Category: Girlfriend Please

Taylor Swift Now Has The Power To Mass-Delete Hating Comments

July 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Famous and non-famous people are hit with death threats and racist shit all the time on social media (example: Leslie Jones), but when poor, little permanent damsel in distress Taylor Swift gets viciously attacked with threatening and scary snake emojis, Instagram drops EVERYTHING to protect her snowflake feelings and crumbling image as America’s sweetheart.

After Kim Kartrashian pulled the sheep’s clothing off of Taylor Swift by exposing her as a liar in several Snapchat videos, Tay’s Instagram page started to look like the inside of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic ritual chamber. The comment section of her Instagram posts got covered with zillions of snakes, and instead of laughing it off while enjoying her riches (aka making her low-ranking squad members exfoliate her skin with crushed diamonds and shredded bills), she cried to the principal. Instagram eventually sprinkled reptile poison all over Taylor’s page and the snake emojis disappeared. And now The Times (via The Drum) says that Instagram has given Taylor’s team a tool that allows them to commit hate comment genocide.

FYI: Goopy Paltrow Was Doing Yoga Before Yoga Was Cool

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.

While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:

I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.

I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].

You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:

Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.


Prince George Celebrated His 3rd Birthday By Trying To Poison That Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 22, 2016 / Posted by:

Hmmm….something in the milk is POISON!” – that dog, who obviously knows what’s up and knows that Prince George cannot be trusted!

The heir to the British throne turns 3 years old today, and so Kensington Palace celebrated by gifting the eyes of his loyal subjects with cute pictures they tweeted. But well, behind one of those pictures is darkness and cruelty. Some look at the picture of Prince George and Lupo Middleton Mountbatten-Windsor above and say to themselves, “Awww, look at the widdle prince giving a widdle ice cweam to the widdle doggy.” But others look at that picture and see attempted pooch murder!

The Guardian says that that a few messes on Twitter are jokingly (I hope) calling for Prince George to be imprisoned for animal cruelty. Prince George is supposedly offering his doggy-in-waiting a taste of a white chocolate ice cream bar. Chocolate is to dogs what an Iggy Azalea song is to ears. It’s painful poison. Some dogs are also hit with a case of dogarrhea when they eat diary. That picture is so serious that the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released this statement about it:

“It is lovely that Prince George is trying to help keep his family dog, Lupo, cool in these high temperatures. We would advise people to be cautious when giving their dogs food meant for human consumption as some items, like chocolate, can be highly toxic to dogs and dairy items can be difficult for them to digest.

Instead of ice-cream we would suggest making an ice lolly from pet-friendly ingredients. Making these can be really fun for children and the end product is both safe and enjoyable for dogs.”

Prince George has yet to respond to this himself because he’s only 3 and doesn’t understand all those words. Or because he’s busy instructing his staff to set up a white chocolate ice cream stand in a dog park. Yeah, that’s probably it.

And here’s more pictures of the miniature Christopher Robin busting out J. Crew Kids catalog poses while wearing “bargain birthday outfits” (FYI: People considers a $36 toddler t-shirt a bargain.) in his birthday pictures, as well as pictures from earlier this month of Prince George waving at his haters before taking his flying royal chariot up in the air to survey his land.

Pics: @KensingtonRoyal,

Taylor Swift Hasn’t Dropped Her Plans To Get Legal Revenge On Kimye

July 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Allison brought us the news from TMZ that Kim Kartrashian probably won’t have to figure out a way to make prison-made Botox out of anus-numbing cream and pen ink from the commissary, because she and Kanye West didn’t commit a felony when they recorded and posted his telephone conversation with Taylor Swift about his song “Famous.” Only “confidential” conversations fall under California’s wiretapping law and since Kanye had Tay Tay on speaker and other people were in the room, it’s apparently not considered “confidential.” But that piece of information hasn’t stopped Taylor from putting together a mock trial, starring her cats and Furby collection, to practice for the day when she sees those whores in court!

Khlozilla Dragged A Random Chick’s B-Hole Into The Kimye/Taylor Feud

July 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Just when we all thought that the War of the Assholes was already filled to the max with assholes, Khloe Kartrashian dragged a random one into it last night. Specifically, a random b-hole that is innocent in all of this and has shits to give, since that’s usually the purpose of a b-hole, but none of those shits are for the Kimye/Taylor Feud.

Tom Hiddleston Says That His And Taylor Swift’s Love Is Real And Genuine….

July 14, 2016 / Posted by:

In that picture, Tom Hiddleston is probably silently screaming, “heeeeeeeeeeelp,” into the camera, but let’s just pretend he’s doing the, “Bitch, stop pulling my dick,” squint so you don’t have to. Thanks, Tom!

Ever since Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston’s love grew amongst the algae on the beach rocks in Rhode Island, some figured that their union has as much real weight as the relationship contract they signed and others thought that maybe she’s doing some kind of performance art/video thing.  But Tom Hiddleston says that all of us doubting bitches need to delete our Tumblrs that are covered with timelines and pictures proving this shit is fake, because it’s not a publicity stunt. The Hollywood Reporter talked to Tom by phone from Australia, where he’s shooting Thor 3, to congratulate his ass for getting an Emmy nomination this morning. While they had him on the phone, they slipped him a question about Taylor:

Do you know who you’re going to take with you to the Emmys?

I don’t. I didn’t even know I could. It’s 4 in the morning here! (Laughs.)

You’re in the middle of a cultural frenzy right now dating Taylor Swift. How would you respond to people who claim that you’re involved in some sort of publicity stunt?

(Laughs.) Well, um. How best to put this? That notion is — look, the truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and we’re very happy. Thanks for asking. That’s the truth. It’s not a publicity stunt.

Like he’s going to admit that shit is fake. “I’d tell those people that they’re right. They caught us!

I do love that he called Taylor Swift by her first and last name. It’s like he’s reading off of a script and if that’s the case, I really wish he would’ve messed up by saying:

“The truth is that Taylor Swift and I are together, and now Tom say this part like you mean it and don’t cry about how you can’t believe what you got yourself into like you did the last time- Bollocks, I read the instructions!”

And here’s Taylor Swift (or as Tom Hiddleston calls her, “Taylor Swift”) going shopping in the Gold Coast yesterday.

Pics: Splash

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