It’s surprising that Miss USA, Sarah Rose Summers, wasn’t rushed to the hospital in Bangkok to get her mind put back together after it was blown when she got to the Miss Universe pageant and learned that not every single person in the world speaks fluent English. So now we know that Miss USA is that kind of American who screams, “SPEAK AMERICAN!“, at servers when trying to order food in another country.
Yesterday, many of you learned something shocking and kind of disturbing. You learned that Megyn Kelly Today is still on the air and hasn’t been shit-canned by NBC News even though her ratings are about as lackluster as Kathie Lee Gifford’s mood before downing that first cup of Chardonnay with a splash of coffee. You learned that Megyn Kelly still exists on the Today show after she wondered why doing blackface for Halloween is racist. Megyn has now apologized to her colleagues and to the three people (including me, I am so ashamed) who watch her show.
The always reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com claims Chris Hemsworth is worth this much:
When I look at that number, I curse at the Gods for not making me be born into Elsa Pataky. Because not only did she get to take a ride on one of my favorite panty creamers Adrien Brody’s glorious nose while screaming, “Give me the sneeze, snot up all in this, bitch,” in a damn castle, but she currently gets to scrub her genitals on Thor’s mega washboard abs as money falls out of his ass. But when Chris Hemsworth looks at that number, he gags as though his team of personal trainers just told him that his body fat went from 0% to 0.1%. Millionaire movie stars are just like us: they too get grossed out while looking at their bank account balance.
“Honey, can you take off your wedding ring and also let everyone you know that we got divorced, and it’s finalized, thank you, dear,” was uttered by millions of wives everywhere after we all learned that Miranda Lambert is single and ready to mingle with some taken pieces. Oh, naive wives, this is Miranda Lambert we’re talking about. She’s a pro. Ring or not, she knows a dude is married because she can sniff out his “haven’t had sex since my wedding night” scent.
Miranda announced she was done with Evan Felker not long after it was reported that his divorce from Staci Felker had been finalized. So Evan lost a wife, who is apparently not looking to take his skeezer ass back, and a multi-millionaire country star girlfriend who is so not going to put him on one of her tours again, and a source tells People it’s because he broke one of her rules. No, the rule wasn’t: Have a wife.
It’s been over two years since the internet and the Beyhive opened up the case into figuring out the identity of the “Becky with the Good Hair” who took a ride on Jay-Z’s untrue dick while he was with Beyonce. The case has pretty much remained unsolved, but many think that Becky’s real name is Rachel Roy while others (read: Rita Ora and Rita Ora only) think it’s Rita Ora. Amber Rose picked up the cold case, dusted it off and after looking into it, she believes she really knows who Becky is. Detective Amber thinks that Jay-Z was knocking yoni eggs out of Goopy Paltrow’s steam tunnel of a cooze. The LAPD better put Detective Amber on an unpaid leave after I file a harassment claim against her for giving me the image of Goopy gooping all over Jay-Z’s dick. I’ve been attacked.
Stormy Daniels Was Arrested At An Ohio Strip Club For Allegedly Letting An Undercover Cop Motorboat Her (UPDATE)
UPDATE: All the charges against Stormy have been dropped, because the Ohio law is only meant for regular strip club strippers. Stormy was a featured guest dancer. The judge already threw the charges out, and that’s that. Poor “Deric Dump” (see my “joke” below) had to bruise his one brain cell by trying to figure out how to call the cops in Columbus for nothing! The cops also claim that they weren’t targeting Stormy. They were there to look into complaints of drugs and hooking.
Here’s the original story:
The shit Stormy Daniels was put into handcuffs for may have been stupid and a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least she brought it in her mug shot, and gave that camera heaping servings of beauty, glamour, and intrigue with that yellow-haired Jaqueline Smith Charlie’s Angels seasons 1 hair and those smoky vengeance eyes. Stormy really needs to do a YouTube beauty tutorial showing us how to paint your face up so it remains stunning even under the harsh beauty-hating lighting of a police station.
CNN says that Stormy Daniels, the porn star and one-time fuck partner of Donald Trump (as in, they only fucked once) who is suing him for defamation, was arrested late last night at Sirens strip club in Columbus, OH for letting a customer touch her. The customer happened to be an undercover cop named Officer Mary Prather. Stormy is accused of touching Officer Mary’s ass and breasts before motorboating her. Ohio law states that a stripper who gets naked or semi-naked can only touch a customer if they’re related to that customer. Jabba the Trump is definitely cackling over one of his many rivals getting arrested, but he’s also making a mental note that if for some reason Ivanka has to become a stripper, she needs to do so in Ohio.