As expected, the American Idol runner-up and the sole reason why every Claymate’s got a crusty foam stain on the inside of her mom jeans is running for Congress in his home state of North Carolina. Alfred E. Neuman’s Southern gay cousin announced today that he’s coming for the seat in Congress that Rep. Renee Ellmers is currently sitting in. Future Congressginge Aiken released this campaign ad today and it’s perfection from his ensemble provided by the Eddie Bauer outlet to the gorgeous stock music which sounds like a song from a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Clay Aiken talks about sleeping on a mattress with his mom on a friend’s living room floor after she left his drunk, wife-beating dad and goes on to talk about wearing clothes from the thrift store. If Clay learned anything from American Idol, it’s how to put together a gold star sympathy video. I don’t know why, but that ad reminded me of an episode of Starting Over.
Clay briefly talks about losing American Idol and says that he’s not a politician, which I guess is something you say to the people to get them to trust you since most politicians are shady assholes who will face punch a baby for a vote, but this is not something you should say in a job interview. If you’re interviewing for a receptionist position, don’t say, “I am not a receptionist.” You will not get that job. Anyway, Clay also said some words to the Raleigh News Observer about running. I wish he would’ve just recited the lyrics to The Real Me.
“I saw this as the best place I could serve, because I think Washington, in general, is dysfunctional. I think it’s high time we put people in Congress who were not beholden to their party, and not beholden to anything but the people who they live around and grew up around, in my case.”
Clay’s campaign is going to focus on jobs and education and THE ECONOMY! Clay plans to get most of his campaign money from supporters and that means his campaign budget will be at least $10 billion since you know those Claymates are going raise money for their ovaries-busting God by selling all their relatives to a human trafficking ring.
The preliminary election for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District is in May. One of Clay’s opponents, Houston Barnes, has already announced that he’s dropping out and he’s not going for the Democratic spot so he can support Clay. Keith Crisco and Toni Morris are still planning to go up against Clay.
And here’s another video of Clay talking about politics and stuff:
I’d totally vote for Clay (NO CLAYMATE), but with that said, can somebody please get his ass a new “Glam Squad.” How can the people of North Carolina vote for a dude who only wears Wet N’ Wild foundation on his face (and not on his neck) and whose eyebrows always look like patches of dead grass? Clay’s beauty deserves better.
Two strange things happened at Sundance yesterday: Lindsay Lohan showed up and she didn’t look like a dried-up yeast infection sore. LiLo actually looked good for LiLo. (Side note: Every time someone types “LiLo looked good,” millions of locusts rehearse the swarm-forming process.) The other strange thing that happened is that LiLo held a press conference where she announced that she’s starring and producing a psychological thriller and somebody put up the $5 million needed to make that mess. Cut to the original Oprah going through her purse while wondering where that $5 million she pulled out of the ATM earlier went…..
Buzzfeed says that before the press conference started, reporters were told that if they asked LiLo any personal questions, they’d be shown the exit door. Randall Emmett, whose production company made End of Watch and Lone Survivor, proved that he and LiLo snorted the wrong stuff in the car ride over when he called her “one of the greatest young actresses of her generation.” Randall said that LiLo has already been insured and right now they’re looking for a director. They start shooting in either New Orleans or Atlanta in March, so if you’re in one of those places you have a little less than two months to stock up on as much coke as you can. Randall spit this out.
“We are up here today to announce a new movie that we’re funding and producing alongside Lindsay, called Inconceivable. The movie will start shooting in March, and Lindsay and I just felt that coming up to Sundance and being among the community up here to announce an independent film is a really special place.”
And as Robert Redford weeped at the bottom of a cold shower over Sundance becoming the ho stroll of Utah, LiLo told reporters what that shit is about:
“I fell in love with the script, and I contacted Randall, and kind of harassed him to make it happen. But it’s just a really interesting story. It’s a psychological thriller about a woman who’s kind of on a journey to reclaim something that was lost of hers. And it gets a bit dark, but it’s a really interesting twist, and it’s something that I’m really looking forward to doing sooner rather than later.”
A woman who’s on a journey to reclaim something she lost? So it’s basically a Lindsay Lohan biopic and follows her as she tries to get her old career back. I hope they make a documentary about the making of this, because I really want to see what Lindsay “the producer” does when Lindsay “the actress” shows up 4 hours late. Bitch can’t apologize by sucking herself off.
And seriously, LiLo is wasting her time with that movie. Everybody knows that her one and only comeback vehicle is Life-Size 2!
After the most natural and organic true love union between Kaley Cuoco and Superman bloomed and quickly died, I figured that she’d swear off love forever and spend her nights trolling the streets for in-love couples to stab in the throat. But Kaley Cuoco somehow managed to pick herself up, jump on a new dick, get engaged and get married. Kaley started boning professional tennis player Ryan Sweeting six months ago, three months later they were engaged to be married and now they’re husband and wife. And I’m sure they’ll stay married for the rest of eternity, or until Kaley needs more attention from People magazines and files for divorce, which will probably happen before the red velvet curtain closes on 2014. That’s real love!
People says that Kaley and Ryan’s pre-divorce ceremony happened at the Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Santa Susana, CA last night. 150 guests all spent their New Year’s Eve watching Kaley get married to the man who will probably become her first ex-husband.
I usually side-eye selfish whores who get married on Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve, but I’m sure there was an open bar and Kaley provided visual entertainment by looking like she was drowning in a jar of strawberry Fluff. And I’m sure Kaley has at least one drunk auntie who shook her head through the ceremony while saying, “From fake fucking Henry Cavill’s hot ass to this?! How dreadful, indeed.”
(Pic via Instagram)
A few months ago, the come-to-life Kid Sister doll Justin Bieber tried to butch himself up by growing a field of hair above his lip. But because his stache hairs were as delicate as the seeds on a dandelion, they blew away in the wind and he was once again left with an upper lip that was smoother a stripper’s waxed taint. It’s been a few months and the Biebs is practically a man now (I mean, sometimes he goes an entire night without running to his mommy’s bed after thinking he saw the Boogie Man *coughUshercough*) so he’s trying to grow a stache again.
Those testosterone boosters and Rogaine foam must be working, because he had a pussy strip of fuzz above his mouth in NYC this weekend. He’s trying, but that stache still looks as precious and delicate as the last one. It looks like he shaved a peach and then glued the fuzz onto his upper lip with Elmer’s. I’ve seen baby brows that look tougher than that moustache. Shit, Kim Kardashian could grow a thicker stache when she was a newborn. Speaking of the Kardashians, the only way Justin Bieber will have a bunch of luscious, thick hair on his upper lip is if one of them lets him toss their salad before a waxing appointment.
Here’s a riveting video starring pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving Cliffside in Malibu after spending a total of 90 days drying out. When the fillers in LiLo’s lips have dried up and turned to dust, she kind of looks like Bernann McKinney as a weekday pancake house hostess in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I’m saying is that LiLo has never looked better.
LiLo was supposed to stay in rehab for an extra 3 days, because she wanted to slowly seep back into the world, but I guess she said fuckit to that idea. TMZ says that instead of staying in rehab for a few more days, she’s going to live with a “sober coach.” This hasn’t been confirmed but I’m sure the name of her “sober coach” rhymes with Yack Maniels. Radar says that LiLo’s long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley was in court this morning to give the judge proof that she completed her court-ordered 90 days of rehab. Judge James Dabney also ordered LiLo to 3 therapy sessions a week as per (yes, I wanted to type “ass purr” really badly) the recommendation of Cliffside’s CEO. Judge James said this during today’s hearing:
“Ms. Lohan has successfully completed residential treatment, and it’s being recommended that she continue with her psychological counseling consisting of three 50 minute psychological counseling sessions per week. This can be done in person when she is in Los Angeles, or via Skype when she isn’t.”
There will be another hearing in November to make sure LiLo’s doing what she’s supposed to do.
Skype therapy?! That should work out and I’m sure her therapist won’t think something in the milk is White Oprah when a suddenly blonder “Lindsay Lohan” Skypes in from the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s in Long Island and immediately giggles about his little tie….
Seen above making a “Howsh uh-bouts a date, babeeeeee?” face that dozens of johns in the Tri-State area have probably seen at least once through their passenger window, White Oprah graced the NYC screening of the critically acclaimed masterpiece The Canyons (served on a tin spoon of powdered sarcasm) with her freckled presence yesterday. White Oprah went in Lindsay Lohan’s place, because LiLo is finishing up her last days in rehab. White Oprah might need to stand (or lie on the floor depending on how many shots she’s done) in LiLo’s place at other events, because LiLo is staying in rehab for at least 3 more days. In possibly related news, the makers of Adderall just temporarily took down the “WELCOME BACK!” sign that was taped on the front of their building.
TMZ says that LiLo is seriously serious about staying dry this time and has cut out the bad people in her life. (Cut to White Oprah and Michael Lohan running off to check to see if the AMEX card LiLo gave them still works.) LiLo doesn’t want to jump back into the wild right away, so she’s going to stay in rehab for 3 or 4 more days. She was supposed to check out of that bitch tomorrow. TMZ’s source says that even the side-eye throwers in LiLo’s life think things are different now and they went on to say, “It’s like invasion of the body snatchers. She’s a different person.”
Are we sure the source isn’t Agent Dana Scully, because they sound like a supernatural expert who is on to something. Lindsay Lohan took over Amanda Bynes’ body and the old Amanda Bynes took over Lindsay Lohan’s body! The truth is finally out there. Whatever, White Oprah doesn’t care either way, because she’s having the time of her life being Lindsay Lohan!
As expected, Halle Berry got herself a third husband in France yesterday. As Halle and Olivier Martinez’s friends and family stood in the back, taking bets on how long this shit is going to last, they got married at the Chateau des Conde in Vallery, France. Halle and Olivier’s wedding was small and just their 60 closest friends and family were invited. Gabriel Aubry wasn’t there, but he was included in the ceremony when Olivier said to Halle, “I promise to love and cherish you and beat the pretty out of your ex’s face whenever he comes to the door without calling first.”
People says that a civil union went down at around 4pm and then they had a religious ceremony right after. Some source told UsWeekly that after Halle and Olivier became future ex-wife and future ex-husband in a pre-divorce ceremony, they ate, danced and watched fireworks.
“White marquees were put up, and everyone was very discreet because it was a show business wedding. But generally it was pretty down-to-earth. They all partied long into the night.”
Halle’s unborn son and her daughter Nahla were also at the wedding, because, well, they had no choice. So yeah, Halle and Olivier took Nahla to France to get married. Yeah, I hope Gabriel’s got a premium Skype account, because he’s never going to see Nahla AGAIN!
And here’s some riveting pictures of Halle looking like she has to piss while being driven to her wedding.
Crazy ass Halle Berry must really want a third ex-husband, because sometime this weekend she’s going to marry the crazy ass who beat the pretty out of her daughter’s crazy ass father. Halle Berry married David Justice in 1993, married Eric Benet in 2001 and E! says that she will marry Olivier Martinez this weekend. End well: this probably isn’t, but Halle obviously doesn’t give a shit about that so neither should we.
E! says that Olivier, Halle and Nahla were all at LAX today to fly off to some secret wedding location. They’re obviously going to France. They probably told Gabriel Aubry that they’re just going to take Nahla for some ice cream and then they flew off to France to get married and they’re never coming baaaaaack.
But seriously, Halle is giving birth to their son sometime this fall, so her lawyer should be prepared for a busy 2014. Because after Halle births out their kid, they’re going to fight, break up, fight, file for divorce, fight, battle for custody of their son and fight some more. We’ve all seen this movie before.
And on a different note, why does Olivier look like he broke a contract he signed with Ursula the sea witch? He’s serving up some polyp realness.
Super whore (copyright: Adriana) Joanna Krupa from The Real Housewives of Miami married her on-and-off-again dude of 6 years Romain Zago in a $1 million wedding in Carlsbad, CA yesterday. I hope Joanna and Romain kept all the receipts, because they’re going to want a refund when their marriage throws itself in a shallow grave in about 6 months (I’m being generous).
Life & Style says that Joanna and Romain got married at the Park Hyatt Aviara Resort in front of Bravo’s cameras and 150 guests including her RHoM co-stars Adriana, Karent, Lisa and Alexia. Joanna wore a $30,000 gown by Chagoury Couture (keep the receipt, bitch!) and carried a bouquet of white roses and hydrangeas (again, keep the receipt, bitch!). The Daily Mail has pictures of Joanna’s dress and it looks like an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding swallowed a bunch of whipped cream and then barfed it all up. It looks like Joanna’s queefing and farting out a bunch of sea foam. It’s sophistication personified, basically.
Joanna and Romain first got engaged last year and then they pressed pause on their relationship last November before getting re-engaged later. I guess Bravo needed some kind of finale for the next season of RhoM, which is the only reason why these two messes got married, but who cares about them. The only thing I want to know is if the blossom of Miami, La Bruja, was the flower girl.
Yeah, right. Like that jealous bitch Joanna Krupa would ever let a shining jewel who is a million times more gorgeous than her upstage her at her own wedding. All the flowers at Joanna’s wedding would’ve died as soon as La Bruja sashayed down the aisle, because they would’ve known that they could never compete with a beauty as natural as hers.
And here’s some pictures of Joanna and some of her RHoM co-hos at her bachelorette party a few days ago and pictures of Romain’s bulge last month. I really hope Romain’s bulge was the ring bearer at his wedding.
At least one ex child star has annoy the shit out of NYC at all times, and since Lindsay Lohan is in L.A. right now, it’s up to Amanda Bynes and she got the job done. Amanda Bynes moved out of her Manhattan apartment yesterday, because the building management sent her a GTFO note after getting complaints from her neighbors that she was filling the place up with weed smoke. Instead of investing in a vaporizer, Amanda picked up her bong and moved to a place that appreciates the sweet scent of the good shit.
TMZ says the letter from management said that her lease would be ripped up and stuck in her bong at the end of this month, because it’s a non-smoking building. Neighbors kept bitching about the weed smoke coming from her apartment all day and all night. Amanda was also known for toking up in the hallways. Amanda could’ve tried to fight management’s decision, but she decided to move out instead.
1. How is Amanda getting money for weed and a last-minute moving truck? Never underestimate the royalties for The Amanda Show and All That.
2. Why didn’t Amanda just do what every stoner college student (or me at my mom’s house) does when they don’t want weed haters to smell their pot smoke? Just blow the smoke into a toilet paper roll stuffed with Downy Dryer sheets. That’s stoner 101! They teach that in preschool.
3. If I lived in Amanda’s building, I wouldn’t complain about the weed smoke, because I’d be too busy sucking the clouds of the good shit wafting out from the crack under her door.
(pic via Instagram)