If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…
Tyga, Tigger’s creepy cousin who was kicked out of the Hundred Acre Wood for hitting on Christopher Robin’s little friends, went on Power 105′s The Breakfast Club this morning to talk about the Whore War between Amber Rose and Khloe Kartrashian that broke out over him possibly wet humping on 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. If 25-year-old Tyga actually admitted to R. Kelly’ing a minor, the lizard police may have dragged his salamander-looking ass away for statutory rape, so of course he denied being with Kylie like that and said that they’re just really, really good friends.
Not that it’s ever left. Last year, Kummy Kakes broke eyeballs when she served her greased-up, triple-stuffed Turducken ass on the cover of Paper Magazine, so you might have thought that maybe just maybe she’d do shit differently this year, but of course she’s not. Kim Kartrashian tried to fend of Kendull Jenner as Pimp Mama Kris’ newest prized heifer by doing the doody bubble pose in Love Magazine. I know, it’s about as edgy as an overused pair of safety scissors.
I was planning on having Juan Pollo for dinner tonight, but not anymore, because Kim’s legs look like two stumpy raw drumsticks in school girl socks. That picture is a whole lot of NOPE. It kind of surprises me to say that, because usually I’d scream “ELEGANCE!” while looking at a portrait of a centaur Hobbit hooker with no brows bending over in a dark alley while waiting for her next john to take his pants off.
But on a positive note, here’s another picture from the spread and this is her best picture of all-time.
And every drunken whore who’s sucked dick for a half-eaten 6 pack of Chicken McNuggets just said to themselves, “Been there, done that!”
Because McDonald’s really wants to be hit with more sexual harassment lawsuits, they have announced that for 12 days in February, hand-picked customers will be able to pay for this diarrhea-induced food by performing acts of love. The acts of love will be G-rated, apparently. HuffPo says that from February 2 to Valentine’s Day, a “Lovin’ Lead” manager from each McDonald’s will randomly pick a customer and ask them to do a “random act of lovin’” as payment. The “random acts” will include shit like calling your mom, blowing air kisses and giving hugs. THE FUCK? A hug? Gross and sappy! That’s like a Care Bear’s idea of prostitution. I’d rather suck a dick for a Coke than give a hug. Hugging is way too intimate.
McDonald’s announced their “Random Acts of Lovin’” campaign in a Super Bowl commercial (above).
Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.
Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.
I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.
And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan:
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
Now would be the time to light a few vanilla-scented candles and pour yourself a tall glass of pink champagne-style alcoholic beverage, because this story is all sorts of romantic and you’re going to want to set the mood right. Rapper Kevin Gates recently admitted to TMZ that he used to fuck his cousin. Like his cousin cousin, as in related to and sharing DNA with. But it wasn’t just a hit it & quit it & see you at the family reunion kind of thing. You see, Kevin is a gentleman. Kevin began dating his cousin back in 2006, but back then he didn’t know they were related. 3 months into their relationship, Kevin’s grandmother informed him that they were cousins.
Normally when you find out that you share an Ancestry.com page (more like Incestry.eww, in this case) with the person you’re humping on, you might consider calling it quits on your relationship. But not Kevin. Like I said before, Kevin is a gentleman; he continued to date his cousin for another 2 years. TWO YEARS! That’s forever in regular people time, let alone in boning your cousin time.
Kevin says he doesn’t regret getting nasty with his cousin, and claims they’re still on good terms. However, he isn’t sure how related they actually are; Kevin says he never found out whether it was his first, second, or third cousin. But it doesn’t matter, because according to Kevin, she was “good pussy”. Here, I’ll let Kevin explain it himself:
When Phylicia Rashad defended
her money Bill Cosby, she said that the evil plot to takedown a legacy is working because all of his contracts have been canceled. Phylicia was wrong. Some of Bill’s contracts remain intact, because he’s still working and is currently doing a short tour in Canada. Bill played the Budweiser Gardens in London, Ontario last night and during his show, the audience cheered when he dropped a rape joke. Oh, humanity, you always find a way to bring my face and my palm together.
A writer for The National Post, who was there last night, says that at one point during his set, a woman in the front row got up out of her seat and Bill Cosby, who looked like a gassy prairie dog, asked her where she was going. She told him she was going to the bar and asked him if he needed a drink. Bill said no and then shat up this heave-inducer: “You have to be careful about drinking around me.” The audience let out an “ooooooh” and those “ooooohs” quickly turned into claps and cheers. You know, it’s hilarious, because it may be true! Those people knew about the allegations and they still went, so the fact that I ate oatmeal with blueberries instead of a buttery PopTart for breakfast is a more shocking development than those people clapping at Bill Cosby’s rape joke.
Bill Cosby thinks he lives on a 50,000 foot high mountain of Pudding Pops and is untouchable, so of course he’d to this. Some celebrity wrecks poke fun at their “troubles” and “scandals” (see: Lindsay Lohan, etc….) by making jokes, but making rape jokes while facing lawsuits from women who claim you drugged and raped them? Who is Bill Cosby’s PR team? A pile of chewed-up and soggy Pudding Pop sticks? No, that’s not fair to say. A pile of chewed-up and soggy Pudding Pop sticks would do a better job handling this mess. What’s next? Bill’s going to replace Katherine Heigl as the new face of ZzzQuil or he’s going to try to prove that he’s still America’s wholesome father by manning the punch bowl at high school proms across the country?
This also happened at Bill’s show last night. A heckled was kicked out for screaming, “You’re a rapist,” at him.
Dear Kylie Jenner, if you don’t stop, this is going to be you real soon. Kylie Jenner probably knows that already since she’s seen this terrifying look up close and in person before.
It’s been a while since professional fame whore Backdoor Farrah has done something solely for attention. So she made up for lost time today by tweeting two pictures of her mouth job gone wrong. Farrah went to get her lips done and she ended up looking like a piranha with a massive overbite after getting beat down with a shovel. I think most ladies know that letting a back alley plastic surgeon fill your lips with foam insulation never turns out well, but Farrah warned all the ladies anyway:
Girlfriends don’t say I didn’t warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit
TMZ says that Farrah was getting a new procedure where the doctor puts an implant in your lips. It’s supposed to be cheaper than fillers because you don’t have to get it done all the time. Farrah claims that she researched the procedure and the doctor beforehand. That was her first mistake. Farrah should have let her daughter or someone else with more than 2 working brain cells do the research for her. Farrah thinks that her lips blew up after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. It’s possible that the implant was defective too. Whatever the case may be, Farrah now looks like she went to the plastic surgeon, showed them a picture of her butt lips and said, “Make the lips on my face look like this too!” I’m all for peen sucking lips but I don’t think the lips are supposed to be bigger than the peen.
The use of the hashtag #BOTCHED makes me think that she did this on purpose to get on E!’s Botched. The answer to the question “Would Farrah Abraham go so low as to purposefully screw up her face to get on a reality show?” is: It’s Farrah Abraham.
Farrah also made fun of herself on Twitter by comparing herself to Leela from Futurama. Leela is currently in the process of suing Farrah for defamation.
And here’s another picture to stare at if you don’t want to sleep tonight:
You know, this can easily be fixed. All Farrah has to do is get a pair of extra chunky eyebrows tattooed on her face and she’d look seven shades of stunning. Jordan James Parke knows what I’m talking about.
Insert obligatory “No, but I know he’d hit me with a 2X4 and never apologize to me for it” joke here.
Future LAPD Officer Marky Mark took a little break from his I’m A Do Gooder Now national tour to get in a little family photo-op action in Barbados with his wife Rhea Durham and their kids. Marky Mark is giving you pasty buff midget prison daddy bottom. These pictures have left my fuck parts in a state of confusion. If I stare at his troll daddy body, I get a slight case of the tingles, but as soon as my eyes scroll up and see that Marky Mark’s head is attached to that body the tingles turn into the heaves. Why does that head have to be attached to that body? Butthishead!
These pictures of Marky Mark being a devoted family man and wonderful husband smells like douche fumes and PR, but I am a little surprised that he didn’t go all the way. I’m surprised he didn’t spend his Christmas in Vietnam where photographers magically caught him giving presents to children and hugging the locals. He’s probably saving that move for the week before his pardon hearing.
And in many of the photo agency pictures from Marky Mark’s vacation, his wife is doing this:
Seriously, there’s picture after picture of her showing off her ass. Oh, and she’s also popping her butt out in the pictures too.