When JLo and Casper the Douchey Gold Digger broke up, nearly everyone broke up with their pieces, because if an egomaniac and Frogger’s maybe cheating, glory hole-trolling cousin can’t make it, who can?! Well, it turns out they can make, because they’ve been making it this entire time. That’s what TMZ says anyway. When JLo said that she’s happy to be single, what she really meant is that she’s a STUNT QUEEN who is happy to be tricking us all. Apparently, JLo never stopped doing the low-rent KFed and only said that to create “buzz” for that The Boy Next Door movie. Beyonce just bowed down to JLo and her shameless PR hustle.
TMZ says that JLo and Casper did break up last June, but they got back together a few weeks later. JLo didn’t say anything and pretended like they were done, because she and the producers of The Boy Next Door felt like they’d sell more tickets if everyone thought she was getting on her co-star Ryan Guzman. She also had a book about love she needed to whore out. For the past few months, they’ve been trying to keep it on the down low, but I guess they’re over that, because they kissed in front of the paps the other day. The whole “single for press” thing also worked for Casper, because he wanted to look single while shooting a UFC fighter movie nobody’s going to watch.
JLo had it right when she was lying about being with Casper Smart and she should’ve kept lying. I get that JLo may want to be with a piece she can boss around, but why Casper’s buff Jon Cryer-looking ass? Were there not better options at Boy Toys ‘R Us? Whatever, I guess the coochie wants what the coochie wants. Or maybe… JLo was trying to cross a bridge one day and she ran into Casper who was guarding it. When Casper asked her to solve a riddle, she got it wrong, which put a curse on her and she’s been tied to him ever since! Blink twice if I’m right, JLo.
In news that’ll make you prolapse out of shock, Woody Allen was a creep and left a young actress with a thick layer of ICK NAST on her skin.
In Mariel Hemingway’s new memoir Out Came The Sun (which on the cover, she’s doing the international sign for pussy eating for some reason), she writes about how when she was barely 18, Woody Allen, the human version of a stranger giving you a back rub during a hug, kept trying to take her to Europe and even flew to her parents’ house in Idaho to convince them to convince her. Mariel had just acted in Manhattan and she thought their relationship was strictly friendly, but quickly began to realize that the skeezy turtle in glasses wanted to get into her chonies. Mariel didn’t really want to go to Europe with Woody, but her parents kind of pushed her to go:
She warned her parents “that I didn’t know what the arrangement was going to be, that I wasn’t sure if I was even going to have my own room. Woody hadn’t said that. He hadn’t even hinted it. But I wanted them to put their foot down. They didn’t. They kept lightly encouraging me.” Allen was then in his mid-forties.
Mariel knew what was up and went into Woody’s room in the middle of the night with her pajamas on (“Wait until morning, bitch!” – me to 18-year-old Mariel) to tell him she knew what he was trying to pull on her.
Hemingway woke up in the middle of the night “with the certain knowledge that I was an idiot. No one was going to get their own room. His plan, such as it was, involved being with me.” She shook him awake in the guest room and demanded:
“I’m not going to get my own room, am I?” As Allen fumbled for his glasses, Hemingway informed him: “I can’t go to Paris with you.”
Woody left Idaho the next day on his private jet.
I know, BREAKING NEWS, a creepy grown Hollywood director tried to get on a pretty, barely legal girl. The real news is that Woody tried to get with Mariel when she was already legal. But WTF at her parents pushing her to go. Are Mariel Hemingway’s parents related to White Oprah? Because that is some shit White Oprah’s drunk ass would pull. “Iss okay, honey, juss share a room with him. He’ll make you faymish!“
Your move, Chris Hansen.
Last month, Wiz Khalifa’s outlet mall equivalent Tyga swore up and down during a Power 105 radio interview that he wasn’t rubbing his his 25-year-old sex parts on the 17-year-old underage sex parts of aspiring Real Doll Kylie Jenner. Well, I guess he got tired of everyone shooting him “Uh huh, sure” side-eyes, because last night he said fuck it and Instagrammed a picture of his high school girlfriend with the caption:
“Certain things catch your eye, but only few capture the heart“
“Awww, that is so sweet!” said Pedobear. “Aw shit, that is 8 layers of NO” said the rest of us.
Of course, Tyga didn’t come right out and says “I am humping on this plastic-looking teenager”, but that creepy catch your eye/capture the heart shit was probably enough to make Tyga’s lawyer start nervously tugging at the collar of his shirt and telling his assistant to hold all his calls for the next little while while he tries to explain to his client that just because he chose a picture of his girlfriend where she looks like she’s pushing 40 doesn’t make it any less not-right.
Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris kouldn’t be prouder that the youngest and least marketable of her whores has finally found her calling. Hey, in PMK’s world, being the putty-faced jail bait girlfriend of someone semi-famous is a calling.
Speaking of jobs, here’s Kylie looking like an off-off-off brand version of Old Kim (prototype model name: Kam Krudashun) while hustling some drugstore face cream she definitely never uses in London earlier today:
Seen above already practicing the frazzled constipation face that every Woody Allen character must make, Cesar award-winning actress (that is not a typo) Kristen Stewart will star in the noted creeper fart’s next movie. Hide every MINI Cooper now. Hide them all.
Even though Woody Allen’s last movie Turd in the Moonlight was a critical flop, he’s still farting up a movie a year like he’s done since before Methuselah was born. The shriveled worm has a movie called Irrational Man, which stars Emma Stone and Joaquin Phoenix, coming out this year and he’s already starting to put together his project for 2016. Deadline says that Woody has cast Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg and Christina Hendricks’ right chichi, Bruce Willis, in the lead roles. Jesse Eisenberg was in To Rome With Love. KStew and Bruce have never worked with Woody before. This will also be the third time KStew and Jesse Eisenberg are in a movie together. They are UGH’s answer to Bogie and Bacall.
As with most of Woody’s movies, everyone signed on without seeing a script. There is no plot and there is no title. Like we need to be told what it’s going to be about. We already know it’s going to be about a bunch nervous white people and their problems. You can also expect a scene where KStew and Bruce Willis touch tongues so get ready to heave.
And every crew member who is going to work on this movie better find a way to get a bottomless Xanax prescription, because they’re going to need it. Kristen Stewart is a stuttering, tweaker on Ambien mess and Woody Allen is a stuttering, neurotic mess, so watching them communicate will drive anyone to a nervous breakdown.
That screen shot looks like a scene from the worst 1-900 chat line commercial that only airs in HELL.
Ever since woman after woman publicly came forward to claim that Bill Cosby drugged or drugged and raped her, his PR team has been a wreck and has shown other PR teams how not to handle a situation like this. They kept with their strategy of “Let’s just do everything wrong” by letting Bill Cosby shoot a video message to his fans where he blankly stares at nothing during a fake phone conversation while wearing silk pajamas. Nope, nothing creepy about that.
In a short video that his people gave to Good Morning America, Bill tells an imaginary person on the other end of the phone that he’s doing a show in Wheeling, West Virginia. This whole video is a solid NO from his Hugh Hefner-like silk pajamas to that phone, which may or may not be the same phone that he was talking on when Janice Dickinson took a picture of him.
That shit is so awkward and creepy that after watching it, I grabbed the drink that was next to me, threw it out and got a new one in a fresh cup. Bill’s publicist also attached a little note to the video that was sent out:
Dear Fans: I hope you enjoy my wonderful video message that’s filled with laughter. Hey, hey, hey, I’m far from finished.
Bill Cosby’s publicists are seriously staying clueless, because they haven’t yet told him that maybe it’s time to retire that “far from finished” line since nobody who has been accused of raping dozens of women should say that.
As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:
My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.”
Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”
In short: I love it!
If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…
Tyga, Tigger’s creepy cousin who was kicked out of the Hundred Acre Wood for hitting on Christopher Robin’s little friends, went on Power 105′s The Breakfast Club this morning to talk about the Whore War between Amber Rose and Khloe Kartrashian that broke out over him possibly wet humping on 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. If 25-year-old Tyga actually admitted to R. Kelly’ing a minor, the lizard police may have dragged his salamander-looking ass away for statutory rape, so of course he denied being with Kylie like that and said that they’re just really, really good friends.
Not that it’s ever left. Last year, Kummy Kakes broke eyeballs when she served her greased-up, triple-stuffed Turducken ass on the cover of Paper Magazine, so you might have thought that maybe just maybe she’d do shit differently this year, but of course she’s not. Kim Kartrashian tried to fend of Kendull Jenner as Pimp Mama Kris’ newest prized heifer by doing the doody bubble pose in Love Magazine. I know, it’s about as edgy as an overused pair of safety scissors.
I was planning on having Juan Pollo for dinner tonight, but not anymore, because Kim’s legs look like two stumpy raw drumsticks in school girl socks. That picture is a whole lot of NOPE. It kind of surprises me to say that, because usually I’d scream “ELEGANCE!” while looking at a portrait of a centaur Hobbit hooker with no brows bending over in a dark alley while waiting for her next john to take his pants off.
But on a positive note, here’s another picture from the spread and this is her best picture of all-time.
And every drunken whore who’s sucked dick for a half-eaten 6 pack of Chicken McNuggets just said to themselves, “Been there, done that!”
Because McDonald’s really wants to be hit with more sexual harassment lawsuits, they have announced that for 12 days in February, hand-picked customers will be able to pay for this diarrhea-induced food by performing acts of love. The acts of love will be G-rated, apparently. HuffPo says that from February 2 to Valentine’s Day, a “Lovin’ Lead” manager from each McDonald’s will randomly pick a customer and ask them to do a “random act of lovin’” as payment. The “random acts” will include shit like calling your mom, blowing air kisses and giving hugs. THE FUCK? A hug? Gross and sappy! That’s like a Care Bear’s idea of prostitution. I’d rather suck a dick for a Coke than give a hug. Hugging is way too intimate.
McDonald’s announced their “Random Acts of Lovin’” campaign in a Super Bowl commercial (above).