Category: Girlfriend Please

Goopy Paltrow Is Totally Okay With Her Kids Eating A “Radioactive Cherry” If That’s What They Want

May 19, 2015 / Posted by:

I was going to have an 8th cup of coffee (aka non-organic, peon coffee beans that didn’t come out of the ass of a weasel cat in Indonesia) with a spoonful of Coffee-Mate (aka processed toxic powder), but now I don’t need it! Nothing gives me a quick pick-me-up like reading what Goopy Paltrow has to say about diet and stuff. It’s eyeball calisthenics time!

It was only two years ago when Goopy wrote about how her family is allergic to everything so they stay away from carbs, dairy and chicken eggs and sometimes it leaves their stomachs singing the chorus of Annie Lenox’s Why. But since Goopy is still trying to convince us all that she doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, she has come down from her sky high ivory tower to mingle with us McDonald’s-eating peasants and let us know that sometimes her children eat the same dumpster food we do and it’s okay. During an interview with Women’s Health (via People and UsWeekly), the failed poor person gooped at the mouth about her diet philosophy and also said that one of the keys to living a healthy life is to get her goop hole gooped as much as possible.

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Just Call Her St. Porn Iguana: Courtney Stodden Will Donate Her Sex Tape Profits To Charity

May 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.

If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.

Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.

But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!

The Dr. Oz Show Isn’t A Medical Show, Okay?

April 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Dr. Oz has been doing the damage control shuffle hard this week after a group of doctors sent a letter to Columbia University, calling for him to be dropped from the faculty, because he’s full of banana-shaped shits and would gladly tell his disciples that Coke is a miracle weight-loss elixir if Coca-Cola gave him a big enough check. The group basically said that he’s the Wizard of Oz with a medical license. They slammed his ass for shitting on GMOs, turning his nose up at “evidence-based medicine” and promoting “quick treatments” for money. Well, Dr. Oz has greased up his face with Crisco (Vaseline lost the bidding war to be his fightin’ lube of choice) and stuck Gillette razors (yup, they won the bidding war against Schick) in his hair, because he’s fighting back.

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Blasphemy Alert: Giuliana Rancic Calls Ginger Spice “One Of The Lesser Spices”

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

In case you didn’t know by the fact that Giuliana Rancic’s face is all over the news (and by the “news” I mean The Daily Mail and People since that’s pretty much “the news” to me), she’s been hitting the ho stroll harder than usual because she’s pimping out her third book called Going Off Script: How I Survived a Crazy Childhood, Cancer, and Clooney’s 32 On-Screen Rejections. Yes, she has more than one book, because everyone is dying to know every single thing about the life of a professional “What Are You Wearing?” asker. Because Giuliana needed some shit for her book, she dusted off a 10+ year old cheating rumor and threw it in.

Giuliana and Jerry O’Connell bumped nipples in the early aughts and she writes that he passed his peen to another twice before dumping her. According to Page Six, Giuliana writes that things between her and Jerry were heart-shaped queefs and rainbows until he cheated on her with Ginger Spice.

“I was being two-timed for one of the lesser Spices?” she writes. Confronted, O’Connell told her, “ ‘Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.’ He had as much emotion as the customer-service representative who tells you your bags missed the flight.”

They broke up for a second, but got back together. That lasted about as long as a fried Twinkie casserole in front of Mama June’s face. Giuliana claims that Jerry quit her for good after meeting his now wife of 8 years Rebecca Romjin at a party in Vegas.

O’Connell wandered off. “Little did I know he was in the VIP area, talking up Rebecca. As a prelude to feeling up Rebecca.”

A week later, he departed for Las Vegas and stopped returning her calls. When she confronted him at his home, he refused to buzz her up.

“Nope. Sorry, homegirl,” he said, ending their relationship with: “Things change, but you take care, OK?”

Dumping a trick via a building intercom is like making someone come in on a Friday morning just so you can fire them. But the image of Jerry dropping that “sorry, homegirl” line on her after she tried to get him to buzz her in has taken me up, up and away.

And Giuliana’s ass needs to be taken away and jailed immediately for that ignorant “lesser spice” comment. Bitch needs more education! Ginger Spice isn’t the lesser Spice, because there are no lesser Spices. Choosing a lesser Spice Girl is like choosing a lesser of the Shiba Inu 6. It’s not possible! (But if I had to, I’d choose Sporty Spice. Fuck, here comes the screaming.)  When I read that Giuliana accused Jerry of cheating on her with a lesser Spice, I pictured her walking in on him fucking a jar of dill seeds.

Here’s Giuliana whoring out her book for the paps in NYC today.

Pics: Splash

Don’t Even Think Of Going Near George Clooney’s Lake Como Villa Unless You Want To Be Hit With A $550 Fine

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Roberto Pozzi, the mayor of Laglio, Italy, has let the paparazzi, fans and other unwanted tricks (see: Sarah Larson looking for a loan) know that the land around George Clooney’s villas in Lake Como are now protected by the law and if a bitch so much as touches the sacred grounds around Villa d’Smuggy, they could be slapped down with a €500 fine. I would post pictures of George Clooney’s villas, but if I did and you looked at them, you could find a bill for $550 in your inbox.

The Telegraph says that Mayor Roberto Pozzi issued an ordinance stating that anyone who gets out of their car or boat while within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be labeled dirty trespassers and could face a €500 fine. George and Amal Clooney are reportedly going to spend a piece of their summer in Lake Como, so the mayor wants to make sure that nobody bothers them. The mayor issued a similar ordinance last year.

Oh, THE RICH and THE FAMOUS! They get the mayor to issue an ordinance that keeps away pesky tricks while us peasants have to have to shut out mouths and crawl around on the floor while waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking at our front door to get the hint and go away.

The paparazzi must be so confused and hurt over George kicking them in the asshole like this. They miss the happier days of his STUNT QUEEN wedding extravaganza in Venice when his publicist would give them the exact location of his whereabouts. They were there for him then and this is how he repays them?! Hurtful and rude! But seriously, I doubt a fine is going to keep the paps away. If the mayor really wants the paps to stay away, he should issue an ordinance stating that anyone who steps foot within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be thrown into a jail cell where they will be forced to watch Batman & Robin while sober. Not even the damn roaches and rats would go near his villas.

Natalie Portman Says Parisians Don’t Wear Shorts

April 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Members of the pro-shorts army better put on their best pair of scrappin’ shorts and get ready for another battle, because Natalie Portman has joined Fran Lebowitz in the war against shorts. GOOP’S ambassador to France Natalie Portman did an interview with the Wisconsin Gazette (via Bustle and Lainey) to promote some Miss Dior shit and her movie Knight of Cups, and she got into talking about what it’s like living in Paris with her twirling ballet dancer husband and their son Aleph. When Natalie Portman skips down the street in Paris singing “Bonjour, Paree!” from Funny Face (which you know she does because trick thinks she’s our modern day Audrey Hepburn) with a baguette in her arms and a beret on her head, she doesn’t have to worry about her eyes being hit with the sight of French legs sprouting out of tacky shorts. Le trashé!

It’s so interesting to plunge into another culture and experience a different way of living. The city is so rich in terms of the architecture, the bookshops you find at every corner, the way everyone dresses so well. No Parisian ever walks around in shorts and even the children look very chic (laughs).

The closest I’ve been to being in Paris is the time I ate French onion soup and a crow-sawnt at a Mimi’s Cafe outside of Lake Perris, CA, so I have no idea if she’s dribbling out the truth or not. But I do wish that Parisians would secretly gather together and agree to wear shorts on the same day. Natalie’s mind would be blown across the Atlantic. I’m not sure if I totally believe Natalie, because one of my style icons is French and his ass is always SANS PANTS!

pepelapewpants

Explain that, Natalie!

Here’s Natalie with her son last year and yes, she’s wearing cut-offs, but it’s okay since these pictures were taken in the uncouth land of déclassé known as L.A. When in Paris, don’t wear shorts! When in L.A. , look like trash!

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

M.I.A. On The Time That Oprah Supposedly Cursed Her Out

March 20, 2015 / Posted by:

In a Rolling Stones profile for the 10th anniversary of her first album Arular, M.I.A. goes off and spills what I’m sure is 100% truthfulness about her ex-boyfriend Diplo and God’s supervisor Oprah.

M.I.A. and Diplo bumped nipples full-time for 5 years and she says that his b-hole started dripping with jealousy when she got signed to Interscope. Diplo shit on her for going “mainstream” and called her a sell out for doing magazine photo shoots and for working with famous people. She claims that the more successful she got, the more Diplo put her down and now she thinks he was just jealous and couldn’t wait to become famous himself. (Makes sense since he’s allegedly been all over Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.) Diplo recently Instagrammed a picture of himself with M.I.A., so I guess his ass isn’t sore from her slapping at him.

But one person who probably isn’t going to Instagram a picture of herself and M.I.A. anytime soon is The Mighty O! M.I.A. says that in the above picture taken at Time’s Most Influential People of 2009 party, Oprah is holding back from chewing her a new asshole. M.I.A. claims that she asked Oprah to draw awareness to the shit going on in Sri Lanka, but The Mighty O told her to fuck off. This is 100% real and it happened exactly the way M.I.A. said it happened:

In 2009, Time nominated me for one of the most influential people of the 21st century or something and I met Oprah at that party. And I was like, “Hey, people are gonna fucking die in my country. Like, please pay attention.” And she was like, “You’re shit because you were rude to Lady Gaga and I’m not talking to you. And I’m gonna interview Tom Cruise jumping on my sofa, so fuck off.”

Yeah, she didn’t talk to me. She shut me down. She took that photo of me, but she was just like, “I can’t talk to you because you’re crazy and you’re a terrorist.” And I’m like, “I’m not. I’m a Tamil and there are people dying in my country and you have to like look at it because you’re fucking Oprah and every American told me you’re going to save the world.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA. The Tommy couch jumping thing happened in 2005, so either M.I.A. made that up or she and Oprah temporarily time traveled back to 2005 during that fight. I don’t know what’s more unbelievable: Oprah telling someone to fuck off and calling them a terrorist while there’s cameras around or Oprah being a Little Monster. Or all of the above. Oprah doesn’t need to curse anyone out if she wants them to leave her alone. She just needs to snap her fingers and a bolt of lighting will turn you to dust and rid you from her sight. And something tells me M.I.A. will be for real M.I.A. when Oprah finds out that she tried to shit all over her pristine image.

Pic: Getty

America’s Biggest Throbbing Hemorrhoid Is Quitting The Celebrity Apprentice To Explore Running For President

March 18, 2015 / Posted by:

The NH Union Leader says that Donald Trump is done, for now, with firing reality tricks and has-beens on The Celebrity Apprentice, because he wants to think about throwing his pussy hairball hair into the presidential ring. When you hear the sound of the bloated naranja toad croaking about becoming President, you know it’s almost presidential race time. Because Donald Trump does this every. single. time.

During the finale of The Celebrity Apprentice last month, Donald Trump said that NBC picked up the show for another season, but he burped up a caca bubble of foreshadowing when he said that he hasn’t personally made any decisions about the show. A source tells the NH Union Leader that Trump isn’t going to renew his contract with NBC. Donald Trump has threatened to run for President a million times before (yes, it’s a threat), but a source says he’s serious this time and is putting together an “exploratory committee.” Jabba the Trump has already hired staff in New York, Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire. Trump farted up this statement today about running. As is the case with most of Trump’s statements, it is a mound of delusion wrapped in a thick layer of HAHA.

“I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians – who are all talk and no action! I have built a great company, created thousands of jobs and built a tremendous net worth with some of the finest and most prestigious assets in the world – and very little debt! All Americans deserve the same opportunity. Our real unemployment rate is staggering while our manufacturing base is eroding on a daily basis. We must rebuild our infrastructure, control our borders, support local control of education, greatly strengthen our military, care for our veterans and put Americans back to work! We must stop other countries from totally taking advantage of our representatives who are being out-negotiated at every turn. I am the only one who can make America truly great again!”

Politico says that The Celebrity Apprentice will go on without Donald Trump. The producers plan to replace him with a long-haired incontinent guinea pig. Nobody will know the difference. (No offense to long-haired incontinent guinea pigs.)

Donald Trump doesn’t need an exploratory committee to tell him that running for president is the best idea. What America really needs is more laughs and entertainment and we’ll definitely get that if Trump runs. Since we’re on the subject of the 2016 presidential campaign, here’s my nominee at a fashion event in L.A. last week. She can run under the Ginger Party.

Pics: Wenn.com

In “Sure, Jan” News, Karrueche Tran Says She’s Forever Done With Chris Brown

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t even know why I’m bothering with this post. I’m sure that by the time I hit the publish button, Karkoochie Tran will be spinning on Chris Brown’s anteater nose dick once again. Thank you to the dude laughing in the car for perfectly expressing my thoughts about this.

We’ve seen the words “Karreuche Tran breaks up with Chris Brown again” more than we’ve seen the words “Chris Brown fucked up again” and that’s saying a lot. For the 4,567,910th time (I’m underestimating) in her life, Karmachameleon Tran says that she’s washing her hands clean of Chris Brown’s bullshit and will never go back to him. We’ve heard that all before and we’ll hear it again. Karreuche isn’t leaving Chris Brown, because she finally woke up from the dickmatized haze she was in and realized she’s been dating Chris Brown for years. She’s leaving him, because she can’t deal with him putting a baby into a uterus that doesn’t belong to her. She’s not her for the baby drama. Oh, but she was there for the douche drama? Okay. The full-time Instagram model is probably just mad that this baby’s child support might fuck with her weekly allowance. Karreuche announced her 10,000th break up from The Difficult Brown in this tweet:

Karreuche needs to either rid herself of The Difficult Brown once and for all or she needs to step up her gold digging game by following the 4 Gs: Get married, get a baby, get paid and get out. We all know that in a few months, the paps will take pictures of her babysitting Chris Brown’s kid at Chuck E. Cheese while he’s off bareback boning another trick.

The Baller Alert also says that there’s a chance the kid is not Chris Brown’s daughter. A guy on Instagram claims that he was told the 9-month-old girl is his and he’s been raising her. They obviously need to go to Maury to handle this. If Chris Brown is not the father, I must see that 9-month-old girl get on her feet and do the “Not The Father” dance of joy after finding out she’s not related to The Difficult Brown.

And here’s some pictures that TMZ found of Chris Brown’s maybe baby mother giving you “the spawn of Garfield and Nicole Richie” in her “modeling” pictures.

Pics: Wenn.com, Model Mayhem

ScarJo Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Creepy Or Inappropriate About John Travolta

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

ScarJo is spitting at the media for taking a sweet moment at the Oscars and turning it into some creepified shit straight from the mind of Rod Serling. On Oscar night, John Travolta’s hands were hungry for some lady and when he wasn’t grabbing and kissing on ScarJo, he was giving Idina Menzel a palm facial. Travolta’s rep already said that the weird face massage was “rehearsed,” and now ScarJo is coming to his defense nearly a week later. I know, I shouldn’t give ScarJo shit for waiting almost 5 days to say something. She was probably busy rinsing her head out with an Ajax and bleach solution to rid herself of the memory of John Travolta groping her like she was a giant E-meter can.

ScarJo fave this statement to the Associated Press:

“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta. The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalized by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”

If I could box up agurl, please” provided by Aunt Bunny and send it to ScarJo, I would. ScarJo has let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times, she’s been out in public with Sean Penn and to remind you again, she let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times. Her judgement of character can’t be trusted. If she says someone isn’t strange, creepy or inappropriate, they probably are strange, creepy and inappropriate.

But ScarJo does have a point. Her close encounter with the wigged kind isn’t as creepy in the video:

See, not as creepy. John Travolta just runs up to ScarJo, presses his lips against her face and tries to suck out her soul through her pores. When he realizes that she’s empty inside, he moves onto his next victim. Not creepy at all! Just a regular old Hollywood greeting.

And here’s ScarJo with her baby and husband, who looks like an extra from Valley Girl, in L.A. yesterday:

Pics: FameFlynet, Getty

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