Woody Allen gave a new interview to The Hollywood Reporter to promote his new movie Cafe Society and his show for Amazon, so you know what that means. You better call up the paramedics to tell them to stop by in about 10 minutes and to warm up the defibrillator pads, because your brains are probably going to turn off over the creepy dingles that spilled out of Woody’s mouth and they’re going to need to be jumpstarted.
Toby Turtle’s creepy uncle talked about how he doesn’t use a computer at all (“I should’ve thought of that.” – Subway Jared), has never emailed anyone and cast Miley Cyrus in his series for Amazon after watching her in Hannah Montana. Woody Allen watching Hannah Montana is not the visual my already-damaged mind needed today. Stephen Galloway of THR asked 80-year-old Woody how his 45-year-old wife of over 18 years, Soon-Yi Previn, has changed him. No, Woody didn’t say, “Well, I can usually make it to the potty throughout the day, but she usually has to change my nappy in the morning. And she does a great job.”
It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.
Hide Yo Daughters! Hide Yo Wives! You Know What… Everybody Should Just Hide, Because Josh Duggar Is Out Of Rehab
And now you’re probably out of a monitor, because you broke yours after punching that picture of Josh Duggar’s “th-th-th-that’s all folks” face. It’s natural. We were all born with that instinct.
Around six months ago, the punchable potato Josh Duggar was sent to a Christian labor camp masquerading as a “treatment center” after he was caught trolling for side poon on Ashley Madison. Josh went there to cure himself of his sinful sinful addiction to loving porn and fucking. That was all just Duggar code for, “We need Joshie to go away for a while until everyone forgets that silly child touching and cheating stuff, so that TLC will give us our show back.” TLC pretty much gave them their show back, so now the factory-defected Mr. Potato Head doll can come out and pretend like his peen is cured from wanting to dive into cooch that isn’t attached to his wife.
Both Entertainment Tonight and People say that Josh Duggar has checked out of the bible-based rehab facility he was in for months. ET says that he left a few days ago and his “whereabouts are unknown.” Well, he’s either showing that praying away his desire to have sex for other than baby-making reasons worked and he’s screwing a pile of hookers in the room of a Comfort Inn somewhere, or he’s rehearsing the post-rehab interview he’s going to do with Megyn Kelly for Fox News. I’m going with the latter.
Of course, Josh’s wife Anna Duggar, who may be knocked up with their 5th child, has forgiven him and will take him back, because she’s been brainwashed into being Michelle Duggar 2.0. Which is why it’s going to be hard watching that inevitable Fox News interview. Anna is most likely going to silently sit there, blinking at Josh like a Furby on caffeine pills as he says that the power of God cured him of his dick’s need to wander….while he punches at his crotch because his dick keeps wanting to wander over to Megyn Kelly.
As if you couldn’t tell from those “See you in your nightmares, honey” eyes (while everyone else’s eyes appear to be searching for the set snack table), Jared Leto went ultra-super-turbo method to play The Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie. Jared Leto must have read something in The Joker’s origin story about his character being obsessed with Oprah’s Favorite Things day, because Jared’s Joker committed hard to giving out gifts to everyone. Like the bullets he sent to Will Smith a bunch of bullets, or the live rat he sent to Margot Robbie.
Viola Davis, who plays the government official who puts together Team Hot Topic, was also lucky enough to get such a gift from The Joker. Except as she recently explained to Vanity Fair, hers arrived dead and delivered by some weirdo in a costume.
“The Joker – he did some bad things, Jared Leto did. He gave some really horrific gifts. He had a henchman who’d come into the rehearsal room, and the henchman came in with a dead pig, and plopped it on the table. And then he walked out. And that was our introduction into Jared Leto.”
To be fair to Jared, Viola doesn’t say what kind of dead pig she was given. Maybe it was a $4000 leg of aged jamón ibérico from Spain? Yeah, that’s it. That’s totally it. And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself so that I don’t picture poor little Babe staring up at Viola Davis, like “Why me? What did I do to get involved in such nonsense?”
I know Jared Leto really wanted to come across as legit crazy, but rats and dead pigs are way too obvious. If you really want to play mind games, you need to go way more ordinary. Like sending someone a receipt for a pair of socks or a Valentine’s Day card when it’s not Valentine’s Day. “‘I’m nuts about you’? Why is there a picture of a squirrel dressed like cupid? It’s August. What the fuck does it all mean???”
Pic: Pacific Coast News
This mess of a story is coming from Life & Style (via Radar), so it should be taken with an entire Morton Salt factory, but then again, this is the Duggars we’re talking about and we all know that when all else fails, they shoot out another baby.
According to sources, Josh Duggar and his wife Anna Duggar bareback boned their way to a baby while he’s in a Christian rehab facility for his supposed addiction to boning. Anybody with a working brain is probably wondering what kind of rehab facility lets you get into the addiction you’re being treated for? Well, maybe the counselors let Josh and Anna hump on each other for the benefit of the other fuck addicts in there. I mean, hearing Josh Duggar’s fuck moans would shrivel up anybody’s genitals and keep them off of ass forever.
The source says that Anna and Josh’s Christian rehab fuck party led to her getting knocked up with their 5th child. Anna is supposedly telling everyone that the Band-Aid baby in her womb is God’s way of telling her that she should stay with the child-touching rotten gourd.
“Anna announced that she thinks she is pregnant again. She believes the baby is a sign that God has forgiven Josh for his many sins, and she’s vowed to stand by her husband.”
Um, I have a feeling that if God was going to send Anna Duggar a sign, that sign would look like this:
I’m sure that if it’s true, that child will feel so special when they learn that their brainwashed mother and their dried smegma ball of a father made them in the rehab facility where their dad was banished to after he had rough sex with porn stars. And I won’t believe this until I get a sign from the fame whore Gods and what I mean by that is I won’t believe it until I see a commercial for TLC’s new show 1 Band-Aid Baby And Counting starring Anna Duggar.
No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodie‘ Lindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.
It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.
Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.
“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”
Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.
But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.
It turns out there’s one person who isn’t cursing out Sean Penn’s name today. While El Chapo is cursing out his name for accidentally leading Mexican police to his hidey-hole, and the editors at Rolling Stone are cursing him out for his War and Peace-length interview with El Chapo they had to edit, and everyone who read that Rolling Stone interview is cursing him out for the migraine they got after reading that mess, his first ex-wife Madonna was admitting that she still loves him.
Back in October, there were whispers that Cool Mom and Angry Dad were humping on each other again, but I didn’t want to believe it, because nobody is that dickmatized, right? Then we sort of got proof that something was up last night, when Sean showed up to a fundraising event for Haiti with his ex-wife and her kids. And then we knew something was really up when Madonna got on stage and said the L word a bunch of times.
— DrownedMadonna.com (@DrownedMadonna) January 10, 2016
It used to be that seeing the names “Sean Penn” and “Madonna” in the same sentence meant that the story about Sean Penn allegedly getting violent with Madonna at her house had popped up again, which is more than enough reason to want to take Madonna aside and ask “Really? Him? Again?“. But Madonna recently denied that ever happened.
Still, it’s insane to me to think that Madonna is actually willing to take an extended break from banging a regular rotation of nameless 20-year-old dancers. You know you are truly next-level dickmatized when you can look into the face of current-day Sean Penn and your coochie hollers “Clear your schedule and grab some lube – we’re gonna ride that wrinkled walnut ’till the wheels fall off!”
Here’s more of Madonna and Sean Penn and two of Madonna’s kids at Sean’s fundraiser for Haiti last night.
BREAKING: There’s another human alive who actually pressed their naked body against the slimy dumpster reptile skin on Tyga. What a world.
Tyga somehow found time in between creeping on a 14-year-old and trying to get kamera time on KUWTK to hump on a 23-year-old Brazilian Instagram model. A source tells UsWeekly that Tyga met Annalu Cardoso on a video shoot and she was later on his MTV2 show Kingin’ with Tyga. The real story here is that someone at MTV2 was brain dead enough to give Tyga a show. The shell-less PedoTurtle and Annalu apparently texted back and forth before hooking up. The source says that Tyga would get with Annalu whenever Kylie Jenner was out of the country, but he didn’t always try to keep it on the down low. Sometimes he’d bring Annalu around his friends. via UsWeekly
“He would text her and ask how she was doing, casual conversation. Then he started asking her to send pics and to meet up,” a second insider tells Us. “They hooked up a couple of times, but for the most part they would just hang out.”
The second source claims that Tyga also introduced Cardoso to some of his friends. “She and Tyga wouldn’t be extremely affectionate in front of them, but she could tell his friends all knew that they were something,” the source says. “If someone else was sitting next to Tyga, they’d move so she could sit next to him.”
The source claims that the constipated slug eventually got more and more scared of their affair getting out and his barely legal sugar mama cutting off his allowance, so he ended things with Annalu. He apparently still tries to get with Annalu from time to time but she’s not having it.
This “story” is really hard to believe for two reasons: 1) I refuse to believe that there’s actually another living and breathing person on this planet willing to fuck Tyga. 2) Annalu Cardoso is 23 years old. That’s practically granny territory to Tyga.
Yesterday, a 14-year-old girl named Molly O’Malia held a press conference with her lawyer, the queen of press conferences Gloria Allred, to tell her side of the story that OK! magazine ran about her and 26-year-old Tyga. OK! wet farted up a tale about how Tyga texted with Molly after finding her on Instagram. OK! claimed that Tyga and Molly flirted back and forth. But during her press conference yesterday, Molly said that she never went there and thought Tyga was contacting her about her music. According to Molly, Tyga kept trying to FaceTime with her and that made her feel uncomfortable. Well, Tyga’s manager took his ass to TMZ to let everyone know that Tyga isn’t a creepy turtle-faced pedo who was trying to get with a 14-year-old girl. He’s a professional record label mogul who was only interested in her musical talent. It’s way too early in the year to have this much bullshit splattered onto my eyes.
Tyga’s manager Anthony Martini claims that the junkyard salamander and his “team” (Side note: Let me guess, his “team” is made up of PedoBear, Subway Jared, R. Kelly and Woody Allen…) contacted Molly because they noticed that her music got a lot of attention on social media. Since every trick in the land has a record label, Tyga has a record label called Last Kings Records and his people were interested in maybe signing Molly. Anthony claims that the texts between Molly and Tyga were strictly professional and never got “uncomfortable.” Tyga wanted to FaceTime with Molly but only because he wanted to talk business face to face and wanted her to sing for him and his producers.
TMZ says that Molly claimed she was 17 in the texts. THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Oh, the old, “I can help you with your career, I can make you a STAH,” trick. Bill Cosby’s lawyers are probably having a busy morning, because they’re filing a copyright infringement lawsuit against Tyga for stealing their client’s act. But let’s say there’s a milliounce in hell that Tyga wanted to FaceTime with Molly for professional reasons only, that’s still an act of child abuse. No child should have to FaceTime with that creeper face.
Last month, OK! ran a cover story claiming that 18-year-old Kylie Jenner dumped 26-year-old Tyga for a minute after she caught him texting with a 14-year-old girl he met on Instagram. The 14-year-old girl named Molly and her lawyer, THEE GLORIA ALLRED, held a press conference today to set shit straight and tell her side of what happened between her and the malnourished tattooed slug weasel.
OK! pixelated Molly’s face on their cover and they never named her, but she says that the kids at school still figured out that it’s her and wrecks on social media have been harassing her. OK!’s story should be read in a boiling bleach bath, because they claim that Molly was “excited” about Tyga flirting with her. Molly said in the press conference today that OK! printed lies. She says that Tyga found her on Instagram and she talked to him because she thought he was contacting about her music.