Category: Girlfriend Please

The 25-Year-Old Blossom Who Is Married To An 82-Year-Old Billionaire Swears She’s Not A Gold Digger

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Last September, one-time Playboy model and German rose Cathy Schmitz was inducted into the upper echelons of the Gold Digger Hall of Fame when she became the fifth wife of old ass Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner whose kind of famous for paying famous messes (see: Kim Kartrashian, Parasite Hilton, Brigitte Nielsen, etc…) to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball. Cathy and Richard dated for 7 months before legally uniting their love. 25-year-old Cathy and 82-year-old Sugar Grandaddy Richard were on Britain’s This Morning (via The Daily Mail) yesterday to push their reality special for Channel 5 called Age Gap Love and she pretty much stole Anna Nicole Smith’s flavor when she said that she married for love, not money. Uh huh, and I drink a disgusting, vomit-inducing, Jolly Green Giant jizz-tasting green protein shake for breakfast instead of a buttered Pop Tart because I actually like the taste and not because my doctor told me I have to stop eating like I’m one of Mama June’s poor children.


Lindsay Lohan Blew Off Her Community Service And Is Blaming It On The Mosquito That Bit Her

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess “It’s the mosquito’s fault!” is the new “The black kid was driving!

Yes, we’re doing this again. Well, the joke’s on all of us whores who thought that Lindsay Lohan was actually to leave the delusion and self-entitlement in 2014 and shock the world by actually getting her shit together.

TMZ says that on Wednesday, we may get another court room fashion show, because LiLo is supposed to show her face in front of a judge after she allegedly didn’t complete all of her community service hours. LiLo had until November 6, 2014 to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service. But on that day, her lawyer Shawn Holley could only prove that she did half of those hours. The judge gave LiLo until next Wednesday to complete all 240 hours, but a source tells TMZ she isn’t even close to finishing.

The judge in L.A. allowed LiLo to do her community service in London. LiLo’s excuse is that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. She was going to finish her hours after the center opened up again, but she got struck down with that Chumbawamba virus and ended up in the hospital. As TMZ points out, LiLo got the virus while vacationing in Bora Bora instead of doing her community service in London.

TMZ says that LiLo could end up in jail if she doesn’t finish all her community service by January 28th.

Oh please, the chance of me getting knocked up with Prince Hot Ginge’s baby is greater than the chance of Lindsay Lohan going to jail. The judge will probably let her go after she argues that she did Speed-The-Plow in London and that should count as community service since she gifted the public with her amazing talent and youthful beauty. We all know what’s really going to happen. As soon as LiLo tells the judge that a mosquito kept her from doing community service, the judge is going to order the LAPD to use all of their resources to track down that mosquito and bring it in. LiLo can do no wrong so it has to be that mosquito’s fault. Jail that mosquito immediately! That’s if it didn’t turn green and melt as soon as it bit into her.

Iggy Azalea Thinks Iggy Azalea Made Hip Hop More Accepting

January 21, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t think that what Iggy Azalea does is considered hip hop, but she and others do, and she also thinks that she’s the Nelson Mandela of it. Iggy isn’t the first white chick rapper (Debbie Harry and Polly from Teen Witch, anyone?) and she’s not the first (or 20th) rapper to sell millions of albums, but she still thinks she’s changed hip hop and made it more mainstream. Will plastic surgeon please warn patients that sometimes the plastic jelly they inject into their ass can travel up to their brain and eat their sense of reason?


Actor-Musician Johnny Depp Is Grossed Out By Actors Trying To Be Musicians

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Current World Heavyweight Fighting The Hot Grand Champion Johnny Depp totally gets the sicks and rolls his eyeballs at famous actors who get into the music game because they want to be more famous. You know how your 16 year old self (who used to jack it to Donnie Brasco-era Johnny Depp) cries while thinking about what he did to himself? That’s the way Johnny Depp feels when he sees an actor trying to be a rock star.

While promoting Mortified (or however you spell it) in Berlin, The Hollywood Reporter says that Johnny shat on actors who start bands for the wrong reasons. Even though Johnny started a band with Gibby Haynes in 1993, he doesn’t put himself in the same category as those fake fuck actors who aren’t real musicians. Johnny says that music is his first love and he doesn’t use his famous name to get people to come and see him play.

“That whole idea for me is a sickening thing, it’s always just made me sick. I’ve been very lucky to play on friends’ records and it’s still going. Music is still part of my life…. But you won’t be hearing The Johnny Depp Band. That won’t ever exist.

The kind of luxury now is, anybody with a certain amount of success, if you have a kind of musical being, you can go out and start a band and capitalize on your work in other areas. But I hate the idea, ‘Come see me play the guitar because you’ve seen me in 12 movies.’… It shouldn’t be [that way]. You want the people who are listening to the music to only be interested in the music.”

Somebody should hand Jared Leto, ScarJo, Ryan Gosling, Jada Pinkett Smith, Russell Crowe, Bruce Willis, Keanu Reeves, Billy Bob Thornton and Kevin Costner a Bounty paper towel to wipe the splatters of oil off of their faces, because Johnny Depp just threw them a greasy side-eye. Any trick involved in The Long Ranger shouldn’t be calling out anyone’s artistic integrity, but half of me agrees with Johnny. My soul really didn’t need that ScarJo album of Tom Waits covers. But on the other hand, Johnny still needs to shut his trash mouth, because if actors didn’t say to themselves, “I think I’m going to record some songs just because I can,” then we would have never been blessed with a musical and visual masterpiece like this:

Brad Pitt Was Too Good For Goopy Paltrow, So Says Goopy Paltrow

January 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a snobby British schoolboy who is going through a chola phase without help from an actual chola, Goopy Paltrow was on Howard Stern today to promote that Mortdecai mess and a really, strange, bizarre thing happened. I listened to the entire interview and my eyes only rolled and bungee jumped out of their sockets three or four times. That might be a record.

Howard Stern usually gives the best interviews, because he gets deep and asks famous hos shit that nobody else asks like how much money they make and if they’re into anal. Howard didn’t ask Goopy any questions like that, but in his defense he probably knows that she doesn’t do butt sex since it’s pretty much impossible to do anal when your head is always shoved up your ass. Speaking of, she told Howard that she didn’t pull her head out of her ass until she turned 40. (Insert SureJan.GIF here)

Howard asked her about Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, that heave-inducing “conscious uncoupling” term, Jennifer Lawrence and the rumor that she stole the Shakespeare in Love role from Winona Ryder. I threw up a bunch of quotes after the cut. Your eyeballs don’t have to be scared about overworking themselves. They might only roll five or seven times.


One Of Marky Mark’s Victims Thinks He Should Be Pardoned

December 11, 2014 / Posted by:


No, Johnny Trinh tells The Daily Mail that even though Marky Mark has never said sorry to him, he doesn’t hold any grudges and thinks the furious Cha-Ka of New England should get that pardon. Johnny also says that Marky Mark’s fist didn’t blind him. He lost his eye while fighting for the US during the Vietnam War. The Daily Mail says that Johnny is speaking out about the attack for the first time, because he thinks people should know that he forgives Marky Mark.


And In “Ariana Grande Is Still A Brat” News, Ariana Grande Demands To Be Carried Like A Baby

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s no secret that the evil Bratz doll who came to life one day when someone played Mariah Carey’s Daydream backwards known as Ariana Grande is a demanding, entitled little diva toddler, and it sounds like she’s not running out of ways to act like an obnoxious spoiled brat anytime soon. According to Life & Style, Ariana has started demanding that she be carried around like a baby when she gets too tie-tie to walk like a big girl. I guess that makes sense; she has built her career on working the very sexy baby angle, after all. By the way – in case you’ve forgotten, Ariana Grande is a 21-year-old woman.

“Her new rule is that she has to be carried – literally carried like a baby – when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source, who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. “Everyone was stunned. Ariana is such a diva.”

Demanding to be carried around like a baby? YAWN. Wake me up when she fires a bitch for daring to serve her un-dished nuts,” hissed the current queen of diva terror Heather Cho.

Look, Ariana Grande is about as pleasant as a road trip yeast infection, but is demanding to be carried around that bad? I’ll be honest, if I had the money, I’d probably hire someone to carry me around when I get too tired to walk. I’d probably also hire someone to brush my teeth and hose me off like a zoo animal, but I think that has less to do with me being a diva and more about me being extremely lazy.

And this probably goes without saying, but you know it’s only a matter of time before she just stops walking altogether and starts traveling by stroller.

Marky Mark Wants A Pardon For Viciously Attacking Two Men In 1988

December 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Before Marky Mark was a multi-millionaire movie star, chronic mother greeter and delusional, sanctimonious douche rash of Hollywood, he was a drugged-out teenage menace to society who partially blinded a man during an attack in Boston in 1988. Marky Mark wants the Governor of Massachusetts to pardon the assaults, because he’s changed his criminal ways and is a do-gooder now. Pardon me as I roll both of my eyes at Marky Mark, which is not something his victim can do.

By the time Marky Mark was 16, he was already a cokehead and was sued for throwing rocks and racial slurs at a group of black kids. When he was 16, Marky approached a middle-aged Vietnamese man carrying booze and screamed some racist shit at him before hitting him in the head with a 2X5 stick. Marky hit him so hard that the man lost consciousness and the stick broke in two. Marky and two friends later attacked a second Vietnamese man by punching him in the face while calling him racial slurs. The man lost sight in one eye. Mark was convicted as an adult of assault and other charges and he was sentenced to only 3 months in jail. He only served 45 days before being released back into the wild.


The Today Show’s Dr. Nancy Snyderman Is Sort Of Kind Of Sorry For Violating Ebola Quarantine

December 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Dr. Nancy Snyderman achieved the impossible last October when she temporarily dethroned Matt Lauer as the smuggiest smug smugger of the Today show by breaking the voluntary Ebola quarantine she promised to put herself under and by releasing a bullshit statement where she took zero responsibility. A couple of months ago, Dr. Nancy, NBC’s chief medical correspondent, was in West Africa covering the Ebola outbreak and a freelance cameraman in her crew caught the virus. After coming back to the US, Dr. Nancy and the other members of her crew agreed to stay in isolation (aka not leave their houses) for three weeks. 72 hours after she started the quarantine, Dr. Nancy said fuck you to that shit when she drove with two dudes to a restaurant in Hopewell, NJ. Dr. Nancy sat in the car while one dude went to get the food. Dr. Nancy broke that shit for a stupid car ride. If you’re going to break the quarantine, break it for something good like…. like… like… Hmm, I can’t come up with a fun reason for being outside.

After Dr. Nancy Smuggyman dribbled out that non-apology, some people screamed for her to be fired from NBC. There were rumors that NBC planned to dump Dr. Nancy. That never happened and this morning, Matt Lauer welcomed Dr. Nancy back to Today. Dr. Nancy apologized for scaring the community and made it clear that the quarantine was only voluntary and she didn’t have one symptom. She also said something about hats.

“We had already been taking our temperatures 4, 5, 6 times a day, and we knew our risks in our heads, but didn’t really appreciate, and frankly we were not sensitive to, how absolutely frightened Americans were. So I came back, agreed to a voluntary quarantine in my home, and then 72 hours, left my home.

The thing is, I wear two hats. I have my doctor hat and I have my journalist hat. And when the science and messaging sometimes collide, and you leave the optics of, in this case, a hot zone, and come back to the United States good people can make mistakes. And I stepped outside the boundaries of what I promised to do, and what the public expected of me, and for that I’m sorry.”

In other words, Dr. Nancy is sorry she scared you. That’s a new one. Whatever happened to just saying, “I’m sorry! My butt wasn’t bleeding and I wanted mac and cheese. Get over it, you paranoid whores!” Dr. Nancy did earn herself a third hat from this mess. She earned a dunce cap.

And as my mom would say, “DR. OZ WOULD NEVER!” Dr. Oz would gladly stay in his house and film a month-long special titled: How To Lose Your Stubborn Belly Fat While Under A 21-Day Ebola Quarantine.

LeAnn Rimes Wants You To Know That She Was So Much Better Than Her Stepson When She Was His Age

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Scientists and animal experts will tell you that luck dragons are usually very maternal and The NeverEnding Story showed us that they usually have words of support and wisdom for young humans. That trait must’ve passed LeAnn Rimes by.

LeAnn did a looooooooong interview with The Mail on Sunday (via InTouch) where she continued to show us that she lives in a fart bubble of delusion by saying that she and Eddie Cibrian were meant to be together and splitting up is not an option. (Cut to next year when the money train crashes and burns and Eddie leaves her for an extra from Vanderpump Rules.) LeAnn also talked about her upbringing and how she was the one putting food on the table at a really young age. LeAnn says that when she was a kid, she was EVERY kid. She was doing it all. So when she looks at her 11-year-old bonus son trying to get his shoe lace game together, she lets out a “pfft” over what a simpleton he is.

My mum and dad were not meant to be together. They got divorced when I was 14. I was sad but I was also fine; there was so much going on with my career that there wasn’t a lot of time to talk about it. But they instilled great values in me. I attribute my work ethic to my dad. He taught me to show up on time and know what I was doing. I have a great reputation in this business because of that. Most people don’t come back from things like my dad and I went through [the court case]. We didn’t speak for three and a half years. But now we are close. Eddie and I take his kids to visit my dad in Nashville.

I was super-driven as a kid. Even though I was on the road a lot, the teachers would give me homework and I would get it all done. I look at my 11-year-old stepson Mason, and I’m like, ‘I signed a record deal when I was your age. You’re still fumbling with tying your shoelaces.’

I went to Brand Glanville’s Twitter and it’s still standing and hasn’t collapsed into a pile of rage, wine-infused tears and ash, which is surprising.

LeAnn is seriously such a kind and supportive bonus mom. But you know, the paparazzi that she calls have taken pictures of her doing absolutely EVERYTHING and yet, I’ve never seen pictures of her tying her shoe laces. Hmmm… Come to think of it, I don’t think luck dragons can tie their shoe laces. Shoe laces confuse them. So yeah, she’s looking down at little Mason for not getting a record deal at the age of 11 and yet ho can’t even tie her own laces. Get off your high horse, high horse.

Here’s the kind and supportive bonus mom, her piece and her bonus kids at The Grove’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony the other day. I see LeAnn flirting with Santa while he’s wondering why Blitzen is saying human words to him.


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