Category: Girlfriend Please

Stormy Daniels Was Arrested At An Ohio Strip Club For Allegedly Letting An Undercover Cop Motorboat Her (UPDATE) 

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

UPDATE: All the charges against Stormy have been dropped, because the Ohio law is only meant for regular strip club strippers. Stormy was a featured guest dancer. The judge already threw the charges out, and that’s that. Poor “Deric Dump” (see my “joke” below) had to bruise his one brain cell by trying to figure out how to call the cops in Columbus for nothing! The cops also claim that they weren’t targeting Stormy. They were there to look into complaints of drugs and hooking.

Here’s the original story:

The shit Stormy Daniels was put into handcuffs for may have been stupid and a complete waste of everyone’s time, but at least she brought it in her mug shot, and gave that camera heaping servings of beauty, glamour, and intrigue with that yellow-haired Jaqueline Smith Charlie’s Angels seasons 1 hair and those smoky vengeance eyes. Stormy really needs to do a YouTube beauty tutorial showing us how to paint your face up so it remains stunning even under the harsh beauty-hating lighting of a police station.

CNN says that Stormy Daniels, the porn star and one-time fuck partner of Donald Trump (as in, they only fucked once) who is suing him for defamation, was arrested late last night at Sirens strip club in Columbus, OH for letting a customer touch her. The customer happened to be an undercover cop named Officer Mary Prather. Stormy is accused of touching Officer Mary’s ass and breasts before motorboating her. Ohio law states that a stripper who gets naked or semi-naked can only touch a customer if they’re related to that customer. Jabba the Trump is definitely cackling over one of his many rivals getting arrested, but he’s also making a mental note that if for some reason Ivanka has to become a stripper, she needs to do so in Ohio.

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Gigi Hadid Sometimes Feel Guilty For Her Privileged Start In Life

June 19, 2018 / Posted by:

While some models take any catalog job they can get so they don’t have to move back to their hometown to pick up shifts at the local Sbarro to make ends meet, the current “bitches of the moment” (copyright: Stephanie Seymour) like Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid are currently slumming it in their NYC penthouses since they grew up in California castles. Gigi says she recognizes her lofty lifestyle, and admits she’s felt privilege-shame before.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones Is Tired Of Feeling Guilty For Being Gorgeous And Rich! 

June 15, 2018 / Posted by:

Us homely-faced poors needs to stop feeling bad about not being stunning in the mug and having to put items back at the Target cash wrap area because our card got declined. There’s someone out there who has it much, much worse. Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones has had to go through life apologizing for taking breaths away with her beauty and causing temporarily blindness with the sparkle rays shooting off of her rich lady diamonds. But the days of having to be faux humble about her stunning looks and overflowing bank account are behind her. CZJ is keeping Stephanie Yellowhair’s legacy alive by saying, “Excuse my beauty…. and diamonds!

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Roseanne Barr Begged ABC Not To Dump Her Show, And There’s A Chance They’ll Bring It Back Without Her 

June 1, 2018 / Posted by:

It took Mickey Mouse approximately forty-five seconds to gather one of his biggest cash cows, the Roseanne revival, and shoot it out back after Roseanne Barr earned a place as KKK Monthly’s Person of the Year by comparing Valerie Jarrett to an ape. Even though Roseanne could’ve brought in $65 million in ad sales for its second season, ABC canceled it after one of its producers Wanda Sykes washed her hands of it and several cast members clutched their pearls while cooing, “I do declare, I am disgusted that Roseanne tweeted the kind of tweet she’s tweeted many times over the years!” Roseanne tweeted yesterday that she begged ABC to keep the show, and now TMZ is saying that ABC may keep the show but it’ll be Roseanne without Roseanne. So, NOseanne, I guess.

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Blame It On The Ambien: The Roseanne Barr Edition

May 30, 2018 / Posted by:

Sanofi-Aventis, the makers of Ambien, really need to update the side effects lingo in all their ads and commercials to read: Side effects may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness, headache, sleep walking, eating or driving while not fully awake, memory loss, confusion, hallucinations, and making racist tweets about former presidential advisers.

After colossal Twitter mess Roseanne Barr twatted up an apology for calling former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett the baby of the “muslim brotherhood” and “planet of the apes,” she declared that she was leaving Twitter. But as anyone who has followed Roseanne knows, when she says that she’s leaving Twitter, what she really means is that she’s not leaving Twitter and just needs to recharge so she’ll be fully powered to spit out more foolery. Roseanne was back on Twitter a quick second after quitting, and went after the co-stars of her now-dead show for throwing her under the bus, said that she thought Valerie Jarrett is “saudi” and “Jewish,” and said she was on Ambien at the time of her racist tweet. QUICK, Lunesta Moth, now is your time to shine, flutter around and let everyone know that Lunesta doesn’t make people racist.

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Blake Shelton Says That His Obvious Tweet About Miranda Lambert Isn’t Necessarily About Her 

May 1, 2018 / Posted by:

Right after the rumors came out that Miranda Lambert once again boned the wedding ring off of a married man, her ex-husband Blake Shelton decided he needed some attention and tweeted something about karma. The “high road” that Blake Shelton has been taking must be called Petty Bitch Blvd.

That tweet was obviously about Miranda since while she was married to Blake, her crotch biscuit supposedly collected more side items than what’s on a Popeye’s menu (and his dick supposedly wandered into plenty of side snatches). But Blake talked about that tweet with both Extra and Entertainment Tonight, and says that people can think whatever they want and he doesn’t have time to worry about it. Yes, and he proved he doesn’t have time to worry about that tweet by talking about that tweet with anyone who put a mic in front of his talk hole.

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