Today mourners from all over the world flocked to Detroit to pay their respects to The Queen, Aretha Franklin as she lay in state for the first of two days of public viewing. The gold casket in which she lies is a fitting bed for a woman who’s style and panache were legendary. According to Page Six, crowds of people circled the block, some camping out overnight for a chance to say their goodbyes.
If you’re the type of person who gets off on nostalgia tourism, and it would really make your year to get your picture taken in front of what was once the hottest spot to be on a Friday night in high school, then you better book a ticket to Oregon. Because that’s where the last lonely and sad Blockbuster location in all of the United States of America will be.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
“Bitch stole my look!” screamed Kanye West.
David Letterman hands his desk over to Stephen Colbert on May 20th, so it’s not a surprise that some of his famous friends have been stopping by The Late Show to say so long, farewell (no one has sung that song yet, but I sure as hell hope if anyone does decide to do it, it’s Courtney Love after crushing a handful of Ambien into a box of wine). Last night, Tina Fey dropped by to say goodbye to David Letterman, and she did it by dropping her dress.
The Miss April of Taylor Swift’s Ladies of My Shit List wall calendar joked that she’d never get dressed up in a fancy dress for any other night-time talk show host, then proceeded to explain that it takes a lot of hard-working underwear to look as sucked in and tight as she does and that nobody else is worth rearranging her internal organs for. That’s when Tina got Dave to unzip her, she kicked off her dress, and busted out some custom shapewear.
The upper half of me was living for Tina Fey’s fuck-it-all attitude, but the bottom half of me was letting out a silent scream at that double-wrapped Spanx job. One pair of Spanx is a challenge, but Spanx AND a bodysuit?!? That’s the definition of playing life on expert level. My ass, hips, thighs, crack, gut, pussy, and back rolls salute yours, Tina. I can’t imagine how she got out of that contraption. My guess is that it was removed using a pair of trauma shears. That, or she’s still in them and praying for death to collect what’s left of her body.
Yes, I’m completely serious. Randy Newman gave us “I Love L.A.”, which in turn gave us a fame-hungry Kris Kardashian performing the cringeworthy masterpiece “I Love My Friends“, and for that we should be forever grateful.
After 9 years of confusing your right-wing uncle (“I don’t get it…does he hate Obamacare or not?“) Stephen Colbert said goodbye to The Colbert Report last night so that he could move into David Letterman’s old office at The Late Show. And just like Chelsea Handler did when she pulled the plug on Chelsea Lately in August, Stephen gathered a bunch of his famous friends together to sing “We’ll Meet Again”. Television: like a big-budget summer camp. Stephen was joined by the Cheers to his Frasier, Jon Stewart, as well as every other human on the planet. Bryan Cranston! Bill Clinton! Willie Nelson! North Korean Enemy No. 1 James Franco! Cookie Monster! You know you’re a big deal when you get Cookie Monster (I heard he’s a notorious recluse).
But my favorite part is around the 3:13 mark when Andy Cohen shows up and fucking BRINGS IT. Andy is singing like he’s got RuPaul, Michelle Visage, and Santino in the audience and there’s a lifetime supply of ColorEvolution cosmetics at stake.
Since Stephen Colbert the character won’t be going to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the person, the show ends with Stephen Colbert flying away forever in a sleigh with Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek. That’s an ok ending, but what I really would have liked to have seen was Stephen Colbert ripping off his mask and revealing that it was Chuck Noblet the whole time.
Last night, Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno stepped down as host of NBC’s The Tonight Show after 22 years, which is either great news if you’re a person under 40, or the worst news possible if you’re an elderly woman who’s only reason for living is to mail in wacky newspaper clippings. Personally, my preference for robot skeleton sidekicks makes me more of a Craig Ferguson person, so I could give a shit about Leno. But 22 years at any job should be celebrated, so I’ll pop a bottle of Baileys in his honor today.
Since I can kind-of remember Johnny Carson’s final episode (or maybe I’m thinking of Krusty’s comeback special from The Simpsons) it was my understanding that NBC sends you out with a bang. Instead, NBC broke with tradition and assembled a real who’s-who (no literally, who?) to sing a rendition of So Long, Farewell from The Sound Of Music led by a super realistic-looking wax figure of Billy Crystal. Included in the group of people who looked truly ashamed to be there (snaps to a defeated-sounding Jim Parsons for not shooting himself right there on the spot) was Kim Kardashian, who looked like the slutty entry in the Milwaukee Brewers 6th inning sausage race. Kim waddled out and sang (musically nasal’ed might be a better description) a tongue-in-cheek verse about how she’s the easiest of targets:
“So long, farewell, tonight I told my folks – and now, I won’t be the butt of Leno’s jokes.”
Thankfully there’s still Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Chelsea Handler, SNL, myself, most of the internet, and the good people of Twitter who will be able to pick up where Leno left off. And Jay Leno can kick back in one of his many billion-dollars cars thanking the TV gods he doesn’t have to talk about her dumb ass anymore.
And my Say Something Nice is the following: Kim’s face is able to move more freely than I thought! Did you see when she almost opened her eyes all the way? She practically looked alive!