The whole “Mama June dating a convicted child molester” situation was already ten layers of barf wrapped in twenty layers of shit and dipped in pure awful, but it gets worse and I didn’t think that was possible. TMZ says that Mama June’s eldest daughter, 20-year-old Anna “Chickadee” Cardwell, wants people to know that she was the one who was molested by her mom’s alleged boyfriend Mark McDaniel. This is your cue to heave your way over to a video of a cat sleeping on a red bell pepper.
TLC dumped Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the trash bin today after they discovered information that proves that Mama June really is dating the piece of shit who spent 10 years in prison for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He got out of prison in March and Mama June has been seeing him ever since, allegedly. Mama June screamed “LIES!” and claimed she hasn’t seen him in 10 years, but TLC didn’t believe her after they found out she went shopping for a car for her child touching boyfriend.
TMZ says that at first, Anna believed her mom and thought it was just a made-up lie. But Anna started to get more and more information that made her believe that Mama June has been filling her ears with deep fried lies and has betrayed in the worst way by dating the trash who abused her. Anna is letting it be known that she’s the victim because she wants everyone to know that Mama June is fifty tons of pure evil.
Anna wants it known she’s the victim because it makes what her mom is doing all the more egregious. We’re told Anna feels her relationship with her mom has been destroyed, and the only way June can see her granddaughter is if McDaniel is nowhere to be seen.
Gawker says that Anna spent most of her life living with her memaw. Anna’s memaw raised her and she moved back in with Mama June to shoot the show. Anna gave birth to a girl on the show when she was 17 and earlier this year married a guy she was dating for 2 years.
I knew Mama June was trash, but I thought she was the good kind of trash. I will never ever trust scripted reality TV again!
Jesus, take the wheel, pick up Uncle Poodle, drive by June the Hutt’s lair of evil, throw Honey Boo Boo and her sisters in the car and drive far, far away. I mean, when you make Pimp Mama Kris and Kate Gosselin look like legitimate Mothers of the Year…
UPDATE: Anna tells Radar that her relationship with Mama June is pretty much dead.
“I believe she is seeing him and hanging around him. I’m hurt. I think me and Mama’s relationship may well be over.”
Radar also says Anna’s abuser didn’t go to prison for molesting her. That case was later dismissed. He went to prison for a different molestation case.
Here’s runny vom vom up my froat, because TMZ says that Mama June has really taken the bad decisions cake, gobbled it whole, threw it up and then ate it again by dating a convicted child molester who just get out of prison. Yeah, Mama June put Sugar Bear on the curb for flirting with some chicks he met on a dating site and has allegedly moved on to a child touching monster. Well, if scientists were wondering if eating massive amounts of sketti sauce and cheese balls rots the part of your brain that operates your sense of reason, they got their answer.
Here I was thinking that Mama June and Sugar Bear’s break up was just a good old fashioned scripted stunt for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it turns out that America’s First Family of Class really has broken into a million pieces and slipped down into the gutter. A source tells TMZ that Mama June’s new piece is Mark McDaniel, a 53-year-old piece of trash who was convicted of aggravated child molestation for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He was sent to prison for 10 years. Mama June dated him when he molested the girl and the girl is one of her relatives. Yeah, so this is just a Big Gulp of GROSS.
The source says that Mark McDaniel got out of prison in March and it didn’t take long for him and Mama June to hook up again. While Honey Boo Boo was shooting, Mama June allegedly snuck out of the house to spend time with her sex offender boo. TMZ has a picture of them snuggling in a hotel bed together if you really want to spend a few minutes of your day cleaning barf off of your screen after two waves of puke shot out of your eye sockets.
TLC told TMZ that Honey Boo Boo isn’t in production right now and “we are very concerned about this new information and are reassessing the future of the series.” Translation: “After learning this information, we have renewed Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for 5 more seasons, because rating$$$$!”
Mama June hasn’t farted up a statement about this yet, but a Dlisted reader sent me screen shots of her (or someone who has access to the Honey Boo Boo FB account) response (which she or someone else later deleted) in a thread on Facebook about this heave-inducing story. Mama June is allegedly screaming ‘SHOPPED and denies sleeping with the enemy:
Mama June has a history of humping on felons, so sadly this wouldn’t be that shocking if it was true. If it’s true, then Mama June doesn’t have to worry about the gnats nibbling the cheese on her Forklift Foot anymore, because even they will be so grossed out that they’d quit her for good. And TLC should probably change the name of the show to: RUN, HONEY BOO, RUUUUUN!
In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.
A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.
Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:
“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”
Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.
I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream:
Now that I look at that picture, dude does have that creepy “Good Christian father who hangs around his daughter’s slumber party in the basement all night” vibe about him.
Well, if you watched 7th Heaven as a kid, put on your black lace veil and mourn the beaten, tattered, shredded last piece of your childhood as it slips down the gutter. Because early this morning, TMZ threw up a recording of Stephen Collins, the pastor dad from 7th Heaven, telling his estranged wife (they’re in the middle of a long, nasty divorce) about the little girls he allegedly molested. TMZ says that in 2012, Stephen told his actress wife Faye Grant (aka Juliet from V) that he had abused several little girls. That gross confession led to Stephen and Faye going to therapy. Now, binge watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia will lead to you literally barfing in the toilet.
According to TMZ, the cloud hackers took a break from releasing more of Jennifer Lawrence’s stolen nipple pics this weekend to finally gave the people what they’ve been demanding for weeks now – PICS OF FAMOUS DICKS. Except they took our request a little too literally and leaked stolen pics of Hulk Hogan’s dickhead-looking son Nick Hogan. TMZ says the photos are pretty graphic (insert cat saying NO NO NO NO NO video here), including pictures of him from high school, Nick doing some No Holds Barred moves on a couple of ladies, pics of his dick, and several pictures of (WARNING GRAB A BARF BAG) his mom Linda Hogan wearing a thong and bending over.
But getting hacked could actually be bad news bears for Nick Hogan. TMZ says a couple of the stolen high school pics feature – you guessed it – underage high school girls, which means both he and the hackers are technically in possession of what is technically child porn. Ruh roh. Of course, Nick is a dummy and he’s half denying it. He isn’t denying that the underage high school girl pics are his – he claims he’s kept almost everything that was recorded or photographed from his life. But he says the dick pics aren’t pictures of his dick.
Obviously, the silver lining is that they didn’t release any dick pics of Hulk Hogan. My eyes don’t need to see The Hulkster’s HGH-jacked overcooked jerky-looking Lil’ Hulkamaniac or his silky bandana-wrapped butter yellow pubes.
Not funny, cloud hackers! Of all the penis pics that could have been released (Jon Hamm, Joe Manjello, Jon Hamm, Christopher Meloni, or, I dunno, JON HAMM) the cloud hackers decided to kick off The Fappening 4: The Tappening by releasing stolen iCloud dick pics of Hulk Hogan’s busted sperm. I feel like at any minute, a black and white hologram of Rod Serling is going to appear behind me saying: “The desperate Dorito-dust-covered creature seen before you is Allison, a woman who just realized that when it comes to dick pics, be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes the dick pics you get aren’t the dick pics you want.” Cue the Twilight Zone neener-neener music!
Mexico might (read: probably not) do what other countries should’ve done a long time ago: Throw Miley Cyrus in jail!
During a show in Monterrey, Mexico on Tuesday night (which was Mexican Independence Day), Miley put on a ridiculous fake ass (in her defense, it looks more natural than Kim Kartrashian’s ass) and as she twerked for the audience, one of her dancers spanked her with the Mexican flag. To quote my abuelita when she’s in the company of children, “COCHINA!” To also quote my abuelita when she’s not in the company of children, “Pinche pendeja!” The Mexican flag butt whipping starts at around the 2:20 mark in the video below and to those who have said that Miley needs a serious ass whoopin, I don’t think this is what you had in mind:
The Mexican government is serious about their flag, so they’re not happy about this. There’s a law in Mehico stating that any trick who disrespects their flag may be fined or jailed. (I may or may not typed that sentence while wearing an ass-less Mexican flag Speedo.) Reuters says that the Nuevo Leon state legislature is coming after Miley and wants to spank her fake ass with either jail time or a fine. The stage legislature approved a warrant for Interior Ministry to enforce the flag law on Miley. Miley or her people could be fined up to $1,200 or they could be jailed for 36 hours. In 2008, Paulina Rubio was fined after she posed with the Mexican flag over her naked body.
Screw the fine, jail that hillbilly piece of basuda! If you’re thinking to yourself that Miley’s dancer should face punishment since he’s the one who spanked her with the flag, then you need to blow the cum dust out of your contacts, because that’s not what I’m seeing. Miley is OBVIOUSLY “twerking” into that flag, so she’s the one who committed the crime (just go with it). At the very least, Mexican officials should unleash Mexican novella queen Soraya Montenegro on Miley. In this GIF the role of Soraya Montenegro will be played by Soraya Montenegro and the role of Miley will be played by that girl in the wheelchair (Side note: Soraya IS Kanye’s hero):
LAAAAAAAAAAAAARGATE de aqui, Miley!
Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!
A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.
“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”
I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.
E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:
“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”
If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…
Today, all of our thoughts about a topless Justin Bieber are best expressed through Lara Stone screaming, “don’t look down, DON’T look down,” on the inside.
The Kid Sister on HGH doll made an appearance at Fashion Rocks on CBS last night and when he sashayed out onto the stage to introduce a performance by Rita Whora with model Lara Stone, some people in the audience greeted his ass the way everyone should greet him: they slapped him down with a wave of BOOOOOOOOS. Most toddlers would bust out a silent cry before melting into a puddle of rejection if they were booed, but not the Biebs. The Biebs pulled off his blazer from Gymboree’s Miami Vice Collection and stripped down to his Calvins. Those are the weirdest diapers I’ve ever seen.
The good news for all of us is that the Biebs wore boxers briefs instead of tighty whities. I don’t think any of us were built to take in the image of Justin Bieber’s camel toe. Some people continued to throw boos at the Biebs, but some sucio bitches who should be arrested screamed and their loud screeches are still echoing through the Barclays Center this morning. Workers are cursing those nasty whores as they scrub the stickiness from the floor.
One time while waiting in line at McDonald’s (that is going to be the title of my memoirs, FYI), there was a lady a couple of people in front of me with three brats who were screaming at the top of their lungs and acting like hyenas on speed. They were running around and the mom was on the verge. The mom’s two boys started slapping each other and as she tried to break them up, her little girl started taking off all her clothes. The mom saw what was going down, screamed and covered her daughter with her body while running off to the bathroom. That’s what Lara Stone should’ve done. Lara should’ve screamed, covered Justin’s body and pulled him to the bathroom. But instead she just nervously giggled while waiting for Chris Hansen to show up.
The clip of this mess is below (click here for a clip where you can hear the boos more clearly):
Those grown man moans… I didn’t know Bryan Singer had such a deep voice!
Pics: Getty, Splash
I know, I hate myself too for posting this. If you put your ear up to it, you can hear Bruce Jenner’s high-pitched wail before it grabs onto your ear and pulls it off of your head. When it gets to its lair, it will spit your ear out, melt down the cartilage and inject that shit into Kim Kartrashian’s face.
Pimp Mama Kris’ kamel toe of destruction showed itself while leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood with Dean Cain yesterday. Isn’t Dean Cain supposed to be 90s Superman? Obviously, he was a fake the entire time, because if he was really Superman, he would be on the ground, screaming for mercy from being exposed to PMK’s kryptonite kamel toe. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run to the nearest church to burn my retinas on a saint candle. You do too? I’ll save you a spot.
Because it’s been approximately 10 minutes since V. Stiviano has gotten any attention and her fame whore spot needed scratching, she filed papers today claiming that she never boned the racist hemorrhoid known as Donald Sterling, because he loves dick and she was his beard. Donald Sterling’s wife Shelly Sterling is suing V. Stiviano, because she says her husband gave that trollop fancy gifts like cars and a house and he was not authorized to do so. The lawsuit has been going on for a while, but TMZ says that today V. Stiviano decided to add a dose of fuckery to it by giving all of us the image of Donald Sterling’s eyes twinkling with sheer happiness as he fills his mouth with man ass. My prostate just fell out of my ass and I better go run after it before it finds a way to open my front door.
Stiviano states … she was “not ever a sexual partner of Donald T. Sterling” and “believes that [Sterling] is a homosexual and enjoys sexual acts and or sexual congress with males.”
In the legal doc, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Stiviano says Shelly was “acutely aware of [Donald's] sexual orientation and condoned same as well as acknowledged and approved [Donald's] gifts of money [to Stiviano].”
Stiviano also says the gifts she received were NOT community property — but rather Donald’s separate property.
V. Stiviano has thrown her own lawsuit at the Sterlings for slandering her pristine name by saying that she embezzled money from Donald. She wants at least $10 million.
I don’t know if V. Stiviano is a genius or a complete moron with cold farts for brains. I mean, Donald Sterling had a beard wife AND a beard side piece? A beard wife wasn’t good enough and he wanted to show the world that he’s a super hetero so he got a beard mistress too. That racist sack of burnt foreskins invented double down bearding. John Travolta is getting an ideas.
V. Stiviano is about as trustworthy as a Lohan, but maybe she’s not totally spitting out lies to get attention. He has been accused of doing this:
Donald Sterling would bring women into the locker room after games, while the players were showering, and make comments such as, ‘Look at those beautiful black bodies.’
NOOOOO! NOOO! We don’t want him! You straights take him. We’ll trade him for ANYONE. We’ll take Larry King, okay?