When you’re a naive 9-year-old and you’re jammin’ in your jammies to “Pull Up To The Bumper” by the legendary Grace Jones, you might not realize until, I don’t know, 15-20 years later, that that song is HELLA dirty. And then you’re all like, “Oh snap, bumper…doesn’t mean like car bumper and the big black limousine is… Oh no she didn’t!” Well, it’s Grace Jones so of course she did. Now I finally figured out what “PUTTB” is about, but all these years later I’m still scratching my head over “Nipple to the Bottle.” But it really doesn’t matter. I’m happy to just jam in my jammies while Grace gives me life.
Grace, who is 69 (69! Your memaw could never) was at the TIFF premiere of the documentary about herself called Grace Jones: Bloodlight and Bami yesterday. She showed up looking like she just put her third billionaire husband in the ground and had to hurry up about it because she had another party immediately following the reading of the will. And yes, in this scenario, she got EVERYTHING, naturally.
Nobody, I mean NO. BOD. Y. gives face like Grace, and she’s serving it up to you on a silver platter held by her own personal coke valet. This bitch is iconic.
Okay, now before you go and start researching new planets to live on (since a world in which intergalactic goddess Grace Jones is shown anything less than enthusiastic worship is clearly doomed), let’s just keep in mind that this story is courtesy of The Sun. So let’s just say you should probably grab a couple grains of salt before you grab the number of a real estate on Blorg 6.
According to The Sun (via OK!), singing hipster elves One Direction recently got Grace Jones ejected from an appearance on The Jonathan Ross Show. The episode, which was taped earlier in the week and scheduled to air this evening, was supposed to feature 1D and Grace together. But a source claims they were afraid Grace would “overshadow” their appearance (true), so they had her name crossed off the call sheet.
Grace was apparently super pissed when she found out, because she traveled from Jamaica to London specifically for the taping, and that “it showed a complete lack of respect from young guys.” To make up for it, the source says Grace Jones was offered an appearance on Alan Carr: Chatty Man.
Of course, a spokesperson for One Direction is side-eyeing The Sun’s story and told OK! that 1D had nothing to do with Grace being cut from the show, adding that “it wasn’t even discussed with them.” Okay, but if they really wanted to avoid karmic retribution from the ageless icon gods, their publicist should have added: “…in fact, they’re incredibly bummed out that some tacky jerk would deny them the privilege of sharing a seat on that yellow sofa with THE Grace Jones. Yes, even Zayn Malik is sad. He’s not even in the band anymore, and he’s sad too.”
Here are the people who are currently holding the No. 1 spot on Grace Jones’ shit list (and possible recipients of a future read) during a sound check and performance for Jimmy Kimmel Live! in Los Angeles last night.
I really, really hope that Grace Jones’ “Reading These Hos Tour” never ever ends, because her beautiful words wrapped in pure bitchiness never fail to take me up, up and away and when I read her interviews I know how Jesus’ apostles felt when he spoke to them. In her memoirs, I Will Never Write My Memoirs, Grace Jones lines up many pop trick of today and slaps them down for copying her. While promoting her memoirs, Grace also slapped down Kanye West for jacking ideas from her and said that he’ll get a face full of her if they ever cross paths. Well, now it’s Lady CaCa’s turn to feel the wrath of Grace again.
The Church of Grace Jones held another sermon with The New York Times and although it didn’t lift my soul to the heavens the way that excerpt from her memoirs did, it still did me right. While lounging in a robe with a mimosa in her hand, the forever legendary Grace Jones pimped out her memoirs “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” during an interview with The New York Times and she continued to let the music hos of today know that she sees them copying her and is going to do something about it if she sees them out. Grace tells the Times that Kanye West copied something she did in the past and used it in a video. Grace didn’t say what video, but she did say these simple fightin’ words:
“When I see him, honestly, I’m going to get in his face.”
Okay, so now all we have to do is find a way to get Grace Jones and Kanye West into a room together and we have to make sure that there’s plenty of seats for us all. Oh, and we definitely need a popcorn machine and plastic ponchos to protect our clothes from the bits of Kanye that will fly all over the room when she destroys him with her bare hands. And I’m sure Kanye will fight back by saying that Grace Jones used that funny-looking helmet to time travel to the future where she watched his video before time-traveling back to the past where she used his ideas for one of her projects. So Kanye West didn’t copy Grace Jones, Grace Jones copied Kanye West!!!
Goddess of the universe, Grace Jones, is releasing her memoirs titled “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” later this month and Time Out London stuck the tip in a bit by posting a piece from it. It I had to only go by the piece Time Out London posted, I’d say that Grace’s memoirs will replace Rue McClanahan’s memoirs as my new Holy Bible. In the excerpt, Grace calls out all of the pop tricks of today (Miley Cyrus, RiRi, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Rita Ora, Sia, Madonna, etc) for copying everyone including her, and she also throws out a little blind item. Grace writes about a pop star she calls “Doris,” who is a manufactured puppet and wanted to work with her. You should read the entire sermon from the Church of Grace here, but I’ve thrown a few quotes after the cut.
After writing about that never-ending train wreck of sad that is the Honey Boo Boo situation, I prayed to the Gods for a palate cleanser and my prayers were answered when I logged onto one of the photo agency websites and these pictures of human rose Grace Jones holding a rose gently swept across my eyeballs. FYI: My irises are now the color of a moonstone and I didn’t have to get some suspect shit implanted into them by a suspect doctor, TINY.
While dressed like a bag lady Sith Lord and wearing stunning Batman logo sunglasses, the Mistress of EVERYTHING left a joint party she threw with Kate Moss in London last night. I throw a joint party every night too if you know what I mean. If you’re soul ever needs a pick-me up, just stare at Grace’s impeccable seesaw eyebrows and you’ll be taken up, up and anyway. Grace proves that if you want to have the brows a maniacal cartoon villain who is always plotting the end of the world, the only two things you need are a BIC pen and a level.
Here’s more pictures of Grace having an intimate moment with a rose in London. You know, every picture of Grace should be filled with roses, because hos should throw roses at her all the time. I also threw in some pictures of a drunk Kate Moss (that’s redundant) dressed like a coked up Muppet going to a Great Gatsby-themed slumber party.