Category: Girlfriend Please

Paula Deen Is A Changed Woman, Y’all!

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I should’ve warned you in my headline and I hope it’s not too late, but do not stare directly at the maniacal double twinkle in Paula Deen’s eyes or your soul will emulsify and spend the rest of eternity stuck in her arteries.

After Paula Deen’s Kingdom of Butter crumbled, melted and dripped down into the gutter last year when all that racist stuff she did and said came out, she took her Country Crock tears to Today and delivered a melodramatic, theatrical performance where she cried as though she was auditioning for a novella and painted herself as the martyr of all martyrs. I expected Paula to stick herself to a cross made of mantequilla and sing “The Crucifixion” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, the second leg (or is it the third?) of Paula’s national apology tour started up again this morning on Today.

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Sarah Palin Defends Her Family After Trashy Hot Alaskan Brawl

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!

I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!

See this from Bristol:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2014/09/my-parents-divorce/

- Sarah Palin

Work ethic.”

Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ‘em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.

Pic: Facebook

Ariana Grande Latte Responds To The Diva Bitch Rumors, Uses The Word “Love” At Least 100 Times While Doing So

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Ariana Grande, the rabid Yorkie who shape-shifted into a diabolical wig with eyes, responded on Twitter yesterday to the rumors that she’s an evil demon fetus who wishes death upon her fans and is such a demanding asshole that she makes her diva idol Mimi seem like a reasonable and humble butterfly. Scooter Braun’s newest monster spilled out a Twitter stream filled with emojis, the word “love” and a quote from Rent. Ariana’s little fans (you know, the ones whose graves she wants to dance on) might think her tweets are cute and sweet and ~genuine~, but us growns know better. Ariana’s tweets are like a pentagram drawn in blood and covered with rainbow glitter and puppy stickers. They might seem fakely sweet and cute on the surface, but there’s a whole lot of dark-sidedness beneath them. The future serial killer’s tweets are after the cut, because there’s a lot of them.

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So Here’s That Video Of Kanye West Telling A Dude In A Wheelchair To Stand Up

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Allison wrote about how egotistical ass lip clamp Kanye West yelled at a fan in a wheelchair to stand up during his show in Sydney on Friday night and now here’s the video. The video is where awkward goes to feel even more awkward.

As Allison said yesterday, Kuntye stopped performing and refused to go on unless everybody in the audience got on their feet. It’s a little funny when the douche who is in dire, dire need of a seat tells everyone to get off of theirs. When some fans don’t get up, Kanye singles them out in front of everyone and demands to know why one fan is not getting up. Kanye keeps asking if he’s in a wheelchair and the whole thing is a cringe-inducing mess. It’s like a parody written by Christopher Guest.

I hate it when I go to a show and the trick onstage is telling me to stand up, clap, sing along, dance, put my left foot in, put my left foot out, etc… Bitch, I paid you. If I want to sit down and sip on my beer while quietly braiding my pubes, then take my money and let me. If I’m going to get up and sing and dance on your command, then you better give me a percentage of the house.

I thought Yeezus was supposed to be the son of God? If Kanye’s going to claim that he’s the chosen one and is a God, then he needs to make sure that the dude in the wheelchair he’s screaming at to stand up is actually a paid assistant who can walk and will jump up and say, “I can walk! I can walk! It’s a miracle! Yeezus healed me! Yeezus is real!Oral Roberts needs to heal himself back to life so he can teach Kanye how it’s really done.

Brit Brit’s Lawyers Are Trying To Shut Up Normal Guy Dave’s Side Piece

September 10, 2014 / Posted by:

The Dumb Bitch of the Decade award was given to Normal Guy Dave last month when he screwed up and got fired from the easiest job in the world. All Normal Guy Dave had to do was hold Brit Brit Spears’ Starbucks, take her out every week for an ultra romantic dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, rub her tummy while she tried to poot out an Arby’s-induced ass queef and not tell her what happens when she screams, “Don’t tell me what happens!”, while watching Frozen for the 400th time  (it’s the only movie Daddy Spears lets her watch). Easiest paycheck ever! But the sad excuse for a gold digger kissed that easy check goodbye when he allegedly dipped his dick into the twat of porn star Cali Lee. And now Brit Brit’s lawyers are trying to slap a muzzle on Cali Lee’s mouth.

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V. Stiviano Claims That Donald Sterling Is Gay And She Was Bearding For Him

August 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Because it’s been approximately 10 minutes since V. Stiviano has gotten any attention and her fame whore spot needed scratching, she filed papers today claiming that she never boned the racist hemorrhoid  known as Donald Sterling, because he loves dick and she was his beard. Donald Sterling’s wife Shelly Sterling is suing V. Stiviano, because she says her husband gave that trollop fancy gifts like cars and a house and he was not authorized to do so. The lawsuit has been going on for a while, but TMZ says that today V. Stiviano decided to add a dose of fuckery to it by giving all of us the image of Donald Sterling’s eyes twinkling with sheer happiness as he fills his mouth with man ass. My prostate just fell out of my ass and I better go run after it before it finds a way to open my front door.

Stiviano states … she was “not ever a sexual partner of Donald T. Sterling” and “believes that [Sterling] is a homosexual and enjoys sexual acts and or sexual congress with males.”

In the legal doc, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Stiviano says Shelly was “acutely aware of [Donald's] sexual orientation and condoned same as well as acknowledged and approved [Donald's] gifts of money [to Stiviano].”

Stiviano also says the gifts she received were NOT community property — but rather Donald’s separate property.

V. Stiviano has thrown her own lawsuit at the Sterlings for slandering her pristine name by saying that she embezzled money from Donald. She wants at least $10 million.

I don’t know if V. Stiviano is a genius or a complete moron with cold farts for brains. I mean, Donald Sterling had a beard wife AND a beard side piece? A beard wife wasn’t good enough and he wanted to show the world that he’s a super hetero so he got a beard mistress too. That racist sack of burnt foreskins invented double down bearding. John Travolta is getting an ideas.

V. Stiviano is about as trustworthy as a Lohan, but maybe she’s not totally spitting out lies to get attention. He has been accused of doing this:

Donald Sterling would bring women into the locker room after games, while the players were showering, and make comments such as, ‘Look at those beautiful black bodies.’

NOOOOO! NOOO! We don’t want him! You straights take him. We’ll trade him for ANYONE. We’ll take Larry King, okay?

The Internet Is To Blame For Why Kate Upton Won’t Ever Get Naked In Front Of A Camera

August 9, 2014 / Posted by:

If you GoogledKate Upton’s nipples,” you’d see Kate Upton’s nipples on a horse and Kate Upton’s nipples under a white, wet t-shirt. We’ve seen Kate Upton’s nipples and we’ve seen pretty much every piece of her body except for both pairs of her down low lips (which I’m sure look like a dwarf rose blooming in the sunlight). Even though Kate Upton has been 98% naked, she’ll never get 100% naked. Details asked Kate if she’d ever do an artistic nude photo shoot in a fashion magazine and she shook her head no, because she knows that shitty bloggers (Why is everyone looking at me like that?) and asshole whores on social media will pick her apart and Photoshop her naked body on an ad for Real California Milk.

For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.

If anybody knows anything about art, it’s Kate Upton. I watched The Other Woman the other day and Kate Upton had the charisma of an ingrown nipple hair and she made the driftwood in the beach scenes look like they were alive and full of emotions. It was so bad that it was performance art.

Yes, naked pictures live forever on the Internet, but so does saying that you will never pose naked. Doesn’t this trick know that you should never ever say never? Those words are going to come back to gnaw her ass cheeks off when her chichis are no longer the most magnificent tits on the stroll and she’ll have to try to get attention by posing with her nipples and cooch out in Playboy. Wait, I shouldn’t have said Playboy. Kate Upton’s body is a work of art and she only poses in the most artistic publications. I should’ve said Penthouse.

That Evil Sister, Sister-Hating Witch Charlize Theron Is Trying To Get Tia Mowry Banned From SoulCycle

August 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Two weeks ago, we all learned a new disturbing fact about Charlize Theron: Bitch hates Sister, Sister!

One of the stars of Sister, Sister, Tia Mowry, bravely told esteemed American journal InTouch Weekly about the time that Charlize Theron treated her like piss jelly clinging to an expired urinal cake at SoulCycle. Tia said that she’s always been a huge fan of Charlize Theron and when she saw her at a spin class, she went up to her to say “hi.” Tia claims that Charlize rolled her eyes and said, “Oh God.” I’ve heard stories about Charlize Theron being a potent bitch wrapped in blonde hair, but I never wanted to believe it. But I guess there’s truth to it and sucking the rage juice out of Sean Penn’s dick has really brought the asshole out of her.

At the L.A. premiere of TMNT over the weekend, Tia told E! News that the whole story was blown out of proportion (translation: “Don’t sic your rabid dog on me, Charlize!“). Tia is over it and is done milking it for publicity, but apparently Charlize isn’t over it and is trying to get Tia kicked out of SoulCycle forever! To me, getting kicked out of SoulCycle is like getting kicked out of Hell. It’s a blessing. Someone saying, “You’ve been blacklisted from SoulCycle,” to me is like saying, “I care for you and care for the well-being of your legs and soul.” But to those rich Hollywood whores, SoulCycle is their life! They live and die by the cycle. Overpaying to ride a bike that doesn’t move gives them life.  Getting banned from SoulCycle affects them the same way getting banned from an In-N-Out would affect me. Crazy-brained fucks.

So Tia getting banned from SoulCycle would be devastating to her and Charlize knows this. In a one hundred percent real story from Dish Nation (via ONTD), an “insider” at SoulCycle says that Charlize demanded that Tia be banned and when the managers refused, she threatened to take it to the top.

“Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen,” said an insider at SoulCycle.

“This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?” Theron said, according to employee.

Management said it would handle the situation, but a decision has yet to be made.

A NOBODY?! A NOBODY?! Let’s find out who the “nobody” is between Tia Mowry and Charlize Theron:

Charlize Theron has won an Oscar and has been nominated twice.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Charlize Theron’s movies have grossed hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Charlize Theron bought herself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and has been on a thousand “Most Sexiest” lists.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Charlize Theron makes millions of dollars from endorsement deals.

Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.

Um, you don’t need to pull out a pad of paper and a tiny pencil to calculate the score. It’s obvious that Tia Mowry won this. Tia Mowry owns the throne Theron. Charlize, please have a seat in the back row of the highest balcony.

And when asked for a response, the management at SoulCycle said, “Charlie who? Oh, you mean that Sister, Sister-hating nobody who is now taking spin classes at the 24 Hour Fitness in Panorama City?”

Here’s Tia “Bigger Than Charlize” Mowry at the TMNT premiere.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kim Kartrashian Kries On Twitter About How Big Her Ass Has Gotten

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Warning: Whatever you do, do not stare directly into Kim Kartrashian’s kamel toe of doom. If you do, you’ll hear the sound of Pimp Mama Kris cackling mixed in with the sound of a million black peens wailing. That sound will keep you up at night and sleep will never be a friend of yours.

Seen above leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday while dressed like the least popular whore at a brothel that caters strictly to blind men, Kim Kardashian squatted and wet farted out a river of woe on Twitter today about how she hasn’t been able to lose any of the extra chunk she gained while knocked up with North West. Kim desperately wants to lose 20 pounds and my suggestion would be to open up the nozzle on the back of her head and release some air since she’s got at least 30 pounds of dry queefs in there.

Kim plans to go karb-free and she’s going to move into a gym. As Rob Kardashian drowned the pain of being related to those vain pieces of trash by sticking his head in a bowl of macaroni and cheese at Golden Corral, Kim shat up this motivational pile of bullshit.

off to an intense workout. Can’t seem to shake this last 15-20 lbs of baby weight. no more excuses. my baby is 1 years old! UGH

I’m not gonna call it baby weight bc thats an excuse. i just gained weight & that’s it. why is it so much harder to lose after baby though!!

do any of u moms see their bodies just not the same? a different shape? ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now! they were big to begin with!

Just need to get down to my weight a few years ago. Not gonna complain anymore. Starting diet TODAY! No carbs. crazy workouts. Whos with me?

i think after having a baby u get so excited u lost a lot of weight then u get comfortable & eat how you used & it creeps back up.

ok no more tweeting and procrastinating! LOL Glad some of u moms can relate. I’m reading the comments! For real….of to the gym!

wish me luck on the dieting…its soooo hard for me!

I’ve been writing about these trash heap fame whores for so long that I can fluently read Kardashian. Let me translate those tweets for you:

“off to an intense work out” = “Off to the in-house plastic surgery clinic in my mom’s basement where the doctors will attach a Dyson wet vac to the lipo hole on the side of my body and suck out the fat.”

“ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now!” = “My hips and fat ass need to be bigger so they can get even MORE attention. Must ask our in-house plastic surgeon to inject more insulation foam into my ass.

“Starting diet TODAY!” = “Eating a QuickTrim amuse bouche before every meal from now on.

“For real….of to the gym!” = “Must ask the maid to dust off those machines things in the gym so I can take a selfie in front of them.

I know, the struggle Kummy Cakes goes through to lose 20 pounds is real.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Megan Fox Tells The TMNT Haters To Eff Off

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

When it was announced that Michael Bay was producing a reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, most of us who grew up with it in the 80s and 90s knew it was going to be an exploding turd, because a) Michael Bay and; b) Vanilla Ice was not involved! It really became clear that the TMNT reboot was going to be another CGI’d poop bubble out of Michael Bay’s ass when the trailer came out and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked more like the Geriatric Mutant Ninja Boogers. The Internet hated it from the beginning and during a press conference in L.A. last week, Megan Fox, Will Arnett and the director Jonathan Liebesman were asked about the backlash. Since Megan Fox has gone from calling Michael Bay “Hitler” to sucking on his taint, she was the first one to pipe in and defend the movie and Michael Bay. Megan Fox said that the haters will stay pay to see it and if they don’t like it, they can eat a fuck. via CinemaBlend.

“Let me tell you something about those people. How much money did Transformers 4 make? Exactly. Those people can complain – they all go to the theater. They’re gonna love it – and if they don’t love it, they can fuck off, and that’s the end of that.”

I know Megan Fox is the philosopher of our time and I should never question her, but what is she getting at?

Transformers 4 made $1.1 billion worldwide. Transformers 3 made $1 billion worldwide. Transformers 2 made $836 million worldwide and the first Transformers shit show made $709 million worldwide. Megan Fox was only in the first 2 Transformers movies. So is she trying to say that CGI explosion fests will make zillions of dollars no matter what or is she saying that movies make more money when she’s not in them? Is she trying to tell Michael Bay that if he wants TMNT 2 to make a shit load more money than the first one he should replace her? Brian Austin Green just handed Megan Fox a gigantic syringe full of fillers hoping that she’ll keep injecting her lips until they’re too fat to lift and she can’t talk. Because if she keeps saying shit like that, she’ll screw herself out of the  TMNT sequel and then BAG will have to get a job!

Here’s the feline Real Doll and the smirking human Chick-O-Stick Will Arnett at yesterday’s L.A. premiere of TMNT.

Pics: Wenn.com 

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