It’s Pat’s child-touching nasty third cousin Jared Fogle (aka the worst thing to come out of Subway, which is saying a lot if you’ve ever gotten the tsunami shits from one of their foot-longs) took a plea deal last August to avoid a trial. The AP says that as part of his guilty plea, Subway Jared had to pay 10 of his victims $1 million. No, he didn’t pay them $1 million each. He paid each of them only $100,000, which will probably barely cover all the therapy they’ll need.
Back in August, Jared agreed to plead guilty to one count each of traveling to “engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor” and passing out and receiving child porn. His sentencing is set to go down on November 19th, and he’ll get at least 5 years in the clink, but won’t get more than 12 1/2 years in the clink. 10 of his victims have already gotten a $100,000 check and 4 additional victims will shortly get the same. Prosecutors say that victims getting restitution before sentencing almost never ever happens.
The $100,000 checks were hand-delivered to each of the 10 victims or their parents over the last several weeks, with each signing a form saying they had received the money and that it is intended to benefit that particular victim, Assistant U.S. Attorney Steven DeBrota told The Associated Press on Thursday.
DeBrota said he’s handled only one other case in which restitution was paid to victims before sentencing in nearly a quarter-century of prosecuting child porn cases.
Before the world found out about Subway Jared’s pedo ways, his net worth was reportedly $15 million. But after paying lawyers, his victims and his soon-to-be ex-wife, he’ll probably be as broke as my bowels after I made the mistake of eating a choco walnut brownie from Subway. If this piece of trash really did make $15 million from Subway, the receptionist at their headquarters should expect Mama June to wobble up to the desk and say, “I heard y’all were hiring a new spokesperson and I also heard y’all don’t do backgrounds checks.”
Two strange things have happened: 1. Terry Richardson jizzed up into someone’s body instead of all over their face while taking their picture. 2. The ovary of that someone he jizzed up into didn’t immediately pull down its security gate and slap a “WE HAVED MOVED! NO FORWARDING ADDRESS!” sign on it as soon as it saw Uncle Terry’s nasty sperm fishes swimming toward it. I thought all women were born with that protective gene. I guess not. Because Page Six says that soon, the humanized skid mark on a pair of crunchy American Apparel chonies is going to be a father to an actual human being. SANTO DIOS!
From The Department Of Yawn: Miley Cyrus And The Flaming Lips Are Going To Do A Show Completely Naked And Covered In “Milk”
If Miley Cyrus did a show fully clothed while sipping warm milk in a mug, that would be shocking, edgy, next level and would be filed under “Miley, As You’ve Never Seen Her!” But Miley is being Miley by doing an entire show where she’s nipples-out naked, The Flaming Lips are nipples-out naked, the entire audience is nipples-out naked, and they’re all covered in some kind of milk-like substance. See, that’s the difference between famous millionaires and us. When we get the idea to throw a naked milk party while tripping on acid, it doesn’t happen. But when famous millionaires get the idea while tripping on acid, they make that mess happen.
Yesterday, Wayne Coyne barfed up the news on Instagram that the least popular Garbage Pail Kid is putting together an entire show where everybody’s naked bodies will be covered in some kind of liquid shit that isn’t leche, but looks like leche. It’ll be shot for Miley’s video for “The Milky Milky Milk.”
Oh fuck..!!! @mileycyrus is planning a show where her, the band ( us ) and the audience are all COMPLETELY naked with milk ( well white stuff that looks like milk) is being being spewed everywhere .. It’s a video ( in the works) for #mileycyrusandherdeadpetz song The Milky Milky Milk…
A bunch of fucked-up sticky people rubbing their naked bodies all over each other… What could go wrong? At the end of the show, that floor is going to look like a giant serving of yeast infection and dead crab chowder and I’m not talking about the kind of crab that sang songs in The Little Mermaid. But really, this is nothing new at all. I mean, a big party where everybody’s naked and covered in a white sticky substance? That probably happens weekly in the Scientology bath house!
No, I’m not going to guess what that finger smells like, because I’m way too hungover and not drunk enough for that.
The world hasn’t been the same ever since Justin Bieber’s Canadian breakfast sausage hit the Internet. Lives and relationships have been destroyed. Case in point: One of my friends said to me, “I can’t believe Justin Bieber’s dick is more impressive than Lenny Kravitz’s.” I would tell you that friend’s name, but I erased it from my memory, because she is forever dead to me now.
Speaking of erasing stuff, Justin Bieber’s lawyers are trying to scrub the Internet of the pictures of Biebs’ peen breathing in the Bora Bora air. The Hollywood Reporter says that his lawyers have hit the New York Daily News, the first ones to post the pics, with a cease and desist letter and are demanding that they yank Justin Bieber’s dick. As of right this second, the pictures are still up on the NYDN’s site.
Well, this is…something. 32 year old father of three Scott Disick, seen above using his arms to show how big of a douchebag Scott Disick is, is apparently chasing his dead relationship with the least fame whorey (I CANNOT believe I just typed that) Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, with an 18 year old girlfriend. “Oh Scott, I knew you’d step up to the plate and give us something good to work with for the next season of KUWTK” cooed Scott’s former pimp-in-law Kris Jenner.
TMZ says Scott’s new girlfriend is a recently-legal blonde model from Canada named Lindsay Vrckovnik. They’re currently hanging out in Florida, because that’s what you do when you’re a 32 year old man who doesn’t have a job, I guess. TMZ has pictures of Scott and his new girlfriend frolicking on the beach, if that’s something you want to see.
I know there are grosser things than a 32 year old dating an 18 year old, but let’s put it into perspective. Scott’s new piece was 13 when his first kid was born. Scott was 14 when his girlfriend was born. Most importantly, Scott’s new girlfriend was barely a year old when Spice World was released. I mean, how the fuck do you relate to someone who wasn’t around when Spice World came out?
On the up side, Scott now has someone who will be there waiting in his hotel room to clean his ass up when he comes home drunk from the club, since his current girlfriend isn’t old enough to get in.
Speaking of 18 year olds who are dating grown-ass adult men with kids, here’s Scott’s former sister in law Kylie Jenner leaving a studio in Los Angeles yesterday.
It’s a slow Friday (I blame the Pope and Crying Tangerine) and when it’s a slow Friday, there’s nothing better than a story about fast food foolery. A woman in Sandusky, Ohio waltzed into the Taco Bell there and her eyeballs got the heaves when she watched an employee take his hand to ass town while on the job. The thing about putting your hands down your panties to scratch your ass cheeks in public is that someone will probably take a picture of it since people take a picture of anything nowadays and they will definitely take a picture of it if you’re working the counter at Taco Bell. The woman who took the picture is no joke, because she put it on Facebook, sent it to the local news and made sure everyone knew that you may get a little bit of butthole powder in your Crunchy Taco Supreme at the Taco Bell in Sandusky.
The picture went viral and ended up in the complaint box of the Eerie County Health Department. Butt before the health department did anything, the owner of that Taco Bell fired that ass scratcher and trained the staff to not go digging for dingles while clocked in. Taco Bell also released this statement about this important incident to ABC 12.
“This is completely unacceptable. Our franchisee took immediate action and has terminated the employee and retrained the entire staff. We want customers to know that the person in the photo was never in contact with the food, and that the Health Department inspected the restaurant and approved its operations.”
Yes, this is gross, but what Taco Bell puts between a taco shell is grosser (and yes, I still eat it.) And I’m sure their meat has so many chemicals in it that it can kill all the germs in that dude’s ass dust.
In the never-ending real-life episode of American Whorror Story: Koven, Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore powers are weakening as Kylie Jenner’s fame whore powers grow stronger, and she’s okay with that. So she says. Kim, Kylie, Khlozilla and Kendall Jenner all have apps for sale. I’m not really sure what’s in the apps, because it’s against my religious beliefs to pay $2.99 for a Kartrashian app. Kylie’s app is selling the most and so she may be well on her way to overtaking Kim’s spot as Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho.
UsWeekly says that in a segment on Kylie’s website called “You’re In Bed With Kim + Kylie” (too easy), the hollow vessels of plastic had a “conversation” (for lack of a better word) about how PMK’s youngest is close to snatching the fame whore krown off of Kim’s Botoxed mannequin head. Kim asked Kylie, “How do you feel now that you have dethroned me?” When Kylie didn’t say anything (and probably because she had just filled her Fix-A-Flat lips and couldn’t open them to speak), Kim dribbled this out:
“I love it, like, I love it. I need some time off. I mean honey, let’s be real, you’ve got to put in a few more years before you actually dethrone me. But I give my baton to you. Who better to pass on knowledge to my baby sister, rather than a random non-family member.”
Yes, Kim really needs time off, because doing absolutely nothing is exhausting. Kummy Kakes went on…
“You guys, this is amazing. I give Kylie all my tricks, I give her all my tips. I give her everything, and more. She is so, like, deserving. If I would want anyone to follow in my footsteps, anyone to borrow my clothes, anyone to like share my glam team it is Kylie, King Kylie.”
“I give her all my tips.” Why am I picturing Kim on all fours on a tarp, showing Kylie how to take a golden shower in a sex tape as Pimp Mama Kris pours lemonade on her ass? And I bet late at night in Buckingham Palace when THE QUEEN and Prince Charles are having a kiki in her bedroom, they have conversations that go exactly like that.
And here’s a SANS FARDS-ish Kylie actually looking 18 while doing stuff with PedoTurtle the other day.
The CDC has just issued a CODE RED and an expert team that handles biological threats has been put on 24-hour call, because if this rumor is true, who knows what kind of flesh-eating diseases and creatures will be unleashed on the world from Miley Cyrus licking on Dane Cook’s dick with her smegma-covered tongue.
Just a couple of months ago, Miley Cyrus was “caught” by the paps finger fucking and making out with Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. Well, a source tells UsWeekly that Miley’s finger may also be butt banging every early-aughts frat boy’s favorite comedian Dane Cook. 22-year-old Miley and 44-year-old Dane have been friends for a few years and they’ve apparently taken things from “friends” to “hump buddies.” Let’s all put on Hazmat suits and hold each other, because I know we’re all scared right now. Dane did not confirm or deny this terrifying news when E! asked him about it. He only said this:
“I’m always the last to know these things. Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”
I read that as an “eating out” joke and that means they’re totally fucking. I blame Mickey Mouse’s evil ass. Because it feels like everything Miley does, she does to prove to us that she’s no longer that squeaky clean, wholesome Disney star. When she rubbed her raw chicken paillard ass against Robin Thicke, we all said, “Okay, we get it.” When she posted pictures of her dyed cotton candy pube bush, we all said, “You’re edgy. Got it.” But now she’s gone TOO far by fucking Dane Cook. It’s all fun, games and cock until an all-powerful fast-mutating strain is created and destroys us all. Isn’t this how The Strain started?
Subtle has a new definition and it’s that picture.
Barely legal Kylie Jenner did a photo shoot for something called Galore Magazine and in case you couldn’t tell from the thick layer of ICK NAST covering your skin, the pictures were taken by the textbook definition of pervert Uncle Terry. If these pictures had audio, you would be able to hear Pimp Mama Kris screaming, “Whore out, Louise! Work it, own it and take those pants off before you put that tiger toy on your krotch! Too much? Yeah we should save that for Playboy.”
Speaking of PMK, last week I posted about how she’s supposedly koncerned that Tyga is using her little plastic ATM with Fix-A-Flat lips. Well, today People magically has quotes from a sores (typo and it stays, because the “sores” is probably PMK) who says that she’s all for Kylie and Tyga. I’m sure these quotes will be read when Pimp Mama Kris is once again named Pimp of the Year at the Players Ball.
“There’s not much she could say since Kylie is an adult now. Kris actually supports their relationship big time. She thinks he is the next hip hop genius of our generation and wants to do anything she can to help him succeed.”
PMK is a noted hip-hop expert and knows what she’s talking about, so I’m sure Tyga will go on to become the greatest rapper of all-time. Please, just because PMK’s stable of hos have done half of the rappers out there doesn’t mean she’s an expert hip-hop expert. And if PMK is trying to sell Tyga to the public now, that means whatever was left of his soul is in a jar in her lair and he’s her whore now.
There’s been an opening on Bill Cosby’s cheer squad ever since the former captain walked off court and slid her pom poms into the trash, and it looks like Damon Wayans wants to be that person to fill it.
Major Payne gave his thoughts on the gross situation with Bill Cosby during an appearance on New York’s 105.1 The Breakfast Club on Friday, and just like Homey D. Clown, Damon Wayans don’t play dat when it comes to the sexual assault allegations. Damon Wayans thinks poor Bill Cosby is being hustled by a bunch of bitter bitches who are mad that the Jell-O pudding pop in his pants has gone soft. Yes, really. He also claimed that some of the women who came forward are obviously lying because they’re, according to Damon Wayans, “unrapeable.” Coach, please come get your dad.