Well, this is…something. 32 year old father of three Scott Disick, seen above using his arms to show how big of a douchebag Scott Disick is, is apparently chasing his dead relationship with the least fame whorey (I CANNOT believe I just typed that) Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, with an 18 year old girlfriend. “Oh Scott, I knew you’d step up to the plate and give us something good to work with for the next season of KUWTK” cooed Scott’s former pimp-in-law Kris Jenner.
TMZ says Scott’s new girlfriend is a recently-legal blonde model from Canada named Lindsay Vrckovnik. They’re currently hanging out in Florida, because that’s what you do when you’re a 32 year old man who doesn’t have a job, I guess. TMZ has pictures of Scott and his new girlfriend frolicking on the beach, if that’s something you want to see.
I know there are grosser things than a 32 year old dating an 18 year old, but let’s put it into perspective. Scott’s new piece was 13 when his first kid was born. Scott was 14 when his girlfriend was born. Most importantly, Scott’s new girlfriend was barely a year old when Spice World was released. I mean, how the fuck do you relate to someone who wasn’t around when Spice World came out?
On the up side, Scott now has someone who will be there waiting in his hotel room to clean his ass up when he comes home drunk from the club, since his current girlfriend isn’t old enough to get in.
Speaking of 18 year olds who are dating grown-ass adult men with kids, here’s Scott’s former sister in law Kylie Jenner leaving a studio in Los Angeles yesterday.
It’s a slow Friday (I blame the Pope and Crying Tangerine) and when it’s a slow Friday, there’s nothing better than a story about fast food foolery. A woman in Sandusky, Ohio waltzed into the Taco Bell there and her eyeballs got the heaves when she watched an employee take his hand to ass town while on the job. The thing about putting your hands down your panties to scratch your ass cheeks in public is that someone will probably take a picture of it since people take a picture of anything nowadays and they will definitely take a picture of it if you’re working the counter at Taco Bell. The woman who took the picture is no joke, because she put it on Facebook, sent it to the local news and made sure everyone knew that you may get a little bit of butthole powder in your Crunchy Taco Supreme at the Taco Bell in Sandusky.
The picture went viral and ended up in the complaint box of the Eerie County Health Department. Butt before the health department did anything, the owner of that Taco Bell fired that ass scratcher and trained the staff to not go digging for dingles while clocked in. Taco Bell also released this statement about this important incident to ABC 12.
“This is completely unacceptable. Our franchisee took immediate action and has terminated the employee and retrained the entire staff. We want customers to know that the person in the photo was never in contact with the food, and that the Health Department inspected the restaurant and approved its operations.”
Yes, this is gross, but what Taco Bell puts between a taco shell is grosser (and yes, I still eat it.) And I’m sure their meat has so many chemicals in it that it can kill all the germs in that dude’s ass dust.
In the never-ending real-life episode of American Whorror Story: Koven, Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore powers are weakening as Kylie Jenner’s fame whore powers grow stronger, and she’s okay with that. So she says. Kim, Kylie, Khlozilla and Kendall Jenner all have apps for sale. I’m not really sure what’s in the apps, because it’s against my religious beliefs to pay $2.99 for a Kartrashian app. Kylie’s app is selling the most and so she may be well on her way to overtaking Kim’s spot as Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho.
UsWeekly says that in a segment on Kylie’s website called “You’re In Bed With Kim + Kylie” (too easy), the hollow vessels of plastic had a “conversation” (for lack of a better word) about how PMK’s youngest is close to snatching the fame whore krown off of Kim’s Botoxed mannequin head. Kim asked Kylie, “How do you feel now that you have dethroned me?” When Kylie didn’t say anything (and probably because she had just filled her Fix-A-Flat lips and couldn’t open them to speak), Kim dribbled this out:
“I love it, like, I love it. I need some time off. I mean honey, let’s be real, you’ve got to put in a few more years before you actually dethrone me. But I give my baton to you. Who better to pass on knowledge to my baby sister, rather than a random non-family member.”
Yes, Kim really needs time off, because doing absolutely nothing is exhausting. Kummy Kakes went on…
“You guys, this is amazing. I give Kylie all my tricks, I give her all my tips. I give her everything, and more. She is so, like, deserving. If I would want anyone to follow in my footsteps, anyone to borrow my clothes, anyone to like share my glam team it is Kylie, King Kylie.”
“I give her all my tips.” Why am I picturing Kim on all fours on a tarp, showing Kylie how to take a golden shower in a sex tape as Pimp Mama Kris pours lemonade on her ass? And I bet late at night in Buckingham Palace when THE QUEEN and Prince Charles are having a kiki in her bedroom, they have conversations that go exactly like that.
And here’s a SANS FARDS-ish Kylie actually looking 18 while doing stuff with PedoTurtle the other day.
The CDC has just issued a CODE RED and an expert team that handles biological threats has been put on 24-hour call, because if this rumor is true, who knows what kind of flesh-eating diseases and creatures will be unleashed on the world from Miley Cyrus licking on Dane Cook’s dick with her smegma-covered tongue.
Just a couple of months ago, Miley Cyrus was “caught” by the paps finger fucking and making out with Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. Well, a source tells UsWeekly that Miley’s finger may also be butt banging every early-aughts frat boy’s favorite comedian Dane Cook. 22-year-old Miley and 44-year-old Dane have been friends for a few years and they’ve apparently taken things from “friends” to “hump buddies.” Let’s all put on Hazmat suits and hold each other, because I know we’re all scared right now. Dane did not confirm or deny this terrifying news when E! asked him about it. He only said this:
“I’m always the last to know these things. Just let Miley know that I’ll pick her up for dinner at 8.”
I read that as an “eating out” joke and that means they’re totally fucking. I blame Mickey Mouse’s evil ass. Because it feels like everything Miley does, she does to prove to us that she’s no longer that squeaky clean, wholesome Disney star. When she rubbed her raw chicken paillard ass against Robin Thicke, we all said, “Okay, we get it.” When she posted pictures of her dyed cotton candy pube bush, we all said, “You’re edgy. Got it.” But now she’s gone TOO far by fucking Dane Cook. It’s all fun, games and cock until an all-powerful fast-mutating strain is created and destroys us all. Isn’t this how The Strain started?
Subtle has a new definition and it’s that picture.
Barely legal Kylie Jenner did a photo shoot for something called Galore Magazine and in case you couldn’t tell from the thick layer of ICK NAST covering your skin, the pictures were taken by the textbook definition of pervert Uncle Terry. If these pictures had audio, you would be able to hear Pimp Mama Kris screaming, “Whore out, Louise! Work it, own it and take those pants off before you put that tiger toy on your krotch! Too much? Yeah we should save that for Playboy.”
Speaking of PMK, last week I posted about how she’s supposedly koncerned that Tyga is using her little plastic ATM with Fix-A-Flat lips. Well, today People magically has quotes from a sores (typo and it stays, because the “sores” is probably PMK) who says that she’s all for Kylie and Tyga. I’m sure these quotes will be read when Pimp Mama Kris is once again named Pimp of the Year at the Players Ball.
“There’s not much she could say since Kylie is an adult now. Kris actually supports their relationship big time. She thinks he is the next hip hop genius of our generation and wants to do anything she can to help him succeed.”
PMK is a noted hip-hop expert and knows what she’s talking about, so I’m sure Tyga will go on to become the greatest rapper of all-time. Please, just because PMK’s stable of hos have done half of the rappers out there doesn’t mean she’s an expert hip-hop expert. And if PMK is trying to sell Tyga to the public now, that means whatever was left of his soul is in a jar in her lair and he’s her whore now.
There’s been an opening on Bill Cosby’s cheer squad ever since the former captain walked off court and slid her pom poms into the trash, and it looks like Damon Wayans wants to be that person to fill it.
Major Payne gave his thoughts on the gross situation with Bill Cosby during an appearance on New York’s 105.1 The Breakfast Club on Friday, and just like Homey D. Clown, Damon Wayans don’t play dat when it comes to the sexual assault allegations. Damon Wayans thinks poor Bill Cosby is being hustled by a bunch of bitter bitches who are mad that the Jell-O pudding pop in his pants has gone soft. Yes, really. He also claimed that some of the women who came forward are obviously lying because they’re, according to Damon Wayans, “unrapeable.” Coach, please come get your dad.
I know, what a shocker, right? Gross garbage person is still gross. Okay, so I know you probably just got your gag reflex to finally calm down and end the violent dry heaves you got after watching Tyga’s video for “Stimulated” starring his 18-year-old girlfriend and current reason for relevancy, Kylie Jenner. But you better go grab some Pepto, because Tyga once again did something that will make you feel like you ate some bad clams. (Note: Bad Klams sounds like an all-Kardashian parody of Bad Blood).
While Khloe Kardashian was making the internet feel uncomfortable by reminding everyone that she once got a tattoo that said “Daddy” right above her ass, her little sister’s boyfriend was making people feel uncomfortable in real life. According to TMZ, Tyga performed at something called the First Slice Media Party last night, which is apparently the world’s largest pizza festival. Dear pizza: Are you that hard up for talent that Tyga is the best you could get? You’re pizza – have some respect for yourself. Anyways, Tyga clearly didn’t want any of that pizza to stay inside people’s stomachs for very long, because he uttered the barf-making words “Where all the little girls at?” before performing “Loyal.”
Some people (TMZ) thinks he’s saying “little” and some people think he’s saying “loyal“, but I’ll let you be the judge. Here’s the video of it. The exact moment that Chris Hansen’s pedo sense started tingling happens around the 0:17 mark.
I want to believe that Tyga was trolling people with his gross ways, but I don’t know. He could be saying “loyal” and he could be saying “little.” Although I wouldn’t be surprised if he was legitimately asking if there were any under 18 types in the audience who would be willing to wait on standby for him, because really, it’s only a matter of time before Kris Jenner finds someone less broke for Kim Jr. and has him written out of KUWTK.
Tyga’s “Stimulated” is probably the most-played song on Woody Allen’s Spotify playlist thanks to lyrics like “They say she young/ I should’ve waited/ She a big girl, dog when she stimulated.” That song made us all scream for an adult and well, start lubricating your tonsils, because you’ll be screaming for an adult again if you choose to watch the video for it.
Tyga has reportedly been sued by his former landlord for over $70,000 in back rent. Well, his former landlord will take comfort in knowing that it looks like Tyga didn’t drop much money into his video. The video for “Stimulated” looks like it was shot on an iPhone 3G in an empty house that a realtor let him use for 30 minutes. Tyga didn’t even have enough money in his non-budget to furnish that house with some Rent-A-Center shit. But I guess the video isn’t really about the house. It’s more about showcasing Tyga’s poetic lyrics, which he writes in a notebook like a true artist, and it’s also about him using Kylie Jenner to get more attention. (And I’m falling for it AGAIN.) Kylie makes an appearance and gets into some awkward hugging and kissing shit with the creepy gecko on a balcony.
I watched this wreck the whole way through, because: 1) I hate myself to the core and; 2) I kept waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out. Chris Hansen disappointed us all.
I will hand one thing (besides a GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL card) to Tyga. “Stimulated” samples Robert Miles’ “Children” and that’s really fitting.
And here’s Tyga and Kylie, who is probably wearing one of Blac Chyna’s old wigs, at the VMAs last night.
Robin Thicke Wanted Miley Cyrus As Naked As Possible For Their MTV VMAs Performance, So Says Miley Cyrus
After a thick layer of vomit covered our eyeballs from watching a cracked-out bootleg Harley Quinn scoot her chicken paillard ass against the crotch of Beetledouche, Robin Thicke tried to act like he was all innocent and had no idea that Miley Cyrus was going to dry hump his dick with her butt. The tampon in aviators said at the time that he wasn’t even paying attention and was looking up when Miley’s ass cheeks became one with his crotch. But Miley says otherwise.
In the same New York Times interview where declared that she’s a master statistic knower, The pansexual genderqueer chipmunk says that Robin knew exactly what was going to happen during their 2013 VMAs performance and she also says that he would’ve been happier if she took the stage in a whole lot of nothing:
“I didn’t really know him too much before, and I don’t really know him now. It was funny, because I got so much of the heat for it, but that’s just being a woman. He acted like he didn’t know that was going to happen. You were in rehearsals! You knew exactly what was going to happen. And he was actually the one that approved my outfit, so I thought that was very funny. He wanted me as naked as possible, because that’s how his video was. It was very much a collaboration. My part — ‘We Can’t Stop’ — was all me. But when it went into ‘Blurred Lines,’ that was his performance.”
The outfit that Miley wore during that performance is demure and conservative compared to what she wears (or doesn’t wear) today. Today, that outfit would be considered her “going to Sunday morning mass at a Catholic church full of strict abuelitas” outfit. I’m not exactly clutching my anal beads in shock over Miley saying that Robin played dumb, but what I want to know is, who approved his busted suit? Because that is the ho who needs to be tried for their sins.
And here’s the breathing epitome of smarmy in NYC on Wednesday.
Pics: Splash, Getty
What’s that old saying? When life hands you a molestation confession, milk it and get those ratings with a 1-hour documentary on sex abuse? TLC is doing just that.
When TLC announced that they had finally canceled 19 Kids and Counting, they also said that they weren’t done with the Duggars just yet. They said that they were working on a special about child sexual abuse and that the Duggars, including two of Josh Duggar’s victims Jill and Jessa, would take part in it. Well, they actually did the special and announced today that it will air on August 30th. Because TLC doesn’t want to totally look like soulless money grubbers, they are airing the special without commercials.
HuffPo says that TLC worked with the anti-abuse organizations RAINN and Darkness to Light to make the special titled Breaking The Silence. Josh’s face is probably not going to be in it, but Jill and Jessa are in it.
Viewers will also hear from experts, including a prevention training session conducted by Darkness to Light that is attended by Jill and Jessa, two of the Duggar sisters who have publicly spoken of being molested in their youth by their brother Josh. He has never been arrested or charged in connection with the molestations.
Even though the special will air without commercials, I fully expect to see a scene where Jim Bob Duggar talks about the child touching safeguards (aka a bible, just a bible, sold exclusively on the Duggar website) they put in place as well as a scene where Michelle Duggar talks about how much Josh has been through while making laundry detergent using The Duggar Family Homemade Laundry Detergent Kit® (sold exclusively at Walmart).
Pic: Fox News