Category: Girlfriend Please

Aunt Becky And Mossimo May Play The “We Didn’t Know We Were Bribing Anyone” Card 

April 24, 2019 / Posted by:

Yes, the people going, “Oh God, I can’t with your asses,” in the background speak for us all!

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo are facing decades upon decades in the clink, because they refused to take a plea deal and plead guilty, so they got even more charges thrown at them for their alleged involvement in the college admissions scandal. We already heard from a source who claimed that Aunt Becky and Mossimo were telling people that they didn’t know they were doing anything illegal by bribing an official, but if they said that in court, there’s a good chance Lady Justice would fart on both of their mouths. Because the court doesn’t really count ignorance of a law as an excuse. So they’ve reportedly came up with another genius excuse!

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Trump Vows That The FBI Will Look Into What Happened In The Jussie Smollett Case

March 28, 2019 / Posted by:

Today in “takes one to know one, bitch“, Donald Trump called the dropping of all 16 felony charges against Jussie Smollett an embarrassment to our nation, and tweeted that the FBI and the Department of Justice will put their magnifying glasses over what the fuck happened there. That’s surprising since you’d think Trump would congratulate another alleged schemer for getting away with the alleged scheme they busted out. But since Trump has to shart out his thoughts on whatever’s trending on Twitter, he mouth sharted out his thoughts on the Jussie Smollett case. Expect Trump to mouth shart out his thoughts about those anti-semitic over-sliced bagels, and yes, he’s going to tweet that he loves them. He would.

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Emily Ratajkowski Defends Her Millionaire Husband For Not Paying Rent. He’s An Activist Artiste Making A Statement, Okay!?!

March 27, 2019 / Posted by:

I see you privileged bitches laughing, heaving, and rolling your eyes over struggling chonies model Emily RideAJetSki (reported net worth: $6 million) and her struggling filmmaker husband Sebastian Bear-Mcclard (reported net worth: $12 million) using a struggling artists loophole to get out of paying rent on his Manhattan loft. How dare you! You’re sitting there on your working desk chair, sipping your luxurious Dunkin’ Donuts coffee while wearing a lush Old Navy cardigan as Emily and Sebastian try to keep their berets (because their artistes!) from falling off their heads as they tussle with a rat who stole their last crumb!

We knew that Emily is thirsty (see: her Instagram page), but earlier this month we learned that she and her husband are starving, specifically starving artists who owe his landlord $120,000 in unpaid rent on the NoHo loft he’s lived in since 2013. There’s a law in New York that keeps landlords from kicking out poor artists and other tenants who don’t pay rent on apartments that don’t have a certificate of occupancy or have fire/smoke alarms, etc… Sebastian’s building doesn’t, so in 2017, he used that law to stop paying his monthly $4,900 rent. Emily has now decided to say words about that and she claims her husband isn’t rich and is standing up to THE MAN. It probably took Emily so long to respond because she’s so poor she can’t afford internet or phone service on her iPhone XS Max and it took her a while to figure out the neighbor’s WiFi password (which is: FuckThoseRichBitchesNextDoor666).

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Dr. Dre Bragged About His Daughter Getting Into USC On Her Own (And I’m Sure His $70 Million Donation Didn’t Help At All) 

March 25, 2019 / Posted by:

As Felicity Huffman (reported net worth: $20 million), William H. Macy (reported net worth: $45 million), Aunt Becky, and Mossimo (reported combined net worth: $100 million) curse and spit at the universe for being poor and not rich enough to get their kids into college by buying an entire building, Dr. Dre, who is definitely rich enough to buy a university building and did, dropped a bitchy fart on them by announcing that his daughter got into USC all on her own and he didn’t have to pull ILLEGAL schemes.

But the thing is, when you throw hate at parents who bought their kids’ way into college and everyone remembers that you made a $70 million donation to the school that your daughter just so happened to get into, you’re going to get dragged. That’s exactly what happened to Dr. Dre. It’s a shame he’s not a real doctor, because he’s going need a prescription for topical antibiotics to treat those dragging bruises. Although, maybe USC threw in a medical degree with that $70 million donation.

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The Woman Who Got Clawed By A Jaguar At A Zoo Says She Wasn’t Taking A Selfie And Didn’t Cross A Barrier 

March 12, 2019 / Posted by:

The woman who got a claw to the arm after allegedly jumping a barrier at Wildlife World Zoo in Litchfield Park, Arizona to get a selfie with a jaguar has come out to say she didn’t jump the barrier and she was’t trying to get a selfie. The woman says that she knows she was in the wrong BUT (that but is definitely presented to you by her attorney’s office) she thinks the zoo should push back the jaguar’s fence. As for that jaguar’s response, just take a look at that picture of her throwing a “Trick, r u serious?” look.

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Something Tells Me That Miss USA Isn’t Going To Win Miss Congeniality At The Miss Universe Pageant 

December 13, 2018 / Posted by:

It’s surprising that Miss USA, Sarah Rose Summers, wasn’t rushed to the hospital in Bangkok to get her mind put back together after it was blown when she got to the Miss Universe pageant and learned that not every single person in the world speaks fluent English. So now we know that Miss USA is that kind of American who screams, “SPEAK AMERICAN!“, at servers when trying to order food in another country.

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