Category: Girlfriend Please

Behold, One Of The Greatest Singers In America!

February 5, 2016 / Posted by:

One time when I was at my mom’s house, we were watching Access Hollywood, or another one of those type of shows, and they showed a clip of Jessie J. My mom wasn’t joking when she said, “I didn’t know that Pink is from England.” I should’ve said to my mom that I didn’t know she just got back from a long vacation on another planet, because that Susan Powter-ass wannabe in front of us is one of the greats of all-time! Yes, she would’ve slapped me for talking smart, but she needs to know who our new Whitney Houston is!

Jessie J (aka that Q-Tip who yodeled out Grease Is The Word at the beginning of Grease Live) tells Women’s Health UK (via The Sun) that it gives her the sads knowing that her own homeland of the UK doesn’t appreciate her for the legendary gift that she is. Thank God for America, though, because Jessie J says that in this country we recognize her as being one of the greats. If you actually know what a Jessie J is, this is your cue to make the same confused face she’s making in that pic. If you don’t know what a Jessie J is, don’t bother Googling. You’ll just be re-directed to Dictionary.com’s definition of “delusion.” The legend (in her own peroxide-bleached mind) said this about herself:

“It makes me sad. I’ve done the Grammys, the VMAs… My profile in America is that I’m kind of celebrated as one of the greatest singers — and I love it. I want to be up there with the Celine Dions, Whitneys, Beyoncés, and Arethas. I go hard because I hope and pray that one day people look back and go, ‘She could really fucking sing.’”

Jessie J should’ve specified which America, because it sure as hell ain’t North, Central, South, West or East. But really, Jessie J has always been like room temperature tap water to me. But now I’m a fan! I mean, I don’t think she’s one of the greatest singers in America. However, I do think that she’s one of the greatest comedians in the world!

Blind Item: Which “Dumb Comedy” Did Reese Witherspoon Think She Was Too Good For?

February 4, 2016 / Posted by:

Reese Witherspoon, Eva Longoria, Kerry Washington and Elizabeth Banks did a roundtable discussion with Entertainment Weekly to talk about the shit women face while working in Hollywood. Laura Jeanne Poon has her own production company (they did Wild and Gone Girl) and says she decided to start producing projects a few years ago after she offered the role of a girlfriend in some piece of trash comedy. She says she was told that a bunch of major actresses in the game were about to scratch each other’s faces off for the role. That dried turd of a script made Laura Jeanne Poon scream, “ENOUGH! I AM AN AMERICAN OSCAR-WINNING CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL AND I DON’T DESERVE THIS!

“About four years ago, I got sent a script … and it was just awful. It was just a terrible script, and this male star was starring in it, and there was a girlfriend part. And I was like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. No, I’m not interested.’ They said, ‘Well, this actress is chasing it, that actress is chasing it.’ Like, three Oscar winners and two huge box-office leading ladies. And I was like, ‘Oh, that’s where we’re at? This is where we’re at? You’re fighting to be the girlfriend in a dumb comedy? For what?’ And by the way, two Oscar winners did it. I was like, ‘I’ve got to do something.’”

And now it’s time to guess!

Guess #1: 2011’s No Strings Attached which starred Oscar winners Natalie Portman and Kevin Kline.

Guess #2: 2011’s Just Go With It which starred Oscar winner Nicole Kidman and Heidi Montag who hasn’t won an Oscar, but everyone assumes a brilliant artist like her has. So maybe Reese figured she’s an Oscar winner too.

Guess #3: 2011’s New Year’s Eve which starred Oscar winners Halle Berry, Hilary Swank and Robert De Niro.

The only one of those guesses that really fits is No Strings Attached. You know, we should be thankful for that dingle, because if it wasn’t for it, Laura Jeanne Poon would have not gone on to star in such thought-provoking, multi-layered and intelligent contributions to cinema like Hot Pursuit and This Means Wear. So at least NSA was good for something!

And here’s the AMERICAN CITIZEN shooting the HBO series Big Little Lies on AMERICAN SOIL in Pasadena, CA.

Pics: Wenn.com

Goopy Paltrow Owes All Of Her Success To Goopy Paltrow, Thankyouverymuch

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

David O. Russell says that his movie Joy (which to me, would’ve been an unwatchable bore if it wasn’t for Susan Lucci, Donna Mills and Isabella Rossellini hamming it up) was mostly based on the life of Huggable Hangers mogul Joy Mangano but is also based on the life of other business women who made something out of absolutely nothing. Well, David O made a wrong choice in choosing to base his hard-working business woman biopic on Joy Mangano because there’s a story out there of a lady entremanure (typo and it stay) who truly sweat, struggled and rubbed her wood pennies together to pull herself out of the slums of Santa Monica, CA and into the opulent life she built by herself and herself only!

The Sight Of Russell Tovey’s Bare Nipples Made A Grown Man Faint, So Claims Page Six

February 1, 2016 / Posted by:

100% manly masc man Russell Tovey, who was in Looking and Being Human, is currently on Broadway in A View From The Bridge. There’s a point in the play when the audience gets several eyefuls of Russell Tovey’s nipples and cum gutters after he takes his shirt off. Well, the theater should start selling smelling salts at the bar because Russell’s body is giving people the major vapors.

Playbill says that there’s some seating onstage and during the nighttime performance on January 29th, a man in those seats collapsed about three quarters into the show. The audience members around the man thought he was having a heart attack so they screamed for a doctor. Three doctors were in the audience (because doctors are the only ones who can afford that shit!) and they treated the man as best as they could before the paramedics showed up. The man was taken to the hospital and the play picked back up. A spokesperson for the show said that the man has a heart condition but he didn’t have a heart attack. He fainted and is fine now. Page Six says that Russell Tovey should name his nipples Holly and Holm because they knock tricks out. They claim that Russell’s shirtless butch manliness was too much for the audience member to take!

…a male audience member, in the onstage seating section at the Lyceum Theatre, fainted at the sight of actor Russell Tovey as he took off his shirt.

The patron passed out in the middle of a scene with Tovey and co-stars Phoebe Fox and Mark Strong.

Early Sunday, Tovey received a tweet from the faint-hearted audience member apologizing if he “disturbed the performance.”

Tovey’s washboard abs can be seen onstage eight times a week. Just remember to breathe deeply.

Russell Tovey’s publicist really deserves a huge bonus for leaking that oh-so-real tidbit to Page Six. And I don’t know why I’m writing words, because I doubt you’re reading them since you’re passed out on the floor after the sight of Russell Tovey’s hotness knocked you out. I know how you feel. I have that picture open on my desktop as I put this post together and I’ve passed out five times while writi

Pics: Wenn.com, The New York Times

The Booty Play Lover Doth Protest Too Much

January 29, 2016 / Posted by:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with some finger in the ass fun and any dude, straight, gay, fluid and in between can get into the joys of getting their wrinkled donut hole worked over. But Kanye West wants everyone to think that his face doesn’t light up and his asshole doesn’t twitch when he’s at a baseball game and sees one of those giant foam fingers. Amber Rose definitely hit a sore spot and not in the way Kanye likes.

Amber Rose called Kanye a #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch and said that his hungry, hungry b-hole likes to suck on fingers when he brought her and her son into his Twitter fight with Wiz Khalifa. Kanye stripper-shamed Amber and Amber fingerbuttfuck-shamed Kanye, basically. Out of all the shit that was thrown in that Twitter fight, Kanye decided to bring up Amber saying that his idea of heaven is a finger breaking his prostate the same way he broke his MacBook Air. Kanye basically butt burped up a “NO HOMO” with this tweet:

If the brown eye could throw a side-eye, Kanye’s would’ve done that after he tweeted that tweet. Kanye also tweeted this out and I have no idea what he’s trying to say. Maybe all that asshole play talk got him excited and it twisted up his brains:

And with that, Kanye pretty much confirmed that his booty hole’s favorite song is Ten Little Fingers. Dumbass should’ve just kept quiet, but he just had to let us all know that he’s full masc and in doing so, he played right into Amber Rose’s hands. And again, not in the sexy way he likes.

Pic: Splash

Anne Hathaway Wants Everybody To Leave Jennifer Lawrence Alooooooooooone

January 15, 2016 / Posted by:

And I need to leave your eyeballs alooooone, because I am not right for posting this picture of Anne Hathaway cackling before using her Stonehenge ass teeth to chomp on your soul.

Anne Hathaway’s Oscar campaign for Les Miserables was about as annoying as a flea bite on your ass ring and it turned the Internet against her. Since Anne Hathaway knows what it’s like being the MOST HATED WOMAN ON THE INTERNET, she is defending her fellow privileged rich movie star Jennifer Lawrence. JLaw got the “mega asshole” label stamped onto her forehead at the Golden Globes after she slapped down a reporter in the press room. The reporter asked her a question and she stopped to tell him to stop looking at his phone, bro. I thought that he was reading his question off of his phone, but the word is that he was taking pictures and video of her and wasn’t making eye contact. JLaw wasn’t into that so she let a trick have it. We’ve all pretty much moved on from it, but not Anne Hathaway. The original Jennifer Lawrence  posted this note to you, the Internet, on Facebook:

Dear the Internet,

It’s become pretty clear that the Jennifer Lawrence “scolding” was taken out of context and that she was dryly joking with a journalist who was indeed using his phone to take photos of her.
Let’s not continue the sad but common practice of building people – especially women- up just to viciously tear them down when we perceive them to have misstepped. Jennifer is a beautiful, talented, wildly successful, popular, FOUR TIME OSCAR NOMINATED young woman. Please let us not punish her for these things.

Sincerely,
A J-Law fan
‪#‎supportstrongwomen‬ ‪#‎imwithher‬ ‪#‎whycantwegiveloveonemorechance‬

Did Anne Hathaway Kanye-size the part about Jennifer Lawrence being a FOUR TIME OSCAR NOMINATED actress, because when someone is nominated for an Oscar, they become an untouchable God and we must bow down to them? Or did she mean it in a “Can you believe that 25-year-old has four Oscar nominations while I, a triple threat thespian, only has 2?” sort of way?

And while reading Anne Hathaway’s defense of Jennifer Lawrence, I kept waiting for her to summon the eye rolls by sounding like your melodramatic auntie who always posts ~inspirational~ quotes on Facebook. She waited until the very end but she did it with: #whycantwegiveloveonemorechance. I bet she sang that hashtag too.

Pics: Splash

Sean Penn Thinks His Article About El Chapo Failed

January 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Sean Penn talked to Charlie Rose for 60 Minutes to defend his hilarious and ridiculous train wreck of an article on El Chapo for Rolling Stone. Pieces of the interview aired on CBS This Morning. Sean Penn had words to say about the reporters who hated on his article and the news that his meeting with El Chapo led to the capture of the murdering drug kingpin. If you don’t feel like seeing Sean Penn whine about how everybody doesn’t like his article, look on YouTube for videos of a baboon pushing a fart out of its bloated ass. It’s practically the same thing.

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Explains The Face He Made When Lady Gaga Won

January 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Entertainment Tonight, the Detective La Toya of entertainment news shows, got to the bottom of EVERYTHING by asking Leonardo DiCatchAHo about the spooked face he made when Lady Caca bumped into him while making her way to the stage to accept the award for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries at the Golden Globes last night. The mystery of Leo’s cackling scared face has FINALLY been solved! (Not really.) We can all move on with our lives. (Not at all.)

After Leo won Best Actor in a Drama for that old-timey bearded hipster in the wild movie and Alejandro González Iñárritu won for directing it, they both talked to Entertainment Tonight backstage. Cameron Mathison (aka Ryan from All My Children) of ET told Leonardo that the moment when his Muttley laugh got interrupted by Gaga’s protruding cardboard hips trended on Twitter. Leo gave an extremely detailed explanation for what was running through his brain during that moment:

That’s trending, huh? I just didn’t know what was passing me, that’s all.

What was passing me…” The shade continues. Shade on, Shade Queen Leo, shade on.

But Leo’s right. He didn’t know what was passing him. It could’ve been anything. It could’ve been that bear coming back for more. It could’ve been the Grim Reaper coming to collect him since he’s cheated death 3 times. It could’ve been an angry mob of his ex-pieces coming to get revenge on him.

Sorry, but it’s still not over. Yeah, Leonardo has spoken about the most riveting event of 2016, but I’m still going to need a highly skilled body language expert to tell me what he’s pointing at. My guess is that he’s pointing at Felicity Huffman and saying, “You got beat by Lady Caca, blehehehehehehehehehehehehe!

Pics: Splash

Kim Zolciak Was Born With A Thigh Gap, Thankyouverymuch

December 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Garage sale Barbie Stylin’ Head turned gold digger turned Bravo reality trick Kim Zolciak once said that she came out of the womb chasing dick. Well, she also came out of the womb with a thigh gap.

Kim really, really cares about having a space between her thighs that’s about as empty as her sense of dignity. Kim is always shitting up pictures on Instagram of her proud thigh gap. A few of her followers have accused her thigh gap of being as fake as everything else about her and said that she’s using tricks like Photoshop and pigeon-toed posing to give herself one. Yesterday, Kim let the thigh gap conspiracists on Instagram know that she’s always had one. When she was a newborn in the hospital nursery, the other newborns looked at her with jealous eyes like, “Bitch, stop faking that thigh gap!

Date night but only have an hour! Gotta make time even if it’s quick I don’t need to stick my butt out or point my feet in to have a thigh gap I have one even if I stand on my head #BornWithIt #ILoveYouJuicy #IDontPostForYourOpinion #ItsMYIGSoIPostPicsOfMe #ThatsNothingNew BOOTS ARE FREEPEOPLE

The blond Kim Kartrashian isn’t only a natural thigh gap-haver, but she’s also a master of comedy, because she’s standing with her ass out and pigeon toed on purpose, right?

The whole thigh gap obsession is moronic and embarrassing, but now it all makes sense. When NeNe Leakes said that Kim needs to keep her legs closed to married men, she didn’t know that it’s impossible for Kim to do that. Kim’s legs are just so naturally skinny and her thighs are just so naturally tiny that even when she closes her legs all the way, they’re open. It’s not her fault that she was born that way!

Pics: Instagram

Madge Accused Of Using A Fake Police Vehicle To Cut Through Traffic

December 4, 2015 / Posted by:

“Bleheheheheehe, Madge outwitted you simpletons once again!” – Madge while her driver cuts through traffic in that picture.

The staff at both The Sun and The Daily Mail better sleep on a bed of garlic with a crucifix on their chest, because the Dark Vampire Priestess of the Illuminati is going to come for them now that they’ve come for her. They have pictures of Madge sitting in the back of a car that’s got police-type lights sitting on the dashboard. As Madge left her show at the O2 Arena in London, the streets were crowded with cars also leaving her concert and she was forced to sit in traffic for a second. Madge and/or her driver weren’t having it so they reportedly turned on the lights and cut through those hos.

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