Category: Girlfriend Please

Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult  and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.

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And Blake NotSoLively’s “OhMyGawd I Am Getting So Damn Fat” Phase Begins….

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Blake Lively’s baby bump made its red carpet debut at the God’s Love We Deliver Golden Heart Awards in NYC last night. (Yes, I hate the shit out of myself for typing that sentence.) Blake proved that the only things you need to make a stunning maternity gown are a bunch of pairs of saggy granny hose you curated from vintage lingerie stores, artisanal glitter and homemade glue. If this was Preserve.us, I’d describe that dress as looking like a redolent field of lavender flowers harmoniously pirouetting through the pellucid air as the spry wind titillates their petals. Actually, I think I’ve written that same sentence when talking about Shauna Sand’s twat.

Because she’s the fashion icon of our time, the future mommy blogger of your nightmares (and my dreams because think of the gold foolery she’s going to deliver) was asked by People what her “pregnancy style” is going to be. Blake is just going to take ten yards of Spandex, cut a hole for her head in it, throw it over her body and call it a day. Ten yards of Spandex is the only thing that will fit her fatty fatty fat fat fucking fatty fat fat body. If Blake keeps getting so big, she’ll have to turn Preserve.us into a blog about jam.

“Have you seen me?!” the expectant actress joked to PEOPLE of her growing baby belly.

“I’m gonna amp up my style by wearing things that are stretchier,” the one-time Gossip Girl star, who wore an oleander and lilac embroidered stretch tulle gown from the Michael Kors Resort 2015 collection, told PEOPLE. “Because that’s all that fits!”

I am seeing you, Blake, and your belly looks the way my bloated gut would if I went on a 10-day laxative fast, did crunches 3 hours a day and spent a few hours sitting in that I Love Lucy sauna. But you know, Blake truly is a fashion icon who gives great fashion advice. I was just about to write Hanes and beg them to please make empire waist t-shirts for men, but now I know that covering my gut with stretchy stuff is the way to go. I can totally wear that Spandex tank top in my drawer now.

Pics: Wenn.com

Brad Pitt Doesn’t Have A Soul And It’s The Paparazzi’s Fault

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

RIP that field of greens. Because 30 minutes after this picture was taken, those greens were nothing but ash in Brad Pitt’s bong.

Brad Pitt is on the cover of Details to whore out that movie whose title I always read as Furry (Side note: What the world really needs is a war movie starring Furries) and he gets deep. Well, as deep as Brad Pitt can go. Brad takes a page out of Kristen Stewart’s Book of Deep Thoughts by saying that the soul-stealing paparazzi are stealing his bliss and he also farts at the mouth about how he’s not a shitty dad.

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Working Mother Goopy Paltrow Demands Equal Pay For All

October 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking frazzled, worn out and tired after spending 10 long minutes telling the weekday morning chef how to properly make a quinoa, flaxseed and cloudberry breakfast tart for Apple and Moses (the plight of a working mother), Goopy Paltrow hosted a Democratic National Committee Fundraiser in the backyard of the Haus of GOOP in Brentwood last night. When she wasn’t GOOPing in her $900 French silk chonies over President Obama, she continued to be the Norma Rae of our time by fighting for the working class!

Buzzfeed says that 250 guests, including Julia Roberts and Bradley Whitford, paid anywhere from $1,000 to $32,400 to watch President Obama speak. Actually, I don’t think anybody “watched” him speak since their eyeballs rolled onto their freshly baked wood-burned pizzalets when Goopy Paltrow mouth farted out her usual shit while introducing him. Ever since Goopy got an ocean full of diarrhea dropped on her for saying that she, a famous millionaire, has it so much harder than regular 9 to 5 working moms, she’s been pedaling hard on the damage control cycle. While introducing Obama last night, Goopy pulled a Goopy. via the NYDN

Paltrow cited sustainable energy efforts as well as Obama’s push for equal pay, which she called ‘Very important to me as a working mother.’”

Bitch always has to find a way to GOOP it up. She was fine until she threw in “as a working mother.” Goopy really knows the trials and tribulations of your average working mother. I mean, Goopy has to shoot one whole film a year to pay all the au pairs, chefs, chauffeurs, tutors, nutritionists, acupuncturists and butlers who take care of her two children. The other day, Goopy had to tell her contractor to do the pool in Capri in Carrara marble instead of crushed diamond tiles because she has to cut the budget. Goopy is barely making ends meet! Do something about this, Obama!

Goopy then gushed from every orifice as she flirted with Obama. Buzzfeed says these words came out of her mouth:

- “I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.

- “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”

- “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”

Um, but does she ever speak properly? Since the sight of Obama makes Goopy almost speechless, we now know that the quickest way to get her to shut the fuck up is to show her a picture of Obama.

Goopy Paltrow Is Really “Psyched” That Martha Stewart Sees Her As Competition

October 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Because I want to post this Mona Lisa of GIFS as much as possible, this is what Martha Stewart did to Goopy Paltrow a few weeks ago:

leamichelejessicalangeshadegif

The Grand Dame of Verbal Shade and the self-proclaimed inventor of lifestyle’n basically pulled some “Stay in your lane, bitch” shit on Goopy Paltrow when she was asked what she thinks of Goopy trying to be the new her. Martha wrapped her prison bitch grip around the mop of straw on Goopy’s head, dragged her to a chair and pushed her bony ass into it by saying, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.

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Being A Father Makes Brad Pitt, A Rich Man, Feel Like The Richest Man Alive

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

I see Psychologies Magazine subtly coming at newlywed Brad Pitt by putting that “Why do you really want to get married?” cover line next to him.

In case you didn’t already know, Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have kids. Like some people who have kids, they love their kids and really, really, REALLY, really love talking about how much they love their kids. Brangie is that bitch on Facebook who posts cheesy open poems to their baby who can’t read yet and always goes on about how they’re thinking of having their angel son’s DNA tested because they’re beginning to think he’s the biological child of the sun, moon and stars. But since St. Angie and Brad aren’t on Facebook (that us peons know of)  they have to drool about being parents during interviews. The world is their Facebook.

While talking to Psychologies Magazine (via E! News) about his new movie Fury, Brad Pitt dribbled out verbal streams of syrupy love about being a father.

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Ariana Grande Latte Says That Being Compared To Mariah Carey Is A “Great Honor” (Uh Huh)

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen here doing lazy Butterfly-era Bratz doll drag, Ariana Grande (aka Frankie Grande’s mega mega pop star sister) recently told Us Weekly that even though there’s a rumor going around that simply uttering the name Mariah Carey around her precious mega pop star ears will make her jump you from behind and try to choke you out with her polyester ponytail, it’s totally not true! Her Royal Highness Princess Ponytail loves Mariah Carey and she loves when you refer to her as the bratty low-budget mall version of Mimi!

“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a little girl. I’ve even done a cover of one of her songs. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to one of the greatest vocalists of all time. It’s honestly a great honor.”

I hope Weavearella has a good dentist, because she probably broke 7 teeth clenching her jaw too hard when she said that. “It. Is. A. Great. Honor (crunch crunch crunch).” But really, there’s no way that’s actually what Ariana Grande said. It’s not dripping with entitled polyester cunt fumes and arrogant baby stripper smugness. It’s like a bad translation. Thankfully I’m fluent in Toddler Bullshit, so this is probably closer to what she originally said:

“Mariah has been a huge influence on me since I was a lil’ sexy fetus practicing my stripper moves in my mom’s womb, aka she is super old. I’ve covered one of her songs, but just one, because I’d feel bad upgrading everything she’s ever done. I don’t think there are any negatives to being compared to her, but then again, I haven’t really given it much thought, because I’m too busy being a mega mega pop star.”

There, that sounds more like her! All that’s missing is the Baby Lucifer look in her eyes that says “Oh, you WILL pay for asking me about she-who-must-not-be-named. FRANKIE! Come here and bring a balaclava that will fit over all your dumb hair – I have a job for you.

Paula Deen Is A Changed Woman, Y’all!

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I should’ve warned you in my headline and I hope it’s not too late, but do not stare directly at the maniacal double twinkle in Paula Deen’s eyes or your soul will emulsify and spend the rest of eternity stuck in her arteries.

After Paula Deen’s Kingdom of Butter crumbled, melted and dripped down into the gutter last year when all that racist stuff she did and said came out, she took her Country Crock tears to Today and delivered a melodramatic, theatrical performance where she cried as though she was auditioning for a novella and painted herself as the martyr of all martyrs. I expected Paula to stick herself to a cross made of mantequilla and sing “The Crucifixion” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, the second leg (or is it the third?) of Paula’s national apology tour started up again this morning on Today.

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Sarah Palin Defends Her Family After Trashy Hot Alaskan Brawl

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!

I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!

See this from Bristol:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2014/09/my-parents-divorce/

- Sarah Palin

Work ethic.”

Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ‘em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.

Pic: Facebook

Ariana Grande Latte Responds To The Diva Bitch Rumors, Uses The Word “Love” At Least 100 Times While Doing So

September 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Ariana Grande, the rabid Yorkie who shape-shifted into a diabolical wig with eyes, responded on Twitter yesterday to the rumors that she’s an evil demon fetus who wishes death upon her fans and is such a demanding asshole that she makes her diva idol Mimi seem like a reasonable and humble butterfly. Scooter Braun’s newest monster spilled out a Twitter stream filled with emojis, the word “love” and a quote from Rent. Ariana’s little fans (you know, the ones whose graves she wants to dance on) might think her tweets are cute and sweet and ~genuine~, but us growns know better. Ariana’s tweets are like a pentagram drawn in blood and covered with rainbow glitter and puppy stickers. They might seem fakely sweet and cute on the surface, but there’s a whole lot of dark-sidedness beneath them. The future serial killer’s tweets are after the cut, because there’s a lot of them.

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