It’s been 7 months since our ears were terrorized by the sound of douchey bobblehead doll Billy Bush giggling after Donald Trump bragged about grabbing pussies without permission. Since then, Billy Bush has been drying his unemployed tears on the millions of dollars NBC gave him to go the hell away while an unscathed Trump is in the White House and getting his pussy-grabbing hand swatted away by the First Lady.
Right after the tape leaked and killed Billy Bush’s job, he dribbled out an apology, but he’s mostly kept his lips closed about that mess until he talked to The Hollywood Reporter last week. Billy Bush not only looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy, but in this interview, it seems like his publicist shoved their fist up his ass and did the talking for him.
When Jabba the Trump revoked federal guidelines that allowed trans kids to choose the bathroom at school that fits their identity, the ambassador to all trans people, Caitlyn Jenner, did a video message where she read lines that were totally written by her. She let the overlord of the United States know that she’s not going to stand for this and he should call her. In news that may cause you to shit your chonines out of shock, Trump hasn’t called Caitlyn. But while whoring out her memoir during a 20/20 interview with Diane Sawyer, Caitlyn said that the Republican party better watch it, because she’s coming after them now that they’ve messed with “her community.” The Republican politicians are probably laughing at that, but they won’t be laughing when they look in the rearview mirror of their car and see Caitlyn speeding up behind them in her Escalade.
Last week, Lindsay Lohan posted that picture on Instagram of her working a one piece in the sea and she’s posted other pictures of her in a one piece since. But LiLo has been in the game long enough to know that if she wants the paparazzi she calls to hand over a thicker wad of cash, she has to give them something extra and I’m not talking about a wet handy this time.
LiLo slipped into a burkini to take some paddleboard lessons in Phuket, Thailand last week and the paps took pictures that are very spontaneous and natural. (FYI: You should read “spontaneous” and “natural” with your opposite glasses on.) The Daily Mail got the EXCLUSIVO rights of Turkey’s Mother Teresa and the racial profiling victim just casually posing with a paddle and board while wearing a burkini in Thailand. Heidi Montag’s title as The Most Casual And Natural Poser Of The Ho Stroll has finally been snatched by LiLo.
Now Lindsay Lohan wears a BURKINI https://t.co/VfGQEcO81X
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) April 5, 2017
Designer Aheda Zanetti, who created the burkini, told The Washington Post in an interview last year that it’s not just for Muslim women. She’s sold burkinis to non-Muslims and men.
LiLo said recently that she’s not sure if she’s going to convert to Islam. I think these pics prove that she hasn’t yet and is still a disciple of the Church of Attention Whores. And the marketing team at Pepsi are totally going to put LiLo in their next commercial after seeing these pictures. LiLo is more of a coke kind of girl, but she’ll gladly switch to Pepsi for a check.
One hot millisecond after it was announced that non-Asian Scarlett Johansson was cast as Major Motoko Kusanagi in the live-action movie version of Ghost in the Shell, many were rightfully pissed that Hollywood had whitewashed yet another Asian character. When ScarJo was asked about the controversy earlier this year, she Crisco’d up her arm and dug deep into her ass to pull out an explanation. ScarJo could’ve kept it real and just said, “I LOVE MONAY!“, but she instead said she took the role in the name of feminism since Ghost in the Shell is a big action movie lead by a female protagonist.
The makers of Ghost in the Shell (including the director of the original anime adaptation) explained ScarJo’s casting the same way Tilda Swinton explained her casting in Doctor Strange. They said it’s not whitewashing since the character ain’t even human, let alone white. If anything, the robots should be protesting about a human taking one of their roles since ScarJo’s character is a cyborg. So basically, the Talking ScarJo Robot Doll got robbed.
ScarJo is doing the rounds to whore out Ghost in the Shell, and during an interview with Good Morning America, she echoed what the makers said.
For some reason that I’ll never understand, many felt that Pippa Middleton’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate and Prince William on their royal wedding day in 2011. I roll my eyes whenever I think about that, because how could anyone or anything upstage Prince Hot Ginge in Disney prince cosplay? Butt anyway, Pippa is getting married to her fiancé James Matthews in May, and The Daily Mail says that she doesn’t want PHG’s girlfriend Meghan Markle there. Because apparently, Pippa is afraid that Meghan Markle will be the Pippa’s Ass of her wedding.
Over two years ago, Goopy Paltrow took a break from blowing steam up everyone’s asses with her overpriced health methods to tell you ladies to blow steam up your chochas in the name of a clean uterus. Anti-Goopy warrior, Dr. Jen Gunter, said at the time that vaginas are like Brussels sprouts: they probably shouldn’t be steamed. (I’m sorry but steamed Brussels are nasty.) Since Goopy is obsessed with putting things up her punane for health reasons, she also recommended sticking an egg up in there. Dr. Jen Gunter also stamped “Not Recommended” onto that health tip, because sticking an egg up in there could lead to you becoming a mom to a chick and I don’t know if you’re ready that. But really, I’m sensing a theme with Goopy. It looks like she’s going through the elements, and I don’t even have a cooze, but I’m still crossing my legs while wondering what she’s going to do with “fire.”
Goopy did an interview with Women’s Health to pimp out her new packs of vitamins, and she was asked about people judging her for trying to get them into vag steaming and snatch eggs. Goopy doesn’t care if people are too simple in the mind to understand her so-forward methods!