Because Oprah threatened to feed Lindsay Lohan to her hair if that mess doesn’t go out there on the ho stroll and bring up the ratings, she was on Watch What Happens Live last night to sell the final episode of the reality shit show that will prove to producers and directors that she’s a reliable, responsible and easy to work with individual who’s not at all a cold sore stuck to everyone’s urethra. During her talk with the shifty, giggling Siamese cat Andy Cohen, LiLo said that she hardly ever drops her chest wontons into a bra, because she doesn’t like bras and she claimed that she wasn’t “partying” at Coochella. While playing Plead The Fifth, Andy brought up that list of all the famous hot pieces she’s supposedly rubbed her roast beef and cheddar slider on. Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom were all on the list. InTouch, who published the list, said that LiLo made the list on a Scattergories sheet while getting drunk with her friends at a hotel bar. But last night, the embalmed freckled crack gremlin told Andy that she made the list in rehab at Betty Ford.
“That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must’ve taken a photo of it and so that’s a personal thing. It’s really unfortunate. I talk about this on the last episode of the OWN show, so to be continued…”
I didn’t know there was an AA step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you’ve taken a ride on (or a step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you WISH you’ve taken a ride on). According to AA.org, the fifth step is:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Oh, now it makes sense! LiLo made a list of all the dudes she’s sorry she gave gonorrhea to.
The warped Grinch figurine also pulled everyone’s dick (yes, we’ve all got gonorrhea now and we’ll be on the next list) when she defended White Oprah. LiLo says that she’s the one who drags White Oprah to clubs as a “security blanket” and then told the funniest joke of all-time when she said that White Oprah doesn’t drink. I think LiLo cut herself off too soon. What she meant to say was, “My mother doesn’t drink…..anything that doesn’t come in a bottle with ’100 proof’ written on it.”
Here’s LiLo talking about the list she probably leaked herself, because she needed something to cry about for the last episode of her shit show.
“Highly Successful Television And Motion Picture Actress” Katherine Heigl Is Suing Duane Reade For $6 Million
Last month, the NYC chain of drugstore which used to be the Brooklyn home of all my lotion, beer and chicharones needs, tweeted a picture from Just Jared of humanity’s extra-smelly tonsil stone Katherine Heigl wearing a giant dog turd around her neck while leaving one of their stores with bags full of suppositories, butt douches, laxatives and other products to help get the stick out of her ass (SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work). Heigl hates everything and she kicks flowers for fun, but she really hated that Duane Reade used her, AN INTERNATIONAL MOVIE AND TV SUPERSTAR, to promote their stores without paying up. So she’s suing them for a third of her net worth.
UsWeekly says that Heigl’s lawyers tried to get Duane Reade to delete the tweet, but they pissed on all those requests and kept it up. So TMZ says that Heigl’s lawyers threw a lawsuit at Duane Reade and they’re asking for at least $6 million. If she gets any money from Duane Reade, she says she’ll donate it to an animal charity.
Katherine Phlegm Sound has an endorsement deal with Zzzquil and if they paid her $6 million or more, then they must’ve been high on their own shit when they made that deal. Speaking of being high on one’s own shit, the documents that Heigl’s lawyers filed are made of one hundred percent hilarity and it’s the single-most entertaining thing she’s every contributed to. The documents contain this lukewarm puddle of delusion:
“Plaintiff is a highly successful television and motion picture actress, producer and celebrity. Plaintiff continues to be in high demand in the entertainment industry. A recent search for ‘Katherine Heigl’ on the Google search engine returned over 3.2 million results.”
Hmmm, it’s funny that when you Google, “Katherine Heigl is,” the words, “a highly successful television and motion picture actress,” don’t come up at all. Only this comes up:
What I hate, hate, hate, HATE, hate most about this is that I’m looking at that picture of the humanized crusty loogie over the words, “can’t resist shopping #NYC’s favorite drugstore,” and thinking that she has a case. Everything I know about law I learned from the court room scenes in Dynasty, but it looks like she could win if they don’t settle. Fuck you, Duane Reade, fuck you right in the mouth for making me saying that annoying bitch might right I will never forgive Duane Reade for this and I should sue them for humiliation. But $6 million?! Bitch should settle if Duane Reade offers her a used $25 gift card that’s got $6 on it.
James Franco was on Live With Kelly And Michael this morning to promote whatever and his ass brought up the Instagram trolling session that made him look like a hard up, thirsty business man who’s in town for a convention and is trying to lure teenage ass to his room at the Ramada. The Instagram page of the 17-year-old Scottish girl that James tried to fuck has been deleted, but his attempt to get into her chonies lives on forever thanks to screen shots. On Kelly and Michael, James dribbled out a river of cold bullshit about how SOCIAL MEDIA IS TRICKY and BEING FAMOUS IS HARD and YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYONE ANYMORE and blah blah wah wah wah. Instead of admitting that he’s a 35-year-old cradle-robbing manther who just loves him some baaaaaarely legal ass, he shat up this load of smegma:
“I’m embarrassed and I guess I’m just a model of how social media is tricky. It’s a way people meet each other today, but what I’ve learned, I guess just cause I’m new to it, it’s like you don’t know who’s on the other end. You met somebody in person and you get a feel for them, but you don’t know who you’re talking to. I used bad judgement and I learned my lesson. But unfortunately in my position, I mean I have a very good life, but not only do I have to go through the embarrassing rituals of meeting someone… Sometimes if I do that it gets published for the world and now it’s doubling embarrassing.”
So the 17-year-old Scottish girl he met outside of his show turned about to be a 17-year-old Scottish girl? James Franco was totally tricked! Call Nev and Max, because this shit needs to be its own episode of Catfish. Bitch can talk about being tricked when an Internet hook-up sends him a picture that looks like Sam Worthington and when he gets to the hook-up’s apartment, that dude looks more like Sam Kinison (and yes, I still did it.) And what is this “embarrassing rituals of meeting someone” shit? James Franco is a celebrity and so pussy, ass and dick gets thrown at his face all the time. Bitch can talk about “embarrassing rituals of meeting someone” after he drives 2 hours to meet a Craigslist trick at a Winchell’s and ends up getting stood up and has to drown his sorrows in a bear claw (which is not a bad thing to drown your sorrows in).
So James Franco failed at picking up a 17-year-old, she put him on blast on the Internet and now he’s feeling sorry for himself? Put a butt plug in that whine hole.
The whole thing is suspicious, though. James met the 17-year-old Scottish girl outside of his show on the same day that the trailer for his movie Palo Alto (below) came out. Palo Alto is about a coach who gets it on with a teenage girl. And this all goes down just a couple days before he goes on Kelly & Michael where he talks about the embarrassing rituals of meeting someone. Hmmm… But the biggest piece of proof that this could all be a publicity stunt is: James Franco.
And did Kelly Ripa just admit to trolling for 17-year-old dick on Instagram?
Seen above on the cover of May’s Cosmopolitan looking like a plastic and wooden Jennifer Aniston puppet that’s taking the most cheerful shit ever, Kaley Cuoco tells the magazine that before her week-long PRomance with Henry Cavill, she was a stranger bitch to many and after their trial contract expired, everybody suddenly knew her face. In the future, publicists trying to talk their clients into a fake relationship for attention, will bring up this quote from Kaley Cuoco and tell them that PRomances work for even the most basic of hos. They’ll follow it up by asking, “Now, do you want the Gyllenhaal or the Cooper?” Kaley spit this out about her 10 days with Superman:
“I had no one following me until I met Superman. I’ve been in this business for 20 years, and my whole life, I could go anywhere, do anything. There had not been one paparazzi photo of me until like several months ago. The recognition was crazy.”
Kaley Cuoco fame whoring her way onto our eyeballs isn’t the crazy part. The crazy part is that it’s been months since she held hands with Superman on the ho stroll and I’m still writing about her damn ass. This past weekend, I dropped half of my ice cream Drumstick on the patio floor and picked it up and ate it. That doesn’t disgust me as much as me being able to type Kaley Cuoco’s last name without Googling. What is wrong with me?
And Kaley also said that she reads comments about herself online:
“I started reading [the social media comments] and thought, Maybe I need to make more of an effort and not go out in my UGGs and be disgusting. So I started putting on makeup. And they started writing, ‘Wow, someone really likes being in front of the camera’ and ‘Her hair’s done now for coffee.’ I couldn’t do anything right. Why am I reading this stuff? But I’m obsessed. I openly admit to being totally insane about that.”
If she chopped off the “about that” part of the last sentence, I’d pat her on her stupid tattoo for summing herself up perfectly. Since there’s a chance that Kaley is reading this mess, let me tell her ass a really easy way to get hos to say she has never ever looked hotter. All she has to do is get a plain white t-shirt, pull out a Sharpie, write the exact measurements of Henry Cavill’s peen on it and wear it everywhere. Bonus points if she sketches a portrait of Superman’s peen on that back of that t-shirt.
In “Dios mio, I wish that Michael Cera as The Riddler story wasn’t an April Fool’s dick pull so I could write about the impending nerd meltdown instead of this shit” news, it looks like the Hazmat medical professionals released Katy Perry from the quarantine tent after removing all the toxic grillz dingles that got stuck in her chocha when she 69′d with Riff Raff. Because Katy Perry is walking amongst us again and on Saturday night she showed up to MOCA’s 35th Anniversary Gala looking like she couldn’t decided between dressing up in low-budget Mrs. White cosplay or low-budget Miss Scarlett cosplay, she dressed as a little of both. At the MOCO Gala (typo and it stays), Katy told E! some riveting shit that a 3rd grader would say if you asked them what they’re going to do on summer break. “Ahs gonna paint my hair a crazy color and do art stuff!” Katy is going to dye her hair slime green and buy art:
“I’ve wanted to go slime green for a long time. It’s spring time and I think it’s time to freshen up my look. I’m really excited about slime green, but I hope my hair doesn’t fall out.
I’m going to slowly become an art collector. Today, we had an all-day art crawl. We got to see some private collections from some people’s homes and then we went to a couple of galleries. What I’m really drawn to is modern contemporary art and pop art, of course. Also some key photography. I’ve always loved Cindy Sherman and today I got interested in Lee Friedlander…This is all brand new. I’m really interested in having an art history education.”
So a millionaire trick who’s dyed her hair every color of the Manic Panic rainbow is going to dye her hair the color of the pus that oozes out of John Mayer’s urethra wart and she’s going to use a sliver of her millions to buy the original of the poster I have hanging in front of my toilet? EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. But Katy is telling lies about why she’s dying her hair slime green. Bitch isn’t doing it to freshen up her look. Katy’s pussy bush has turned green from letting John Mayer’s radioactive waste of a peen touch her crotch repeatedly. She’s got fungus pubes. Katy can wax or shave that shit off, but it’ll just grow back greener. John’s diseased grossness is so strong that it affects the follicles. So Katy shrugged and figured that she might as well dye the drapes to match the carpet.
The “bodyguard” who was with Zac Efron on Sunday night when he got fisted in the mouth tells TMZ his side of the story and even Lindsay Lohan while cracked out of her freckled skull could come with a better fairy tale than this shit. The “bodyguard,” who didn’t want to spill his name out, has a criminal record for violence and drugs, so he’s a “bodyguard” as much as John Travolta goes to a massage therapist for an actual massage.
At first, the “bodyguard” told TMZ that he and Zac were cruising around Downtown L.A. at 12:30 on Sunday, but later on in the conversation he says that they were going to a restaurant in Little Tokyo. Their car ran out of gas and rolled to a stop at the bottom of an off-ramp. Earlier, TMZ said that the 3 homeless dudes came at the bodyguard when Zac threw a glass bottle out the window and it broke near them. But the bodyguard says it didn’t go down like that. For whatever reason the 3 homeless dudes attacked him with a spear-like shank. They shanked him in the face, stomach and chest. Zac jumped out of the car with a vodka bottle in his hand and swung it at the homeless dudes hoping they’d stop stabbing his “bodyguard.” That’s when the cops arrived. So the “bodyguard” says that Zac is a real hero for saving his life.
The HELL is that story? A spear-like shank? When their gas-less car rolled to a stop, did it pass through a portal taking them to post-apocalyptic Los Angeles? Because whoever came up with that story watched Escape From L.A. too many times. Everything about that story is shady from the homeless dudes attacking the “bodyguard” with a shank for no reason to the delicate unicorn carved out of a giant Bronzer stick that is Zac Efron jumping out of the car with a vodka bottle. Whatever happened to the days when you were in a drug deal gone wrong and you could simply say, “Oh, you know, I was in a drug deal gone wrong.” If I’m ever in a drug deal gone wrong and need to lie about it, remind me to not tell the story Zac’s trying to push.
According to James Franco, that picture was not taken after Lindsay Lohan queefed on his face while he was eating her out, because he’s never eaten her out.
A couple of weeks ago, James Franco’s name was on a list that InTouch Weekly published of dudes who probably had a dick wart or two frozen off after sticking their peens between Lindsay Lohan’s freckled jerky curtains. InTouch claims that LiLo drunkenly made the list with friends at a bar at the Beverly Hills Hotel last year and “accidentally” left the list on a table. While talking to Los Angeles Magazine about his new book of material to get your eye-rolling muscle in shape (aka his new book of poetry), the douche of all trades brought up the list and says he’s never put his peen on LiLo’s green eggs and ham.
You wrote about several celebrities in this book, including a couple of poems about Lindsay Lohan. Have you gotten any response from any of these people?
No, I didn’t write anything bad about them. And Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list! So I feel like what I said is much less than what she’s said.
I guess James really is sticking with that story, because last year he told Howard Stern that LiLo tried to get on his dick at the Chateau Marmont and he turned her down:
“Oh, gosh. Poor Lindsay. I haven’t talked to her in a while. We were friends. My house in L.A. was being redone, so I did this thing where I just stayed at the hotel, and she had been living there for a couple years.
I mean, I don’t want to brag about it. I don’t know how that got out. [Lindsay] was having issues even then, so you feel weird. Honestly, she was a friend. I’ve met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don’t want to do that.”
The fact that Seth Rogen’s cuddle time buddy doesn’t even consider the possibility that InTouch Weekly just made that list up by trolling through old tabloid stories makes me think that, yes, he hit that. But there’s an easy way to confirm if this is true or not. Just check the Chateau Marmont maintenance and housekeeping records from when James stayed there and if there’s several complaints of an odor that reeks of “rotten ground beef cooking in a pot of boiling vinegar and spoiled tuna fish water,” we’ll know that it totally happened.
Reading the heave-worthy title of Goopy Paltrow’s break-up statement was like hearing my cousin pronounce chardonnay as “churr-doo-nay.” I cackled even though I had no idea what she was saying.
Goopy is always trying to out-GOOP herself, so while us regulars let the online world know we’re single by changing our FB status to, “on the prowl for hard dick again,” she posted a 2,000 word piece from some fancy doctors about”conscious uncoupling.” Bitch hasn’t even filed for divorce yet and she’s already an expert on it all. So as Chris Martin celebrated his separation by eating an Arby’s roast beef with horsey sauce off of a hooker’s crotch while another hooker fucked him in the butt with a Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap from McDonald’s, Professor Pretentioussia McStickUpperAss asked Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami to write a piece about “conscious uncoupling” for Goop. Here’s just a sliver of that WTF pie:
To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone. In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment. This is probably the reason why so many people say their long-term relationships changed overnight, once they got married. The people didn’t change, but the expectation did.
To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. This is not to suggest that there aren’t couples who happily make these milestones—we all hope that we’re one of them. Everyone enters into a marriage with the good intention to go all the way, but this sort of longevity is the exception, rather than the rule. It’s important to remember too, that just because someone is still married doesn’t mean they’re happy or that the relationship is fulfilling. To that end, living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce.
In order for those two paragraphs to make complete sense to me, I’m gonna need Neil deGrasse Tyson to explain it to me while I’m stoned into another dimension. That shit makes marriage sound like a pair of single-use contact lenses. (“Wait, it isn’t?” - Kim Kartrashian)
But I get it. It’s not Goopy’s fault her marriage ended, it’s just science. When everybody else divorces, they’re fat failures and their marriage ended because they ate too many carbs. When Goopy gets divorced, it isn’t because she and Chris just wanted to freely and openly put their mouths on other people’s fuck parts, it’s because she’s just really, really evolved.
In short: “Conscious uncoupling” is GOOP talk for “My divorce is better than YOUR divorce.”
On the left is what shot out of Brigitte Nielsen’s vagine nine months after she had unprotected, sloppy, casual fuck times with a cracked out, deranged raccoon behind some park bushes. On the right is what you see when you look at a drop of nectar from a unicorn’s nipple under a microscope. If you think these two look alike, your name is Pamela Anderson or you’re suffering from severe head trauma because an anvil just fell on you. If it’s the former, stop. If it’s the latter, stop reading this and immediately seek emergency medical attention.
Pamela Anderson chopped off her weave and hair a few months ago and yes, she looks good, but she has obviously gone crazy. Because she tells Elle that when she first saw herself in the mirror she thought she looked like Anderson Cooper. This. Bitch. Is. For. Real.
“At first I thought I looked like Anderson Cooper or like a Q-tip or something. But now I feel really powerful. I have a friend who is an awesome, studly man, and he goes, ‘You know, some women cut their hair and it makes them look even more masculine, but you look even more feminine.’ I thought it would be weird having sex with short hair but then I kind of got into the mode.”
Is she talking about Anderson Cooper as in The Silver Fox? Or is she talking about a different Anderson Cooper? Maybe she knows an Anderson Cooper who’s the child of Brigitte Nielsen and a cracked out, deranged raccoon? If she looked in the mirror and really thought she was Anderson Cooper, we would know about it. Because she’d be so horny for herself that she’d suction her cooch to the mirror and the fire department would have to use the jaws of life to pry her off. TMZ would’ve had a live feed of that.
You know what really shouldn’t be a thing? Those short Moe Howard bangs.
Lily Allen was awarded the Feminist of the Century award on International Women’s Day after she supposedly told Shortlist that she doesn’t understand why feminism still exists since women and men are equal now! If your brain needs a brush up on the foolery that came out of Lily’s mouth, here’s a couple of quotes:
“Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn’t even be a thing anymore. We’re all equal, everyone is equal. Why is there even a conversation about feminism? What’s the man version of feminism? There isn’t even a word for it. Menanism. Male-ism. It doesn’t exist.
I don’t think men are the enemy. I think women are the enemy. I know that when I’m sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who’s skinny, I instinctively think, ‘Oh, she’s really skinny and beautiful and I’m really fat and ugly.’ So it’s more of a competitive thing. It’s weird. It’s just really unhealthy and we’re our own worst enemy.”
When a writer for Holy Moly called her out in a post, Lily found the writer on Twitter and screamed that she was misquoted and her words were Sarah Palinized before they were published in the issue of Shortlist that she guest edited (Good job at editing, Lily!). Lily was misquoted, but she’s used to it since she’s always misquoted! How very Kanye of her. In a series of tweets, Lily spit this out:
I deal with sexism and misogyny every day, I’m patronised on an hourly basis, so excuse me if your article has fucked me off. They weren’t my words, you interpreted them wrongly and SHORTLIST misquoted me. I do 20 interviews a day. I’m misquoted in nearly all of them.
If Lily’s words are turned around in almost every interview she does, she should try something knew. She should turn on the opposite switch in her brain and say the opposite of what she means. If she’s a feminist, she should tell the interviewer that she’s a proud misogynist and hates all women, so they’ll quote her as saying, “I am a feminist!” But Lily’s mouth always squirts out a geyser of fuckery, so I don’t think she was totally misquoted. She probably doesn’t remember the words that came out of her ass during that interview, because her brain was operating on the wrong kind of bad shit. And yes, I’m sure she was also on the wrong stuff when she chose to wear her bangs like that. Looking like Pebbles Flinstone got crazy with a pair of safety scissors.