“Honey, can you take off your wedding ring and also let everyone you know that we got divorced, and it’s finalized, thank you, dear,” was uttered by millions of wives everywhere after we all learned that Miranda Lambert is single and ready to mingle with some taken pieces. Oh, naive wives, this is Miranda Lambert we’re talking about. She’s a pro. Ring or not, she knows a dude is married because she can sniff out his “haven’t had sex since my wedding night” scent.
Miranda announced she was done with Evan Felker not long after it was reported that his divorce from Staci Felker had been finalized. So Evan lost a wife, who is apparently not looking to take his skeezer ass back, and a multi-millionaire country star girlfriend who is so not going to put him on one of her tours again, and a source tells People it’s because he broke one of her rules. No, the rule wasn’t: Have a wife.
It’s been over two years since the internet and the Beyhive opened up the case into figuring out the identity of the “Becky with the Good Hair” who took a ride on Jay-Z’s untrue dick while he was with Beyonce. The case has pretty much remained unsolved, but many think that Becky’s real name is Rachel Roy while others (read: Rita Ora and Rita Ora only) think it’s Rita Ora. Amber Rose picked up the cold case, dusted it off and after looking into it, she believes she really knows who Becky is. Detective Amber thinks that Jay-Z was knocking yoni eggs out of Goopy Paltrow’s steam tunnel of a cooze. The LAPD better put Detective Amber on an unpaid leave after I file a harassment claim against her for giving me the image of Goopy gooping all over Jay-Z’s dick. I’ve been attacked.
Stormy Daniels Was Arrested At An Ohio Strip Club For Allegedly Letting An Undercover Cop Motorboat Her (UPDATE)
UPDATE: All the charges against Stormy have been dropped, because the Ohio law is only meant for regular strip club strippers. Stormy was a featured guest dancer. The judge already threw the charges out, and that’s that. Poor “Deric Dump” (see my “joke” below) had to bruise his one brain cell by trying to figure out how to call the cops in Columbus for nothing! The cops also claim that they weren’t targeting Stormy. They were there to look into complaints of drugs and hooking.
Here’s the original story:
The shit Stormy Daniels was put into handcuffs for may have been stupid and a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least she brought it in her mug shot, and gave that camera heaping servings of beauty, glamour, and intrigue with that yellow-haired Jaqueline Smith Charlie’s Angels seasons 1 hair and those smoky vengeance eyes. Stormy really needs to do a YouTube beauty tutorial showing us how to paint your face up so it remains stunning even under the harsh beauty-hating lighting of a police station.
CNN says that Stormy Daniels, the porn star and one-time fuck partner of Donald Trump (as in, they only fucked once) who is suing him for defamation, was arrested late last night at Sirens strip club in Columbus, OH for letting a customer touch her. The customer happened to be an undercover cop named Officer Mary Prather. Stormy is accused of touching Officer Mary’s ass and breasts before motorboating her. Ohio law states that a stripper who gets naked or semi-naked can only touch a customer if they’re related to that customer. Jabba the Trump is definitely cackling over one of his many rivals getting arrested, but he’s also making a mental note that if for some reason Ivanka has to become a stripper, she needs to do so in Ohio.
While some models take any catalog job they can get so they don’t have to move back to their hometown to pick up shifts at the local Sbarro to make ends meet, the current “bitches of the moment” (copyright: Stephanie Seymour) like Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid are currently slumming it in their NYC penthouses since they grew up in California castles. Gigi says she recognizes her lofty lifestyle, and admits she’s felt privilege-shame before.
Us homely-faced poors needs to stop feeling bad about not being stunning in the mug and having to put items back at the Target cash wrap area because our card got declined. There’s someone out there who has it much, much worse. Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones has had to go through life apologizing for taking breaths away with her beauty and causing temporarily blindness with the sparkle rays shooting off of her rich lady diamonds. But the days of having to be faux humble about her stunning looks and overflowing bank account are behind her. CZJ is keeping Stephanie Yellowhair’s legacy alive by saying, “Excuse my beauty…. and diamonds!”
Roseanne Barr Begged ABC Not To Dump Her Show, And There’s A Chance They’ll Bring It Back Without Her
It took Mickey Mouse approximately forty-five seconds to gather one of his biggest cash cows, the Roseanne revival, and shoot it out back after Roseanne Barr earned a place as KKK Monthly’s Person of the Year by comparing Valerie Jarrett to an ape. Even though Roseanne could’ve brought in $65 million in ad sales for its second season, ABC canceled it after one of its producers Wanda Sykes washed her hands of it and several cast members clutched their pearls while cooing, “I do declare, I am disgusted that Roseanne tweeted the kind of tweet she’s tweeted many times over the years!” Roseanne tweeted yesterday that she begged ABC to keep the show, and now TMZ is saying that ABC may keep the show but it’ll be Roseanne without Roseanne. So, NOseanne, I guess.