No need to send me a thank you e-mail for hitting your eyeballs with the sight of Billy Bush’s feets, snow-covered chest fur forest and hairy pits. The sound of that panty pudding wave crashing has already told me that you’re thankful.
Everybody has reported that Billy Bush’s suspension has already been made permanent and that Matt Lauer has reclaimed his title as the Biggest Douche of the Today Show. Billy was removed as co-host of Today’s 3rd hour after that tape of him grossly giggling over Donald Trump bragging about sexual assault came out. Billy is pretty much done at NBC and an announcement is coming, but Page Six says that he’s not going down without trying to punch out the Peacock.
It’s that time again when we all say at the same time, “Wait, I thought he was GAY?“, after reading about how Michael C. Hall married a woman.
Michael C. Hall (or “David from Six Feet Under” as I know him, or “Dexter” as those of you who watched Dexter know him, but then again that character may be forever dead to you thanks to that finale) decided that he really wants to be married for a third time. MCH survived Hodgkin’s lymphoma, so maybe he figures that life is too short to not follow your heart to the City Clerk’s Office.
MCH was married to his first wife, Amy Spanger, from 2002 to 2007. After that marriage ate smegma in the gutter, he dusted himself off and married his TV sister, Jennifer Carpenter, on New Year’s Eve in 2008. They announced they were getting a divorce in 2010 and they legally became exes a year later. MCH started dating book editor and novelist Morgan Macgregor in 2012 and now they’re married, so says his rep. People says that MCH became a third-time husband at City Hall in NYC yesterday morning. The answer to the question, “Who in the HELL, besides a trick needing a green card bad and a 9-month knocked up teen with a strict Catholic abuelita, gets married at City Hall on a Monday morning?“, has finally been answered. Maybe he wanted to beat the crowds, or maybe there’s a Monday morning discount I don’t know about and since it’s his third marriage, he figured he should save in wedding costs wherever he can.
MCH is 45. His new wife’s age is a mystery. I used my serious journalist skills (read: I Googled “How old is Dexter’s new wedded piece?” and called it a day) to find out and came up with nothing. In some pictures she looks like a grown to me and in other pictures she looks like she hears, “Aw, you and your father seem so close,” from a server as she cuddles with MCH in a booth at a restaurant. But what I do know about Morgan is that she seems to be a Depp-loving hipster at heart since she’s got this tattoo on her arm:
If she was really a fan, she’d drop the “na” in that tattoo. But well, if MCH ever wants to get into some scarves and bracelets kink and get his wife to role play as Johnny Depp, she’s already halfway there.
Here’s some riveting pictures of MCH and Morgan Macgregor standing next to each other and walking together throughout the last few years.
During the finale of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars in 2011, Tyra Banks announced that one of the three finalists, my favorite Angelea Preston, had been kicked off of the show and wasn’t eligible to win the grand prize of a spread in a Sears circular and an all-expenses paid trip to Paris (TX that is) to walk in a Rue 21 fashion show. No, the prize was a spread in Vogue Italia and a $100,00 contract with Covergirl. Angelea’s disqualification became a greater mystery than “What the hell kind of drugs is Tyra on?” The show never said why Angelea was booted and Angela herself didn’t talk about it for a while. We later found out that Angelea got ejected from the show for being an escort and now she’s getting revenge by suing the shit out of Tyra.
When Naya Rivera, the result of a Dollar General JLo doll and 99 Cent Store Kim Kardashian doll melting together in the sun, commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations, the bitch really commits to Kim Kartrashian and JLo impersonations. Three months after she broke off her engagement to Big Sean, the swap meet Kanye to her swap meet Kim, Naya married an actor type named Ryan Dorsey in Cabo San Lucas on July 19th. Does this mean that Naya and Big Sean’s relationship was a fraud wrapped in lies wrapped in a PR stunt and she was doing this Ryan Dorsey trick behind-the-scenes the entire time?! I don’t know, but I do know that Naya is 27 years old, so she better spend her honeymoon filing annulment papers, because she needs to move onto the next husband if she wants to keep up with her face and life inspirations.
People (who can now list “Publishing those Naya Rivera wedding pictures” under charity contributions on their tax return) got the EXCLUSIVO pictures of Naya and Ryan getting one step closer to becoming divorced exes. Naya and Ryan got married on the beach in Cabo in front of a small group of family and friends who sat there while thinking to themselves, “I really hope this isn’t a shot gun situation, because I don’t want to waste my money on a wedding AND a baby gift for these two wrecks.” Naya wore a dress by Monique Lhuillier and a face by DuPont.
I’m sure that just like the melted plastic water bottles that she injects into her face, Naya and Ryan’s love will last for eternity and never disintegrate. Naya and Ryan shat out this statement of words about their wedding to People:
“We feel truly blessed to be joined as husband and wife. Our special day was fated and everything we could have ever asked for.”
And if you didn’t think this wedding could be more of a troll wedding, they had to spit out this hilarious dingle, “True love always prevails.” Let me fix that for you, Naya: “Fame whoring always prevails.” Better!
IN THIS ECONOMY, I don’t blame Naya for marrying her rebound. Naya was supposed to marry Big Sean, so she probably already bought the dress and booked the venue, the flowers, the DJ, the photographer, the food and already tipped the paparazzi off. Why let all of that go to waste?! Naya will lose a job, a record contract and her original face, but she refuses to let go of her wedding deposits!
You can’t really tell what Ryan Dorsey’s face looks like in the picture above, so here’s some pictures of his “hybrid of Ryan Phillippe and Adam Brody with a drop of Jared Padalecki” face and more importantly, his nipples.
A strange thing happened in Mexico yesterday. Adam Levine didn’t pick up one of his fiancee’s bridesmaids, do her in the bathroom and leave Behati Prinsloo on the altar before texting her these words, “Sorry, babe, found new coochie.” Adam Levine actually went through with it and married Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo at Flora Farms in Los Cabos, Mexico. Well, I guess Adam feels like the divorce rates aren’t high enough, so he’s doing his part to change that.
After being engaged for a year, the 35-year-old douche bottle full of lukewarm smugness married the 24-year-old South African panties model in front of 300 guests including Robert Downey Jr., Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Coco Rocha, Candice Swanepoel and his Maroon 5 bandmates. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.?!!!! I know RDJ has been sober for a billion years, but reading about him being a guest at Adam Levine’s wedding makes me want to ask him, “Bitch, are you snorting up the bad shit again?” UsWeekly says that Behati’s bridesmaids were mostly Victoria’s Secret models, because Adam wanted a potential rebound close by in case he got cold feet. Behati wore a dress made for her by Marchesa and she and Adam asked their guests to give a donation to The Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles instead of giving them an ice cream maker they’ll never use. E! News has more riveting details:
Wedding festivities began Friday night, when 100 guests were shuttled from their hotel to El Dorado for a party on the beach that was set up in front of Mike Meldman’s home, a source told E! News exclusively.
Casually dressed attendees mingled at a large bar and relaxed with margaritas and wine. There was also lounge furniture situated on the beach, along with small tee pees for additional seating. Tables were adorned with red flowers, and once it got dark, candles and white twinkle lights were glowing.
But more importantly, Stevie Nicks was there as a “special guest” and she performed. The answer to the question, “WHY, STEVIE, FOR WHY???“, is probably, “Because she’s a mentor on The Voice and friends with Adam.” But if the real answer is, “Because she needs a check and that mortgage payment on her vacation house is due,” then Stevie should know that if she ever needs cash, she should just beg her fans for some on Kickstarter. It’s less embarrassing than performing at Adam Levine’s first pre-divorce ceremony.
But bitterness aside, congratulations to Adam Levine on getting his first wife, congratulations to divorce lawyers in the L.A. area who might have a new client in the near future and congratulations to Behati Prinsloo who I’m hoping married his ass without a prenup. And a pre-congratulations to the Instagram model who will one day soon make a quick dollar from The National Enquirer when she sells the pictures of Adam’s peen that he texted her before they boned in his dressing room at The Voice. Congratulations to them all!
IMPORTANT UPDATE THAT I’M SURE YOU CARE ABOUT: Here’s some pictures of Nina Agdal, the piece that Adam Levine dumped through a text message after he got engaged to Behati, crying onto the shoulder of some hot piece in Miami on Adam’s wedding day.
That crime scene tape really ties together the whole “middle-aged parking lot hooker found passed out in a Porta-Potty at a NASCAR race” look.
Lindsay Lohan turns 28 today, which means she isn’t getting a membership card to The 27 Club, which means she’ll live forever. When we’re all on our death beds, the nurse next to us will be flipping through her iHologramTablet and say to us, “It’s Lindsay Lohan Sheen Richardson Franco’s 94th birthday today and the judge dismissed the charges she got for killing a bunch of toddlers to sell their tiny organs on the black market for jenkem money.” (Yes, jenkem will be making a comeback in 66 years). LiLo will outlive us all! LiLo is a cracked out vampire and coke is her human blood. Since LiLo’s going to need more quick cash to buy more of her life elixir, she has officially filed one of the most ridiculous lawsuits of all-time.
Last December, LiLo’s lawyers (read: White Oprah who traded legal advice for sloppy handjobs with a janitor at LegalZoom) threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for basing a character on her without paying up. It took them 6 months, but they finally filed that lawsuit in a Manhattan court today. LiLo’s lawyers claim that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total copy + paste job, and now I really want to play Grand Theft Auto V, because I really way to play challenges where I get to hit tricks in the head with a vodka bottle at the club and suck off hoteliers for 8-balls and fashion show tickets. That sounds fun! Here’s the details from that mess of a lawsuit via Yahoo:
Lohan’s suit says a character named Lacey Jonas is an “unequivocal” reference to the “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday” star.
The suit says Lohan’s image, voice and styles from her clothing line are depicted. It says the game features West Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once lived.
The character also seeks help skirting paparazzi.
So the character is a fame whore who gets followed by the paparazzi and lives at a hotel in West Hollywood? That description is what you would get if you shoved Parasite Hilton, Brit Brit, Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan and every other mess into a Vitamix and turned it on. LiLo should immediately fire White Oprah and that LegalZoom janitor as her lawyers, because they don’t know what they’re doing. What they should’ve done is accused Rockstar of using LiLo’s likeness for the character of Trevor:
The likeness is undeniable. The case would’ve been wrapped up in a second. The court would’ve awarded LiLo complete control of Rockstar, she would’ve changed the name to CrackRocksStar before running the company into the ground and snorting up its ashes. What could’ve been…
Here’s LiLo giving you lot lizard chic in NYC today.