I didn’t see Thor 2, because I figured that if there were any shots of Chris Hemsworth’s muscled nipples and/or Loki licking his lips they’d end up in GIF form on Tumblr. I’d much rather fap with popcorn butter at home rather than do it in a theater and risk getting dragged out by security after some judgmental prudes complain. But anyway, at the very, very end (SPOILER ALERT, which doesn’t really mean anything since if this is a spoiler I already spoiled it in the title) of Thor 2, Natalie Portman’s character kisses on Thor. Natalie tells the NYDN that it wasn’t her lips in that scene. The scene was shot during reshoots and Natalie was busy doing another movie so she couldn’t do it. They should’ve asked Tom Hiddleston to fill in since his lips are softer than a baby cashmere goat’s taint, but they got Chris Hemsworth’s real-life wife Elsa Pataky to do it instead. Natalie said:
“It was for reshoots (after the film was finished) and he was working in Hong Kong and I couldn’t get there because I was working on my own film. And so they put his wife in my wig and costume, that’s why it was so passionate. It was such a perfect solution, wasn’t it?”
Oh please, we all know the real reason why Natalie Portman wouldn’t do that kissing scene. Chris Hemsworth had to eat a small family of cows twice a day to stay that huge, so vegan Natalie refused to touch his nasty mouth. Or worse, Chris Hemsworth just ate a cake made with eggs and milk and we all know that Natalie Portman is a vicious, vicious cake hater.
As I said before, I didn’t see that scene, but I’m sure it wasn’t that passionate. If they were going for passionate, then they should’ve gotten Tacky Pataky to fill in for Natalie and asked Adrien Brody to put on a muscle suit and Beth Chapman wig to fill in as Thor. Because “passion” was re-defined when Adrien Brody and Tacky Pataky were together. Gag on this fairy tale passion:
Or just gag.
Bobbie Brown, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video ho, wrote a book called Dirty Rocker Boys in which she chronicles the aftermath of her volatile relationship with Tommy Lee. I know, I know- if you’ve heard one long shlong Tommy Lee story, you’ve heard them all, but the real story lies with other men Bobbie talks about in her book after her hot mess relationship with Tommy went to shit and he suddenly married Pamela Anderson. Bobbie did what any scorned woman worth her salt does- she went trolling for some new dick.
The Daily Mail has excerpts where she writes about Stephen Dorff offending her delicate sensibilities by using, “So, do you wanna go back to my house and fuck? (that sound you hear is Blade fangirls from 2005 tripping over themselves screaming “YES!!”) and Kevin Costner kicking her ass out after she almost burned his bedroom down with a cigarette. Both those are kind of tame and not quite up to revenge fuck standards, but Bobbie’s description of nearly sexing on Leonardo DiCaprio, when he was 19 makes up for it a little.
They put on TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, started kissing and undressing themselves on her bed.
Brown writes: ‘I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged down on his boxers. When I saw made me gasp. It made no sense. The kid put Tommy Lee to shame’.
Then DiCaprio dropped the question which almost killed the mood, she claims. ‘So Bobbie, do you have any diseases? Also what about gonorrhea? Have you been tested for that?’
Okay, “Waterfalls” isn’t the worst thing to listen to when grinding on someone in the dark. It beats listening to the radio and having a Corn Nuts “Bust A Nut” commercial come on. THAT shit kills the mood. Thinking of Leo having a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough bouncing between his legs is pretty gross and sounds like total bullshit. The real question here is who the hell waits until the pants are off to ask about gonorrhea of all damn things? I’ve never been a huge fan of Leo, but I may make it my life’s mission to hunt him down and give him the gift that keeps on giving, Giant Microbe-style.
Boobie (whatever) said Leo gave her tingles in her special place but that they never sealed the deal because he made her feel bad about their age difference.
‘Waves of satisfaction rippled through my body. If only Tommy Lee could see me now. He was a unicorn. Rare, innocent, and horny. Me, on the other hand, I’d been engaged, married and had given birth. I needed a man, not a man-child’.
So Leo’s a horny unicorn? Awesome. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just became a lot more interesting if you imagine Leo lurking backstage wearing this as one of his disguises, surveying the models and waiting for the perfect moment to send Lukas Haas up to one to whisper, “There’s a six month contract in it for you if you can prove you’ve tested clean recently and don’t mind me sitting in the corner furiously masturbating while crying”.
(Leo photo via Interview)
I’ve never taken Justin Bieber seriously a day in his professional life. Like many, I spent the first part of his rise to stardom thinking he was Hilary Swank. I was introduced to the obsession plaguing young girls after a friend’s daughter came to a party at our house where she said my garlic bread was so good, she had Bieber AND garlic bread fever. I even threw my husband a Justin-themed party for his 33rd birthday as a joke because I’m a giant asshole like that.
I’ve always considered Justin’s face to be one only his mother, a million girls who don’t know better and the back bumper of my minivan could love, and now, thanks to Hookergate, my attention is being redirected to the nether Bieber-region as if there were a john’s hand pushing my head down toward it. Along with not being able to get behind his work, now I’m being forced to imagine him having sex, which I liken to being as awkward as my incestuous, lesbian dogs look when they’re trying to lick each other’s faces at the same time.
“It was delicious. It was super delicious because not every day do you get to be with someone famous, especially someone like him. He’s a love of a man! A cutie patootie!”
When asked if he is well-endowed the woman simply responded that he was “average.”
Damn, Justin. If anybody has the right to judge dick it’s a professional, but it still has to sting that your $500 couldn’t even buy you “bigger than average”.
Now let’s turn our attention to Tatiana Neves, the woman who brought us the YouTube video of wittle Justin going nigh-nigh. After playing coy in an interview on Globo TV’s Fantastico, she turned around and told The Sun (via USWeekly) more details about her night with him.
“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed,” Neves is quoted as telling the Sun. “A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”
“It was one of the best moments in my life. It was marvelous and unforgettable,” she says. “He has quite a fit body and he looked great naked.”
No, no, no, wrong, NO, WRONG! “Delicious” was bad enough. “Marvelous” and making us picture his scrawny ass naked is unforgivable. Obviously, the money Tatiana received was enough for her lie her ass off about Justin’s skill set and equipment. No matter how many women slither out of the whore woodwork, I will never believe his shit doesn’t look like Franco’s thumb dick.
Here are some pictures of demure blossom Tati Neves looking like she’s ready for bible study class and not at all like she’s about to hit the ho stroll or French the friend she’s with for $20 while a bunch of horny men look on.
Maybe I’m sitting in a kiddie pool full of bitter bitch water this morning because it’s fucking snowing and I’m not prepared to shift from tolerable weather to slipping and humping my mailbox in front of my neighbors, but I have no patience for Kaley Cuoco’s latest attempt to make me give a damn about her life.
Her friends are telling us that she is right around the twelve-week mark. She is not quite ready to announce, but will instead spend the next few weeks wearing loose-fitting clothing and hoping that you don’t notice (just like Kerry Washington). She will definitely announce before the end of the year.
Kaley turned around after slipping her friends some Starbucks gift cards for helping a bitch out and tweeted:
That’s some serious indignation for someone who is four trips to the coffee shop, one more failed engagement and a glittery, bedazzled crotchal area away from Jennifer Love Hewitt status. Maybe people wouldn’t assume it’s possible you were EFFING pregnant (I’m shocked she didn’t spell it “pregnate”) if you didn’t seem like the type who will swing from dick to dick until one looks dumb enough to marry your knocked up ass after you spent 2 months poking holes in condoms every night when he was brushing his teeth. Ryan had better hope he goes the way of the Cavill before she gets pregnant, just to save the inevitable, epic meltdown Kaley looks like she’d have when she realizes in the hospital room that he didn’t take her countless hints that she was expecting a jewel-encrusted push present.
This gif sums up the quick engagement, fake wedding on Ellen, bitch your uterus looks fine to me whirlwind of PR bullshit pretty well…
And were go again…
Because the whole CaCa vs. Madge feud is good for CaCa’s business, she talked to Attitude Magazine (via HuffPo) about how everyone said that “Born This Way” is just “Express Yourself” in a cheaper dress. To CaCa’s ears, “Born This Way” and “Express Yourself” sound nothing alike and she’s not trying to be the next Madonna. Madge, being the supreme cunt that she is, responded to the comparisons by saying that she’s glad she could help CaCa write “Born This Way” and then she performed a mash-up of “Express Yourself” and “Express Yourself 2.0” every night on her MDNA Tour. CaCa tells Attitude that she shocked that Madge performed a piece of “Born This Way.” Yeah, even though CaCa got a check for it and probably signed off on it beforehand, she was shocked!
“I have to be really honest, I was completely kind of floored that Madonna was singing my song on her stage every night! I’m certainly not thinking about anybody but me and my fans when I’m on stage. The fact that I was on her mind at all. I mean, Madonna’s … she’s Madonna. I looked up to her for a long time. I’m not quite sure what her intention was -– to do that in the show, but I don’t really care. I think playing into the gossip of the tabloids and, I guess the fodder of the competition, that’s just not what I’m about. She chooses to use her voice the way she chooses to use hers and I choose to use mine the way I use mine. All it meant to me was that Madonna Ciccone was singing my song on her stage and I’m 27! And as a punk-rocker from New York, I’ve basically been hoping that I would become so good that one day I would piss off Madonna!”
First Miley basically calls herself punk and now this ho says that she’s just a punk rocker from New York… Lou Reed better make some room in his coffin, because Iggy Pop and all of The Ramones are going to crawl in there and roll around together.
Madge is the oldest whore on the stroll and she knows the game and can play it in her sleep. So she took the whole “copy controversy,” milked it all and used it to promote her damn tour. Now, Lady CaCa’s basically doing the same thing and they’re both going to keep biting at each other’s baginas until one of them pushes the other one down the stairs Showgirls-style.
And CaCa also talked about being a gay icon. CaCa, who for most of her career has thought of herself as the damn Evita to the gay community’s Argentina, tells Attitude that she’s not a gay icon and she doesn’t even know what that means!
“But… but… but… but here, where do I say I’m a gay icon? I never said I was a gay icon. When did that happen? Are those lyrics on the album? Absolutely not. I don’t even consider myself… I don’t even know what that word means. That was a label that was invented years ago. I’m a… [pauses] I’m a gay supporter.”
In this same interview, CaCa said that she’s done with weed and went from smoking 15 joints a day to smoking zero joints a day. I believe her based on that delusional “gay icon” quote. Bitch isn’t smoking weed, she’s smoking some seriously strong crack.
The hits just keep on coming for Tom Cruise.
First, Nicole Kidman broke the news that he was never the love of her life, forcing Tom to wipe his tears and blow his nose between the meaty butt cheeks of John Travolta in the audit room of their Church (the Sciento version of motor boating). Then, Tom had to roll up the sleeves of his GapKids oxford shirt and bring the power of Xenu down upon a few tabloids, who dared suggest he has abandoned his daughter, Suri, leaving her to be raised alone by Katie Holmes.
Radar (via The Daily Mail) says Tom is suing the publisher of Life & Style and InTouch magazines for $50 million after the magazines ran covers saying he dropped Suri like she asked him to go get ice cream with the gays after divorcing Katie.
‘I have in no way cut Suri out of my life – whether physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise,’ Tom declares in the documents obtained by Radar.
He also wrote: ‘While I’m sure my daughter misses me when I am not with her (as I miss her), she is a very happy child, and we have a wonderful relationship and cheerful phone calls.’
In the documents, the 51-year-old cites specific times following the June 2012 divorce when he saw his eight-year-old daughter in the flesh.
Tom states in the declaration: ‘Even during the times when I was working overseas and was not able to see Suri in person, we were (and continue to be) extremely close.’
But Tom, who was last photographed with Suri in August 2012, says his schedule did not have an adverse effect on his relationship with Suri in any way.
He declared: ‘As my numerous emails with Suri’s mother during this time period demonstrate, I was a constant presence in Suri’s life.’
Oh, so it’s “Suri’s mother” now, is it? The Artist Formerly Known As Kate must be thrilled he’s dropped his power play bullshit with her name. I’m kind of bummed this isn’t taking place in an actual courtroom. I’m sure Tom never passes up the chance to grin that toothclopsy grin and yell, “You can’t handle the truth!!”
Those phone calls do sound really special, though. Suri probably loves being best girlfriends with Skype Daddy Cruise when she’s not throwing a tantrum somewhere or telling her mom what to wear. Finally, he has someone to giggle with while he doodles hearts around David Miscavige’s name in his diary and starts a Slam Book on Leah Remini. Suri can tell him what heels to wear to elongate legs legs and shut him down if he tries to hit the pool dressed as an 80’s aerobic instructor again. It sounds spectacular and magical, just like Suri!
In her latest attempt to make the public forget what a mess Tiger Woods can be, Lindsey Vonn trotted herself out onto Katie Couric’s stage (via USWeekly) in her latest bid to convince people Tiger is a low-key, likable guy.
“He’s funny,” Vonn says of Woods with a big smile. “He’s really laid-back. He’s a great guy. He’s always making jokes… very competitive, just like me.”
“We have very similar personalities,” she further explains, “but if there’s one thing I could say: he’s funny. He’s goofy, like dorky goofy.”
“Really?! I don’t know, you just don’t think of Tiger Woods as kind of dorky,” Couric says in disbelief. “He seems like such a cool costumer [sic].”
Vonn jokingly adds, “He’s probably not going to be that excited that I just said that.”
So… he’s competitive and is going to be pissed you called him goofy and dorky. Sounds totally laid-back to me! I’m not sure what brand of Delusion Juice Lindsey has been drinking, but these two were ridiculous from the get-go, beginning with their Sears portrait studio head shots, with most of the head coming from her. If Tiger is truly always making jokes, there had better be some quality “So I Married An Axe Murderer” lines being thrown at her and that giant face.
I used to work at the same company as Tiger’s half-sister Royce before he hit it really big and she had a bunch of pictures of him hung up in her cubicle. Back then, I might have believed the “he’s just a regular guy” crap, but not after Elingate. No matter how convinced Lindsey is that she can sell him as a Tiger that can change his stick-his-dick-in-anything stripes, it’s just a matter of time before he gets this kind of drunk and starts thrusting on horrified women while singing, “If you like my penis a-lotta” (sorry, Rupert Holmes). He could turn to a life of stand up comedy and I’d still only be able to think of him as an uptight, dickbag golfer banging a waitress who is flying on Red Wings Airlines in a parking lot.
Because of course it is.
My guess is that French Vogue would’ve rather interviewed the Styrofoam cup that you chewed on during a boring meeting last week, but they had to interview Blake Lively, because she’s the new face of L’Oreal Paris. French Vogue asked Blake the question that I’m sure every skinny actress gets asked at least once an hour by magazine writers, “You look so slim and sexy! What’s your special diet?” We all know that the answer is, “laser lipo and the BluePrint Cleanse,” but Blake had to be THAT TRICK and say that she’s just naturally skinny. She doesn’t work out regularly, she pretty much eats whatever she wants and she puts chocolate in her mouth twice a day. Here’s the question and answer in French, because Blake’s words look so much more exciting in French.
Suivez-vous un régime particulier ?
“Aucun ! J’ai la chance d’avoir une vie très active, je me dépense en permanence… Du coup, je n’ai besoin ni des services d’un coach, ni de faire très attention à ce que je mange. D’ailleurs, je ne peux pas commencer ma journée sans une tasse de chocolat au lait bien chaud et la finir sans croquer quelques carrés de chocolat bien noir… C’est bon pour mon moral.”
And here’s a rough translation from the NYDN:
Do you follow a special diet?
“No! I’m lucky to have a very active lifestyle, I’m always running around everywhere… So I don’t need to hire a coach or watch what I eat. Besides, I can not start my day without a cup of hot chocolate milk and finish without eating a few squares of dark chocolate. It keeps me feeling happy. “
It’s funny that Blake says she never works out, because ho is married to Ryan Reynolds who lifts weights while he’s taking a caca, because he never wants to miss an opportunity to put muscles on his muscles. But you know, if I was married to Ryan Reynolds, I’d probably be a skinny bitch too, because it would be hard to put food in my mouth when his peen is in there. And yes, I just realized that I followed up a sentence about Ryan Reynolds going caca with a sentence about blow jobs. Nothing ruins a beej more than the scent of dirty ass.
To me, Miley Cyrus is about as punk rock as a pink rhinestone clip-on belly ring from Claire’s. But to Miley Cyrus, she’s really fucking punk rock and if you listen to her songs, you should go ahead and tattoo the anarchy sign on your twerkin’ cheeks, because you’re super hardcore. Miley has the #2 album in the country and has a song in the Top 10, but in that moonshine and weed smoke-filled chipmunk head of hers, she thinks that she’s not on top and is so punk rock. These words of delusion slid off of Miley’s lizard tongue during an interview with Cosmo:
“Everything is so chaotic and crazy right now and it’s so much all at once, but I’m living for it. I’m just having the best time ever and everything’s falling into place like it’s supposed to. Even people who want to hate on me, they can’t even shut down the fact that I’m literally what everyone is talking about. I don’t want to say that I’m on top right now – I feel like I’m kind of an underdog in a cool way. It’s almost punk rock to like me because it’s not the right thing to do. Like, society wants to shut me down.”
No, Miley, society wants you to shut your fucking tongue down and keep it in your mouth. But seriously…
Fuck society, Miley! Down with society, Miley! Rage against society, Miley! Miley might have a point. Whenever I hear “Wrecking Ball,” I want to kick a cop, knock over a trash can, spray paint a wall and pierce my tongue with a hot safety pin, and that’s mostly because I am sick of hearing it and hearing it makes me want to raaaaaage until it gets out of my head.
Now that I think about, Miley might be the most punk rock thing in music right now and that says everything. Sid Vicious is probably
rolling twerkin’ in his grave.
While opulent pug Candy Spelling eats platinum nuggets out of a diamond-embedded bowl while sitting on a gilded throne in the rose garden of her $35 million penthouse, her daughter Tori Spelling is checking eBay for discounted, gently used at-home vasectomy kits, because she and her husband Dean McDermott are as broke as her tit job.
Tori is wah-wah-wah-ing to People (via NYDN) about how her checking account has tumbleweeds blowing through it (just like her acting career!) and she hasn’t bought herself a purse in three whole years! Will somebody please end Tori’s pain and suffering by starting a Kickstarter to get her a new designer purse, because it is a tragic day in America when Tori Spelling can’t buy a new designer purse and has to pick out an old, used purse from the dozens of purses she bought when she had millions. Thanks Obama!
Tori tells People that their money woes started when they sold their Encino, CA house at a loss in 2011. Tori’s store InvenTORI flopped and the reality show checks stopped coming in when Oxygen canceled their show. HGTV picked their show up from the Oxygen graveyard, but they don’t start production until 2014, so they don’t have a lot of cash coming in. Tori and Dean really don’t want her to get knocked up with another money-eating baby, but their financial situation is so dry that they can’t afford to buy him a vasectomy (which costs $350 to $4,000). Tori told People.
“I haven’t bought a purse in three years. And it’s fine. I look back on that girl who shopped at Gucci in my 20s and I can’t even relate. I can’t believe I thought it was important.”
Tori also takes some of the blame for their cash problems. She writes in her new book:
“It’s no mystery why I have money problems. I grew up rich beyond anyone’s dreams. I never knew anything else. Even when I try to embrace a simpler lifestyle I can’t seem to let go of my expensive tastes. And then there’s my shopping problem. I’ve bought ridiculous amounts of stuff for the kids, clothing, toys, crafts.
I can’t afford to live like this anymore. They say admitting the problem is the first step. … We’re all about repurposing. It’s a really good value to have.”
First of all, Tori and Dean aren’t BROKE broke. They’re rich people broke. Rich people broke is when you’re worried about where you’re going to get $2,500 to buy yourself a stupid Mulberry purse. Real people broke is when you write a check to yourself and deposit it in the ATM to get $20 for gas money. Rich people broke is worrying about putting a new designer handbag in your purse closet and real people broke is worrying about putting fucking food on the table.
Second of all, Tori and Dean should do what every good fame whore does to make some quick cash: SEX TAPE! There has to be some kinky whores out there who will empty their wallets to watch a beady-eyed gold digger hump on a Silicone-filled Mon Calamari. And I bet that if Dean watched his own sex tape, his sperm sac would dry up and refuse to produce anymore baby gravy. All problems solved!