Your choices are:
a) Karlotta Kardashian – The long-lost secret love child of Robert Kardashian and Ava Gardner who was later locked in an attic by Pimp Mama Kris, because that succubus whore was mad that Karlotta was more beautiful and natural than all of her spawn.
b) Little Ang – Big Ang’s younger, skinnier, shorter and more natural sister.
c) La Grande – La Pequena’s biological mother.
d) The real inspiration for all of OctoMom’s plastic surgeries. (Sorry, St. Angie.)
You probably didn’t read any of those choices since the ball of glitter you just hacked up after looking at this gorgeous portrait let you know that the answer is none of the above. It’s Richard Simmons! As he does most days, Richard Simmons put his collection of wigs and Wet ‘N’ Wild cosmetics to good use by dragging it up for Facebook. Eat his beauty (it’s low in calories, I think)!
This dude left the Sunset Towers hotel in Los Angeles last night looking like a zombie just humped on and bit at his leg, and I’ll give you three guesses as to who this mess is:
1. Dude used to hang out with Parasite Hilton a lot, so that explains the infection and it also makes that gross scab the second nastiest thing to touch his leg.
2. Looking at his pictures may or may not give you the urge to stick your fap parts in a bowl full of Crisco and processed candies shaped like a certain Travolta.
3. You always keep a tube of antibiotic ointment in your pocket just in case you see a picture of him and need to disinfect your eyeballs.
And the answer is….GO!
Why it’s Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis!
If you do a Google search for “Jason Davis staph infection” you might be directed to the free clinic website telling you to immediately come in to be quarantined. But if that doesn’t happen to you, you’ll see article after damn article about how he’s had an MRSA staph infection for years. He got it after scraping his leg in a fall or something like that. Ever since then, his SUCIO ass has been strutting those uncovered crusty sores all through Los Angeles.
But at least Gummi Bear doesn’t let that infection stop him from bringing the sexy with his fupa out:
And because it’s lunch times somewhere, here’s a close-up!
The answer isn’t: Lady Caca as Patti LuPone
The answer isn’t: Patti LuPone as Lady Caca
The answer definitely isn’t: Xtina (Xtina wishes!)
The answer is…..
JANE FUCKING WIEDLIN from The Go Go’s!
I haven’t been keeping my Google Alert’s eyes on the ever-changing image of Jane Wiedlin, but when and how did this happen? When did Jane transform herself into the glamorous owner of a family-style Italian restaurant in The Valley who sings a Marilyn Monroe song on top of a tiny fake piano that doubles as the dessert cart to anybody who says it’s their birthday?
This is frying my mind as much as peroxide has fried her hairline. No, of course peroxide didn’t deep fry Jane’s hairline. The piping hot beauty wafting off of her exquisite eyebrow situation singed her hairline until it turned into the consistency of French’s onion strings. Oh, I don’t know how to deal with the fact that in this day and age Jane Wiedlin no longer looks like she spits out pixie dust from her ass.
Here’s The Go-Go’s getting their star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame today. Afterward, Jane changed into a white dress and performed scenes from The Seven Year Itch for tourists in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
Here are two hints:
1. If I typed out his name letter by letter some of you might still be like, “Que?”
2. The above does not apply if your ass still subscribes to BOP Magazine and has copies from 2004 stored in a Chinese Laundry shoe box under your canopy bed.
No, this is not Mickey Rooney wrapped in the Botoxed skin of Pinocchio. It’s 24-year-old Jesse McCartney at Comic-Con in San Diego yesterday!
Jesse McCartney obviously does not give three, two or even one fuck that he’s got a mouth that only Orajel could love. While most hos would cover that mess up with a Stormtroopers helmet, Jesse is working the camera with every inch of that sore. Get that Valtrex endorsement, bitch!
While I totally get that Jesse is a nudist when it comes to his cold sores, he could’ve dressed that shit up a bit. You know, throw some glitter on it. Stick a sore tassle on the end of it. Or since it’s Comic-Con, cover it in brown fur and say it’s a Wookie sore. But that Paris Hilton on his mouth is at the bottom of Jesse’s list of problems. At the top is…..
It’s like his brows got into a fight with his crow’s feet and the latter scratched out the former. Jesse has every right to make lips curl into mouths by flashing that sore, but he does not have the right to serve that tragic eyebrow situation to the public. Jesse needs to throw a brow toupee on those things until he gets them fixed by someone who is authorized to work a pair of Tweezers. Or those stray hairs on Jesse’s chin should be re-planted on his brows. I swear.
I can look past that sore and the fact that he’s got that Courtney Stodden’s shit (which is the new Benjamin Button’s shit), but I cannot look past those sad brows.
I know, I know. This is a half-assed (or pear-assed in this case) Guess Who?, but blame Jennifer Love Hewitt for sucking at hiding her SANS FARDS face behind her purse and not providing us with a proper Guess Who?. I don’t know why she suddenly sucks at hiding since she’s been hiding her talents for years. (I don’t mean that. JLove’s busted Nancy Sinatra drag act in American Dreams was and still is a gift.) JLove did the awkward purse raise like an HSN host trying to peddle handbags at 3am while shopping for stuff in Studio City, CA yesterday.
The pained look on JLove’s face could be mistaken for “My purse just farted!” face or, “My Vajazzle rash itches!” face, or “For why can’t I keep a man? I will even give him this purse as a dowry!” face, but it’s none of those. JLove’s shirt says it all. That’s the same look we all make when we’ve got the hard shits. Constipated face! JLove is letting the world know that her bowels need some java lube. Thanks, JLove!
I’ll give you three hints as to who’s giving a complimentary thigh show at a gas station in L.A.: She’s a she, her nickname is a delicious food item and you’d definitely make a question mark with your face if someone seriously asked you the question, “Why is she famous.” And the answer is….GO!
It’s none other than Rumer “Tater ” Willis! Did you really think Phoebe Price would troll around L.A. while looking like a 1970s lot lizard who travels up and down the coast by hitchhiking? Absolutely not! Okay, she would, but it’s not PP this time. It’s Rumer! So if you guessed right, please come down to the front to collect your prize of nothing!