And yes, I should tell you in advance that this post was co-written by Bitter and Petty. (“Aren’t all your posts?” – you)
The Queen biopic lost its director this week when prolific twink hunter Bryan Singer was given his “Bye Bitch!” papers for reportedly causing a bigger on-set mess than a bunch of drunks girls doing Bohemian Rhapsody at a karaoke bar (I have witnessed this years ago and I’m still trying to forget that ear-killing sound). Bryan was accused of no-showing several times and throwing something during a fight with Rami Malek, who plays Freddie Mercury. But according to Bryan himself, he’s the real victim here! Those diarrhea-hearted shit demons at Fox kicked him out for being sick and for caring for a sick parent. Bryan should’ve laid it on thicker. He should’ve said that he also had to care for the sick puppy he rescued from a burning building.
I don’t trust anybody named Trump as far as I can throw them. Ivanka Trump, perhaps the most easily tossed Trump, is no exception. So when Ivanka says she went through a “punk phase”, I’ve got to go see my ophthalmologist for severe spraining of the eyeballs. Ivanka wrote a chapter in her mom Ivana Trump‘s book Raising Trump, and because she’s a bad liar, she revealed that she used to shoplift tampons with GG Allin back in the day. Or close to it!
In the opening scene of 2008’s Valkyrie, Tom Cruise gets knocked over by an explosion and as he gets up, he sticks dat ass out and it looks like he’s presenting his hungry hole to a top. An ass aficionado (assicionado?) on Twitter, perfectly named @iluvbutts247, noticed the giant Tempur-Pedic peach on Tom’s ass area, and in their expert opinion, it looked like he was wearing the pillow bump that Katie Holmes allegedly wore as the real Suri Cruise was being grown in a Scientology lab on Gold Base. But while Tommy may be a big fake ass, he didn’t wear one in Valkyrie, or so he says.
If Taylor Swift is out there listening, Katy Perry has a message for you, and it’s basically: “Hi Taylor! Do you wanna walk home from school with me? I’ll be waiting at my locker!”
When I went to see Adele, I was drunk on overpriced arena wine, but I still remember her saying that she probably wasn’t going to tour again. It’s actually amazing that I was able to hear Adele say that through the sound of thousands of women crying their tear ducts out as their ovaries combusted from hearing her sing live. But just in case nobody heard Adele announce that there’s a chance she may never go on tour again, she told her fans in an Instagram post that her third concert tour could be her last.