Category: HAHA On You

Sony Is Throwing $150 Million At Daniel Craig To Play James Bond Again

September 6, 2016 / Posted by:

Last week, the always-truthful British literary periodical known as The Sun said that Bond producer Barbara Broccoli and the head bitches at Sony came up with a short list of actors who could possibly replace STAINS eyeball twin Daniel Craig if he really decides to hang up his tux for good. Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Fassbender, Luke Evans, Aidan Turner, Charlie Hunnam, James Norton and Billy Elliot were all on that short list, according to The Sun. But well, the always-truthful American literary periodical known as Radar claims that the head bitches at Sony aren’t even thinking about touching that short list and are instead sending dump trucks full of gold bars to Daniel Craig’s house, because they really, really want him back. Those around Tom Hiddleston better brace their eardrums, because I have a feeling that the internal scream he’s been holding in for months is going to come shooting out of his mouth when he finds out that he dad-danced at a Selena Gomez concert and played patty cake with Taylor Swift’s cats for NOTHING!

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A Judge Has Issued A Bench Warrant For Tyga’s Arrest After He Failed To Show Up For Court

August 9, 2016 / Posted by:

TMZ says that the police in Los Angeles currently have a bench warrant for the immediate arrest of Kylie Jenner’s part-time rapper/full-time broke joke boyfriend Tyga. Of course it has everything to do with money. More specifically, the dumb shit ways Tyga spends it.

The warrant was issued after Tyga failed to show up to court today. That really shouldn’t surprise anyone; Tyga has such a notoriously busy schedule of hanging out with his teenage girlfriend, after all. Tyga was supposed to appear in court to talk about his bank account. One of Tyga’s many disgruntled former landlords recently called up their lawyer after they saw that Tyga had bought Kylie a $190,000 car for her birthday. You see, Tyga rented a home in Malibu a few years ago, and he was ordered by a judge to fork over $480,000 in unpaid rent. That landlord hasn’t been paid back yet.

The landlord didn’t see that new car as a stupid empty gesture to a spoiled millionaire teen like the rest of us did. TMZ says that landlord considered it to be a “fraudulent transfer of assets“, and that the money should have been used to pay back the rent Tyga owes them.

Tyga was supposed to go to court to explain himself, but he was a no-show. That’s when the judge issued a bench warrant and now the police have the authority to arrest Tyga the second they find him.

If the police have trouble finding Tyga, they should start with Kylie. Or rather, her bank kard. Just call up 7th Circle Financial and politely ask for the last three places it was used. Wherever Kylie is spending money, you can be sure he’ll be right there with her.

Pic: Instagram

Kim Kartrashian Actually Brought Out The Receipts That Exposed Taylor Swift (UPDATE)

July 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Here I was thinking that there was no way in this life or the next that my dream of getting tag-teamed by Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba and Alexander Skarsgard on a bed of Double Doubles would ever come true, but it might! Because Kim Kartrashian actually told the truth about something and that means absolutely anything is possible!

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Justin Bieber’s Cleveland Beat-Down Started Over An Autograph (UPDATE)

June 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, we were gifted with a schadenfreude-filled video of Justin Bieber flexing like the hardest toddler at the indoor playground while attempting to fight a stranger in Cleveland after game 3 of the NBA Finals on Wednesday night. The circumstances of the fight were all kinds of vague; all we really knew was that Justin went for a dude three times his size and got laid the fuck out. Well, the dude who whooped his ass has spoken about the situation and has filled in the blanks for us.

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Toddler Fight Club Alert: Justin Bieber Got His Ass Whooped In Cleveland

June 9, 2016 / Posted by:

The Baby Brother Tommy doll that was possessed by a Summer’s Eve bottle learned a really, really important lesson in Cleveland last night. Bitch learned that he should never try to fight a trick unless he’s got several of his big bad bodyguards around to do the beating for him, because he has the fighting skills of a Furby with a half-dead battery in it. The first rule of Toddler Fight Club for Justin Bieber is to not do the fighting himself, because it doesn’t end well.

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Robin Wright Loves All The Shitty Reviews For Sean Penn’s “The Last Face”

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t know if that middle finger is deliberate or accidental, but since this is a story about how much Robin Wright dislikes Sean Penn, it’s more fun to pretend it’s deliberate.

When Sean Penn’s latest film, The Last Face, premiered at Cannes, the critics thought it was stinkier than the stink-eye Charlize Theron gave him at the premiere. If Sean Penn cared about the reviews and had enough moisture in his dehydrated tear ducts to cry, I’m sure the LOLs and boooos would have triggered a few salty ones to roll down his face. Well, Sean’s ex-wife Robin Wright is loving all the bad reviews.

A source tells Page Six that Robin had been trying to develop The Last Face for years, and it was sort of a passion project for her. She apparently planned on starring in it with Ryan Gosling and Javier Bardem (who did end up being in it), but couldn’t secure the financing for it. After Sean and Robin split up in 2010, he went ahead and obtained the rights to The Last Face. Damn, I knew Sean Penn was cold, but I didn’t realize he was steal-a-script cold.

Page Six claims that the source told them several years ago that Robin was sure Sean optioned the script for The Last Face just to be a vindictive twat. They also say that Robin was really depressed at the thought of it being a success and Charlize winning an Oscar for it. The Last Face currently holds a rating of 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, so I don’t think she has to worry about that. But her frown turned upside down when she found out The Last Face was a bonafide flop at Cannes.

“Robin is thrilled the movie bombed. She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby.”

Another source says that watching her ex-husband crash and burn so shortly after it was revealed that she had successfully increased the numbers on her House of Cards paycheck has got her “quietly smirking while smoking by a window.” I don’t know if that’s a metaphor or she’s literally smirking while smoking at a window, but it sounds like the definition of living your best life. Every SuperSoul Sunday should end with Oprah wishing you a smirk-and-smoke-by-the-window moment.

Pic: Splash

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