Category: Girlfriend Please

Ivanka Trump Claims To Have Had A “Punk Phase”

October 18, 2017 / Posted by:

I don’t trust anybody named Trump as far as I can throw them. Ivanka Trump, perhaps the most easily tossed Trump, is no exception. So when Ivanka says she went through a “punk phase”, I’ve got to go see my ophthalmologist for severe spraining of the eyeballs. Ivanka wrote a chapter in her mom Ivana Trump‘s book Raising Trump, and because she’s a bad liar, she revealed that she used to shoplift tampons with GG Allin back in the day. Or close to it!

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Tom Cruise Swears That His “Valkyrie” Bubble Butt Is Real

September 28, 2017 / Posted by:

In the opening scene of 2008’s Valkyrie, Tom Cruise gets knocked over by an explosion and as he gets up, he sticks dat ass out and it looks like he’s presenting his hungry hole to a top. An ass aficionado (assicionado?) on Twitter, perfectly named @iluvbutts247, noticed the giant Tempur-Pedic peach on Tom’s ass area, and in their expert opinion, it looked like he was wearing the pillow bump that Katie Holmes allegedly wore as the real Suri Cruise was being grown in a Scientology lab on Gold Base. But while Tommy may be a big fake ass, he didn’t wear one in Valkyrie, or so he says.

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Adele May Never Ever Tour Again 

June 29, 2017 / Posted by:

When I went to see Adele, I was drunk on overpriced arena wine, but I still remember her saying that she probably wasn’t going to tour again. It’s actually amazing that I was able to hear Adele say that through the sound of thousands of women crying their tear ducts out as their ovaries combusted from hearing her sing live. But just in case nobody heard Adele announce that there’s a chance she may never go on tour again, she told her fans in an Instagram post that her third concert tour could be her last.

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Prince Hot Ginge Says That None Of The Royals Want The Crown

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Since Prince Hot Ginge wants nothing to do with the crown, I should remove it from my homomade (on purpose typo) PHG Real Doll during our “dates.” You know, to make the experience oh-so-realistic.

PHG did a long interview with Newsweek and he mostly talked about his charity stuff, but he also talked about how losing his mom at a young age really fucked with him, and he gave his thoughts about the future of the monarchy. He didn’t talk about Meghan Markle, but a “source” did and said that things are still new between them and if they get engaged, it won’t happen before the end of the year.

PHG says that his mom wanted him and his brother to live as normal of a life as possible, so he does his own grocery shopping and buys his own meat (wink win), but he also knows that he’s a prince and believes that his country and beyond still needs the magic of the monarchy.

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RIP Acting (500ish BC – 2017 AD): Daniel Day-Lewis Is Done With Being An Actor….Again

June 20, 2017 / Posted by:

History says that the art of acting was born before 534 BC when Thespis took the stage and played a character in a play. Well, the art of acting had a really good run, but the game is done now that the ac-TOR of all ac-TORS, Daniel Day-Lewis, has announced to the world that he’s retiring forever! Today, the comedy and tragedy masks are both crying over acting being done!

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