Kathie Lee Gifford just told the full-time bartender in her dressing room to pull out the good stuff, because it’s time to celebrate now that it looks like the head bitches at NBC News are finally dumping the blonde reason for why the Happy Hour of Today (read: the fourth hour starring KLG and Hoda Kotb) is getting lower ratings. And then KLG will kick her leg, hop onto the cabaret stage she had built in her dressing room next to the bar, and belt out, “Grey skies are gonna cleeeeear up,” as her assistants ask the bartender for a stiff shot since they’re going to need it if their boss is starting off the day with show tunes.
Just a quick minute after Megyn Kelly dribbled out a canned apology for being a college educated 47-year-old former lawyer and “journalist” who has lived in New York City for years and didn’t know that blackface is racist, The Hollywood Reporter said that a source whispered in their ear about the demise of her show at Today. NBC News is reportedly going to put Megyn Kelly Today out of its misery at the end of this year. Megyn is currently in the middle of a $69 million three-year contract with NBC News. Cut to Black Santa sauntering up to Megyn to give her the gift of a pink slip this Christmas.
On Sunday, Piers Morgan came for Daniel Craig for wearing his six-week-old daughter in a baby carrier (or “papoose” as they say in the UK). Obviously a whole lot of people have had a problem with Piers’ stance on the matter, and they’ve called him out justly. But sometimes simply calling out a troll on Twitter isn’t enough, and that’s when Piers received some real-life comeuppance for his stupid opinions by way of a cream-filled pie to the face on live television.
Shockingly, it wasn’t after Twitter received numerous complaints from teenage girls that he’s been sliding into their DMs. It was due to one of the insulting and offensive things James Woods has spat out on Twitter over the years. Sorry James, looks like if you want to pop off in front of an embarrassed audience, you’re limited to whatever you can hiss in the four minutes it takes for your latte to be made.
Up until yesterday if you went to the definition of “vengeance” on Merriam-Webster.com, you’d find this looking at you:
: punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense : retribution
If you went there today, you’d find this:
A movie with an all-Asian cast easily beating a shit movie starring a dried-up butt plug dingle who once half-blinded an Asian man in a violent racist attack.
Because Crazy Rich Asians is the current reigning head bitch of the domestic box office after bringing in a little over $25 million this weekend. It’s brought in a total of around $34 million since opening last Wednesday. CRA had a production cost of $30 million. It’s the first all-Asian major Hollywood movie to come out since the Joy Luck Club twenty five damn years ago. The sweetened cherry is that CRA whooped the cold shit out of Marky Mark’s Mile 22, which stank up the box office with the smell of turd by making only $13.6 million. Marky Mark pouting and getting mad in the face over a bunch of Asians checking him at the box office is my idea of beautiful visual poetry. Although, Mile 22 also stars Indonesian action star Iko Uwais, so Marky is probably thinking, “See, I try to make g’ud with yooze people by putting one of you yooze in my movie and this is what happens!”
Sarah Palin, America’s unofficial mascot of the “I wanna speak to the manager” set, seems to pride herself on being a real no-nonsense, straight-shooting, human bullshit detector. Except that she clearly isn’t. Sarah recently admitted that she was bamboozled by a disguised Sacha Baron Cohen for his upcoming Showtime series, Who is America?. A better title might be Who in America is Still Getting Tricked by Sacha Baron Cohen 12 Years After Borat? The answer is Sarah Palin is. And she’s super-duper gosh-darn peeved-off about it.
There’s extra reason to throw back a cold cocktail of your choice this afternoon (mine will be a self-invented drink called the Ha Ha Harvey, made of the best booze in my liquor cabinet and shaken with 100% pettiness). As expected, Harvey Weinstein surrendered himself to the NYPD’s 1st precinct this morning. The only way this news could be better would be if Detective Fin Tutuola were standing at the door to mutter, “Looks like there’s one less perv on the streets” on his walk in.