I’m using an old picture of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton as wax figures, because Lindsay has a better chance of getting Paris’ wax figure to show up to her party than the real thing. But what’s the difference really.
If celebrities were awarded for their foolery each year, Benjamin McKenzie and Morena Baccarin would’ve won the award for Most Surprising Couple To Bring The ESCANDALONESS in 2015. In one swoop, we learned the following: Morena and her husband Austin Chick are over! Morena cheated on Austin with Ben! Morena is knocked up with Ben’s baby! Morena is fighting Austin for custody of their kid! Morena and Ben are probably engaged! They slowed down a bit as Morena tussled with Austin over spousal and child support (she has to pay him $23k a month), but she and Ben finally got around to getting married. Took their asses long enough!
People says that Ben and Morena’s pre-divorce ceremony went down at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens in Brooklyn on Friday, the same day as her 38th birthday. They got married in front of a small group of their family and friends. Morena and Ben, who is also 38 years old, first got together while shooting Gotham. Morena gave birth to their daughter, Frances Laiz Setta Schenkkan, in March 2016.
These two messes moved so fast that by now they should’ve already been married, divorced and with new pieces. Are we sure this is their first time getting married? Hmmm, that’s got me thinking. Someone call into TMZ’s tip line and tell them to check to see if Ben and Morena got married in 2016, got divorced that same year after she got caught passing her poon and then got back together again this year. The wedding that happened on Friday was obviously their second time getting married. That’s the only explanation for this.
While many Hollywood actors are screaming chunks of their lungs out as they protest against Donald Trump, Matthew McConaughey has taken a tip from Nicole Kidman’s playbook titled: Err, Try To Keep It As Safe As You Can, Because You’ve Got A Movie To Sell, Bitch.
Remember how we recently found out that Hilary Duff was sniffing around for dudes on Tinder? It turns out she might be trying to get more than just no-strings-attached dick out of it. According to TMZ, Hilary (who is starting to look like Lizzie McGuire in lazy Mrs. Slocombe drag, if I’m being totally honest with myself) is going to tape all her Tinder dates and is hoping to turn them into a reality show.
So far, Hilary has only been on one date (they went bowling) and a “source with direct knowledge” tells TMZ there were cameras there recording the whole thing. They claim that once Hilary has enough footage, she’ll try to sell it as a reality show about her new life as a recent divorcée. And if that doesn’t work, she could always rent a bus, fill it with 5 dudes, and pitch it to MTV as a Next reboot. I would 100% watch that.
First dates with someone you meet online are the worst. I would rather eat a sock filled with lukewarm poo than go on a first date, let alone bring a film crew with me so I can film it and have everyone I know watch it later. Who wants to watch two people who met online awkwardly say “Um…so…” over plates of nacho spring rolls and $12 drinks for two hours while they subtly try to scan their phone for other users in their area?
Besides, the only thing that can save a first date is when one person suggests you go back to their place and “watch Netflix or something” (aka drunk hump on the couch), but I don’t think we’ll be lucky enough to see that part on Hilary’s reality show.
Because the world would be lost if everyone didn’t know which is the best spa to get your pussy steamed (pictured above on Goopy’s shoulder: what her pussy looks like after it gets steamed) and didn’t have a place to buy $32 cleaning products for your housekeeping staff to use, Goopy Paltrow wants her kids to take over Goop one day. This is actually good news, because our children’s children really deserve to laugh at all the dumb shit Goop throws up the same way we did.
In an interview with Bloomberg, Goopy says that Goop isn’t a super luxury site, it’s an “aspirational” site. I know, she spelled “fucking ridiculous” wrong. But really, she has a point. Who doesn’t aspire to starve themselves by only eating purified air to fit into a $2500 jumpsuit made from organic cotton picked from a field where the Dalai Lama once pissed in while meditating. Goopy thinks that her site can last forever and she hopes that one day she can step away and let little Apple and Moses run it.
“My dream would be that in 20 years, people would sort of recollect that I maybe had something to do with it at one point and my involvement would be less essential. I never wanted to do a proprietary brand. I wanted it to be its own thing that my children could run one day if they wanted to.”
Based on the rumors from last year that Goop is bleeding cash , Goop might not make it another 20 months let alone another 20 years. And now that Goopy has said that she wants Apple and Moses to take over her web emporium of overpriced ridiculousness, I fully expect them to one day change their names to Gluten and Cheese Whiz and open up a site called FuckGoop.org, where they’ll sell processed meat logs and $2 dorm shower flip flops just to spite their mom.
And here’s Chris Martin and his hard nipples carrying a Farmshop bag (that bag is totally filled with McDonald’s) while running errands in Brentwood the other day.