It’s been over two months since Anna Faris and Chris Pratt announced that the love story between the human equivalents of a high-energy pom and a dopey golden retriever was over after eight years of marriage. Since then, Chris has been filming movies and working on his relationship with Jesus, and Anna has jumped back into the dating world.
If you’ve been wondering what Amber Heard has been up to since the unceremonious end of her relationship with Elon Musk, here’s an update, and it’s kind of a random one.
The Daily Mail says that 58-year-old Madonna has moved on from her previous mid-20s piece to a 31-year-old Portuguese model named Kevin Sampaio. The two reportedly on the set of her video for Bitch I’m Madonna, where he got some screen time as a hot dude in his underwear who gets kissed by Madonna at the beginning. Rumors that Madonna was doing Kevin have been around since last month, but The Daily Mail says that Madonna is getting serious about this one (that’s cute, Daily Mail). They claim she is buying a $6 million house in Lisbon where Kevin lives, and has enrolled her son David in a local youth club there. She is also allegedly looking for schools in Lisbon for her youngest kids Stella and Esther.
Madonna has reportedly been trying out Kevin for the past year. She was impressed that he didn’t immediately run to the press after their first date. My guess is he was unable to run due to his hamstrings seizing up after working out in Madonna’s personal gym for six hours. (I assume that’s what Madonna does on first dates).
Kevin also has an identical twin brother named Jonathan. That’s great news for both Madonna and Kevin. Whenever Kevin needs to take a break from feeding Madonna her grapes and massaging her bunions, he can just tap in his brother. Madonna won’t notice the difference, Kevin gets a break, and Jonathan makes a little extra cash. Everyone wins!
According to Entertainment Tonight, 43-year-old Kate Beckinsale is dating 21-year-old actor and Wild ‘N Out comedian Matt Rife. I’m getting “Cillian Murphy’s second cousin doing his best Ryan Phillippe in 54 impersonation” from Matt. Kate and Matt were seen kissing outside of a lounge in West Hollywood last night. A source claims she met Matt through a mutual friend, and they’re “officially boyfriend and girlfriend” and that her entire family thinks he’s the nicest person.
— ET Canada (@ETCanada) June 21, 2017
Earlier this month, Kate was rumored to have been seen “flirting” with Jon Hamm at an event for the movie Baby Driver. Going from midlife daddy Jon Hamm to a youngin who looks like he thinks being called a fuckboi is a compliment. Kate is really spanning the whole spectrum.
ETs source adds that Matt is a great guy and “very mature for his age.” How much more mature are we talking here? Does he seem more like he’s 24? 26? 39-year-old trapped in the body of a 21-year-old? Still, it’s got to be weird for Kate’s 18-year-old daughter Lily Mo Sheen. It’s one thing to have to explain what fidget spinners and Riverdale is to your mom, but it’s a completely different level of awkward to hear her boyfriend volunteer to do it.
Apologies to those of you lovers of lady-on-lady action who are now dealing with a case of disappointed genitals because you only read a piece of that headline and thought this was going to be a post about Charlize Theron scissoring with Halle Berry.
It’s been about two years since Charlize Theron finally pulled herself out of the dickmatized haze she was in and broke up with barbecued Snausage of rage Sean Penn. OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail) says that Charlize’s cooze has moved on to Gabriel Aubry, the hot blond model piece who was in a chunky shit storm of a fight over custody and child support with Halle Berry. That fight hit peak WRECK when Halle’s new man Olivier Martinez punched the pretty out of Gabriel on Thanksgiving. And now he may be wet humping on Charlize.
When I last wrote about the dating adventures of gold digging icon, legendary schemer and professional ladder climber Wendi Deng, she had supposedly been dropping her poon on the peen of Donald Trump’s sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. But just when we all thought that the world was going to get the ultimate real-life Bond villain couple in Deng and Putin (PuDeng), she denied that she was motorboating his double-stuffed chest blinis. Sometime between then and the holidays, Wendi has gotten with a dude whose entire checking account balance probably fits on the receipt he gets after taking money out from an ATM. Wendi is dating a young piece who is not a billionaire. The League of Extraordinary Gold Diggers must be so confused and scared right now, because one their Gods has become the sugar mama. We’re really living in the Upside Down.