Category: Girlfriend Please

Cannes Is No Place For Woody Allen Rape Jokes, So Says Blake NotSoLively

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Hours after Ronan Farrow spit on the media and Hollywood for supporting and  pretty much ignoring the allegations against alleged PedoPolyp Woody Allen, his movie Cafe Society opened the Cannes Film Festival last night. Woody and the cast, including Kristen Stewart, Blake Lively and Jesse Eisenberg, were sitting in the audience when the host of the opening ceremony, French comedian Laurent Lafitte, leaped into the hearts of many by throwing a Roman Polanski joke at Woody:

“You’ve shot so many of your films here in Europe, and yet in the U.S. you haven’t even been convicted of rape. Thank you for coming tonight. Although it’s the least you could do. Your film isn’t even in competition. What’s the worst that could happen? … Or that it’s not as good as ‘Manhattan.’”

Woody wasn’t bothered by the joke, just like he wasn’t bothered by Ronan slamming him. But failed lifestyle blogger and Antebellum south-era enthusiast Blake NotSoLively was highly, highly offended by the jokes that came out of Laurent Lafitte’s offensive-making mouth.

Excuse Melania Trump’s All-Natural Beauty!

April 28, 2016 / Posted by:

GQ did a profile on gold digging icon and gold-plated Slovenian blossom Melania Trump, and even though she was interviewed for it, she has already spit on it in a Facebook message by saying that it’s covered in lies. The article claims that Melania’s father was once investigated for tax evasion and charged with a tax offense. So maybe that’s what she’s mad about? But beyond talking about what causes she’ll be into as First Lady (“Many, many charities. Many different charities involving children..”), she talked about the thing that makes grown men kill themselves for and makes grown women explode with jealousy: her earth-shattering beauté!

There’s been rumors that Melania’s chest is full of silicone bags, and anyone who has the ability to see believes that she’s injected her face with fillers. But nope, Melania just naturally looks like a Thundercat figurine that was exquisitely-crafted out of the finest wax. Just like Priyanka Chopra has that natural “hot body” gene, Melania has that natural “hot face” gene. Accordiing to Melania, the only unnatural thing that has been in her body is Donald Trump:

Again, Melania scoffs when I ask if she had had a breast augmentation. “I didn’t make any changes,” she says. “A lot of people say I am using all the procedures for my face. I didn’t do anything. I live a healthy life, I take care of my skin and my body. I’m against Botox, I’m against injections; I think it’s damaging your face, damaging your nerves. It’s all me. I will age gracefully, as my mom does.”

Jabba the Trump is a moldy piss bag full of deception, but Melania, however, would never let a lie pass between her gorgeous lips. I believe her. There’s an easy explanation for how Melania got that perma-squint and that frozen face look. Melania has seen Jabba the Trump’s naked body so many times that her face and eyes are permanently frozen in an expression that says, “What have I done? Just think of the money, Melania. Just think of the money!

And here’s a few pictures of Melania’s organic beauty throughout the years:

Pics: GQ, Wenn.com, Ocean Drive, Maxim

Katherine Heigl Is Really Trying To Turn Her Career Around, I See

April 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Must not stare at that leather camel toe… Must not stare at that leather camel toe…

Katherine Heigl’s career is currently a wet clump at the top of a full kitty litter box, and it looks like she’s trying to turn that shit around before the only gig she’s offered is doggy poop bag commercials in Uzbekistan. Heigl was on Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show (via UsWeekly) this morning and she acted like she swallowed an entire humble pie factory when she groveled hard and apologized for some of the shit nuggets that have leaped off of her tongue in the past.

RiRi Yodeling Over A Track At Coochella Is A Moment That Taylor Swift Will NEVER Forget

April 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like she’s about to tag into an exhibition match during an indie wrestling show held in a bar basement in Bay City, Michigan, RiRi pulled a Kesha last night by making a surprise appearance in the middle of a DJ’s set at the annual Excuse To Roll Your Brains Out While Wearing Crystals From Michael’s On Your Face event.

Press Play On An iPod Ken (aka Calvin Harris) was one of the headliners at Coachella last night and during his set, RiRi popped up to sing along with a track of their song We Found Love. Calvin’s partner in Instagram cheesiness Taylor Swift was at Cokehella (copyright: the Dlisted reader who called it that last year) most of the weekend, but People says she pressed pause on the coochie cutters foolery on Saturday afternoon to take her private jet to San Antonio, Texas for her back-up singer’s wedding. Taylor flew back to California from Texas on the same day to catch Aileen Wuornos look-alike Axl Rose perform on a throne of guitar necks with Guns N’ Roses. And last night, Tay Tay and her squad were in the audience for her Easy Bake Oven sous-chef’s set.

Thanks To Goopy Paltrow, I Now Know That Intelligent Businesswomen Do Sex Like Everyone Else

April 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Goopy Paltrow is out on the stroll pushing another cookbook for you peasants who really want to find yourself asking the butcher at Stater Bros., “Um, do you happen to have organic seed-fed emu meat that’s been blessed by an Australian shaman before being flown to the US on a private jet in a cooler made of locally sourced polyethylene?” And when Goopy is out there pushing anything, she somehow manages to drop some eye rolling fuel into our brains.

During an interview with Self, Goopy’s mouth squirted out a brand new fact. Goopy let it be known that intelligent, businesswomen and mothers like herself have sex! Yes, Goopy wants everyone to know that she drops her freshly-steamed punane on dick:

 “We have this idea that you can’t be a mother and a businesswoman and like to have sex! How is an intelligent woman a sexual being? It’s really hard to integrate those things. Like, ‘Gwyneth has sex? Really?’ It doesn’t seem to go together. But I think it’s important, as mothers and as women contributing to society in whatever way we each are, that our true sexuality doesn’t get lost or put aside.”

Goopy Paltrow is about as sexual as a boiled alfalfa sprout, but I still figured she fucked. I mean, how else is she going to test out $900 white rhino saliva lube before selling it on GOOP? And how else is she going to write about how using bee stings (aka nature’s penis pump) to plump up your man’s dick may enhance his performance?

But my eyeballs did stop and roll over her saying, “We have this idea that you can’t be a mother and a businesswoman and like to have sex!” I know that it would take several 2-ton anvils, a herd of elephants, 4 tanks and plasma ropes to bring Goopy down to earth, but if she was on the same planet as us, she’d know that supreme businesswoman, mother and goddess of sex Alexis Carrington taught us that a long time ago.

And here’s the intelligent businesswoman, mother and sexual being at JFK in NYC last night.

Pics: Splash, Self

Like Most Things, Goopy Paltrow Is To Blame For The Bee Extinction

April 4, 2016 / Posted by:

If someone was ever to ask me when was the first time I experienced a 100 proof What The Fuck moment, I’d tell them that it was probably when I was 4 or 5 and watched my barefoot abuelita in a housedress catch a flying bee with her fingers and sting her leg with it. If I knew what drugs were back then, I probably would’ve guessed that my abuelita spiked the tamarindo drink she made me earlier with some kind of hallucinogenic, because it was fucked up. My mom later told me that my abuelita stung herself with bees, because it helped her arthritis. There must be some kind of hidden lair in the mountains where abuelitas earn their black belts in chancelta-wielding and also learn how to sneak up on a bee all quiet-like.

Whenever I see a bee, I expect to see a stealth abuelita take off her house slippers so she can silently tiptoe up to it and snatch it before disappearing into yonder. But now whenever I see a bee, I’m going to think of the poor thing staring deep into Goopy Paltrow’s face right before it dies. While pimping out GOOP’s new skincare line in an interview with The New York Times (via People), Goopy admits that she’s been pricked by a bee before. Now, I do believe that life is better when you’ve got a bunch of pricks on your face, but Goopy isn’t talking about those kind of pricks. Goopy is talking about bee pricks and says that she’s stung herself in the name of beauty!

But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful.

Those poor ass bees. Nicolas Cage hates them, ninja abuelitas are always trying to murder them and now this! They probably felt a slight satisfaction from causing Goopy pain by stinging her in the ass, and now she’s taken that away by telling them that she actually likes it and embraces it. Damn that Goopy! She really has to go and ruin everything.

Charlize Theron Doesn’t Really Know What “Ghosting” Is But Says She Didn’t Do That Shit To Sean Penn

March 29, 2016 / Posted by:

When Charlize Theron finally woke up from the dickmatized haze that the barbecued Alf doll Sean Penn put her under, there were rumors that she ghosted his ass. But in a new interview with the WSJ. magazine, Charlize says that she didn’t ghost Sean and she doesn’t even really know what “ghosting” is!

Like Lady Gaga Would Really Get Married On The Shush

March 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Lady Gaga’s birthday is today and she celebrated the anniversary of her 30th year alive this past weekend by throwing herself a big party in L.A. that brought out bright shining A-list stars like Lisa Vanderpump, Asslee Simpson, Evan Ross and Lisa Rinna and low-rent has-beens like Taylor Swift and Kate Hudson. While working a painted-up face that screamed Clown School Carol Channing, CaCa strolled into her birthday party with her man Taylor Kinney, and everybody should’ve been screaming for the police since she obviously stole a dress out of the closet of Bette Midler’s Big Business character. But people weren’t doing that, because they were too busy staring at what looked like a wedding band on her finger.

When that hot piece of panty cream-inducing hotness Taylor Kinney and CaCa got engaged two Februaries ago, he gave her a heart-shaped diamond engagement ring. On Saturday night, she switched out that Mariah Carey kidney stone-looking ass ring for a plain gold band. So some think that Taylor Kinney is now officially Lord CaCa, because they got secret married.

I don’t know…..

If Lady CaCa gets married in a ceremony that isn’t televised to this planet and others, and doesn’t feature a wedding dress made out of live white doves, vows done entirely in a language created just for them, a 15-hour-long performance art piece by Marina Abramović and a first dance where little people dressed up as cherubs barf glitter-infused metallic paint on them, did Lady CaCa really get married at all? I think not!

Pics: Splash

E! Better Make It Rain On Blac Chyna’s Ass If They Want Her On KUWTK

March 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Rob Kartrashian, the shame stain on the Kartrashians’ pristine reputation, hasn’t been on the family’s whore show Krapping Up The Kartrashians for a while, because he apparently hates them more than he hates vegetables not covered with nacho cheese and they don’t want the entire world to know that they’re related to a fat fat fatty. But because KUWTK’s season 11 ratings were reportedly lower than Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of morals, producers may be looking to boost that shit by showing Rob’s totally real and 100% authentic relationship with Blac Chyna. Um, the producers should know that if they really want the ratings to shoot into the universe and beyond, they should do a very special episode where they drop the Kartrashians and their wart hog asses into a pit full of starving tigers.

Poor Wittle Justin Bieber Is Too Sad To Do $2,000 Meet-And-Greets Anymore

March 23, 2016 / Posted by:

That little girl was probably so disappointed when she was told that she wasn’t hugging on a life-sized animatronic version of her favorite toy, a blond monchhichi, but something called a Justin Bieber.

Seen above looking like he’s in the middle of getting meth baby’s first haircut at Supercuts, Justin Bieber has dramatically announced that he just can’t go on with doing meet-and-greets after his shows anymore. Many pop tricks do a special and expensive ass meet-and-greet with fans before or after their shows, because they want that MONAY. And they know that some of their fans are insane enough to pay for that shit by secretly taking out a second mortgage on their parents’ house, selling contraband soda to little kids on the playground at school (Thanks [Michelle] Obama!) and/or smearing dirt on their faces to get coins while pretending to be a homeless orphan outside of Targets. The VIP package on the Justin’s “Purpose World Tour” cost fans either $900 or $2000. That $2000 package used to include a ticket to his show and a picture with him, but not anymore.

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