Not content to let Bill Cosby hog the “beloved father figure-turned-awful garbage person” spotlight, America’s other dad Stephen Collins is back to talk about that time he confessed to being a child toucher during a therapy session that was secretly recorded by his ex-wife Faye Grant. Stephen released a statement to People magazine where he admits pretty much what we already know (that he was a creepy predator who molested three girls back in the day), but also provides us with some new information. Don’t worry, it’s not the kind of new information that will make you reach for a fresh bottle of brain bleach. Well, it might – but you won’t use the whole bottle this time.
Reverend Eric Camden’s gross bizarro world counterpart says that he hasn’t touched anyone in the wrong way since 1994, adding “I have not had an impulse to act out in any such way.” Stephen Collins really wants you to know that his child toucher days are behind him and he hasn’t done anything bad in 20 years. He also wants you to know it’s all his sneaky ex-wife’s fault that he’s even releasing this statement:
“Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent.”
“On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.”
Ah, what would the “sorry not sorry” apology be without a good old fashioned throwing under the bus. Speaking of sorrys, Stephen also says he has apologized to one of his victims (who Stephen says was “extraordinarily gracious”), but that he hasn’t reached out to the other two, because he’s afraid it might make things worse for them and doesn’t want to open old wounds. Or maybe he’s just afraid of the new wound that will be opened on his face when he meets up with his adult victims and they “make things worse” with one of their fists.
Some dudes choke the chicken and others like Justin Bieber choke the cock.
Dried smegma dingle Justin Bieber shat up this picture on Instagram of him getting kinky with fellow shit head Chris Brown. I know, these two were in the same room together and nobody unleashed a hungry tiger into the room before locking the door. What is wrong with people?!
Those two really go together like an enema and a bowel full of hard shit. But who knew that Justin Bieber is the dom and Chris Brown is the sub in that relationship? These two look like they’re getting into some rough trade in the backroom of the worst S&M club ever. This is like something out of Fifty Shades of Douche. If you were browsing disgusting pictures on 4Chan (example: a picture of My Little Pony disintegrating in a jar of jizz, etc…) and laid eyes on this picture, you’d probably say, “Nope. TOO FAR.” If this picture wasn’t gross enough, the Biebs upped the grossness with this little air kiss blown at Chris Brown:
Had fun with the homey @Chrisbrownofficial
E! thinks that the picture is tasteless and insensitive since The Difficult Brown punched and choked RiRi in 2009. Did they expect anything less?
The Biebs and Fist Brown are having fun and sharing their kinky homey love on Instagram today, but we all know how this is going to play out. They’re going to break up and Fist Brown is going to accuse the Biebs of fucking Wheelchair Jimmy in Toronto.
Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.
TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.
Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.
When the employees of VOGUE moved into their new office at 1 World Trade Center earlier this month, they discovered a surprise. No, it wasn’t that building management had left them an all-blueberry muffin basket; it was that their office was overrun with rats. RATS! Pointy kitties! Multiple sources tell Gawker that the rat problem is so bad, fancy reptilian humanoid Anna Wintour has informed VOGUE staff that they have to prove that her office is rat-free before she steps into it. No word on where she’s currently working, but I’ll assume she was able to find a warm rock to curl up on.
I’m not sure what Anna’s problem is; rats are super smart! Has she never seen Ratatouille? That one rat learned how to speak English AND cook French food. Show some respect, Anna! And it’s not just rats! Remember how Cinderella’s mice friends designed AND sewed her a ballgown? A BALLGOWN! Rats and mice are practically people! Sure, maybe one will bite you and you’ll have to haul ass to the hospital for a rabies shot, but I’m sure the rest are cool.
Or maybe she refuses to enter her office because she’s terrified that one of the rats will look like Miss Bianca, and she knows she could never compete with such a chic bitch.
I know rats are everywhere in New York City, but I can’t help but wonder if somebody put those rats in Anna Wintour’s office on purpose? Let’s see, who would be deeply tasteless enough to get revenge on Anna Wintour by filling her office with creatures known to hang around trash. Quick, somebody check Kim Kardashian’s klothes for traces of rat hair!
On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.
TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!
So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:
That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.”
When we last left the sad puddle of diarrhea and rotten sketti sauce that is the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo saga, Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell had told Entertainment Tonight that she feels betrayed by Not The Mama June and it hurts seeing her pathetic excuse for a mother smiling while hanging around Mark McDaniel, the corroded ass wart who molested her when she was a little girl. Since then Anna told Dr. Drew on his HLN show that June the Hutt’s second youngest daughter Pumpkin thinks Mark McDaniel is her father. Anna said that June the Hutt has made Pumpkin believe that Mark McDaniel is her dad and that is why Pumpkin is pissed off at her right now.
Well, the creature whom Kelly LeBrock turned into a mountain of wet shit many years ago gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight and said that the convicted sex offender who molested Anna isn’t Pumpkin’s father, but a different convicted sex offender is. June the Hutt really does love those pedos. The National Sex Offender Registry is her Tinder.
A few days ago, Radar, Gawker and a bunch of others picked up a comment from an obvious Christian fundie satire blog that claimed that 21-year-old Jessa Duggar and her 19-year-old husband Ben Seewald couldn’t ignore their hot, tingling loins after getting married and had their first marital fuck as husband and wife in a room at the church. The commenter claimed that Jinger Duggar (I never CAN with that name) caught the newest Duggar baby machine getting on her new husband’s dick right after her wedding. The rumor was believable for a quick second since the Duggars are more obsessed with fucking than I am. But it turned out to be fake and the comment was erased from that parody blog.
But since Jessa Duggar is one of those church people who gets off on responding with bible verses instead of giving it to us straight like a normal person, she responded to that made-up story on Instagram by throwing this up:
Everything I learned in catechism class was replaced by more important facts like who auditioned for the role of Nomi in Showgirls and what was Heathcliff’s girlfriend’s name, so I don’t really know what that means. I’m not fluent in Bible anymore. But I’m guessing what Jessa’s trying to say is that haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, God is going to kill kill kill that blog that started the rumor and she didn’t pop her cherry in the House of the Lord. She and Ben just 69′d before she squirted all over his tux and he came on her head. Am I close?
And you know how Jessa Duggar Instagramm’d this awkward picture of her kissing on her sleeping husband?
That picture has spawned a nightmare. After the jump is the picture that Jessa’s parents Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar texted her with:
The whole “Mama June dating a convicted child molester” situation was already ten layers of barf wrapped in twenty layers of shit and dipped in pure awful, but it gets worse and I didn’t think that was possible. TMZ says that Mama June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, wants people to know that she was the one who was molested by her mom’s alleged boyfriend Mark McDaniel. This is your cue to heave your way over to a video of a cat sleeping on a red bell pepper.
TLC dumped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the trash bin today after they discovered information that proves that Mama June really is dating the piece of shit who spent 10 years in prison for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He got out of prison in March and Mama June has been seeing him ever since, allegedly. Mama June screamed “LIES!” and claimed she hasn’t seen him in 10 years, but TLC didn’t believe her after they found out she went shopping for a car for her child touching boyfriend.
TMZ says that at first, Anna believed her mom and thought it was just a made-up lie. But Anna started to get more and more information that made her believe that Mama June has been filling her ears with deep fried lies and has betrayed in the worst way by dating the trash who abused her. Anna is letting it be known that she’s the victim because she wants everyone to know that Mama June is fifty tons of pure evil.
Anna wants it known she’s the victim because it makes what her mom is doing all the more egregious. We’re told Anna feels her relationship with her mom has been destroyed, and the only way June can see her granddaughter is if McDaniel is nowhere to be seen.
Gawker says that Anna spent most of her life living with her memaw. Anna’s memaw raised her and she moved back in with Mama June to shoot the show. Anna gave birth to a girl on the show when she was 17 and earlier this year married a guy she was dating for 2 years.
I knew Mama June was trash, but I thought she was the good kind of trash. I will never ever trust scripted reality TV again!
Jesus, take the wheel, pick up Uncle Poodle, drive by June the Hutt’s lair of evil, throw Honey Boo Boo and her sisters in the car and drive far, far away. I mean, when you make Pimp Mama Kris and Kate Gosselin look like legitimate Mothers of the Year…
UPDATE: Anna tells Radar that her relationship with Mama June is pretty much dead.
“I believe she is seeing him and hanging around him. I’m hurt. I think me and Mama’s relationship may well be over.”
Radar also says Anna’s abuser didn’t go to prison for molesting her. That case was later dismissed. He went to prison for a different molestation case.
Here’s runny vom vom up my froat, because TMZ says that Mama June has really taken the bad decisions cake, gobbled it whole, threw it up and then ate it again by dating a convicted child molester who just get out of prison. Yeah, Mama June put Sugar Bear on the curb for flirting with some chicks he met on a dating site and has allegedly moved on to a child touching monster. Well, if scientists were wondering if eating massive amounts of sketti sauce and cheese balls rots the part of your brain that operates your sense of reason, they got their answer.
Here I was thinking that Mama June and Sugar Bear’s break up was just a good old fashioned scripted stunt for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it turns out that America’s First Family of Class really has broken into a million pieces and slipped down into the gutter. A source tells TMZ that Mama June’s new piece is Mark McDaniel, a 53-year-old piece of trash who was convicted of aggravated child molestation for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He was sent to prison for 10 years. Mama June dated him when he molested the girl and the girl is one of her relatives. Yeah, so this is just a Big Gulp of GROSS.
The source says that Mark McDaniel got out of prison in March and it didn’t take long for him and Mama June to hook up again. While Honey Boo Boo was shooting, Mama June allegedly snuck out of the house to spend time with her sex offender boo. TMZ has a picture of them snuggling in a hotel bed together if you really want to spend a few minutes of your day cleaning barf off of your screen after two waves of puke shot out of your eye sockets.
TLC told TMZ that Honey Boo Boo isn’t in production right now and “we are very concerned about this new information and are reassessing the future of the series.” Translation: “After learning this information, we have renewed Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for 5 more seasons, because rating$$$$!”
Mama June hasn’t farted up a statement about this yet, but a Dlisted reader sent me screen shots of her (or someone who has access to the Honey Boo Boo FB account) response (which she or someone else later deleted) in a thread on Facebook about this heave-inducing story. Mama June is allegedly screaming ‘SHOPPED and denies sleeping with the enemy:
Mama June has a history of humping on felons, so sadly this wouldn’t be that shocking if it was true. If it’s true, then Mama June doesn’t have to worry about the gnats nibbling the cheese on her Forklift Foot anymore, because even they will be so grossed out that they’d quit her for good. And TLC should probably change the name of the show to: RUN, HONEY BOO, RUUUUUN!
In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.
A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.
Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:
“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”
Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.
I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream: