When I last wrote about the dating adventures of gold digging icon, legendary schemer and professional ladder climber Wendi Deng, she had supposedly been dropping her poon on the peen of Donald Trump’s sweet Russian boo Vladimir Putin. But just when we all thought that the world was going to get the ultimate real-life Bond villain couple in Deng and Putin (PuDeng), she denied that she was motorboating his double-stuffed chest blinis. Sometime between then and the holidays, Wendi has gotten with a dude whose entire checking account balance probably fits on the receipt he gets after taking money out from an ATM. Wendi is dating a young piece who is not a billionaire. The League of Extraordinary Gold Diggers must be so confused and scared right now, because one their Gods has become the sugar mama. We’re really living in the Upside Down.
Normally I’d say that Britney Spears should RUUUUUUUN from any dude named Sam. But if a Sam looks like that, then my advice to Brit Brit would be to melt that rule down into syrupy lube, spread it all over your bits and get that muscle dick.
Yesterday, we were all hit with the tragic news that the classiest wedding the world has ever seen is not going to happen. The definition of true love suffered another kick to the asshole when the union between Mariah Carey (or “trophy in L’eggs“ as James Packer probably looked at her as) and James Packer (or “bottomless bag of money” as Mariah Carey probably looked at him as) sunk to the bottom of the Aegean Sea. They were apparently trying to work things out, but now the chances of them getting back together are as slim as the chances of Mimi posting an Instagram picture that hasn’t been ran through Photoshop four times and touched by a dozen filters.
Mimi’s side says that she dumped him for being a jealous crazy bitch who got violent on her assistant on a yacht in Greece. James’ side says that he dumped her for being a crazy spendthrift bitch who spent way too much of his money and may have cheated on him with a dancer. Today TMZ says that even though they’re done, Mimi still wants James to spend more of his money on her. Mimi had to take cash from her own mountain of money (GASP!) to be with him and she wants him to reimburse her for that and then some. Shame: Mimi has none and I love it.
Yesterday, Tobey Maguire and his wife Jennifer Meyer announced that they’re done being a couple after 9 years of marriage. In their statement, they said that they came to that decision after doing a lot of “soul searching.” And according to Page Six, Tobey may have also been doing a lot of “hole searching” in the past few months while hitting up the clubs with the Pussy Posse (I still refuse to call them the Wolf Pack). 2016 has been chock-full of weirdness and that includes us gossiping about the adventures of Tobey Maguire’s dick.
Don’t you dare e-mail me your dry cleaning bill. It’s not my fault that the sight of white hot daddy Ric Flair in Liberace’s casual loungin’ robe causes crotches to burst.
Retired WWE champion Ric Flair recently bragged on his radio show, The Ric Flair Show, about all of the dozens of famous chicks who have taken a ride on Space Mountain. “Space Mountain” is apparently what Ric calls fuck times with him, which makes sense since like the ride, it doesn’t last long and you’ll be dizzy and disappointed afterward. The Stylin’, profilin’, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss-stealing, wheelin’ n’ dealin’ son of a gun would only say the name of one celebrity he’s done and that’s Halle Berry. But according to Halle Berry’s people, her coochie’s passport doesn’t have a stamp with Space Mountain’s name on it.
Millions of us probably shouted, “Git it, Kevi,” tonight when the Emmys cut to Kevin Spacey sitting in the audience with the lost Hanson brother who ran off to Amish country where he sings and plays guitar every Thursday night in a cold brew coffee shop there.
Kevin Spacey was nominated for the 869th time for House of Cards and sitting next to him was a dude who gave me “Johnny Depp’s stylist” vibes. And sitting behind them were some people who were cursing Kevin’s seat mate out for blocking their view with that douche helmet on his head.
Since random is always finding a way to redefine itself, Kevin’s date is 42-year-old Evan Lowenstein, who made up one-half of the twin brothers pop duo Evan and Jaron. Evan and Jaron did that song that repeatedly fucked our ears raw in the year 2000. I’m going to apologize in advance for putting this in your head again:
Buzzfeed says that Evan doesn’t really do music shit anymore. He’s a manager and he manages Kevin Spacey, which is why they went to the Emmys together. The only thing more random than Evan from Evan and Jaron being Kevin Spacey’s Emmys date is Evan from Evan and Jaron being Kevin Spacey’s manager. I really hope that “early aughts music trick turned manager of a Netflix star” becomes a thing, because I really want one of the dudes from LFO to be Lily Tomlin’s manager.
And here’s Kevin and his manager friend strolling through Milan together last March: