Category: Girlfriend Please

Pippa Middleton Reportedly Doesn’t Want Spotlight-Stealing Meghan Markle At Her Wedding

March 14, 2017 / Posted by:

For some reason that I’ll never understand, many felt that Pippa Middleton’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate and Prince William on their royal wedding day in 2011. I roll my eyes whenever I think about that, because how could anyone or anything upstage Prince Hot Ginge in Disney prince cosplay? Butt anyway, Pippa is getting married to her fiancé James Matthews in May, and The Daily Mail says that she doesn’t want PHG’s girlfriend Meghan Markle there. Because apparently, Pippa is afraid that Meghan Markle will be the Pippa’s Ass of her wedding.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Isn’t Bothered By The Hate From Stupid, Close-Minded Peasants!

March 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Over two years ago, Goopy Paltrow took a break from blowing steam up everyone’s asses with her overpriced health methods to tell you ladies to blow steam up your chochas in the name of a clean uterus. Anti-Goopy warrior, Dr. Jen Gunter, said at the time that vaginas are like Brussels sprouts: they probably shouldn’t be steamed. (I’m sorry but steamed Brussels are nasty.) Since Goopy is obsessed with putting things up her punane for health reasons, she also recommended sticking an egg up in there. Dr. Jen Gunter also stamped “Not Recommended” onto that health tip, because sticking an egg up in there could lead to you becoming a mom to a chick and I don’t know if you’re ready that. But really, I’m sensing a theme with Goopy. It looks like she’s going through the elements, and I don’t even have a cooze, but I’m still crossing my legs while wondering what she’s going to do with “fire.”

Goopy did an interview with Women’s Health to pimp out her new packs of vitamins, and she was asked about people judging her for trying to get them into vag steaming and snatch eggs. Goopy doesn’t care if people are too simple in the mind to understand her so-forward methods!

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Caitlyn Jenner Wants Donald Trump To Call Her. Good Luck With That…

February 24, 2017 / Posted by:

After Donald Trump pretty much said, “Have fun pissing in the bushes, kids!”, to trans students when he revoked federal guidelines that allowed kids to choose the bathroom at school that matches their gender identity, many famous types spoke out including Jackie Evancho and Laverne CoxCaitlyn Jenner stayed quiet, at first, and I didn’t think she’d say anything…until E! paid her the right amount to give her thoughts in a special. But yesterday, Caitlyn released a video response to Trump and I think my eyeballs are skinnier from the cardio (read: rolling) they did while I listened to her.

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The Immortal Keanu Reeves Said Words About “Ageing”

February 23, 2017 / Posted by:

 

Keanu Reeves did a long interview with Esquire UK (via Celebitchy) to promote the sequel to John Wick, my favorite movie about a human avenging his dead dog. And during the interview with writer Johnny Davis, he talked about practically every movie he’s been in and also burped up his thoughts on the Sad Keanu meme from the days of internet yore as well as everyone saying that he’s an ageless vampire.

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Lindsay Lohan Says She Was Racially Profiled At The Airport

February 21, 2017 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan was on Good Morning Britain today with dried up glob of butt jelly Piers Morgan and she told a story about how she was stopped by an agent at Heathrow in London while trying to catch a flight to New York. No, the agent didn’t stop her because they took one look at her face and believed that she may be The Joker in a bad disguise and is making her way to Gotham City to wreak havoc on it. LiLo says that she was “racially profiled” because of the headscarf she was wearing. And now begins yet another episode of Ginger Wreck, Say What?!

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Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Have Decided To Put On A “United Front” In Their Custody Fight

January 10, 2017 / Posted by:

Pictured: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie putting on a “united front.”

Last week we learned that St. Angie Jolie’s side has finally co-signed Brad Pitt’s request to protect their children’s privacy by sealing the legal documents in their wreck of a custody fight. But Angie just couldn’t help herself from shanking Brad in the face with her clavicle bone one last time. In documents filed by Angie’s lawyer Laura Wasser, her side said that Brad wanted the court documents sealed because he’s “terrified that the public will learn the truth.” Brad can stop feeling terrified for now, because the two issued a statement saying that they’ve agreed to handle their messy custody fight in private. Uh huh, TMZ, People and The Daily Mail should go ahead and add the key “sources say” to their writers’ keyboards, because they’re going to be using that phrase a lot now that Angie and Brad’s divorce battle has gone private.

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