Category: Girlfriend Please

Roseanne Barr Begged ABC Not To Dump Her Show, And There’s A Chance They’ll Bring It Back Without Her 

June 1, 2018 / Posted by:

It took Mickey Mouse approximately forty-five seconds to gather one of his biggest cash cows, the Roseanne revival, and shoot it out back after Roseanne Barr earned a place as KKK Monthly’s Person of the Year by comparing Valerie Jarrett to an ape. Even though Roseanne could’ve brought in $65 million in ad sales for its second season, ABC canceled it after one of its producers Wanda Sykes washed her hands of it and several cast members clutched their pearls while cooing, “I do declare, I am disgusted that Roseanne tweeted the kind of tweet she’s tweeted many times over the years!” Roseanne tweeted yesterday that she begged ABC to keep the show, and now TMZ is saying that ABC may keep the show but it’ll be Roseanne without Roseanne. So, NOseanne, I guess.

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Blame It On The Ambien: The Roseanne Barr Edition

May 30, 2018 / Posted by:

Sanofi-Aventis, the makers of Ambien, really need to update the side effects lingo in all their ads and commercials to read: Side effects may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness, headache, sleep walking, eating or driving while not fully awake, memory loss, confusion, hallucinations, and making racist tweets about former presidential advisers.

After colossal Twitter mess Roseanne Barr twatted up an apology for calling former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett the baby of the “muslim brotherhood” and “planet of the apes,” she declared that she was leaving Twitter. But as anyone who has followed Roseanne knows, when she says that she’s leaving Twitter, what she really means is that she’s not leaving Twitter and just needs to recharge so she’ll be fully powered to spit out more foolery. Roseanne was back on Twitter a quick second after quitting, and went after the co-stars of her now-dead show for throwing her under the bus, said that she thought Valerie Jarrett is “saudi” and “Jewish,” and said she was on Ambien at the time of her racist tweet. QUICK, Lunesta Moth, now is your time to shine, flutter around and let everyone know that Lunesta doesn’t make people racist.

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Blake Shelton Says That His Obvious Tweet About Miranda Lambert Isn’t Necessarily About Her 

May 1, 2018 / Posted by:

Right after the rumors came out that Miranda Lambert once again boned the wedding ring off of a married man, her ex-husband Blake Shelton decided he needed some attention and tweeted something about karma. The “high road” that Blake Shelton has been taking must be called Petty Bitch Blvd.

That tweet was obviously about Miranda since while she was married to Blake, her crotch biscuit supposedly collected more side items than what’s on a Popeye’s menu (and his dick supposedly wandered into plenty of side snatches). But Blake talked about that tweet with both Extra and Entertainment Tonight, and says that people can think whatever they want and he doesn’t have time to worry about it. Yes, and he proved he doesn’t have time to worry about that tweet by talking about that tweet with anyone who put a mic in front of his talk hole.

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Justin Timberlake Says It’s All Good Between Him And Janet Jackson

January 17, 2018 / Posted by:

There’s many reasons to be annoyed by Justin Timerlake. Like his phoniness, or his new Man of The Woods persona that turned out to be a “Filthyfake-out, or that awful Troll song, or how SexyBack makes my dick want to shrivel up and die and I don’t even have a dick! But the thing I dislike most about him is how he behaved after Nipplegate during the Super Bowl. Justin has always been dodgy about pulling Janet Jackson’s top off during the Super Bowl Halftime Show in 2004, and now he’s saying that things are good between he and Janet after he threw her and her nipple under the bus.

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Marky Mark’s Contract Had To Do With Him Getting Paid $1.5 Million For “All The Money In The World” Reshoots 

January 12, 2018 / Posted by:

Marky Mark’s team hasn’t said anything about the story that he got $1.5 million while his co-star Michelle Williams got under $1,000 for reshoots on All The Money In The World. But why should Marky Mark’s team open their mouths to the media when “sources” are out there defending them. Sources are now saying don’t hate the player, hate the game. And yes, I brought out that saying in 2018. I am your cool auntie who loves that hip new rapper Lil’ Bow Wow and still considers her bedazzled Motorola Razr her prized possession. Boo ya!

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Ellen DeGeneres Laughed At Eric Trump’s Ass For Suggesting She’s Part Of “Deep State”

January 4, 2018 / Posted by:

The day before Donald Trump and Steve Bannon went from tongue boning each other in the asshole to eating each other alive (and definitely not in a sexy way), the Trump son who isn’t Don Jr. or Barron, decided to remind people that he exists by putting on his tin foil MAGA cap to say that he believes that Ellen DeGeneres is a secret member of an organization that is trying to undermine his dad. (SPOILER ALERT: The organization that is trying to undermine Trump exists in Trump’s head since it’s his own brain.)

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