Seen above looking like a short-haired Taylor Swift hitching a ride on a waxed proboscis monkey, the Daily Mail says that former celebrity and current person who plays music at parties Paris Hilton has gone and traded in her 23-year-old boyfriend River Viiperi for 18-year-old Australian model Jordan Barrett. In case you’ve forgotten, or your brain won’t allow you to remember facts about Paris Hilton (good for it), Paris Hilton is 33-year-years old. Paris Hilton has herpes sores that are closer in age to her new boyfriend that she is.
Paris and Jordan are both in Italy for Milan Fashion Week were recently seen getting close at a party on Sunday night. They’ve also been posting what looks like outtakes from a Motherboy photo shoot to Instagram, because nothing says “We’re Probably Doing It” like blurry Chris Hansen-approved Instagram selfies.
I can’t throw shade at Paris Hilton for dating a Taylor Swift-looking fetus, because you do what you gotta do when you’re a notorious skank like Paris Hilton. She probably went after an 18-year-old because he’s young enough to not remember when 1 Night in Paris was released, and yet old enough that she doesn’t go to jail. Again. That, or she’s using him to break into the lucrative world of Bar Mitzvah DJing.
And if you want to see what a thirsty old attention whore slithering up against a come-to-life Kevin doll looks like, here’s another pic of Paris and Jordan:
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
Now would be the time to light a few vanilla-scented candles and pour yourself a tall glass of pink champagne-style alcoholic beverage, because this story is all sorts of romantic and you’re going to want to set the mood right. Rapper Kevin Gates recently admitted to TMZ that he used to fuck his cousin. Like his cousin cousin, as in related to and sharing DNA with. But it wasn’t just a hit it & quit it & see you at the family reunion kind of thing. You see, Kevin is a gentleman. Kevin began dating his cousin back in 2006, but back then he didn’t know they were related. 3 months into their relationship, Kevin’s grandmother informed him that they were cousins.
Normally when you find out that you share an Ancestry.com page (more like Incestry.eww, in this case) with the person you’re humping on, you might consider calling it quits on your relationship. But not Kevin. Like I said before, Kevin is a gentleman; he continued to date his cousin for another 2 years. TWO YEARS! That’s forever in regular people time, let alone in boning your cousin time.
Kevin says he doesn’t regret getting nasty with his cousin, and claims they’re still on good terms. However, he isn’t sure how related they actually are; Kevin says he never found out whether it was his first, second, or third cousin. But it doesn’t matter, because according to Kevin, she was “good pussy”. Here, I’ll let Kevin explain it himself:
When Phylicia Rashad defended
her money Bill Cosby, she said that the evil plot to takedown a legacy is working because all of his contracts have been canceled. Phylicia was wrong. Some of Bill’s contracts remain intact, because he’s still working and is currently doing a short tour in Canada. Bill played the Budweiser Gardens in London, Ontario last night and during his show, the audience cheered when he dropped a rape joke. Oh, humanity, you always find a way to bring my face and my palm together.
A writer for The National Post, who was there last night, says that at one point during his set, a woman in the front row got up out of her seat and Bill Cosby, who looked like a gassy prairie dog, asked her where she was going. She told him she was going to the bar and asked him if he needed a drink. Bill said no and then shat up this heave-inducer: “You have to be careful about drinking around me.” The audience let out an “ooooooh” and those “ooooohs” quickly turned into claps and cheers. You know, it’s hilarious, because it may be true! Those people knew about the allegations and they still went, so the fact that I ate oatmeal with blueberries instead of a buttery PopTart for breakfast is a more shocking development than those people clapping at Bill Cosby’s rape joke.
Bill Cosby thinks he lives on a 50,000 foot high mountain of Pudding Pops and is untouchable, so of course he’d to this. Some celebrity wrecks poke fun at their “troubles” and “scandals” (see: Lindsay Lohan, etc….) by making jokes, but making rape jokes while facing lawsuits from women who claim you drugged and raped them? Who is Bill Cosby’s PR team? A pile of chewed-up and soggy Pudding Pop sticks? No, that’s not fair to say. A pile of chewed-up and soggy Pudding Pop sticks would do a better job handling this mess. What’s next? Bill’s going to replace Katherine Heigl as the new face of ZzzQuil or he’s going to try to prove that he’s still America’s wholesome father by manning the punch bowl at high school proms across the country?
This also happened at Bill’s show last night. A heckled was kicked out for screaming, “You’re a rapist,” at him.
Dear Kylie Jenner, if you don’t stop, this is going to be you real soon. Kylie Jenner probably knows that already since she’s seen this terrifying look up close and in person before.
It’s been a while since professional fame whore Backdoor Farrah has done something solely for attention. So she made up for lost time today by tweeting two pictures of her mouth job gone wrong. Farrah went to get her lips done and she ended up looking like a piranha with a massive overbite after getting beat down with a shovel. I think most ladies know that letting a back alley plastic surgeon fill your lips with foam insulation never turns out well, but Farrah warned all the ladies anyway:
Girlfriends don’t say I didn’t warn ya ! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit
TMZ says that Farrah was getting a new procedure where the doctor puts an implant in your lips. It’s supposed to be cheaper than fillers because you don’t have to get it done all the time. Farrah claims that she researched the procedure and the doctor beforehand. That was her first mistake. Farrah should have let her daughter or someone else with more than 2 working brain cells do the research for her. Farrah thinks that her lips blew up after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. It’s possible that the implant was defective too. Whatever the case may be, Farrah now looks like she went to the plastic surgeon, showed them a picture of her butt lips and said, “Make the lips on my face look like this too!” I’m all for peen sucking lips but I don’t think the lips are supposed to be bigger than the peen.
The use of the hashtag #BOTCHED makes me think that she did this on purpose to get on E!’s Botched. The answer to the question “Would Farrah Abraham go so low as to purposefully screw up her face to get on a reality show?” is: It’s Farrah Abraham.
Farrah also made fun of herself on Twitter by comparing herself to Leela from Futurama. Leela is currently in the process of suing Farrah for defamation.
And here’s another picture to stare at if you don’t want to sleep tonight:
You know, this can easily be fixed. All Farrah has to do is get a pair of extra chunky eyebrows tattooed on her face and she’d look seven shades of stunning. Jordan James Parke knows what I’m talking about.
Insert obligatory “No, but I know he’d hit me with a 2X4 and never apologize to me for it” joke here.
Future LAPD Officer Marky Mark took a little break from his I’m A Do Gooder Now national tour to get in a little family photo-op action in Barbados with his wife Rhea Durham and their kids. Marky Mark is giving you pasty buff midget prison daddy bottom. These pictures have left my fuck parts in a state of confusion. If I stare at his troll daddy body, I get a slight case of the tingles, but as soon as my eyes scroll up and see that Marky Mark’s head is attached to that body the tingles turn into the heaves. Why does that head have to be attached to that body? Butthishead!
These pictures of Marky Mark being a devoted family man and wonderful husband smells like douche fumes and PR, but I am a little surprised that he didn’t go all the way. I’m surprised he didn’t spend his Christmas in Vietnam where photographers magically caught him giving presents to children and hugging the locals. He’s probably saving that move for the week before his pardon hearing.
And in many of the photo agency pictures from Marky Mark’s vacation, his wife is doing this:
Seriously, there’s picture after picture of her showing off her ass. Oh, and she’s also popping her butt out in the pictures too.
“So I guess Riccardo had pineapple for lunch,” said Kim Kartrashian to Kanye West after smelling his breath while taking that picture.
Speaking of Riccardo Tisci, he’s probably doing the open-mouth silent cry of pain while slowly sliding down a wall, because his boo Kanye West has cheated on Givenchy with that fashion home-wrecking slut whore tramp hussy skank Balmain. Balmain let it be known today that they’re targeting the overused ass dildo demographic by making Kimye the face of their Spring 2015 menswear campaign. They look about as alive as a dried dingle clinging to a used piece of toilet paper discarded in the stall trash can of a rest stop bathroom. So what I’m saying is that they look more alive than usual.
On a positive note, it was very brave of Kummy Kakes to give us a glimpse of a fame whore succubus ritual. In the picture above, Kim is showing us the moment when a Kartrashian unlocks her jaws and swallows her victim whole before spitting out his soulless carcass. Yeah, so that’s why that picture seems so familiar to Bruce Jenner.
There’s three more pictures after the cut if you’ve got enough strength in your eye-rolling muscle.
Not content to let Bill Cosby hog the “beloved father figure-turned-awful garbage person” spotlight, America’s other dad Stephen Collins is back to talk about that time he confessed to being a child toucher during a therapy session that was secretly recorded by his ex-wife Faye Grant. Stephen released a statement to People magazine where he admits pretty much what we already know (that he was a creepy predator who molested three girls back in the day), but also provides us with some new information. Don’t worry, it’s not the kind of new information that will make you reach for a fresh bottle of brain bleach. Well, it might – but you won’t use the whole bottle this time.
Reverend Eric Camden’s gross bizarro world counterpart says that he hasn’t touched anyone in the wrong way since 1994, adding “I have not had an impulse to act out in any such way.” Stephen Collins really wants you to know that his child toucher days are behind him and he hasn’t done anything bad in 20 years. He also wants you to know it’s all his sneaky ex-wife’s fault that he’s even releasing this statement:
“Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since. I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent.”
“On the recording, I described events that took place 20, 32, and 40 years ago. The publication of the recording has resulted in assumptions and innuendos about what I did that go far beyond what actually occurred. As difficult as this is, I want people to know the truth.”
Ah, what would the “sorry not sorry” apology be without a good old fashioned throwing under the bus. Speaking of sorrys, Stephen also says he has apologized to one of his victims (who Stephen says was “extraordinarily gracious”), but that he hasn’t reached out to the other two, because he’s afraid it might make things worse for them and doesn’t want to open old wounds. Or maybe he’s just afraid of the new wound that will be opened on his face when he meets up with his adult victims and they “make things worse” with one of their fists.
Some dudes choke the chicken and others like Justin Bieber choke the cock.
Dried smegma dingle Justin Bieber shat up this picture on Instagram of him getting kinky with fellow shit head Chris Brown. I know, these two were in the same room together and nobody unleashed a hungry tiger into the room before locking the door. What is wrong with people?!
Those two really go together like an enema and a bowel full of hard shit. But who knew that Justin Bieber is the dom and Chris Brown is the sub in that relationship? These two look like they’re getting into some rough trade in the backroom of the worst S&M club ever. This is like something out of Fifty Shades of Douche. If you were browsing disgusting pictures on 4Chan (example: a picture of My Little Pony disintegrating in a jar of jizz, etc…) and laid eyes on this picture, you’d probably say, “Nope. TOO FAR.” If this picture wasn’t gross enough, the Biebs upped the grossness with this little air kiss blown at Chris Brown:
Had fun with the homey @Chrisbrownofficial
E! thinks that the picture is tasteless and insensitive since The Difficult Brown punched and choked RiRi in 2009. Did they expect anything less?
The Biebs and Fist Brown are having fun and sharing their kinky homey love on Instagram today, but we all know how this is going to play out. They’re going to break up and Fist Brown is going to accuse the Biebs of fucking Wheelchair Jimmy in Toronto.
Seen above looking like a chipmunk Dennis the Menace, Miley Cyrus is in the hospital AGAIN and surprisingly she isn’t in the hospital because she was forced into quarantine by the health department after sucking on Wonky McValtrex’s mouth muscle of nast.
TMZ says that Miley checked into the hospital yesterday after suffering some kind of wrist injury (I’m going with fap session gone wrong) and since Billy Ray’s child is the Patron Saint of Too Much Fucking Information, she Instagrammed pictures of her gaping gash. We’ve seen Miley’s nipples and have pretty much seen her cooter lips, so why not look at her flesh? The pictures of Miley’s cut open wrist don’t really gross me out, because I lived through those heave-worthy pictures of her strangling her albino beaver for Uncle Terry. I’m fully desensitized.
Miley also spent some time adding a dose of WTF to her gash picture with the help of Photoshop, because when you’re laid up in a hospital bed and riding high on a wave of painkillers, what else do you have to do? I have to say that I’m a little jealous of the doctors and nurses. Because when they opened up her cut all the way, they probably got a good high from inhaling the cloud of weed that escaped out of her body.