A few months ago, the come-to-life Kid Sister doll Justin Bieber tried to butch himself up by growing a field of hair above his lip. But because his stache hairs were as delicate as the seeds on a dandelion, they blew away in the wind and he was once again left with an upper lip that was smoother a stripper’s waxed taint. It’s been a few months and the Biebs is practically a man now (I mean, sometimes he goes an entire night without running to his mommy’s bed after thinking he saw the Boogie Man *coughUshercough*) so he’s trying to grow a stache again.
Those testosterone boosters and Rogaine foam must be working, because he had a pussy strip of fuzz above his mouth in NYC this weekend. He’s trying, but that stache still looks as precious and delicate as the last one. It looks like he shaved a peach and then glued the fuzz onto his upper lip with Elmer’s. I’ve seen baby brows that look tougher than that moustache. Shit, Kim Kardashian could grow a thicker stache when she was a newborn. Speaking of the Kardashians, the only way Justin Bieber will have a bunch of luscious, thick hair on his upper lip is if one of them lets him toss their salad before a waxing appointment.
Here’s a riveting video starring pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving Cliffside in Malibu after spending a total of 90 days drying out. When the fillers in LiLo’s lips have dried up and turned to dust, she kind of looks like Bernann McKinney as a weekday pancake house hostess in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I’m saying is that LiLo has never looked better.
LiLo was supposed to stay in rehab for an extra 3 days, because she wanted to slowly seep back into the world, but I guess she said fuckit to that idea. TMZ says that instead of staying in rehab for a few more days, she’s going to live with a “sober coach.” This hasn’t been confirmed but I’m sure the name of her “sober coach” rhymes with Yack Maniels. Radar says that LiLo’s long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley was in court this morning to give the judge proof that she completed her court-ordered 90 days of rehab. Judge James Dabney also ordered LiLo to 3 therapy sessions a week as per (yes, I wanted to type “ass purr” really badly) the recommendation of Cliffside’s CEO. Judge James said this during today’s hearing:
“Ms. Lohan has successfully completed residential treatment, and it’s being recommended that she continue with her psychological counseling consisting of three 50 minute psychological counseling sessions per week. This can be done in person when she is in Los Angeles, or via Skype when she isn’t.”
There will be another hearing in November to make sure LiLo’s doing what she’s supposed to do.
Skype therapy?! That should work out and I’m sure her therapist won’t think something in the milk is White Oprah when a suddenly blonder “Lindsay Lohan” Skypes in from the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s in Long Island and immediately giggles about his little tie….
Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.
TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”
Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!
As expected, Halle Berry got herself a third husband in France yesterday. As Halle and Olivier Martinez’s friends and family stood in the back, taking bets on how long this shit is going to last, they got married at the Chateau des Conde in Vallery, France. Halle and Olivier’s wedding was small and just their 60 closest friends and family were invited. Gabriel Aubry wasn’t there, but he was included in the ceremony when Olivier said to Halle, “I promise to love and cherish you and beat the pretty out of your ex’s face whenever he comes to the door without calling first.”
People says that a civil union went down at around 4pm and then they had a religious ceremony right after. Some source told UsWeekly that after Halle and Olivier became future ex-wife and future ex-husband in a pre-divorce ceremony, they ate, danced and watched fireworks.
“White marquees were put up, and everyone was very discreet because it was a show business wedding. But generally it was pretty down-to-earth. They all partied long into the night.”
Halle’s unborn son and her daughter Nahla were also at the wedding, because, well, they had no choice. So yeah, Halle and Olivier took Nahla to France to get married. Yeah, I hope Gabriel’s got a premium Skype account, because he’s never going to see Nahla AGAIN!
And here’s some riveting pictures of Halle looking like she has to piss while being driven to her wedding.
Crazy ass Halle Berry must really want a third ex-husband, because sometime this weekend she’s going to marry the crazy ass who beat the pretty out of her daughter’s crazy ass father. Halle Berry married David Justice in 1993, married Eric Benet in 2001 and E! says that she will marry Olivier Martinez this weekend. End well: this probably isn’t, but Halle obviously doesn’t give a shit about that so neither should we.
E! says that Olivier, Halle and Nahla were all at LAX today to fly off to some secret wedding location. They’re obviously going to France. They probably told Gabriel Aubry that they’re just going to take Nahla for some ice cream and then they flew off to France to get married and they’re never coming baaaaaack.
But seriously, Halle is giving birth to their son sometime this fall, so her lawyer should be prepared for a busy 2014. Because after Halle births out their kid, they’re going to fight, break up, fight, file for divorce, fight, battle for custody of their son and fight some more. We’ve all seen this movie before.
And on a different note, why does Olivier look like he broke a contract he signed with Ursula the sea witch? He’s serving up some polyp realness.
Super whore (copyright: Adriana) Joanna Krupa from The Real Housewives of Miami married her on-and-off-again dude of 6 years Romain Zago in a $1 million wedding in Carlsbad, CA yesterday. I hope Joanna and Romain kept all the receipts, because they’re going to want a refund when their marriage throws itself in a shallow grave in about 6 months (I’m being generous).
Life & Style says that Joanna and Romain got married at the Park Hyatt Aviara Resort in front of Bravo’s cameras and 150 guests including her RHoM co-stars Adriana, Karent, Lisa and Alexia. Joanna wore a $30,000 gown by Chagoury Couture (keep the receipt, bitch!) and carried a bouquet of white roses and hydrangeas (again, keep the receipt, bitch!). The Daily Mail has pictures of Joanna’s dress and it looks like an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding swallowed a bunch of whipped cream and then barfed it all up. It looks like Joanna’s queefing and farting out a bunch of sea foam. It’s sophistication personified, basically.
Joanna and Romain first got engaged last year and then they pressed pause on their relationship last November before getting re-engaged later. I guess Bravo needed some kind of finale for the next season of RhoM, which is the only reason why these two messes got married, but who cares about them. The only thing I want to know is if the blossom of Miami, La Bruja, was the flower girl.
Yeah, right. Like that jealous bitch Joanna Krupa would ever let a shining jewel who is a million times more gorgeous than her upstage her at her own wedding. All the flowers at Joanna’s wedding would’ve died as soon as La Bruja sashayed down the aisle, because they would’ve known that they could never compete with a beauty as natural as hers.
And here’s some pictures of Joanna and some of her RHoM co-hos at her bachelorette party a few days ago and pictures of Romain’s bulge last month. I really hope Romain’s bulge was the ring bearer at his wedding.
At least one ex child star has annoy the shit out of NYC at all times, and since Lindsay Lohan is in L.A. right now, it’s up to Amanda Bynes and she got the job done. Amanda Bynes moved out of her Manhattan apartment yesterday, because the building management sent her a GTFO note after getting complaints from her neighbors that she was filling the place up with weed smoke. Instead of investing in a vaporizer, Amanda picked up her bong and moved to a place that appreciates the sweet scent of the good shit.
TMZ says the letter from management said that her lease would be ripped up and stuck in her bong at the end of this month, because it’s a non-smoking building. Neighbors kept bitching about the weed smoke coming from her apartment all day and all night. Amanda was also known for toking up in the hallways. Amanda could’ve tried to fight management’s decision, but she decided to move out instead.
1. How is Amanda getting money for weed and a last-minute moving truck? Never underestimate the royalties for The Amanda Show and All That.
2. Why didn’t Amanda just do what every stoner college student (or me at my mom’s house) does when they don’t want weed haters to smell their pot smoke? Just blow the smoke into a toilet paper roll stuffed with Downy Dryer sheets. That’s stoner 101! They teach that in preschool.
3. If I lived in Amanda’s building, I wouldn’t complain about the weed smoke, because I’d be too busy sucking the clouds of the good shit wafting out from the crack under her door.
(pic via Instagram)
You know it’s real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you.
Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil’s son and when she wasn’t doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she’s made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef’s wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on.
A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she’s her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she’d rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year’s Eve at the Playboy Mansion.
Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she’ll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal’s money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow.
The mournful wail of a sad Falcor has been filling the valleys of Los Angeles every night, because LeAnn Rimes is crying about possibly losing the only thing that keeps her in the tabloids: her gold digging husband Eddie Cibrian. Eddie is living a life of luxury, but it’s hard for him to fully enjoy caviar and champagne when it’s been tainted by the insanity that LeAnn spews out every second of the day.
A source, whose name probably rhymes with Candy ManPill, tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Eddie is regretting the day he legally became LeAnn’s kept bitch. LeAnn is on the opposite side of sane and Eddie can’t take it anymore. Eddie told LeAnn that he needs to spend some time away from her craziness (read: stick his head in a side piece’s crotch until the ringing in his hears from listening to LeAnn’s crazed screeches goes away). Meanwhile, LeAnn thinks that if she fills her womb with a squinting foal or colt, Eddie will stay. The source said this:
“It never seems to end. He can’t take all of the drama anymore. He told her he needs some time alone to get his head together.
Eddie has to pay child support for [his sons with Brandi Glanville,] Mason and Jake. And let’s face it, his career is at a standstill. LeAnn is the breadwinner and he’s not about to destroy that gravy train. But he’s checked out emotionally. Being with LeAnn is a lot of work. Eddie’s staring to question whether it’s even worth it.
LeAnn is trying to save her marriage by having a baby. She’s taking vitamins and charting her cycle, and she’s even putting on a few pounds, hoping it will help her conceive. Her goal is to be pregnant in 2013, no matter what — even if she has to try IVF. She blames some of her emotional problems on not having a baby of her own.”
Let me fix that third sentence for the source: “He told her he needs some time alone to get head from another ho.” There, that’s better.
Eddie Cibrian is such a sad excuse for a gold digger. That piece of trash needs to suck it up. What kind of wallet fucker stops milking his cash cow just because she’s annoying? Do you think Heather Mills liked listening to Beatles songs all day? No, but she drowned those songs out with the ka-ching sound of dollar signs popping in her head. Do you think Vanessa Bryant enjoys inhaling a cloud of side skank every time Kobe Bryant comes home? No, but she’s getting through it by imagining the day when the only thing she’ll inhale is the sweet scent of money, honey.
Living with a wild, untamed, crazy horse isn’t easy (I have seen The Horse Whisperer), but Eddie’s weak ass needs to pull his eyes out of the squint position and keep both of his seeing globes on the prize. What an embarrassment that Eddie Cibrian is.
Seven months after his ex-wife married Jeff Probst, the side ho she cheated with, Mark-Paul Gosselaar got hitched to his fiancee of one year Catriona McGinn at some winery in California. That’s nice and everything, but what I really want to know is if Zack Morris’ head got bigger or does his new bride have an abnormally skinny head? Or did drinking too many chocolate blueberry martinis (blergh, I know) last night give me a case of fun house hangover eyes?
People says that Zack and Catriona’s (Side note: I approve of any name that sounds like that of a lost She-Ra villain) pre-divorce ceremony took place at the Sunstone winery in Santa Ynez, Calif. The reception was held at The Max where Zack Attack performed Friends Forever before Jesse Spano ruined everything by smashing into the cake during a caffeine pill freakout.
Zack and Catriona and are going to honeymoon in Italy and he said this about their trip: “Trust me, we are going to eat our asses off!” I take back what I said about that pre-divorce ceremony shit, because a couple that rims together, stays together forever.