, a movie about slavery. HA. Only Madge would cry about getting stripped of her texting privileges during a movie about a man getting stripped of his freedom. I’m surprised that all the actors on the screen didn’t stop to shed a tear for Madge, because yeah, they have it bad, but at least nobody told them to stop texting during a movie.
Madge wasn’t in an Alamo Drafthouse when she got caught texting, but that didn’t stop the theater chain’s owner from getting a little free publicity from it. The CEO of Alamo Drafthouse Tim League, who has declared war on movie theater texters and talkers, declared in a tweet that Madge is forever banned from all of his theaters until she apologizes for the sin she has committed.
— Tim League (@timalamo) October 11, 2013
Entertainment Weekly asked Tim League if he’s serious about banning her ass, and he shook his head yes even though he knows that she probably never goes to public movie theaters since she prefers to watch movies in her home screening room while sitting on Baby Brahim’s naked lap. Tim League said, “Yeah, I’m serious, but I don’t think it really affects her life that much.”
A couple of years ago, Alamo Drafthouse made an anti-texting PSA out of a hilarious voicemail from an angry asshole who got kicked out of their theater for texting. In case you forgot:
I don’t think Tim should ban Madge from his theaters. Instead he should give her free tickets. And after she shows up and gets kicked out for texting during the movie, they should record her getting revenge on them by sucking their souls out with her vadge and ripping their throats out with her velociraptor claws. Because they need a new PSA.
Is Gene Simmons’ tongue studded or are those…forget it. I don’t need that today.
When Backdoor Farrah bragged to TMZ that she became a millionaire from her porno pretending to be a “leaked sex tape,” every unemployed college graduate with $100,000 in students loans screamed at her parents for not telling her to get knocked up at 16 so she could get on Teen Mom, which would lead to a lucrative career as a professional fame whore. If Backdoor Farrah taught us anything, she taught us that the easiest way to get famous is to push something out of your twat and the easiest way to get money is by pushing something into your twat. But Fox411 shattered everyone’s doody bubble dreams of becoming a teen mom turned millionaire porn star, because they say Backdoor Farrah didn’t make $1 million for butt swallowing James Deen’s peen. The money that Farrah made upfront isn’t even enough to pay the rent on a 100-square-foot studio apartment in Harlem for a year.
Some source tells Fox411 that Farrah was paid only $10,000 after she signed the contract and she was promised 30 percent of sales. Pippi Dongstocking also got $10k for her sex tape. The source also said that back in the olden days, hos like Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions for their sex tapes, but it’s not like that anymore since everybody can watch sex tapes for free on the tube sites.
“In reality she (Abraham) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity. It’s all hype.”
Jasmine Waltz, who got famous for humping David Arquette and bearding for Ryan Seacrest, said that she thought her sex tape would make money fall from the sky, but she was lied to.
“Vivid told me they would give $125,000 and 25 percent of the back end, all the sales that are made. Basically, you’ll never see the back end after advertisement. You won’t get the money. It’s a very untrustworthy business. Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter got burned really, really bad. She got $60,000 dollars and never saw another penny.”
Well, in Backdoor Farrah’s case, James Deen got at least 100 percent of the back end (120 percent when he was fully hard) and his fingers got around 65 percent of the front end.
Okay, $10,000 to do anal is $10,000 more than I’ve been paid to do anal (that’s not true, I think somebody bought me a slice once, cheese ONLY), but it’s hilarious that ho was going around saying that she squirted out a million dollars from her b-hole when she really only made enough money to put a down payment on a basic model Kia Forte. But whatever, Farrah is the Mother Theresa of backdoor porn because she practically gave away up-close shots of her freshly fucked b-hole for free and besides, her porn has lead to bigger and better things like posing on the cover of a magazine that legendary beauty Courtney Stodden once posed for.
No, I don’t think that’s Photoshopped. Ole dude impaled himself on the pitchfork when he found out he had to pose next to Farrah Abraham.
Radar says that as you’re reading this, the angels are singing while a wrecking ball smashes into the ugly set for Pimp Mama Kris’ Hour of Whoring. Or maybe Universal Studios will buy it from FOX to use in their Addams Family attraction since it’s kind of hard to reproduce creepiness like that.
Pimping out her granddaughter not once, but twice, worked for a second, but it wasn’t enough for FOX to give PMK’s talk show a full season. A source tells Radar that FOX recently told Pimp Mama Kris that the ratings for the Summer test run of her talk show sucked harder than the Kardashian family at-home lipo vacuum and so they aren’t picking up her show.
GOD IS REAL!!!!!!
The source said this:
“There is no chance the talk show is going to get a green light from FOX. The ratings were averaging an abysmal 0.8 and advertisers were less than enthusiastic about it.
Kris did get a ratings bump for her last show when Kanye West revealed the first baby pic of daughter, North West, with Kim, but that was a one time shot in the arm and it wouldn’t be indicative of what the ratings trend would be.”
FOX had a camera on Pimp Mama Kris’ face the moment they told her that her talk show would not be coming back and they plan to sell the footage to psychiatrists who will use it as a visual anti-depressant on their patients. Because nothing will make you feel like a ball of sunshine like seeing a piece of Pimp Mama Kris’ Whore Kingdom come crumbling down.
FOX is going to wait a week or three to announce it and they plan to slip the news out on a Friday afternoon, hoping that nobody will notice. It will be hard not to notice when everyone’s screaming the news from the top of rainbows and skipping down the streets while toasting each other with cups full of Andre.
Don’t worry about Pimp Mama Kris, though. Now she’ll have even more time to come up with new and creative ways to take down Lamar Odom. Speaking of, here’s Lamar at Taco Bell today. I guess Lamar buying Pintos ‘N Cheese means that he traded in his crack pipe for a bong for now.