And shockingly, it wasn’t from the overwhelming nauseous feeling they got from hearing Gwyneth Paltrow talk about how perfect Gwyneth Paltrow is all evening. It was from food! That’s right, famous cookbook author Gwyneth Paltrow admitted on The Rachael Ray Show (via Glamour) Friday morning that she once made a meal that made everyone fill the 17th century gilded French porcelain toilets in her home with hot barf. Now, I’ve read both of Goopy’s cookbooks, and I’d say that roughly 79% of what I saw gave me the heaves (so many vegetables and not ONE recipe for Frito Pie). But according to Goopy, it wasn’t because she was serving her guests some kind of disgusting pickled heirloom kholrabi over mashed sunchoke bullshit; it was because she screwed up the recipe for eggplant parmesan.
“I went to the store and bought some eggplant, a jar of tomato sauce, and some really rubbery mozzarella cheese. I didn’t know that when you cook eggplant, you first have to sweat it to get all the bitter juice out, and I didn’t realize that you also have to bread eggplant parmesan and fry it before. So I put slices of raw eggplant with jarred tomato sauce and mozzarella. And everyone threw up.”
Goopy then added “…and I don’t blame them; I too would throw up if someone had the audacity to serve me something as vulgar as store-bought tomato sauce from a jar. Normally I make my own by hand-crushing imported San Marzano tomatoes harvested from a 276-year-old farm and cultivated by a man known only as Giuseppe, but I guess I suffered some sort of brain stroke and thought it would be acceptable to use jarred sauce. ”
And Gwyneth must not have learned anything from watching people barf up her food, because on Thursday she triggered more gag reflexes by posting a recipe for Sex Bark on Goop. From what I’ve gleaned, Sex Bark is a chocolate-based snack made from something called “Sex Dust”, which sounds like something a Mummy’s cooze makes when it gets horny (aaaand I just barfed all over my keyboard).
Somewhere in a Little Tikes Climb & Slide Castle, Justin Bieber is holding a meeting with his lawyer Teddius Stuffington, Esq. to discuss last night’s on-point Saturday Night Live commercial spoofing those busted black and white Calvin Klein ads. “They’re just jealous haters. Can we sue them for being jealous haters? Think about it and get back to me – I want to watch Bubble Guppies before my nap.”
Because no one has gotten tired of laughing at Justin Bieber in his underoos trying to act like he just discovered his first pube, SNL put Kate McKinnon a pair of CKs, gave her a bunch of shitty tattoos, and let her drag him to hell. Seriously, I know we all joke about how perfect Kate McKinnon’s Bieber is, but that bitch does a better Bieber than Bieber himself. Justin, take notes – this is how you butch it up. Also, claps for Cecily Strong, who was able to totally nail Lara Stone’s “Do I seriously have to babysit this rugrat?” face.
“Yo, my pipi’s in there” might be the most Justin Bieber-y thing Justin Bieber has never said. And here’s some fun trivia for you: the rolled-up t-shirt Kate McKinnon used to stuff her crotch is the same one used on set by Justin Bieber to stuff his. NO! That’s not true at all. Kate used a much smaller rolled-up t-shirt.
But Kate McKinnon wasn’t the only one serving up “I’m not sure what I’m looking at” realness; Sia was the musical guest on last night’s episode of SNL, and it was all kinds of WTF. Sia has said before that she suffers from stage fright, so she performed wearing what looked like a pair of black frilly panties over her face while the Gummo girl from “Chandelier” danced around her. Later she was accompanied by a weird mime. Eh, still less disturbing than a filthy Shia LaBeouf in a pair of grimy beige underwear.
During his vacation on the island of Parrot Cay in Turks and Caicos, UsWeekly says the busted human-sized blond Quints doll known as Justin Bieber ran into a living corpse guzzling booze at a beach bar that turned to Justin and shouted “Who the fuck are you?“. Justin, proving he knows bad words too, replied “I don’t know, who the fuck are you?“, to which the man replied “You’re a man. I respect that” before walking away.
Of course, that drunk man wasn’t just some random come-to-life decomposing Halloween decoration; it was famous come-to-life decomposing Halloween decoration Keith Richards, something Justin discovered when another old man approached him and told him “Keith Richards wants to have a drink with you.” So Justin made his way over to Keith’s table for a drink. That’s when a source (one of the bedbugs who lives in Keith’s eyebrows) claims the following happened:
“Justin tried to bro down with him,” a witness says, adding that a seemingly unimpressed Richards told the star, “Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”
That’s when Justin laughed a hearty HA HA HA HA before belting out “Yooooooo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.” No, he didn’t, but I bet he was thinking it (he’s definitely the Baby Spice of friends).
The source then went on to say that Justin and Keith sat talking for a bit before exchanging numbers so they could keep in touch. Justin reportedly called it the “best night ever”. Probably because he just got higher than he’d ever been in his life off of the words coming out of Keith Richards’ drug-scented mouth hole.
But we never really find out what Keith Richards meant when he called him a wannabe. Maybe he was predicting two weeks into Justin’s future, when he’d be mistaken for a “butcher version of Miley Cyrus” as he accidentally crashes a Log Cabin Republicans meeting on Monday night. Then again, that doesn’t make sense, since we all know Miley Cyrus is technically the butcher version of Justin Bieber.
Sometimes I’m grateful that I have the memory of a taxidermy goldfish. Case in point: I totally forgot to DVR that Eaten Alive mess on Discovery and I totally forgot to watch it last night. I dodged a bullet of boredom and it sounds like Eaten Alive was about as riveting as my chihuahua chewing on the carrot nose of his snowman plush toy for 10 minutes.
For weeks, Discovery has been whoring the shit out of a 2-hour special that was supposed to show naturist Paul Rosolie and his black magic twisty worm brows get swallowed whole by an anaconda in the Amazon. Paul had a special suit made and the plan was for him to get sucked up into the anaconda’s body before being pulled to safety by his team. Deadline says that the special was a flop from the beginning. Paul and his team spent 75% of the special trying to catch a gigantic 25-foot anaconda he once came cross (Side note: If you’ve got a gutter brain like me, then those words made you picture Paul fapping on the Hammaconda) during an expedition in the Amazon. That anaconda wanted nothing to do with Paul’s STUNT QUEEN stunt and after they failed to capture it, they decided to use some smaller understudy anaconda they had on standby.
Anna Wintour Admits That Putting Kim And Kanye Kardashian On The Kover Of Vogue Was A Stunt Queen Move
When Anna Wintour put the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins on the cover of VOGUE seven months ago, most of us assumed it was because she was getting sick of waking up every morning to 30 new voice mail messages left by Kanye West that start with him begging her to help him turn his porn star-turned-reality star girlfriend into a high klass lady, and end with him crying “IT’S NOT FAIR! I WANT IT!”
But it turns out it actually had nothing to do with Kanye throwing a tantrum or a kall from Kim Kardashian’s agent, Lucifer H. Satan. During an interview with Alina Cho for Fashionista at the MET on Monday night, Anna Wintour admitted that she put the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins on the cover of VOGUE because she knew it would be controversial and get VOGUE some much-needed attention. Then she made buttholes everywhere pucker with delight when she hissed this perfectly wonderful air-kiss to the drowsy hooker queen and her current husband:
“I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine! Nobody would talk about us. It’s very important that people do talk about us.”
At first I wanted to kick out a chair and tell that penis head haired-looking trick to take a seat for using those two dumb fame whores to get attention, but then she came in like a cunty cloud and threw that beautiful shade and I melted into a puddle of happiness. I always forget how devastating a good backhanded compliment can be! It’s easy to call Kim Kardashian a tacky trampy plastic-assed narcoleptic-faced hooker, but it takes a bitch working at a whole ‘nother level to describe her as “not deeply tasteful“.
If only Pink, the orphan Kim wanted to adopt from Thailand, had read Anna’s interview before she spoke to The Daily Mail about not wanting to get adopted into that family of fame-humping trash. Instead of saying “It wouldn’t be good for me“, she could have said “I’m not ready to drop out of school and become a full-time fame whore, so it wouldn’t be good for Kim and Pimp Mama Kris.”
Here’s Kim looking like a factory second Real Doll and wearing another rubber skirt while hustling her new toilet water (sorry, eau de toilette) in Australia:
Last night, a YouTube clip of pimp-mom-in-training Kim Kartrashian walking to a van in Paris without North West made the rounds and some think she forgot her kid in her hotel. In the clip, Kummy Cakes, who looks like a rotting cranberry cream cheese log that was nibbled on by worms, does the pap walk to her van, stops for a second and makes a checklist in her head. “10 Louis Vuitton suitcases full of Spanx? CHECK! A trunk with my back-up silicone ass in it? CHECK! Kanye’s breast chafing cream? CHECK! Hmmm, what else? What else? Um, whatshername? SHIT!” Kim strolls back into the hotel and gets North West who was obviously hiding under a sofa while wishing that the weird plastic lady would forget her so she can grow up in that hotel and be raised by mice.
So some think Kim almost drove off to the airport without North. But the fame whore doth protest. Kim queefed up a denial on Twitter after she heard the BREAKING NEWS STORY on the radio (read: She watched the video 25 seconds after it was posted on YouTube while North West tried to escape from Pimp Mama Kris’ lair through Khloe’s doggy door):
Heard on the radio today some story I forgot my daughter at our hotel as I’m leaving for the airport. Are you kidding me?!?!?! LOL I went to the car to make sure the car seat was in because the day before we had a car seat issue. Do u guys really think a 1year old would be inside the lobby by herself!Oh wait she was waiting to check out lol
Some bitches are so ridiculous. Like Kim would really forget her baby. Kim would never forget her must-have fashion accessory of the season! Kim was just doing what she learned from the fame whore master. She did one solo pap stroll before doing another stroll with her living, breathing fashion accessory. Pimp Mama Kris taught her well. But I’m sure she’ll forget North in a hotel next season when babies are out as fashion accessories and albino parrots are in.
Jack from Perth, Australia slept on the street overnight to be the first person
in the world Australia Perth at that Apple store to get the new iPhone 6 and a quick second after he had that priceless nerd jewel (which will be obsolete and a relic in 6 months when the iPhone 7 comes out) in his hands, he dropped it while showing it to a reporter. The way that crowd dramatically let out an “ooooooooh.” You’d think Jack dropped something extremely precious like a baby or a donut. When it slipped out of the box, I expected time to move in slow motion and as Jack contemplated suicide over the thought of his newborn iPhone shattering on the concrete, dozens of fanboys in the crowd would throw themselves on the sidewalk to protect civilization’s greatest creation.
But you know, something in the Victoria Bitter ain’t clean about this. What kind of crazy, hardcore Apple fanboy opens up his new iPhone 6 on the STREET? Every self-respecting crazy, hardcore Apple fanbitch leaves the store with their new iPhone 6 while protected by two rented armed guards and after they escort him home in an armored vehicle, he barricades his front door, closes all the curtains and gently lays his new baby on a freshly cleaned velvet cloth before he blesses it with a worn Steve Jobs turtleneck he bought on eBay and jacks off while pressing the play button for the first time. He would never share that intimate and religious moment with a bunch of strangers.
I didn’t see any tears and he didn’t immediately kiss his iPhone 6 while screaming, “I almost lost you! I almost lost you!” FAKE! That shit was obviously a publicity stunt produced by Apple. When I played that clip on my ancient iPhone 5s, I asked Siri, “Siri, is this shit staged and fake,” and she didn’t say a word. Bitch must’ve signed a non-disclosure.
During one of the last shows of her and Jay-Z’s Stunt Queen Spectacular World Tour in Paris, Beyonce dropped her mic and kind of sort of forgot to keep lip-synching. If this was a lip-synch for your life, bitch would’ve committed lip-synch suicide. I’m sure the BumbleBeys will scream and say that she’s singing with a backing track and it’s impossible for her to sing all out, because the ears of us mere mortals cannot take her all-powerful nightingale angel voice. But I know what’s really going on here. Not only is Beyonce a master performer, a master singer, a master actress (HA), a master mother, a master wig wearer, a master credit taker, a master copy + paster, a master stunt artiste and a master (insert everything I missed here which is a million miles long since she’s a master at everything), but she’s also a master ventriloquist. Beyonce can sing out in her full singing voice without moving her lips. She does this so she can bless her BumbleBeys in the front row with her holy smile. Beyonce is THAT talented. I bet Miss Ohio is her coach.
I had to put the video behind the cut, because it embeds all wonky on the main page. Blame the Illuminati.
The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?
Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!
Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:
“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”
TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.
This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.
Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.
UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this: