Courtney Stodden just threw herself onto a pile of dirty thongs and began weeping coagulated silicone tears into a ratty clump of $2 hair extensions, because she’s no longer the craziest gold-digging star-fucking jail bait fame whore on the block anymore. RIP, Porn Iguana; we hardly knew ye.
So just who is this daddy issues-having ho who has snatched away Courtney Stodden’s crown? According to Us Weekly, 57-year-old Ray Donovan actor (or Manny from Scarface, whichever brings up less of a “??????” for you) Steven Bauer attempted to out-creepy Woody Allen by showing up to the premiere of Magic in the Moonlight with his 18-year-old girlfriend Lyda Loudon. According to her Twitter bio, Lyda is a “part-time nightmare-inspirer, journalist, host of Sarcasm Overdose, ceo, actress, unsalvageable degenerate film/music/cigar/espresso addict” aka she’s unemployed. But Lyda is not just a barely-legal J-list star fucker (yes she is, but go on); she also founded Tea Party Youth and the L3 Foundation, a non-profit dedicated to “educate millennials with the tools it will take to turn America’s future around”.
Of course, it gets better (it always gets better). Lyda’s parents are former Missouri Republican senator John Loudon and Tea Party founder and author “Dr. Gina“ (she sounds like a no-nonsense discount gynecologist). Meanwhile, Steven used to be married to Melanie Griffith, and they have a 28-year-old son together. You know your girlfriend is too damn young if she can’t remember Melanie before the Antonio tattoo. Hell, your girlfriend is too young if her age is anything that ends in “-teen“!
No other information is known, like where they met or just how much Steven had to pay Chris Hansen to keep him from pulling the Dateline van up to his house, but one thing is for sure: they picked the right place to announce they were a couple. Nothing says “I’m in a not-right Pedobear-approved relationship with a teenage girl almost 40 years younger than me” like the red carpet premiere of a Woody Allen movie.
And if your name is Courtney Stodden, here are some pictures of Lyda that you may print out and pin to your dart board to angrily whip your stripper heels at later. For the rest of us, take a good look: this is Lyda before. It’s only a matter of time before she goes full-Hollywood Fame Humper and fills her face and tits with cheap silicone.
If you’ve ever wanted to see a lion cake make a “¿por qué yo” face, throw a JLo cake on top of it. That lion cake hates its cake life and can’t wait for someone to put it out of its misery by eating it.
At the 45th birthday party that JLo threw for herself at a restaurant in Southampton, NY last night, some of her guests said to themselves, “Oh God, I hope the ass part isn’t filled with chocolate fudge,” when the awkward and hilarious cake of JLo the Leo sprawled out on a lion came out. The crown jewel of the Cake Wrecks crown has been found! I know that’s supposed to be JLo, but it looks more like a Filipino boy in drag as a young Imelda Marcos. What I’m saying is that Casper Smart really wants to fuck that cake.
The best part of this messy cake is that it looks like JLo’s thighs and ass are three times the size of her torso and head. That cake might be telling the future, because if JLo’s ass keeps growing, it’ll eat her torso and head and she’ll be nothing but a gigantic butt with legs.
That cake definitely tests my love for cake. But yeah, I’d eat it. I’d eat JLo’s cakes. But then again, if you covered a CROC in frosting, I’d probably eat that too.
IMPORTANT CAKE UPDATE: The pictures that Fat Joe Instagramm’d were taken after the cake, which was created by cake artiste SamiCakes Boutique, had been sitting out for a while and melted. Here’s a picture of JLo’s cake in all its glory:
Pimp Mama Kris Instagramm’d this nasty ass picture of her and her 3 whores today and besides the obvious comment of, “Where is a swarm of piranhas when you really need one?”, I have 4 comments about this mess:
2. E! calls this picture “a sexy family photo” (double heave) and thinks all these pieces of trash are topless. I’m pretty sure they’re wearing black swimsuits, but I’m sure that sometime next week PMK will tweet a picture of her and her hos topless, bottomless and spreading it for retweets.
3. I know Kim’s face looks Photoshopped in real-life, but her face really looks like it was copy+pasted there.
4. Speaking of copy+pasting, there’s a really easy way to make that picture a million times less heave-worthy. Just cover the faces of all those gutter tramps with Bruce Jenner’s pucker-inducing beautiful face.
If it was up to Ben Stein, he’d be the host of Win Ben Stein’s Peeny, because he is a proud horny motherfucker who is like a teenager on Viagra and still gets “mad crushes” on beautiful ladies. In a rambling, weird column for The American Spectator, which came out last month, Ben Stein writes that his craving for beautiful ladies has led him to some gold digging situations. Shocking, I know. The 69-year-old married pepaw wrote about a woman he called “Lucia” who hit him up for cash. Ben says that he met Lucia at San Francisco International Airport and after talking for a few minutes, they exchanged numbers. They texted each other for months. Ben described Lucia as being a gorgeous “Eurasian” writer who used to work as a pussy peddler. One day, Lucia told him she got knocked up and wasn’t with the father of her unborn child anymore. Lucia asked Ben for cash and Ben, being super pro-life, gave it to her. But after Ben’s column came out, Lucia (real name: Tanya Ma) ran her ass off to Page Six and said that Ben Stein isn’t the giving Captain Save-A-Ho he makes himself out to be. Ben is a creepy predator who wanted to hug and kiss on her pregnant body.
Tanya tells Page Six that she’s only coming out with her side of the story and sharing texts Ben wrote her, because she’s a vigilante for justice and wants all of womankind to know about his sleazy ways.
Tanya Ma, a 24-year-old pregnant performance artist, said she contacted Page Six to tell her story because she doesn’t “want him to continue to do this to women.”
“It’s much more than sexting, cyber-escorting or being a sugar daddy — it’s unhealthy and toxic behavior that needs to be exposed.”
Tanya says that when she met Ben Stein, she thought he was interested in her as a writer, but after texting for four months, he started asking her for “racy” pictures. Tanya sent him some pictures, but he kept asking for more and more. That didn’t seem to bother Tanya too much, because she never blocked his number and she even agreed to meet him at a hotel near his house in L.A. Tanya says that Ben’s wife knew about everything and didn’t care. Tanya eventually called off their date in the hotel room when Ben told her he wanted to hug AND kiss her. Tanya was totally okay with Ben touching her baby dome, but kisses were off the table.
But “the day before I was supposed to meet him, he texted me” about wanting to touch and kiss, she said.
Ma said the ex-Comedy Central star wrote, “When you get here i want to hug and kiss you. I understand you don’t want to fuck me. But i want to touch you and kiss you.”
“I knew he had developed a crush on me, but it just started to get weird,” said a grossed-out Ma, who is 18 weeks pregnant by a former beau.
Growing “horribly uncomfortable” with his antics, Ma said, she texted back: “Ben, you may hug me and feel my baby bump, but anything more is too much for me. I’m not your girlfriend. Can’t we simply enjoy a conversation and meal? I’m pregnant.”
That dialogue sounds like the start of the worst and most uncomfortable pregnant porn ever. The texts that Tanya gave Page Six and the rest of this mess of a story are after the cut. Ben Stein better pay for the hypnosis sessions I’ll need to cleanse my brain of the image of him getting moist in the tip while telling Tanya that he wants to touch her baby bump.
File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
”Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
Because Farrah Abraham is an entrepreneurial genius who knows that most people said to themselves, “Hmmm, I could really go for some creamy yogurt right now,” while watching her squirt in her porn, she’s opening up a frozen yogurt place in Austin, TX this October. Backdoor Farrah calls Froco Fresh Frozen a “brand new concept” and since she has dingles for brains, a “brand new concept” to her is a place that sells frozen yogurt and other frozen foods. Froco’s mascot is a terrifying “popping boba” named Coba and Backdoor Farrah probably got the idea for it while watching a string of anal beads go in and out of her b-hole. That’s how Coba the Anal Bead was born!
Backdoor Farrah tells Starcasm that she came up with the concept of Froco (she should’ve called it “Stinkberry“) all by herself. Froco will sell fresh and frozen cuisines in a family atmosphere. Farrah really is a culinary mastermind, because I’ve never heard of a place that sells both fresh AND frozen foods. I’ve never heard of something called a fucking grocery store. The about section of Froco’s website (which I’ll get into in a second) obviously came from the shit-filled mind of Farrah, because it is equal parts frozen delusion and nonsense, and it reads like it was written by a dried ball of poop cum:
The founder of Froco, was set to open a restaurant concept when the now first location and property of Froco was available. Instead of going with the first planned restaurant concept the founder had a better feeling about Froco. There was a lot to be completed with an unplanned great concept, so the founder of Froco thought about the possibilities to buy into another franchise of the similar sort but then realizing after being excepted to the other growing franchises of the similar sort that their values, their brands weren’t as great as what the founder could live up too. So with passion and positivity the founder wanted feedback on her Froco idea. After asking others in salons, playgrounds, stores, and just everywhere the founder was set on Froco and the mascot being Coba the popping boba! …
The founder felt strongly compelled to include Greek yogurt in to as many of the food products at Froco as possible which are found in certain flavors of frozen yogurt and all the freshly made to go food items. The founder after moving to Texas at the age of 22 right before the creation of Froco was told by her doctor to better her health with plain Greek yogurt. Being the foodie that the founder is, the founder put Greek yogurt in everything – sandwiches, pastas, salads, wraps, sushi, desserts and the founder was happy to taste better enhancement of flavors with the Greek yogurt in all the food options. The founder found the balance of taste, health, and quality and wanted to bring this to everyone’s lifestyle all year round. …
The founder Farrah Abraham is recognized nationally for her success in entertainment as well being a wonderful mother to her daughter Sophia who at age 5 has helped every step of the way in creating a lovable, positive, passionate and educational mascot for Froco, “Coba” The popping boba, who you may put on your frozen yogurt and feel a pop of passion and positivity every time you visit Froco.
You know, Backdoor Farrah opening up a gourmet emporium that sells yogurt and bubble tea makes sense. I mean, Greek yogurt is a yeast infection remedy (you know that’s why her doctor told her about it) and boba pearls can be used as disintegrating anal beads.
And as for the website (via Uproxx), this morning, a hacker doing God’s work hacked it and on the front page they put a GIF of James Deen backdooring Farrah. Here’s the censored version co-starring Coba the Anal Bead:
Maybe the site wasn’t hacked. Maybe Farrah’s just showing us how the fresh Greek yogurt is made. Whatever you do, DO NOT order the “one cup” special at Froco.
I know, it’s weird seeing Robin Thicke’s fingers when they’re not up his side piece’s cooze.
After getting beautifully trolled by Twitter, Alan Thicke’s son took his ass to Ebro in the Morning on New York’s Hot97 (Side note: They should’ve temporarily changed the name to Ebola in the Morning when Robin Thicke was on) to push the creepy album of “get Paula back” songs that Paula Patton could use against him to get a restraining order if she wasn’t in on it since more publicity equals more cash. The Summer’s Eve lothario, who has aired all of his douche laundry in an album that’s predicted to flop, says that he’s trying to keep most of his break-up with Paula private, but then he said that he hasn’t seen her face in person for months.
“I try to keep most of that private, but, I haven’t seen her for four months. If you’ve been together that long, you kinda became adults together instead of being adults and then meeting. But maybe a year or two off, we’ll become our own people without each other and then it will be meant to be.”
I don’t think Robin is telling the whole truth. If the break-up isn’t one big, giant PR stunt orchestrated by the both of them and Paula really doesn’t want to be with him, then I bet he has seen her plenty of times in the past four months even though she hasn’t seen him. I’m sure Robin sneaks into her house in the middle of the night and after he watches her sleep and smells her breath, he jacks off into her panty drawer while silently weeping. I think he wrote a song about that. Speaking of songs, Robin says that Paula hasn’t heard all of them:
“She hasn’t heard [the album],” the crooner admitted. “She’s only heard a few songs. I don’t think she wants to hear it right now. I can’t speak for her, but I think space is an important part of any healing process. She’s the best girl in the world, a great mother, and still a good friend. I want to wish her well and let her know that she’s a great person and she deserves to have a good life… She was my rock… Everything we have right now, we built together.”
And Robin says that their marriage didn’t die because his wandering dick blew the lid off of their open marriage ways:
“[Cheating] is not why we’re apart. We’re apart because we just couldn’t be together anymore for a while. There’s a hundred different reasons, there isn’t just one. There’s a long list… I changed, and I got a little too selfish, a little too greedy, and little too full of myself.”
Yes, Robin is really showing that he’s shed his doucheness, because nothing says “unselfish” like putting out an album full of creepy stalker songs about your ex and then talking about your ex in interview after interview to sell as many copies of said creepy album as possible. Robin has totally changed! Robin is no longer a douche (but that vinegar and dead wildflowers odor that wafts up out of your twat every time you see his face tells you otherwise).
And here’s the video for one of Robin’s creepy songs. Yes, Robin brought the children into it, but I’m just glad that he dressed them in outfits from the J. Crew bridal catalog instead of making them wear what the Blurred Lines chicks wore, or didn’t wear. At least he’s showing SOME restraint.
Guy Fieri, America’s culinary master who looks like a wart hog that was violently attacked by an albino porcupine, opened up one of his gourmet wonderland emporiums in Las Vegas, which is pretty smart, because after you get all the way drunk, you usually want to wrap your mouth hole around deep fried gluten wrapped in deep fried cheese wrapped in deep fried creamed pork rinds and covered with bacon-embedded lard sauce. I think I just described the amuse-bouche at Guy’s Las Vegas restaurant. Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen & Bar opened in April, and just like his Times Square barf house, the critics have fallen in love with all the delicacies on the menu. Everything on the menu will make your heart stop, literally.
The menu of the makers of Lipitor’s favorite restaurant has the usual stuff that’ll make most of your internal organs clock out and quit this bitch. There’s a Mac-N-Cheese Bacon Burger and fondue dippers. But the bright shining star of the menu is the $12 Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge, which is basically half of a cheesecake that’s been attacked by fudge, pretzels and potato chips. It looks like some kind of mess that a 4-year-old would make, which is pretty impressive since Guy usually has the culinary skills of a 2-year-old. He’s truly growing as a culinary artist.
Instead of sitting flat — commonsense, quotidian, even jejune — the cheesecake is set on its edge like a wheel, so it presents itself as a sort of runaway half of a dirty and broken Thundarr the Barbarian moon that’s been ripped out of orbit by cosmic forces beyond our reckoning. And, by now calorie-drunk, swooning with surfeit, I imagined Guy Fieri straddling that ragged crescent cake-moon like a motorcycle, riding into a cold and inscrutable universe, crying for an answer, a connection, somebody, anybody, with his painted flames and chocolate-sauced potato chips, his pepperoni armor and outsized burgers: Is anybody out there? I’ve got cheesecaaaaake!
Why did Andrew give me that visual? Just when my tongue was starting to get moist over something that looks like Mama June’s colon, he just had to make me picture Guy getting his crotch sweat all over it while riding it. And I bet Guy’s crotch sweat IS fudge.
But even though that disgusting thing would stop me from shitting for weeks, I still would. I’d hit it. I’d eat it ugly, which is saying a lot since it’s already damn ugly.
Pic: Vital Vegas
14-year-old Noah Cyrus has taken a little break from working the pole and has gotten herself a job on her big sister’s tour. During an interview on Australia’s 2Day FM, one of the show’s hosts Sophie Monk asked Miley Cyrus’ Astro Boy with a peroxide job-looking ass if she waxes her twat area since she wears leotards that pretty much expose all of her tortured, hairless, albino beaver. Miley could’ve just said that she keeps her bits smooth by smearing green tomato puree on her crotch before letting her pappy’s pet baby possum chew the hairs off, but nope. Instead, Miley had to take us there by saying that her little sister Noah is the Pussy Police and stares at her snatch zone to make sure none of her pork rinds are popping out. Thank you for that visual, Miley. Chris Hansen, I left the door open for you. via E!
“My sister—what channel are we on right now, so I can’t say ‘pussy,’” Miley initially stopped herself. But after Sophie informed her that she could use the p-word, even saying it herself for good measure, Miley then revealsed that 14-year-old Noah Cyrus is her “pussy police.”
“She makes sure that, you know, everything is staying intact,” the singer explained.
The Pussy Police Force should immediately take away Noah’s Pussy Police badge and put her on unpaid leave, because she is not doing her job. What kind of Pussy Police Officer presses the ignore button when they look at Miley’s crotch and see its mangled and strangled pussy lips use all of its energy to say, “Ayúdame.” (Yes, in my mind, Miley’s pussy is Mexican.) Officer Noah probably sees that all the time and does nothing! Any respectable Pussy Police Officer would immediately throw Miley on Death Row for regularly strangling her pussy with leotards. Noah is being bought. How shameful. Whatever happened to taking the Pussy Police Oath seriously?
And somewhere in his basement, Billy Ray Cyrus is weeping hillbilly tears into Taco Bell wrappers and wondering why he’s not on the Pussy Police Force.
In preparation for her role as an anorexic and bulimic character in the upcoming film The Road Within, the spawn of Lenny Kravitz and Denise Huxtable had to make herself look as skinnay as possible, but instead of throwing on an XXXL t-shirt and pushing her shoulders forward until her collarbones looked like Angelina Jolie’s checks in Maleficent, Zoe Kravitz told Us Weekly that she lost 20 lbs by throwing clay in a blender and pulsing it on high till it resembled liquid regret:
“I did a cleanse. I tried to do it the healthiest way as possible, even though it’s not healthy to do. I ended up drinking clay, because it cleans out your body and fills you up. I was eating like a Mason jar of pureed vegetables a day and running.”
I’m no scientist (unless watching every episode of Dr. Fad counts) but I think the reason she lost all that weight was because clay is disgusting? Clay isn’t even a food – it’s what you use to make busted-looking snake pots for your mom in art class. I’m sure she got the idea to stuff her face with greasy grey sludge from her Divergent co-star, clay connoisseur Shay-Lean Woodley, but Zoe Kravitz probably could have also lost 20 lbs by taking notes from the woman who eats couch cushions on TLC’s My Strange Addiction.
And you know that somewhere in Calabasas, there’s a distraught Pimp Mama Kris huddled over the giant reserve of clay she keeps stockpiled in her basement for future upgrades to her Silly Putty-looking face, frantically trying to decide Sophie’s Choice-style whether she should keep it or feed it all to Rob Kardashian.