This mess of a story is coming from Life & Style (via Radar), so it should be taken with an entire Morton Salt factory, but then again, this is the Duggars we’re talking about and we all know that when all else fails, they shoot out another baby.
According to sources, Josh Duggar and his wife Anna Duggar bareback boned their way to a baby while he’s in a Christian rehab facility for his supposed addiction to boning. Anybody with a working brain is probably wondering what kind of rehab facility lets you get into the addiction you’re being treated for? Well, maybe the counselors let Josh and Anna hump on each other for the benefit of the other fuck addicts in there. I mean, hearing Josh Duggar’s fuck moans would shrivel up anybody’s genitals and keep them off of ass forever.
The source says that Anna and Josh’s Christian rehab fuck party led to her getting knocked up with their 5th child. Anna is supposedly telling everyone that the Band-Aid baby in her womb is God’s way of telling her that she should stay with the child-touching rotten gourd.
“Anna announced that she thinks she is pregnant again. She believes the baby is a sign that God has forgiven Josh for his many sins, and she’s vowed to stand by her husband.”
Um, I have a feeling that if God was going to send Anna Duggar a sign, that sign would look like this:
I’m sure that if it’s true, that child will feel so special when they learn that their brainwashed mother and their dried smegma ball of a father made them in the rehab facility where their dad was banished to after he had rough sex with porn stars. And I won’t believe this until I get a sign from the fame whore Gods and what I mean by that is I won’t believe it until I see a commercial for TLC’s new show 1 Band-Aid Baby And Counting starring Anna Duggar.
No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodie‘ Lindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.
It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.
Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.
“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”
Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.
But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.
It turns out there’s one person who isn’t cursing out Sean Penn’s name today. While El Chapo is cursing out his name for accidentally leading Mexican police to his hidey-hole, and the editors at Rolling Stone are cursing him out for his War and Peace-length interview with El Chapo they had to edit, and everyone who read that Rolling Stone interview is cursing him out for the migraine they got after reading that mess, his first ex-wife Madonna was admitting that she still loves him.
Back in October, there were whispers that Cool Mom and Angry Dad were humping on each other again, but I didn’t want to believe it, because nobody is that dickmatized, right? Then we sort of got proof that something was up last night, when Sean showed up to a fundraising event for Haiti with his ex-wife and her kids. And then we knew something was really up when Madonna got on stage and said the L word a bunch of times.
— DrownedMadonna.com (@DrownedMadonna) January 10, 2016
It used to be that seeing the names “Sean Penn” and “Madonna” in the same sentence meant that the story about Sean Penn allegedly getting violent with Madonna at her house had popped up again, which is more than enough reason to want to take Madonna aside and ask “Really? Him? Again?“. But Madonna recently denied that ever happened.
Still, it’s insane to me to think that Madonna is actually willing to take an extended break from banging a regular rotation of nameless 20-year-old dancers. You know you are truly next-level dickmatized when you can look into the face of current-day Sean Penn and your coochie hollers “Clear your schedule and grab some lube – we’re gonna ride that wrinkled walnut ’till the wheels fall off!”
Here’s more of Madonna and Sean Penn and two of Madonna’s kids at Sean’s fundraiser for Haiti last night.
BREAKING: There’s another human alive who actually pressed their naked body against the slimy dumpster reptile skin on Tyga. What a world.
Tyga somehow found time in between creeping on a 14-year-old and trying to get kamera time on KUWTK to hump on a 23-year-old Brazilian Instagram model. A source tells UsWeekly that Tyga met Annalu Cardoso on a video shoot and she was later on his MTV2 show Kingin’ with Tyga. The real story here is that someone at MTV2 was brain dead enough to give Tyga a show. The shell-less PedoTurtle and Annalu apparently texted back and forth before hooking up. The source says that Tyga would get with Annalu whenever Kylie Jenner was out of the country, but he didn’t always try to keep it on the down low. Sometimes he’d bring Annalu around his friends. via UsWeekly
“He would text her and ask how she was doing, casual conversation. Then he started asking her to send pics and to meet up,” a second insider tells Us. “They hooked up a couple of times, but for the most part they would just hang out.”
The second source claims that Tyga also introduced Cardoso to some of his friends. “She and Tyga wouldn’t be extremely affectionate in front of them, but she could tell his friends all knew that they were something,” the source says. “If someone else was sitting next to Tyga, they’d move so she could sit next to him.”
The source claims that the constipated slug eventually got more and more scared of their affair getting out and his barely legal sugar mama cutting off his allowance, so he ended things with Annalu. He apparently still tries to get with Annalu from time to time but she’s not having it.
This “story” is really hard to believe for two reasons: 1) I refuse to believe that there’s actually another living and breathing person on this planet willing to fuck Tyga. 2) Annalu Cardoso is 23 years old. That’s practically granny territory to Tyga.
Yesterday, a 14-year-old girl named Molly O’Malia held a press conference with her lawyer, the queen of press conferences Gloria Allred, to tell her side of the story that OK! magazine ran about her and 26-year-old Tyga. OK! wet farted up a tale about how Tyga texted with Molly after finding her on Instagram. OK! claimed that Tyga and Molly flirted back and forth. But during her press conference yesterday, Molly said that she never went there and thought Tyga was contacting her about her music. According to Molly, Tyga kept trying to FaceTime with her and that made her feel uncomfortable. Well, Tyga’s manager took his ass to TMZ to let everyone know that Tyga isn’t a creepy turtle-faced pedo who was trying to get with a 14-year-old girl. He’s a professional record label mogul who was only interested in her musical talent. It’s way too early in the year to have this much bullshit splattered onto my eyes.
Tyga’s manager Anthony Martini claims that the junkyard salamander and his “team” (Side note: Let me guess, his “team” is made up of PedoBear, Subway Jared, R. Kelly and Woody Allen…) contacted Molly because they noticed that her music got a lot of attention on social media. Since every trick in the land has a record label, Tyga has a record label called Last Kings Records and his people were interested in maybe signing Molly. Anthony claims that the texts between Molly and Tyga were strictly professional and never got “uncomfortable.” Tyga wanted to FaceTime with Molly but only because he wanted to talk business face to face and wanted her to sing for him and his producers.
TMZ says that Molly claimed she was 17 in the texts. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Oh, the old, “I can help you with your career, I can make you a STAH,” trick. Bill Cosby’s lawyers are probably having a busy morning, because they’re filing a copyright infringement lawsuit against Tyga for stealing their client’s act. But let’s say there’s a milliounce in hell that Tyga wanted to FaceTime with Molly for professional reasons only, that’s still an act of child abuse. No child should have to FaceTime with that creeper face.
Last month, OK! ran a cover story claiming that 18-year-old Kylie Jenner dumped 26-year-old Tyga for a minute after she caught him texting with a 14-year-old girl he met on Instagram. The 14-year-old girl named Molly and her lawyer, THEE GLORIA ALLRED, held a press conference today to set shit straight and tell her side of what happened between her and the malnourished tattooed slug weasel.
OK! pixelated Molly’s face on their cover and they never named her, but she says that the kids at school still figured out that it’s her and wrecks on social media have been harassing her. OK!’s story should be read in a boiling bleach bath, because they claim that Molly was “excited” about Tyga flirting with her. Molly said in the press conference today that OK! printed lies. She says that Tyga found her on Instagram and she talked to him because she thought he was contacting about her music.
Here’s a whole ten tons of gross for a Tuesday, and no, I’m not referring to the cloud of sleazy douche stank that’s wafting off that picture above. According to Crime Watch Daily (via Extra), Mark Salling – aka Puck from Glee – was arrested this morning by the LAPD for possession of child pornography. Feel free to run to the bathroom and start your Silkwood shower now.
Sources say that the LAPD Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force Unit served Puck with a search warrant at his home early this morning. TMZ says the police were tipped off by an ex-girlfriend. Obviously shit wasn’t good when they got inside, because he was arrested shortly after. Extra says the alleged newest member of the Famous Sick Fucks club (current acting president: Subway Jared) is currently being transported to jail, where he’ll be booked and things might get messier.
This isn’t Mark Salling’s first time calling his lawyer and asking to clear some space in their day planner. Almost three years ago, Mark was sued by his ex-girlfriend for allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom and getting violent with her. Except this is the first time his lawyer can play the “I don’t know him” card in the event they want to pass their client (and this whole alleged possession of child porn business) off to someone else. And it’s not exactly like they’d be lying; hearing the words “I don’t know him” in the same sentence as “Puck from Glee” is probably a pretty common occurrence in 2015.
The Voice is over, but Gwakes everlasting love will long live after all of our bones have turned to dust. Ever since Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton became a thing, I’ve been throwing a suspicious side-eye at them, because if it looks like a stunt, acts like a stunt and has been seen spending time with stunt troll extraordinaire Ryan Seacrest, it’s probably a stunt! But now that Uncle Blakey has been hanging out with her chirrun and they’re going on vacation together, I’m beginning to think that the tag attached to their relationship doesn’t read “100% FRAUDULENT!”
Gwen Stefani tweeted a Merry Christmas message to her followers and in it, she heaved up a video of human pair of truck nuts Blake Shelton disturbing the Botox by pecking at her face during what looks like a hunting trip. I watched it once and I’d rather watch a video of a 25-year-old cyst on an ass cheek getting popped in slow motion than watch this again.
Merry Christmas 🌲🙏🏻gx pic.twitter.com/n8ePUyLHpK
— Gwen Stefani (@gwenstefani) December 22, 2015
They’re both acting like they’ve never gotten dick or poon before. Although, I shouldn’t talk, because whenever I get dick, I have to call the emergency room and let them know that I will be coming in with a broken hip shortly, because I plan to do cartwheels down the street while screaming about how I got dick. But posting a video of you doing P-DOG (public displays of grossness) with your piece is a sign that you’ve got stage 8 dickmatization. I bet that if Gwen and Blake turned around, they’d find the bears, deer and squirrels of the forest looking at them like, “Get out of our house and get a room!”
And the 2015 She Don’t Love Herself award goes to….
Back in October, Kourtney Kardashian – the stale old fashioned plain donut of the Kardashian family – was seen getting her single mom party on at a club with humanoid blue raspberry Go-Gurt tube Justin Bieber. At the time, I assumed Justin was interviewing for an entry-level position in the Kardashian Khorporation as a babysitter for Kourtney’s kids (you know, so she can get out to the clubs more than twice a week). But according to Gossip Cop, it turns out the only entry-level position she was auditioning for was – you know what? I can’t even finish that joke because it’s making me too nauseous just thinking about it.
36-year-old Kourtney and 21-year-old Justin were seen leaving a club on Friday night and going to Justin’s room at the Montage in Beverly Hills, where she didn’t leave until 4am. A source who’s name I’m sure doesn’t rhyme with Piss Penner tells Gossip Cop that they have been “casually hooking up” since hanging out in October. Yes, as in more than once. Even Kourtney’s deadbeat douchebag baby daddy Scott Disick is probably reacting to this news like “Him? Really?” Well, that or he’s flattered that his ex is rebounding with the Micro Machines version of himself.
This situation is all kinds of NO, but on the bright side, Kourtney won’t have to plan much if Justin decides to sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve. She still has a few days to write a letter to Santa and ask if he could throw a couple extra Legos in his sack. You know, so Justin doesn’t get jealous of Kourtney’s kids on Christmas morning and pout in the corner.
Here’s Kourtney and Justin leaving The Nice Guy on Friday night. I have no idea why Kourtney is dressed like an extra from Dynasty, but whatever the reason, I’m really bummed she didn’t go all out and feather the shit out the front of her hair. Ugh, so lazy this one.
Ryan Gosling hardly ever says words about Eva Mendes, because he’s always get a “Privacy Please” sign on his mouth, but while promoting The Big Short during an interview with Hello! Canada, he blew a dozen air kisses at her. Ryan’s words about Eva are like extra hot daggers stuck in the hearts of all of the “shippers” who think that true love doesn’t exist until Ryan and Rachel McAdams get married and have ten million McGosling babies.
“I know that I’m with the person I’m supposed to be with,” he says, adding that the only quality he looks for in a woman is “that she’s Eva Mendes. There’s nothing else I’m looking for.”
And just like that, thousands of Ryan Gosling fangirls are going to legally change their name to “Eva Mendes” so they can have the one quality he’s looking for in a woman.
Ryan also talked about their one-year-old daughter Esmerelda a little. Ryan says that it’s only her second Christmas, but she’s already adopted the tradition of over-playing holiday music to death:
“This will be our first Christmas where [Esmeralda is] sort of taking it all in, so that’s exciting. She’s obsessed with the Hanson Christmas album! No disrespect to Hanson, they’re very talented kids, but I think I’ve heard that record enough. I’m sure it will be on a loop this Christmas as well.”
Ryan is better than me, because if I had a child and that child wanted me to play the Hanson Christmas album on a loop, I’d take that as a not-so-subtle sign that my kid hates me and lives to see me in pain. I’d sit my one-year-old baby down and say, “I was going to wait until you were 18 to have this talk with you, but since you’ve given me no other choice, I’m going to have to ask you to move out immediately. I’ll help you find a new place on Zillow.”