If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
It’s not exactly shaping up to be a great week for secondary kharacters on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. First Khloe Kardashian decides that it’s time to stop pretending to care about Lamar Odom’s problems (and maybe to take a look at those divorce papers again). Then Kanye West gets kaught ranting about being an “artist” again. Now TMZ is saying that Kylie Jenner’s broke boyfriend might have to say goodbye to another one of his leased luxury cars.
According to documents obtained by TMZ (aka dropped off on their doorstep by Blac Chyna before her trip to the fire station with Fiance Rob), Tyga owes a whole lot of money to a car loan company called Choice Motor Credit. Tyga hasn’t made any payments on his 2013 Lamborghini Aventador, and now CMC is coming after him for $357,350.77. If Tyga can’t come up with the money, they’re going to repossess his Lamborghini.
This isn’t Tyga’s first repo rodeo with Choice Motor Credit. Back in February, CMC took back Tyga’s 2014 Bentley Mulsanne. TMZ says Tyga still owes CMC more than $91,000 for that Bentley. This also isn’t his first time getting in trouble for being too broke to pay the bills. Back in August, it was revealed that Tyga owed two different landlords a combined total of $150,000 in unpaid rent (with one landlord threatening to evict his deadbeat ass). A month later he was busted giving his girlfriend a $260,000 Ferrari for her birthday that was leased in her name.
Maybe if Tyga is lucky, his sugar teen will swoop in and save the day, and he won’t have to part with his Lamborghini. And if that doesn’t happen, he could always ask one of the producers of Keeping All These Kunts Relevant for an advance on his paycheck. I’d say he could also ask for an advance from his real job, but I’m not entirely sure he still has one of those.
Here’s Tyga’s girlfriend and the factory mold she was cast from (who appears to be cosplaying a hooker from The Matrix) at a recording studio earlier today.
Tragic news for those of you whose favorite way to feel completely dead inside was to suffer through Khloe Kartrashian diarrhea’ing at the mouth about how she’s never seen white dick and hid under the bed as her pimp mom and then-stepdad pounded each other’s fuck parts raw. After just three months, Kocktails with Khloe (not to be confused with, Kocks in Kim, the one-time special that made all of them famous) has been tossed in a fiery pill in Hell along with Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals and Kim Kartrashian’s original face.
FYI, the basic cable network that aired that trash, is apparently saying that Khlozilla’s shit show is on hold indefinitely (how very Janet Jackson of them), but by “on hold indefinitely” they really mean that it’s never ever coming back. TMZ is hearing (read: PMK whispered a sweet nothing into Harvey Levin’s open ear) that FYI and Khloe both decided that it’s best if they walk away. Khloe wants to do other projects and FYI knows that she’s over it. I’m sure the show getting put down had nothing to do with the ratings, because I’m sure billions of people really wanted to watch a melting wax figure get plastered while talking about her sisters’ pussy situations.
They’ve already shot a few more episodes, so FYI will air them before completely washing their hands of that Kardashi-shit.
Well, since Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna (or should we call her, Angela Kardashian) are now engaged and Keeping Up with the Kardashians just got a whole new story arc, I’m guessing that PMK is going to need her entire stable of hos on deck. Khloe is going to need to shoot an entire episode where she threatens Blac Chyna by putting a cut-open butt implant in Blac Chyna’s bed. PMK is going to need their heads all the way in the game, which will be a feat since their heads are permanently shoved up their Tempur-pedic asses.
And if you’re in the Vail, Colorado area and just heard on the news that a rabid Sasquatch is on the prowl, don’t worry. It’s just Khloe:
Either Kanye West really is as broke as he says he is or he’s just really really dumb (“Why not both?” said the Old El Paso taco kit girl), because last night he was caught trying to steal something. No, not a loaf of bread for his poor starving family. Kanye was caught trying to steal music editing software. And how did he get caught? By tweeting a screen grab of a bunch of open browser tabs, one of which was for the illegal torrent site The Pirate Bay. In the words of DJ Khaled: Congratulations, you played yourself.
Good news for those of you who were wondering if Tidal was still the little train wreck that could, I am pleased to confirm that yes, yes it is. While the train has yet to officially ride off the rails and careen full-speed down the ravine, it has once again skipped a couple tracks and caused the conductor (Jay Z,) to no doubt whisper “Shit shit shit” while searching for the kill switch.
Complex says Tidal has fired both their CFO and COO. According to a press release from Tidal (which I picture as being written on the back of a Spotify job application form) CFO Chris Hart and COO Nils Juell were given walking papers because the company decided to move their operations team from Oslo to New York. Chris and Nils won’t be lonely in the Fired From Tidal Club; they’ll be joining the two CEOs and 25 employees that were let go last year. And if Rihanna gets caught Twitter shading the boss’ wife again, she might be next.
No word on who will replace Chris and Nils, but whoever it is might want to pencil in a meeting with the Tidal lawyers for their first day. According to the Jasmine Brand (via Complex), Jay Z and Tidal became the recipients of a $5 million class-action lawsuit on Saturday. Yesh Music and John Emanuele of a band called The American Dollar claim they haven’t received a single royalty check from Tidal, despite streaming 116 of their copyrighted songs.
The lawsuit also alleges that the check-writing team at Tidal are shady bitches who used faulty numbers to make royalty payments and may have stiffed artists by as much as 35%. Shortly after Jay Z invested Tidal, he swore up and down that Tidal would pay every artist, including the non-famous ones, a 75% royalty rate. Shit, maybe Kanye West was telling the truth when he said he was broke?
Here’s the King and Queen of Tidal looking like the house from Up while leaving something called Giggles N’ Hugs with Blue Ivy on Saturday. And no, I can’t with Beyonce’s busted Dorothy Michaels glasses either.
If you ever find yourself in a Nike contract that you want to get out of, because you’re just really tired of making an ass load of money by holding a sneaker and a phone while a photographer takes your picture for an ad, just follow Manny Pacquiao’s lead. Just say some anti-gay shit to the media and BOOM: Nike will tear up your contract faster than you can say the “Just” in “Just Do It.”
Not that I ever doubted her, since there’s no bitch more committed than one with a gift wrapping room, but it turns out Candy Spelling was dead serious when she said she wasn’t handing over a dime to pay off Tori Spelling’s busted Amex bill. Instead, Tori Spelling had to go out and get a part-time job. Or at least the famous person equivalent of a part-time job.
Thanks to ET, we know that Tori Spelling is hustling for a psychic phone line. She must have blown her interview with Dionne Warwick at the Psychic Friends Network, because she had to settle for a company called Psychic Source. But I guess you can’t be that picky when you owe $38,000 to the credit card company. According to ET, Tori will serve as the Psychic Source’s celebrity partner and spokesperson. Tori says she considers herself to be an “expert” in psychics, and that her readings from Psychic Source have always been spot-on. And I’m sure every one of them began with the words “Tori, hang up the phone. I know what your bank account looks like in the future, and you can’t afford $3.99 a minute.”
No word on how many hours it will take Tori working for Psychic Source to pay off her Amex bill, but I do know she can have it paid off twice as fast if she gets The Deaner in on some of that Psychic Source action! What am I saying? Tori’s probably already got him working the phones.
“Hola, jokers – thanks for calling Psychic Source. You ready to find out what’s crappenin’ in your future? Trust me, you won’t be sorry; I can’t count the number of times I wish someone could have predicted the who-what-wheres of every morning I woke up hungover in a random tool shed with a raging case of itch dick. No, really, I can’t count that high.“
Here’s Tori while she was still on funemployment last week with her family at some Monster energy drink thing.
Bill Cosby Charged With Aggravated Assault And An Arrest Warrant Has Been Issued (Update With Mug Shot!)
Bill Cosby and Elmo… Two disgusting and nasty trashy peas in a disgusting and nasty pod.
A belated Christmas miracle happened today. The Pennsylvania District Attorney charged Bill Cosby with aggravated assault, a felony, for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand in 2004. Andrea Constand, who was the operations manager of Temple University’s women’s basketball team at the time, says that the fallen Puddin’ Pop kingpin drugged and raped her at his home in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania in January 2004.
Chris Brown was scheduled to be on The Daily Show last night, but it was Nick Cannon who sat across from Trevor Noah and not the ingrown hair clinging to humanity’s asshole. Chris was reportedly replaced after several TDS staffers screamed “OUTRAGE!” over him being booked. On top of that, Chris Brown’s upcoming tour dates in Australia and New Zealand were flushed down the toilet, because his lawyers were unable to convince officials to un-ban his ass.
Back in August, PedoBear’s favorite caterer Jared Fogle pleaded guilty to receiving child porn and “repeatedly having sex with minors.” As part of the plea deal, Jared agreed to serve at least 5 years in prison and prosecutors agreed that they’d ask the judge for no more than 12 and a half years. But ultimately, it was up to the judge to decide. Jared lawyers pretty much grasped at straws during the sentencing hearing to try and keep him from getting hit with the maximum sentence. They said that Jared had a “mild pedophilia” issue, because he was mostly “attracted” to teenagers and not little children. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, they said that Jared’s not a PEDO pedo.
A psychiatrist also testified for the defense and said that Jared started really acting out on his pedo thoughts when he went on the Subway Diet and started to lose some chunk. The psychiatrist said that Jared replaced overeating with nasty pedo stuff. But just to be sure, you should stay away from Subway turkey subs, because they’ll give you a craving for child porn. Quiznos is totally going to use that: “Yeah, our subs will make you fat, but at least they won’t make you want to diddle kids!”
“Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,” forensic psychiatrist John Bradford testified for the defense at Fogle’s sentencing Thursday morning in Indianapolis. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
Surprisingly, the Subway Diet defense didn’t work. Today, U.S. District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt slapped Jared with the maximum sentence and then some. NPR says that Judge Tanya sentenced him to 15.6 years in prison. He’ll have to be locked up for 13 years before he asks for parole and once he gets out, he can’t have any unsupervised contact with kids. But he can see his own.
Jared also has to pay over a million dollars to 10 of his victims.
Judge Tanya not only won hearts by giving him more than the maximum, but she won my heart during the hearing. When the dried drop of smegma cried about how much he hurt his wife, Judge Tanya stopped him to say:
“You gave your wife almost $7 million though. She’ll be OK.”
Judge Tanya then dropped the
mic gavel, whipped her robe around and exited stage left.