Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”
Gillian Anderson’s dry ass Scully wig has been trying to peacefully die in its sleep yet they keep snatching the poor thing out of its box and making it get to work. With the new, new season having just begun, Gillian would like everyone to know that she’s #teamfreethewig and doesn’t want it, or her, to come back ever again. According to TVInsider, Gillian already said that she’s ready to move on and that season 11 would be her last but nobody wanted to believe (and here I thought fans of The X-Files were all about that belief life). So she’s restated her position in no uncertain terms.
The trailer for the eleventh season of FOX’s The X-Files is out. The series, whose initial run ended in 2002, returned in 2016 with six new episodes that proved to be a hit. Speaking as an X-Phile, they were pretty good to me (except for whatever Joel McHale was doing)!
Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Fox has ordered another season of the limited series version of The X-Files. The revival that premiered in January last year had six episodes; this second season will have 10. Not surprisingly, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will be back as Mulder and Scully. Creator Chris Carter will be back as executive producer. It will air sometime during the 2017-2018 season. Both David and Gillian confirmed the news on Twitter yesterday.
— Gillian Anderson (@GillianA) April 21, 2017
The President of Fox released this statement about choosing to pick up The X-Files again.
“Iconic characters, rich storytelling, bold creators – these are the hallmarks of great TV shows. And they are some of the reasons why The X-Files has had such a profound impact on millions of fans worldwide. Chris’ creativity, along with the brilliant work of David and Gillian, continue to propel this pop culture phenomenon, and we can’t wait to see what fresh mysteries Mulder and Scully uncover in this next chapter of The X-Files.”
Basically, “DUH, of course we renewed it. The fans would watch Mulder and Scully watch paint dry.” But also because those last six episodes were pretty good to me. Now that we know for sure that we’re getting another installment of The X-Files, I hope this means they’ll solve the important mystery from last season. No, I’m not talking about (SPOILER ALERT) if Mulder will be saved by William’s DNA. We need to know if Gillian will wear that sad lifeless wig again. The truth is out there!
Not pictured: Volunteers from UNICEF who are standing by with jugs and waiting for Salma Hayek’s suffocating tits to explode so they can collect her miracle chichi leche and feed it to dozens of starving orphans.
Last night in London, Salma Hayek went to something called The Evening Standard Theatre Awards and I bet that the people who went to that event couldn’t even tell you who won awards or what happened. The only thing they remember is Salma Hayek’s squeezed honeydew titty sacks. Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis will make a ho forget everything.
Thanks to that ugly clown collar, Salma’s tits look like two face-less babies in bonnets sleeping next to each other. They also look like overfilled water balloons lying on a table and the next time I’m at a family party and see overfilled water balloons lying on a table, I’ll have to resist the urge to motorboat them.
And here’s more pictures of Salma Hayek’s TITS as well as pictures of Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Kate Beckinsale and Ralph Fine-ass looking like the most charming flasher ever.
Excuse me, but I need a moment to wipe away the various bodily fluids that started seeping out of me (drool, tears, random down-low liquids) after my eyes gazed upon the glorious sight of a still-can-get-it David Duchovny respectfully mouth humping on Gillian Anderson. Normally I’d call Gillian a fool for not grabbing his face with both hands and shoving her tongue deep enough into his throat that she could play his trachea like a xylophone, but Gillian is clearly more of a lady than I am. “Understatement” just hissed every one who knows my trashy ass.
The reason for Mulder and Scully’s mini X-Files reunion was to celebrate the release of David’s debut album Hell or Highwater in New York last night. Gillian hopped up on stage with David to sing a duet of “Helpless”, and that’s why the person in your office with the I WANT TO BELIEVE poster is currently sobbing in the bathroom. It’s not bad; it’s basically what I imagine it would sound like if Mulder and Scully got drunk after work on questionable alien wine and hit up a karaoke bar.
Obviously Gillian and David’s duet and subsequent kiss could all just be some pre-planned stunt queen moves to drum up attention for his album or get people hyperventilating about that upcoming X-Files reboot, but I don’t care. Watching Mulder and Scully pre-fuck (isn’t that what kissing is, really?) is like nerd Christmas. But just like regular Christmas, I didn’t get what I really wanted out of that performance: hot daddy Walter Skinner entering from stage right without a shirt on and tearing shit up with a sexy harmonica solo.