Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba has long been talked about as the one who should replace Daniel Craig as James Bond and he has said before that he’s into it and even Sony’s ex-co chairman Amy Pascal is for it. But one trick who is totally not into it is the author of a James Bond novel whose name isn’t Ian Fleming. Anthony Horowitz, the author of the newest Bond book Trigger Mortis (I both love and hate that title), tells The Daily Mail that Idris Elba is “too street” to play James Bond. According to him, “too street” isn’t code for “too black.” Anthony can name other black actors who should play Bond (Adrian Lester is one, he says), but Idris isn’t one of them.
“Idris Elba is a terrific actor, but I can think of other black actors who would do it better. For me, Idris Elba is a bit too rough to play the part. It’s not a colour issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond. Is it a question of being suave? Yeah.”
Anthony also thinks Skyfall is the worst Bond movie ever, he didn’t like Quantum of Solice and he thinks Ian Fleming’s Bond novels are “too slow.” If his ass also said that Denise Richards is the worst Bond girl of all-time, I’d really raise a pitchfork at him!
But Anthony does think Daniel Craig is a great James Bond. Okay, so if Idris is “too street,” then what in the hell is Daniel Craig? Daniel Craig is way more street than Idris Elba. One of the reasons I like Daniel Craig as Bond is that he’s both suave and rougher than Miley Cyrus’ voice. Dude looks like he’s been shanked in the face several times during bar fights, stole all of the suits he wears and will directly spit on your genitals if there isn’t any lube around. That’s one way I like my Bond.
And Idris Elba never struck me as street at all. He looks like he came out of his mom’s vagina while wearing a tuxedo.
UPDATE: That was fast. Anthony Horowitz is sorry.
“I’m really sorry my comments about Idris Elba have caused offence. That wasn’t my intention. I was asked in my interview if Idris Elba would make a good James bond. In the article I expressed the opinion that to my mind Adrian Lester would be a better choice, but I’m a writer not a casting director, so what do I know? Clumsily, I chose the word ‘street’ as Elba’s gritty portrayal of DCI John Luther was in my mind, but I admit it was a poor choice of word. I am mortified to have caused offence.”
I was fully ready for Josh Duggar to explain his two paid Ashley Madison accounts by saying that the evil demon gays must’ve put a black magic voodoo spell on him which possessed him to sign up for that devil site. But Josh Duggar has shocked us all by calling himself a hypocrite, because while he was spewing sanctimonious shit about traditional family values, he was also looking for side ass. That rumbling coming from the clouds above is God falling out of their chair, because even they can’t believe that Josh came clean so fast.
Kim Zolciak, seen above looking like the love child of Billie Dean Howard and the cartoon version of Samantha from the opening of Bewitched, recently appeared on Watch What Happens Live looking a little…how you say…fresh in the nose and mouth area. Kim hasn’t exactly looked like Kim for a while now, so it was no surprise when some aspiring detective called in to WWHL and asked Kim where her old face went. “WHERE’S KIM’S OLD FACE?!?!?!” is the new “WHERE’S SHELLY?!?!” (at least in my mind).
Despite the fact that it’s as plain as the expertly-carved nose on her face, Kim shat on the suggestion that her face is living that plastic surgeon’s knife life. Kim rolled her eyes and hissed:
“I hear this all the time, but I want people to understand. I had a baby in 2011, one in ’12, and two in 2013. So I think the weight of all that…but I mean, no, I haven’t. I did my boobs, my tummy. I did it on my show. And I just, I haven’t.”
Thankfully, Andy Cohen was wearing his best pair of confidence-boosting no-fucks-to-give underoos that day, and he called that Kim (and her new nose and her new mouth) out.
“Here’s the deal. I feel that you were here, I interviewed you for the Atlanta Housewives 100th episode special. I was staring at your face for a long time and it was clear to me that you looked a little different to me. I couldn’t tell, you said to me ‘no, no, no.’ Tonight you arrive wearing glasses and I’m like, ‘Now why is she wearing these librarian-that-can-be-seduced glasses?’ And now I realized, it is to take away from the fact that you have had a little bit shaved off your nose. You have a little shaved off your nose, and your lips are bigger.”
Of course, Kim continued to deny that she had any work done, and told Andy the reason her lips looked bigger is because she had “overdrawn” them. “Believe me girl, that excuse doesn’t work anymore” texted Kylie Jenner to Kim. But really, if Kim wanted to divert the attention away from her nose and mouth, she should have picked something louder than a pair of’ “pay no attention to my nose job” nerd glasses. Nobody would have noticed her new face if she had been wearing one of those awful Dr. Seuss hats from the 90s.
Here is more of Kim’s totally original unaltered face (LOOOOOOL) from Watch What Happens Live:
Seen above sending Ben Affleck a text threatening to release a Hi-Res, brightly lit picture of his dick if he doesn’t play nice with her (wishful thinking), the nanny Christine Ouzounian is currently living the opulent kept bitch life at the Hotel Bel-Air.
I’ve written about Christine the Nanny way too many times and even I couldn’t ID her if she was the only one in the room and was wearing a stick-on name tag that read, “Hello My Name Is… Christine the Nanny.” But somehow, “guests” at the Hotel Bel-Air keep recognizing her and have taken sneaky pictures of her in a bikini by the pool. Christine in a bikini popped up in Star Magazine and now she’s in this week’s InTouch Weekly.
Seen above looking like The Omen Barbie, Taylor Swift is on the cover of Vanity Fair’s September issue and during the interview, she queefs up words about her #girlsquad and how Kanye West and her became friends after he showed her the respect she deserves!
Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and former host of one of my favorite HGTV shows Designers’ Challenge, probably watches UnREAL on Lifetime like I do. But unlike me, Chris probably hate watches it and he hates it so much that he pulls out his pubes and throws it at the TV screen while screaming a layer of his tonsil skin off. If you don’t know what UnREAL is, it’s a parody of The Bachelor and shows all the behind-the-scenes fakeness that goes on during the making of a trashy reality dating show. 8 million pairs of eyeballs watch The Bachelor and UnREAL gets about 1/10th of that, but it still got renewed for a second season. Chris hates it, though. I mean, he really, really hates it. He said this to Variety about it:
“The main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch The Bachelor. It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”
Chris doesn’t mind when a show like Saturday Night Live spoofs The Bachelor, because they’re “validating” the show’s “cultural impact.” This bitch is really loving the smell of his own farts.
“You only do that when you are part of the vernacular. If not, you can’t make a joke. It’s a sign of respect. The way that UnREAL took it, it wasn’t a sign of respect. They were trying to take it another direction, but it doesn’t work that way.”
Chris does have a point. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are high-quality, authentic documentaries about white love and they’re not at all scripted or edited. I’m sure that couple who got engaged on The Bachelorette last night, Kaitlyn the Trollop and Sexy Alf (copyright: Michelle Collins), won’t break up when their media tour is over and they’re no longer getting calls to co-host a pool party at a Las Vegas hotel together. I’m sure they’ll get married and I’m sure their granddaughter will be on season 70 of The Bachelorette, because that’s how long that important show will last and that’s how long their love will last. UnREAL needs to respect The Bachelor shows for being the cultural jewels that they are!
And I so want to watch UnREAL with Chris Harrison. I have always suspected that he’s a robot, so I want to see his hard drive malfunction as he watches that shit.
While Nicki Minaj explained on Instagram that the shit she said about the MTV VMA nominations wasn’t about Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry tried to slap down Tay with a tweet that read like it was written by a drunk spambot with untreated Dyslexia, Ed Sheeran came to the defense of the singing prairie scarecrow.
Ed, who I guess is the reverse Anybodys of Tay Tay’s all-girl gang, tells Australia’s The Daily Telegraph that Taylor is not in the wrong at all and Nicki doesn’t know what she’s talking about since Beyonce, who is not built like a tetherball pole, was nominated for Video of the Year. Here’s Ed trying to get enough gold stars from Tay to move up ranks in her squad:
“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”
BUT WAIT! Ed tweeted to Buzzfeed UK that what The Daily Telegraph posted is not really what he meant.
“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.”
I took Ed’s first statement as: “Listen, I want her to fuck me one day, so I’m just going to back her up no matter what.” I took Ed’s second statement as: “Shit, they’re turning on me now. ABORT! ABORT!”
But I still expect the other members of Tay Tay’s mob to jump into the ring for her ass. Lena Dunham will write an 8,000 word think piece where she’ll only talk about the Nicki and Taylor thing for a couple of paragraphs before going on and on about the time she fucked herself with a remote control while watching Hoobastank perform at the ’04 VMAs. Jaime King will prove her allegiance to Taylor by naming her son Nick E. Ismeen. And Lourde won’t do anything public. She’ll just cast a black magic spell against Nicki and Katy in her lair in a Hot Topic storage room.
UPDATE: Taylor tweeted an apology to Nicki today. I guess she finally let someone in her PR team take over:
I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015
Aaaaand Nicki forgave her:
That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
But right after Nicki hugged Taylor, she went over to Katy and hugged her while whispering the words, “I hate that bitch too,” in her ear.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
And today in “THIS BITCH,” Bill Cosby’s lawyers filed papers yesterday to block further release of the deposition where he admitted to buying Quaaludes to give to women for “sex” and made us all wet heave up our internal organs by bragging about all the “seduction techniques” he used on the young women he wanted to get with. The deposition Bill threw up was part of the lawsuit filed against him by Andrea Constand who accused him of drugging and assaulting her in early 2004. The case ended with a settlement. Bill’s lawyers are now crying that because his deposition was given to the media, the settlement agreement was violated. Bill Cosby’s lawyers want the rest of the settlement details (like how many stacks of $100 bills Cosby passed to Andrea) sealed and kept from public eyes. Cosby’s lawyers continued to diarrhea out a whine fest by saying that the media twisted what he said in the deposition to make him look like a sleazy rapist. I’m pretty sure Bill Cosby deserves all the credit for that, but whatever.
You may have thought that there’s only one to step to yawning: Step 1. Watch Mortdecai. But if you’ve been doing that, then you’ve been doing it wrong.
Goopy Paltrow used to be an uneducated yawner like all of us until she met a high priest of yawning who enlightened her in the spiritual art of yawning. The rich used to think that yawning was only something the weak, rude, uncouth peasants did, but it’s a new day. While proving that she has a gift for making absolutely anything sound pretentious as hell, Goopy writes in a piece on GOOP (via The Guardian) about how she learned how to perfect the yawn from Michael Lear, “a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation.”
Goopy and Yogi Michael were having dinner one night when he noticed that she was trying to hold in a yawn. Yogi Michael let Goopy know to let it all out, because yawning is a necessity of life and it isn’t rude or a sign of boredom. It’a stress reliever. Goopy says that after her first yawn, Michael yawned and they had a back-and-forth yawn fest for a good 60 seconds. The other people in the restaurant probably looked at them, shrugged and thought, “Oh, that’s just a natural reaction to Goopy.”
Ariana Grande Latte’s career is on the brink of being buried under the donuts she contaminated with her unpatriotic saliva (not really), so she’s trying hard to dig herself out before the only gig she’ll be able to book is the headliner at an anti-donut festival in North Korea. The demonic Whoville child already released an apology statement where she said that she’s a proud American and then rambled on about super fat kids. Last night, Ariana tried the whole “I’m sowwy” thing again and in a video to her “babes,” she told them to throw her previous non-apology into the trash and she started over.
Ariana should’ve just said, “Donuts, I’m sorry. Donut shop owner, I’m sorry for lowering your health grade. Donut shop employee, I’m sorry,” but instead she went on a 4-minute-long ramble journey where she apologized, said the last apology wasn’t “relative,” apologized again, said she was embarrassed by her actions, apologized again, said that she’s a proud American and apologized again. Ariana’s face looks blown up in the video and that’s because just licking a donut gave her fat face. No, she had her wisdom teeth yanked out.
Ariana is already a known mumbler and so of course, her dental surgery made it worse. I had to watch the video with the captions on, because I couldn’t understand the wrinkled-up words coming out of her mouth and because it gave me gems like the one above.
I listened hard and read the captions and not once did I see the line, “I AM SORRY, DONUTS.” Therefore, apology not accepted! Try again. In the meantime, I’m sure Ariana’s entire tour will be scrapped and promoters will replace her with a humble nightingale who doesn’t hate donuts, is only a diva on the stage and has better hair, singing talent and enunciation skills. May I suggest this current Facebook superstar:
Posted by JP Winchester on Sunday, June 28, 2015
Now THAT is how you impersonate Mariah Carey, Ariana.
After watching that impeccable hairography, Beyonce texted the words, “You need a ride to the unemployment office, because I’m heading there now,” to Ariana.