Golden Voice Has Quit Rehab

Ted Williams, the homeless man turned America’s sweetheart, vowed to Dr. Phil earlier this month to get clean, hop off the bottle for good and not take this second life opportunity for granted. Dr. Phil set Golden Voice up at a rehab facility in Texas and he was supposed to stay there a few months to deal with his addictions to booze and the bad shit. We weren’t supposed to hear from Golden Voice until he sashays out of rehab in a few months and victoriously sings into the skies causing a flock of nightingales to fly around him. That’s how the fairy tale was supposed to end. But the real truth is that Golden Voice has given a giant FUCK YOU to the medical professionals treating him in rehab and checked out of there after only two weeks.

TMZ says that Golden Voice is on his way to the airport now. Destination unknown. His girlfriend is also in rehab in California, so maybe he’s headed there. There’s also a chance that he’s head to California to personally punch Dr. Philofshit in the DURR dome for sending him to a rehab facility that doesn’t keep their kitchen stocked with Mac & Cheese. That would be considered a happy ending too.

Golden Voice Is Off To Rehab

In just under 2 weeks, Ted Williams has gone from homeless man to viral star to media angel to Dr. Phil guest to rehabber. Ted, this is your career on speed (bad analogy?). Ted is doing in 2 weeks what took Lindsay Lohan years (sans the vagina flashing and crashing into parked cars).

Dr. Phil is patting himself on the fat taint today, because he’s the one who talked Golden Voice into checking into rehab for drug and alcohol addictions. Golden Voice has claimed that he’s sober, but he’s really been guzzling that sweet nectar almost every single day this whole time.

Out of all people, it had to be Dr. Phil that helped Golden Voice. Dr. Phil’s head is already swole up and now it’s going to pop. Wait. Maybe that was Golden Voice’s plan all along? Well played. But really, when Golden Voice gets out of Promises Malibu, or wherever the hell he’s going, I look forward to his comeback world tour.

via NYDN

Oh, Golden Voice!

Golden Voice’s heartwarming story about his rise from the cardboard box cabana to NATIONAL FAME has just taken a nosedive into Jerry Springer territory. Oh here go hell come. Ted Williams and his daughter both got into some trouble with the LAPD on Monday night after they had a huge fight in his hotel room in Hollywood. Ted needs more people (or some people, at least), because he immediately gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight about what went down in his hotel room. Ted’s daughter also gave her side of the story to Dr. Phil. Yes, that rancid scent clogging up your nostrils is coming from the coagulated sperm balls that secreted out of Dr. Phil’s head pores after he landed this story.

Ted claims that his daughter is a greedy money-grubber who has threatened to sell him out for a quick cashiers check if he doesn’t give her a cut. Ted also says that the cuts on his face are from his daughter attacking his ass like a wild banshee. But Ted’s daughter says that he’s the giant ball of anger and that his newfound fame has pushed him back into his old ways. She says that he’s back on the bottle. Specifically, the Grey Goose bottle.

What part of the game is this? This is not the option I chose in the Choose Your Own Adventure book titled: The Rise of Golden Voice! From crackhead to homeless man to America’s sweetheart to tabloid star to cast member on Celebrity Rehab. It’s like we saved a baby chick with a broken leg, brought it into our homes, made it a makeshift splint with Band-Aids and a matchstick, pet it gently on the head…..and then quickly punched in the beak and ripped off that splint with a staple remover.

Well, but at least Golden Voice went with Grey Goose. Good choice!

Trouble For Golden Voice!

Ted Williams, the homeless dude who quickly rode to the top on the clouds of gold dust that float out of his mouth, was temporarily detained by the LAPD last night after he got into some sort of “altercation” with one of his daughters at the Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood. A hotel employee called the police when the hollers coming from Golden Voice’s room made the walls shake and shit. TMZ says that the brawl of words between Golden Voice and his daughter was all about money. Like you had to ask.

Can you imagine Golden Voice screaming “Fuck you, you gold digging bitch of a daughter! I don’t owe your triflin’ ass shit!” in his beautiful radio voice? I hope he sells that as an outgoing voicemail, because my iPhone really needs that in its mouth!

Golden Voice and his daughter were both brought into the station, but were later released since neither of them was interested in pressing charges.

This might be the quickest “rise to fame, fall from fame” story ever. I’ve stood in lines at Arby’s that have lasted longer than this. No, no, no, everything is going to be fine especially since Dr. Phil is talking to Golden Voice tonight. Yes, Dr. Phil put Golden Voice up in that hotel! IT’S CURSED!

Or last night’s incident with the police was the gods’ way of trying to keep Golden Voice from seeing Dr. Philofshit tonight and it didn’t work. Listen to the gods, Golden Voice!