Katy Perry Isn’t Performing At The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, Because She’s Reportedly Been Banned From China
The upcoming Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was supposed to be a taste of the Far East that most of us figured would turn into a wildly offensive display of cultural appropriation with the likes of the Hadid sisters strutting down the catwalk in nighties made of fortune cookies or whatever the VS designers could come up with to remind us they’re filming from China. Alas, at the rate they’re going, the only person China will allow in to strut and perform is Taylor Swift (“Mission accomplished!” –Taylor Swift). Continue reading
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
Every year, drama-filled fashionistas like to write about the meanie designers who make them wait around like the rest of us do any given day at the DMV. Because he is never to be outdone, Kanye West kind of took it to the max last year by making everyone pass out waiting for his collection to show on Roosevelt Island. This year, it was designer Alexander Wang’s turn. Page Six reports he hosted his show in a Brooklyn alley because, gurrrrl, have you seen what rent is like in Manhattan these days?!
Although Gigi Hadid and Joe Jonas weren’t together all that long and seemed to have an amicable break-up, the JoBro warbler appeared to be a little peeved when he was interviewed after Gigi started canoodling with a One Directioner. He sat down with the Daily Mirror in 2016 and said, “I think it’s interesting that she moved on so quickly, I mean it was definitely very quick.”
Welp, fast forward a year, and the Supermodel/”Bitch of the moment” Gigi is on the cover of the August issue of American Vogue with boyfriend Zayn Malik looking like some plaid reboot of Victor/Victoria.
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
The cover of Vogue’s March issue features “Fashion’s Fearless Females.” That’s their words. Most notable among the skinny Vogue regulars, like the Bitches of the Moment Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid, is Cheryl Tiegs’ favorite model, Ashley Graham. Ashley has appeared on the cover of British Vogue, but this is her first time on the cover of American Vogue.
Anna Wintour probably thought she was going to be greeted with a wall of applause for putting a non-skinny like Ashley on the cover with the rest of the low-BMI club. Except that her nomination for 2017’s biggest humanitarian award was replaced with people accusing Vogue of trying to make Ashley look skinnier. After people screamed and made the sign of the cross at Gigi’s extra long demon alien hand, they wondered why all the other models got to pose with their arms bent like 1980s Barbies while Ashley had to rest hers on her leg. Ashley Graham has an explanation about that arm situation.