Many advertisers are doing what Jim Bob Duggar has never done while mating with Michelle Duggar. They’re pulling out. So far, 13+ advertisers and counting have let it be known that they’re done with buying commercial space during 19 Kids and Counting. TLC snatched 19 Kids and Counting from its schedule, but they haven’t officially dropped it in the bin marked CANCELED yet. Maybe they’re thinking it’ll all blow over (or they’re working on that rumored spin-off show). If they’re waiting it out, they better get a copy of War and Peace and have a seat in the most comfortable chair in the waiting room, because it’s going to be a while. This mess isn’t going away. Case in point: InTouch Weekly uncovered another dingle in this shitty situation.
This whole Josh Duggar child touching situation has already produced several dozen Big Gulps full of chunky, lukewarm hypocrisy and here’s another one, so open up and plug your nose. The police report from 2006 says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar knew that Josh Duggar was a 14-year-old PedoCub who molested several girls (including his sisters) but they never turned him over to the cops. Jim Bob asked a state trooper friend (turned convicted kiddie porn collector) to give Josh a “stern” warning. When the police wanted to talk to Josh for real in 2006, Jim Bob refused to bring his son in for questioning. Well, the Jim Bob Duggar of 2002 claims to have felt much differently about how an incest committer should be punished.
In 2002, Jim Bob Duggar ran for U.S. Senate and on his campaign website, he said that anybody who commits incest should find themselves side-hugging the Grim Reaper during a one-way trip to hell. Jim Bob’s campaign site has since been deleted, but nothing is ever truly deleted on the internet. Defamer got a screen shot through a cached version of the site. While you read this mess, I’m off to Google: “How Do I Truly Delete A Cached Version Of Some Old MySpace Pictures Of My Friend And Me Dressed In Drag As Mariah Carey In The Heartbreaker Video At A Halloween Party In 1999?”
Jim Bob lost the Republican nomination. Josh Duggar is also still alive.
It’s really not surprising that when his own committed incest, Jim Bob went from “Death to those evil incest doers” to “Oh, I’ll just ask Officer McPedoFlicks over there to give him a stern talking to” real quick. It’s just one of those things that after you read, you shrug and think to yourself, “That’s so Duggar.” But I have learned something new about the Duggars, specifically Michelle.
I used to think that Michelle’s curly fries and tidal wave bang hair looked like that because she covered it with homemade gel and enough hairspray to kill a bull. But now I know that it looks like that because it’s full of dark-sided secrets!
Ugh. Even when he’s nothing but a solid-white blob with a question mark over his face, Josh Duggar still manages to give me the creeps.
I’ve started to develop some major tears in my neck muscles, on account of all the chronic NOPE-style head shaking this gross mess with Josh Duggar has caused. But my neck isn’t the only thing that has gotten sore; my eyes are also cramping up at the amount of times they’ve hard-stared at TLC in an “Are you going to do anything about this?” way. So far, all TLC has done is release a statement saying they’re sad for the family and victims and that they’re pulling all episodes of 19 Kids & Counting off the air. Now TMZ says TLC is thinking about pulling more than just episodes.
According to “connected industry sources“, TLC is weighing their options when it comes to 19 Kids & Counting. One option is to flat-out cancel the show, but that probably won’t happen, because the only thing TLC likes more than families who disclose their shady pasts before they get on camera is cold hard cash. TLC also believes the Josh Duggar molestation scandal wouldn’t affect viewership, since it’s pretty clear they still have a huge evangelical fan base who would keep watching the show. However, they are worries that companies might pull their advertising dollars.
So their second option is to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to Josh Duggar and his family and completely take him out of the show. According to the sources, nobody really gives a shit about Josh anyway and viewers only care about the girls, like Jill and Jessa. Apparently option No. 2 is the one that is looking best to TLC.
But what I really want to know is how TLC plans on writing (yes writing – we all know that shit is as fake as a Kardashian’s ass) Josh Duggar off the show. Will he die in an unfortunate botulism accident from improperly sterilized pickle jars? Or maybe they’ll pull a Poochie and send him back to his home planet on a flying can of Aqua Net hairspray, never to been seen or heard of again.
UPDATE: TLC pulled 19 Kids and Counting from their schedule, but they haven’t officially canceled it yet.
As Josh Duggar shat up a statement where he admitted to molesting several underage girls when he was a teenager (and later prayed the pedo away), TLC really went for it by airing a marathon of 19 Paychecks and Counting. Obviously, the marathon was scheduled to air long before the world learned that Josh Duggar is even more disgusting than we all thought. But after Josh admitted it, you’d think that maybe, just maybe, someone at TLC would hit the abort button on that marathon and replace it with episodes of I’m A 600-lb Gypsy Bride And I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant With A Little Amish Medium. (That may or may not be a real show on TLC, but I’m pretty sure it’s real.)
TLC hasn’t said anything yet about what they’re going to do with 19 Kids and that’s making the butter in No Mama June’s veins boil. TLC dropped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the dumpster right after a picture came out of No Mama June hanging out with the convicted pedo who allegedly abused her own daughter Chickadee. Seen above hugging on a horse’s ass (“You’ll have to be more specific, because I see two horses asses there. Horse ass-to-horse ass!” – you), June the Hutt tells TMZ that she will hit TLC with a lawsuit if they don’t put 19 Kids And Counting in the trash. June moaned about how the cancellation of her show cost her hundreds of thousands of dollars and she wants that monies if TLC keeps the Duggars on the air.
Before we dive face first into a giant puddle of grossness, here’s a video of a puppy friend going, “Hiccups, how do they work?” You’re definitely going to need it later. Or just skip this depressing wreck altogether and go straight to the palate cleansing cuteness.
Yesterday, my mouth gave birth to 19 heaves (and counting) when I wrote about how the eldest of the Duggars, Josh Duggar, was investigated briefly for doing something “inappropriate” to a minor when he was 17. The only details we knew at the time were that his dad Jim Bob Duggar turned his son in to the police and the case went nowhere due to a pedo state trooper not following up on it. Well, InTouch Weekly and TMZ have added 4,500 coats of gross creepiness to the situation.
A year or two ago, I was on a 19 Kids and Counting message board (yes, go ahead and join God, Jesus and everybody else in the section marked “I’m Judging You For That”) and I read about how Josh Duggar, the first kid to fly out of Michelle Duggar’s tennis ball machine punane 27 years ago, was accused of wrong stuff involving a minor. Well, InTouch Weekly claims their “sources” have seen the receipts. I better work on my shock face, because I’ll need to make it tomorrow morning when I turn on Today and see Michelle Duggar trying to sweep this story under the rug by announcing that she’s knocked up with triplets she’ll name Jalopy, Jerky and Jem (she better not).
InTouch says that in 2005, a 17-year-old Josh was brought into a police station in Arkansas by his dad Jim Bob Duggar, who said he caught his son sneaking out of a young girl’s bedroom. InTouch doesn’t say how old the girl was or who she was. Jim Bob learned that “something inappropriate” happened and immediately put his son in front of the police to face the law. An investigation was opened and Josh faced charges for “sexual assault in the fourth degree,” but since the world is sometimes a shitty, shitty place it went nowhere thanks to the state trooper who originally took the police report. The state trooper never followed up on it. I’m taking that to mean that the state trooper, shrugged, said “meh” and pushed the case to the side, because that same officer was later convicted on child pornography charges. The officer is currently serving a 56-year sentence in prison. So yeah, the officer investigating the alleged child molestation case turned out to be a pedo. I almost said, “Only in Florida,” out loud and then I realized this mess happened in Arkansas.
If that headline made your clit skedaddle up into your body, you might be able to coax it back out with a GIF of Charlie Hunnam’s humping ass. But who knows if that will even do it. It knows things now and it’s not sure the world is safe as long as Alan Thicke is orgasming as his son yodels out a high-pitched castration wail.
In “sometimes the sleazy, gross apple doesn’t fall far from the sleazy, gross tree” news, Alan Thicke and his wife Tanya Callau just had to let it be known that Robin Thicke’s song “Sex Therapy” is like musical Viagra to them. That’s funny, because to me, any Robin Thicke song has the opposite of effect on my fuck parts. While talking to UsWeekly, Alan said that when he and Tanya really want to go to Fucktown, they put on his son’s song. Suck down an entire bottle of Dramamine, because this mess will bring the heaves:
In this week’s Loose Talk video, Alan, 68, and his wife, Tanya Callau, 40, admit that they aren’t afraid to get busy in the boudoir with son Robin Thicke’s music in the background. “When we do get freaky, we love [Robin’s song] ‘Sex Therapy,'” Callou, Alan’s wife of 10 years, told Us. “You have to admit, it’s a great song to get in the mood.”
Thanks to Robin and Tanya, that song is now a great song to get you in the mood to barf your insides out.
Some people like to get off to Marvin Gaye and Alan likes to get off to Robin Thicke. Since he’s into using really cheap imitations for sex tools, I’m sure he uses Dollar Tree lotion instead of lube and drinks Taco Bell Fly instead of Spanish Fly.
And of course, Robin Thicke had something to say about this:
Since they’re both gross, I bet Robin Thicke puts on his dad’s song “Hot and Sweaty” when he wants to get sexy. Me too, actually.
Oh, Bill Cosby “spoke out” alright; he spoke out, in, up, down, backwards, forwards, and sideways. He was the great glass elevator of talking, and all directions lead to NO. Bill Cosby recently spoke to ABC News about those sexual assault allegations that will not go away, no matter how many times he tries to Swiffer sweeper that shit under the rug. I don’t know if he was sucking back a couple fermented pudding pops in the green room before the interview or just doing an impression of a dude who should probably stop talking, but it was a mess.
Poor Chris Hansen; he’s probably got a next-level case of shin splints from all the chairs he’s kicked out for Tyga to have a seat on.
According to TMZ, 25-year-old rapper/father/owner of some busted Ronald McDonald hair Tyga is no longer being coy about his relationship with 17-year-old future homeschool drop out/aspiring filler enthusiast Kylie Jenner. Tyga sort of dipped his toe into the shallow end of the poor decisions pool by getting her name tattooed on his arm, but recently he dove straight into the deep end. Even though the age of consent in California is still 18, TMZ says Tyga has been telling his friends that he’s not worried about statutory rape laws because his teenage girlfriend is “more mature” than most adults. Tyga thinks that because Kylie is a millionaire who runs a company and owns her own house, she’s basically a grown woman. “Looks like I’m no longer needed here” thought the numbers 1997 on her birth certificate.
Tyga also says there’s nothing “morally wrong” with dating a 17-year-old, and that he “doesn’t give a fuck about what the law says.” I’m going to use that one the next time I’m pulled over for steering my car with my knees so I can two-fist a pair of cheeseburgers.
Even though you and I know what Tyga and Kylie are doing is the definition of shady, not-right, and NO, “law enforcement sources” tell TMZ that unless someone files a complaint, there’s nothing they can do about it. And you know that even if someone were to file a complaint, it would be intercepted by Pimp Mama Kris’ telekinetic shitty parenting powers.
But where’s Kylie in all of this? If you said school, then you’re a dumbass. No! She’s filming Snapchat videos of herself getting “high as fuck“. Bruce Jenner, come get your plastic-looking kid!
I don’t know if it’s because Blake Lively is about as exciting as a nap or that I’m easily distracted by booze, but I’m very interested in learning more about that drink hovering over her shoulder.
But back to Blake (“Awwww” said everyone who wanted to know more about that drink). According to Deadline, tryptophan’s closest living relative has been cast in Woody Allen’s new movie. Blake joins fellow mumbly actress Kristen Stewart, as well as Jesse Eisenberg and Bruce Willis.
Nobody knows what the hell this movie is about, but now that we have two of Hollywood’s premiere nearly-inaudible acting-challenged under-30 actresses on board…well, I still have no idea. Maybe Bruce Willis plays a middle-aged speech pathologist who falls in love with two of his clients who are barely half his age. Or a middle-aged oral surgeon who falls in love with two of his clients who are barely half his age. Or just a regular middle-aged dude who falls in love with two women barely half his age who also happen to both talk like their jaw muscles can’t be bothered. That one? Sure.
So far, Bland is signed on as an actress, and it makes sense that she’d do a Woody Allen film, considering she’s obsessed with dusty old relics from the past. But I’m sure once Woody discovers that she’s an old-timey music enthusiast, he’ll put her in charge of the film score too. Woody Allen’s films are always filled with jazz music that sounds like it was recorded on the tail of a weasel during the great depression, so it’s right up her alley!