Category: Girlfriend Please

FYI: Tom Cruise Is Still In Love With The “Beautiful Religion” That Is Scientology

October 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Late last year, The Telegraph said that Tom Cruise was selling his estate near Scientology’s headquarters in England. That news made nearly everyone tape their windows up, because we knew that David Miscavige would holler out a glass-breaking scream if Scientology’s reigning Jesus quit that bitch. Little Lord Davey isn’t going to bruise his vocal cords from screaming over Tommy leaving anytime soon. Because at the London premiere of Jack Reach Around 2 last week, Scientology’s prince farted out nothing but sweet talk about his beautiful religion.

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Don’t Let The Look Of Undying Happiness Fool You, Anne Hathaway Is Really Sad Here

October 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Back in 2013, most of the internet made fun of forever theater kid Anne Hathaway for laying down the blueprint for Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s extra thirsty Oscar campaign by hustling like her puppy got kidnapped and she needed to win that gold man statue so she could pawn it and pay her pooch’s ransom. Anne’s level 10 campaign hustling paid off and when she finally got her hands around the little gold man that danced in her dreams every night, she caused the Guinness World record for simultaneous eye rolls to break when she said, “It came truuuuueeeee.” Anne is now saying that her whole happy act during her speech was nothing but a lie!

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Goopy Paltrow Claims She Stopped Being An Asshole After Her Dad Called Her One

October 11, 2016 / Posted by:

We are all that disgusted memaw and pepaw, because how would we be able to continue to shop at a grocery store where Goopy Paltrow’s freshly colonic’d ass probably leaked goop all over the checkout conveyor belt? But then again, I doubt Goopy would dare put her 22-year-old stripper ass on a conveyor belt covered with preservatives-filled peasant germs! So either Goopy was Photoshopped into that Greenpoint grocery store, or that counter was brand new and was ripped out after the shoot because she didn’t want her regal essence anywhere near that dreadful emporium of inedible commoner foods!

During an interview with Samantha Bee for Harper’s Bazaar, Goopy said that the Goopy Paltrow of today is much less of an asshole than the Goopy Paltrow of 17 years ago. Yes, Goopy used to be worse, but Bruce Paltrow saved us all.

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Donald Trump’s Campaign Claims That Melania Trump Didn’t Mean To Troll Last Night, Uh Huh….

October 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When Bill Clinton shook Melania Trump’s hand before the second presidential debate last night, he probably wondered why he was suddenly hit with a major urge to fuck her blouse bow with a cigar, and now he knows why. Melania’s hot pink blouse cost $1,100, it was made by Gucci and it’s called the “Pussy-bow” shirt. Most of the time, I hate this election, but it’s beautiful moments like this that make me love it for one quick second.

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Make Way For The Lamb Stampede: Miley Cyrus Talked Shit About Mariah Carey

September 28, 2016 / Posted by:

When you think of Miley Cyrus, you immediately have to rinse your mouth out with industrial-strength Listerine since the taste of chipmunk smegma covers your tongue. But after you do that and think of Miley Cyrus again, you think of a serious artiste who is all about the art and her voice and isn’t at all about gimmicks or herself or what she’s wearing. Miley Cyrus thinks that of Miley Cyrus too! And Miley Cyrus is the complete opposite of Mariah Carey.

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The Alien Lizard King Interviewed Tom Hiddleston And Refused To Ask About “A Certain Someone”

September 28, 2016 / Posted by:

The two main clit-tinglers of Tumblr got together for a conversation for Interview magazine, and they pretty much stayed away from talking about personal crap. Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston licking each other’s crumpet holes while talking about the business of movie making is even less thrilling and riveting than an interview between wet paint and the wall it’s drying on. You probably didn’t read any of that since it’s kind of hard to read while you’re squinting from laughing so hard at Tom trying to serve up “Patrick Bateman’s serial-killing protégé” sinisterness in that picture above. Oh, Tommy, stop playing. Those photo-ops with Taylor Swift are scarier and more sinister than this shit.

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