Category: Girlfriend Please

Adele May Never Ever Tour Again 

June 29, 2017 / Posted by:

When I went to see Adele, I was drunk on overpriced arena wine, but I still remember her saying that she probably wasn’t going to tour again. It’s actually amazing that I was able to hear Adele say that through the sound of thousands of women crying their tear ducts out as their ovaries combusted from hearing her sing live. But just in case nobody heard Adele announce that there’s a chance she may never go on tour again, she told her fans in an Instagram post that her third concert tour could be her last.

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Prince Hot Ginge Says That None Of The Royals Want The Crown

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Since Prince Hot Ginge wants nothing to do with the crown, I should remove it from my homomade (on purpose typo) PHG Real Doll during our “dates.” You know, to make the experience oh-so-realistic.

PHG did a long interview with Newsweek and he mostly talked about his charity stuff, but he also talked about how losing his mom at a young age really fucked with him, and he gave his thoughts about the future of the monarchy. He didn’t talk about Meghan Markle, but a “source” did and said that things are still new between them and if they get engaged, it won’t happen before the end of the year.

PHG says that his mom wanted him and his brother to live as normal of a life as possible, so he does his own grocery shopping and buys his own meat (wink win), but he also knows that he’s a prince and believes that his country and beyond still needs the magic of the monarchy.

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RIP Acting (500ish BC – 2017 AD): Daniel Day-Lewis Is Done With Being An Actor….Again

June 20, 2017 / Posted by:

History says that the art of acting was born before 534 BC when Thespis took the stage and played a character in a play. Well, the art of acting had a really good run, but the game is done now that the ac-TOR of all ac-TORS, Daniel Day-Lewis, has announced to the world that he’s retiring forever! Today, the comedy and tragedy masks are both crying over acting being done!

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Goopy Paltrow Admits That She Doesn’t Know What The Hell Goop Is Talking About 

June 6, 2017 / Posted by:

Organic, cruelty-free snake oil saleslady Goopy Paltrow was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to push her latest scheme, $90 vitamin subscriptions. Since she was there to talk about Goop, Jimmy Kimmel brought up a few of the crazy/dumb/fucked-up/all-of-the-above things that her site has suggested that their readers do. Things like walk barefoot on the earth, squat pee and shove a jade egg up their cooze. Jimmy Kimmel wanted Goopy to explain some of that shit, and with one of them, she couldn’t, because she knew nothing about it. Bless the Goop fans who struggled while holding a jade egg in their cooch as they squat peed into a dirt hole with their bare feet on the soil because they believe Goopy herself did that too.

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Goopy Haters Are Just Jealous Of Her Beauty And Success, Obviously

June 1, 2017 / Posted by:

The world always needs laughs, but the world really needs laughs after today’s Trump news that is making the planet cry aerosol tears of sadness. So, an interview from my favorite comedian Goopy Paltrow was farted up onto the internet at the right time. Goopy did an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit (via Refinery29) where she continued to prove that the dingles she sharts out while defending Goop are as precious as the articles on Goop themselves.

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