Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
If it was up to Ben Stein, he’d be the host of Win Ben Stein’s Peeny, because he is a proud horny motherfucker who is like a teenager on Viagra and still gets “mad crushes” on beautiful ladies. In a rambling, weird column for The American Spectator, which came out last month, Ben Stein writes that his craving for beautiful ladies has led him to some gold digging situations. Shocking, I know. The 69-year-old married pepaw wrote about a woman he called “Lucia” who hit him up for cash. Ben says that he met Lucia at San Francisco International Airport and after talking for a few minutes, they exchanged numbers. They texted each other for months. Ben described Lucia as being a gorgeous “Eurasian” writer who used to work as a pussy peddler. One day, Lucia told him she got knocked up and wasn’t with the father of her unborn child anymore. Lucia asked Ben for cash and Ben, being super pro-life, gave it to her. But after Ben’s column came out, Lucia (real name: Tanya Ma) ran her ass off to Page Six and said that Ben Stein isn’t the giving Captain Save-A-Ho he makes himself out to be. Ben is a creepy predator who wanted to hug and kiss on her pregnant body.
Tanya tells Page Six that she’s only coming out with her side of the story and sharing texts Ben wrote her, because she’s a vigilante for justice and wants all of womankind to know about his sleazy ways.
Tanya Ma, a 24-year-old pregnant performance artist, said she contacted Page Six to tell her story because she doesn’t “want him to continue to do this to women.”
“It’s much more than sexting, cyber-escorting or being a sugar daddy — it’s unhealthy and toxic behavior that needs to be exposed.”
Tanya says that when she met Ben Stein, she thought he was interested in her as a writer, but after texting for four months, he started asking her for “racy” pictures. Tanya sent him some pictures, but he kept asking for more and more. That didn’t seem to bother Tanya too much, because she never blocked his number and she even agreed to meet him at a hotel near his house in L.A. Tanya says that Ben’s wife knew about everything and didn’t care. Tanya eventually called off their date in the hotel room when Ben told her he wanted to hug AND kiss her. Tanya was totally okay with Ben touching her baby dome, but kisses were off the table.
But “the day before I was supposed to meet him, he texted me” about wanting to touch and kiss, she said.
Ma said the ex-Comedy Central star wrote, “When you get here i want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don’t want to fuck me. But i want to touch you and kiss you.”
“I knew he had developed a crush on me, but it just started to get weird,” said a grossed-out Ma, who is 18 weeks pregnant by a former beau.
Growing “horribly uncomfortable” with his antics, Ma said, she texted back: “Ben, you may hug me and feel my baby bump, but anything more is too much for me. I’m not your girlfriend. Can’t we simply enjoy a conversation and meal? I’m pregnant.”
That dialogue sounds like the start of the worst and most uncomfortable pregnant porn ever. The texts that Tanya gave Page Six and the rest of this mess of a story are after the cut. Ben Stein better pay for the hypnosis sessions I’ll need to cleanse my brain of the image of him getting moist in the tip while telling Tanya that he wants to touch her baby bump.
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
”Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
Because Farrah Abraham is an entrepreneurial genius who knows that most people said to themselves, “Hmmm, I could really go for some creamy yogurt right now,” while watching her squirt in her porn, she’s opening up a frozen yogurt place in Austin, TX this October. Backdoor Farrah calls Froco Fresh Frozen a “brand new concept” and since she has dingles for brains, a “brand new concept” to her is a place that sells frozen yogurt and other frozen foods. Froco’s mascot is a terrifying “popping boba” named Coba and Backdoor Farrah probably got the idea for it while watching a string of anal beads go in and out of her b-hole. That’s how Coba the Anal Bead was born!
Backdoor Farrah tells Starcasm that she came up with the concept of Froco (she should’ve called it “Stinkberry“) all by herself. Froco will sell fresh and frozen cuisines in a family atmosphere. Farrah really is a culinary mastermind, because I’ve never heard of a place that sells both fresh AND frozen foods. I’ve never heard of something called a fucking grocery store. The about section of Froco’s website (which I’ll get into in a second) obviously came from the shit-filled mind of Farrah, because it is equal parts frozen delusion and nonsense, and it reads like it was written by a dried ball of poop cum:
The founder of Froco, was set to open a restaurant concept when the now first location and property of Froco was available. Instead of going with the first planned restaurant concept the founder had a better feeling about Froco. There was a lot to be completed with an unplanned great concept, so the founder of Froco thought about the possibilities to buy into another franchise of the similar sort but then realizing after being excepted to the other growing franchises of the similar sort that their values, their brands weren’t as great as what the founder could live up too. So with passion and positivity the founder wanted feedback on her Froco idea. After asking others in salons, playgrounds, stores, and just everywhere the founder was set on Froco and the mascot being Coba the popping boba! …
The founder felt strongly compelled to include Greek yogurt in to as many of the food products at Froco as possible which are found in certain flavors of frozen yogurt and all the freshly made to go food items. The founder after moving to Texas at the age of 22 right before the creation of Froco was told by her doctor to better her health with plain Greek yogurt. Being the foodie that the founder is, the founder put Greek yogurt in everything – sandwiches, pastas, salads, wraps, sushi, desserts and the founder was happy to taste better enhancement of flavors with the Greek yogurt in all the food options. The founder found the balance of taste, health, and quality and wanted to bring this to everyone’s lifestyle all year round. …
The founder Farrah Abraham is recognized nationally for her success in entertainment as well being a wonderful mother to her daughter Sophia who at age 5 has helped every step of the way in creating a lovable, positive, passionate and educational mascot for Froco, “Coba” The popping boba, who you may put on your frozen yogurt and feel a pop of passion and positivity every time you visit Froco.
You know, Backdoor Farrah opening up a gourmet emporium that sells yogurt and bubble tea makes sense. I mean, Greek yogurt is a yeast infection remedy (you know that’s why her doctor told her about it) and boba pearls can be used as disintegrating anal beads.
And as for the website (via Uproxx), this morning, a hacker doing God’s work hacked it and on the front page they put a GIF of James Deen backdooring Farrah. Here’s the censored version co-starring Coba the Anal Bead:
Maybe the site wasn’t hacked. Maybe Farrah’s just showing us how the fresh Greek yogurt is made. Whatever you do, DO NOT order the “one cup” special at Froco.
I know, it’s weird seeing Robin Thicke’s fingers when they’re not up his side piece’s cooze.
After getting beautifully trolled by Twitter, Alan Thicke’s son took his ass to Ebro in the Morning on New York’s Hot97 (Side note: They should’ve temporarily changed the name to Ebola in the Morning when Robin Thicke was on) to push the creepy album of “get Paula back” songs that Paula Patton could use against him to get a restraining order if she wasn’t in on it since more publicity equals more cash. The Summer’s Eve lothario, who has aired all of his douche laundry in an album that’s predicted to flop, says that he’s trying to keep most of his break-up with Paula private, but then he said that he hasn’t seen her face in person for months.
“I try to keep most of that private, but, I haven’t seen her for four months. If you’ve been together that long, you kinda became adults together instead of being adults and then meeting. But maybe a year or two off, we’ll become our own people without each other and then it will be meant to be.”
I don’t think Robin is telling the whole truth. If the break-up isn’t one big, giant PR stunt orchestrated by the both of them and Paula really doesn’t want to be with him, then I bet he has seen her plenty of times in the past four months even though she hasn’t seen him. I’m sure Robin sneaks into her house in the middle of the night and after he watches her sleep and smells her breath, he jacks off into her panty drawer while silently weeping. I think he wrote a song about that. Speaking of songs, Robin says that Paula hasn’t heard all of them:
“She hasn’t heard [the album],” the crooner admitted. “She’s only heard a few songs. I don’t think she wants to hear it right now. I can’t speak for her, but I think space is an important part of any healing process. She’s the best girl in the world, a great mother, and still a good friend. I want to wish her well and let her know that she’s a great person and she deserves to have a good life… She was my rock… Everything we have right now, we built together.”
And Robin says that their marriage didn’t die because his wandering dick blew the lid off of their open marriage ways:
“[Cheating] is not why we’re apart. We’re apart because we just couldn’t be together anymore for a while. There’s a hundred different reasons, there isn’t just one. There’s a long list… I changed, and I got a little too selfish, a little too greedy, and little too full of myself.”
Yes, Robin is really showing that he’s shed his doucheness, because nothing says “unselfish” like putting out an album full of creepy stalker songs about your ex and then talking about your ex in interview after interview to sell as many copies of said creepy album as possible. Robin has totally changed! Robin is no longer a douche (but that vinegar and dead wildflowers odor that wafts up out of your twat every time you see his face tells you otherwise).
And here’s the video for one of Robin’s creepy songs. Yes, Robin brought the children into it, but I’m just glad that he dressed them in outfits from the J. Crew bridal catalog instead of making them wear what the Blurred Lines chicks wore, or didn’t wear. At least he’s showing SOME restraint.
Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.
The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.
Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!
Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.
But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.
Pic: Vital Vegas
14-year-old Noah Cyrus has taken a little break from working the pole and has gotten herself a job on her big sister’s tour. During an interview on Australia’s 2Day FM, one of the show’s hosts Sophie Monk asked Miley Cyrus’ Astro Boy with a peroxide job-looking ass if she waxes her twat area since she wears leotards that pretty much expose all of her tortured, hairless, albino beaver. Miley could’ve just said that she keeps her bits smooth by smearing green tomato puree on her crotch before letting her pappy’s pet baby possum chew the hairs off, but nope. Instead, Miley had to take us there by saying that her little sister Noah is the Pussy Police and stares at her snatch zone to make sure none of her pork rinds are popping out. Thank you for that visual, Miley. Chris Hansen, I left the door open for you. via E!
“My sister—what channel are we on right now, so I can’t say ‘pussy,’” Miley initially stopped herself. But after Sophie informed her that she could use the p-word, even saying it herself for good measure, Miley then revealsed that 14-year-old Noah Cyrus is her “pussy police.”
“She makes sure that, you know, everything is staying intact,” the singer explained.
The Pussy Police Force should immediately take away Noah’s Pussy Police badge and put her on unpaid leave, because she is not doing her job. What kind of Pussy Police Officer presses the ignore button when they look at Miley’s crotch and see its mangled and strangled pussy lips use all of its energy to say, “Ayúdame.” (Yes, in my mind, Miley’s pussy is Mexican.) Officer Noah probably sees that all the time and does nothing! Any respectable Pussy Police Officer would immediately throw Miley on Death Row for regularly strangling her pussy with leotards. Noah is being bought. How shameful. Whatever happened to taking the Pussy Police Oath seriously?
And somewhere in his basement, Billy Ray Cyrus is weeping hillbilly tears into Taco Bell wrappers and wondering why he’s not on the Pussy Police Force.
In preparation for her role as an anorexic and bulimic character in the upcoming film The Road Within, the spawn of Lenny Kravitz and Denise Huxtable had to make herself look as skinnay as possible, but instead of throwing on an XXXL t-shirt and pushing her shoulders forward until her collarbones looked like Angelina Jolie’s checks in Maleficent, Zoe Kravitz told Us Weekly that she lost 20 lbs by throwing clay in a blender and pulsing it on high till it resembled liquid regret:
“I did a cleanse. I tried to do it the healthiest way as possible, even though it’s not healthy to do. I ended up drinking clay, because it cleans out your body and fills you up. I was eating like a Mason jar of pureed vegetables a day and running.”
I’m no scientist (unless watching every episode of Dr. Fad counts) but I think the reason she lost all that weight was because clay is disgusting? Clay isn’t even a food – it’s what you use to make busted-looking snake pots for your mom in art class. I’m sure she got the idea to stuff her face with greasy grey sludge from her Divergent co-star, clay connoisseur Shay-Lean Woodley, but Zoe Kravitz probably could have also lost 20 lbs by taking notes from the woman who eats couch cushions on TLC’s My Strange Addiction.
And you know that somewhere in Calabasas, there’s a distraught Pimp Mama Kris huddled over the giant reserve of clay she keeps stockpiled in her basement for future upgrades to her Silly Putty-looking face, frantically trying to decide Sophie’s Choice-style whether she should keep it or feed it all to Rob Kardashian.
Awww, look at sad, wittle, sweet and misunderstood Tewwy Richardson making a “Won’t you fo’give me for cumming on faces without asking first?” face. Don’t you just want to give him a great, big hug while wearing a suit covered with flaming spikes? That cover looks like a senior yearbook photo from Lucifer High. But you probably can’t see that picture or these words since vomit from your stomach is covering your monitor.
New York Magazine gave human white windowless van Terry Richardson a platform to speak out against all the allegations from models who claim that they went to his studio thinking they were just doing a photo shoot and they walked out with a glob of his coagulated jizz in their eye. Uncle Terry never denies that he regularly slaps his dick on a model’s face without asking first, but he does say that agents should never send their models out on shoots that will make them feel uncomfortable. I just can’t….
As for Richardson, “when I was taking those pictures,” he says, “I was very, like, ‘Cool, sounds great, let’s do it, great, okay, sure, great, cool, if not, no problem, never do anything you don’t want to do, of course, I totally respect that.’ ” He makes the point that agents and bookers shouldn’t encourage their clients to take on assignments that will make them uncomfortable.
A photographer agent threw a side-eye to that, because they say that Uncle Terry isn’t telling Mariah Carey or Charlize Theron or Obama or Oprah to grab his dick and lick the tip. Terry is going after girls whose agents tell them that he’s really important in the fashion world and they feel like they have to do it or else they’ll get dropped by their agency.
Every model who claimed that Terry terrorized them with his dick milk says that only he, them and his partner in fuckery/assistant Leslie were in the room when he shot them. But Uncle Terry says that his sets are always really professional and you’d think you were getting your picture taken at an Olan Mills. His sets are that wholesome! Actually, they’re probably more wholesome than Olan Mills, because you know the Olan Mills photographers snort lines off of those forest backdrops.
“It was never just me and a girl ever,” Richardson told me at his studio. “It was always assistants, or other people around, or girls brought friends over to hang out. It was very daytime, no drugs, no alcohol. It was a happening, there was energy, it was fun, it was exciting, making these strong images, and that’s what it was. People collaborating and exploring sexuality and taking pictures.”
Terry doesn’t admit to doing anything wrong and if the models he cums on feel bad about him cumming on them, then that’s on them (unfortunate pun not intended).
In our conversations, Richardson was less introspective and more defensive. “I don’t have any regrets about the work at all,” he tells me, “but obviously I don’t ever want someone to feel like that. It was never my intention. But also, people do things, and then they have regrets, and that’s also nothing to do with me. Then don’t do pictures like that again … I’m okay with myself about everything, and that to me is the most important thing.”
The TL;DR version of Terry’s profile is that he’s a creepy pervert predator and he’s going to keep being a creepy pervert predator. Glad we could clear that all up. And who ever said, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” should go ahead and add, “…unless the cover looks like Terry Richardson,” to the end of that saying.
Yesterday, the used enema that was brought to life with the spirit of King Joffrey apologized for his latest racist video by Instagramming scripture from the Bible. I don’t know exactly how many pages there are in the Bible, but the Biebs better hope there’s a whole lot, because he’s going to need to Instagram more Bible pages since Page Six says that there’s more racist videos out there. Some source says that there’s about 15 to 20 more minutes of the Biebs spewing out racist jokes. So prepare your eyes for non-stop rolling and prepare your mouth for non-stop yawning, because a whole TIME Life series of Justin Bieber spitting out racist fuckery could be coming.
After The Sun posted the first video of a 15-year-old Justin Bieber burping out that racist joke, TMZ, the epitome of restraint, also posted the video and said that they’ve been sitting on it for four years. TMZ said that they didn’t release it when they first got their hands on it, because the Biebs was only 15 at the time and they heard he was really, really sowwy about it. We all threw a “Bitch, we know you” side-eye at TMZ for that one. Well, Defamer has learned from a source that TMZ wasn’t sitting on those videos because they felt bad for the Biebs. They were using those videos to get exclusive interviews and tips from his team. Defamer’s source put it like this:
“TMZ has been sitting on this video for 3+ years and have been using it as essentially ransom so that Bieber and his team would cooperate with them and give them scoops. It was very close to being released initially, but his team was able to convince them not to by giving them access and compliance.”
TMZ calls Defamer’s story a pile of lies and they deny ever hanging those videos over Justin’s turd head for four years.
I figured blackmailing tricks was a standard thing in Hollywood. I mean, Pimp Mama Kris has probably been holding Ryan Seacrest’s immediately family hostage in the dungeon of her house for years. But still. The guy whose house was egged by the Biebs should blame TMZ for that. The janitor who had to empty the bucket of the Biebs’ douche piss should blame TMZ for that. Hilary Swank and lesbian beavers should blame TMZ for why they’ve suffered through years of being compared to him. And humanity should blame TMZ for the ear skin they’ve lost while stabbing their hearing holes whenever his songs come on. Because if TMZ posted those videos 4 years ago, they could’ve stopped the toddler monster before he unleashed the douche demon inside and terrorized the world. Damn you, Harvey Levin!