Category: Girlfriend Please

One Of Marky Mark’s Victims Thinks He Should Be Pardoned

December 11, 2014 / Posted by:

PARDONED FROM THE PLANET!!1!!

No, Johnny Trinh tells The Daily Mail that even though Marky Mark has never said sorry to him, he doesn’t hold any grudges and thinks the furious Cha-Ka of New England should get that pardon. Johnny also says that Marky Mark’s fist didn’t blind him. He lost his eye while fighting for the US during the Vietnam War. The Daily Mail says that Johnny is speaking out about the attack for the first time, because he thinks people should know that he forgives Marky Mark.

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And In “Ariana Grande Is Still A Brat” News, Ariana Grande Demands To Be Carried Like A Baby

December 10, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s no secret that the evil Bratz doll who came to life one day when someone played Mariah Carey’s Daydream backwards known as Ariana Grande is a demanding, entitled little diva toddler, and it sounds like she’s not running out of ways to act like an obnoxious spoiled brat anytime soon. According to Life & Style, Ariana has started demanding that she be carried around like a baby when she gets too tie-tie to walk like a big girl. I guess that makes sense; she has built her career on working the very sexy baby angle, after all. By the way – in case you’ve forgotten, Ariana Grande is a 21-year-old woman.

“Her new rule is that she has to be carried – literally carried like a baby – when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source, who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. “Everyone was stunned. Ariana is such a diva.”

Demanding to be carried around like a baby? YAWN. Wake me up when she fires a bitch for daring to serve her un-dished nuts,” hissed the current queen of diva terror Heather Cho.

Look, Ariana Grande is about as pleasant as a road trip yeast infection, but is demanding to be carried around that bad? I’ll be honest, if I had the money, I’d probably hire someone to carry me around when I get too tired to walk. I’d probably also hire someone to brush my teeth and hose me off like a zoo animal, but I think that has less to do with me being a diva and more about me being extremely lazy.

And this probably goes without saying, but you know it’s only a matter of time before she just stops walking altogether and starts traveling by stroller.

Marky Mark Wants A Pardon For Viciously Attacking Two Men In 1988

December 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Before Marky Mark was a multi-millionaire movie star, chronic mother greeter and delusional, sanctimonious douche rash of Hollywood, he was a drugged-out teenage menace to society who partially blinded a man during an attack in Boston in 1988. Marky Mark wants the Governor of Massachusetts to pardon the assaults, because he’s changed his criminal ways and is a do-gooder now. Pardon me as I roll both of my eyes at Marky Mark, which is not something his victim can do.

By the time Marky Mark was 16, he was already a cokehead and was sued for throwing rocks and racial slurs at a group of black kids. When he was 16, Marky approached a middle-aged Vietnamese man carrying booze and screamed some racist shit at him before hitting him in the head with a 2X5 stick. Marky hit him so hard that the man lost consciousness and the stick broke in two. Marky and two friends later attacked a second Vietnamese man by punching him in the face while calling him racial slurs. The man lost sight in one eye. Mark was convicted as an adult of assault and other charges and he was sentenced to only 3 months in jail. He only served 45 days before being released back into the wild.

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The Today Show’s Dr. Nancy Snyderman Is Sort Of Kind Of Sorry For Violating Ebola Quarantine

December 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Dr. Nancy Snyderman achieved the impossible last October when she temporarily dethroned Matt Lauer as the smuggiest smug smugger of the Today show by breaking the voluntary Ebola quarantine she promised to put herself under and by releasing a bullshit statement where she took zero responsibility. A couple of months ago, Dr. Nancy, NBC’s chief medical correspondent, was in West Africa covering the Ebola outbreak and a freelance cameraman in her crew caught the virus. After coming back to the US, Dr. Nancy and the other members of her crew agreed to stay in isolation (aka not leave their houses) for three weeks. 72 hours after she started the quarantine, Dr. Nancy said fuck you to that shit when she drove with two dudes to a restaurant in Hopewell, NJ. Dr. Nancy sat in the car while one dude went to get the food. Dr. Nancy broke that shit for a stupid car ride. If you’re going to break the quarantine, break it for something good like…. like… like… Hmm, I can’t come up with a fun reason for being outside.

After Dr. Nancy Smuggyman dribbled out that non-apology, some people screamed for her to be fired from NBC. There were rumors that NBC planned to dump Dr. Nancy. That never happened and this morning, Matt Lauer welcomed Dr. Nancy back to Today. Dr. Nancy apologized for scaring the community and made it clear that the quarantine was only voluntary and she didn’t have one symptom. She also said something about hats.

“We had already been taking our temperatures 4, 5, 6 times a day, and we knew our risks in our heads, but didn’t really appreciate, and frankly we were not sensitive to, how absolutely frightened Americans were. So I came back, agreed to a voluntary quarantine in my home, and then 72 hours, left my home.

The thing is, I wear two hats. I have my doctor hat and I have my journalist hat. And when the science and messaging sometimes collide, and you leave the optics of, in this case, a hot zone, and come back to the United States good people can make mistakes. And I stepped outside the boundaries of what I promised to do, and what the public expected of me, and for that I’m sorry.”

In other words, Dr. Nancy is sorry she scared you. That’s a new one. Whatever happened to just saying, “I’m sorry! My butt wasn’t bleeding and I wanted mac and cheese. Get over it, you paranoid whores!” Dr. Nancy did earn herself a third hat from this mess. She earned a dunce cap.

And as my mom would say, “DR. OZ WOULD NEVER!” Dr. Oz would gladly stay in his house and film a month-long special titled: How To Lose Your Stubborn Belly Fat While Under A 21-Day Ebola Quarantine.

LeAnn Rimes Wants You To Know That She Was So Much Better Than Her Stepson When She Was His Age

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Scientists and animal experts will tell you that luck dragons are usually very maternal and The NeverEnding Story showed us that they usually have words of support and wisdom for young humans. That trait must’ve passed LeAnn Rimes by.

LeAnn did a looooooooong interview with The Mail on Sunday (via InTouch) where she continued to show us that she lives in a fart bubble of delusion by saying that she and Eddie Cibrian were meant to be together and splitting up is not an option. (Cut to next year when the money train crashes and burns and Eddie leaves her for an extra from Vanderpump Rules.) LeAnn also talked about her upbringing and how she was the one putting food on the table at a really young age. LeAnn says that when she was a kid, she was EVERY kid. She was doing it all. So when she looks at her 11-year-old bonus son trying to get his shoe lace game together, she lets out a “pfft” over what a simpleton he is.

My mum and dad were not meant to be together. They got divorced when I was 14. I was sad but I was also fine; there was so much going on with my career that there wasn’t a lot of time to talk about it. But they instilled great values in me. I attribute my work ethic to my dad. He taught me to show up on time and know what I was doing. I have a great reputation in this business because of that. Most people don’t come back from things like my dad and I went through [the court case]. We didn’t speak for three and a half years. But now we are close. Eddie and I take his kids to visit my dad in Nashville.

I was super-driven as a kid. Even though I was on the road a lot, the teachers would give me homework and I would get it all done. I look at my 11-year-old stepson Mason, and I’m like, ‘I signed a record deal when I was your age. You’re still fumbling with tying your shoelaces.’

I went to Brand Glanville’s Twitter and it’s still standing and hasn’t collapsed into a pile of rage, wine-infused tears and ash, which is surprising.

LeAnn is seriously such a kind and supportive bonus mom. But you know, the paparazzi that she calls have taken pictures of her doing absolutely EVERYTHING and yet, I’ve never seen pictures of her tying her shoe laces. Hmmm… Come to think of it, I don’t think luck dragons can tie their shoe laces. Shoe laces confuse them. So yeah, she’s looking down at little Mason for not getting a record deal at the age of 11 and yet ho can’t even tie her own laces. Get off your high horse, high horse.

Here’s the kind and supportive bonus mom, her piece and her bonus kids at The Grove’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony the other day. I see LeAnn flirting with Santa while he’s wondering why Blitzen is saying human words to him.

Pics: Wenn.com 

Role Model Kim Kardashian’s Back Hurt For A Week After “That Shoot”

November 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above in Melbourne wearing about as much plastic that’s in her ass, Kim Kartrashian is in Australia to talk about how Russian scientists recently explored the end of the world crater between her butt cheeks. Kummy Kakes is also there to whore out her new bottle of skank stank called “Fleur Fatale.

While on the Australian TV show The Project, the show’s host Rove McManus asked Kim why she smeared her greasy jamón ass all over the cover of Paper Magazine and if she really balanced that champagne glass on her ass. If you’re going to read what came out of Kummy Kakes’ mouth, put on a heavy duty pair of goggles and plug your nose, because right after one thick wave of delusion hits you in the face, another one does, and another… via UsWeekly:

“I was so honored and excited to work with [photographer Jean-Paul Goude] because he is a legend, and for me that was something I wanted to do to make myself feel confident. As a role model I’m not saying anyone else should do that, but for me it was an art project and it taught me to do what you want to do. I’m never one to preach, but I felt really positive and really good about myself. I love the photos, I did it for me, I hope other people like them.

My back hurt for about a week after that shoot…I used muscles… [Goude] has an art of posing you and it was definitely not comfortable.”

Roll model (typo and it stays)? Art project? A hurt back? And muscles? Bitch’s husband really did install the Kanye app in the half-broken hard drive in her mannequin head.

Kim’s back hurt for a week after doing that nothing pose? Bitch got boned by Ray-J’s boomerang peen in a sex tape and that stupid pose hurt her back? Rusty ho. But then again, I’ve seen that sex tape and a comatose sloth moves more than she does in it.

And I didn’t know Adobe put out an industrial-strength version of Photoshop called Muscles

Pics: Splash

Well, That’s One Way To Guarantee Yourself A Second Vogue Cover

November 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Because Halloween is nothing if not a perfect opportunity to use your daughter as a prop in hopes of scoring brownie points with the fashion world, mother of the decade Kim Kardashian pulled her favorite fashion accessory out of the skunk costume she was originally wearing (skunks are so 5 minutes ago) and threw on a black satin throw pillow cover so that North West could be the André Leon Talley to her Anna Wintour. Kim’s partners in blatant kiss-assery are her makeup artist and her son, who look about as thrilled as North West to be dressed as Grace Coddington and Karl Lagerfeld. Not pictured: Kim’s current husband Kanye West, who was dressed as the most important fashion designer of all time, Kanye West.

Those poor babies – they want nothing to do with this mess! That Karl baby appears to be making a break for it (good for you, Baby Karl!), and you know North would do the same if it weren’t for Kim klutching on to her with that klassic Kardashian iron pimp grip. Even Kim’s friend appears to be going to her happy place. But Kim is living for that Anna Wintour costume, which is crazy because this has got to be the first Halloween in hooker history that she hasn’t worn something that shows off every inch of her silicone-stuffed ass.

Oh wait. It appears I spoke too soon.

Screen Shot 2014-11-01 at 1.43.28 PM

Of course Kim couldn’t go a whole Halloween without stuffing 30lbs of ass into 5lbs of spandex. Shortly after Kim got a good picture of herself dressed up as the editor-in-chief of VOGUE for Instagram, she handed North off to the nannies and got her Slutoween on by dressing up as a dead-eyed hooker skeleton. Only Kim could make a skeleton costume look skanky. But her costume does make total sense – Kim is famous for getting boned, after all.

Pics: Instagram

Jon Voight Thinks St. Angie Jolie Should Play Michele Bachmann In A Biopic

October 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Jon Voight is a major Michele Bachmann fanboy and he wishes Catholics believed in reincarnation, because in the next life he wants to be a corn dog so Michele Bachmann can wrap her lips around him. The Queen of the Tea Party’s reign of terror as a member of the US House of Representatives comes to an end this year and the Washington Post (via Jezebel) did a long ass piece on what’s next for her. They talked to Michele Bachmann’s close friend Jon Voight who slobbered out nothing but a stream of praise for her. Just like Marcus Bachmann’s ass at a tea party husbands only soiree, Michele Bachmann’s future is sky high, so says Jon Voight. Jon thinks that Michele is so interesting and amazing that Hollywood should make a movie about her life and he thinks the daughter who hates him so much that she didn’t tell him about her wedding should play Michele.

Actor and close friend Jon Voight said he’d talk to his friends at Fox News on her behalf. As far as he’s concerned, Bachmann is already a star. If there were ever to be a movie about her life, he said, his daughter Angelina Jolie would be great for the part. “Actually, that was not a wise thing for me to say, because her politics are not with Michele,” he said later. “I only wish they would be.”

And Jon Voight is supposed to be one of Michele Bachmann’s biggest fans?! Jon Voight doesn’t know shit and he should shut his mouth. He obviously doesn’t know Michele Bachmann, because St. Angie Jolie does not have what it takes to play her. Michele Bachmann has crazed eye globes that can burn a new hole into your body (“Why do you think I married her?” – Marcus Bachmann) and the edges of souls have caught on fire from the glares shooting out of her irises. If any kid of Jon Voight’s has what it takes to play Michele Bachmann, it’s James Haven:

jameshavenbachmann

I know, I just outed myself as Mimi’s in-home Photoshop expert thanks to that professional and perfect piece of work I threw up.

Bristol Palin Spits On The Media For Twisting “The Truth” About Her Family’s Drunken Brawl

October 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The Palin family’s drunken, messy, sloppy, snowmobile tussle is truly the trashy gift that keeps on giving.

The other day, audio came out of the Camo Duchess of Wasilla, Bristol Palin, crying out to the police after her family was involved in a booze-fueled fight at a snowmobile party in Anchorage. TMZ also posted pictures of Bristol’s LIFE-THREATENING (not at all) cuts and bruises. There’s been several versions of what happened. Some says that the Palins started it and others (read: The Mama Grizzly Gang) says that the Palins are the innocent victims in all of this. Bristol, a lifelong card carrying member of the victim club, farted out a blog post (via UsWeekly) about this SCANDAL and of course, she writes that her family is innocent and the “liberal media” is only dragging the story out because they’re conservatives. Bristol wonders if we even heard about Joe Biden’s coke-snorting son getting kicked out of the Navy for Lohan’ing it or the story about Chelsea Clinton’s fraudster father-in-law. Um, Bristol should take a tip from her mom and read ALL the papers, because those stories were covered.

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Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult  and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.

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