A few days ago it was reported that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, clearly all horny from the sexual tension that comes from playing Mary and Jesus, had hooked up while shooting Mary Magdalene together. A source claimed Rooney bailed on the Golden Globes because she was holed up in the desert with Joaquin. As it turns out, that source wasn’t being too subtle when they said Rooney and Joaquin were “holed up.” Page Six claims that one of the things they’ve been doing in the desert has been pouring juice into one hole and flushing it out through another.
A source says that Rooney and Joaquin have already entered the stage of their relationship that includes couples colonics. It’s just like what that old man from the eHarmony ads is always saying: the couple that gets their ass cavities professionally blasted with lukewarm water together, stays together. Rooney and Joaquin are reportedly spending time at the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA. It all sounds incredibly romantic.
“They are there continuing to ‘find love,’ but also some health, as he is doing his annual pilgrimage to the spa. Joaquin and his lady love are down for some R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics…good times!”
Who knew that juice and colonics was an annual thing for Joaquin? I wonder if the spa ever tries to sell him on any other amenities. “You know, Mr. Phoenix, we also offer a colonic for your whole body. It’s called a shower. Just the colonic today? Okay.”
No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
Many weird and gross things have happened on airplanes and Kumail Nanjiani (aka Dinesh from Silicon Valley) recently experienced peak-airplane awkwardness. And he later tweeted about it.
I mean, remember this:
And that was all the way back in 2006! So to quote the flambéed Ghoulie, “You, as in us, were Time’s Person of the Year when Time was highly relevant and at the top of its game. And now Jabba the Trump is getting our sloppy seconds. SAD!”
I really wish the “not-right” part of this story was that nobody wanted to take home that amazing flower-trimmed fedora after they wrapped filming, but it’s actually a whole lot more dark than that.
Those tapes of Donald Trump spewing out verbal snot while on the set of Celebrity Apprentice may never touch the ears of the public, but that isn’t stopping staffers from anonymously spilling shit out to the media. Several employees of the Celebrity Apprentice claim that the flambéed glob of dick curd regularly made fun of Marlee Matlin for being deaf and even dared to shit talk about one of Pimp Mama Kris’ kin.