Category: Girlfriend Please

Stephen Dorff Thinks “Black Widow” Is Trash And He’s Embarrassed For Scarlett Johansson

July 6, 2021 / Posted by:

If you regularly wake up from your brain being hit with one of the most important questions of our time, “What does the star of Space Truckers think of Marvel movies,” you’re about to get a peaceful night’s sleep because Stephen Dorff has finally burped up an answer. Stephen hates them and he specifically called out Black Widow by pretty much saying that it’s premiere should be held in a landfill since it’s garbage. It doesn’t seem like Stephen has even seen Black Widow yet, but he still believes that Scarlett Johansson should be hiding her face in shame because of it. Um, there are many, many, MANY, many things that ScarJo should be embarassed about, but collecting millions upon millions of dollars to mumble out scripted lines while wearing a black jumpsuit isn’t one of them to me. But to serious thespian Stephen Dorff, it is!

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Khloé Kardashian Has Addressed The “Unauthorized” Picture Of Her

April 8, 2021 / Posted by:

Earlier this week, a picture of Khloé Kardashian was posted to Instagram and it showed a new side of Khloé because it showed what she actually looks like without all kinds of CGI, Photoshop, and filtered wizardry. It’s rumored that her grandma, MJ Houghton, posted the pic, which might explain how such a photo was able to slip past the family’s in-house reality distortion experts. Naturally (no pun intended), Khloé wanted that picture gone immediately. She first sent the family’s lawyers to get rid of the picture. Now she’s talking about it, and explaining why she really didn’t want that picture to see the light of day.

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The Royal Family Is Not Racist, So Says Prince William

March 11, 2021 / Posted by:

Well, everyone, case closed! Racism does not exist in the Royal Family! Prince William has said so! I guess this also means that the sky is not blue, water is not wet, bears do not shit in the woods, and P. Willy’s got a head full of luscious locks and he’s been wearing a bald cap this entire time!

William and Duchess Kate did one of their hand-shaking elbow-bumping events today, and a reporter asked him a couple of questions including if the Royal Family is racist. William should’ve just pretended that the question got lost in the wind and never made it into his earholes, but instead, he answered it, saying that they’re not racist. As the laugh track was cued up, Princess Michael of Kunt’s racist brooch probably threw the most scathing side-eye, and Prince Philip’s ears burned something extra after hearing the words “racist” and “royal” while in his hospital bed.

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Trump Gave Clemency To Lil Wayne And Kodak Black, But None For Joe Exotic

January 20, 2021 / Posted by:

Before Donald Trump and Melania Trump left the White House today (with him heading to Mar-A-Largo and her probably heading straight to her divorce lawyers), he laid down his last official duty as POTUS, which was to put a Whoopee cushion on President Joe Biden’s Oval Office chair. And before that, he did his second to last official doody as POTUS by leaving a doody in President Joe Biden’s Oval Office bathroom. And before that, he did his third to last official duty by throwing out 73 pardons and 70 commutations including to those whose tongues went further up his ass. And as Ben told us yesterday, Lil Wayne’s tongue did just that and Trump made it official by pardoning him. Trump’s only last fwend Steve Bannon also got a pardon, and rapper Kodak Black got a commutation. But Joe Exotic, aka Tiger King, is going to have to keep using a Sharpie to draw tiger and cheetah print on his prison jumpsuits to keep it glamorous in the chokey because bitch didn’t get shit!

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There’s Three Words That Cardi B Says She’ll Never Rap (And She’s Already Rapped One Of Them)

August 26, 2020 / Posted by:

And no, the three words aren’t: I love Nicki.

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s musical tribute to panty pudding is #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for the second week in a row, and to keep the WAP momentum going, she did an interview with Australia’s Kyle & Jackie O radio show and told them the three words that will never leap off of her tongue in a song because it gives her the icks. And well, we do know that on top of those the words, the words, “praise Melania Trump”, will never be said or typed by Cardi, because after a troll randomly compared Cardi B and Melania Trump during last night’s Republican National Convention, Cardi’s WAP clapped back twice. And yes, I got a little WAP juice in my eye during that “clap-back.

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Forbes Officially Names Kanye West As A Billionaire, But He’s Still Not Totally Happy

April 25, 2020 / Posted by:

Despite being a proud MAGA supporter, and his 2018 comments that slavery seemed like “a choice” notwithstanding, Kanye West is, for some reason, still heralded as a genius, a revolutionary, and a deity (but that’s mostly when he’s talking to himself in the mirror). Well now, Taylor Swift’s forever arch-enemy has another adjective to throw up in front of his name: billionaire. Kanye, who claimed he was in debt four years ago, has now officially been ranked as a member of the Billionaire Boys Club––and he wants everybody to know it.

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