Category: Girlfriend Please

Excuse You, But Stonewall Was A “White Event,” ThankYouVeryMuch

June 23, 2016 / Posted by:

Roland Emmerich’s movie about the Stonewall riots was an extra chunky skid mark in the eyes of most critics and it was a total flop at the box office. One of that shit show’s biggest criticism was that it was like the 1969 Stonewall riots as seen through the eyes of an Abercrombie & Fitch marketing executive. The movie focused on a pretty-faced young white boy and pushed the black and Latino activists into the background. Someone even started a petition to boycott that mess. It got almost 25,000 signatures. Director Roland Emmerich defended his Stonewall movie then, and he’s still defending the hell out of it.

Claudia Jordan Says She Was Talking Out Of Her Ass About Jamie Foxx And Katie Holmes

June 22, 2016 / Posted by:

If you didn’t know who Claudia Jordan was, you learned who she was yesterday when she made WORLDWIDE HEADLINES for confirming that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are bumping nipples. Claudia (who was in The Real Housewives of Atlanta was Briefcase Model #1 on Deal or No Deal) is friends with Jamie, and on the Allegedly podcast yesterday, she earned a dozen thirst points by saying that he’s very happy with Katie Holmes. But somebody (read: Suri) must have gotten to Claudia and told her to fix it, because now she’s backpedalling so hard that she’s probably developed six-packs on her calves.

After Claudia said that Jamie and Katie are very happy, she told Entertainment Tonight that she had no idea what she was talking about. If there was video footage of Claudia on the Allegedly podcast, you’d clearly see her spreading her ass cheeks open in front of a mic to let her b-hole do the talking, because that info about Jamie and Katie has as much weight as a fart. Claudia told ET that she has no idea if FoxHol is real, she’s never seem them together, Jamie has never told her that they’re together and she “misspoke.” The clip is actually kind of funny, because Claudia keeps repeating herself and wants to nail it into our brains that she knows nothing about FoxHol. If you looked into her head, you’d see her brain jizzing from a camera being on her, but you’d also see her praying that Jamie Foxx doesn’t kick her out of his entourage.

Or maybe it wasn’t Jamie or Katie who got to Claudia. Maybe just maybe Katie has some weird agreement with Tom Cruise and Scientology to not let her relationships go public. Maybe it was Tommy who got to Claudia. I mean, Claudia does look like she’s trying not to laugh while remembering the moment when Little Lord Tommy got in her face and threatened her while standing on a stack of phone books on an apple box.

And since I brought up Claudia’s ass, here it is in an old bikini photo shoot a few years ago:

Pics: Wenn.com

Megan Fox’s Unborn Baby Is A Telepathic Genius Who Cares About Real Estate

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

“Oh fuck my nerves with a butter knife dipped in acid, she’s about to have another thought…” – that dude on the right

Anyone who has been lucky enough to use their brain to ingest at least one Megan Fox interview knows that she is a never-ending fountain of wisdom, and melted plastic, but mostly wisdom. And on Jimmy Kimmel Live! (via E!) last night, Megan said that the unborn baby growing in her body has definitely inherited her super genius gene, because it has told her that it’s either going to be a Nazi rocket maker or an electric car mogul. Megan’s third baby also told her to move houses. Somewhere, scientists studying the long-term effects of Botox use have added, “hearing fetus voices,” to the list of shit to look into.

QOTD: Nick Jonas Thinks He Has “Technically” Hooked Up With A Dude Before

May 31, 2016 / Posted by:

Master gay baiter Nick Jonas is still out there working hard for that gay dollar like he’s a drag queen lip-synching to a Beyonce song 10 minutes before last call on the night before her rent is due. Nick was a guest editor for The Sun (via HuffPo) last week, and for the 56,789th time he was asked about whether his ass or mouth has had a special date with hard dick before. Now, sex scenes that aren’t porn usually don’t involve any dick in ass or dick in mouth action, but Nick Jonas thinks that because he dry humped and made out with a dude on his show Kingdom, he can’t technically say that he’s never been another guy before:

“On Kingdom I have a sex scene with a guy. It is always this thing have I, has Nick? No. But it’s my lips, it’s my hands, it’s my body, even if I’m playing a character. So technically I have done that, so I wouldn’t say I haven’t, because that would be lying. But as me, Nick, I am very open about who I am and that I have nothing to prove. I know what I am, I’ve been honest about that.”

Okay, it’s been a while for me, but I’m pretty sure that’s nowthow gay sex fucking works. If Nick can say that he’s “technically” been with another man because he got paid to do a fake gay sex scene in a TV show, then that means we should send Denise Richards to North Korea to dismantle their nuclear weapons since she played a nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough.

But seriously, going by Nick’s logic, does that mean that if you put up an ad on Craigslist with the headline “Looking For A Prince Harry Look-Alike Or A Dude In A Prince Harry Mask For Hot $$$$exy Times” and the dude who answers the ad lets you call him “Prince Harry” the entire time,  you can technically say that you’ve hooked up with Prince Hot Ginge? I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for a friend…and I just realized that everyone knows I don’t have friends.

And here’s Nick performing at BBC Radio 1’s Big Weekend in Exeter on Saturday. Notice how in the first picture Nick is watching another guy play a bass. Nick can technically say that he’s watched another dude play with his instrument, so gays, please buy his albums and watch his show!

Pics: Wenn.com

Cannes Is No Place For Woody Allen Rape Jokes, So Says Blake NotSoLively

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Hours after Ronan Farrow spit on the media and Hollywood for supporting and  pretty much ignoring the allegations against alleged PedoPolyp Woody Allen, his movie Cafe Society opened the Cannes Film Festival last night. Woody and the cast, including Kristen Stewart, Blake Lively and Jesse Eisenberg, were sitting in the audience when the host of the opening ceremony, French comedian Laurent Lafitte, leaped into the hearts of many by throwing a Roman Polanski joke at Woody:

“You’ve shot so many of your films here in Europe, and yet in the U.S. you haven’t even been convicted of rape. Thank you for coming tonight. Although it’s the least you could do. Your film isn’t even in competition. What’s the worst that could happen? … Or that it’s not as good as ‘Manhattan.’”

Woody wasn’t bothered by the joke, just like he wasn’t bothered by Ronan slamming him. But failed lifestyle blogger and Antebellum south-era enthusiast Blake NotSoLively was highly, highly offended by the jokes that came out of Laurent Lafitte’s offensive-making mouth.

Excuse Melania Trump’s All-Natural Beauty!

April 28, 2016 / Posted by:

GQ did a profile on gold digging icon and gold-plated Slovenian blossom Melania Trump, and even though she was interviewed for it, she has already spit on it in a Facebook message by saying that it’s covered in lies. The article claims that Melania’s father was once investigated for tax evasion and charged with a tax offense. So maybe that’s what she’s mad about? But beyond talking about what causes she’ll be into as First Lady (“Many, many charities. Many different charities involving children..”), she talked about the thing that makes grown men kill themselves for and makes grown women explode with jealousy: her earth-shattering beauté!

There’s been rumors that Melania’s chest is full of silicone bags, and anyone who has the ability to see believes that she’s injected her face with fillers. But nope, Melania just naturally looks like a Thundercat figurine that was exquisitely-crafted out of the finest wax. Just like Priyanka Chopra has that natural “hot body” gene, Melania has that natural “hot face” gene. Accordiing to Melania, the only unnatural thing that has been in her body is Donald Trump:

Again, Melania scoffs when I ask if she had had a breast augmentation. “I didn’t make any changes,” she says. “A lot of people say I am using all the procedures for my face. I didn’t do anything. I live a healthy life, I take care of my skin and my body. I’m against Botox, I’m against injections; I think it’s damaging your face, damaging your nerves. It’s all me. I will age gracefully, as my mom does.”

Jabba the Trump is a moldy piss bag full of deception, but Melania, however, would never let a lie pass between her gorgeous lips. I believe her. There’s an easy explanation for how Melania got that perma-squint and that frozen face look. Melania has seen Jabba the Trump’s naked body so many times that her face and eyes are permanently frozen in an expression that says, “What have I done? Just think of the money, Melania. Just think of the money!

And here’s a few pictures of Melania’s organic beauty throughout the years:

Pics: GQ, Wenn.com, Ocean Drive, Maxim

Katherine Heigl Is Really Trying To Turn Her Career Around, I See

April 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Must not stare at that leather camel toe… Must not stare at that leather camel toe…

Katherine Heigl’s career is currently a wet clump at the top of a full kitty litter box, and it looks like she’s trying to turn that shit around before the only gig she’s offered is doggy poop bag commercials in Uzbekistan. Heigl was on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show (via UsWeekly) this morning and she acted like she swallowed an entire humble pie factory when she groveled hard and apologized for some of the shit nuggets that have leaped off of her tongue in the past.

RiRi Yodeling Over A Track At Coochella Is A Moment That Taylor Swift Will NEVER Forget

April 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.

Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.

Thanks To Goopy Paltrow, I Now Know That Intelligent Businesswomen Do Sex Like Everyone Else

April 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow is out on the stroll pushing another cookbook for you peasants who really want to find yourself asking the butcher at Stater Bros., “Um, do you happen to have organic seed-fed emu meat that’s been blessed by an Australian shaman before being flown to the US on a private jet in a cooler made of locally sourced polyethylene?” And when Goopy is out there pushing anything, she somehow manages to drop some eye rolling fuel into our brains.

During an interview with Self, Goopy’s mouth squirted out a brand new fact. Goopy let it be known that intelligent, businesswomen and mothers like herself have sex! Yes, Goopy wants everyone to know that she drops her freshly-steamed punane on dick:

 “We have this idea that you can’t be a mother and a businesswoman and like to have sex! How is an intelligent woman a sexual being? It’s really hard to integrate those things. Like, ‘Gwyneth has sex? Really?’ It doesn’t seem to go together. But I think it’s important, as mothers and as women contributing to society in whatever way we each are, that our true sexuality doesn’t get lost or put aside.”

Goopy Paltrow is about as sexual as a boiled alfalfa sprout, but I still figured she fucked. I mean, how else is she going to test out $900 white rhino saliva lube before selling it on GOOP? And how else is she going to write about how using bee stings (aka nature’s penis pump) to plump up your man’s dick may enhance his performance?

But my eyeballs did stop and roll over her saying, “We have this idea that you can’t be a mother and a businesswoman and like to have sex!” I know that it would take several 2-ton anvils, a herd of elephants, 4 tanks and plasma ropes to bring Goopy down to earth, but if she was on the same planet as us, she’d know that supreme businesswoman, mother and goddess of sex Alexis Carrington taught us that a long time ago.

And here’s the intelligent businesswoman, mother and sexual being at JFK in NYC last night.

Pics: Splash, Self

Like Most Things, Goopy Paltrow Is To Blame For The Bee Extinction

April 4, 2016 / Posted by:

If someone was ever to ask me when was the first time I experienced a 100 proof What The Fuck moment, I’d tell them that it was probably when I was 4 or 5 and watched my barefoot abuelita in a housedress catch a flying bee with her fingers and sting her leg with it. If I knew what drugs were back then, I probably would’ve guessed that my abuelita spiked the tamarindo drink she made me earlier with some kind of hallucinogenic, because it was fucked up. My mom later told me that my abuelita stung herself with bees, because it helped her arthritis. There must be some kind of hidden lair in the mountains where abuelitas earn their black belts in chancelta-wielding and also learn how to sneak up on a bee all quiet-like.

Whenever I see a bee, I expect to see a stealth abuelita take off her house slippers so she can silently tiptoe up to it and snatch it before disappearing into yonder. But now whenever I see a bee, I’m going to think of the poor thing staring deep into Goopy Paltrow’s face right before it dies. While pimping out GOOP’s new skincare line in an interview with The New York Times (via People), Goopy admits that she’s been pricked by a bee before. Now, I do believe that life is better when you’ve got a bunch of pricks on your face, but Goopy isn’t talking about those kind of pricks. Goopy is talking about bee pricks and says that she’s stung herself in the name of beauty!

But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful.

Those poor ass bees. Nicolas Cage hates them, ninja abuelitas are always trying to murder them and now this! They probably felt a slight satisfaction from causing Goopy pain by stinging her in the ass, and now she’s taken that away by telling them that she actually likes it and embraces it. Damn that Goopy! She really has to go and ruin everything.

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