Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb
Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.
"I believe that any violation of privacy is nothing good."~Lech Walesa. I would like to thank all the fucking media for invading our privacy
— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) July 24, 2014
Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.
My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.
Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.
The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.
And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!
Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!
Seen above the moment she realized that the bowl of laxatives she ate for breakfast kicked in a little too fast AGAIN, LeAnn Rimes says that she and Eddie Cibrian have had several talks with his kids, 11-year-old Mason and 7-year-old Jake, about how they’re both huge, disgusting, shameless skank slut tramps who broke their own homes with their bull dozing genitals. Eddie telling his kids about him being a cheating whore makes sense, because kids are curious shits. They’re always asking all kinds of questions like: Where does Santa live? What is above the sky? And, why does mom always call that creepy, half-naked lizard pony centaur thing you live with a “life-ruining cum dumpster skeezer“?
Eddie and LeAnn tell Life & Style that they’ve told Mason and Jake the truth and Mason and Jake totally understand:
“We’ve had discussions with them about the whole situation,” Eddie says in the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, of their honesty with Mason, 11, and Jake, 7, about their infidelity. “They understand more than you think they do,” LeAnn adds.
Uh huh, I’m really sure LeAnn laid the entire truth on them. Eddie and LeAnn probably sat Mason and Jake down and said, “Once upon a time, there was a multi-talented, devastatingly handsome, gold-hearted, loyal prince who was trapped in a marriage to a wretched, foul, evil, jealous, controlling drunk, fat praying mantis-like witch. The only way he could get out of his marriage is if the evil curse the witch cast on him was broken by true love’s kiss. One day, the prince met a naturally gorgeous, skinny young maiden with the voice of a million angels. The prince and the maiden fell in love and they kissed in a hotel room that the maiden rented for that very occasion. The spell was broken and the prince married the maiden, because she was way more gorgeous, way skinnier, looked better in a bikini and had way more Twitter followers than the nasty witch. The end!”
Here’s Eddie and Falkor scaring all living things with her facial expressions at Extra this morning
Kendra Wilkinson’s lips haven’t touched for more than 5 seconds in decades, but for the first time in the history of Kendra, her mouth has been firmly shut over the rumors that her husband Hank Baskett paid a transsexual model $500 to jack off with him. Hank and Kendra have both spit out zero words about this ESCANDALOSOness. If you’ve got a masters in Common Sense, you probably figured out early on that Kendra and Hank are keeping their words to themselves, because they plan to take a page out of Tori Spelling’s shameless fame whore guide by showing their marriage problems on their reality show to get more ratings. You were right! Who knew that a fame whorin’ fame whore who got famous from fame whorin’ would whore out her marriage for ratings? I know, it’s a strange world.
A source tells Life & Style that Kendra would rather not air the cum rag that Hank wiped his dick with after sexing himself next to a side piece, but she’s strapped for cash, so she has no choice but to talk about it in front of the cameras. So Kendra is going to cash in because she’s been forced to cash in and she needs the money in case they legally split up. Today’s eye roll fuel is brought to you by this:
“[Kendra’s] management team told her she needs the money and it could hurt her career if she isn’t truthful about what’s going on. Kendra feels like she has little choice but to cash in on what happened. Should they divorce, Kendra would be on the hook for taking care of him. That’s a huge concern for her. She’s really worried about going broke.”
If inside that plastic porpoise head of hers, Kendra really is afraid about her checking account flatlining like her brain did years ago, why would she flush a highly pawn-able ring down the toilet like it’s some common butt nugget? Maybe she wouldn’t be worried about going broke if Hank Baskettfullofbraindingles didn’t pay $500 for handjobs and negotiated with his side pieces a little. When his side pieces tell him that anal plus completion is going to cost him $80,000 and a kidney, that dumb ho probably shrugs and says okay before handing over his credit card and stabbing himself in the side.
This whole thing is probably a stunt, but if it isn’t, Kendra should give Hank’s transsexual side piece another $500 AND a handjob as a thank you for giving her season finale material.
“You Told Those Reporters You’re Not ‘Difficult’? Ahahahahaha! Oh, Heigl, You So Funn- Please don’t choke me.”
Last year, The Hollywood Reporter put out a piece about how human hangnail Katherine Heigl’s difficult ways and several sources who worked with her said that they’d rather get a job as Kim Kartrashian’s colonoscopist than work with Heigl again. (Being Kim Kartrashian’s colonoscopist is slightly less dangerous, involves less shit and you may find the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. Reward money!) Those sources said that if Katherine’s talent was as big as her ego, Meryl Streep would be asking her for private acting lessons. THR’s sources also said that Heigl’s momager Nancy is a monster and one of the main reasons for why nobody in Hollywood wants to work with her anymore. The article was the opposite of shocking since by then, everybody knew that working with Heigl was as pleasant as chewing a wad of foil and Heigl gnawing off the hand that fed her said everything. Katherine Phlegm Sound recently told Marie Claire UK that she thinks doing rom-com after rom-com is what put her career on life support and the interviewer didn’t shoot back with, “No, I’m pretty sure you being a mega bitch had something to do with that.” Nobody has asked Heigl about that THR article until yesterday at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills.
The HIGHLY successful television and motion picture actress was at the TCAs to talk about her new show on NBC State of Affairs, the toilet baby that Homeland and Scandal made together and tried to forget. According to Entertainment Weekly, one reporter asked Heigl if she thinks the stories of her and her mother being a difficult assholes and publicly “speaking her mind” had anything to do with her career being “out of control.” For the first time in the history of everything, Heigl was speechless for a second. State of Affairs’ producer Ed Bernero tried to jump in and answer the question, but the reporter, who was obviously from Not The One Times, wanted an answer from Heigl. So while making a mental note to shank that reporter when they meet in Hell, she answered it:
“I don’t know that I said I felt my career was not under my control. I think I said I felt I had stopped challenging myself and I was making choices that I loved, that I was excited about. I loved doing romantic comedies, I loved doing them and I loved watching them, but I stopped … exercising different muscles of my ability. And in that moment, I felt that I was sort of letting down my audience, that I wasn’t challenging them either.
I think that this opportunity is — and I think a lot of people want to know why this show, why come back to television — it’s because it’s an extraordinary role, it’s an extraordinary opportunity, and an extraordinary story, and it’s an opportunity for me to flex some different muscles and show a different side of myself as an actor and a performer and a storyteller that I hope my audience will be excited about and love.
I can only say that I certainly don’t see myself as being difficult. I would never intend to be difficult. I don’t think my mother sees herself as being difficult. We always … I think it’s important to everybody to conduct themselves professionally and respectfully and kindly. If I’ve ever disappointed somebody, it was never intentional.”
Heigl’s momager Nancy is an executive producer on State of Affairs and when another reporter asked her what her mom does on the show, she said, ”She bakes us cookies.” (Cut to crew members reluctantly taking a cookie from Nancy and chewing it until they can spit out when she walks away, because they know the secret ingredient in her cookies is probably rat poison or Heigl shit.)
A crazy bitch is always going to deny being a crazy bitch. A crackhead is always going to deny being a crackhead. A serial killer usually pleads not guilty. So what is Katherine going to say? Is she going to admit that she’s the sole reason for why every member of her show’s crew spends their lunch hour crying in a bathroom stall while snorting Valium? (There’s a lot of bathroom stalls on that set.) A difficult bitch is always going to deny being a difficult bitch. I, for one, am easy-going and down-to-earth and working with me is like working with a carefree spring daisy blowing in the wind. (Right, Allison, RIGHT, Allison.)
Noted lying enthusiast Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly in the position to be writing checks her ass can’t cash (literally, bitch is the human definition of non-sufficient funds) and yet she’s gone ahead and made the bold claim to BBC News that she won’t miss a single rehearsal or performance of the London revival of Speed-the-Plow. You hear that, Speed-the-Plow producers? Go ahead and return the mangy orange tabby you adopted from the SPCA, because the Apricot Ashtray don’t need no understudy!
But asked if she would be penalised for missing shows or rehearsals in London, she told the BBC: “That’s not going to happen.”
“That’s not on the cards. It’s not. I’m at a place in my life where I like the commitment. I’m looking forward to that part of it.”
The only thing LiLo likes more than bailing on responsibilities is swindling people out of cash, so I have no doubt that crafty ashtray will find a way to get her freckled ass to work. Every day at 4pm, her assistant will call 1-800-GOT-JUNK and tell them that a 120lb pile of orange trash needs to be removed from Lindsay’s hotel room and taken to The Playhouse theatre. Then a group of London rats will carry a passed-out LiLo into her dressing room, where she’ll wait for the director to find her with a note pinned to her shirt that reads: “I’m here! Pay up, bitches.” Remember, she didn’t promise she’d do a good job, just that she wasn’t going to miss a show. That sneaky loophole-finding LiLo.
Lindsay also warned BBC News that she is planning on moving to London because people see her as a ~serious~ actress there:
“For a long time, people looked at me as kind of a celebrity, which is something I never wanted. That’s not what I got into this industry for…People kind of forgot that, and I think now is a good time. And what better than to do it with the great people that I’m working with on stage in London…so that people can focus on the fact that I’m in this industry because I’m an actress and an artist and not just someone you take photos of?”
Yeah right. She’s probably moving to London because she saw an episode of Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings and wants to find out where she can get her hands on the super-powerful shit that lets him talk to pictures.
Here’s more of LiLo in London having brunch (aka breakfast cocktails) with her friends on Saturday morning. Damn, even when she cleans up, she still looks rough. I feel like Oliver and the rest of his Dickensian street urchin pals would be like “Oh shit, you touched LiLo? Go wash your hands.”
That crime scene tape really ties together the whole “middle-aged parking lot hooker found passed out in a Porta-Potty at a NASCAR race” look.
Lindsay Lohan turns 28 today, which means she isn’t getting a membership card to The 27 Club, which means she’ll live forever. When we’re all on our death beds, the nurse next to us will be flipping through her iHologramTablet and say to us, “It’s Lindsay Lohan Sheen Richardson Franco’s 94th birthday today and the judge dismissed the charges she got for killing a bunch of toddlers to sell their tiny organs on the black market for jenkem money.” (Yes, jenkem will be making a comeback in 66 years). LiLo will outlive us all! LiLo is a cracked out vampire and coke is her human blood. Since LiLo’s going to need more quick cash to buy more of her life elixir, she has officially filed one of the most ridiculous lawsuits of all-time.
Last December, LiLo’s lawyers (read: White Oprah who traded legal advice for sloppy handjobs with a janitor at LegalZoom) threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for basing a character on her without paying up. It took them 6 months, but they finally filed that lawsuit in a Manhattan court today. LiLo’s lawyers claim that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total copy + paste job, and now I really want to play Grand Theft Auto V, because I really way to play challenges where I get to hit tricks in the head with a vodka bottle at the club and suck off hoteliers for 8-balls and fashion show tickets. That sounds fun! Here’s the details from that mess of a lawsuit via Yahoo:
Lohan’s suit says a character named Lacey Jonas is an “unequivocal” reference to the “Mean Girls” and “Freaky Friday” star.
The suit says Lohan’s image, voice and styles from her clothing line are depicted. It says the game features West Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once lived.
The character also seeks help skirting paparazzi.
So the character is a fame whore who gets followed by the paparazzi and lives at a hotel in West Hollywood? That description is what you would get if you shoved Parasite Hilton, Brit Brit, Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan and every other mess into a Vitamix and turned it on. LiLo should immediately fire White Oprah and that LegalZoom janitor as her lawyers, because they don’t know what they’re doing. What they should’ve done is accused Rockstar of using LiLo’s likeness for the character of Trevor:
The likeness is undeniable. The case would’ve been wrapped up in a second. The court would’ve awarded LiLo complete control of Rockstar, she would’ve changed the name to CrackRocksStar before running the company into the ground and snorting up its ashes. What could’ve been…
Here’s LiLo giving you lot lizard chic in NYC today.
Seen above with her face Photoshopped into “Harpo, who dis woman…or slightly effeminate young Dutch boy?” territory, Katherine Heigl is keeping the meaning of “delusional as fuck” alive in August’s issue of Marie Claire UK (via The Daily Mail). The crusted-over phlegm ball that Hollywood coughed up a while ago doesn’t think her career plunged into the sewer, because working with her is like trying to have butt sex with a flaccid peen that refuses to get hard. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, it’s sometimes painful and it’s really not worth all the trouble. But in Katherine’s head, where delusion eats all truths, she thinks that she’s the one who pressed the pause button on her career and she decided to take time off, because she didn’t feel creatively challenged anymore. “Creatively challenged” is a really creative way of saying “Hollywood would rather tongue kiss a shark than work with my monster of a mother and me.” The only challenge Heigl has is not trying to be a complete and utter mega bitch.
The discount Goopy dribbled out some dumb shit about how her career was her “best friend” and she felt betrayed by it when it went out the exit door.
“The thing that was my best friend for a long time suddenly turned on me. And I didn’t expect it. I was taken by surprise and angry at it for betraying me.”a
“Eh, no, I’m pretty sure I’m the one that betrayed you” said Heigl’s sore-covered, throbbing, oozing ego.
After the entire cast and crew of Grey’s Anatomy popped champagne and joyously fapped together over the bitch of the set being gone, she did rom-com after rom-com and tells Marie Claire that maybe she should’ve said “no” more.
“I had an amazing time. I love romantic comedies. But maybe I hit it a little too hard. I couldn’t say no. I stopped challenging myself. It became a bit by rote and, as a creative person, that can wear you down. That was part of why I took that time off, to ask myself, ‘What do I want? What am I looking for?’ and shut down all the noise.’
Oh yeah, I had a moment where, I don’t know, I was thinking I’d maybe open a knitting store, get my money out of retirement accounts and live off that, live off the land. I had my moment where it all seemed so complicated and all I wanted to do was simplify.’”
Heigl is back now with that Scandal knock-off show for NBC and she says that she’s so happy to get back into the writer’s room, because she’s not only a creative genius, she’s also a TV writing genius.
“There’s a part of me that’s a Hollywood animal as well. I can’t wait to get into the writer’s room and see how we do this. I feel like I’m finally rolling into the next phase of my adulthood.”
“I wish the next phase of her adulthood was at the bottom of a volcano” said the writers who have to deal with her when she comes into the writer’s room to share her ~ideas~.
No, we should all be glad that Katherine Heigl is done with those stupid rom-coms she made millions doing and is finally doing projects that challenge her, like the artistically challenging ZzzQuil commercial she did (yes, I’m posting this again):
That comment was not served in a sarcasm gel cap, because that ZzzQuil commercial is one of the most artistic things she’s ever done and it’s also the most challenging. I mean, words don’t come out of her asshole mouth for a whole 16 seconds. That has to be a first.
And here comes the Ahs Sowwy Express with Gary Oldman waving from the caboose.
The Anti-Defamation League was not happy with Gary Oldman for the stuff he said about Jews and Mel Gibson during his long, angry, messy, rambling rant to Playboy. Gary said that pus-filled ass pimple Mel Gibson got shunned by Hollywood for that crap he said about Jews during his arrest, because Jews run Hollywood. Gary also said that he wishes he could mold political correctness into a bunch of dildos and shove them up the asses of all the PC whores out there. The Anti-Defamation League issued a statement saying that Gary’s claim that the Jews rule Hollywood ”is an anti-Semitic stereotype based on the ‘Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion.’ the 19th Century anti-Semitic forgery that suggested Jews conspire to control major industries such as banking and finance.” Gary Oldman (aka Gary Oldman’s people) heard the ADL’s statement and responded with this weird apology he gave to Deadline:
Dear Gentlemen of the ADL:
I am deeply remorseful that comments I recently made in the Playboy Interview were offensive to many Jewish people. Upon reading my comments in print—I see how insensitive they may be, and how they may indeed contribute to the furtherance of a false stereotype. Anything that contributes to this stereotype is unacceptable, including my own words on the matter. If, during the interview, I had been asked to elaborate on this point I would have pointed out that I had just finished reading Neal Gabler’s superb book about the Jews and Hollywood, An Empire of Their Own: How the Jews invented Hollywood. The fact is that our business, and my own career specifically, owes an enormous debt to that contribution.
I hope you will know that this apology is heartfelt, genuine, and that I have an enormous personal affinity for the Jewish people in general, and those specifically in my life. The Jewish People, persecuted thorough the ages, are the first to hear God’s voice, and surely are the chosen people.
I would like to sign off with “Shalom Aleichem”—but under the circumstances, perhaps today I lose the right to use that phrase, so I will wish you all peace–Gary Oldman.
So, Gary farts out a rant about how it’s ridiculous that assholes like Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin are forced to apologize for racist shit they’ve said since everyone says racist shit, and now he’s apologizing for saying racist shit he said? Siriusly, Sirius? I know, I should apologize for that pun.
And the TL;DR version of Oldman’s statement is: “I hate you fucking cunt bag slag bitch whores for making me say this PC trash apology I don’t mean!”
Kanye West And Kim Kartrashian Spent 4 Days Photoshopping This Picture From Their Pre-Divorce Ceremony
We all know that Annie Leibovitz is just a little, old humble photographer who only shoots regular people like Mick Jagger, John Lennon, Meryl Streep, St. Angie Jolie, Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman. Annie Leibovitz never shoots famous hos and by that I mean she ONLY shoots famous hos and she’s made millions upon millions of dollars shooting celebrities. If you ain’t famous, bitch is not pulling out her camera for you. That is why I am bowing at Annie’s feet for the hilarious and bullshit excuse she gave Kanye West for why she pulled out of shooting his wedding 4 days before the ceremony. Annie told Kanye that she was “scared of the idea of celebrity.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Priceless! That’s like Terry Richardson saying that he doesn’t want to shoot Bryan Singer, because he’s not comfortable shooting a predator who preys on youngins. I think what Annie Leibovitz meant to say is, “If I wanted to shoot trash for a check, I’d book an ad campaign with Waste Management.”
During a panel at Cannes Lions (whatever that is) today, Kanye Kardashian said that even though Annie didn’t want to shoot the union between Lucifer’s minion and the Illuminati joker, he still wanted that Annie Leibovitz look. So before they released that picture of them kissing in front of the Gates of Hell, they spent 4 hours Photoshopping it. via The Daily Mail:
“I’ll tell you a little story about the kiss photo that my girl put up. This was pissing my girl off during the honeymoon. She was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out right before the wedding. I think that she was, like, scared of the idea of celebrity.
Because Annie pulled out, I was like, ‘Okay, I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz,’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for, like, four days because the flowers were off-color. Can you imagine telling someone who wants to just Instagram a photo, who’s the No. 1 person on Instagram, ‘We need to work on the color of the flower wall,’ or the idea that it’s a Givenchy dress, and it’s not about the name Givenchy, it’s about the talent that is Riccardo Tisci — and how important Kim is to the Internet. And the fact the No. 1 most-liked photo [on Instagram] has a kind of aesthetic was a win for what the mission is, which is raising the palette.”
So during the first four days of their honeymoon, Kanye ranted at his graphic artist about the color of the flowers while Kim blankly stared at the mirror and Riccardo Tisci cooed from the bedroom, “Hurry, boo, I want to cuddle.” That makes sense. During those 4 days of Photoshopping that shit, I wonder how many times Kanye asked his graphic artist to paste his head over Kim’s face, just to see. For aesthetics! And 4 days of Photoshop work and that wall still looks like moldy cauliflower covered in dead maggots, foam from a rabid dog’s mouth and giant dried jizz balls. He should’ve spent more time Photoshopping some life into that kiss. Spending 4 days of your honeymoon getting a wedding picture Instagram-ready says all that needs to be said.
And here’s THE INTERNET looking demure and modest as always while trying to figure out how a stroller works in NYC yesterday.
TLC got served a giant plate of Twitter shade from RiRi last week when T-Boz said during an interview with Australian morning show Sunrise that sex is very easy to sell and she’s sick of seeing pop stars with their “booby cakes” hanging out all the time. Sunrise claims that T-Boz was talking about RiRi and RiRi’s nipples, which has made an appearance on your eyeballs more than your own nipples have. RiRi slapped back at TLC by changing her Twatter background to a picture of T-Boz covering her booby cakes with a hand bra. Well, T-Boz has jumped on her Big Wheels and is back pedaling now. T-Boz said on Twatter that she wasn’t even talking about RiRi’s alien nipples and those media bitches made it all up to start something. What I learned while reading T-Boz’s Twatter is that T-Boz types and spells like a 12-year-old whose got a serious case of arthritis of the fingers and just huffed all the freon out of an air conditioning unit. What I’m trying to say is that T-Boz tweets like Justin Bieber.
Last time I checked I didn’t say no bodies name the interview lady did shit I’m out of the country lol I didn’t even see pics
how did I get dragged in2 talkin about some1 I like I don’t care what my opinion is I’m gonna say what I want at least get what I say right
Lol I swear when some of their mamas whipped after sex apart of the sperm must of got whipped cuz their not whole y’all can catch bricks
See & this why it’s terrible 2 be a follower lol ya hear the wrong thing & they run with it & don’t even know wtf their talking about smh
Looks like folks need 2 research I didn’t see a show or pics I’m in Australia if 1 person says something they run with it not knowing smh
“I’m out of the country and didn’t even see the pics” is a really good excuse. Because we all know that Australia is practically Antarctica and they’ve got no WiFi and barely any electricity. Bitch, please. Those pictures were broadcast everywhere including on the side of the Sydney Opera House. Everyone has seen RiRi’s nipples and that’s exactly what T-Boz was talking about. T-Boz is probably backtracking, because she’s sick of her eyes crossing while reading crazy, incoherent, hate-filled tweets that RiRi’s rabid navy sends her and when T-Boz thinks your spelling and typing is shit…
Here’s a covered up RiRi (MARK THIS DAY) at the Spike TV Awards yesterday accepting some antler trophy from Kevin Hart who can easily have an eye-to-eye conversation with her nipples.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty