In case you were wondering whether or not Justin Bieber was still in a long-term committed relationship with the alopecic caterpillar that lives on his upper lip (Stephen Baldwin’s daughter is just his side-piece), this picture should answer your question. And for those of you wondering if that’s tape wrapped around his ring to make it fit, yes it is. Although I didn’t have to tell you that, since I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge that big boy pinky rings only come in adult sizes.
I’d like to think that at least one person in Justin Bieber’s life tried to talk him into shaving that horrible patch of teen stache hairs off his face before the Grammys last night, but that might be giving too much credit to Bieber’s hanger on-ers. Or maybe they were too afraid that if they spoke up and told Justin Bieber he looked like Aaron Carter’s long-lost dirtbag twin brother, he might channel “the old Bieber” and slap them to within an inch of naptime.
Either way, someone let him out of the clubhouse last night looking like a sleazy elf, and that’s a choice they’ll have to live with. Maybe they can get together with the person who told Bieber to bust out some Ashlee Simpson-meets-Ministry of Silly Walks dance moves during his performance of “Where Are Ü Now.”
I can see why people are askaird of the “old Bieber” – did you see how he threw that guitar down at the end of “Love Yourself“? It almost broke! Speaking of people who are clearly ten times harder than old Bieber, here’s Justin and his little brother Jaxon walking the red carpet. I don’t know if Jaxon said anything on the red carpet, but his eyes look like they’re saying: “If anyone asks, I came with…I dunno, anyone but you. Got it?”
Adele’s album 25 Trillion Sold And Counting missed the Grammys nomination eligibility cut-off for 2015, so next year will be its year. Expect the 2017 Grammys to be one long Adele appreciation ceremony where Adele will host, produce, sing in every performance, win every category and the In Memoriam section will be filled with everybody who released an album in 2016 since her sales killed them all. Last night, Adele gave a little preview of next year’s Grammys by performing “All I Ask” and it was an off-key and technical mess.
The only thing that could mentally prepare my brain for three-and-a-half hours of Taylor Swift pageant queen hugging everyone during last night’s feels-like-FOREVER experience (aka the Grammys) was knowing that at some point in time, Rihanna would come out and save us all by tapping her pussy along to the time during a performance of “Work“. For days leading up to the Grammys, I’d go to my happy place and picture RiRi ripping two giant hits off a bong packed with space weed before slipping into some slutty business wear from Men’s Whorehouse. Sadly, I never got my reward for sitting through that mess, because RiRi was at home in a pile of phlegm-covered tissues.
A few hours before RiRi was set to slither onto the red carpet, TMZ announced that she had cancelled, and it was all because she was fighting with that skanky bitch bronchitis for a few days before the Grammys. According to Billboard, she was scheduled to perform “Kiss It Better” and was pounding antibiotics (“How ironic” said her album) to get rid of it, but it didn’t kill the infection fast enough. RiRi’s doctor told her she was at risk of hemorrhaging her vocal cords and put her on vocal rest for 48 hours. It wasn’t all shitty though; RiRi did show up for rehearsals, and a source claims Princess Ooh Na Na “killed it.”
Shortly after it was announced she wouldn’t be there, RiRi took to Twitter and apologized to her fans for her no-show.
#NAVY so sorry I couldn't be there ….. Thanks Grammys and CBS for your support tonight.
— Rihanna (@rihanna) February 16, 2016
Succinct? Polite? No shade? Damn, Rihanna is sick.
Rihanna barely gives any fucks on a good day, so I’m surprised she didn’t respond to her doctor by shrugging and writing “Eh, I’m gonna do it anyway” on a white board. A performance is more than singing, after all (see: whatever Lady Gaga was doing last night). RiRi could have been rolled out on stage in a hospital bed by a dozen strippers while playing “Kiss It Better” on a Panasonic CD boombox, and it still would have been better than half the performances from last night. Not to mention that you know RiRi would work the hell out of an assless hospital gown.
Because the Grammys truly award the best in music (served on a bed of sarcasm), Taylor Swift beat Kendrick Lamar and Alabama Shakes for Album of the Year. It’s the second time that Taylor has won Album of the Year. I was waiting all night for Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms to slap at Kanye West and I thought that during her performance, she was going to dance around a bonfire of flaming Yeezys. But Taylor waited until her speech.
While stealing melon cat’s signature look, Taylor pretty much responded to Kanye’s song where he raps the lyrics: “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.” Kanye claimed in one of his tweet rants of delusion that Taylor gave him the thumbs up to use the lyrics and even came up with it. Tay Tay’s rep shat on Kanye’s claim, and at the Grammys tonight, she made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t into those lyrics. I would’ve been into Taylor spitting out a simple, “Fuck you, Kanye, I wouldn’t even finger you with Freddy Krueger’s glove” but she went the girl power route instead. She gave a speech that she totally rehearsed at least 24 times in front of her cats and was probably co-written by Lena Dunham.
And if you can’t or don’t want to watch that video, here’s what she said and yes, I too kept waiting for her to say, “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and doggone it, people like you!”
“As the first woman to win Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there, there are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success, take credit for your accomplishments, or your fame, but if you just focus on the work and you don’t let those people sidetrack you, some day when you get where you’re going, you’ll look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there. And that will be the greatest feeling in the world. Thank you for this moment.”
Meanwhile, a confused Kanye West probably watched that speech and wondered why Taylor Swift didn’t thank him because she would’ve never won that award if it wasn’t for him making her famous.
Lady Gaga’s Intel commercial/Tribute to Lady Gaga/David Bowie impersonation act at the Grammys tonight started out good for me and I’m not even stoned. I was into Intel showing us brand new technology by projecting an emo kid’s screensaver from the early aughts onto her face and then it went off the rails and turned into a glitter-covered jumbled manic mess.
I didn’t think that Lady CaCa’s tribute to David Bowie would be so damn literal. She went all drag king by trying to impersonate him. But Gaga’s Bowie looked more like a ginger Liberace impersonator doing Elvis on acid or Angie Bowie as Jim Carrey as The Riddler. If the Grammys wanted someone to do an impeccable David Bowie impersonation, they should’ve gotten Jessica Lange to do the A+++ she one did in American Horror Story: Freak Show.
They shoved way too may songs in there that it was like a spastic CliffNotes version of David Bowie’s greatest hits. If you gave Liza Minnelli a whole bunch of meth and played a bunch of sped-up David Bowie songs and asked her to dance to them, she would look like Gaga at the Grammys tonight.
You know, it was such a chaotic mess that David Bowie may have loved every messy second of it. His son however….
"overexcited or irrational, typically as a result of infatuation or excessive enthusiasm; mentally confused." Damn it! What IS that word!?
— Duncan Jones (@ManMadeMoon) February 16, 2016
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty
Expect dehydrated praying mantis Giuliana Rancic to say on Fashion Police that Zendaya looks like she smells like Miley Cyrus’ farts and Corn Pops. Because Zendaya gave us Billy Ray Cyrus messiness at the Grammys tonight. It looks like she had enough roadkill on her head to feed the entire Cyrus family and them some at Thanksgiving.
When I first saw Zendaya on the red carpet, I only saw her from the front and thought she was wearing a $3 Justin Bieber circa 2009 wig, but then she turned around and gave me a view of the luscious beaver party in the back. She looked like the kind of hot piece that Aileen Wuornos would try to pick up in a Florida gay bar.
Some people thought that Zendaya was paying tribute to David Bowie’s Goblin King with that mullet (cut to David Bowie throwing an ultra graceful “bitch, please” look) but she told Entertainment Tonight she just wanted to be different.
“This hair was actually kind of an out-of-the-blue type hair. I wanted to do the short blonde, but I wanted to do something different, so I was like, ‘Let’s do a mullet! I’m like, ‘Why not?’ “I wanted to bring that feel into it. It’s kind of like a throwback a little bit.”
That’s not what happened. Zendaya and her stylist probably read Kanye West’s tweets together and she bet that he would soon say he was hacked and delete all those tweets. Zendaya’s stylist said fuck no and they made a bet. If Zendaya lost she had to go to the Grammys dressed up like Joe Dirt emceeing a lounge show at a fourth-rate Las Vegas casino. We all know who lost that bet.
Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com