Page Six is reporting that after a few months, the undying love of “Peckinsale” is over! Does this mean the shelf life of Pete’s wonder penis is decreasing? He better sprinkle some more MSG down his pants before he locks the next random hottie of his dreams in his intense sights. But good news for us, this might be the last post about these two (no promises).
It is with great sadness that I regretfully report that yesterday, Idris Elba, 46, married his fiancee Sabrina Dhowre, 29, in Marrakesh. To add insult to injury, British Vogue was there to cover the entire wedding in order to fucking rub it into all of our faces today. The only positive thing I have to say about this is that at least Idris and Sabrina ripped the Band-Aid off and wasted no time in getting married after breaking all of our hearts in February when they got engaged. Actually, I don’t think that helps. I’m going to need my full body Idris pillow and super-cut of the best of Stringer Bell from The Wire STAT while weeping on the couch with cheesecake. Why, Idris, why?!
Today mourners from all over the world flocked to Detroit to pay their respects to The Queen, Aretha Franklin as she lay in state for the first of two days of public viewing. The gold casket in which she lies is a fitting bed for a woman who’s style and panache were legendary. According to Page Six, crowds of people circled the block, some camping out overnight for a chance to say their goodbyes.
If you’re the type of person who gets off on nostalgia tourism, and it would really make your year to get your picture taken in front of what was once the hottest spot to be on a Friday night in high school, then you better book a ticket to Oregon. Because that’s where the last lonely and sad Blockbuster location in all of the United States of America will be.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
“Bitch stole my look!” screamed Kanye West.
David Letterman hands his desk over to Stephen Colbert on May 20th, so it’s not a surprise that some of his famous friends have been stopping by The Late Show to say so long, farewell (no one has sung that song yet, but I sure as hell hope if anyone does decide to do it, it’s Courtney Love after crushing a handful of Ambien into a box of wine). Last night, Tina Fey dropped by to say goodbye to David Letterman, and she did it by dropping her dress.
The Miss April of Taylor Swift’s Ladies of My Shit List wall calendar joked that she’d never get dressed up in a fancy dress for any other night-time talk show host, then proceeded to explain that it takes a lot of hard-working underwear to look as sucked in and tight as she does and that nobody else is worth rearranging her internal organs for. That’s when Tina got Dave to unzip her, she kicked off her dress, and busted out some custom shapewear.
The upper half of me was living for Tina Fey’s fuck-it-all attitude, but the bottom half of me was letting out a silent scream at that double-wrapped Spanx job. One pair of Spanx is a challenge, but Spanx AND a bodysuit?!? That’s the definition of playing life on expert level. My ass, hips, thighs, crack, gut, pussy, and back rolls salute yours, Tina. I can’t imagine how she got out of that contraption. My guess is that it was removed using a pair of trauma shears. That, or she’s still in them and praying for death to collect what’s left of her body.