Category: Girlfriend Please

Will Smith Makes Marriage Sound Really Fun

November 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Jada Pinkett Smith has said before that her marriage with Will Smith has lasted, because she lets him do whatever he wants to do (even if that includes doing another piece) and that they’re their own people and shit. But Will told Entertainment Tonight at last night’s screening of his movie Concussion in L.A. that he and Jada have been married so long because neither of them are willing to quit no matter how awful, horrible, painful and torturous it gets. Be prepared to swoon yourself inside/out, because this is romance. Will said this after ET asked him what the key to their long marriage:

“We’ve been married 20 years and we’ve been asking ourselves that question and really at the end of the day it’s just not quitting. You can’t expect it to be easy, it’s like our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know we’re just not quitters.

If there is a secret I would say is that we never went into working in our relationship. We only ever worked on ourselves individually, and then presented ourselves to one another better than we were previously.”

I need to know just how excruciating and grueling it is. Is it more painful than watching After Earth on a loop while your eyelids are taped open, your body is strapped to a chair and pure caffeine is being injected into your veins to keep you awake? If it’s more painful than that, then the rumors about Will and Jada being Scientologists must be true and they’re one hundred percent dead inside. Because it doesn’t get anymore painful than that.

And here’s more of Jada and Will at last night’s screening. I can already hear JLo screaming, “THAT BITCH,” because Jada’s wearing the dress she was planning to wear to Catholic mass on Christmas Eve.

Pic: FameFlynet

Kylie Jenner And Tyga Might Be Back Together Already

November 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Well that was quick! In less time than it took her to pick a set of plastic lips off the menu in the Kardashian Khompound’s tune-up room, Kylie Jenner might have un-dumped Tyga. A whole 48 hours after it was announced that Kim II was taking a break from her adult boyfriend, she threw up a Snapchat picture of the two of them playing footsies on a couch with a message explaining that “Everyone needs to chill.” That loud whooshing sound you just heard was Tyga’s accountant letting out a huge sigh of relief after seeing that his client is still on the Kardashian kash train.

Some of you may be thinking “But wait – didn’t Kylie leave a club with ASAP Rocky on Friday night?” Yes, she did. But according to Hollywood Life, it was because ASAP Rocky was trying to convince Kylie to give Tyga another chance at relevancy. Or maybe it was because he saw an 18-year-old kid at a club and was like “Where’s your parents? Don’t you have school? Get in the car, I’m driving your ass home.” Either way, it looks like Tyga isn’t being re-written as a villain on KUWTK just yet.

Of course, Kylie’s “chill” message was lost on Pimp Mama Kris, who is hyperventilating with pride over how much attention Kylie was able to get from her first fake breakup.

Here’s Tyga’s teenage girlfriend shopping for Thanksgiving food yesterday. At least I’m assuming that’s what she was doing at the grocery store; she could have been picking up a couple fresh honey baked trouser hams for Khloe.

Pics: Snapchat, Splash

Finally, Jenny McCarthy’s Thoughts On Charlie Sheen!

November 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Since my last post about Charlie Sheen, his ex-piece/”nurse” said on The Dr. Oz Show that she bareback boned him after finding out he’s HIV-positive because they were in love, a New York madam said that he paid hookers at least $5,000 extra to go raw dog, Gloria Allred may represent some of his ex-pieces and Martin Sheen said that he supports his son 100%. I’m sure a thousand more stories will pop up as soon as I hit the publish button on this post. But who cares about any of that! I’m sure what you’ve really been waiting for are the farty thoughts that Jenny McCarthy’s shit pile of a brain burped up about this.

Donald Trump Thinks That Maybe Starbucks Should Be Boycotted For Ruining Christmas

November 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Since the Starbucks red cup thing is the most important issue of our time and every presidential candidate should be talking about it at fucking length, frog fart in a pussy wig Donald Trump brought it up during a rally in Springfield, Illinois last night. Jabba the Trump really made the sweet spot of his evangelical supporters tingle by suggesting a Starbucks boycott because they’re not putting stupid snowflakes and stupid snowmen on their cups during the holidays anymore. Meanwhile, Chik-Fil-A has responded to Starbucks’ war on Christmas by putting a holy and beautiful picture of Ben Carson, Jesus and Santa on their coffee cups. (I would probably buy that coffee cup if they did that.)

Oprah Thinks The Kartrashians Are Extremely Hard Workers

November 9, 2015 / Posted by:

Back when the Kartrashians didn’t totally look like 80 pounds of silicone and butt jelly in a 40 pound Balmain bag, Oprah interviewed them and claims she saw first-hand how much “hard work” it takes to look and be that fake. While Rebel Wilson and Uncle Tim Gunn are publicly saying that the Kartrashians are about as useless as a dildo made of sand, Oprah is guzzling down Pimp Mama Kris’ home brewed Kool-Aid (made of the tears of Kartrashian men and Lucifer’s jizz) and is defending them.

Justin Bieber Is Becoming A Junior Master At Quitting Things

October 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Justin Bieber, a proud graduate of Kanye West’s Nurse School of Doucheness, walked out in the middle of an interview with a Spanish radio station, because he didn’t like the question about who dresses him (a slow clap for that shady question) and other questions that didn’t have to do with his music. The Biebs made it perfectly clear with his facial expressions that he was over it and he left without saying so much as an “adios, bitch!” The truth is, the Beibs is showing a little bit of maturity, because in the past, he would’ve thrown a hissy fight and cried until his au pair ran in, stuck a Sizzurp-dipped pacifier in his cry hole and carried him out while burping him. Well, today, Justin Bieber walked out on something again, but this time he walked out on a bunch of his fans who buy his music and keep him in the finest saggy diaper pants money can buy .

Right before a performance for a TV show in Oslo, Norway, some of his fans in the front row spilled water. The Biebs tried to clean it up at first, but after scolding his fans, he said fuck it and dramatically exited the stage. Justin’s dramatic asshole stage exit gets a solid F from me, because he didn’t throw an invisible scarf around his shoulder, arch his back and do a jazz walk offstage.

The Biebs later burped up an apology on Instragram and said that he’s sowwy. He’s just got the tireds real bad!

Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.

What’s really shitty is that I don’t even think that’s spilled water. Justin Bieber probably temporarily forgot his potty training and had an accident on the stage. Then he not only blamed it on his fans, but he bitched them out for it. That’s more cold-hearted than letting out a fart and blaming it on your puppy. And Ellen DeGeneres better leave a chair vacant for him, because her show will be his first stop on his Apology 2.0 Tour.


Russell Brand Trashes His Life With Katy Perry In A Documentary About Him

October 28, 2015 / Posted by:

In the Katy Perry concert movie Katy Perry: Part of Me, there’s a scene where she brings the raw emotions and breaks down after her then-husband Russell Brand tells her in a text that just like deodorant, he’s done with her. Well, in a documentary about Russell Brand, he doesn’t get that sentimental about his marriage to Katy Perry. That picture of them pretty much sums it all up. The camera flashes make Katy Perry light up like me when I see any live dick in front of me and they make Russell Brand’s face go glum.

Khloe Kartrashian And Lamar Odom Didn’t Get Back Together

October 28, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t know how you can break your silence when you haven’t been silent for years, but okay, People.

Because Pimp Mama Kris felt like now was a great time to stop feeding krap to the media through “sources” and milk the situation for an exclusive cover interview, Khloe Kartrashian said lines that a script writer and publicist wrote for her while talking to People Magazine. The picture of her giving us “sads but maintaining the sexy” was a nice touch, but they really should’ve added a halo since she’s the saint who saved Lamar Odom from death! (UPDATE: Khloe wookie slapped us haters on Twitter by saying that this photo shoot for People was done before Lamar was found unconscious in a brothel and she was kontractually obligated to due a 5-minute follow-up interview after what happened.)

Dear Commenters, Robert Pattinson Doesn’t Think Most Of You Are Normal

September 25, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: I resemble that comment, you foot-faced asshole!

NME Magazine asked Robert Pattinson what he thinks about the racist comments that crazed trolls spewed out and continue to spew out about his girlfriend FKA Twigs. That question led to RPattz talking about the commenters of the Internet and how to him, most comment sections are dark, smelly dungeons where faceless blob demons mouth shit out hate. (Side note: I do write “mouth-shitting faceless dungeon demon” as my occupation on my tax returns.) According to RPattz, comment sections, like the one on YouTube, are cesspools of hate, because no normal person ever leaves a comment.

“I was talking to my dad about this and I bet him that if he looked up Nelson Mandela’s funeral on YouTube, the first comment would be a racist one. And it was, with like a million upvotes.

What I don’t get is why. I think it’s because most normal people are not commenters – I’ve never met anyone who’s left a comment on anything. It’s just demons who live in basements. You have this weird thing where you end up trying to fight against this faceless blob, where the more you hate it, the bigger it gets, because it’s all in your head.”

I don’t know if he realizes that he just insulted a huge chunk of his fanbase since they leave insane comments about him on blogs. But then again, they’re not normal, so carry on, RPattz.

RPattz went on to say that sometimes when he’s in a place where he hates himself, he decides to suffer even more by Googling his name. I guess it’s cheaper and less messy than paying a dominatrix to piss on his face and spit in his eyes.

“I go through periods where I don’t do it at all and feel glorious! Then I’ll fall back into this pit. It really does affect you, and it all comes from some moron sitting on a comment board. It’s always that person who’s needling away at you, who you either want to destroy, or convince them to love you.”

RPattz needs to get his facts straight. I don’t even live in a basement! I’m just a regular first floor demon. But really, I’m guessing that RPattz has never been to the Dlisted comment section where everyone loves each other, no one ever fights and we all say nice things like, “I just love that Robert Pattinson, he’s a wonderful actor and attractive human being,” while making each other friendship bracelets. #NOTALLCOMMENTERS!


Sean Penn Is Suing Lee Daniels For Calling Him A Lady Beater

September 22, 2015 / Posted by:

Sean Penn has proven time and time again that he has the temper of a hungover demon with a herpes flare-up and we’ve all heard that story about he allegedly tied Madonna to a chair and beat her in a drunken rage while they were married. But if you dare call Sean Penn a violent woman beater, he’ll beat you in the head with a $10 million defamation lawsuit.

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