Because it’s been approximately 10 minutes since V. Stiviano has gotten any attention and her fame whore spot needed scratching, she filed papers today claiming that she never boned the racist hemorrhoid known as Donald Sterling, because he loves dick and she was his beard. Donald Sterling’s wife Shelly Sterling is suing V. Stiviano, because she says her husband gave that trollop fancy gifts like cars and a house and he was not authorized to do so. The lawsuit has been going on for a while, but TMZ says that today V. Stiviano decided to add a dose of fuckery to it by giving all of us the image of Donald Sterling’s eyes twinkling with sheer happiness as he fills his mouth with man ass. My prostate just fell out of my ass and I better go run after it before it finds a way to open my front door.
Stiviano states … she was “not ever a sexual partner of Donald T. Sterling” and “believes that [Sterling] is a homosexual and enjoys sexual acts and or sexual congress with males.”
In the legal doc, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Stiviano says Shelly was “acutely aware of [Donald's] sexual orientation and condoned same as well as acknowledged and approved [Donald's] gifts of money [to Stiviano].”
Stiviano also says the gifts she received were NOT community property — but rather Donald’s separate property.
V. Stiviano has thrown her own lawsuit at the Sterlings for slandering her pristine name by saying that she embezzled money from Donald. She wants at least $10 million.
I don’t know if V. Stiviano is a genius or a complete moron with cold farts for brains. I mean, Donald Sterling had a beard wife AND a beard side piece? A beard wife wasn’t good enough and he wanted to show the world that he’s a super hetero so he got a beard mistress too. That racist sack of burnt foreskins invented double down bearding. John Travolta is getting an ideas.
V. Stiviano is about as trustworthy as a Lohan, but maybe she’s not totally spitting out lies to get attention. He has been accused of doing this:
Donald Sterling would bring women into the locker room after games, while the players were showering, and make comments such as, ‘Look at those beautiful black bodies.’
NOOOOO! NOOO! We don’t want him! You straights take him. We’ll trade him for ANYONE. We’ll take Larry King, okay?
If you Googled “Kate Upton’s nipples,” you’d see Kate Upton’s nipples on a horse and Kate Upton’s nipples under a white, wet t-shirt. We’ve seen Kate Upton’s nipples and we’ve seen pretty much every piece of her body except for both pairs of her down low lips (which I’m sure look like a dwarf rose blooming in the sunlight). Even though Kate Upton has been 98% naked, she’ll never get 100% naked. Details asked Kate if she’d ever do an artistic nude photo shoot in a fashion magazine and she shook her head no, because she knows that shitty bloggers (Why is everyone looking at me like that?) and asshole whores on social media will pick her apart and Photoshop her naked body on an ad for Real California Milk.
For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.
If anybody knows anything about art, it’s Kate Upton. I watched The Other Woman the other day and Kate Upton had the charisma of an ingrown nipple hair and she made the driftwood in the beach scenes look like they were alive and full of emotions. It was so bad that it was performance art.
Yes, naked pictures live forever on the Internet, but so does saying that you will never pose naked. Doesn’t this trick know that you should never ever say never? Those words are going to come back to gnaw her ass cheeks off when her chichis are no longer the most magnificent tits on the stroll and she’ll have to try to get attention by posing with her nipples and cooch out in Playboy. Wait, I shouldn’t have said Playboy. Kate Upton’s body is a work of art and she only poses in the most artistic publications. I should’ve said Penthouse.
That Evil Sister, Sister-Hating Witch Charlize Theron Is Trying To Get Tia Mowry Banned From SoulCycle
Two weeks ago, we all learned a new disturbing fact about Charlize Theron: Bitch hates Sister, Sister!
One of the stars of Sister, Sister, Tia Mowry, bravely told esteemed American journal InTouch Weekly about the time that Charlize Theron treated her like piss jelly clinging to an expired urinal cake at SoulCycle. Tia said that she’s always been a huge fan of Charlize Theron and when she saw her at a spin class, she went up to her to say “hi.” Tia claims that Charlize rolled her eyes and said, “Oh God.” I’ve heard stories about Charlize Theron being a potent bitch wrapped in blonde hair, but I never wanted to believe it. But I guess there’s truth to it and sucking the rage juice out of Sean Penn’s dick has really brought the asshole out of her.
At the L.A. premiere of TMNT over the weekend, Tia told E! News that the whole story was blown out of proportion (translation: “Don’t sic your rabid dog on me, Charlize!“). Tia is over it and is done milking it for publicity, but apparently Charlize isn’t over it and is trying to get Tia kicked out of SoulCycle forever! To me, getting kicked out of SoulCycle is like getting kicked out of Hell. It’s a blessing. Someone saying, “You’ve been blacklisted from SoulCycle,” to me is like saying, “I care for you and care for the well-being of your legs and soul.” But to those rich Hollywood whores, SoulCycle is their life! They live and die by the cycle. Overpaying to ride a bike that doesn’t move gives them life. Getting banned from SoulCycle affects them the same way getting banned from an In-N-Out would affect me. Crazy-brained fucks.
So Tia getting banned from SoulCycle would be devastating to her and Charlize knows this. In a one hundred percent real story from Dish Nation (via ONTD), an “insider” at SoulCycle says that Charlize demanded that Tia be banned and when the managers refused, she threatened to take it to the top.
“Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen,” said an insider at SoulCycle.
“This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?” Theron said, according to employee.
Management said it would handle the situation, but a decision has yet to be made.
A NOBODY?! A NOBODY?! Let’s find out who the “nobody” is between Tia Mowry and Charlize Theron:
Charlize Theron has won an Oscar and has been nominated twice.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron’s movies have grossed hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron bought herself a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and has been on a thousand “Most Sexiest” lists.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Charlize Theron makes millions of dollars from endorsement deals.
Tia Mowry starred in a TV show with Jackée Harry.
Um, you don’t need to pull out a pad of paper and a tiny pencil to calculate the score. It’s obvious that Tia Mowry won this. Tia Mowry owns the
throne Theron. Charlize, please have a seat in the back row of the highest balcony.
And when asked for a response, the management at SoulCycle said, “Charlie who? Oh, you mean that Sister, Sister-hating nobody who is now taking spin classes at the 24 Hour Fitness in Panorama City?”
Here’s Tia “Bigger Than Charlize” Mowry at the TMNT premiere.
Warning: Whatever you do, do not stare directly into Kim Kartrashian’s kamel toe of doom. If you do, you’ll hear the sound of Pimp Mama Kris cackling mixed in with the sound of a million black peens wailing. That sound will keep you up at night and sleep will never be a friend of yours.
Seen above leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday while dressed like the least popular whore at a brothel that caters strictly to blind men, Kim Kardashian squatted and wet farted out a river of woe on Twitter today about how she hasn’t been able to lose any of the extra chunk she gained while knocked up with North West. Kim desperately wants to lose 20 pounds and my suggestion would be to open up the nozzle on the back of her head and release some air since she’s got at least 30 pounds of dry queefs in there.
Kim plans to go karb-free and she’s going to move into a gym. As Rob Kardashian drowned the pain of being related to those vain pieces of trash by sticking his head in a bowl of macaroni and cheese at Golden Corral, Kim shat up this motivational pile of bullshit.
off to an intense workout. Can’t seem to shake this last 15-20 lbs of baby weight. no more excuses. my baby is 1 years old! UGH
I’m not gonna call it baby weight bc thats an excuse. i just gained weight & that’s it. why is it so much harder to lose after baby though!!
do any of u moms see their bodies just not the same? a different shape? ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now! they were big to begin with!
Just need to get down to my weight a few years ago. Not gonna complain anymore. Starting diet TODAY! No carbs. crazy workouts. Whos with me?
i think after having a baby u get so excited u lost a lot of weight then u get comfortable & eat how you used & it creeps back up.
ok no more tweeting and procrastinating! LOL Glad some of u moms can relate. I’m reading the comments! For real….of to the gym!
wish me luck on the dieting…its soooo hard for me!
I’ve been writing about these trash heap fame whores for so long that I can fluently read Kardashian. Let me translate those tweets for you:
“off to an intense work out” = “Off to the in-house plastic surgery clinic in my mom’s basement where the doctors will attach a Dyson wet vac to the lipo hole on the side of my body and suck out the fat.”
“ughhhh my hips & butt are huge now!” = “My hips and fat ass need to be bigger so they can get even MORE attention. Must ask our in-house plastic surgeon to inject more insulation foam into my ass.”
“Starting diet TODAY!” = “Eating a QuickTrim amuse bouche before every meal from now on.”
“For real….of to the gym!” = “Must ask the maid to dust off those machines things in the gym so I can take a selfie in front of them.”
I know, the struggle Kummy Cakes goes through to lose 20 pounds is real.
When it was announced that Michael Bay was producing a reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, most of us who grew up with it in the 80s and 90s knew it was going to be an exploding turd, because a) Michael Bay and; b) Vanilla Ice was not involved! It really became clear that the TMNT reboot was going to be another CGI’d poop bubble out of Michael Bay’s ass when the trailer came out and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked more like the Geriatric Mutant Ninja Boogers. The Internet hated it from the beginning and during a press conference in L.A. last week, Megan Fox, Will Arnett and the director Jonathan Liebesman were asked about the backlash. Since Megan Fox has gone from calling Michael Bay “Hitler” to sucking on his taint, she was the first one to pipe in and defend the movie and Michael Bay. Megan Fox said that the haters will stay pay to see it and if they don’t like it, they can eat a fuck. via CinemaBlend.
“Let me tell you something about those people. How much money did Transformers 4 make? Exactly. Those people can complain – they all go to the theater. They’re gonna love it – and if they don’t love it, they can fuck off, and that’s the end of that.”
I know Megan Fox is the philosopher of our time and I should never question her, but what is she getting at?
Transformers 4 made $1.1 billion worldwide. Transformers 3 made $1 billion worldwide. Transformers 2 made $836 million worldwide and the first Transformers shit show made $709 million worldwide. Megan Fox was only in the first 2 Transformers movies. So is she trying to say that CGI explosion fests will make zillions of dollars no matter what or is she saying that movies make more money when she’s not in them? Is she trying to tell Michael Bay that if he wants TMNT 2 to make a shit load more money than the first one he should replace her? Brian Austin Green just handed Megan Fox a gigantic syringe full of fillers hoping that she’ll keep injecting her lips until they’re too fat to lift and she can’t talk. Because if she keeps saying shit like that, she’ll screw herself out of the TMNT sequel and then BAG will have to get a job!
Here’s the feline Real Doll and the smirking human Chick-O-Stick Will Arnett at yesterday’s L.A. premiere of TMNT.
If you’ve ever wanted to hear a silence like you’ve never heard before, gather the entire fashion industry together and ask them which one of them takes Kendall Jenner seriously as a model. You wouldn’t even hear crickets, because the crickets would find a way to shut their mouths up. They don’t want you to think they’re on Team Pimp Mama Kris.
Kendull Jenner wouldn’t be one of PMK’s spawns if liquid delusion didn’t run through her veins and feed her brain. Kendull is on the cover of Love Magazine and everyone knows that she only got that cover, because Kim Kartrashian wrapped her kooch around Ray-J’s macaroni-shaped dick in front of a camera a million years ago and Kanye West regularly sips tea with the fashion people. But Kendall tells Love (via The Cut) that being a member of a family of fame whores actually hurt her and she hard to work extra hard to be seen as a high-fashion model and the gigs didn’t just magically come to her. (Insert your “the gigs did just magically come to her right after Riccardo Tisci came on Kanye” jokes here.)
“I was like, ‘You know what? I want to be high fashion. I want to be taken seriously … People think that this [success] just came to me. But it didn’t. What I have has almost worked against me. I had to work even harder to get where I wanted because people didn’t take me seriously as a model. Because of the TV show. I went on castings and some people weren’t feeling me because of my name. But it was great when people didn’t recognize me. I was like, ‘Thank you. Please don’t recognize me.’”
Kendull might’ve gotten an F- in reading from Pimp Mama Kris’ Homeschool of Whoring, but she got an A+ in delusion and that’s all that matters.
Kendull really needs to give credit where is due. The only thing that worked hard to get her a Givenchy campaign was Kanye’s jaw on Riccardo Tisci. No, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that Kanye overworked his jaw while whining at Riccardo to put his sister-in-law in a Givenchy ad. Yeah, that’s what I meant….
Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb
Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.
"I believe that any violation of privacy is nothing good."~Lech Walesa. I would like to thank all the fucking media for invading our privacy
— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) July 24, 2014
Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.
My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.
Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.
The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.
And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!
Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!
Seen above the moment she realized that the bowl of laxatives she ate for breakfast kicked in a little too fast AGAIN, LeAnn Rimes says that she and Eddie Cibrian have had several talks with his kids, 11-year-old Mason and 7-year-old Jake, about how they’re both huge, disgusting, shameless skank slut tramps who broke their own homes with their bull dozing genitals. Eddie telling his kids about him being a cheating whore makes sense, because kids are curious shits. They’re always asking all kinds of questions like: Where does Santa live? What is above the sky? And, why does mom always call that creepy, half-naked lizard pony centaur thing you live with a “life-ruining cum dumpster skeezer“?
Eddie and LeAnn tell Life & Style that they’ve told Mason and Jake the truth and Mason and Jake totally understand:
“We’ve had discussions with them about the whole situation,” Eddie says in the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, of their honesty with Mason, 11, and Jake, 7, about their infidelity. “They understand more than you think they do,” LeAnn adds.
Uh huh, I’m really sure LeAnn laid the entire truth on them. Eddie and LeAnn probably sat Mason and Jake down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a multi-talented, devastatingly handsome, gold-hearted, loyal prince who was trapped in a marriage to a wretched, foul, evil, jealous, controlling drunk, fat praying mantis-like witch. The only way he could get out of his marriage is if the evil curse the witch cast on him was broken by true love’s kiss. One day, the prince met a naturally gorgeous, skinny young maiden with the voice of a million angels. The prince and the maiden fell in love and they kissed in a hotel room that the maiden rented for that very occasion. The spell was broken and the prince married the maiden, because she was way more gorgeous, way skinnier, looked better in a bikini and had way more Twitter followers than the nasty witch. The end!”
Here’s Eddie and Falkor scaring all living things with her facial expressions at Extra this morning
Kendra Wilkinson’s lips haven’t touched for more than 5 seconds in decades, but for the first time in the history of Kendra, her mouth has been firmly shut over the rumors that her husband Hank Baskett paid a transsexual model $500 to jack off with him. Hank and Kendra have both spit out zero words about this ESCANDALOSOness. If you’ve got a masters in Common Sense, you probably figured out early on that Kendra and Hank are keeping their words to themselves, because they plan to take a page out of Tori Spelling’s shameless fame whore guide by showing their marriage problems on their reality show to get more ratings. You were right! Who knew that a fame whorin’ fame whore who got famous from fame whorin’ would whore out her marriage for ratings? I know, it’s a strange world.
A source tells Life & Style that Kendra would rather not air the cum rag that Hank wiped his dick with after sexing himself next to a side piece, but she’s strapped for cash, so she has no choice but to talk about it in front of the cameras. So Kendra is going to cash in because she’s been forced to cash in and she needs the money in case they legally split up. Today’s eye roll fuel is brought to you by this:
“[Kendra’s] management team told her she needs the money and it could hurt her career if she isn’t truthful about what’s going on. Kendra feels like she has little choice but to cash in on what happened. Should they divorce, Kendra would be on the hook for taking care of him. That’s a huge concern for her. She’s really worried about going broke.”
If inside that plastic porpoise head of hers, Kendra really is afraid about her checking account flatlining like her brain did years ago, why would she flush a highly pawn-able ring down the toilet like it’s some common butt nugget? Maybe she wouldn’t be worried about going broke if Hank Baskettfullofbraindingles didn’t pay $500 for handjobs and negotiated with his side pieces a little. When his side pieces tell him that anal plus completion is going to cost him $80,000 and a kidney, that dumb ho probably shrugs and says okay before handing over his credit card and stabbing himself in the side.
This whole thing is probably a stunt, but if it isn’t, Kendra should give Hank’s transsexual side piece another $500 AND a handjob as a thank you for giving her season finale material.
“You Told Those Reporters You’re Not ‘Difficult’? Ahahahahaha! Oh, Heigl, You So Funn- Please don’t choke me.”
Last year, The Hollywood Reporter put out a piece about how human hangnail Katherine Heigl’s difficult ways and several sources who worked with her said that they’d rather get a job as Kim Kartrashian’s colonoscopist than work with Heigl again. (Being Kim Kartrashian’s colonoscopist is slightly less dangerous, involves less shit and you may find the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. Reward money!) Those sources said that if Katherine’s talent was as big as her ego, Meryl Streep would be asking her for private acting lessons. THR’s sources also said that Heigl’s momager Nancy is a monster and one of the main reasons for why nobody in Hollywood wants to work with her anymore. The article was the opposite of shocking since by then, everybody knew that working with Heigl was as pleasant as chewing a wad of foil and Heigl gnawing off the hand that fed her said everything. Katherine Phlegm Sound recently told Marie Claire UK that she thinks doing rom-com after rom-com is what put her career on life support and the interviewer didn’t shoot back with, “No, I’m pretty sure you being a mega bitch had something to do with that.” Nobody has asked Heigl about that THR article until yesterday at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills.
The HIGHLY successful television and motion picture actress was at the TCAs to talk about her new show on NBC State of Affairs, the toilet baby that Homeland and Scandal made together and tried to forget. According to Entertainment Weekly, one reporter asked Heigl if she thinks the stories of her and her mother being a difficult assholes and publicly “speaking her mind” had anything to do with her career being “out of control.” For the first time in the history of everything, Heigl was speechless for a second. State of Affairs’ producer Ed Bernero tried to jump in and answer the question, but the reporter, who was obviously from Not The One Times, wanted an answer from Heigl. So while making a mental note to shank that reporter when they meet in Hell, she answered it:
“I don’t know that I said I felt my career was not under my control. I think I said I felt I had stopped challenging myself and I was making choices that I loved, that I was excited about. I loved doing romantic comedies, I loved doing them and I loved watching them, but I stopped … exercising different muscles of my ability. And in that moment, I felt that I was sort of letting down my audience, that I wasn’t challenging them either.
I think that this opportunity is — and I think a lot of people want to know why this show, why come back to television — it’s because it’s an extraordinary role, it’s an extraordinary opportunity, and an extraordinary story, and it’s an opportunity for me to flex some different muscles and show a different side of myself as an actor and a performer and a storyteller that I hope my audience will be excited about and love.
I can only say that I certainly don’t see myself as being difficult. I would never intend to be difficult. I don’t think my mother sees herself as being difficult. We always … I think it’s important to everybody to conduct themselves professionally and respectfully and kindly. If I’ve ever disappointed somebody, it was never intentional.”
Heigl’s momager Nancy is an executive producer on State of Affairs and when another reporter asked her what her mom does on the show, she said, ”She bakes us cookies.” (Cut to crew members reluctantly taking a cookie from Nancy and chewing it until they can spit out when she walks away, because they know the secret ingredient in her cookies is probably rat poison or Heigl shit.)
A crazy bitch is always going to deny being a crazy bitch. A crackhead is always going to deny being a crackhead. A serial killer usually pleads not guilty. So what is Katherine going to say? Is she going to admit that she’s the sole reason for why every member of her show’s crew spends their lunch hour crying in a bathroom stall while snorting Valium? (There’s a lot of bathroom stalls on that set.) A difficult bitch is always going to deny being a difficult bitch. I, for one, am easy-going and down-to-earth and working with me is like working with a carefree spring daisy blowing in the wind. (Right, Allison, RIGHT, Allison.)