Last Wednesday, former Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against Fox News chairman and humanoid slug Roger Ailes. Gretchen claimed, among other things, that she was fired after she refused to have sex with Roger. As it turns out, Gretchen isn’t the only one to accuse Roger of creep behavior. According to New York Magazine, six more women have come forward and accused Roger of working his gross old man game on them.
How’s your day going? Good? Good. I’m glad. Mine? I’ve just spent 10 minutes looking up past stories that involve the baddest little tyke from up north being that toddler at the party that just has to pull down his pants. And now that will be part of your day too. If I have to suffer this, so will you.
Just the sight of Woody Allen’s beady little creeper eyes and general aura of grossness would probably be enough to make some people think “Yeah, I don’t know if I want to spend several months on a film set with that guy.” But some actors are able to ignore all that and line up to work with him like he’s the best sample station at Costco. And some take it one step further by gushing about how brilliant and amazing a person he is. Blake Lively is in the second group.
Blake’s public love of Woody started at Cannes while promoting their film Cafe Society. Blake defended her boo’s honor after a journalist reminded everyone of Woody Allen’s history of alleged perv by making a Roman Polanski joke during an interview. Now she’s swooning over Woody in Hamptons magazine. Blake poured herself a tall glass of grandma’s sweet tea and retired to her favorite antique wicker rocker on the front porch to reminisce about working with her dear ol’ friend Woody.
“It’s really cool to work with a director who’s done so much, because he knows exactly what he wants…He also is really encouraging as to why he cast you, so he’ll say, ‘Say the dialogue that’s written and then you can improvise for a while.’ And his dialogue is so specific, so it’s intimidating to think, Oh, let me just improvise there and hope that my words blend seamlessly alongside Woody Allen’s. Which they clearly wouldn’t and don’t. But he’s very empowering.”
I don’t mean to pull an Inigo Montoya, but I’m not sure Blake Lively knows what the word “empowering” means. So, Woody is empowering because he let her improvise? Maybe Blake thinks that’s empowering because all the directors she’s worked with before wouldn’t let her go off-script. Not because they were afraid she’d say something offensive, but rather because it would be too risky to let her say words that hadn’t been de-mumbled by her vocal coach first. “Sorry Blake, can we try that again? All I got was something about a motorcycle sandwich.”
Here’s Blake airbrushed to hell and back for Hamptons magazine. I’m not sure what the theme for this photoshoot was, but these all look like outtakes from an ad campaign for a perfume called Unscented.
Pics: Splash, Hamptons magazine
Woody Allen gave a new interview to The Hollywood Reporter to promote his new movie Cafe Society and his show for Amazon, so you know what that means. You better call up the paramedics to tell them to stop by in about 10 minutes and to warm up the defibrillator pads, because your brains are probably going to turn off over the creepy dingles that spilled out of Woody’s mouth and they’re going to need to be jumpstarted.
Toby Turtle’s creepy uncle talked about how he doesn’t use a computer at all (“I should’ve thought of that.” – Subway Jared), has never emailed anyone and cast Miley Cyrus in his series for Amazon after watching her in Hannah Montana. Woody Allen watching Hannah Montana is not the visual my already-damaged mind needed today. Stephen Galloway of THR asked 80-year-old Woody how his 45-year-old wife of over 18 years, Soon-Yi Previn, has changed him. No, Woody didn’t say, “Well, I can usually make it to the potty throughout the day, but she usually has to change my nappy in the morning. And she does a great job.”
It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.
Hide Yo Daughters! Hide Yo Wives! You Know What… Everybody Should Just Hide, Because Josh Duggar Is Out Of Rehab
And now you’re probably out of a monitor, because you broke yours after punching that picture of Josh Duggar’s “th-th-th-that’s all folks” face. It’s natural. We were all born with that instinct.
Around six months ago, the punchable potato Josh Duggar was sent to a Christian labor camp masquerading as a “treatment center” after he was caught trolling for side poon on Ashley Madison. Josh went there to cure himself of his sinful sinful addiction to loving porn and fucking. That was all just Duggar code for, “We need Joshie to go away for a while until everyone forgets that silly child touching and cheating stuff, so that TLC will give us our show back.” TLC pretty much gave them their show back, so now the factory-defected Mr. Potato Head doll can come out and pretend like his peen is cured from wanting to dive into cooch that isn’t attached to his wife.
Both Entertainment Tonight and People say that Josh Duggar has checked out of the bible-based rehab facility he was in for months. ET says that he left a few days ago and his “whereabouts are unknown.” Well, he’s either showing that praying away his desire to have sex for other than baby-making reasons worked and he’s screwing a pile of hookers in the room of a Comfort Inn somewhere, or he’s rehearsing the post-rehab interview he’s going to do with Megyn Kelly for Fox News. I’m going with the latter.
Of course, Josh’s wife Anna Duggar, who may be knocked up with their 5th child, has forgiven him and will take him back, because she’s been brainwashed into being Michelle Duggar 2.0. Which is why it’s going to be hard watching that inevitable Fox News interview. Anna is most likely going to silently sit there, blinking at Josh like a Furby on caffeine pills as he says that the power of God cured him of his dick’s need to wander….while he punches at his crotch because his dick keeps wanting to wander over to Megyn Kelly.