Back in August, PedoBear’s favorite caterer Jared Fogle pleaded guilty to receiving child porn and “repeatedly having sex with minors.” As part of the plea deal, Jared agreed to serve at least 5 years in prison and prosecutors agreed that they’d ask the judge for no more than 12 and a half years. But ultimately, it was up to the judge to decide. Jared lawyers pretty much grasped at straws during the sentencing hearing to try and keep him from getting hit with the maximum sentence. They said that Jared had a “mild pedophilia” issue, because he was mostly “attracted” to teenagers and not little children. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, they said that Jared’s not a PEDO pedo.
A psychiatrist also testified for the defense and said that Jared started really acting out on his pedo thoughts when he went on the Subway Diet and started to lose some chunk. The psychiatrist said that Jared replaced overeating with nasty pedo stuff. But just to be sure, you should stay away from Subway turkey subs, because they’ll give you a craving for child porn. Quiznos is totally going to use that: “Yeah, our subs will make you fat, but at least they won’t make you want to diddle kids!”
“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified for the defense at Fogle’s sentencing Thursday morning in Indianapolis. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
Surprisingly, the Subway Diet defense didn’t work. Today, U.S. District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt slapped Jared with the maximum sentence and then some. NPR says that Judge Tanya sentenced him to 15.6 years in prison. He’ll have to be locked up for 13 years before he asks for parole and once he gets out, he can’t have any unsupervised contact with kids. But he can see his own.
Jared also has to pay over a million dollars to 10 of his victims.
Judge Tanya not only won hearts by giving him more than the maximum, but she won my heart during the hearing. When the dried drop of smegma cried about how much he hurt his wife, Judge Tanya stopped him to say:
“You gave your wife almost $7 million though. She’ll be OK.”
Judge Tanya then dropped the
mic gavel, whipped her robe around and exited stage left.
That low-budget basic bitch ABC Family movie that is committing fraud by calling itself Jem and the Holograms has turned out to be a bigger and stinkier turd than expected. If I could time travel back to 1985, I’d tell my young, innocent, little self to just stay in bed for most of 2015. Just pull the covers over your head and don’t turn on the TV or look at something called the Internet. “It’s for your own good!” is what I’d scream at my young self as my young self played with a Pizzazz doll.
Those of us hos from the 80s who were planning to meet with lawyers this morning to discuss suing Universal Pictures for viciously defaming the image of Jem by turning her into an annoying ABC Family movie character, don’t even have to bother. Universal got their punishment, because Jem and the Holograms was an even bigger flop than everyone predicted.
Box Office Mojo says that the entire US box office looked like the inside of a backed-up toilet in a Taco Bell bathroom. It was a complete shit show. The Last Witch Hunter, Rock the Kasbah, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension and Steve Jobs (which opened in wide release) all ended up in the sewer. But the biggest sinking turd was Jem. Some box office expert types guessed that Jem would make around $5 million in its opening weekend, but when tumbleweeds swept into the theaters showing it on Thursday night, they figured it would make $3 million. It didn’t even make half that. It brought in $1.32 million in 2,413 theaters, making it one of the biggest wide-release bombs in box office history. In this GIF, Pizzazz is playing the part of the box office and Lin-Z is playing the part of the Jem movie.
Buzzfeed says that Jem made $547 per theater for the entire weekend and that earned it the title of the third worst opening weekend ever for a first-run movie debuting in more than 2,000 theaters. Only the 2008 cartoon movie Delgo (whatever that is) and 2012’s Oogieloves did worse. But unlike those two flops, Jem was released by a major studio. If you want to know what the weekend’s box office looked like, just Google “a picture of a pile of poop.” Or look at this:
1. The Martian – $15,900,000
2. Goosebumps – $15,500,000
3. Bridge of Spies – $11,365,000
4. The Last Witch Hunter – $10,825,000
5. Hotel Transylvania 2 – $9,000,000
6. Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension – $8,200,000
7. Steve Jobs – $7,270,000
8. Crimson Peak – $5,560,000
9. The Intern – $3,855,000
10. Sicario – $2,950,000
11. Woodlawn – $2,550,000
12. Pan – $2,540,000
13. Rock The Kasbah – $1,509,816
14. Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials – $1,425,000
15. Jem and the Holograms – $1,320,000
Maybe this will finally teach Hollywood that bad things happen when you ruin childhoods by turning a beloved classic into something that has nothing to do with the original story. Yeah, right. I’m sure those evil bitches will announce that they’re rebooting Beverly Hills Teens as a “sci-fi mystery adventure” titled Calabasas Teens, which will star the Smith kids.
The Duggars have said before that even though they have 4,598,874 mouths to feed, they are debt-free and have never needed TLC’s checks to support their army. Jim Bob Duggar claimed he supported his family through real estate shit and Michelle Duggar has forever claimed that they live on the cheap by making their own laundry detergent, etc… Well, both Radar and OK! Magazine seem to think that the Duggars are broke, because they have put their empty hands out on YouTube and are asking their followers for coins. I guess tater tot casserole just isn’t the same when you can’t afford tater tots and have to instead use dirty Styrofoam peanuts you found while dumpster diving.
“I wonder what a bunch of those studio lights would go for on Craigslist?”
According to People, 50 Cent’s “Whoopies, I’m too poor to pay for my sex tape lawsuit” plan didn’t work and now he is – how you say – le fucked. On top of the $5 million 50 Cent was ordered to pay to Lastonia Leviston for posting a sex tape online without her consent, a judge ordered him to pay an extra $2 million in damages on Friday. You hear that, 50 Cent’s fans? You’ve already raised $50.67; only $6,999,949.33 to go!
50 Cent’s attorney told People that they’re “disappointed” that the judge scratched out the number 5 and replaced it with a 7 on the piece of paper showing how much money he owes, and added that his client plans on filing a post-verdict motion to reduce the size of the award. His attorney also said that even though the judge told 50 to write Lastonia a check for $7 million, it will ultimately be up to the bankruptcy court to decide how much 50 Cent will pay.
If that bankruptcy judge calls 50 Cent’s bluff on his $0 bank balance and tells him to fork over $7 million to Lastonia, I hope he stresses that he is to give her seven million dollars. 50 Cent has already tried once to get out of paying Lastonia; I wouldn’t put it past him to try it again. That bankruptcy judge should make it very clear that mailing Lastonia a promotional coupon for $7 million off her next purchase of Effen vodka will not be considered payment.
NBC announced today that they have removed the hairy, pus-filled throbbing pimple that was stuck to their ass cheeks. Univision dropped the Miss Universe pageant after Donald Trump said that immigrants from Mexico are drug-dealing rapists during his fuckery-filled presidential announcement speech. Well, now NBC has joined Univision in saying, “No, you’re fired, bitch,” to the mutated baboon ass. After a petition asking NBC to get rid of Trump got close to 200,000 signatures, the network said in a statement that they will no longer air the Miss Universe and Miss USA pageants. They also made it sound like they’re going to replace him on the Celebrity Apprentice. (Excuse me while I run off to start a petition to ask NBC to replace Trump with the world’s greatest mogul Harald Glööckler.)
“At NBC, respect and dignity for all people are cornerstones of our values.
Due to the recent derogatory statements by Donald Trump regarding immigrants, NBCUniversal is ending its business relationship with Mr. Trump. To that end, the annual Miss USA and Miss Universe Pageants, which are part of a joint venture between NBC and Trump, will no longer air on NBC. In addition, as Mr. Trump has already indicated, he will not be participating in “Celebrity Apprentice” on NBC. Celebrity Apprentice is licensed from Mark Burnett’s United Artists Media Group and that relationship will continue.”
I see NBC trying to make us all think that they fired Trump because the shit nuggets that came out of his mouth are against their “values” and not because the shit nuggets that came out of his mouth are screwing with their money.
Trump, of course, burped up some crap about how NBC didn’t dump him, he dumped NBC. And of course, he threatened to sue their asses along with Univision.
“They did not want me to run. They wanted me to do The Apprentice. And now with my statements on immigration which happen to be correct, they are going to take a different stance and that’s OK. Whatever they want to do is OK with me. As far as ending the relationship, I have to do that because my view on immigration is much different than the people at NBC.”
Trump also released a long shit bag of a statement on Instagram. If you don’t want to read that statement, just watch this old video of a farting hippo instead. It sums up Trump’s words perfectly, but is much less shittier.
And NBC should’ve let Mexican novela queen Soraya Montenegro do the honor of firing Trump by screaming one of her legendary largates at him.
You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.
The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.
The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.
Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.
It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.
And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.
— SB Nation (@SBNation) June 18, 2015
Trust me, you don’t have to grab your 10x magnifying glass – that teeny-tiny banner flying behind that itsy-bitsy airplane does in fact say “CHEATER.” Then again, you probably already knew that if you’re the type who gets the warm fuzzies every time you sense that a cheater is about to get theirs.
Earlier this month, a single tear fell from our eyes and the words “It’s beautiful” escaped our lips when someone – NOT STEPHANIE MARCH – flew a banner that said “CHEATER” over alleged cheater Bobby Flay during his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. Yesterday, another angel brought that beautiful “CHEATER” banner out of temporary retirement and flew it over the U.S. Open while confirmed cheater Tiger Woods was playing a truly shit game of golf. I’m sure Lindsey Vonn is typing up an “It wasn’t me!” statement as we speak.
Tiger allegedly sniffed around the all-you-can-pound sidepiece buffet while he was with Lindsey, so this could be her doing. But it could also be the work of one of the ladies he maybe cheated on Lindsey with. Maybe Tiger cheated on Lindsey with someone, and then he cheated on that someone with someone else. Then the chick he cheated on Lindsey with found out he was cheating on her. Cheatception!
Regardless of who was responsible for the “CHEATER” banner, one this is for certain: it seriously fucked with his head and made him play like Happy Gilmore during the Pepsi Pro-Am.
What are you DOING Tiger Woods??? https://t.co/YG8taYm4Df
— Will Brinson (@WillBrinson) June 18, 2015
“That flying golf club really brings back some memories” said Elin Nordegren.
E.L. James dribbled a re-telling of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian Grey’s POV, because she is a literary wonder who cannot breath unless her swan quill is scribbling out words of poetry on parchment paper with burnt edges. (And because her publisher told her that if she released another Fifty Shades book, three more dump trucks full of cash will appear on her driveway since horny moms will eat up everything and anything she queefs up.) E.L. James newest masterpiece Grey is supposed to come out on June 18th, Christian Grey’s fake birthday. But well, now The Daily Mail says that a copy of it has magically gone missing and the Kent Police are investigating it. Penguin Random House, the publisher of that wreck, is afraid that it will be sold on the black market or leaked onto he internet. A rep for Penguin Random House had this to say:
“Grey will be published on June 18 – Christian Grey’s birthday – as planned. We can confirm that the Kent police are investigating the theft of a finished copy of EL James’s new book Grey. We will not be issuing any further statement.”
Fun fact: Stephenie Meyer partially wrote a re-telling of Twilight from Edward Cullen’s POV called Midnight Sun. In 2008, Stephenie stopped writing it and refused to release it after 12 chapters mysteriously ended up on the internet. And now this happens to the Christian Grey POV book. Stephenie Meyer better hide her man and her dog, because E.L. James is going full Single White Female with her impersonation of her.
On another note, is Grey just blank page after blank page, because the Christian Grey in the movie (yes, I finally watched it and let’s never talk about it again) was about as alive as a cracked butt plug. Also, if you really want to read another Fifty Shades book, you don’t have to actually read another Fifty Shades book. You just have to eat a lot of corn, take a messy dump, wipe your ass and then look at the toilet paper. Same thing! Strangely enough, you can also do that when you want to read Dlisted and are nowhere near a computer or phone.
Here’s Anastasia Steele (aka Dakota Johnson) looking like the mom in a Nicholas Sparks’ movie adaptation while meeting some hot silver piece at LAX last week.
Pics: Wenn.com, Random House
When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.
The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.
A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?
Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.