I know, I hate myself too for posting this. If you put your ear up to it, you can hear Bruce Jenner’s high-pitched wail before it grabs onto your ear and pulls it off of your head. When it gets to its lair, it will spit your ear out, melt down the cartilage and inject that shit into Kim Kartrashian’s face.
Pimp Mama Kris’ kamel toe of destruction showed itself while leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood with Dean Cain yesterday. Isn’t Dean Cain supposed to be 90s Superman? Obviously, he was a fake the entire time, because if he was really Superman, he would be on the ground, screaming for mercy from being exposed to PMK’s kryptonite kamel toe. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run to the nearest church to burn my retinas on a saint candle. You do too? I’ll save you a spot.
Because it’s been approximately 10 minutes since V. Stiviano has gotten any attention and her fame whore spot needed scratching, she filed papers today claiming that she never boned the racist hemorrhoid known as Donald Sterling, because he loves dick and she was his beard. Donald Sterling’s wife Shelly Sterling is suing V. Stiviano, because she says her husband gave that trollop fancy gifts like cars and a house and he was not authorized to do so. The lawsuit has been going on for a while, but TMZ says that today V. Stiviano decided to add a dose of fuckery to it by giving all of us the image of Donald Sterling’s eyes twinkling with sheer happiness as he fills his mouth with man ass. My prostate just fell out of my ass and I better go run after it before it finds a way to open my front door.
Stiviano states … she was “not ever a sexual partner of Donald T. Sterling” and “believes that [Sterling] is a homosexual and enjoys sexual acts and or sexual congress with males.”
In the legal doc, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Stiviano says Shelly was “acutely aware of [Donald's] sexual orientation and condoned same as well as acknowledged and approved [Donald's] gifts of money [to Stiviano].”
Stiviano also says the gifts she received were NOT community property — but rather Donald’s separate property.
V. Stiviano has thrown her own lawsuit at the Sterlings for slandering her pristine name by saying that she embezzled money from Donald. She wants at least $10 million.
I don’t know if V. Stiviano is a genius or a complete moron with cold farts for brains. I mean, Donald Sterling had a beard wife AND a beard side piece? A beard wife wasn’t good enough and he wanted to show the world that he’s a super hetero so he got a beard mistress too. That racist sack of burnt foreskins invented double down bearding. John Travolta is getting an ideas.
V. Stiviano is about as trustworthy as a Lohan, but maybe she’s not totally spitting out lies to get attention. He has been accused of doing this:
Donald Sterling would bring women into the locker room after games, while the players were showering, and make comments such as, ‘Look at those beautiful black bodies.’
NOOOOO! NOOO! We don’t want him! You straights take him. We’ll trade him for ANYONE. We’ll take Larry King, okay?
Justin Bieber, the creature you’d get if scientists cross-polinated Kevin McCallister with his asshole older brother Buzz, decided he was done looking like the dirtiest dirtbag in the 7th grade and finally shaved off those disgusting 15 or so hairs that were living on his upper lip. Thank you, Justin Bieber! I no longer have to worry about opening up the internet and seeing pictures of that awful stomach-churning sun-bleached facial hair, which means I can finally stop working with a barf bag beside my computer. #blessed
Justin proved he’s the baddest ass on the playground by Instagramming a video of himself getting to use daddy’s shave cream and a totally-real grown-up razor (not the pretend one that came in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles play shave kit) to prove that, yeah, he’s a big boy who shaves his face now. “And guess what? Scooter Braun promised me that later this afternoon he’ll take me to Walgreens and I can pick out a deodorant. U jealous??”
I know Justin and his Joe Dirt Jr. facial hair had a special bond and all, but it really was time to let it go, especially since it doesn’t really fit in with Justin’s new high-class club manager lifestyle. Radar says Justin just rented a home in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t plan on ever moving in his Little Tikes sports car bed or any of his Transformers; he’s using it to get drunk and throw parties. The $29,000/month home has 10 bedrooms, pool, spa, gym, and a night club. The owner of the home tried to sell it, but when nobody bought it, they started renting it out for shows like American Idol and Playboy TV’s Swing (so you know it’s classy as shit).
Anyways, here’s a post-shave Justin Bieber looking like he’s auditioning for the role of Dani Campbell in a Lifetime biopic about Tila Tequila.
O.J. Simpson Is Obsessed With Kim Kardashian, Says He’s Going To Marry Her When He Gets Out Of Prison
“Terrific! Are you interested in the 3 month or 6 month marriage option? I’ll have Satan fax you over a Kardashian Kontract as soon as possible!” – Pimp Mama Kris.
According to Radar, O.J. Simpson (who sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt being choked by Leia in this picture, right?) has all the other dudes in prison writing letters to Kim Kardashian that start with the words: “Hooker, you in danger girl”, because he’s been saying some next-level creepy shit about his former defense attorney’s daughter. A prison insider (SNITCH!) claims that O.J. has wallpapered his cell with pictures from Kim’s 2007 Playboy spread, reads every magazine article about her that he can get his hands on, and demands silence every time Kim’s airbrushed Droopy Dog face appears on the television. But wait! It gets creepier!
“O.J. said he always thought she was a cute girl when she was younger,” the source said, “but it has only been since he’s been in prison his infatuation with her has grown to a full-blown obsession.”
Ew ew ew ew. Now is a good time to remind you that O.J. and his then-wife Nicole Brown-Simpson used to go on vacation with the Kardashian family all the time in the 80s and 90s, which means O.J. Simpson WAS that pervert friend of their dad (“Hey Kim, I bet you $20 you can’t touch your elbows behind your back!”). The source also goes on to say that O.J. thinks he’s got a chance with Kim, because bitch has a type:
Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush, who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.
And according to the source, it doesn’t matter that Kim is kurrently married to Kanye West; O.J. is eligible for parole in 2017 and he’s already fixin’ on becoming Husband #7 if he’s let out (I think it’s safe to assume that Kim will have been married another 4 times between now and 2017).
“As long as I am in prison, I can’t be with her, so Kanye can have her for now. But when I get out she’s mine.”
Damn, even Marky Mark in Fear is like “Take it easy Juice, you’re coming off a little crazy.” But the thing that’s making me crawl into the fetal position is that Pimp Mama Kris is probably back at Kastle Kardashian weighing out the pros and cons as we speak. “Pro: Publicity. Con: It’s O.J. Simpson. Pro: Attention. Con: Still O.J. Simpson. Hmmm…this is a tough one.”
And here’s the rotten road apple of O.J. Simpson’s eye in the Hamptons having lunch with Khloe Kardashian (who almost flashed us her Wookiee pouch) and the come-to-life Salacious B. Crumb Jonathan Cheban.
I know, I didn’t use the word “ALLEGEDLY” enough in that headline.
A 36-year-old man named James Safechuck has filed a lawsuit against Michael Jackson’s estate claiming that Michael Jackson child touched him and raped him for 4 years starting when he was just 10 years old. This is the point in the post when you can scream “NOPE!” and run off to watch a video of a puppy sleep-eating instead. You’ve been warned. James Safechuck gets really detailed in his lawsuit and of course, TMZ has the details. He claims that in 1988, he traveled from the US to Paris with Michael Jackson during the “Bad” tour and that’s when the abuse started. MJ would allegedly give James Safechuck (more like James NotSoSafeChuck, sadly) pink wine and make him watch child porn. MJ allegedly used secret codes to describe his dick and jizz and used secrets signals to let James know when he wanted “to have sex.” TMZ has the details that will make you wish you could screw off the top of your skull, pull out your brain and scrub it down with boiled water and Ajax.
Safechuck says Michael taught him to use code words … referring to his erection as “bright light, brick city” … and calling semen, “duck butter.”
Safechuck claims Jackson also used secret signals — when they would hold hands, Michael would scratch the inside of James’ hand with a finger … to show he wanted to have sex.
DUCK BUTTER?! I once went to this restaurant in Oregon somewhere, I want to say Ashland, and when they served bread to the table, they also brought out a duck sculpture made out of butter. I wish I could remember the name of the restaurant, because I want to make sure I never EVER go there again. I really don’t want to think about Michael Jackson’s pedo cum while buttering my warm roll. And yes, I saw what I did there and I don’t like it either. »
“LOL, remember when people still cared about you?” – Kim Kardashian
“You mean when you were still just a barnacle on my ass?” – Paris Hilton
Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse than seeing a picture of horny pimp grandma Kris Jenner snuggled up to a butch-looking P.J. Sparkles doll, her dumb hooker daughter goes ahead and Instagramming a picture of her joyful reunion with wonky-eyed DJ and former somebody Paris Hilton. Reuuuunited and it feels like craaaaabs.
Kim and Paris used to be close friends back in the day (aka they sucked the same dicks and shared a prescription of Valtrex) but then Kim started getting more popular (aka sucking more dicks) and Wonky got jealous and started saying mean shit about Kim, like the now-famous quote about her ass looking like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese. But it looks like Paris and Kim decided to bury the cum-covered hatchet at Riccardo Tisci’s birthday party in Ibiza. While Kanye West was preparing to pop out of a giant cake and sing a sexy rendition of “Happy Birthday” to his boo, Kim was uploading a picture of her and her former BFF giggling like two stupid spoiled whores as they tried to remember all the random dicks they fucked for coke (Paris) and money (Kim) the last time they terrorized Ibiza:
“Reminiscing about the 1st time we went to Ibiza in 2006! @parishilton it was so good to see you & catch up!! Loves it lol”
It looks like Paris Hilton would rather get pissed on by Ray J than spend another second listening to Kim’s drowsy monotone mouth sounds, but she can’t get up to leave because sitting with The Rubber-Faced Goblin Slut means she gets an extra :30 seconds on her already long-expired 15 minutes. SUCH a Katch-22. And speaking of catching, pray for the people of Ibiza, who all caught a case of the dreaded Hoe-bola virus after these two skanky hoes came in contact with each other. Officials in Spain have warned citizens that if their breath smells like rotten jizz to get to a hospital immediately.
Here’s more of everyone’s favourite cheap-looking filler-faced porn star returning home from Ibiza with her pimp and her future third ex-husband. What in the name of Neverland Ranch hell is Kris wearing??? She looks like a third-rate Michael Jackson from a Kansas City touring production of Legends in Concert.
I should’ve warned you in the headline to protect your monitor with Saran Wrap before lowering your innocent eyeballs to that picture, because most of your screen is probably covered with bile. Although, your bile is a lot more attractive than that picture of Satan’s proudest creations. Seen above looking like Hell’s answer to Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, the ball of crusted milk stuck in humanity’s nipple slit known as Justin Bieber and Pimp Mama Kris joined unholy forces to take this picture at the birthday part of Kanye West’s boo Riccardo Tisci in Ibiza last night. The Biebs really wanted to push your hangover over the edge and into a pool of boiling barf by adding the note: “@kendalljenner @kyliejenner who’s your daddy.” The thought of the Biebs creating a dusty cloud of death dust by humping on PMK is enough to make your brain melt and drip out of your ears, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Because PMK’s succubus snatch would swallow that bitch whole and after the dark orb in her body sucked out all of his youth and fame, she’d spit him out of her asshole and he’d be nothing but a wrinkled shell of a human (like Bruce Jenner, basically).
Ibiza became Hell on EARTH last night when PMK, the Biebs, Kim Kartrashian, Kanye West and Kendull Jenner all gathered together for Riccardo Tisci’s birthday. If you’re like me and wondering where Orlando Bloom’s flying fist was when we needed it most, apparently, Justin Bieber is the King Joffrey of Ibiza, because he got that ho banned from Riccardo’s party. Page Six says that Orlando Bloom tried to get in, but Justin Bieber whined to the party’s “organizers” and told them to block that ho. The Biebs probably threatened to cry if the organizers let that big, bad Orlando in and the organizers did what he said, because nobody likes a crying baby.
And after the party, Kim Instagramm’d this picture of her terrifying Billy the Puppet whore face in front of a sleeping Gay Fish with the note: “Side chicks be like….”
We’ve all given Kim shit for her crappy Photoshop skills, but she’s obviously gotten a lot better. I mean, she completely erased a naked Riccardo Tisci from Kanye’s side and you can’t even tell. That looks like the original picture. Good job, Kummy Cakes!
I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.
Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!” Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:
“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.
“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”
Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.
Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.
Courtney Stodden just threw herself onto a pile of dirty thongs and began weeping coagulated silicone tears into a ratty clump of $2 hair extensions, because she’s no longer the craziest gold-digging star-fucking jail bait fame whore on the block anymore. RIP, Porn Iguana; we hardly knew ye.
So just who is this daddy issues-having ho who has snatched away Courtney Stodden’s crown? According to Us Weekly, 57-year-old Ray Donovan actor (or Manny from Scarface, whichever brings up less of a “??????” for you) Steven Bauer attempted to out-creepy Woody Allen by showing up to the premiere of Magic in the Moonlight with his 18-year-old girlfriend Lyda Loudon. According to her Twitter bio, Lyda is a “part-time nightmare-inspirer, journalist, host of Sarcasm Overdose, ceo, actress, unsalvageable degenerate film/music/cigar/espresso addict” aka she’s unemployed. But Lyda is not just a barely-legal J-list star fucker (yes she is, but go on); she also founded Tea Party Youth and the L3 Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “educate millennials with the tools it will take to turn America’s future around”.
Of course, it gets better (it always gets better). Lyda’s parents are former Missouri Republican senator John Loudon and Tea Party founder and author “Dr. Gina“ (she sounds like a no-nonsense discount gynecologist). Meanwhile, Steven used to be married to Melanie Griffith, and they have a 28-year-old son together. You know your girlfriend is too damn young if she can’t remember Melanie before the Antonio tattoo. Hell, your girlfriend is too young if her age is anything that ends in “-teen“!
No other information is known, like where they met or just how much Steven had to pay Chris Hansen to keep him from pulling the Dateline van up to his house, but one thing is for sure: they picked the right place to announce they were a couple. Nothing says “I’m in a not-right Pedobear-approved relationship with a teenage girl almost 40 years younger than me” like the red carpet premiere of a Woody Allen movie.
And if your name is Courtney Stodden, here are some pictures of Lyda that you may print out and pin to your dart board to angrily whip your stripper heels at later. For the rest of us, take a good look: this is Lyda before. It’s only a matter of time before she goes full-Hollywood Fame Humper and fills her face and tits with cheap silicone.
If you’ve ever wanted to see a lion cake make a “¿por qué yo” face, throw a JLo cake on top of it. That lion cake hates its cake life and can’t wait for someone to put it out of its misery by eating it.
At the 45th birthday party that JLo threw for herself at a restaurant in Southampton, NY last night, some of her guests said to themselves, “Oh God, I hope the ass part isn’t filled with chocolate fudge,” when the awkward and hilarious cake of JLo the Leo sprawled out on a lion came out. The crown jewel of the Cake Wrecks crown has been found! I know that’s supposed to be JLo, but it looks more like a Filipino boy in drag as a young Imelda Marcos. What I’m saying is that Casper Smart really wants to fuck that cake.
The best part of this messy cake is that it looks like JLo’s thighs and ass are three times the size of her torso and head. That cake might be telling the future, because if JLo’s ass keeps growing, it’ll eat her torso and head and she’ll be nothing but a gigantic butt with legs.
That cake definitely tests my love for cake. But yeah, I’d eat it. I’d eat JLo’s cakes. But then again, if you covered a CROC in frosting, I’d probably eat that too.
IMPORTANT CAKE UPDATE: The pictures that Fat Joe Instagramm’d were taken after the cake, which was created by cake artiste SamiCakes Boutique, had been sitting out for a while and melted. Here’s a picture of JLo’s cake in all its glory: