“Takes one to know one, HUNTY!” – Barnaby Joyce, Australia’s Agriculture Minister.
The international incident that shook the world like a Yorkie shaking the greasy fleas off after getting too close to Johnny Depp is not over. Australia is still wondering how Johnny Depp and Amber Heard smuggled their Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, into the country and he could be hit with fines and thrown into prison (yeah right) for not putting his dogs in quarantine. Since this highly serious case is still under investigation, Amber’s high-paid fancy lawyers should’ve told her to keep her mouth lips shut about it. But Amber just couldn’t help herself and had to throw hate at Australia while promoting Magic Mike XXL during a pre-recorded interview on the Australian morning show Sunrise (via E!). Amber said that she and Johnny are probably going to keep their distance from Australia and its attention whorey politicians. RIP Australia’s scarf industry.
“I have a feeling we’re going to avoid the land Down Under from now on, just as much as we can, thanks to certain politicians there. I don’t know, I guess everyone tries to go for their 15 minutes, including some government officials.”
After the clip of Amber’s interview aired on Sunrise’s, the show’s hosts called a trick out. Host David Koch said, “Hollywood types. They think they’re a bit above the law.”
When asked for a comment, Australia, who is in the fetal position on the floor, shook its head “no” before it went back to crying Vegemite-flavored tears into a bowl of half-eaten lamington batter. How can it go on knowing that Bracelets McScarfDirt and his dead-eyed wife don’t want to be inside of it? If you need Australia, it’ll be hugging itself while cry singing, “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?”
So let’s recap: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard broke Australia’s quarantine laws by smuggling in their Yorkies and she’s the one side-eyeing Australia? I would tell her to have a seat, but it’s probably impossible to sit when your head is firmly up your own ass. So, I’ll tell Amber to have a squat. Have a squat, bitch.
Here’s Above The Law Heard wearing two different dresses while walking around NYC yesterday.
It was my assumption that co-starring in one of the most culturally significant films of the last 25 years would earn you a spot in the Hollywood Hall of Fame and guaranteed you whatever you wanted for free for life, but apparently that’s not true. According to Zoe Saldana, Hollywood draws the line at paying for your nannies. Zoe recently admitted to USA Today that while actors are eyeball-deep in champagne-filled Jacuzzis and hand jobs with caviar, someone from accounting has denied her a few extra dollars to pay the babysitter.
“[Studios] spend more money sometimes ‘perking’ up male superstars in a movie. A really phat penthouse or them staying in a yacht instead of them staying on land. But then a woman comes in going, ‘OK, I have a child. You’re taking me away from my home. You’re taking my children away from their home. And you’re going to make me work a lot more hours than I usually would if I was home. Therefore, I would have to pay for this nanny for more hours – so I kind of need that. And they go, ‘Nope, we don’t pay for nannies.'”
It’s probably safe to assume that a nanny doesn’t cost anywhere near as much as a “really phat” penthouse, right? If the studios are so concerned with the cost of all that nanny overtime, maybe they should think about downgrading their penthouse situation from “phat” to “sweet“.
Shortly after Zoe slapped at Hollywood for being a bunch of baby-hating cheapskates, her rep called up USA Today and told them: “With any production, there is always a negotiating process“, and that the nanny overtime situation had been sorted out. I hope they were able to negotiate a better deal than I did when I still babysat kids (anything past midnight would cost an extra dollar and give me permission to eat whatever I wanted from the baking cupboard).
Here’s more of the Norma Rae of rich actress moms and husband at a film event a couple days ago. Bonus hotness: Mark Ruffalo!
Last night, Good Morning America got the Beyhive in pre-frenzy mode when they announced on Twitter that on Monday morning Beyonce was going to make a big announcement that everyone will love. They all wondered what could it be?! Will Beyonce announce that she’s running for president as a Beyocrat? Will Beyonce announce that instead of doing a world tour, she’s going to do a 6-week residency on Tidal’s streaming service and yes, tickets will still be $500 each? Will Beyonce announce that she’s bringing her Tempur-Pedic baby bump out of retirement? What is it????! So, the Beyhive got up early today, polished their stingers and prepared to lose their minds, but when Beyonce’s big announcement was revealed, dicks went soft and balls turned blue. Beyonce’s big announcement was about as interesting as a vegan’s broccoli-induced butt burp.
Beyonce’s big announcement wasn’t even an announcement. Beyonce just wanted to talk about being a sometime vegan for the 1,345,985th time. By now, every single living thing on this planet knows that Beyonce and Jay-Z went vegan for 3 weeks, because she won’t stop shitting up at the mouth about it. Beyonce went on GMA to whore out Marco Borges’ 22-day vegan diet, which she’s whored out before. Beyonce even wrote the foreword for his book The 22-Day Revolution. Beyonce’s big appearance was beysically an informercial.
Yes, Beyonce is that insufferable friend who talks about being a vegan once and goes on and on about how much it changed their life. But instead of doing it in a Facebook status, she does it in a “special announcement” on Good Morning America.
Beyonce didn’t even go into Good Morning America’s studios for this shit! She just rolled out of bed, went to her rooftop and shot the pre-taped piece while she had 5 minutes to spare. This is some “I will film some non-announcement on a rooftop and hos will call in sick to work to watch it” shit. I bet right after Beyonce burped up how great being a vegan is, her personal drone delivered the Double-Double her assistant ordered from an In-N-Out in Austin, TX and her stylist asked her if she wants to wear the rhino leather jumpsuit or the red panda fur culottes.
And the Beyhive was mad at their God for a second:
Beyoncé: I have an announcement Hive: OMFG A TOUR???? ALBUM?????? Beyoncé: Y'all fat lol
— mer. (@theonewithbey) June 8, 2015
But I’m sure they have already forgiven her and will get up early next week when Beyonce announces on Today that she took a shit.
As usual, Cupcake the fluffy white purse dog is expressing our thoughts about these two by making a glazed-over look.
If Pimp Mama Kris wasn’t a greedy, selfish momager™ who wants to be the only one in the pimp mama game, she’d try to squeeze out a tear over one of her own parting ways with their ho. Krista Keller, the pimp mom on the left who has the looks of a plastic Lynne Spears and the evil soul of PMK, announced to UsWeekly today that she has quit being Courtney Stodden’s manager. Krista blamed “creative differences” for the reason why she’ll no longer have the title “Manager To The Porn Iguana” on her business card. In other words, letting her 16-year-old marry a 50-year-old was no big deal, but a staged sex tape was just too, too much.
If you’re an underage teenage girl who has always dreamed of marrying a 50-something has-been actor with a face like an unmasked Michael Myers, don’t worry. Krista is looking for new hos to manage and she also plans to help her husband with his Christian site. There’s a Duggar joke somewhere in there. Here’s Pimp Mama Krista’s hilarious break-up statement.
“On May 22 I resigned as Courtney’s manager/momager. I love my daughter very much, but I decided to step down due to serious creative differences.
I will also be on the lookout for people that I would like to manage to help them reach their goals in the entertainment industry. I plan to use my time now to help my husband, Reggie, with his Christian website called PowerSharing.com, which is a ministry to uplift and inspire others to follow their dreams through faith.”
But seriously, my guess is that their “creative differences” were really over the direction of Courtney Stodden’s porn. Krista probably wanted Courtney to really go for it by doing a DP creampie gang bang porn while the Porn Iguana wanted to start out slow. Haven’t we all had those kind of “creative differences” with our mom?
I was going to have an 8th cup of coffee (aka non-organic, peon coffee beans that didn’t come out of the ass of a weasel cat in Indonesia) with a spoonful of Coffee-Mate (aka processed toxic powder), but now I don’t need it! Nothing gives me a quick pick-me-up like reading what Goopy Paltrow has to say about diet and stuff. It’s eyeball calisthenics time!
It was only two years ago when Goopy wrote about how her family is allergic to everything so they stay away from carbs, dairy and chicken eggs and sometimes it leaves their stomachs singing the chorus of Annie Lenox’s Why. But since Goopy is still trying to convince us all that she doesn’t think she’s better than everyone, she has come down from her sky high ivory tower to mingle with us McDonald’s-eating peasants and let us know that sometimes her children eat the same dumpster food we do and it’s okay. During an interview with Women’s Health (via People and UsWeekly), the failed poor person gooped at the mouth about her diet philosophy and also said that one of the keys to living a healthy life is to get her goop hole gooped as much as possible.
Right after Vivid Entertainment said that it had seen the Porn Iguana’s jack-off tape and had shot a $1 million offer into her lizard palms, she did what most fame whore messes do when they have a sex tape coming out. She screamed about how her privacy had been violated, the tape was stolen and she was going to sue Vivid to stop the release and blah blah blah blah. (Save the dick yanking for your next sex tape, Porn Iguana.) Courtney Stodden even cried out glycerine tears of manufactured sadness in front of the paps. “Amateur!” said Pimp Mama Kris who perfected the “leaked sex tape” game.
If Courtney really didn’t want the tape out, she’d just not sign the rights over to Vivid. But that’s too logical for her. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that she has no choice but to take Vivid’s offer. She claims that one of her best friends (Dourtney, probably) double-crossed her by stealing the tape and has made several copies of it. Instead of screaming for the FBI to arrest that sex tape thief, she made a deal with Vivid.
Courtney should probably use a piece of that $1 million to have the pasty, creepy-faced wart (aka her husband Doug Hutchison) removed from her ass for good, but TMZ says that she’s not going to spend any of the money on herself. Beneath that 50 gallons of silicone is a heart made of pure gold. The Porn Iguana tells TMZ that the entire $1 million is going to charity. She’s not sure which charity yet, but she says she wants to help animals and kids with cancer.
But seriously, what a true saint she is. Not only is Courtney the Goddess of Natural Beauty, but she’s the Goddess of Charity. She is healing the world one sex tape finger bang at a time. When Courtney opens up her animal charity called Courtney’s Organization for Canines and Kittens (or COCK for short) and declares that she will be the CEO of the foundation and will pay herself a $999,9999 salary, Pope Francis better saint her!
Dr. Oz has been doing the damage control shuffle hard this week after a group of doctors sent a letter to Columbia University, calling for him to be dropped from the faculty, because he’s full of banana-shaped shits and would gladly tell his disciples that Coke is a miracle weight-loss elixir if Coca-Cola gave him a big enough check. The group basically said that he’s the Wizard of Oz with a medical license. They slammed his ass for shitting on GMOs, turning his nose up at “evidence-based medicine” and promoting “quick treatments” for money. Well, Dr. Oz has greased up his face with Crisco (Vaseline lost the bidding war to be his fightin’ lube of choice) and stuck Gillette razors (yup, they won the bidding war against Schick) in his hair, because he’s fighting back.
In case you didn’t know by the fact that Giuliana Rancic’s face is all over the news (and by the “news” I mean The Daily Mail and People since that’s pretty much “the news” to me), she’s been hitting the ho stroll harder than usual because she’s pimping out her third book called Going Off Script: How I Survived a Crazy Childhood, Cancer, and Clooney’s 32 On-Screen Rejections. Yes, she has more than one book, because everyone is dying to know every single thing about the life of a professional “What Are You Wearing?” asker. Because Giuliana needed some shit for her book, she dusted off a 10+ year old cheating rumor and threw it in.
Giuliana and Jerry O’Connell bumped nipples in the early aughts and she writes that he passed his peen to another twice before dumping her. According to Page Six, Giuliana writes that things between her and Jerry were heart-shaped queefs and rainbows until he cheated on her with Ginger Spice.
“I was being two-timed for one of the lesser Spices?” she writes. Confronted, O’Connell told her, “ ‘Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.’ He had as much emotion as the customer-service representative who tells you your bags missed the flight.”
They broke up for a second, but got back together. That lasted about as long as a fried Twinkie casserole in front of Mama June’s face. Giuliana claims that Jerry quit her for good after meeting his now wife of 8 years Rebecca Romjin at a party in Vegas.
O’Connell wandered off. “Little did I know he was in the VIP area, talking up Rebecca. As a prelude to feeling up Rebecca.”
A week later, he departed for Las Vegas and stopped returning her calls. When she confronted him at his home, he refused to buzz her up.
“Nope. Sorry, homegirl,” he said, ending their relationship with: “Things change, but you take care, OK?”
Dumping a trick via a building intercom is like making someone come in on a Friday morning just so you can fire them. But the image of Jerry dropping that “sorry, homegirl” line on her after she tried to get him to buzz her in has taken me up, up and away.
And Giuliana’s ass needs to be taken away and jailed immediately for that ignorant “lesser spice” comment. Bitch needs more education! Ginger Spice isn’t the lesser Spice, because there are no lesser Spices. Choosing a lesser Spice Girl is like choosing a lesser of the Shiba Inu 6. It’s not possible! (But if I had to, I’d choose Sporty Spice. Fuck, here comes the screaming.) When I read that Giuliana accused Jerry of cheating on her with a lesser Spice, I pictured her walking in on him fucking a jar of dill seeds.
Here’s Giuliana whoring out her book for the paps in NYC today.
Don’t Even Think Of Going Near George Clooney’s Lake Como Villa Unless You Want To Be Hit With A $550 Fine
Roberto Pozzi, the mayor of Laglio, Italy, has let the paparazzi, fans and other unwanted tricks (see: Sarah Larson looking for a loan) know that the land around George Clooney’s villas in Lake Como are now protected by the law and if a bitch so much as touches the sacred grounds around Villa d’Smuggy, they could be slapped down with a €500 fine. I would post pictures of George Clooney’s villas, but if I did and you looked at them, you could find a bill for $550 in your inbox.
The Telegraph says that Mayor Roberto Pozzi issued an ordinance stating that anyone who gets out of their car or boat while within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be labeled dirty trespassers and could face a €500 fine. George and Amal Clooney are reportedly going to spend a piece of their summer in Lake Como, so the mayor wants to make sure that nobody bothers them. The mayor issued a similar ordinance last year.
Oh, THE RICH and THE FAMOUS! They get the mayor to issue an ordinance that keeps away pesky tricks while us peasants have to have to shut out mouths and crawl around on the floor while waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking at our front door to get the hint and go away.
The paparazzi must be so confused and hurt over George kicking them in the asshole like this. They miss the happier days of his STUNT QUEEN wedding extravaganza in Venice when his publicist would give them the exact location of his whereabouts. They were there for him then and this is how he repays them?! Hurtful and rude! But seriously, I doubt a fine is going to keep the paps away. If the mayor really wants the paps to stay away, he should issue an ordinance stating that anyone who steps foot within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be thrown into a jail cell where they will be forced to watch Batman & Robin while sober. Not even the damn roaches and rats would go near his villas.
Members of the pro-shorts army better put on their best pair of scrappin’ shorts and get ready for another battle, because Natalie Portman has joined Fran Lebowitz in the war against shorts. GOOP’S ambassador to France Natalie Portman did an interview with the Wisconsin Gazette (via Bustle and Lainey) to promote some Miss Dior shit and her movie Knight of Cups, and she got into talking about what it’s like living in Paris with her twirling ballet dancer husband and their son Aleph. When Natalie Portman skips down the street in Paris singing “Bonjour, Paree!” from Funny Face (which you know she does because trick thinks she’s our modern day Audrey Hepburn) with a baguette in her arms and a beret on her head, she doesn’t have to worry about her eyes being hit with the sight of French legs sprouting out of tacky shorts. Le trashé!
It’s so interesting to plunge into another culture and experience a different way of living. The city is so rich in terms of the architecture, the bookshops you find at every corner, the way everyone dresses so well. No Parisian ever walks around in shorts and even the children look very chic (laughs).
The closest I’ve been to being in Paris is the time I ate French onion soup and a crow-sawnt at a Mimi’s Cafe outside of Lake Perris, CA, so I have no idea if she’s dribbling out the truth or not. But I do wish that Parisians would secretly gather together and agree to wear shorts on the same day. Natalie’s mind would be blown across the Atlantic. I’m not sure if I totally believe Natalie, because one of my style icons is French and his ass is always SANS PANTS!
Explain that, Natalie!
Here’s Natalie with her son last year and yes, she’s wearing cut-offs, but it’s okay since these pictures were taken in the uncouth land of déclassé known as L.A. When in Paris, don’t wear shorts! When in L.A. , look like trash!