Make sure your lady-in-waiting has the smelling salts out and position your velvet fainting couch right behind you before you read this shocking news. Are you ready? A rich, powerful man will not faces charges for allegedly groping a model. Aaaaand faint!
The Manhattan District Attorney’s office announced today that they will not file any charges against hairy slug Harvey Weinstein (seen above with his wife Georgina Chapman who obviously married him for his hotness and heart and not because he shits money and bankrolled her fashion label) for allegedly touching a model without permission at his office during a work meeting. The 22-year-old model Ambra Battilana told cops that she first met Harvey at a show at Radio City Music Hall and they exchanged e-mails to set up a time for her to come into his office so he could look at her portfolio and acting tapes. During the meeting at his office at the Tribeca Film Center, she claims he grabbed her breasts, put his hand up her skirt and tried to kiss her even though she kept saying no. She busted out of there and filed a complaint at the police department.
Shrek’s creepy cousin denied ever doing anything wrong. A source (Hi, Harvey’s people!) told The New York Post that Ambra stopped cooperating with the police and wouldn’t return their calls. The source claims that she and her manager were “blackmailing” Harvey into giving her a role in one of his movies in exchange for her not pressing charges. Ambra’s lawyer reportedly dropped her because of the stunts she was trying to pull. The Daily Beast also wrote a long piece about Ambra’s history of accusing powerful types of assault.
Ambra was eventually interviewed by the cops and agreed to call Harvey while they listened in. Harvey admitted on the call that he touched her and got a “little frisky,” but said that he was touching her tits to see if they were real. The overgrown Hobbit said that as a “producer” he needs to know these things. And now I need to pour bleach on my face, because it sounds like almost every meeting with Harvey Weinstein is like that audition scene in Fame.
The D.A. released this statement today:
“This case was taken seriously from the outset, with a thorough investigation conducted by our sex crimes unit. After analyzing the available evidence, including multiple interviews with both parties, a criminal charge is not supported.”
So, let’s see, a creepy, disgusting millionaire power player admits to groping a woman without permission, but says he’s entitled to do it because it’s in his job description and he gets away with it. Yup, it’s business as usual.
And this whole story is probably really weird to you if you read Harvey Weinstein’s name as Harvey Fierstein.
If you look at Jon Hamm and think to yourself that’s definitely the face of an asshole who abused balls with a hammer and terrorized b-holes with severe wedgie torture in the early 90s, then you’re strangely specific and probably right. That’s if you believe what Star Magazine has given us.
Star (via The Daily Mail) says that long before newly sober Jon Hamm was setting panties on fire with his smolder and bruising eyeballs with his Hammaconda bulge, he was literally setting pants on fire and bruising nalgas with a paddle. Star found documents from 1990 that paint Jon Hamm as a piece of shit frat douche and not in the sexy gay porn kind of way either. When Jon Hamm (seen above as a senior in high school) was a sophomore at the University of Texas at Austin, he was charged with assault after a frat pledge accused him of all sorts of violence. The pledge, who was 21 at the time, told police that when he showed up at the Sigma Nu house at 2:30 on a November morning in 1990, a 20-year-old Jon Hamm warned him that it was going to be a long night. Again, that may sound like the start of a sexy gay orgy porn, but it’s not. The pledge says that Jon and his fellow frat douches terrorized him for almost two hours.
You might be feeling dead inside from reading the dozens of hilarious April Fools’ jokes that your prank master friends are putting on Facebook, so here’s something to fill your insides with sweetness and awwwwness. One of The Real Grifters of New Jersey Teresa Giudice is about 3 months into her 15-month prison sentence and since she’s got court fines and creditors to pay back, she got prison bitch glamorous for a touching fambly portrait shoot for UsWeekly. Nothing brings the unfeeling mound of bitterness you call a heart to life like a criminal making money off of being a criminal. But what really makes this cover extra special and sweet is that they cut out her two other daughters from the picture. You dodged a tacky bullet, other Giudice girls.
UsWeeklysays that the Olan Mills-like portrait was taken in the visiting room at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Conn, which is Teresa’ home for the next few months, because she committed bankruptcy fraud, among other things, with her husband Juicy Joe. Teresa told UsWeekly through her lawyer that what she really misses most is Bravo’s cameras. No, Teresa said that she misses her girls and they will get through it together as a fambly, blah, blah, fart, blah.
When JLo and Casper the Douchey Gold Digger broke up, nearly everyone broke up with their pieces, because if an egomaniac and Frogger’s maybe cheating, glory hole-trolling cousin can’t make it, who can?! Well, it turns out they can make, because they’ve been making it this entire time. That’s what TMZ says anyway. When JLo said that she’s happy to be single, what she really meant is that she’s a STUNT QUEEN who is happy to be tricking us all. Apparently, JLo never stopped doing the low-rent KFed and only said that to create “buzz” for that The Boy Next Door movie. Beyonce just bowed down to JLo and her shameless PR hustle.
TMZ says that JLo and Casper did break up last June, but they got back together a few weeks later. JLo didn’t say anything and pretended like they were done, because she and the producers of The Boy Next Door felt like they’d sell more tickets if everyone thought she was getting on her co-star Ryan Guzman. She also had a book about love she needed to whore out. For the past few months, they’ve been trying to keep it on the down low, but I guess they’re over that, because they kissed in front of the paps the other day. The whole “single for press” thing also worked for Casper, because he wanted to look single while shooting a UFC fighter movie nobody’s going to watch.
JLo had it right when she was lying about being with Casper Smart and she should’ve kept lying. I get that JLo may want to be with a piece she can boss around, but why Casper’s buff Jon Cryer-looking ass? Were there not better options at Boy Toys ‘R Us? Whatever, I guess the coochie wants what the coochie wants. Or maybe… JLo was trying to cross a bridge one day and she ran into Casper who was guarding it. When Casper asked her to solve a riddle, she got it wrong, which put a curse on her and she’s been tied to him ever since! Blink twice if I’m right, JLo.
In news that’ll make you prolapse out of shock, Woody Allen was a creep and left a young actress with a thick layer of ICK NAST on her skin.
In Mariel Hemingway’s new memoir Out Came The Sun (which on the cover, she’s doing the international sign for pussy eating for some reason), she writes about how when she was barely 18, Woody Allen, the human version of a stranger giving you a back rub during a hug, kept trying to take her to Europe and even flew to her parents’ house in Idaho to convince them to convince her. Mariel had just acted in Manhattan and she thought their relationship was strictly friendly, but quickly began to realize that the skeezy turtle in glasses wanted to get into her chonies. Mariel didn’t really want to go to Europe with Woody, but her parents kind of pushed her to go:
She warned her parents “that I didn’t know what the arrangement was going to be, that I wasn’t sure if I was even going to have my own room. Woody hadn’t said that. He hadn’t even hinted it. But I wanted them to put their foot down. They didn’t. They kept lightly encouraging me.” Allen was then in his mid-forties.
Mariel knew what was up and went into Woody’s room in the middle of the night with her pajamas on (“Wait until morning, bitch!” – me to 18-year-old Mariel) to tell him she knew what he was trying to pull on her.
Hemingway woke up in the middle of the night “with the certain knowledge that I was an idiot. No one was going to get their own room. His plan, such as it was, involved being with me.” She shook him awake in the guest room and demanded:
“I’m not going to get my own room, am I?” As Allen fumbled for his glasses, Hemingway informed him: “I can’t go to Paris with you.”
Woody left Idaho the next day on his private jet.
I know, BREAKING NEWS, a creepy grown Hollywood director tried to get on a pretty, barely legal girl. The real news is that Woody tried to get with Mariel when she was already legal. But WTF at her parents pushing her to go. Are Mariel Hemingway’s parents related to White Oprah? Because that is some shit White Oprah’s drunk ass would pull. “Iss okay, honey, juss share a room with him. He’ll make you faymish!“
Your move, Chris Hansen.
Last month, Wiz Khalifa’s outlet mall equivalent Tyga swore up and down during a Power 105 radio interview that he wasn’t rubbing his his 25-year-old sex parts on the 17-year-old underage sex parts of aspiring Real Doll Kylie Jenner. Well, I guess he got tired of everyone shooting him “Uh huh, sure” side-eyes, because last night he said fuck it and Instagrammed a picture of his high school girlfriend with the caption:
“Certain things catch your eye, but only few capture the heart“
“Awww, that is so sweet!” said Pedobear. “Aw shit, that is 8 layers of NO” said the rest of us.
Of course, Tyga didn’t come right out and says “I am humping on this plastic-looking teenager”, but that creepy catch your eye/capture the heart shit was probably enough to make Tyga’s lawyer start nervously tugging at the collar of his shirt and telling his assistant to hold all his calls for the next little while while he tries to explain to his client that just because he chose a picture of his girlfriend where she looks like she’s pushing 40 doesn’t make it any less not-right.
Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris kouldn’t be prouder that the youngest and least marketable of her whores has finally found her calling. Hey, in PMK’s world, being the putty-faced jail bait girlfriend of someone semi-famous is a calling.
Speaking of jobs, here’s Kylie looking like an off-off-off brand version of Old Kim (prototype model name: Kam Krudashun) while hustling some drugstore face cream she definitely never uses in London earlier today:
Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.
Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.
As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.
And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.
That screen shot looks like a scene from the worst 1-900 chat line commercial that only airs in HELL.
Ever since woman after woman publicly came forward to claim that Bill Cosby drugged or drugged and raped her, his PR team has been a wreck and has shown other PR teams how not to handle a situation like this. They kept with their strategy of “Let’s just do everything wrong” by letting Bill Cosby shoot a video message to his fans where he blankly stares at nothing during a fake phone conversation while wearing silk pajamas. Nope, nothing creepy about that.
In a short video that his people gave to Good Morning America, Bill tells an imaginary person on the other end of the phone that he’s doing a show in Wheeling, West Virginia. This whole video is a solid NO from his Hugh Hefner-like silk pajamas to that phone, which may or may not be the same phone that he was talking on when Janice Dickinson took a picture of him.
That shit is so awkward and creepy that after watching it, I grabbed the drink that was next to me, threw it out and got a new one in a fresh cup. Bill’s publicist also attached a little note to the video that was sent out:
Dear Fans: I hope you enjoy my wonderful video message that’s filled with laughter. Hey, hey, hey, I’m far from finished.
Bill Cosby’s publicists are seriously staying clueless, because they haven’t yet told him that maybe it’s time to retire that “far from finished” line since nobody who has been accused of raping dozens of women should say that.
As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:
My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.”
Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”
In short: I love it!
If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…