Category: HAHA On You

NBC Says “Begone Bitch” To Donald Trump

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

NBC announced today that they have removed the hairy, pus-filled throbbing pimple that was stuck to their ass cheeks. Univision dropped the Miss Universe pageant after Donald Trump said that immigrants from Mexico are drug-dealing rapists during his fuckery-filled presidential announcement speech. Well, now NBC has joined Univision in saying, “No, you’re fired, bitch,” to the mutated baboon ass. After a petition asking NBC to get rid of Trump got close to 200,000 signatures, the network said in a statement that they will no longer air the Miss Universe and Miss USA pageants. They also made it sound like they’re going to replace him on the Celebrity Apprentice. (Excuse me while I run off to start a petition to ask NBC to replace Trump with the world’s greatest mogul Harald Glööckler.)

“At NBC, respect and dignity for all people are cornerstones of our values.

Due to the recent derogatory statements by Donald Trump regarding immigrants, NBCUniversal is ending its business relationship with Mr. Trump. To that end, the annual Miss USA and Miss Universe Pageants, which are part of a joint venture between NBC and Trump, will no longer air on NBC. In addition, as Mr. Trump has already indicated, he will not be participating in “Celebrity Apprentice” on NBC. Celebrity Apprentice is licensed from Mark Burnett’s United Artists Media Group and that relationship will continue.”

I see NBC trying to make us all think that they fired Trump because the shit nuggets that came out of his mouth are against their “values” and not because the shit nuggets that came out of his mouth are screwing with their money.

Trump, of course, burped up some crap about how NBC didn’t dump him, he dumped NBC. And of course, he threatened to sue their asses along with Univision.

“They did not want me to run. They wanted me to do The Apprentice. And now with my statements on immigration which happen to be correct, they are going to take a different stance and that’s OK. Whatever they want to do is OK with me. As far as ending the relationship, I have to do that because my view on immigration is much different than the people at NBC.”

Trump also released a long shit bag of a statement on Instagram. If you don’t want to read that statement, just watch this old video of a farting hippo instead. It sums up Trump’s words perfectly, but is much less shittier.

And NBC should’ve let Mexican novela queen Soraya Montenegro do the honor of firing Trump by screaming one of her legendary largates at him.

ICYMI: Diddy Goes Down At The BET Awards

June 29, 2015 / Posted by:

You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.

The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.

The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.

Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.

diddygoesdown

It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.

And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.

Pics: Splash

The Cheater Banner Bandit Strikes Again!

June 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Trust me, you don’t have to grab your 10x magnifying glass – that teeny-tiny banner flying behind that itsy-bitsy airplane does in fact say “CHEATER.” Then again, you probably already knew that if you’re the type who gets the warm fuzzies every time you sense that a cheater is about to get theirs.

Earlier this month, a single tear fell from our eyes and the words “It’s beautiful” escaped our lips when someone – NOT STEPHANIE MARCH – flew a banner that said “CHEATER” over alleged cheater Bobby Flay during his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. Yesterday, another angel brought that beautiful “CHEATER” banner out of temporary retirement and flew it over the U.S. Open while confirmed cheater Tiger Woods was playing a truly shit game of golf. I’m sure Lindsey Vonn is typing up an “It wasn’t me!” statement as we speak.

Tiger allegedly sniffed around the all-you-can-pound sidepiece buffet while he was with Lindsey, so this could be her doing. But it could also be the work of one of the ladies he maybe cheated on Lindsey with. Maybe Tiger cheated on Lindsey with someone, and then he cheated on that someone with someone else. Then the chick he cheated on Lindsey with found out he was cheating on her. Cheatception!

Regardless of who was responsible for the “CHEATER” banner, one this is for certain: it seriously fucked with his head and made him play like Happy Gilmore during the Pepsi Pro-Am.

That flying golf club really brings back some memories” said Elin Nordegren.

Hmmm.. I Wonder Who “Stole” A Copy Of The New “Fifty Shades Of Shit” Book?

June 10, 2015 / Posted by:

E.L. James dribbled a re-telling of  Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian Grey’s POV, because she is a literary wonder who cannot breath unless her swan quill is scribbling out words of poetry on parchment paper with burnt edges. (And because her publisher told her that if she released another Fifty Shades book, three more dump trucks full of cash will appear on her driveway since horny moms will eat up everything and anything she queefs up.) E.L. James newest masterpiece Grey is supposed to come out on June 18th, Christian Grey’s fake birthday. But well, now The Daily Mail says that a copy of it has magically gone missing and the Kent Police are investigating it. Penguin Random House, the publisher of that wreck, is afraid that it will be sold on the black market or leaked onto he internet. A rep for Penguin Random House had this to say:

“Grey will be published on June 18 – Christian Grey’s birthday – as planned. We can confirm that the Kent police are investigating the theft of a finished copy of EL James’s new book Grey. We will not be issuing any further statement.”

Fun fact: Stephenie Meyer partially wrote a re-telling of Twilight from Edward Cullen’s POV called Midnight Sun. In 2008, Stephenie stopped writing it and refused to release it after 12 chapters mysteriously ended up on the internet. And now this happens to the Christian Grey POV book. Stephenie Meyer better hide her man and her dog, because E.L. James is going full Single White Female with her impersonation of her.

On another note, is Grey just blank page after blank page, because the Christian Grey in the movie (yes, I finally watched it and let’s never talk about it again) was about as alive as a cracked butt plug. Also, if you really want to read another Fifty Shades book, you don’t have to actually read another Fifty Shades book. You just have to eat a lot of corn, take a messy dump, wipe your ass and then look at the toilet paper. Same thing! Strangely enough, you can also do that when you want to read Dlisted and are nowhere near a computer or phone.

Here’s Anastasia Steele (aka Dakota Johnson) looking like the mom in a Nicholas Sparks’ movie adaptation while meeting some hot silver piece at LAX last week.

Pics: Wenn.com, Random House

It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! It’s Revenge At Its Finest!

June 3, 2015 / Posted by:

When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.

The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.

A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?

Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Lindsay Lohan Says That Arabic-To-English Translation Mistake Was Just A Joke

April 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Ha! I bet even Lindsay Lohan’s reflection in the mirror is giving her “Sure, Jan” face right now. So, remember a few days ago when the Apricot Ashtray threw up a picture on Instagram of the words “You’re a donkey” in Arabic with the words “You’re beautiful incorrectly written underneath in English? Well, Lindsay wants you to know it was all just a joke and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with any of her Middle Eastern ‘business friends’ trolling her in real life. Lindsay tried to clear her name by Instagramming a picture of a Valentino purse she will no doubt later search for on Bag Borrow or Steal (“The third option is my favorite“) with the following caption:

“FYI- The funny thing is-the Arabic photo I posted was an inside joke w/friend to test my Arabic w/out Google translation. So, was already known what it was.”

Give me a second, I need to translate that from Confusing to English. But if it was just a joke, then why did she yank it down so fast after everybody called her out? Or why didn’t she write that in the first place? I have no idea. Understanding Lindsay Lohan’s brain isn’t something I have the mental strength to tackle today.

I know Lindsay is so determined to speak a bunch of different languages, but she really needs to pick one and get good at it before moving on. She can barely handle English! Not to mention her piss-poor American Sign Language skills; she clearly hasn’t learned anything beside the letter V. Forget new purses, bitch needs Rosetta Stone.

Here’s more of the aspiring English rose bouquet of dollar store silk flowers strolling around London on Thursday:

Pics: Wenn.com

If Draco Malfoy Was A Skanky Alien From V

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.

Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”

In short: I love it!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Another Reason To Move To Canada

February 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Canada is now a great, big beautiful Difficult Brown free wonderland! (Not that kind of “difficult brown,” Sinead. You can unpack your bags now.)

Chris Brown, the ingrown hair in America’s right ass lip, was told by Canadian authorities today to take his ass back home when he tried to get in. The Difficult Brown was supposed to play a show in Montreal tonight and a show in Toronto tomorrow. But he tweeted (and quickly deleted) that Canada, the most polite country in the world, told him he’s not welcome and shut the door on his face. It apparently has everything to do with his criminal record. Canada can ban a trick who has been convicted of assault.

Don’t slow clap for Canada just yet. They still gave us Justin Bieber and haven’t taken him back yet. We will never forget that! But seriously, Canada is one step closer to becoming a magical Utopia. Now all they have to do is take away Justin Bieber’s citizenship, ban him, open up an In-N-Out on every corner and declare that their health care system will cover the good shit.

And I wonder who made the call to get Chris Brown on the ban list?

drakelaughing

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Kirk Cameron Is An Award-Winning Movie Actor Now

February 22, 2015 / Posted by:

On Kirk Cameron’s shelf of achievements, his Kids Choice Award and People’s Choice Awards are about to get some company. The 35th annual Golden Raspberry Awards were shat out last night and the majority voted Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas as the biggest dingle that clung to Hollywood’s dirty asshole hairs last year. Saving Christmas is not only known as the movie that makes Jesus cry and say to himself, “I blame myself for that shit show,” but it’s also now known as a multiple Razzie winner! As Leonardo DiCaprio dries his tears on a Victoria’s Secret model’s (or RiRi’s) vagina lips while stroking his imaginary Oscar statue tonight, Kirk Cameron will be polishing his brand new Razzies. At least someone in the Growing Pains cast is winning awards.

Saving Christmas won Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay and Worst Screen Combo. Even though it won 4 awards, it didn’t even come close to snatching away Jack & Jill’s record of 10 wins. You’ll be Jack & Jill next time, Kirk. If anyone can find a way to be worse, it’s you. But still, Kirk should celebrate with a Subway sub!

subwaysandwich

He earned it!

After the cut are the rest of the winners. And after six nominations, Cameron Diaz was finally honored for her contribution to cinematic turds:

And Now For The Time Gwyneth Paltrow Made Dinner And Everybody Threw Up

January 24, 2015 / Posted by:

And shockingly, it wasn’t from the overwhelming nauseous feeling they got from hearing Gwyneth Paltrow talk about how perfect Gwyneth Paltrow is all evening. It was from food! That’s right, famous cookbook author Gwyneth Paltrow admitted on The Rachael Ray Show (via Glamour) Friday morning that she once made a meal that made everyone fill the 17th century gilded French porcelain toilets in her home with hot barf. Now, I’ve read both of Goopy’s cookbooks, and I’d say that roughly 79% of what I saw gave me the heaves (so many vegetables and not ONE recipe for Frito Pie). But according to Goopy, it wasn’t because she was serving her guests some kind of disgusting pickled heirloom kholrabi over mashed sunchoke bullshit; it was because she screwed up the recipe for eggplant parmesan.

“I went to the store and bought some eggplant, a jar of tomato sauce, and some really rubbery mozzarella cheese. I didn’t know that when you cook eggplant, you first have to sweat it to get all the bitter juice out, and I didn’t realize that you also have to bread eggplant parmesan and fry it before. So I put slices of raw eggplant with jarred tomato sauce and mozzarella. And everyone threw up.”

Goopy then added “…and I don’t blame them; I too would throw up if someone had the audacity to serve me something as vulgar as store-bought tomato sauce from a jar. Normally I make my own by hand-crushing imported San Marzano tomatoes harvested from a 276-year-old farm and cultivated by a man known only as Giuseppe, but I guess I suffered some sort of brain stroke and thought it would be acceptable to use jarred sauce.

And Gwyneth must not have learned anything from watching people barf up her food, because on Thursday she triggered more gag reflexes by posting a recipe for Sex Bark on Goop. From what I’ve gleaned, Sex Bark is a chocolate-based snack made from something called “Sex Dust”, which sounds like something a Mummy’s cooze makes when it gets horny (aaaand I just barfed all over my keyboard).

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