I don’t know for sure if the face you’re looking at above has been done dirty by bad Botox. But considering that it looks like Kelly Ripa’s teeth were called in last minute by her facial muscles to make a smile happen, I’m going to say: maybe? Kelly Ripa has admitted in the past that she loves Botox. Unfortunately, Kelly said on Live with Kelly yesterday that Botox once messed up her face six ways from Sunday.
Despite the fact that her forehead is smoother than the ice under a zamboni and her eyebrows look like they’re being hoisted up by invisible angels and that overall she looks like she falls somewhere between “Rachel Zoe” and “Courteney Cox” on the Kidman Scale of Stiffness, Kelly Ripa has confirmed what anyone with at least one working eyeball already knows: that her face is full of Botox. The love child of Tinkerbell and The Hulk was on Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday where she revealed her “beauty secret” (it’s not a secret if everyone knows, but go on) to a caller:
“Botox. And that’s pretty much it. People are very ritualistic about their beauty routine. I am not. I’m not advocating one way or the other but I’m just saying Botox has changed my life. It’s cut my getting ready time in half…suddenly my eyelids are no longer resting on my eyelashes. I think the key with anything is knowing what you look like and being a minimalist.”
Except when it comes to her belly button, in which case, Kelly Ripa is all “FUCK MINIMALISM – GO BIG OR GO HOME”. Although something tells me she’s given it the Botox treatment too, because that thing is as plump and smooth as a grape.
Maybe it’s because I’m not a scientist and the only thing I really know about Botox is that it can take a normal-looking face and turn it into something that resembles a cheap halloween mask made from melted butterscotch pudding (see: Kim Kardashian). But is it safe to inject it into your eyelids? Ugh, listen to me – I’ll CLEARLY never be a glamorous frozen-faced beauty. What would my plasticine-faced earth angel, Bruce Jenner, say if he hear me asking such dumb questions? “Oh Allison, of course it’s not safe! But you can’t correct what you won’t inject!”
You could watch Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA commercial 40 times on repeat while flipping through the photo album containing pictures of your cat who ran away when you were 8, and it still won’t be as depressing as this picture of a dead-inside Kim Kardashian being given to her client of the evening by Pimp Mama Kris. “Here you are, Mr. Lugner: this is my bottom bitch, Kim. Kim likes long walks on the ho stroll and short marriages. Smile, trick! Show ’em why you’re worth that $500,000. Half a million dollas make a Pimp Mama holla, so clickety clack, bitch, clickety clack!”
Ever since Kim arrived in Vienna as business tycoon Richard Lugner’s date to the ultra-fancy Vienna Opera Ball, its been one Botox-injected mess after another. Despite being paid $500,000 for her appearance, Kim bailed on an afternoon with her host and went to get Schnitzel with PMK instead (is ‘Schnitzel’ the street term for ‘injections’ in Austria?) to which Lugner claimed Kim was being “annoying”. Then shortly after arriving to the Opera Ball with Lugner and PMK, TMZ is saying that things got half a million times worse when Lugner started getting aggressively handsy with Kim, and encouraging her to ditch her security detail. And Pimp Mama Kris never stepped in to protect her ho by telling Lugner to respect the merchandise? Damn, that’s ice cold. Pimps everywhere just sucked their teeth at Kris for putting shame in the pimp game.
Later on, as Kim was taking pictures with Lugner (and that vile snake Kris was in the pimpmobile counting her money) a man approached Kim in blackface pretending to be Kanye West. It would have been funnier if someone had approached her dressed as a urinal cake (“We’re both made of a blend of toxic chemicals and we’re famous for letting people pee on us! Har har har”) but I guess Kanye Blackface Guy didn’t have a ton of time to prepare and just chose the most offensive thing he could put together that didn’t involve dressing up as Ray J’s dick.
Finally, Kim pulled a Half Baked and walked out carrying the remaining shred of our dignity after a guest approached her asking if she’d dance with him if the orchestra played “N****rs in Vienna”. Sadly, she had to find her own ride home because Kris had fallen asleep on a pile of blood money in the back of the pimpmobile.
Here’s more of Kim at the Vienna Opera Ball before everything turned to shit (well, a looser, smellier shit). Leave it to Kim to show up to a fancy black-tie event in a skirt that shows off her Spanx-wrapped money maker. #suchclassy
Direct your prayers to the people of Vienna, Austria today, because a plastic clown-faced famewhore and her Satan’s Seal of Approval mother are terrorizing their city as we speak. It looks like Pimp Mama Kris needed a bit of extra plastic surgery cash, because she pimped out Kash Kow Kimmy for $500,000 to 81-year-old business tycoon Richard Lugner. Every year, Richard
pays invites a high-profile whore escort prostitute guest to escort him to the Vienna Opera Ball. Past guests have included Parasite Hilton, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, so you know he only chooses the classiest of skanks.
However, according to Radar, it took Richard about 0.02 seconds to realize he made a terrible investment. DUH! Everybody knows you never put your money on the piss-covered ho!
“Kim is annoying me,” Lugner told reporters. “Because she’s not sticking to the program.”
Only hours after her arrival, Lugner claimed, the reality star stood him up to go to a Schnitzel restaurant with her mom Jenner, and film scenes for her reality show.
“She’s filming and so she doesn’t want to have me around,” he said. The 81-year-old angrily insisted, “The guest should be with me and not anywhere else that is not agreed upon.”
And even when it comes to scheduled appearances, Kardashian has made it clear she won’t follow his schedule. Though Lugner had told press he would dance with her at 11:45 p.m. during the ball, Kardashian said in a press conference that she’d have mom Jenner take her place, explaining, “I’d rather watch the dancing.”
You’ll be watching, all right; watching that $500,000 cheque dance out of you bank account. What in the hell is wrong with Pimp Mama Kris?? Has she lost all control of her ho? Does Silky Johnson need to step in and teach a pimp how its done?
And I need to send somebody at Radar a deluxe muffin basket, because they are killing it with this story about Kim’s melted drowsy candle-face. Radar has pointed out that Kim’s face looks much more frozen than usual and thinks she hit up Botox-R-Us before leaving for Austria. Personally, I don’t think it’s Botox; homegirl looks she’s been injecting face with melted-down Beast Man action figures, because bitch is a hard shade of orange plastic:
Here’s more of Kim at a mall in Vienna watching negotiations between her pimp and a john. And by the way, Kim…you can put the microphone down now – you don’t need to keep reminding everyone how you became famous: