Category: Get The Q-Tip

Presenting The Lady Who Regularly Gave A Horny Dolphin A Handjob

June 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, the 1960s were a simpler time when NASA used LSD to get dolphins to speak English and researchers regularly jerked dolphin leche out of dolphins. Dolphins getting hand jobs and free LSD? What Charlie Sheen wouldn’t give to be a dolphin in the 60s.

In the BBC documentary “The Girl Who Talked To Dolphins” (more like “The Girl Who Jacked Off Flipper’s Relatives“), former NASA researcher Margaret Howe Lovatt talks about how in the 1960s she was a part of some experiment where dolphins were sometimes shot up with LSD to learn how to speak to humans. Margaret got close to a dolphin named Peter and she got real close to Peter’s peter. Peter was a horny teenage trick and would always rub himself on Margaret’s body. After a while, Margaret just went with it and helped that horny dolphin get off and that may or may not have involved dirty dolphin talk (example: “eeeee eeeee ee eee eee ee eeee”). via the NYDN (via Gawker)

“Peter liked to be … with me. He would rub himself on my knee, my foot or my hand and I allowed that. I wasn’t uncomfortable — as long as it wasn’t too rough. It was just easier to incorporate that and let it happen, it was very precious and very gentle, Peter was right there, he knew that I was right there. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch, just get rid of that scratch and we would be done and move on.”

She’s not right for comparing it to an itch, because when I get an itch and scratch it, I don’t end up with a handful of dolphin jizz. But thank you, BBC, for letting me know that dolphins are getting more action than me.

I wonder if at any point Margaret looked at Horny Peter’s open-mouthed, excited dolphin face as he humped her thigh the same way Justin Bieber humps the thigh of a trick when he can’t find her coochie and thought to herself, “I work for NASA and I am a humanized dolphin hump toy. I am living the dream.” And somewhere Pimp Mama Kris is thinking to herself, “Pfft! Big deal! My girls once sucked off all the Dolphins and you don’t see them starring in a BBC documentary about it. Hmmm, that gives me an idea.

Here’s the clip of Margaret remembering the time a dolphin humped her.

Since we’re on the subject of serious science stuff, does anyone know where I can go to remove the part of my brain that thought it was a good idea to Google “dolphin porn” for this highly important story?

Justin Bieber Is Butch

October 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Another day, another desperate attempt by Justin Bieber to try to butch up his image and convince us all that he’s not a lipstick lesbian.  Lipgloss always, lipstick NEVAH!  Unless it’s Wet’N’Wild frosted cotton candy pink, guuuurl.  So the Daily Mail reports that the bad ass (or really, just ass) went to a strip club where he apparently touched a stripper’s nalgas.  Putting hands on bare real lady flesh!! They grow up so fast.

He was hanging with his entourage at Club V Live in Houston with topless strippers, and no way were the other girls going to show him up, so of course he got topless too.  Everybody got their titties out!  Sounds like a typical Thanksgiving dinner at my house.  And like my house, turkey has by far the best looking breast to offer.

It looks like it was a wild staying up past bedtime night.  TMZ has exclusive pics of Biebs with a Dos Equis in hand at Nox Houston earlier in the evening but since it’s illegal for toddlers 19 year olds to drink, I’m sure he was just holding it for his bodyguard.  So Texas will arrest Willie Nelson for smoking the good shit but is okay with kids getting their drank on??  Heinous.  Anyway, they moved the party to the strip club where Justin pretended to be liquored up off of one beer and started groping half naked booty.

The stripper tweeted ‘He touched my ass I almost fainted [sic],’ @DiamondsR4ever. The truth is she almost fainted from shock when Pedobear and the feds didn’t come cart her ass to jail for letting little boys bad touch her.  Or maybe the fumes off of Justin’s whole-bottle-of-Dippity-Do head made her woozy.

With a handful of hiney (“I’m never washing this hand again!” – Justin “Um, seriously, here’s some Purell” – the stripper) and a fresh Shirley Temple, Justin partied into the night, throwing dollah dollah bills y’all at the ladies and there are a few grainy ass pictures below.  WE GET IT BIEBS, you’re all growed up and you only wear diapers now because it’s cool and not because you can’t make a pee pee in the potty yet.

In the last year or so, he’s gone from being Walt Disney‘s wettest dream to partying with strippers, pissing in mop buckets, spitting on fans, and most douchetastic of all having his bodyguards carry him onto the Great Wall of China without even using his Baby Bjorn.  In other words, he’s grown from a snotty entitled little brat to a snotty entitled little man.  Now I get why Toby Sheldon totally wants to be him.

Pics via Daily Mail

Welcome To John Travolta’s Heaven

July 11, 2013 / Posted by:

If that picture was a postcard, it’d be addressed to Tommy Girl and it’d say, “You wish you were here, bitch!”

Like Paula Deen at a slavery-themed wedding, John Travolta was filled with pure potent happiness yesterday when he spread his legs and got down next to some topless dudes while shooting a commercial in Rio for a Brazilian brand of booze called Ypióca. Everybody on that beach in Rio now knows what fried Thetans smell like. Because all the Thetans on John Travolta’s itchy itchy anus burned up and exploded when he got hot while being the cheese in that hot piece panini peenini. Yes, that crap on John Travolta’s chin looks like a beaver’s taint (that the closest he’ll ever get to having a beaver on his chin), but he’s living the wet dream. XENU IS GOOD!

“Rollin’ to the music and shakin’ real fast. Bend over backwards, make me shout. And work that pussy, in and out!

Pics: Splash

Demi “Topper” Moore Is Still Living The Life

January 10, 2013 / Posted by:

While Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis shuffled around like two miserable blobs in sweatpants, Demi Moore shook her ass to “Buss It Wide Open” on top of a rattan ottoman next to a pool at a resort in Tulum, Mexico! While Ashton and Mila stared at each other across the eating table while slowly chewing their dinner of rubbery fish, Demi shook a can of Corona, opened it up and then sprayed beer all over her tits for the boys! While Ashton and Mila had missionary sex during commercial breaks for Nightline, Demi wore out her cougar coochie by hopping on young dick after young dick. Yes, Demi is getting it and how!

Some source tells Star (via Radar) that Demi spent Christmas week at a weight-loss bootcamp in Tulum, Mexico. The source says that the bootcamp was held at a fancy resort and usually successful women in their 30s and 40s go there to get spiritual and shit, but Demi went there to get some peen. One guest said that Demi brought many a young dude back to her room and woke up the entire resort with her loud cougar cries of ecstasy.

“Demi was clearly after younger men on this trip; they were all about 28 to 33. There were three or four older guys staying at the resort, fifty-plus, and I don’t think she talked to them at all.”

Demi is obviously just following Mexico’s official country motto: “Don’t Drink The Water, But Do Ride The Young Dick.”

The source (who is probably a 50-plus dude) also said that Demi wanted everybody to call her “Topper.”

“Demi wanted to be addressed by the name ‘Topper,’ an esoteric reference to a 1937 Cary Grant film in which a man lives his life to the fullest. Demi almost came across as, I wouldn’t go as far as to say bipolar, but up and down. Her back-and-forth behavior just kind of killed the mood.”

Topper didn’t come from a Cary Grant movie. Topper is what Ashton used to call Demi whenever he wanted her to peg him. And this source sounds bitter. The source shouldn’t hate Demi just because they were on a weight-loss vacation and she was on a dick-gain fuckation. They should know that it’s always spring break in Demi’s world.

Rhianna Is A Classy Ho

December 24, 2012 / Posted by:

Oh, RiRi, I can’t quite see your bits. SLUT FAIL. This is a picture Rhianna tweeted of herself on her weekend in Barbados.

TMZ has more pics, and you can check them out. The point is that RiRi is more fabulous and has less class than the rest of us!! Thank you RiRi, for both your love of being half nekkid and your dedication to making me feel like a true lady in comparison. It takes a lot to upstage me, and I bow low in your slutty wake.

So today, my mom got onto me for being all about Dlisted and not about my kids at Christmastime. Looking at these pics of RiRi, I don’t feel so bad. Sorry Mom. And sorry kids, you will have to deal with EVERYTHING YOU WANTED PLUS SOME on Christmas morning. But at least I don’t have my ass hanging out for the world to see. You’re welcome, kids.

Try not to hate as you try and fail to reenact this glorious moment for your S.O. Leg zit sold separately.

He Put A Ring On It

August 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston can finally take “Single Ladies” off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. “You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!” And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren’t fireworks from Jen’s chocha. No, it’s a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters’ heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses’ minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I’m not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don’t freak out,that’s right, I said I have no shade. It’s okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven’t had it in awhile.

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