Warning: Before you read what Woody Allen said about his relationship with Soon-Yi Previn, you should strap your skin down with something strong, because it will want to crawl off of your body and you don’t want your tissue flying all over the place as you chase after it. That won’t be a good look.
Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of
Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.
Brooke Hogan, one of the many nuggets floating around in the metaphorical toilet that is Hulk Hogan’s sex tape transcript (working title: “The Hulkster is About To Make You Feel Real Uncomfortable, Bruthur“), is apparently super sad that people think her daddy is racist. I know, right? Whatever would give us that idea? It’s not like there’s reportedly a recording of Hulk Hogan growling out the n-word over and over again. Oh wait…
Brooke wants you to look past The Hulkster’s word turds and into his (probably) deeply sun-damaged heart. Shortly after Hulk admitted that, yeah, he said some offensive shit and apologized for it, Brooke wrote a poem titled “If You Knew My Father” and posted it to Facebook. So for those of you who have ever scrolled through the Dlisted archives and wondered what former famous person Brooke Hogan has been up to, you have your answer. Poetry. She also made a picture collage of Hulk Hogan shaking hands with an assortment of people, because Brooke Hogan really wants you to know her dad loves everyone.
The poem is after the cut because it’s way too many words. But also because it’s a damn MESS and you’re going to want to slam a couple shots of something hard before you try to work your way through it.
Hulk: So whatcha gonna do when the Hulkster runs racist on you?
WWE: Um, fire you.
WWE announced this morning that they are done with barbecued piece of gristle Hulk Hogan because of a leaked transcript where he uses his deep fried mouth slit to shit out the n-word a bunch of times. The WWE’s website is now 40% less orange, because they have already erased every sign of Hulk Hogan from it. They released this statement:
“WWE terminated its contract with Terry Bollea (aka Hulk Hogan). WWE is committed to embracing and celebrating individuals from all backgrounds as demonstrated by the diversity of our employees, performers and fans worldwide.”
The good news is that George Clooney is taking a quick break from telling the world that he loves Amal Clooney more than Kanye loves Kanye, more than White Oprah loves an open bar, more than John Travolta’s prostate loves a good rubdown, etc… etc… The bad news is that George Clooney has handed the baton over to a supposed friend named Kathy Lette (more like, “Kathy Lette’s Not”) who laid it on so thick that you will need to put on a snorkel mask before reading or else you’ll drown in the verbal cheese vomit she spews out.
If your Sunday hangover has given you the dry heaves and you need something to inspire you to barf everything in your stomach out, here’s the perfect thing!
Around two weeks, The Associated Press was able to get a judge to unseal the 2005 deposition that speckled lump of grossness Bill Cosby gave when he was sued by Andrea Constand who claimed that he drugged and assaulted her in 2004 at his home in Pennsylvania. In the AP’s piece, they said that Bill Cosby admitted to buying quaaludes to give to women for “sex.” Well, The New York Times threw up more pieces from the 1,000-page deposition and it’s a great thing to read if you’ve been looking for an excuse to dunk your head in a giant pot full of boiling ammonia.
Brody Jenner recently did an interview with Mirror Online (via UsWeekly) and talked about sex, because Brody Jenner is a sexpert now. One of the things Brody talked about was how his younger half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, probably won’t be calling up their big brother and asking for sex advice any time soon. And it’s all thanks to growing up in the Kardashian Khompound.
“Do you seriously think they don’t know what’s up? They could teach me things! I mean, look at their older sisters. Are you kidding me?”
And if Kylie and Kendall are too busy to teach him about sex, he could always call up Scott Disick and to audit the non-stop fuckfest happening at his bachelor pad this weekend.
But really, what could an amateur sexpert like Brody teach them that they haven’t already learned from a pro like Kim Kardashian? Only in the Kima Sutra does it explain how to execute maneuvers like The Sleepy Kanye (when you slip your husband a sleeping pill so you can spend the night taking selfies), The Fame Maker (when you have sex with a famous singer’s barely-famous brother on camera), or The Non-Drowsy Kim (when someone fucks you so good that your face muscles move). Speaking of sex tapes, Brody also talked about if either of his little sisters decided to release a sex tape. Brody, STOP.
“I’d be supportive if that’s what they wanted to do. I’d congratulate them – especially if they did what I did and put an entire project together from beginning to end.”
The “project” Brody Jenner is referring to is a sex tape he made when he was 17 and destroyed shortly after. Once again, as if Brody needs to give Kendall and Kylie advice on releasing a sex tape. If they want to learn how to release a sex tape, they can sign up for their Kris Jenner’s 2-day seminar, How To Kash In Your Koochie With Kris, at Hell’s Learning Annex.
Here’s one of Brody’s little sisters (the fashion model one) getting frozen yogurt yesterday.
The entire marketing department at Subway is melting in their office chairs this morning, because their slogan “Eat Fresh” has a new NOT RIGHT meaning and has careened into dark places of NO.
FOX59 says that at around 6:30 this morning, the Zionsville, Indiana home of fatty turned $5 foot-long pusher Jared Fogle was raided by the feds in an ongoing child porn investigation. Reporters at Subway Jared’s house say that an evidence truck is parked in his driveway and both the Indiana State Police and FBI investigators are at the scene. It’s Pat’s creepy-looking nephew hasn’t been charged with anything and the feds are still searching his house. Back in college, Jared ran a black market porn lending service out of his dorm room, so the feds could be spending a whole lot of time with his hard drives.
The raid on the house that $5 foot longs built could be part of a long-term child porn investigation. In April, Russell Taylor, the former director of The Jared Fogle Foundation (an anti-obese kids charity started by Subway Jared), was put into handcuffs for possessing and producing child porn. Investigators found more than 500 dark-sided videos and pictures in his house. Russell Taylor was dropped by The Jared Fogle Foundation immediately after he was arrested. Russell Taylor tried to kill himself in jail and he was put on life support.
In possibly related news, reporters at the scene say that tricky bitch Ronald McDonald and shifty brat Wendy were seen tip-toeing out of the backdoor of Subway Jared’s house while giggling and high-fiving each other.
And well, if Subway drops Jared, I’m sure he can get a job in Mike Huckabee’s campaign or as Josh Duggar’s cook.
I don’t know if Pepto-Bismol works this way, but I just chugged an entire bottle hoping it might prevent some of the nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea I will definitely get from reading this awful shit about the Duggars. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Megyn Kelly’s second interview with the Duggars airs tonight, and this time she’s sitting down with two of Josh Duggars molestation victims, his sisters Jill and Jessa. If you were wondering whether the second interview is just as awful as the first, Megyn has pretty much confirmed that, yes, yes it is. Megyn spoke to Extra about her upcoming interview with Jill and Jessa, and she let us know what to expect this evening.
“They started off as your normal 22, 24-year-old girls, a little bubbly, kinda giggly, and then when we really get into it the tears started to flow… imagine how painful that would be… they never chose to have this piece of their family story put out there, and I think they are struggling with what people are assuming about their family and about what happened to them.”
When asked if she thinks Jill and Jessa have forgiven their brother for the shit he did, Megyn answered:
“I do, yeah I do. They told me that. They also talked about the journey from the pain to the forgiveness, and it was not without some bumps in the road.”
Ugh, why do I get the feeling that part of the interview began with Michelle Duggar pulling a cue-card out of her crunchy nest of hair, handing it to Jill and Jessa, and whispering “Now remember, you’ve forgiven Josh. I’ve written down your journey from pain to forgiveness right here if you so happen to forget.”
By the way, the Pepto didn’t work. Turns out it’s no match for the stomach-turning power of this mess.
If you ever find a drone hovering above you, do not try to fuck with that bitch, because that bitch may bite back and slice up your best finger banging finger. Enrique Iglesias learned this the hard way at a show in Tijuana, Mexico last night.
Enrique’s rep tells the Associated Press that during his shows, a drone flies above the audience to get shots of his fans and sometimes he grabs the drone to give everyone a point-of-view shot. But last night, the drone didn’t feel like being touched by Enrique and it sliced his fingers up. Julio Iglesias’ child accidentally grabbed the blade part and he bled like a newbie bottom taking a 10″ inch burrito peen without lube.
Enrique proved that he can be our hero, baby (sorry), by going on with the show. His rep says that he ran to the side of the stage and got it “semi-treated.” Apparently, his people told him to cancel the show, but he performed for 30 more minutes and he even went full punk by drawing a heart on his shirt with his own blood. Drawing a heart in blood on a t-shirt is what Taylor Swift would do if Taylor Swift’s body was temporarily possessed by Sid Vicious.
After the show, Enrique went to the airport where an ambulance was waiting to fully treat his jacked-up finger. He took a flight to L.A. where he’s going to meet with a specialist.
So, again, the lesson to be learned here is to not put your hand anywhere near a piece of machinery that’s got razor sharp blades on it. And yes, this is coming from a trick who once almost lost his good fappin’ hand while doing the YMCA dance under a living room ceiling fan.
And to think, I thought that Enrique Iglesias had his mole removed through lasers or some shit, but now I know that a drone cut that bitch off.