Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and former host of one of my favorite HGTV shows Designers’ Challenge, probably watches UnREAL on Lifetime like I do. But unlike me, Chris probably hate watches it and he hates it so much that he pulls out his pubes and throws it at the TV screen while screaming a layer of his tonsil skin off. If you don’t know what UnREAL is, it’s a parody of The Bachelor and shows all the behind-the-scenes fakeness that goes on during the making of a trashy reality dating show. 8 million pairs of eyeballs watch The Bachelor and UnREAL gets about 1/10th of that, but it still got renewed for a second season. Chris hates it, though. I mean, he really, really hates it. He said this to Variety about it:
“The main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch The Bachelor. It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”
Chris doesn’t mind when a show like Saturday Night Live spoofs The Bachelor, because they’re “validating” the show’s “cultural impact.” This bitch is really loving the smell of his own farts.
“You only do that when you are part of the vernacular. If not, you can’t make a joke. It’s a sign of respect. The way that UnREAL took it, it wasn’t a sign of respect. They were trying to take it another direction, but it doesn’t work that way.”
Chris does have a point. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are high-quality, authentic documentaries about white love and they’re not at all scripted or edited. I’m sure that couple who got engaged on The Bachelorette last night, Kaitlyn the Trollop and Sexy Alf (copyright: Michelle Collins), won’t break up when their media tour is over and they’re no longer getting calls to co-host a pool party at a Las Vegas hotel together. I’m sure they’ll get married and I’m sure their granddaughter will be on season 70 of The Bachelorette, because that’s how long that important show will last and that’s how long their love will last. UnREAL needs to respect The Bachelor shows for being the cultural jewels that they are!
And I so want to watch UnREAL with Chris Harrison. I have always suspected that he’s a robot, so I want to see his hard drive malfunction as he watches that shit.
While Nicki Minaj explained on Instagram that the shit she said about the MTV VMA nominations wasn’t about Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry tried to slap down Tay with a tweet that read like it was written by a drunk spambot with untreated Dyslexia, Ed Sheeran came to the defense of the singing prairie scarecrow.
Ed, who I guess is the reverse Anybodys of Tay Tay’s all-girl gang, tells Australia’s The Daily Telegraph that Taylor is not in the wrong at all and Nicki doesn’t know what she’s talking about since Beyonce, who is not built like a tetherball pole, was nominated for Video of the Year. Here’s Ed trying to get enough gold stars from Tay to move up ranks in her squad:
“I think everyone knows that Taylor has done nothing wrong in that situation. She didn’t nominate herself for the awards. It’s not her fault, she just made some good videos and people think they’re good. And I think the Minaj point is a bit redundant, her point is that you have to be skinny and white to get a video of the year nomination but Beyonce’s 7/11 is in there and that is celebrating the female figure in every form.”
BUT WAIT! Ed tweeted to Buzzfeed UK that what The Daily Telegraph posted is not really what he meant.
“That’s taken out of context and not what I was saying was redundant at all. I was making a point about body image and not race, whilst sticking up for a mate, I definitely said it wrong though, apologies.”
I took Ed’s first statement as: “Listen, I want her to fuck me one day, so I’m just going to back her up no matter what.” I took Ed’s second statement as: “Shit, they’re turning on me now. ABORT! ABORT!”
But I still expect the other members of Tay Tay’s mob to jump into the ring for her ass. Lena Dunham will write an 8,000 word think piece where she’ll only talk about the Nicki and Taylor thing for a couple of paragraphs before going on and on about the time she fucked herself with a remote control while watching Hoobastank perform at the ’04 VMAs. Jaime King will prove her allegiance to Taylor by naming her son Nick E. Ismeen. And Lourde won’t do anything public. She’ll just cast a black magic spell against Nicki and Katy in her lair in a Hot Topic storage room.
UPDATE: Taylor tweeted an apology to Nicki today. I guess she finally let someone in her PR team take over:
I thought I was being called out. I missed the point, I misunderstood, then misspoke. I'm sorry, Nicki. @NICKIMINAJ
— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) July 23, 2015
Aaaaand Nicki forgave her:
That means so much Taylor, thank you. @taylorswift13 ❤️❤️❤️
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
But right after Nicki hugged Taylor, she went over to Katy and hugged her while whispering the words, “I hate that bitch too,” in her ear.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) July 23, 2015
And today in “THIS BITCH,” Bill Cosby’s lawyers filed papers yesterday to block further release of the deposition where he admitted to buying Quaaludes to give to women for “sex” and made us all wet heave up our internal organs by bragging about all the “seduction techniques” he used on the young women he wanted to get with. The deposition Bill threw up was part of the lawsuit filed against him by Andrea Constand who accused him of drugging and assaulting her in early 2004. The case ended with a settlement. Bill’s lawyers are now crying that because his deposition was given to the media, the settlement agreement was violated. Bill Cosby’s lawyers want the rest of the settlement details (like how many stacks of $100 bills Cosby passed to Andrea) sealed and kept from public eyes. Cosby’s lawyers continued to diarrhea out a whine fest by saying that the media twisted what he said in the deposition to make him look like a sleazy rapist. I’m pretty sure Bill Cosby deserves all the credit for that, but whatever.
You may have thought that there’s only one to step to yawning: Step 1. Watch Mortdecai. But if you’ve been doing that, then you’ve been doing it wrong.
Goopy Paltrow used to be an uneducated yawner like all of us until she met a high priest of yawning who enlightened her in the spiritual art of yawning. The rich used to think that yawning was only something the weak, rude, uncouth peasants did, but it’s a new day. While proving that she has a gift for making absolutely anything sound pretentious as hell, Goopy writes in a piece on GOOP (via The Guardian) about how she learned how to perfect the yawn from Michael Lear, “a wonderful yogi and important quarterback for mindfulness and meditation.”
Goopy and Yogi Michael were having dinner one night when he noticed that she was trying to hold in a yawn. Yogi Michael let Goopy know to let it all out, because yawning is a necessity of life and it isn’t rude or a sign of boredom. It’a stress reliever. Goopy says that after her first yawn, Michael yawned and they had a back-and-forth yawn fest for a good 60 seconds. The other people in the restaurant probably looked at them, shrugged and thought, “Oh, that’s just a natural reaction to Goopy.”
Ariana Grande Latte’s career is on the brink of being buried under the donuts she contaminated with her unpatriotic saliva (not really), so she’s trying hard to dig herself out before the only gig she’ll be able to book is the headliner at an anti-donut festival in North Korea. The demonic Whoville child already released an apology statement where she said that she’s a proud American and then rambled on about super fat kids. Last night, Ariana tried the whole “I’m sowwy” thing again and in a video to her “babes,” she told them to throw her previous non-apology into the trash and she started over.
Ariana should’ve just said, “Donuts, I’m sorry. Donut shop owner, I’m sorry for lowering your health grade. Donut shop employee, I’m sorry,” but instead she went on a 4-minute-long ramble journey where she apologized, said the last apology wasn’t “relative,” apologized again, said she was embarrassed by her actions, apologized again, said that she’s a proud American and apologized again. Ariana’s face looks blown up in the video and that’s because just licking a donut gave her fat face. No, she had her wisdom teeth yanked out.
Ariana is already a known mumbler and so of course, her dental surgery made it worse. I had to watch the video with the captions on, because I couldn’t understand the wrinkled-up words coming out of her mouth and because it gave me gems like the one above.
I listened hard and read the captions and not once did I see the line, “I AM SORRY, DONUTS.” Therefore, apology not accepted! Try again. In the meantime, I’m sure Ariana’s entire tour will be scrapped and promoters will replace her with a humble nightingale who doesn’t hate donuts, is only a diva on the stage and has better hair, singing talent and enunciation skills. May I suggest this current Facebook superstar:
Posted by JP Winchester on Sunday, June 28, 2015
Now THAT is how you impersonate Mariah Carey, Ariana.
After watching that impeccable hairography, Beyonce texted the words, “You need a ride to the unemployment office, because I’m heading there now,” to Ariana.
Some actresses like Patricia Arquette, Laura Jeanne Poon and Julianne Moore are tired of going to award shows and having to answer questions about the $10,000 dress they got to wear for free. It’s a real drag for them and so that’s how that whole #AskHerMore thing came to be. But well, Natalie Portman wishes reporters would ask her more questions about the dress she’s wearing, because she’s sick of them asking her about serious stuff like what’s going on in the Middle East. Natalie told Harper’s Bazaar that she thinks only asking an actress about the stuff she’s wearing is a little sexist, but she doesn’t mind, because it’s better than answering questions about foreign policy and shit:
“I get asked so many questions about the Middle East, and I’m like ‘Can you please just ask me about my dress? Let’s just talk about the dress!’
I like to look at what people are wearing, but I do see the sexism in it. Yeah, you could reject it all, but I don’t know anyone who has done that and been able to maintain the level of work I’d like to maintain.”
Well, they probably don’t ask Natalie about her dress, because it’s usually boring and hearing her talk about it could make someone fall into a coma. But I’m with Natalie Portman, don’t ask Natalie Portman about the Middle East or foreign policy. Natalie doesn’t even like to talk about that crap at dinner. Once upon a time, Natalie Portman wanted everyone to know that she’s a Harvard graduate whose brain is filled with so much smartness that she can talk about smart people stuff forever, but not anymore.
Natalie and her ballerino husband live in Paris and she says that French people love to have serious talks during parties and dinner. Natalie just wants to talk about happy things like they do in L.A.!
“This French friend of ours just told me that being in Los Angeles, he missed having serious conversations at dinner. In Paris, if you’re at dinner and there isn’t a debate, you leave and think, Well, that wasn’t a very good party. But no one ever does that here. And I thought, I like just having happy talk! My French is okay, but when my friends are talking about books and philosophy, that’s a level of conversation I’m just not ready for linguistically. And maybe intellectually.”
Natalie is so full of le caca. Natalie’s French friend must have only had dinner with vapid mannequins while in L.A. Some of us still like to massage our brains by having serious conversations over nachos and 2-for-1 sangria. Just the other weekend, my friend and I had a serious debate while ranking the best Aaron Spelling primetime soap operas from worst to best. Dynasty even had a character from the Middle East in it, so my friend and I basically discussed foreign relations, thankyouverymuch.
“Takes one to know one, HUNTY!” – Barnaby Joyce, Australia’s Agriculture Minister.
The international incident that shook the world like a Yorkie shaking the greasy fleas off after getting too close to Johnny Depp is not over. Australia is still wondering how Johnny Depp and Amber Heard smuggled their Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, into the country and he could be hit with fines and thrown into prison (yeah right) for not putting his dogs in quarantine. Since this highly serious case is still under investigation, Amber’s high-paid fancy lawyers should’ve told her to keep her mouth lips shut about it. But Amber just couldn’t help herself and had to throw hate at Australia while promoting Magic Mike XXL during a pre-recorded interview on the Australian morning show Sunrise (via E!). Amber said that she and Johnny are probably going to keep their distance from Australia and its attention whorey politicians. RIP Australia’s scarf industry.
“I have a feeling we’re going to avoid the land Down Under from now on, just as much as we can, thanks to certain politicians there. I don’t know, I guess everyone tries to go for their 15 minutes, including some government officials.”
After the clip of Amber’s interview aired on Sunrise’s, the show’s hosts called a trick out. Host David Koch said, “Hollywood types. They think they’re a bit above the law.”
When asked for a comment, Australia, who is in the fetal position on the floor, shook its head “no” before it went back to crying Vegemite-flavored tears into a bowl of half-eaten lamington batter. How can it go on knowing that Bracelets McScarfDirt and his dead-eyed wife don’t want to be inside of it? If you need Australia, it’ll be hugging itself while cry singing, “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?”
So let’s recap: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard broke Australia’s quarantine laws by smuggling in their Yorkies and she’s the one side-eyeing Australia? I would tell her to have a seat, but it’s probably impossible to sit when your head is firmly up your own ass. So, I’ll tell Amber to have a squat. Have a squat, bitch.
Here’s Above The Law Heard wearing two different dresses while walking around NYC yesterday.
It was my assumption that co-starring in one of the most culturally significant films of the last 25 years would earn you a spot in the Hollywood Hall of Fame and guaranteed you whatever you wanted for free for life, but apparently that’s not true. According to Zoe Saldana, Hollywood draws the line at paying for your nannies. Zoe recently admitted to USA Today that while actors are eyeball-deep in champagne-filled Jacuzzis and hand jobs with caviar, someone from accounting has denied her a few extra dollars to pay the babysitter.
“[Studios] spend more money sometimes ‘perking’ up male superstars in a movie. A really phat penthouse or them staying in a yacht instead of them staying on land. But then a woman comes in going, ‘OK, I have a child. You’re taking me away from my home. You’re taking my children away from their home. And you’re going to make me work a lot more hours than I usually would if I was home. Therefore, I would have to pay for this nanny for more hours – so I kind of need that. And they go, ‘Nope, we don’t pay for nannies.'”
It’s probably safe to assume that a nanny doesn’t cost anywhere near as much as a “really phat” penthouse, right? If the studios are so concerned with the cost of all that nanny overtime, maybe they should think about downgrading their penthouse situation from “phat” to “sweet“.
Shortly after Zoe slapped at Hollywood for being a bunch of baby-hating cheapskates, her rep called up USA Today and told them: “With any production, there is always a negotiating process“, and that the nanny overtime situation had been sorted out. I hope they were able to negotiate a better deal than I did when I still babysat kids (anything past midnight would cost an extra dollar and give me permission to eat whatever I wanted from the baking cupboard).
Here’s more of the Norma Rae of rich actress moms and husband at a film event a couple days ago. Bonus hotness: Mark Ruffalo!
Last night, Good Morning America got the Beyhive in pre-frenzy mode when they announced on Twitter that on Monday morning Beyonce was going to make a big announcement that everyone will love. They all wondered what could it be?! Will Beyonce announce that she’s running for president as a Beyocrat? Will Beyonce announce that instead of doing a world tour, she’s going to do a 6-week residency on Tidal’s streaming service and yes, tickets will still be $500 each? Will Beyonce announce that she’s bringing her Tempur-Pedic baby bump out of retirement? What is it????! So, the Beyhive got up early today, polished their stingers and prepared to lose their minds, but when Beyonce’s big announcement was revealed, dicks went soft and balls turned blue. Beyonce’s big announcement was about as interesting as a vegan’s broccoli-induced butt burp.
Beyonce’s big announcement wasn’t even an announcement. Beyonce just wanted to talk about being a sometime vegan for the 1,345,985th time. By now, every single living thing on this planet knows that Beyonce and Jay-Z went vegan for 3 weeks, because she won’t stop shitting up at the mouth about it. Beyonce went on GMA to whore out Marco Borges’ 22-day vegan diet, which she’s whored out before. Beyonce even wrote the foreword for his book The 22-Day Revolution. Beyonce’s big appearance was beysically an informercial.
Yes, Beyonce is that insufferable friend who talks about being a vegan once and goes on and on about how much it changed their life. But instead of doing it in a Facebook status, she does it in a “special announcement” on Good Morning America.
Beyonce didn’t even go into Good Morning America’s studios for this shit! She just rolled out of bed, went to her rooftop and shot the pre-taped piece while she had 5 minutes to spare. This is some “I will film some non-announcement on a rooftop and hos will call in sick to work to watch it” shit. I bet right after Beyonce burped up how great being a vegan is, her personal drone delivered the Double-Double her assistant ordered from an In-N-Out in Austin, TX and her stylist asked her if she wants to wear the rhino leather jumpsuit or the red panda fur culottes.
And the Beyhive was mad at their God for a second:
Beyoncé: I have an announcement Hive: OMFG A TOUR???? ALBUM?????? Beyoncé: Y'all fat lol
— mer. (@theonewithbey) June 8, 2015
But I’m sure they have already forgiven her and will get up early next week when Beyonce announces on Today that she took a shit.
As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.
If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.
If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.
“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.
I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”
But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?