When I first read the headline “Iowa Man Convicted of Plotting to Steal Domain Name At Gunpoint” all I could think of was the scene in Zoolander where someone says the files are in the computer and Zoolander breaks open the computer looking for actual files. This is how I imagine stealing a domain at gunpoint would work. Just some robber looking for a physical representation of an internet domain name and getting more and more frustrated.
The t-shirt and saltwater taffy shops of the Jersey Shore will be a little quieter and void of third-person self-references this summer, as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino reported to prison today for trying to hide millions from Uncle Sam. Mike was sentenced back in October to eight months in the slammer after he and his brother, Marc Sorrentino, were found guilty of failing to pay taxes on two businesses they own, and incorrectly reporting $9 million of income. Marc got two years in jail, so count your blessed situation, The Situation! Mike do-si-doed into jail earlier this afternoon, and it looks like he’ll have another famous face to pump iron with in the prison yard.
It’s a small blessing Suge Knight looks good in orange (that’s the first and last compliment I’ll ever give to him), because he could possibly spend the next 28 years head-to-toe in the color. According to TMZ and CNN, Suge Knight’s 2015 hit-and-run murder case is finally over and it ended with him pleading “no contest” to manslaughter.
Considering that less than a month ago he was found guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault for drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand, Bill Cosby’s probably doing just fine. He’s on house arrest and is posted up in his Pennsylvania mansion which probably isn’t even haunted. His wife Camille still, I’m sure, brings him his slippers every morning and plants a sweet kiss on her favorite grotesque head mole. But his ordeal isn’t over yet. According to CNN, the 80-year-old Cosby has a sentencing hearing scheduled for September 24th and 25th where he could face up to 30 years in prison (that’s 10 years for each count). However, the likelihood of him rotting away in a jail cell and turning into Ghost Dad for reals, is small.