“It’s for business, enslaver!” is supposedly what Madge spat at a trick who told her to stop texting during the New York Film Festival premiere of 12 Years A Slave, a movie about slavery. HA. Only Madge would cry about getting stripped of her texting privileges during a movie about a man getting stripped of his freedom. I’m surprised that all the actors on the screen didn’t stop to shed a tear for Madge, because yeah, they have it bad, but at least nobody told them to stop texting during a movie.
Madge wasn’t in an Alamo Drafthouse when she got caught texting, but that didn’t stop the theater chain’s owner from getting a little free publicity from it. The CEO of Alamo Drafthouse Tim League, who has declared war on movie theater texters and talkers, declared in a tweet that Madge is forever banned from all of his theaters until she apologizes for the sin she has committed.
— Tim League (@timalamo) October 11, 2013
Entertainment Weekly asked Tim League if he’s serious about banning her ass, and he shook his head yes even though he knows that she probably never goes to public movie theaters since she prefers to watch movies in her home screening room while sitting on Baby Brahim’s naked lap. Tim League said, “Yeah, I’m serious, but I don’t think it really affects her life that much.”
A couple of years ago, Alamo Drafthouse made an anti-texting PSA out of a hilarious voicemail from an angry asshole who got kicked out of their theater for texting. In case you forgot:
I don’t think Tim should ban Madge from his theaters. Instead he should give her free tickets. And after she shows up and gets kicked out for texting during the movie, they should record her getting revenge on them by sucking their souls out with her vadge and ripping their throats out with her velociraptor claws. Because they need a new PSA.
Is Gene Simmons’ tongue studded or are those…forget it. I don’t need that today.
When Backdoor Farrah bragged to TMZ that she became a millionaire from her porno pretending to be a “leaked sex tape,” every unemployed college graduate with $100,000 in students loans screamed at her parents for not telling her to get knocked up at 16 so she could get on Teen Mom, which would lead to a lucrative career as a professional fame whore. If Backdoor Farrah taught us anything, she taught us that the easiest way to get famous is to push something out of your twat and the easiest way to get money is by pushing something into your twat. But Fox411 shattered everyone’s doody bubble dreams of becoming a teen mom turned millionaire porn star, because they say Backdoor Farrah didn’t make $1 million for butt swallowing James Deen’s peen. The money that Farrah made upfront isn’t even enough to pay the rent on a 100-square-foot studio apartment in Harlem for a year.
Some source tells Fox411 that Farrah was paid only $10,000 after she signed the contract and she was promised 30 percent of sales. Pippi Dongstocking also got $10k for her sex tape. The source also said that back in the olden days, hos like Parasite Hilton and Kim Kardashian made millions for their sex tapes, but it’s not like that anymore since everybody can watch sex tapes for free on the tube sites.
“In reality she (Abraham) got $10,000 upfront and 30 percent of sales, minus the cost of production. The entire celebrity sex video genre is a lot of unsubstantiated marketing with very little truth behind it…. It’s all publicity. It’s all hype.”
Jasmine Waltz, who got famous for humping David Arquette and bearding for Ryan Seacrest, said that she thought her sex tape would make money fall from the sky, but she was lied to.
“Vivid told me they would give $125,000 and 25 percent of the back end, all the sales that are made. Basically, you’ll never see the back end after advertisement. You won’t get the money. It’s a very untrustworthy business. Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter got burned really, really bad. She got $60,000 dollars and never saw another penny.”
Well, in Backdoor Farrah’s case, James Deen got at least 100 percent of the back end (120 percent when he was fully hard) and his fingers got around 65 percent of the front end.
Okay, $10,000 to do anal is $10,000 more than I’ve been paid to do anal (that’s not true, I think somebody bought me a slice once, cheese ONLY), but it’s hilarious that ho was going around saying that she squirted out a million dollars from her b-hole when she really only made enough money to put a down payment on a basic model Kia Forte. But whatever, Farrah is the Mother Theresa of backdoor porn because she practically gave away up-close shots of her freshly fucked b-hole for free and besides, her porn has lead to bigger and better things like posing on the cover of a magazine that legendary beauty Courtney Stodden once posed for.
No, I don’t think that’s Photoshopped. Ole dude impaled himself on the pitchfork when he found out he had to pose next to Farrah Abraham.
Radar says that as you’re reading this, the angels are singing while a wrecking ball smashes into the ugly set for Pimp Mama Kris’ Hour of Whoring. Or maybe Universal Studios will buy it from FOX to use in their Addams Family attraction since it’s kind of hard to reproduce creepiness like that.
Pimping out her granddaughter not once, but twice, worked for a second, but it wasn’t enough for FOX to give PMK’s talk show a full season. A source tells Radar that FOX recently told Pimp Mama Kris that the ratings for the Summer test run of her talk show sucked harder than the Kardashian family at-home lipo vacuum and so they aren’t picking up her show.
GOD IS REAL!!!!!!
The source said this:
“There is no chance the talk show is going to get a green light from FOX. The ratings were averaging an abysmal 0.8 and advertisers were less than enthusiastic about it.
Kris did get a ratings bump for her last show when Kanye West revealed the first baby pic of daughter, North West, with Kim, but that was a one time shot in the arm and it wouldn’t be indicative of what the ratings trend would be.”
FOX had a camera on Pimp Mama Kris’ face the moment they told her that her talk show would not be coming back and they plan to sell the footage to psychiatrists who will use it as a visual anti-depressant on their patients. Because nothing will make you feel like a ball of sunshine like seeing a piece of Pimp Mama Kris’ Whore Kingdom come crumbling down.
FOX is going to wait a week or three to announce it and they plan to slip the news out on a Friday afternoon, hoping that nobody will notice. It will be hard not to notice when everyone’s screaming the news from the top of rainbows and skipping down the streets while toasting each other with cups full of Andre.
Don’t worry about Pimp Mama Kris, though. Now she’ll have even more time to come up with new and creative ways to take down Lamar Odom. Speaking of, here’s Lamar at Taco Bell today. I guess Lamar buying Pintos ‘N Cheese means that he traded in his crack pipe for a bong for now.
The dick rash with the most punchable face in America was sentenced to 270 days in county jail today for choking out and beating a woman at his house in Bel Air 2 years ago. A jury convicted Joe Francis of five misdemeanor charges (three counts of false imprisonment, one count of assault by means likely to cause great bodily injury and one count of dissuading a witness from reporting a crime) last May, and in court today, his lawyer tried to get a judge to declare a mistrial. Joe’s lawyer argued that one of his accusers lied during the trial and he didn’t falsely imprison anyone since all of the women willingly went back to his house. The judge wiped out the bullshit that Joe’s lawyer filled his ears with and denied that trick’s request for a mistrial.
The Los Angeles Times says that the judge sentenced Joe to 270 days in jail, one year of psychological counseling, three years of probation and he has to complete an anger management course. The judge and the City Attorney weren’t having any of Joe’s shit during sentencing and they told him that he better put a huge block of ice on his throbbing anus of rage.
The judge told Francis the women “were very credible” and he deserved to be punished by some time in custody and needed anger management for his “temper.” He was ordered held in lieu of $250,000.
“Whether a celebrity or not, you will be held accountable for your misdeeds,” former City Atty. Carmen A. Trutanich said in a statement at time of the conviction. “The victims in this case should be commended for their courage in stepping forward and reporting these attacks, and for not being intimidated from seeing this matter through the justice system.”
The three women met Joe at some club in 2011. He grabbed one of them by the arm and dragged her to his limo. The girl’s two friends followed, because they thought Joe was going to take them back to their car. Instead, Joe’s driver drove them to his house in Bel Air and to make a long and gross story short, he choked one girl out and bashed her head against the floor after she wouldn’t let him take one of her friends to another room. The girls threatened to call the police and he laughed in their faces and told them that he’d never be arrested since he owns the police. Who the hell does he thinks he is? Lindsay Lohan?! The three women left his house and called the police and now he’s going to jail!
Unfortunately, Joe isn’t in a jail cell right now, because he plans on appealing.
Unfortunately, unfortunately, since this happened in L.A., he’ll probably be in jail for 270 SECONDS before he’s released back into the wild due to “overcrowding.”
The judge should’ve sentenced Joe Francis and The Difficult Brown to a day in the same room together. All the doucheness in one room would make them both combust and the only thing left would be two chipped veneers and a puddle of steaming used douche water.
During her show in Montreal on Monday night, a fan that is supposed to gently blow Beyonce’s weave (so it always looks like the angels are fanning her with their wings) staged a one-fan coup by turning on her ass. While Beyonce yodeled out Halo, the fan snatched her weave and held on tight as crew members tried to pull her out of it. The rebel fan would not let go of that bought-and-paid-for Malaysian weave and Beyonce had to be cut out of it. But Beyonce kept on singing so that the audience wouldn’t hear that fan cursing her ass out. Beyonce later posted a video of the weave snatching on Instagram and wrote a letter to her human fans about it.
Bey, please. She’s joking about it now, but she wasn’t joking when she pulled that fan’s cord out of its socket, ripped all of its insides out and tossed its remains down into the basement where Michelle Williams (Happy Birfday, Michelle!) and Basement Baby used it to make a grill to cook moths on. Then Beyonce bought the company that made that fan, fired all of its employees and burned the entire place down to the ground. That’ll teach that fan. Beyonce always gets the last laugh. When you snatch her trick ass weave, she’ll come after you and all of your fanily members.
In “information you really needed in your brain” news, a source tells UsWeekly that in the months before they decided to end their contract, George Clooney and Stacy Keibler barely saw each other in person and didn’t wet hump on each other once. The source is either Stacy Keibler’s publicist or George Clooney’s dick has been drunkenly blabbing to the tabloids again. It’s totally the latter. The source put it like this:
“They hadn’t had sex in months. He’s been in Europe, and she’s in L.A., and they haven’t seen each other in a long time. Some girls would be okay with that and just be happy dating George, but not her. She knew he wasn’t looking to get married. But there was always that fantasy that he would commit. Sadly, it just ran its course.”
TMZ says that Stacy and George broke up over the phone, because he’s in Germany shooting a movie for the next 5 months and she’s in L.A. shooting the soon-to-be Emmy sweeper Supermarket Superstar. They both decided that they couldn’t go for another five months of doing other people while pretending to be together, so they broke up for real.
The funny thing is, George Clooney is chronically allergic to married life and yet for the past few months he and Stacy have been acting like an old ass married couple. They haven’t been fucking, they barely see each other and they only saw each other to keep up appearances. They were practically married! So the joke’s on Clooney! Stacy really got his ass.
Kanye West’s interview with W Magazine is filled wet fart after wet fart freshly squeezed out of his over-inflated ego and reading it is like watching him stick his peen into a Fleshlight modeled after his own b-hole. What I’m saying is that it’s like any other Kanye interview.
Kanye brings the laughs from beginning to end. The first laugh came when Kanye told W’s Christopher Bagley that he wrote the song “I Am God” after a fashion designer told him that he could come to their show in Paris but only if he promised not to go to any other shows. Kanye’s leather thong twisted up into his ass over that, because nobody tells Kween Kanye what to do.
“So the next day I went to the studio with Daft Punk, and I wrote ‘I Am a God.’ Cause it’s like, Yo! Nobody can tell me where I can and can’t go. Man, I’m the No. 1 living and breathing rock star. I am Axl Rose; I am Jim Morrison; I am Jimi Hendrix.” West is not smiling as he says this, and his voice is getting louder with each sentence. “You can’t say that you love music and then say that Kanye West can’t come to your show! To even think they could tell me where I could and couldn’t go is just ludicrous. It’s blasphemous—to rock ’n’ roll, and to music.”
It is blasphemous! If Jimi Hendrix was alive today and Kunty Karl told him that he could come to the Chanel show if he promised not to go to any other shows, he’d huff, flip his head scarf and be highly offended.
The next laugh came when Kanye said that he can’t take full responsibility for making Kim Kartrashian look like a ridiculous, overstuffed Armenian sausage in a leather casing. Kanye was merely her fashion guide and the fact that she dresses herself like an asshole means that she really, really loves him.
“Nobody can tell my girl what to do. She just needed to be given some platforms of information to work from. One beautiful thing is that as she discovers it, the world discovers it. For her to take that risk in front of the world, it just shows you how much she loves me. And how much she actually loves the opportunity to learn. You got, like, a million companies saying, ‘This is impacting your brand! This is impacting your fans! And blah blah blah.’ But she still sees this light of beauty.”
But the best part of the interview is Kanye’s awkward scene with Pimp Mama Kris. Christopher was at Kanye’s Paris apartment one night to continue their interview when PMK showed up in a cloud of black smoke. Kanye showed PMK around and then played her one of his new songs:
He plays her some of his unfinished songs, including “Awesome,” which is clearly about Kim. When she exclaims, “Great job!” West doesn’t find it as flattering as Jenner evidently intended. He raises his eyebrows. “Great job?” he says and sets off on a comic riff that cracks up everyone in the room. Toasting with his champagne glass, he says, “Great job, Baccarat, for making a glass that can hold liquid!” He looks down at his waist. “Great job, belt loops, for keeping my pants up!” Jenner laughs off the mockery but soon is ready to leave. Hugging West goodbye, she tells him, “I love you. You know where to find us, at the George V. Call us tomorrow, if you want.” It seems apparent to everyone, including Jenner, that West will not call.
PMK saying “good job” to Kanye is the new Kevin Costner calling Madonna’s show “neat” to her face in Truth or Dare. I love how much Kanye can’t stand the Kardashians. I hope that all of E’s cameras are rolling at Christmas dinner (or “Krismas dinner” as PMK probably calls it) when Kanye scratches at PMK after she tells him that his custom-made leather prairie skirt is “cute.”
WARNING: If you plan on going to a RiRi show, you should know that you will get a headache from listening to her live goat yodel voice and you may get a concussion when she clocks in the head with her mic.
During one of her shows, RiRi was singing in the audience when a bold ass fan decided it was a good idea to grab and pull her toward them. RiRi reacted by clocking that trick in the head with her mic and the sound of that BOOM is the reason why I’m cackling today. It could’ve been worse, though. RiRi could’ve knocked that trick’s head off by headbutting them with her infinity head. And RiRi and Miguel should really get together to co-headline The Concussion World Tour.
And I think I’m also suffering from a head injury from leaning my head over to watch all 14 seconds of that damn video.
Charlie Sheen loves whores and Farrah Abraham loves publicity any way she can get it, so naturally the two were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame that’s really butt sex. Charlie and Backdoor Farrah met at some event and she immediately started texting him afterward to meet up for a play date (translation: ass sex in the pool while the nanny takes the kids to the park), coffee (translation: coffee enemas… and then ass sex) or whatever (translation: ass sex, lots of ass sex). Like I said two seconds ago, Farrah loves publicity, so she gave those texts to TMZ, because a porno camouflaged as a sex tape isn’t going to sell itself. Charlie didn’t like Farrah leaking his texts to the media and when Charlie gets mad, Charlie gets hilarious. Charlie dragged and dragged Farrah in a letter, which I’m guessing either she or Charlie leaked to TMZ. I thought I’d never type this after seeing Backdoor Farrah squirt in her porno (I can never look at tuna water in a can the same way again), but I am so glad she leaked this if she did, because this is a coke booger covered in gold. Take it away, Charlie.
hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;
I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn.
your daughter must be so proud.
please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.
oh and I’m sure they’ll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o’clock shadow.
So poetic. So beautiful. It’s something William Blake would’ve written if William Blake smoked so much crack that it ate most of his brains away. Charlie should not only put out a book of poems called “Pedestrian Troposphere of Lame-Suck” but he should also sell a perfume called “Stagnant Douche Agua.”
I guess Farrah is a certified porn star now that she’s been nailed by Charlie Sheen. Charlie tore her a new one and now her backdoor has been upgraded to French doors. But even after all that, you know Charlie still would.
A funny thing and a shitty thing happened in Beverly Hills today. The funny thing is that Kanye Kardashian smacked his dome right into a sign while walking to a restaurant with Kim Kartrashian. The shitty thing is that the paparazzi didn’t get a shot of the exact moment when the sign bitch smacked him right in the head. The paps took pictures and video right before and after he knocked that sign with his head, but nobody (so far) has a picture of his head actually knocking against that sign. What good is the paparazzi when they can’t get a picture that would’ve completed our lives?!! It was their one job and they FAILED us all!!!!!
TMZ does have a video of Kanye right after he left a piece of his ego on that sign and it’s hilarious. Just like a bratty 4-year-old, Kanye throws a melodramatic cunt tantrum and starts yelling at the paps for making him bust his head on that sign. I take back what I said about the paps in the paragraph above. I thank them for making Kanye’s head go BOOM on that sign.
It gets better… Kuntye went full crazy and his Givenchy butt plug probably popped out when he went at another pap a few minutes later:
In Kanye’s defense, if your ass lips were overheating under black leather and you knocked up a Kartrashian, forever bonding you to those whores, you too might be a little extra bitchy. Although, Kanye is ALWAYS a little extra bitchy. And the best part is that Kim is probably the one who called those paps. Good work, Kim!