I’m not being sarcastic – this is actual breaking, important news! The Dickensian street urchin half of the two-headed Michelle Tanner billionaire beast, Mary-Kate Olsen, has recently come forward to bravely confirm what everyone with a pair of eyes and a knowledge of cartoon hobos already knew: that she didn’t know how to brush her hair. Duh times Duh divided by Duh to the power of No Shit.
During an interview with Elle Magazine to promote their new perfumes, Nirvana White and Nirvana Black (I’ve smelled them both, and sadly, they smell like neither Uncle Jesse nor The Rippers) MK and Ashley Olsen were asked if they have any beauty talents, you know, besides bagging rich-ass husbands and scurring the poop pellets out of our forrest friends:
Ashley: “My friend actually also made me cut her hair the other day and that didn’t look too bad either. She made me do it, but it looks great.”
Mary-Kate: “You know, the truth is I feel like I just learned how to brush my hair like last week!”
Next comes washing hair, switching from baby wipes to real showers, and once you’ve mastered those, learning how to smile without looking like a gremlin. But we’ll see; baby steps. Tiny Olsen-sized baby steps. But I’ll be honest, I’m not hopeful; years of forcing her lips into the prune position have no doubt destroyed her secondary jaw muscles.
Now please, let’s all join hands and bust out a prayer for the poor brush who sacrificed itself for the greater good of humanity by volunteering to tackle that tangled mess of hair-style straw. See you at tha crossrooooooooads.
I get the kind of hots from greasy-grimy dudes that make you wanna leave everything behind and move into a communal yurt and raise a family of stray dogs, so last night was doing all kinds of right for me. Some guys chose to rock the classic greasy bro-ponytail (also known as The Brad Pitt), like Jared Leto, while others went for a more sophisticated messy clip-laden hair nest, like Alex Ebert (who won Best Original Score for the film All Is Lost), and some picked the 3rd Day Dirt bun, like Rashida Jones. I know that last one’s a girl, but she schooled those fools on how to work a greasy bun without looking like you’re waiting in line for over-eager teenage Christians to hand you a sandwich from the Sunrise Baptist Outreach bus (aka very homeless). But you can’t talk about any of these itchy-scalp-having hoes without mentioning the OG of filthy hair, MC Bedbugs himself, Joaquin Phoenix, who managed to slip past the red carpet photographers like a well-dressed Sasquatch and only one clear picture of him was taken.
It’s so hard to choose, but if I had to, my pick of the night goes to Alex Ebert and his hair nest. Kudos to this stylist who artfully balanced filth and ew in a stinky-looking pile with the same claw clips I begged my mom for in 1997. Speaking of 1997, his date is giving such face-body-face-with-too-much-Wet n’ Wild-makeup that I mistook her for Christine Smith, the sluttiest girl in 8th grade. I believe she was wearing a similar Contempo Casuals outfit on the night she was suspended for hoochie-dancing to No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” with 3 guys at a school dance. I mean, I didn’t see it – I was busy bragging to my friends in the bathroom about how I only wear my retainer at night now – but I heard it was very slutty.