The brain dead child that Stuart from MadTV conceived while high on battery acid and bath salts is not even a week into her
Bangerz Trapped Clit and Muppet Porn World Tour and bitch has already taken shit to new disgusting and gross levels of SUCIO. That picture is so damn blurry that if you told me it was a 19-year-old Aaron Carter smoking meth out of a dick-shaped pipe or Justin Bieber chewing on a phallic-ass teething ring, I wouldn’t accuse you of telling lies. But Popdust says that it’s a picture of Miley putting a thong in her mouth after a fan threw it on stage at her show in Tacoma, Washington last night. Random snatch saliva and ass crack nectar is what’s for dinner. A fan at Miley’s show tweeted this about Miley getting her daily serving of nutritional yeast.
OMFG SOMEONE JUST THREW THEIR THONG ON STAGE AND MILEY PUT IT IN HER MOUTH!!!!!
— smiler. (@JasonTrannn) February 17, 2014
Gross ass chonies-eating slag. Whatever, I’m sure this was all just a choreographed stunt to make Miley look SO EDGY and SO HARD, but my thoughts and prayers are really with that thong. That poor thong is the innocent victim in all of this. Do you know how many gallons of hot water and how many scoops of powdered bleach it’s going to take get Miley’s thrush gunk out of its cotton patch? Nobody’s thinking about the poor thong.
And please don’t say that Billy Ray Cyrus probably threw that thong. I’m going to hit the stop button before we get to the part where the camera pans into the audience and Billy Ray winks at us after throwing that thong on stage.
Proceed with caution, because getting the tip from Jim Bob Duggar usually leaves a ho with a pile of slobbering chirrun and a pussy that could host the next Chicago Auto Show.
In honor of the day when your piece gives you a heart teddy bear from CVS before you get in a quick fuck on the couch so you can watch House of Cards season 2, the Duggars have birthed out 7 barf-inducing tips on how to keep your marriage sexy. The only tips I want from Michelle Duggar are beauty tips on how to get your hair to look like it time traveled here from 1984, but these Christian bareback sluts are experts in fucking, so I guess they know what they’re talking about (no, they don’t). If you really want your genitals to dry up like a pile of turkey jerky as your eyeballs melt and dribble out of their sockets, then read just a few of their tips (the rest are here):
1. Always keep your coochie available to your husband. Who cares if every time he sticks it in, a baby grabs onto the tip and when he pulls out you’ve got another mouth to feed. Who cares if you don’t want to bone him, because you’ve got the tireds and every time he takes his raw peen out your uterus starts screaming for mercy. Be his on-call 24-hour baby-making fuck machine.
Michelle says a friend gave her advice to live by before she and Jim Bob married in 1984: “She said, ‘In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.’” — she’s talking about sex, just so everyone’s clear — “‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.’”
At the time, as a young bride-to-be, Michelle says, she couldn’t imagine ever not wanting to “be available” for some quality married nookie. But with kids, she soon realized, exhaustion can easily extinguish romance. So she’s made an effort to follow her friend’s advice — and with no birth control and 19 kids, it would seem she’s succeeded. “That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage,” she tells TODAY Moms.
Seems to be working for Jim Bob, too: “We’re like a newlywed couple every day!” he enthuses.
2. But it’s okay to put a Be Back Soon sign over your twat after you’ve just had a baby (THE BIBLE SAYS) and when your period comes. Please, I bet Aunt Flow hasn’t brought her homemade berry crumble to Michelle in a loooong time since she’s always knocked up.
It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy. (The timeline for abstinence after childbirth is loosely based on Old Testament traditions, but is more about what works for their marriage than about observing religious law, the Duggars say.) A bit of abstinence, they’ve found, does make the heart grow fonder.
“When you’ve missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more,” Michelle says.
3. Treat your wife like a queen and that means sex her until she gives birth to a dozen handmaiden daughters who will wait on her hand and foot and raise all her ten million kids.
Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.
“That’s key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen,” Jim Bob says.
Again, you can read the rest here, but I don’t know if I would go there if I were you. I read the entire thing and I think I’m permanently sterilized. Shit, that’s probably all part of Jim Bob and Michelle’s evil master plan. They know that images of them getting it in raw will make all of our baby-making parts shrivel up and shut down. That way we will all stop procreating while the Duggars keep going at it and finally take over the world and make all of us their soap-making slaves.
(Pic via TLC) (Thanks Melissa!)
Pictures like this always confuse me, because it just goes to show that you really have no idea who is friends with who in Hollywood. Tom Arnold and Dax Shepard? Okay…I guess? I mean, it could be more random. Dax Shepard and Sherri Shepherd. Tom Arnold and Justin Bieber. Kristen Bell and the sloth community. But they’re friends, and apparently closer friends than any of us knew (because I know you’re all aggressively keeping up with Tom Arnold’s friendships). How close? Close enough for Dax to give Tom his boner juice.
According to Us Weekly, Dax and Kristen offered to donate a ziploc of jizz to Tom after finding out there was a VACANCY sign hanging above his balls. Before I go any further, that’s where sperm is made, right? The balls? I’m sorry, but if Slim Goodbody didn’t talk about it, I have no idea what it does. Anyways, Tom tried to have a baby with his first three wives, couldn’t make it happen, and figured the same thing would happen with his 4th wife, Ashley Groussman. After two miscarriages with Groussman, Tom realized his lil’ swimmers were fucking things up and that if he ever wanted to become a father, they were going to have to find a sperm donor. Dax and Kristen were filming Hit and Run with Tom at the time, and suggested he use Dax’s sperm. Tom was cool with it, but his wife wasn’t (fuck that; I’d accept the sperm of anyone from Idiocracy) so eventually they went to Sharon Stone’s fertility doctor and successfully got knocked up. Sharon Stone; another name to file in the folder marked ‘Tom Arnold’s Random Friendships’.
At first, all of this felt very “Wait, what?” but it kind of makes sense. Dax and Kristen seem like actual down-to-earth people who wouldn’t think it was weird to offer a friend some of their extra semen, and so far they seem to be making decent parenting decisions, like choosing not to pimp out their baby to the paps (“What good is a baby if you can’t make money off it?” - Kim K). At least with Dax, you’d be getting decent sperm; not everyone gets so lucky with their sperm donor:
Usually when you hear somebody talk about mistakes they’ve made, it’s shit like “I’m sorry got drunk and humped on your second cousin at your sister’s confirmation party” or “I’m sorry I had that third taco from the bunkass food truck and blew up the office bathroom.” Have this look ready to go when you read Farrah Abraham’s interview with InTouch where she says the release of her sex tape was a huge mistake and if she could take it back, she would.
“It made it hard to have friends and a private life and to trust family, who I feel use me for money,” Farrah tells In Touch, on newsstands now. “If I went back in time, I would not have done it. The sex tape ruined my life.”
Despite warnings from family who feared selling the X-rated tape would send a terrible message to her 4-year-old daughter, Sophia, Farrah did it anyway — and says she quickly realized it was a bad idea. “Knowing my sex tape was out there for everyone in the world to see … was overwhelming,” she says. “I wanted to hide my face and not go out or pick up my phone.”
Foresight, motherfucker, do you have it?? Of COURSE it was a bad fucking idea. Of COURSE you are surrounded by shady assholes (GONG) who are using you. Of COURSE you should hide that horse face, perhaps with this stylish fly rug.
For someone who was supposedly so damn ashamed of getting butt plowed for the almighty dollar, Farrah tried her hardest to keep that money rolling in. She sold the story of upgrading her tits to the tabs and pimped out her rancid tunnels a second time by allowing them to be made into rubber fuck molds. She also tried to drag her then-boyfriend, DJ Brian Dawe, onto VH1′s Couple’s Therapy, but ended up doing the show alone when he wised up and got the fuck out out of there.
Still, she’s glad she went ahead and did the show by herself. “Therapy helped me understand I can’t continue experiencing life [the way I had been], that I’m more special than sex tapes,” she explains. “Hearing others tell me my worth is [all based on] my body. … I’m stronger than that.”
What Farrah really meant to say was, “I didn’t get anywhere near as rich as I thought and since I can’t afford to wipe my leaking ass with hundred dollar bills, I’m going to say it was all a huge mistake!“ The rampant Daddy issues are implied.
Noted anti-Bieber Taylor Swift immediately went on Amazon, ordered a dozen clues (and a few boxes of Penicillin) and sent them via Amazon Drone to Selena Gomez’s front doorstep after pictures of Selena and Justin Bieber Segway-ing down The Fuck Are You Doing Road were burped up the Internet yesterday. Well, Taylor Swift better send a dozen more clues to Selena’s doorstep, because early this morning Jelena (Side note: Typing the word “Jelena” causes your brain to immediately tell your body to begin dry heaving) pulled a move they pulled last year when they posted a pic on Instagram to let everyone know that they’re scissoring each other again. Justin spit up this little note with the pic:
Love the way you look at me
There’s so many terrifying and ridiculous things going on in that gross picture. Let’s go over just a few of them:
1. Justin Bieber looks like a 13-year-old ingenue in a direct-to-VOD horror movie who’s trying to look pretty, demure and scared while hiding from the killer in a closet.
2. Selena’s head looks like it was cut out from another picture and pasted onto this one.
3. The Biebs obviously typed that note while looking in a mirror.
4. That arm around his neck is not squeezing tight enough. SQUEEZE TIGHTER!
5. The most terrifying thing of all is that Selena is actually looking at that smegma-covered, travel-sized dildo with a look of love.
There was a blind item recently on Blind Gossip about some pop star type who canceled her tour because she’s addicted to the bad shit and it’s obviously about Selena Gomez. I didn’t totally believe it until now. It’s obvious that Selena is addicted to the worst kind of bad shit of all: Justin Bieber! Taylor, come get this girl and drag her ass to Promises.
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1′s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
I know, what a hideous, trashy bag. I’m talking about the purse, but that statement works for anybody in this picture (except for you, Sea Green Tank Top Lady. Werk!)
Last night, the Internet had a collective waking night terror when Kim Kardashian Instragramm’d a picture of the hand-painted Birkin bag that Kanye West gave to her for Khristmas. Like klockwork, Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho hit the stroll with Kanye and her dark-sided, unholy bag, and DAMN, it’s HUGE. That bag could double as a carrying case for Kanye’s massive, throbbing ego. Kim could fit her entire turducken ass in that bag. North West is probably living in a corner in that big and it’s still too much square footage for her. That bag might be bigger than Kim’s pussy. It’s that big. And because it’s enormous, that George Condo-painted Kardashian whore orgy scene looks even more terrifying.
I don’t know what’s more horrifying: that bag or the fact that Kim has completely Who-ified her face.
Miley Cyrus’ video for “Adore You” was supposed to come out today, but it “leaked” last night, because she just had to taint everyone’s egg nog with dried saliva, cooch slobber, liquid desperation and dirty bathwater. Press play if you really want to see 4 and a half minutes of Miley looking like Bunny Boy from Gummo continually scratching at his mouth because he’s teething. Miley thinks she’s giving us ten layers of sex, but bitch is writhing around so much that she looks like a strung out toddler who’s coming down from a heroin binge. This is about as sexy as an exorcism. If RiRi’s video for “Stay” hocked up a crusty loogie and then Madge’s video for “Justify My Love” dropped a wet queef on that loogie before Sharon Stone’s bath tub fap scene from Sliver farted on it, the end result would be Miley’s video for “Adore You.”
I don’t know who directed this boring, uncomfortable mess. I was really surprised that the words “co-directed by Uncle Terry and Billy Ray Cyrus” didn’t pop up on the screen at the end.
Tis the season for giving… and I wish Kim Kartrashian would’ve given us the gift of Instagramming a picture of the one-way tickets to a luxurious winter resort town called Alert, Nunavut that someone called “HUMANITY” sent to her and Kanye Kartrashian. But sadly, she didn’t do that. Instead, Kim, being the modest whore she is, gifted the 99% with pictures of all the stupid, overpriced shit that stupid designers sent to her kid. Happy Christmas! Let’s all barf together.
After North West was born and Pimp Mama Kris raised her hooves into the night air while proclaiming her allegiance to the Illuminati demons for giving her another living, breathing ATM, a bunch of design houses sent over a bunch of fancy shit and Kim Instagrammed all that crap. Kim did it again and threw up pictures of designer shoes and clothes given to
Baby Nori Baby Seaweed by Stella McCartney, Giuseppe Zanotti, Charlotte Olympia and Michael Coste for Christmas.
It was really nice of Kim to remind us of her modesty and to also remind us that there’s designers out there who are ridiculous enough to send $300 black pussy flats to a baby who doesn’t give a butt bubble about what she’s wearing. I once hung out with a baby (I don’t do that often, but sometimes I’m forced to) at Christmas times and I made her an outfit out of gift ribbon and wrapping paper. She looked a mess, but she laughed and smiled like that outfit was made of magic. I sniffed at the wrapping paper while thinking that it was laced with weed that seeped into her skin and made her laugh, because she was freaking out about her wrapping paper dress. What I’m saying is that babies are simple creatures and love shit like ribbon headbands and the designers only sent Kim that crap to feed her gaping hole of an ego.
But you know, maybe those designers did Baby Seaweed a favor. While Kanye rants for hours about how he’s the one who first invented white fringed leather sneakers for babies and Kim queefs at her assistant to immediately put all that stuff on eBay, Baby Seaweed can escape without them finding out. Grab those Hermes slippers (you can sell ‘em later for cash) and crawl, Baby Seaweed, crawl!