Color me shocked! Gretchen Carlson had to be the unfortunate #metoo canary down the Fox News coal mine after she came out swinging – and winning $20 million – in her case against Roger Ailes for being a predator who made women’s lives at the company a living hell. Gretchen is now head of the Miss America pageant and cleaning it up, and I figured she’d just ride off into the sunset to count her cash and burn the now-eliminated bikinis from her pageants. Not so fast. Miss America is in a case of martial pageant law, and they’re making a movie about #metoo at Fox News – and Gretch doesn’t like how the movie at all.
It is fucking anarchy over at the Miss America Pageant. Deadline is reporting that, after a bunch of states tried organizing a “revolt” against the leadership of the Miss America Organization, the organization has decided to terminate the licenses of four states and then threatened another 15 with probation! Probation?! Is this jail? Is this the court system? Buckle up for this high-octane drama.
As a Southerner, I can confirm every girl in my neighborhood grew up learning how to twirl a baton, tease their hair, and quote the Bible while strutting down a catwalk in a two-piece bathing suit all in the quest to one day be Miss America. Well, things have changed a lot since the Stone Age when I grew up, and, in the era of #MeToo and Gretchen Carlson taking over the leadership role at Miss America, that meant getting rid of the swimsuit competition within the pageant and focusing on “important” issues. Lucky for us, Miss Michigan Emily Sioma brought up the Flint water crisis that gave everyone a case of the “OH SNAP!” that was far more entertaining than any bikini.
Every former Miss Kentucky that works at Fox News has most definitely been taking bets in the break room over what “LIBERAL ELITE MOONBAT HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITY!” would play her in the upcoming movie about the women of Fox News and how they dealt with Roger Ailes. While I still think Snooki should play Kimberly Guilfoyle (no offense, Snook), we at least know who two Fox alums will be portrayed by. Y’all already knew that Charlize Theron has been rehearsing “Santa is white…get over it” for a while now to get into her part as Megyn Kelly, but now you’ll get to see Nicole Kidman at Gretchen Carlson because, um, I guess if you have glaucoma, those two look alike?
Fox News is going to rue the day they ever fucked around with Gretchen Carlson because she’s now in charge of the talent pipeline that feeds into 80% of the channel’s payroll: the Miss America pageant, er, competition! Gretchen went on Good Morning America this morning to say it’s no longer a beauty pageant. Miss America is a competition to see who is smart and a great leader, and that means the whole Victoria’s Secret Lite swimsuit competition is scrapped in favor of a live session with the judges. But, but, but, Gretch! If you take away the swimsuit competition, how is your former employer supposed to know the cup size of its future political commentators?? Continue reading
The people who run the Miss America pageant might have taken communication classes from the former owner of the Miss Universe pageant. Yesterday, The Huffington Post published notes from three years worth of emails sent between Miss America CEO Sam Haskell (you never can trust a Haskell). Many of the emails were rude and/or sexist.
One email chain in question dates back to 2014 between Sam and pageant writer Lewis Friedman. Sam informs Lewis that the title of “Forever Miss America” would be changed to “Former Miss America.” Lewis writes back that he changed “Forever” to “Cunts,” and asking “Does that work for you?“. If Sam wasn’t a gross piece of trash, he might have walked to Lewis’ office and told him to pack his shit and get out, but that didn’t happen. Sam allegedly responded by saying, “Perfect…bahahaha.”