Category: Girlfriend Please

M.I.A. On The Time That Oprah Supposedly Cursed Her Out

March 20, 2015 / Posted by:

In a Rolling Stones profile for the 10th anniversary of her first album Arular, M.I.A. goes off and spills what I’m sure is 100% truthfulness about her ex-boyfriend Diplo and God’s supervisor Oprah.

M.I.A. and Diplo bumped nipples full-time for 5 years and she says that his b-hole started dripping with jealousy when she got signed to Interscope. Diplo shit on her for going “mainstream” and called her a sell out for doing magazine photo shoots and for working with famous people. She claims that the more successful she got, the more Diplo put her down and now she thinks he was just jealous and couldn’t wait to become famous himself. (Makes sense since he’s allegedly been all over Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.) Diplo recently Instagrammed a picture of himself with M.I.A., so I guess his ass isn’t sore from her slapping at him.

But one person who probably isn’t going to Instagram a picture of herself and M.I.A. anytime soon is The Mighty O! M.I.A. says that in the above picture taken at Time’s Most Influential People of 2009 party, Oprah is holding back from chewing her a new asshole. M.I.A. claims that she asked Oprah to draw awareness to the shit going on in Sri Lanka, but The Mighty O told her to fuck off. This is 100% real and it happened exactly the way M.I.A. said it happened:

In 2009, Time nominated me for one of the most influential people of the 21st century or something and I met Oprah at that party. And I was like, “Hey, people are gonna fucking die in my country. Like, please pay attention.” And she was like, “You’re shit because you were rude to Lady Gaga and I’m not talking to you. And I’m gonna interview Tom Cruise jumping on my sofa, so fuck off.”

Yeah, she didn’t talk to me. She shut me down. She took that photo of me, but she was just like, “I can’t talk to you because you’re crazy and you’re a terrorist.” And I’m like, “I’m not. I’m a Tamil and there are people dying in my country and you have to like look at it because you’re fucking Oprah and every American told me you’re going to save the world.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA. The Tommy couch jumping thing happened in 2005, so either M.I.A. made that up or she and Oprah temporarily time traveled back to 2005 during that fight. I don’t know what’s more unbelievable: Oprah telling someone to fuck off and calling them a terrorist while there’s cameras around or Oprah being a Little Monster. Or all of the above. Oprah doesn’t need to curse anyone out if she wants them to leave her alone. She just needs to snap her fingers and a bolt of lighting will turn you to dust and rid you from her sight. And something tells me M.I.A. will be for real M.I.A. when Oprah finds out that she tried to shit all over her pristine image.

Pic: Getty

America’s Biggest Throbbing Hemorrhoid Is Quitting The Celebrity Apprentice To Explore Running For President

March 18, 2015 / Posted by:

The NH Union Leader says that Donald Trump is done, for now, with firing reality tricks and has-beens on The Celebrity Apprentice, because he wants to think about throwing his pussy hairball hair into the presidential ring. When you hear the sound of the bloated naranja toad croaking about becoming President, you know it’s almost presidential race time. Because Donald Trump does this every. single. time.

During the finale of The Celebrity Apprentice last month, Donald Trump said that NBC picked up the show for another season, but he burped up a caca bubble of foreshadowing when he said that he hasn’t personally made any decisions about the show. A source tells the NH Union Leader that Trump isn’t going to renew his contract with NBC. Donald Trump has threatened to run for President a million times before (yes, it’s a threat), but a source says he’s serious this time and is putting together an “exploratory committee.” Jabba the Trump has already hired staff in New York, Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire. Trump farted up this statement today about running. As is the case with most of Trump’s statements, it is a mound of delusion wrapped in a thick layer of HAHA.

“I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians – who are all talk and no action! I have built a great company, created thousands of jobs and built a tremendous net worth with some of the finest and most prestigious assets in the world – and very little debt! All Americans deserve the same opportunity. Our real unemployment rate is staggering while our manufacturing base is eroding on a daily basis. We must rebuild our infrastructure, control our borders, support local control of education, greatly strengthen our military, care for our veterans and put Americans back to work! We must stop other countries from totally taking advantage of our representatives who are being out-negotiated at every turn. I am the only one who can make America truly great again!”

Politico says that The Celebrity Apprentice will go on without Donald Trump. The producers plan to replace him with a long-haired incontinent guinea pig. Nobody will know the difference. (No offense to long-haired incontinent guinea pigs.)

Donald Trump doesn’t need an exploratory committee to tell him that running for president is the best idea. What America really needs is more laughs and entertainment and we’ll definitely get that if Trump runs. Since we’re on the subject of the 2016 presidential campaign, here’s my nominee at a fashion event in L.A. last week. She can run under the Ginger Party.

Pics: Wenn.com

In “Sure, Jan” News, Karrueche Tran Says She’s Forever Done With Chris Brown

March 4, 2015 / Posted by:

I don’t even know why I’m bothering with this post. I’m sure that by the time I hit the publish button, Karkoochie Tran will be spinning on Chris Brown’s anteater nose dick once again. Thank you to the dude laughing in the car for perfectly expressing my thoughts about this.

We’ve seen the words “Karreuche Tran breaks up with Chris Brown again” more than we’ve seen the words “Chris Brown fucked up again” and that’s saying a lot. For the 4,567,910th time (I’m underestimating) in her life, Karmachameleon Tran says that she’s washing her hands clean of Chris Brown’s bullshit and will never go back to him. We’ve heard that all before and we’ll hear it again. Karreuche isn’t leaving Chris Brown, because she finally woke up from the dickmatized haze she was in and realized she’s been dating Chris Brown for years. She’s leaving him, because she can’t deal with him putting a baby into a uterus that doesn’t belong to her. She’s not her for the baby drama. Oh, but she was there for the douche drama? Okay. The full-time Instagram model is probably just mad that this baby’s child support might fuck with her weekly allowance. Karreuche announced her 10,000th break up from The Difficult Brown in this tweet:

Karreuche needs to either rid herself of The Difficult Brown once and for all or she needs to step up her gold digging game by following the 4 Gs: Get married, get a baby, get paid and get out. We all know that in a few months, the paps will take pictures of her babysitting Chris Brown’s kid at Chuck E. Cheese while he’s off bareback boning another trick.

The Baller Alert also says that there’s a chance the kid is not Chris Brown’s daughter. A guy on Instagram claims that he was told the 9-month-old girl is his and he’s been raising her. They obviously need to go to Maury to handle this. If Chris Brown is not the father, I must see that 9-month-old girl get on her feet and do the “Not The Father” dance of joy after finding out she’s not related to The Difficult Brown.

And here’s some pictures that TMZ found of Chris Brown’s maybe baby mother giving you “the spawn of Garfield and Nicole Richie” in her “modeling” pictures.

Pics: Wenn.com, Model Mayhem

ScarJo Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Creepy Or Inappropriate About John Travolta

February 27, 2015 / Posted by:

ScarJo is spitting at the media for taking a sweet moment at the Oscars and turning it into some creepified shit straight from the mind of Rod Serling. On Oscar night, John Travolta’s hands were hungry for some lady and when he wasn’t grabbing and kissing on ScarJo, he was giving Idina Menzel a palm facial. Travolta’s rep already said that the weird face massage was “rehearsed,” and now ScarJo is coming to his defense nearly a week later. I know, I shouldn’t give ScarJo shit for waiting almost 5 days to say something. She was probably busy rinsing her head out with an Ajax and bleach solution to rid herself of the memory of John Travolta groping her like she was a giant E-meter can.

ScarJo fave this statement to the Associated Press:

“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta. The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalized by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”

If I could box up agurl, please” provided by Aunt Bunny and send it to ScarJo, I would. ScarJo has let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times, she’s been out in public with Sean Penn and to remind you again, she let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times. Her judgement of character can’t be trusted. If she says someone isn’t strange, creepy or inappropriate, they probably are strange, creepy and inappropriate.

But ScarJo does have a point. Her close encounter with the wigged kind isn’t as creepy in the video:

See, not as creepy. John Travolta just runs up to ScarJo, presses his lips against her face and tries to suck out her soul through her pores. When he realizes that she’s empty inside, he moves onto his next victim. Not creepy at all! Just a regular old Hollywood greeting.

And here’s ScarJo with her baby and husband, who looks like an extra from Valley Girl, in L.A. yesterday:

Pics: FameFlynet, Getty

Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Trying To Bribe Her Way Out Of Jail, Okay?

February 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan is going back to her home away from the Chateau Marmont, an L.A. courtroom, tomorrow, to show the judge that she completed all 240 hours of her community service. The prosector Terry White has been going over the hours that LiLo supposedly completed through a London-based organization called Community Service Volunteers and he squinted his eyes over her trying to pass off meet-and-greets with audience members after Speed-The-Plow as community service. LiLo also tried to say that letting “disadvantaged youth” follow her around should count as a service to the community. LiLo has a point. If those kids were told, “Whatever she did, do the opposite and you’ll be fine,” after following her around, then that truly is community service. Now TMZ is saying that LiLo has brought Esurance into her schemes.

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All You Scientology Haters Can Go Eff Yourself, So Says Danny Masterson

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Danny Masterson is a born and bred Scientologist and he’s married to Scientologist Bijou Phillips (Side note: Thank you to the Dlisted commenter who once said, “Ugh, Bijou Phillips would fuck a snake,” a million years ago, because every time I type her name I think of her fucking a snake. A snake with Danny Masterson’s face and neckbeard), so of course he has strong feelings hating  on Scientology.

Paper Magazine talked to Hyde from That 70s Show at Sundance about Going Clear, the HBO documentary that EXPOSES some of the crazy and possibly criminal shit those crazies have done. Danny goes full Tom Cruise and made it perfectly clear that his body is empty of blood and only barley-flavored Kool-Aid runs through his veins, because ho doesn’t have one bad thing to say about Scientology. It’s as if L. Ron Hubbard’s ghost shoved his fist up Danny’s ass and moved his mouth while talking for him. Danny told Paper that Scientology is better than college, Scientologists don’t hate gay people (cut to John Travolta falling through a trap door into a dungeon after trying to bring up Grindr in the Scientology Centre) and how people suffering from mental illness don’t need meds when Scientology can fix them! Take it away, Danny!

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The 25-Year-Old Blossom Who Is Married To An 82-Year-Old Billionaire Swears She’s Not A Gold Digger

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Last September, one-time Playboy model and German rose Cathy Schmitz was inducted into the upper echelons of the Gold Digger Hall of Fame when she became the fifth wife of old ass Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner whose kind of famous for paying famous messes (see: Kim Kartrashian, Parasite Hilton, Brigitte Nielsen, etc…) to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball. Cathy and Richard dated for 7 months before legally uniting their love. 25-year-old Cathy and 82-year-old Sugar Grandaddy Richard were on Britain’s This Morning (via The Daily Mail) yesterday to push their reality special for Channel 5 called Age Gap Love and she pretty much stole Anna Nicole Smith’s flavor when she said that she married for love, not money. Uh huh, and I drink a disgusting, vomit-inducing, Jolly Green Giant jizz-tasting green protein shake for breakfast instead of a buttered Pop Tart because I actually like the taste and not because my doctor told me I have to stop eating like I’m one of Mama June’s poor children.

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Lindsay Lohan Blew Off Her Community Service And Is Blaming It On The Mosquito That Bit Her

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess “It’s the mosquito’s fault!” is the new “The black kid was driving!

Yes, we’re doing this again. Well, the joke’s on all of us whores who thought that Lindsay Lohan was actually to leave the delusion and self-entitlement in 2014 and shock the world by actually getting her shit together.

TMZ says that on Wednesday, we may get another court room fashion show, because LiLo is supposed to show her face in front of a judge after she allegedly didn’t complete all of her community service hours. LiLo had until November 6, 2014 to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service. But on that day, her lawyer Shawn Holley could only prove that she did half of those hours. The judge gave LiLo until next Wednesday to complete all 240 hours, but a source tells TMZ she isn’t even close to finishing.

The judge in L.A. allowed LiLo to do her community service in London. LiLo’s excuse is that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. She was going to finish her hours after the center opened up again, but she got struck down with that Chumbawamba virus and ended up in the hospital. As TMZ points out, LiLo got the virus while vacationing in Bora Bora instead of doing her community service in London.

TMZ says that LiLo could end up in jail if she doesn’t finish all her community service by January 28th.

Oh please, the chance of me getting knocked up with Prince Hot Ginge’s baby is greater than the chance of Lindsay Lohan going to jail. The judge will probably let her go after she argues that she did Speed-The-Plow in London and that should count as community service since she gifted the public with her amazing talent and youthful beauty. We all know what’s really going to happen. As soon as LiLo tells the judge that a mosquito kept her from doing community service, the judge is going to order the LAPD to use all of their resources to track down that mosquito and bring it in. LiLo can do no wrong so it has to be that mosquito’s fault. Jail that mosquito immediately! That’s if it didn’t turn green and melt as soon as it bit into her.

Iggy Azalea Thinks Iggy Azalea Made Hip Hop More Accepting

January 21, 2015 / Posted by:

I didn’t think that what Iggy Azalea does is considered hip hop, but she and others do, and she also thinks that she’s the Nelson Mandela of it. Iggy isn’t the first white chick rapper (Debbie Harry and Polly from Teen Witch, anyone?) and she’s not the first (or 20th) rapper to sell millions of albums, but she still thinks she’s changed hip hop and made it more mainstream. Will plastic surgeon please warn patients that sometimes the plastic jelly they inject into their ass can travel up to their brain and eat their sense of reason?

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Actor-Musician Johnny Depp Is Grossed Out By Actors Trying To Be Musicians

January 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Current World Heavyweight Fighting The Hot Grand Champion Johnny Depp totally gets the sicks and rolls his eyeballs at famous actors who get into the music game because they want to be more famous. You know how your 16 year old self (who used to jack it to Donnie Brasco-era Johnny Depp) cries while thinking about what he did to himself? That’s the way Johnny Depp feels when he sees an actor trying to be a rock star.

While promoting Mortified (or however you spell it) in Berlin, The Hollywood Reporter says that Johnny shat on actors who start bands for the wrong reasons. Even though Johnny started a band with Gibby Haynes in 1993, he doesn’t put himself in the same category as those fake fuck actors who aren’t real musicians. Johnny says that music is his first love and he doesn’t use his famous name to get people to come and see him play.

“That whole idea for me is a sickening thing, it’s always just made me sick. I’ve been very lucky to play on friends’ records and it’s still going. Music is still part of my life…. But you won’t be hearing The Johnny Depp Band. That won’t ever exist.

The kind of luxury now is, anybody with a certain amount of success, if you have a kind of musical being, you can go out and start a band and capitalize on your work in other areas. But I hate the idea, ‘Come see me play the guitar because you’ve seen me in 12 movies.’… It shouldn’t be [that way]. You want the people who are listening to the music to only be interested in the music.”

Somebody should hand Jared Leto, ScarJo, Ryan Gosling, Jada Pinkett Smith, Russell Crowe, Bruce Willis, Keanu Reeves, Billy Bob Thornton and Kevin Costner a Bounty paper towel to wipe the splatters of oil off of their faces, because Johnny Depp just threw them a greasy side-eye. Any trick involved in The Long Ranger shouldn’t be calling out anyone’s artistic integrity, but half of me agrees with Johnny. My soul really didn’t need that ScarJo album of Tom Waits covers. But on the other hand, Johnny still needs to shut his trash mouth, because if actors didn’t say to themselves, “I think I’m going to record some songs just because I can,” then we would have never been blessed with a musical and visual masterpiece like this:

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