How fitting: a place famous for taking two buns and stuffing them with greasy questionable meat topped with plastic cheese volunteering to cater the wedding of a cheesy plastic-faced woman most famous for stuffing greasy questionable meat in her buns.
Burger King responded to a story released earlier this week by the Daily Star that said Kanye West was planning on buying 10 European Burger King restaurants as a wedding present for the Grade-F meat patty herself, Kim Kardashian; and knowing that it was most likely untrue, and proving that they have a good sense of humour, they released the following statement to NME:
Burger King Corp. is familiar with the recent news stories regarding Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. We are unaware of any purchase of BURGER KING® restaurants made by either Mr. West or Ms. Kardashian, but we’re available to cater the wedding!
If Kim and Kanye were smart, they’d take Burger King up on that offer, because the scent of Whoppers and BK onion rings is the only thing strong enough to mask the stench of their obnoxious shit-show of a wedding. Plus, the promise of Burger King also works as an incentive to get people to actually show up, since there probably won’t be an open bar (Pimp Mama Kris is a cheap penny-pinching pimp). Then again, the lure of Whoppers might not be enough to make people want to risk being trampled to death by Khloe and The Sock One during the bouquet toss.
Since I moved back to L.A., I’v experienced massive amounts of dumb fuck drivers and most of the time I have to turn on a Carpenters and/or stick an ice cube up my ass to cool down. Bitches have tailgated me just to tailgate me and usually I love it when an angry whore is riding me hard, but I’d prefer if we were both out of our cars, naked and lubed up. Whenever I’m dealing with a tailgater, I always move over and sometimes those dumb shits move over with me and continue to ride me just to fuck with me. When that happens, I always think that the crazy ass driver is probably going to skid out and eat shit. That’s exactly what happened to this YouTuber in….wait for it… wait for it… Tampa, FL. She writes that a dude in a truck was riding her ass like she was a hungry bottom and he was a power top. She pulled out her phone and filmed it all. She explains why she didn’t move over and claims that she kept her eyes on the road while filming (uh huh):
This happened to me on SR 41 in Tampa on Monday March 24th. This pathetic excuse for a human being tailgated me for about three minutes. After about a minute, and me shaking my head, I pulled out my phone and started recording. I couldn’t move over because there were trucks in the right lane, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to speed on a rainy day with the roads being as slick as they were. I was turning left in about a half-mile when this happened. Now bear in mind, that this guy had already passed a truck in a left turn lane, was tailgating and driving recklessly on a wet slick road, wasn’t paying attention, and all in all being an ignorant ass. In the full video which I will post later, you will be able to see that not once was I mouthing off, I never brake checked him, and in fact until I watched the video after the accident I didn’t even know he shot a bird at me because I wasn’t looking at him at all, I was paying attention to the road while holding the phone up with my right hand. I’ve recorded circumstances like this before, catching idiots doing stupid things, but never ever had this happen.
He initially fled the scene of the accident, but thanks to this video he has been caught and charged. Massive props to the Sheriffs Department and most especially the Highway Patrol who responded to the scene. This moron could have easily killed somebody with his moronic behavior, and my laughing at the end would have been replaced with tears. Needless to say though, I’ve never seen Karma come back so fast.
Okay, yes, I released after watching that.
But seriously, when she cackled while irresponsibly shooting that shit, I thought she was going to lose control, skid out and hit a tree on the other side of the road. The cops would’ve shown up, arrested them both and forced them to share a jail cell together. Of, course in that jail cell, they would’ve fallen in love. The love story that could’ve been.
And I can’t completely side with this lady for the simple that she shot this in portrait mode. That is unforgivable.
Ladies, mark your calendars. On April 23rd, you’ll have to go back to wearing head-to-toe armor, because on that day Chris Brown and his fists will be released back into civilization. Hopefully sometime between now and then, the jail warden will accidentally swallow Chris’ cell key and then will sort of kind of shit out that key in a rest stop bathroom far, far away. (“But Michael, you dumb bitch, it’s 2014, I don’t think cells operate with keys anymore.” – you “I hate how you always try to ruin my beautiful fantasies.” – me)
The Difficult Brown was kicked out of rehab and sent to jail on Friday after he violated rules. He was supposed to stay in rehab until his assault case in DC is wrapped up, but since he just couldn’t help himself and self-sabotaged his own stupid ass again, he got kicked out of anger management rehab and was sent to jail. Chris was in court in L.A. today to ask the judge to please, please release him. While wearing his signature color “jail house tangerine,” Chris contorted his facial expressions into “sad, wittle puppy” to win sympathy from the judge. The judge wasn’t buying that transparent act and told Chris he has to stay in jail until a jury in the DC case decides if he’s guilty or not. TMZ says that his trial in DC is set for April 17th and Fisty probably won’t be allowed to attend. Judge Obvious let Chris know that he has an “inability to stay out of trouble.” TMZ also says that he was kicked out of rehab for three reasons:
1. He was told to stay at least 2 feet away from every woman in rehab. He wasn’t allowed to touch, grope or punch a lady. But since the words “don’t put your hands on a woman” are about as foreign to this anal wart as the words “don’t touch those cupcakes” are to me, he broke the rules when he touched a woman’s hand and elbow.
2. The Difficult Brown was allowed to leave rehab for one day and when he came back he refused to take a drug test. He later took one and it was negative, but saying no the first time was a violation.
3. During group session, he talked shit about rehab.
The judge also shook his head at that piece of trash when he heard that Chris bragged about being good at using guns and knives in rehab.
So for the next 30-something days, Fist Brown will sit in a jail cell and if he’s found guilty in the DC case, he could face up to 4 years in the chokey for violating probation by committing a felony.
One motherfucker down (for now). Now all we need is for Justin Bieber to be found guilty in that egging shit so the judge can sentence him to spend 30 days in the same jail cell as The Difficult Brown. All that doucheness in such a small space would make that cell explode. But with our luck, they’d fall in love, mate and the Biebs would butt birth out the Four Horsemen.
Cue the music! Radar is reporting that The Deaner and his wandering peener have been released from sex rehab, and he’s ready to make up for some lost time! And you’ll never believe my luck: I was able to obtain a transcript from the press conference he held this morning at the Hooters in Van Nuys:
“What’s been crappenin bitches? Thank you all for being here to welcome me back into your folds. YES! Nailed it. But seriously, your old pal Deano couldn’t have made it through the past 30 days without your love, support, sexts, snapchats, and visitation day over-the-pants handies. A big shout-out to Sharla, Starla, the girls of Hooters 127 and 342, that chick with the cans…fuck, what was her name again? Oh yeah, Dr. Elenor Weinstein. Thanks for telling Tori I’m cured! Alright, who wants to be the first to give The Deener a beejer?”
Oh, Dean McDermott, you scamp. After being released from his Tori Spelling-imposed rehabilitation for wandering gold diggers, The Deaner’s first order of business wasn’t, in fact, to let a group of Hooters girls run a train on his dad dick. A source tells Radar that the minute Dean checked out, he marched straight home and poured salt into Tori’s gaping chest hole by telling her she needs to get her shit together and seek treatment for her spending problem:
“There are nights that Dean doesn’t sleep because he is so concerned about how they are going to pay the bills. Tori is willing to get help, but complains she doesn’t have time because of their four kids.”
Uh-huh. I’m so sure the reason he’s losing sleep is because Tori drops too much money at American Girl, and has nothing to do with the countless texts he receives that say: “Remember when u fucked me at yr wife’s book signing? I think I’m pregnant “
And excuse you, Source, but what spending problem? Don’t all families on the brink of bankruptcy throw over-the-top birthday parties and lavish afternoon teas? Besides, Tori has a plan to fix this temporary money problem, and it’s called the C.A.N.D.Y. method.
Call up your rich mother
Ask for money
Never accept no for an answer
Dial her number again & Demand money
You just put in a long day at work. Y not reward yourself with a new house?
What in the name of Simple Jack chipmunk fuck is going on with Miley Cyrus’s hair? How does something like this even happen? The conversation between her and whoever is responsible for this mess must have gone something like this:
Miley: Bowl cut.
Hairdresser: Like Dumb & Dumber?
Hairdresser: The Three Stooges?
Aside from that hair that really brings out the derp in Miley’s face, with those high waisted suspender pants and belly shirt, she looks like any girl at my high school in the 90′s (yeah, I’m fucking old). She’s missing these supersexy lug sole shoes and an ankh necklace, but the resemblance is still there. I tried to pull shit like that off but my mom always bought my clothes three sizes too big insisting I’d grow into them and wouldn’t let me show my belly so I had to stuff a long shirt into REALLY baggy pants. With my off-brand platform patent leather black and white spectator shoes, I was some green makeup and a fedora away from looking like the fucking Mask dressed up for prom.
Here are some more pics of Miley looking like a peroxided gloster canary.
Today in Calabasas, CA, the police raided a white dude’s house and arrested the black guy. Oh, America! While the police were searching Justin Bieber’s house for any kind of evidence that can connect him to the egging of his next door neighbor’s ass, they found a bag of molly or coke or some kind of illegal drug. Justin Bieber’s friend Lil Za, who also lives there, was arrested, because his ass knows who pays the bills and who buys the drugs, so he took the fall.
Lil Za was booked for felony drug possession, his mug shot of beauty was taken and he had to marinate in a jail cell for a little bit before he was released. But because Lil Za is as good at making decisions as Justin Bieber is, he threw a tantrum and broke a phone in the jailhouse. TMZ says that the anal bead-brained idiot was minutes away from freedom. The cops arrested his ass again and booked him for vandalism.
Lil Za is a bonda fide dumb fuck for taking the fall for his sugar daddy even if his sugar daddy pays all the bills. I’m all for being down for your sugar daddy, but there’s a line somewhere. (Yes, we live in a weird world where Justin Bieber is the “daddy” in a relationship.) But Lil Za is really a bona fide dumb fuck for beating that phone up while in jail. I bet Lil Za was on the phone with Justin and Justin let him know that he’d have to sleep in the guest room tonight. Justin and Lil Twist want the bed to themselves tonight. No cuddlies turn Lil Za into an angry bitch.
And I hate that every time I see Lil Za’s dumb name somewhere, I read it as LiZa and I get excited for a quick second before learning the sad, sad truth.
In a bathroom at Justin Bieber’s house in Calabasas, CA early this morning, one member of the Wild Boyz nervously flushed dozens and dozens of eggs down the toilet while another member shoved whole huevos up Justin Bieber’s ass while screaming, “Spread ‘em wider! Spread ‘em wider! Like Usher taught you!” As the cops knocked on the front door, the leader of the Wild Boyz and his crew tried to get rid of all the evidence (eggidence?) of their egg attack on a neighbor’s house. HIDE ALL THE HUEVOS!
TMZ says that cops showed up to Justin Bieber’s house this morning with a felony search warrant in hand and started looking for any evidence they can use to connect him to the egging of his next door neighbor’s house. The cops are making The Biebs wait in his garage while they search his house, so push that cup of lukewarm caffeine aside and get high on the image of him in his drop-crotch footie pajamas pouting in the corner as the cops look for surveillance footage of the run-by egging and any eggs whose shells match the shells found at the scene of the crime. That last sentence sounds like the most riveting scene in Nick Jr.’s newest show CSI: Playground Jungle Gym.
You know this shit is serious, because there’s a battering ram at the scene. Or maybe TMZ got their info wrong and that battering ram is really a butt dildo that Kim Kardashian ordered and it’s slowly making its way to Pimp Mama Kris‘ house.
TMZ says that if the cops find anything illegal, including the bad shit, they could use it against The Biebs. Well, that twat zit is screwed, because they’ll charge him with committing assault on eyeballs when they find hundreds of pairs of diaper pants and they’ll charge him with committing assault on ears when they find his un-auto-tuned demo tracks.
We can all laugh at Justin Beiber facing prison time for egging, but this is just the street cred he needs to finally be taken seriously as the hardest hood rat thug in the game. All the murderers and gang members of the cell block will bow down to Justin Bieber when they find out he’s in there for assaulting his neighbor’s house with eggs. The Eggfather IS about that life.
UPDATE: The cops say that they gathered a bunch of evidence and they’re going to look at it before they decide what to do next. Justin Bieber’s moocher Lil Za was caught with coke at the scene. He was arrested for felony drug possession and he was also arrested for giving himself the nickname Lil Za.
(Pic via Instagram)
You know your level of bullshit is in a league of it’s own when you can easily be crowned the most annoying motherfucker in a room whose occupants include Jonah Hill and Bono.
P. Diddy must have been painfully aware that the expiration date stamped on his ass cheek is from years ago because he spent his time on stage at the Golden Globes milking his moment in the spotlight for all it was worth. I like to think I have a high patience level (I’ve been trying to write this while my five year old lists every dinosaur he knows and he started just making shit up thirty names ago) but I had some serious rage last night watching Diddy. He wouldn’t shut the hell up, move to the side or let
Usher Kate Beckinsale be the prettiest princess. She may have looked like she used Pam cooking spray as moisturizer, but I’d rather look at a shiny Kate any day of the week (and maybe let some lesbian daydreams sneak in there) than spend any amount of time looking at Diddy’s DUH face.
I may or may not have been yelling “get off my TV, you fuck socket!!” at the screen when one the most glorious moments of the night happened. When Diddy went to hug Bono (and maybe throw a smooch down on his face or some shit; it was hard to tell because the whole thing was a clusterfuck), Bono straight up swerved his ass.
All those rumors of Diddy’s breath smelling like a mix of matted hobo pubes and Kristen Stewart’s unwashed gash might have something to them. The only thing Bono has ducked faster than Diddy’s advances is paying taxes!
When Justin Bieber went straight up hardcore middle school thuggin’ Thursday night and egged the shit out of his neighbor’s house, I was pretty underwhelmed. No rolls of toilet paper thrown in the trees? No messages painted on the driveway with waterproof sealer that say shit like “the devil lives here” that won’t show up until the next time it rains? No giant dick and balls burned into the front lawn with bleach? Take several seats, Justin, and let the grown ups handle this. Amateur.
TMZ says the L.A. County Sheriff’s detectives are not letting Justin’s newest attempt to prove he’s the baddest motherfucker in his gated community slide. In California, if you cause over $400 in damages, you can be charged with felony vandalism. Since the home Justin egged is all fancy and shit, there is a possibility that it will cost tens of thousands of dollars to repair the Venetian plaster on the exterior of the home. Detectives have asked the homeowners to submit repair bids by Monday.
The Biebs has already been pressing his luck with all his bullshit shenanigans. L.A. County needs to throw the book at him. Come ooooon, Sheriff’s department! No Lohans, no Lohans!
In case Santa couldn’t fit any schadenfreude in your stocking next to the coal, condoms and lube, USWeekly has a little karmic deliciousness for you. They are reporting that Dean McDermott cheated on Tori Spelling earlier this month after meeting 28-year old Emily Goodhand (now and forever known as Emily Handjob) through friends while he was in Toronto pimping out his hosting gig for Chopped Canada. Miss Handjob gave the magazine an exclusive interview.
“He told me he and Tori had a sexless marriage,” says Goodhand, who stayed over at his hotel the following night too. “I believed him.“
Dean! The first rule of Goldiggers’s Club is to not bite the hand that feeds you. Now you march right over to Candy’s house and say you’re sorry. While you’re there, ask for a check so you can take a Cheating Sleaze 101 class down at the rec center and get yourself some new lines. The sexless marriage shtick is so old it watched Jesus lace up his sandals.
And Emily! Guuuurl, you just became the piñata Tori is going to beat to death until the checks run dry. Get some home wrecking standards for yourself and cross everything from your fingers to those whore legs that Dean was able to get down to the Humane Society and qualify for their low-cost spay and neuter program because Tori would milk a pregnant mistress story for all it’s worth.
It looks like Tori is going to go against everything she believes in by ignoring attention from the press and is pretending everything is A-OK if this blog entry is any indication. You can’t fool us, Tori. We know you’ve already posted an open position at Tori Spelling, Inc., looking for somebody who has a way with words and can painfully force either your first or last name into the title of a book that will document the aftermath of Dean’s (alleged) affair. May I suggest “The STori Of How You Get A Man Is How You Lose A Man“?