A strange thing happened in Mexico yesterday. Adam Levine didn’t pick up one of his fiancee’s bridesmaids, do her in the bathroom and leave Behati Prinsloo on the altar before texting her these words, “Sorry, babe, found new coochie.” Adam Levine actually went through with it and married Victoria’s Secret model Behati Prinsloo at Flora Farms in Los Cabos, Mexico. Well, I guess Adam feels like the divorce rates aren’t high enough, so he’s doing his part to change that.
After being engaged for a year, the 35-year-old douche bottle full of lukewarm smugness married the 24-year-old South African panties model in front of 300 guests including Robert Downey Jr., Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Coco Rocha, Candice Swanepoel and his Maroon 5 bandmates. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.?!!!! I know RDJ has been sober for a billion years, but reading about him being a guest at Adam Levine’s wedding makes me want to ask him, “Bitch, are you snorting up the bad shit again?” UsWeekly says that Behati’s bridesmaids were mostly Victoria’s Secret models, because Adam wanted a potential rebound close by in case he got cold feet. Behati wore a dress made for her by Marchesa and she and Adam asked their guests to give a donation to The Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles instead of giving them an ice cream maker they’ll never use. E! News has more riveting details:
Wedding festivities began Friday night, when 100 guests were shuttled from their hotel to El Dorado for a party on the beach that was set up in front of Mike Meldman’s home, a source told E! News exclusively.
Casually dressed attendees mingled at a large bar and relaxed with margaritas and wine. There was also lounge furniture situated on the beach, along with small tee pees for additional seating. Tables were adorned with red flowers, and once it got dark, candles and white twinkle lights were glowing.
But more importantly, Stevie Nicks was there as a “special guest” and she performed. The answer to the question, “WHY, STEVIE, FOR WHY???“, is probably, “Because she’s a mentor on The Voice and friends with Adam.” But if the real answer is, “Because she needs a check and that mortgage payment on her vacation house is due,” then Stevie should know that if she ever needs cash, she should just beg her fans for some on Kickstarter. It’s less embarrassing than performing at Adam Levine’s first pre-divorce ceremony.
But bitterness aside, congratulations to Adam Levine on getting his first wife, congratulations to divorce lawyers in the L.A. area who might have a new client in the near future and congratulations to Behati Prinsloo who I’m hoping married his ass without a prenup. And a pre-congratulations to the Instagram model who will one day soon make a quick dollar from The National Enquirer when she sells the pictures of Adam’s peen that he texted her before they boned in his dressing room at The Voice. Congratulations to them all!
IMPORTANT UPDATE THAT I’M SURE YOU CARE ABOUT: Here’s some pictures of Nina Agdal, the piece that Adam Levine dumped through a text message after he got engaged to Behati, crying onto the shoulder of some hot piece in Miami on Adam’s wedding day.
That crime scene tape really ties together the whole “middle-aged parking lot hooker found passed out in a Porta-Potty at a NASCAR race” look.
Lindsay Lohan turns 28 today, which means she isn’t getting a membership card to The 27 Club, which means she’ll live forever. When we’re all on our death beds, the nurse next to us will be flipping through her iHologramTablet and say to us, “It’s Lindsay Lohan Sheen Richardson Franco’s 94th birthday today and the judge dismissed the charges she got for killing a bunch of toddlers to sell their tiny organs on the black market for jenkem money.” (Yes, jenkem will be making a comeback in 66 years). LiLo will outlive us all! LiLo is a cracked out vampire and coke is her human blood. Since LiLo’s going to need more quick cash to buy more of her life elixir, she has officially filed one of the most ridiculous lawsuits of all-time.
Last December, LiLo’s lawyers (read: White Oprah who traded legal advice for sloppy handjobs with a janitor at LegalZoom) threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for basing a character on her without paying up. It took them 6 months, but they finally filed that lawsuit in a Manhattan court today. LiLo’s lawyers claim that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total copy + paste job, and now I really want to play Grand Theft Auto V, because I really way to play challenges where I get to hit tricks in the head with a vodka bottle at the club and suck off hoteliers for 8-balls and fashion show tickets. That sounds fun! Here’s the details from that mess of a lawsuit via Yahoo:
Lohan’s suit says a character named Lacey Jonas is an “unequivocal” reference to the “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday” star.
The suit says Lohan’s image, voice and styles from her clothing line are depicted. It says the game features West Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once lived.
The character also seeks help skirting paparazzi.
So the character is a fame whore who gets followed by the paparazzi and lives at a hotel in West Hollywood? That description is what you would get if you shoved Parasite Hilton, Brit Brit, Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan and every other mess into a Vitamix and turned it on. LiLo should immediately fire White Oprah and that LegalZoom janitor as her lawyers, because they don’t know what they’re doing. What they should’ve done is accused Rockstar of using LiLo’s likeness for the character of Trevor:
The likeness is undeniable. The case would’ve been wrapped up in a second. The court would’ve awarded LiLo complete control of Rockstar, she would’ve changed the name to CrackRocksStar before running the company into the ground and snorting up its ashes. What could’ve been…
Here’s LiLo giving you lot lizard chic in NYC today.
But it’s not like Tammy Lynn Michaels could crash Melissa Etheridge’s latest wedding if she could. Tammy Lynn ONLY gets a paltry ass $86,000 a month from Melissa and so she can’t afford to put gas in the beat-up Pinto she drives and even if she could afford gas, she wouldn’t be able to get into her beat-up Pinto, because she’s too weak from only eating garden hose water and Top Ramen flavor packets.
At the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California yesterday, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem became the next woman who will one day hate the shit out of Melissa Etheridge and spend her days writing nothing but rage-filled, incoherent haikus on her blog after Melissa drops her ass for another trick. Linda Wallem was Melissa’s Best Woman when Melissa married Tammy Lynn Michaels and yesterday she was Melissa’s bride. As People pointed out, Melissa announced on her Twatter that she is somebody’s wife again:
True love…so blessed. “By the power invested in me by the state of California…” Thanks
UsWeekly that Linda (who wore a gown made of shaving cream) and Melissa’s guests included Rosie O’Donnell (Fun gayelle fact: If lesbians don’t invite gayelle mafia don Rosie O to their wedding, their Home Depot credit card will be revoked), Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler. I don’t think Chelsea is friends with either Linda or Melissa. She just sniffed out the open bar and crashed the party.
Anyway, congratulations to Melissa and her future ex-wife. I’m sure they both filled with happiness and were touched when they got Tammy Lynn’s wedding gift: a box of used dicks (Tammy Lynn can’t afford new ones).
As expected, the American Idol runner-up and the sole reason why every Claymate’s got a crusty foam stain on the inside of her mom jeans is running for Congress in his home state of North Carolina. Alfred E. Neuman’s Southern gay cousin announced today that he’s coming for the seat in Congress that Rep. Renee Ellmers is currently sitting in. Future Congressginge Aiken released this campaign ad today and it’s perfection from his ensemble provided by the Eddie Bauer outlet to the gorgeous stock music which sounds like a song from a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Clay Aiken talks about sleeping on a mattress with his mom on a friend’s living room floor after she left his drunk, wife-beating dad and goes on to talk about wearing clothes from the thrift store. If Clay learned anything from American Idol, it’s how to put together a gold star sympathy video. I don’t know why, but that ad reminded me of an episode of Starting Over.
Clay briefly talks about losing American Idol and says that he’s not a politician, which I guess is something you say to the people to get them to trust you since most politicians are shady assholes who will face punch a baby for a vote, but this is not something you should say in a job interview. If you’re interviewing for a receptionist position, don’t say, “I am not a receptionist.” You will not get that job. Anyway, Clay also said some words to the Raleigh News Observer about running. I wish he would’ve just recited the lyrics to The Real Me.
“I saw this as the best place I could serve, because I think Washington, in general, is dysfunctional. I think it’s high time we put people in Congress who were not beholden to their party, and not beholden to anything but the people who they live around and grew up around, in my case.”
Clay’s campaign is going to focus on jobs and education and THE ECONOMY! Clay plans to get most of his campaign money from supporters and that means his campaign budget will be at least $10 billion since you know those Claymates are going raise money for their ovaries-busting God by selling all their relatives to a human trafficking ring.
The preliminary election for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District is in May. One of Clay’s opponents, Houston Barnes, has already announced that he’s dropping out and he’s not going for the Democratic spot so he can support Clay. Keith Crisco and Toni Morris are still planning to go up against Clay.
And here’s another video of Clay talking about politics and stuff:
I’d totally vote for Clay (NO CLAYMATE), but with that said, can somebody please get his ass a new “Glam Squad.” How can the people of North Carolina vote for a dude who only wears Wet N’ Wild foundation on his face (and not on his neck) and whose eyebrows always look like patches of dead grass? Clay’s beauty deserves better.
Two strange things happened at Sundance yesterday: Lindsay Lohan showed up and she didn’t look like a dried-up yeast infection sore. LiLo actually looked good for LiLo. (Side note: Every time someone types “LiLo looked good,” millions of locusts rehearse the swarm-forming process.) The other strange thing that happened is that LiLo held a press conference where she announced that she’s starring and producing a psychological thriller and somebody put up the $5 million needed to make that mess. Cut to the original Oprah going through her purse while wondering where that $5 million she pulled out of the ATM earlier went…..
Buzzfeed says that before the press conference started, reporters were told that if they asked LiLo any personal questions, they’d be shown the exit door. Randall Emmett, whose production company made End of Watch and Lone Survivor, proved that he and LiLo snorted the wrong stuff in the car ride over when he called her “one of the greatest young actresses of her generation.” Randall said that LiLo has already been insured and right now they’re looking for a director. They start shooting in either New Orleans or Atlanta in March, so if you’re in one of those places you have a little less than two months to stock up on as much coke as you can. Randall spit this out.
“We are up here today to announce a new movie that we’re funding and producing alongside Lindsay, called Inconceivable. The movie will start shooting in March, and Lindsay and I just felt that coming up to Sundance and being among the community up here to announce an independent film is a really special place.”
And as Robert Redford weeped at the bottom of a cold shower over Sundance becoming the ho stroll of Utah, LiLo told reporters what that shit is about:
“I fell in love with the script, and I contacted Randall, and kind of harassed him to make it happen. But it’s just a really interesting story. It’s a psychological thriller about a woman who’s kind of on a journey to reclaim something that was lost of hers. And it gets a bit dark, but it’s a really interesting twist, and it’s something that I’m really looking forward to doing sooner rather than later.”
A woman who’s on a journey to reclaim something she lost? So it’s basically a Lindsay Lohan biopic and follows her as she tries to get her old career back. I hope they make a documentary about the making of this, because I really want to see what Lindsay “the producer” does when Lindsay “the actress” shows up 4 hours late. Bitch can’t apologize by sucking herself off.
And seriously, LiLo is wasting her time with that movie. Everybody knows that her one and only comeback vehicle is Life-Size 2!
After the most natural and organic true love union between Kaley Cuoco and Superman bloomed and quickly died, I figured that she’d swear off love forever and spend her nights trolling the streets for in-love couples to stab in the throat. But Kaley Cuoco somehow managed to pick herself up, jump on a new dick, get engaged and get married. Kaley started boning professional tennis player Ryan Sweeting six months ago, three months later they were engaged to be married and now they’re husband and wife. And I’m sure they’ll stay married for the rest of eternity, or until Kaley needs more attention from People magazines and files for divorce, which will probably happen before the red velvet curtain closes on 2014. That’s real love!
People says that Kaley and Ryan’s pre-divorce ceremony happened at the Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Santa Susana, CA last night. 150 guests all spent their New Year’s Eve watching Kaley get married to the man who will probably become her first ex-husband.
I usually side-eye selfish whores who get married on Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve, but I’m sure there was an open bar and Kaley provided visual entertainment by looking like she was drowning in a jar of strawberry Fluff. And I’m sure Kaley has at least one drunk auntie who shook her head through the ceremony while saying, “From fake fucking Henry Cavill’s hot ass to this?! How dreadful, indeed.”
(Pic via Instagram)
A few months ago, the come-to-life Kid Sister doll Justin Bieber tried to butch himself up by growing a field of hair above his lip. But because his stache hairs were as delicate as the seeds on a dandelion, they blew away in the wind and he was once again left with an upper lip that was smoother a stripper’s waxed taint. It’s been a few months and the Biebs is practically a man now (I mean, sometimes he goes an entire night without running to his mommy’s bed after thinking he saw the Boogie Man *coughUshercough*) so he’s trying to grow a stache again.
Those testosterone boosters and Rogaine foam must be working, because he had a pussy strip of fuzz above his mouth in NYC this weekend. He’s trying, but that stache still looks as precious and delicate as the last one. It looks like he shaved a peach and then glued the fuzz onto his upper lip with Elmer’s. I’ve seen baby brows that look tougher than that moustache. Shit, Kim Kardashian could grow a thicker stache when she was a newborn. Speaking of the Kardashians, the only way Justin Bieber will have a bunch of luscious, thick hair on his upper lip is if one of them lets him toss their salad before a waxing appointment.
Here’s a riveting video starring pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving Cliffside in Malibu after spending a total of 90 days drying out. When the fillers in LiLo’s lips have dried up and turned to dust, she kind of looks like Bernann McKinney as a weekday pancake house hostess in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I’m saying is that LiLo has never looked better.
LiLo was supposed to stay in rehab for an extra 3 days, because she wanted to slowly seep back into the world, but I guess she said fuckit to that idea. TMZ says that instead of staying in rehab for a few more days, she’s going to live with a “sober coach.” This hasn’t been confirmed but I’m sure the name of her “sober coach” rhymes with Yack Maniels. Radar says that LiLo’s long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley was in court this morning to give the judge proof that she completed her court-ordered 90 days of rehab. Judge James Dabney also ordered LiLo to 3 therapy sessions a week as per (yes, I wanted to type “ass purr” really badly) the recommendation of Cliffside’s CEO. Judge James said this during today’s hearing:
“Ms. Lohan has successfully completed residential treatment, and it’s being recommended that she continue with her psychological counseling consisting of three 50 minute psychological counseling sessions per week. This can be done in person when she is in Los Angeles, or via Skype when she isn’t.”
There will be another hearing in November to make sure LiLo’s doing what she’s supposed to do.
Skype therapy?! That should work out and I’m sure her therapist won’t think something in the milk is White Oprah when a suddenly blonder “Lindsay Lohan” Skypes in from the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s in Long Island and immediately giggles about his little tie….
Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.
TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”
Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!
As expected, Halle Berry got herself a third husband in France yesterday. As Halle and Olivier Martinez’s friends and family stood in the back, taking bets on how long this shit is going to last, they got married at the Chateau des Conde in Vallery, France. Halle and Olivier’s wedding was small and just their 60 closest friends and family were invited. Gabriel Aubry wasn’t there, but he was included in the ceremony when Olivier said to Halle, “I promise to love and cherish you and beat the pretty out of your ex’s face whenever he comes to the door without calling first.”
People says that a civil union went down at around 4pm and then they had a religious ceremony right after. Some source told UsWeekly that after Halle and Olivier became future ex-wife and future ex-husband in a pre-divorce ceremony, they ate, danced and watched fireworks.
“White marquees were put up, and everyone was very discreet because it was a show business wedding. But generally it was pretty down-to-earth. They all partied long into the night.”
Halle’s unborn son and her daughter Nahla were also at the wedding, because, well, they had no choice. So yeah, Halle and Olivier took Nahla to France to get married. Yeah, I hope Gabriel’s got a premium Skype account, because he’s never going to see Nahla AGAIN!
And here’s some riveting pictures of Halle looking like she has to piss while being driven to her wedding.