Category: Girlfriend Please
Goopy Paltrow And Her Husband Brad Falchuk Talk About Sex In Time Of Corona
And yes, my thoughts about this are best expressed through Brad Falchuk’s “Why me?” face as Goopy Paltrow brain farts out another piece of brilliant wisdom while looking like an uppity mouse.
Since Goopy Paltrow thinks she’s the Dr. Ruth of the super rich snobby lady set, she hosted a chat with “intimacy coach” Michaela Boehm about corona quarantine fuck times in a video for Goop that is really just an insufferable infomercial for one of Michaela’s courses. One of the questions that Goopy asked is how are she and Brad supposed to hump the goop out of each other while they’re in such “close quarters” with the kids. I see all of you rolling your eyes at Goopy saying that they’re in “close quarters” in their gigantic Brentwood mansion. But honestly, living in the same universe as Goopy and Mr. Goopy is considered “close quarters.”
Josh Brolin Claims He Ended Up With A Chicharrón Anus After Sunbathing His Butthole
On a past episode of Dlisted: The Podcast, Allison and I wrapped our brains around sundried butt blossoms while talking about butthole sunbathing, the ancient Taoist practice where you supposedly get a big shot of Vitamin D by presenting your hole to the sun for 30 seconds. While I am a thorough believer in lifting your hole up in the air for some hot D, Allison and I both said that we think butthole sunbathing is a fried turd out of a sunburnt asshole. But others are willing to risk their bare asshole getting stung by a bee in the name of wellness. One of those others was Josh Brolin who claimed that he got bareback butt fucked by the sun’s rays and now his b-hole is playing Dolly Parton’s Baby, I’m Burning. Strangely enough, that’s the #1 played song on my b-hole too (my BrownSpotify list), but for totally different reasons.
That YouTuber Who Got Caught Hitting And Spitting On Her Dog Is Being Investigated By The LAPD
Lucifer’s minions are going to be busy for a while, because they’re going to need to expand the YouTuber wing of Hell’s Special Place to make room for another future resident who will join Logan Paul, that Fantastic Adventures demon mom, and the LaBrant parents. That future resident of Hell’s Special Place is Brooke Houts, a YouTuber with over 300,000 subscribers, whose digital whoopsie has turned into an investigation by the LAPD’s Animal Cruelty unit. Brooke got caught abusing her Doberman Sphinx. Brooke’s YouTube career might be over, but she shouldn’t worry, because if Michael Vick ever puts together a network, Brooke is a shoo-in to star in her own show The Dog Yeller™.
Denise Richards Denies Botox And Says It’s Just High-Tech Facials
Rich people can buy anything. Now technology is so advanced rich women be out here like: “No! I don’t get injections! I get lasers shot into my face at a rate of 190 miles per hour which then vibrates my molecules into the past through a high-pitched frequency that physically turns back time in my face.” Phewf! It’s not injections!
Denise Richards hopped on Instagram to “prove” to us that she doesn’t get injections or Botox to maintain her timelessness and instead just uses high-tech medical devices to perpetuate her youth.
Dionne Warwick Doesn’t Think That Beyonce Is An Icon Yet, And Of Course The Beyhive Came For Her
Seen above getting her slappin’ hand ready for any Beyhivers who want to get the stingers slapped off of them by coming after her, Dionne Warwick told zero lies when she said that there are no new musical icons and not even Beyonce has reached that status yet. I should say that Dionne wasn’t totally telling the truth when she said that a musical artiste of today has yet to be crowned an icon for the ages. I mean, has Cousin Dionne’s ears felt the sweet humping of Jan Terri yet?
Aunt Becky And Mossimo May Play The “We Didn’t Know We Were Bribing Anyone” Card
Yes, the people going, “Oh God, I can’t with your asses,” in the background speak for us all!
Lori Loughlin and Mossimo are facing decades upon decades in the clink, because they refused to take a plea deal and plead guilty, so they got even more charges thrown at them for their alleged involvement in the college admissions scandal. We already heard from a source who claimed that Aunt Becky and Mossimo were telling people that they didn’t know they were doing anything illegal by bribing an official, but if they said that in court, there’s a good chance Lady Justice would fart on both of their mouths. Because the court doesn’t really count ignorance of a law as an excuse. So they’ve reportedly came up with another genius excuse!