Well, if we’re going to talk about the medieval turd that is the latest King Arthur movie, we may as well do it in between looking at Charlie Hunnam’s nipples.
Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur: Legend of the Sword had a production budget of $175 million. That doesn’t include the money that was spent to pimp it out, and it also doesn’t include the bottles of Valium that Warner Bros. publicists swallowed down every time Charlie Hunnam said dumb shit in an interview. King Arthur opened this past weekend and more people wanted to pay to see Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn looking like Johnny Depp-levels of stanky than see Charlie Hunnam in leather. It bombed bad, and based on the reviews, it made some say, “Maybe that dried dingle wasn’t THAT bad,” while thinking about the King Arthur movie with Clive Owen and Keira Knightley.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s dramatic custody fight over their 16-year-old son Rocco Ritchie is officially over. At least for now. We are talking about a situation involving a teenager and two adults with a history of acting like teenagers, so maybe let’s not hold our breath on this one just yet.
Just when you thought that nothing could be more horrifying than Madge in an Illuminati ritual mask, your eyes scroll down to those jeans which look like they were made by JNCO! This 90s fashion comeback has gone too, too far.
No, Madge isn’t wearing that mask (which is very “Madge after her 10th face lift and 10,000th Botox session“) to a sacrificial Illuminate ceremony. Madge took her kids, Lourdes and Rocco, to that theatrical experience called Sleep No More last night. Everyone has to wear an Eyes Wide Shut mask while watching it. People says that 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie is back in NYC after he’s been living with his dad Guy Ritchie in London for a while.
When we last wrote about the disastrous custody fight over 15-year-old Rocco Ritchie between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Rocco had stopped fighting with his mom for a second to reunite with her at her house in London. Well, it looks like things between them are still okay.
Madge and Guy’s next court room battle royale isn’t until June, but a judge told both of those messes to try and work out their custody issues privately. Maybe they proved that miracles do exist and they were able to stop being wrecks, because Rocco has been spending a lot of time with Madge. People says that Madge has been staying in London, where Rocco is temporarily living with his dad, ever since her Rebel Heart tour ended. I guess Rocco also got over being mad that his mom keeps putting pictures of him on her Instagram, because over the weekend she posted this new picture of them together. Madge posted it with the caption:
We need what, exactly? More booze? Because if you replaced Rocco with a long-haired black chihuahua rolling his eyes, I’d be Madge on a Friday night after drowning all of my sorrows in Hawaiian Punch, vodka and the good shit. Madge is giving me “Siamese Cat wax figurine right after chasing two Ambiens with a glass of red wine” and Rocco is giving me “first toke of the night.” That makes sense, because many people have to be drunk to hang out with a hormonal teenager (“Tell me about it.” – my mom during my teen years) and many people probably also have to be stoned to hang out with Madge.
I know this pic is old as hell, but I like to think that that’s the same awkward [screaming internally] face Guy Ritchie made when his lawyer informed him that there would be no one there to mediate Madonna’s melodramatic performance art crazy at their next custody discussion.
The last time we checked in on Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s messy custody fight over their 15-year-old son, Rocco Ritchie, sources were saying that Madonna had accepted a judge’s decision to let Rocco live with his daddy in London. Now UsWeekly is saying that she wants the three of them to sit down together and discuss this shit without lawyers and judges. Oh yeah, this will definitely end well. Madonna is so angry about this situation that she called her ex-husband a “cunt” in front of an audience of thousands, so I can only imagine the kind of sweet talk she’ll use for an intimate audience of two.
A source tells UsWeekly that Madonna’s kiki with Guy and Rocco will probably happen sometime early in April, but they’re not exactly sure when or where. The source adds that Madonna is worried a date and time will never get set, because Guy and Rocco recently fucked off to the Maldives and she can’t get a hold of them. Regardless of whether or not it actually happens, Madonna and Guy are scheduled to meet back in court on June 1st.
I’m still not sure why Madonna wants to have a no-lawyers meeting. Maybe Madonna doesn’t want there to be any witnesses when she tries to work the same witch sorcery she uses to reverse the age in her face to reverse Guy’s alleged brainwashing techniques.
Last night in the Open Post, I commended Madonna for being relatively tame, for her, with that almost-teary huff huff she pulled at her concert in Auckland, New Zealand when she dedicated “La Vie en Rose” to her son Rocco Ritchie. Last December, 15-year-old Rocco packed his shit up, put on his headphones to listen to Nicole Scherzinger‘s masterpiece “Don’t Hold Your Breath” and moved his ass in with his dad, Guy Ritchie, in December. I thought Madonna was trying to be more low-key with her attention seeking, but she played me. The Daily Mail is reporting she has allegedly accepted defeat on getting Rocco back. This revelation, of course, happened to be “leaked” on English Mother’s Day. Well, played Madonna.