The feud between exes, Vivica A. Catface and 5 Cents, tongue-rolled straight into Ass Lickin’ Town last year after she said in so many words that she believes his tip may get moist for man booty. It all started when Fifty farted on Instagram about how Empire’s ratings dip was because of all the “gay stuff” and Vivica said on Watch What Happen Lives that it was all just a case of the pot calling the kettle a man booty lover. At the time, Fifty responded to Vivica by saying that she only thinks he’s gay because he “let her” glaze his wrinkled donut with her tongue. That takes us to last night.
Along with Leah Remini, 50 Cent was a guest on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen just had to once again give us the image of Vivica making out with Fifty’s butt by bringing it up.
You know who’s really the devil? Yes, I am for calling that dried crotch cherry “Canada’s Jesus.” But the devil also lives in the stylist who put that look together. Justin Bieber looks like a Quints-fied Jeffrey Dahmer mixed with some Stanley Tucci in Lovely Bones and a drop of Terry Richardson. He looks like a child-touching child. That picture should come with a whistle and some holy water.
Instagram used to be one of the many churches where crazed Beliebers could worship their idol, but on August 16, 2016, a light in their life went out when he left IG. Since the Biebs is a toddler gremlin who feeds off of social media likes, I thought that he’d bring his page back from the dead eventually, but he hasn’t yet. And during a show in London last night, he dribbled out a Kanye-like sermon about the evils of Instagram.
Almost two years ago, Nicole Kidman appeared on The Tonight Show and told a story about the time she tried – and failed – to get a date with Jimmy Fallon. Nicole showed up to Jimmy’s apartment and hit on him. Jimmy was a clueless dum-dum and didn’t pick up what Nicole threw down. Nicole returned to The Tonight Show last night to promote her latest movie Lion, and they both played up how awkward it is between the two of them now. The audience didn’t know that they were in for a lot more than just the mental image of Jimmy giggling while doing Nicole’s icicle body.
When the Evita and Mother Teresa of Turkey, Lindsay Lohan, did an interview last month with Turkish television about being the new freckled savior to Syrian refugees, her mouth released a bizarre accent that sort of sounded like Rachel Dratch’s Vlem trying to do a voice impersonation of an American doing the accent of a Russian Leprechaun. I follow LiLo on Snatchchat (because I need something to watch on the toilet) and she mostly talks in her normal “Long Island trucker who gargles with gravel” voice on there, but it seems like whenever she’s in a country where the main language isn’t English, she puts on a vaguely Eastern European accent. Most of the internet discovered LiLo’s “Tom Hanks in The Terminal” accent yesterday when a video of her at the opening of her club in Greece made the rounds. When Madonna heard LiLo’s accent, even she said, “Oh blimey, what an arsehole.” LiLo explained why she sounds like half of Europe busted nuts on her tongue, and her explanation made me roll my eyes in several different languages.
Late last year, The Telegraph said that Tom Cruise was selling his estate near Scientology’s headquarters in England. That news made nearly everyone tape their windows up, because we knew that David Miscavige would holler out a glass-breaking scream if Scientology’s reigning Jesus quit that bitch. Little Lord Davey isn’t going to bruise his vocal cords from screaming over Tommy leaving anytime soon. Because at the London premiere of Jack Reach Around 2 last week, Scientology’s prince farted out nothing but sweet talk about his beautiful religion.
Back in 2013, most of the internet made fun of forever theater kid Anne Hathaway for laying down the blueprint for Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s extra thirsty Oscar campaign by hustling like her puppy got kidnapped and she needed to win that gold man statue so she could pawn it and pay her pooch’s ransom. Anne’s level 10 campaign hustling paid off and when she finally got her hands around the little gold man that danced in her dreams every night, she caused the Guinness World record for simultaneous eye rolls to break when she said, “It came truuuuueeeee.” Anne is now saying that her whole happy act during her speech was nothing but a lie!