The nominations for the 59th Grammy Awards were announced this morning, and to the shock of absolutely no one except maybe a Mormon granny who’s been on a quilting retreat for the past 12 months, both Beyonce and Adele got a lot of nominations. Beyonce got 9 and Adele got 5. Oh, and some other people got nominated for awards too. For example, human UTIs The Chainsmokers got a nomination for Best New Artist. The Grammys are in February, which means The Chainsmokers only have two months to get matching custom-made suits fitted with a vape holder, flask holster, coke pocket, and automatic crotch mister connected to a colostomy bag filled with Diesel cologne.
I want to make a joke about how Beyonce probably shouldn’t expect Adele to repeat that tender moment on Grammys night since they’ll both be too busy shooting sharpened eye-daggers at each other every time one of the categories they’re nominated in comes up. But I highly doubt that’s how it’s going to go. The opposite of that will probably happen. They’ll probably spend the whole night trying to pawn their awards off on each other, because the muscles in their forearms are probably so exhausted from holding so many trophies over the years. “No, I insist – you go get this one. I’ve got far too many at home.”
All the nominations are here, but a lot are after the cut. If your name is Taylor Swift, you might want to skip the past the Best Rap/Sung Performance category unless you want rage by reading that Kanye West got a nomination for Famous.
“Tears On My Double-Double” is my favorite Adele song that never was.
The morning after the Grammys, a few piano mics were burned and their ashes were dumped in a landfill. Their family members didn’t even get to have a proper burial, because they brought shame upon this world by screwing up Adele’s Grammys performance. Adele’s performance was filled with sound mess-ups and pitchiness. She said on Twitter that it all went to shit after mics fell onto the piano strings. Adele took herself to In-N-Out afterward, because nothing eases the hurt like sticking your tongue between the soft buns of a Double-Double.
The third greatest singer in the universe (after Celine Dion and Icy Spicy Leoncie, of course) went on Ellen (the episode airs today) and talked about the glitch heard around the planet. Adele blamed it on the mic drop (and not a good kind of mic drop) and said that when that happened, she knew her performance was doomed. Adele also said she was pitchy, but she’s usually always pitchy. She cried about it afterward, but said that she would’ve cried even if it was an amazing performance. Adele is a cry-inducing crier! The video of Adele talking about her Grammy woes to Ellen DeGeneres is after the cut.
Is Tidal giving its “part owners” some kind of Tidal fever that is making them go crazy? Kanye West has been crazier than usual, Madonna has maybe-hired a PI to follow her son around and Calvin Harris’ brain is obviously not right since he’s posting sappy shit like this. And now, TMZ says that RiRi had a meltdown at the Grammys. Tidal is destroying lives!
RiRi was supposed to goat yodel out “Kiss It Better” during the Grammys on Monday night, but at the very last minute, she hit the QUIT THIS BITCH button and canceled her performance. RiRi left the show and didn’t even sit in the audience. The official excuse was that RiRi had bronchitis and her doctor told her that if she didn’t rest her voice for 48 hours, she’d risk messing up her vocal cords. RiRi’s rep claimed that she was taking antibiotics for 3 days before the Grammys but that crap didn’t work. Now, TMZ is hearing something different….
Sources say that RiRi was “screaming and hysterical” before she sashayed out of the exit door with Lauryn Hill. Apparently, some people are throwing suspicious looks over the claims that RiRi was having issues with her vocal cords. Some say she sounded fine during rehearsals and she also sang 2 nights before the Grammys at the 2016 MusiCares Person of the Year honoring Lionel Richie event (video below). She was apparently also not happy with the way things were going during rehearsals for the Grammys.
So, WHO TO BELIEVE?!
Maybe she really did have the sicks and was over it. Maybe she was over all the sound mess-ups. Maybe she wanted to do a last-minute Vanity tribute by performing “Wet Dream” and when the cold-hearted Grammy hos said no, she picked up her purse and left. Maybe she heard who won Album of the Year and quit on the spot, because she wanted nothing to do with that wreck of a show. Or maybe when she went to her dressing room, she discovered that they didn’t provide her with her weed strain of choice. Anybody would scream and get hysterical over that.
Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.
If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.
I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.
With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.
Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.
Does he not still have that vampire costume from Dark Shadows? “Yeah, no. I don’t. Even I don’t want to be reminded about that mess” whispered Johnny Depp.
When I heard the words “And later on in the show, a performance by the Hollywood Vampires” during a commercial break last night, my first instinct was to run and grab my second-hand embarrassment snuggie. Sure, it’s just an old Popples sleeping bag that I’ve rigged to cut off all light and sound for when shit gets too humiliating, but it gets the job done. And when faced with the possibility of watching Johnny Depp define desperate cool dad in front of millions, I don’t want to take any chances.
I don’t know if Johnny Depp is the Hollywood Vampires’ mascot or what, but he should be. Nothing says “A sinister being has drained me of my hotness” like Johnny Depp’s face. But I will say this: the Hollywood Vampires’ pseudo-tribute to Lemmy wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Their performance was kind of like watching Johnny Depp, Joe Perry, Alice Cooper, and Duff McKaagan play Rock Band in the 7th layer of Hell, and that’s not the worst, right?
The good news is that if the Hollywood Vampires go on tour, they’ll always have a place to stay in Australia. While shuffling along the red carpet last night, Johnny admitted/mumbled to 7 News Sydney that Barnaby Joyce – Australia’s Minister of Agriculture and the dude who threatened to send Boo and Pistol Depp to the Rainbow Bridge – recently offered to let him stay at his house. Yikes, be careful what you wish for, Barnaby. You’ll need every environmental scientist in Australia on hand to quarantine the critters Johnny Depp leaves behind in your bed sheets.
RiRi wasn’t the only one who pressed the stop button on her Grammys performance before it even started. Lauryn Hill did too. But while RiRi blamed bronchitis (uh huh, more like weedthroatitis) for keeping her down, Lauryn Hill blamed miscommunication. The miscommunication being that nobody told the Grammy people that Lauryn Hill is as unpredictable as a cokehead’s cum shot. Sometime it shows up right away and you’re surprised, and other times you jerk the peen for hours and it still doesn’t show up.
According to Recording Academy president Neil Portnow, Lauryn was supposed to perform with auto-correct’s enemy The Weeknd during the Grammys last night. But when he took the stage, Lauryn was nowhere on it. Lauryn’s duet with The Weeknd was supposed to be a surprise, but it wasn’t much a surprise since a picture of them rehearsing together leaked yesterday morning.