Does he not still have that vampire costume from Dark Shadows? “Yeah, no. I don’t. Even I don’t want to be reminded about that mess” whispered Johnny Depp.
When I heard the words “And later on in the show, a performance by the Hollywood Vampires” during a commercial break last night, my first instinct was to run and grab my second-hand embarrassment snuggie. Sure, it’s just an old Popples sleeping bag that I’ve rigged to cut off all light and sound for when shit gets too humiliating, but it gets the job done. And when faced with the possibility of watching Johnny Depp define desperate cool dad in front of millions, I don’t want to take any chances.
I don’t know if Johnny Depp is the Hollywood Vampires’ mascot or what, but he should be. Nothing says “A sinister being has drained me of my hotness” like Johnny Depp’s face. But I will say this: the Hollywood Vampires’ pseudo-tribute to Lemmy wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Their performance was kind of like watching Johnny Depp, Joe Perry, Alice Cooper, and Duff McKaagan play Rock Band in the 7th layer of Hell, and that’s not the worst, right?
The good news is that if the Hollywood Vampires go on tour, they’ll always have a place to stay in Australia. While shuffling along the red carpet last night, Johnny admitted/mumbled to 7 News Sydney that Barnaby Joyce – Australia’s Minister of Agriculture and the dude who threatened to send Boo and Pistol Depp to the Rainbow Bridge – recently offered to let him stay at his house. Yikes, be careful what you wish for, Barnaby. You’ll need every environmental scientist in Australia on hand to quarantine the critters Johnny Depp leaves behind in your bed sheets.
RiRi wasn’t the only one who pressed the stop button on her Grammys performance before it even started. Lauryn Hill did too. But while RiRi blamed bronchitis (uh huh, more like weedthroatitis) for keeping her down, Lauryn Hill blamed miscommunication. The miscommunication being that nobody told the Grammy people that Lauryn Hill is as unpredictable as a cokehead’s cum shot. Sometime it shows up right away and you’re surprised, and other times you jerk the peen for hours and it still doesn’t show up.
According to Recording Academy president Neil Portnow, Lauryn was supposed to perform with auto-correct’s enemy The Weeknd during the Grammys last night. But when he took the stage, Lauryn was nowhere on it. Lauryn’s duet with The Weeknd was supposed to be a surprise, but it wasn’t much a surprise since a picture of them rehearsing together leaked yesterday morning.
In case you were wondering whether or not Justin Bieber was still in a long-term committed relationship with the alopecic caterpillar that lives on his upper lip (Stephen Baldwin’s daughter is just his side-piece), this picture should answer your question. And for those of you wondering if that’s tape wrapped around his ring to make it fit, yes it is. Although I didn’t have to tell you that, since I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge that big boy pinky rings only come in adult sizes.
I’d like to think that at least one person in Justin Bieber’s life tried to talk him into shaving that horrible patch of teen stache hairs off his face before the Grammys last night, but that might be giving too much credit to Bieber’s hanger on-ers. Or maybe they were too afraid that if they spoke up and told Justin Bieber he looked like Aaron Carter’s long-lost dirtbag twin brother, he might channel “the old Bieber” and slap them to within an inch of naptime.
Either way, someone let him out of the clubhouse last night looking like a sleazy elf, and that’s a choice they’ll have to live with. Maybe they can get together with the person who told Bieber to bust out some Ashlee Simpson-meets-Ministry of Silly Walks dance moves during his performance of “Where Are Ü Now.”
I can see why people are askaird of the “old Bieber” – did you see how he threw that guitar down at the end of “Love Yourself“? It almost broke! Speaking of people who are clearly ten times harder than old Bieber, here’s Justin and his little brother Jaxon walking the red carpet. I don’t know if Jaxon said anything on the red carpet, but his eyes look like they’re saying: “If anyone asks, I came with…I dunno, anyone but you. Got it?”
Adele’s album 25 Trillion Sold And Counting missed the Grammys nomination eligibility cut-off for 2015, so next year will be its year. Expect the 2017 Grammys to be one long Adele appreciation ceremony where Adele will host, produce, sing in every performance, win every category and the In Memoriam section will be filled with everybody who released an album in 2016 since her sales killed them all. Last night, Adele gave a little preview of next year’s Grammys by performing “All I Ask” and it was an off-key and technical mess.
The only thing that could mentally prepare my brain for three-and-a-half hours of Taylor Swift pageant queen hugging everyone during last night’s feels-like-FOREVER experience (aka the Grammys) was knowing that at some point in time, Rihanna would come out and save us all by tapping her pussy along to the time during a performance of “Work“. For days leading up to the Grammys, I’d go to my happy place and picture RiRi ripping two giant hits off a bong packed with space weed before slipping into some slutty business wear from Men’s Whorehouse. Sadly, I never got my reward for sitting through that mess, because RiRi was at home in a pile of phlegm-covered tissues.
A few hours before RiRi was set to slither onto the red carpet, TMZ announced that she had cancelled, and it was all because she was fighting with that skanky bitch bronchitis for a few days before the Grammys. According to Billboard, she was scheduled to perform “Kiss It Better” and was pounding antibiotics (“How ironic” said her album) to get rid of it, but it didn’t kill the infection fast enough. RiRi’s doctor told her she was at risk of hemorrhaging her vocal cords and put her on vocal rest for 48 hours. It wasn’t all shitty though; RiRi did show up for rehearsals, and a source claims Princess Ooh Na Na “killed it.”
Shortly after it was announced she wouldn’t be there, RiRi took to Twitter and apologized to her fans for her no-show.
#NAVY so sorry I couldn't be there ….. Thanks Grammys and CBS for your support tonight.
— Rihanna (@rihanna) February 16, 2016
Succinct? Polite? No shade? Damn, Rihanna is sick.
Rihanna barely gives any fucks on a good day, so I’m surprised she didn’t respond to her doctor by shrugging and writing “Eh, I’m gonna do it anyway” on a white board. A performance is more than singing, after all (see: whatever Lady Gaga was doing last night). RiRi could have been rolled out on stage in a hospital bed by a dozen strippers while playing “Kiss It Better” on a Panasonic CD boombox, and it still would have been better than half the performances from last night. Not to mention that you know RiRi would work the hell out of an assless hospital gown.
Because the Grammys truly award the best in music (served on a bed of sarcasm), Taylor Swift beat Kendrick Lamar and Alabama Shakes for Album of the Year. It’s the second time that Taylor has won Album of the Year. I was waiting all night for Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms to slap at Kanye West and I thought that during her performance, she was going to dance around a bonfire of flaming Yeezys. But Taylor waited until her speech.
While stealing melon cat’s signature look, Taylor pretty much responded to Kanye’s song where he raps the lyrics: “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.” Kanye claimed in one of his tweet rants of delusion that Taylor gave him the thumbs up to use the lyrics and even came up with it. Tay Tay’s rep shat on Kanye’s claim, and at the Grammys tonight, she made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t into those lyrics. I would’ve been into Taylor spitting out a simple, “Fuck you, Kanye, I wouldn’t even finger you with Freddy Krueger’s glove” but she went the girl power route instead. She gave a speech that she totally rehearsed at least 24 times in front of her cats and was probably co-written by Lena Dunham.
And if you can’t or don’t want to watch that video, here’s what she said and yes, I too kept waiting for her to say, “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and doggone it, people like you!”
“As the first woman to win Album of the Year at the Grammys twice, I want to say to all the young women out there, there are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success, take credit for your accomplishments, or your fame, but if you just focus on the work and you don’t let those people sidetrack you, some day when you get where you’re going, you’ll look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there. And that will be the greatest feeling in the world. Thank you for this moment.”
Meanwhile, a confused Kanye West probably watched that speech and wondered why Taylor Swift didn’t thank him because she would’ve never won that award if it wasn’t for him making her famous.