The poor folks who live in their mansions along Lake Como likely just want to rest easy on the weekends, smoke some ciggs, fuck their lovers or spouses (or both!) and down carafes of red wine – y’know, the typical Italian pastimes. Alas, ever since George Clooney showed up years ago, it’s been nothing but Casamigos-branded shit and starfuckers galore – and that’s just when the Crawford-Gerbers show up! Well, now we can add Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan to the list of celebrities (fine…royalty…) who are invading the shores for the weekend.
People is reporting that 57-year-old George Clooney got himself into a fender bender while on the Italian island of Sardinia. Here’s how it went down. George, who is in Sardinia shooting a Hulu series, Catch-22, was out for a scooter drive letting the wind rush by at 60 MPH, enjoying his insane amounts of wealth on the state road to Costa Corallina when a driver of a car cut across the scooter’s path and they collided. George was thrown from his scooter and his helmet flew off, smashing the car’s windshield as well as his helmet. When the Italian who hit him realized he almost killed a huge American star, he got out to help and called an ambulance who rushed George to a hospital.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
The clock tower is about to ring noon. There is an audible gasp from inside St. George’s Chapel. In walks a stunning creature dressed in thousands of dollars worth of custom couture. Guests can be heard whispering, “I can’t believe it” and “So gorgeous.” And then as they approach the soft light from the prettiest stained-glass window, he says, “Yes, it’s me, Oscar-winning actor George Clooney. But really folks, it’s not my day, let’s keep the attention on the bride.” Then he winks to The Queen, and motions to Duchess Kate that he’ll catch her after the ceremony for an autograph. I’m sure that’s how it’s already playing out in George Clooney’s mind when he attends the royal wedding tomorrow.
There was a rumor that George and Amal Clooney would be on the guest list for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding. A source tells People that rumor is true. The source says Meghan and Amal were introduced to a mutual friend and have been pals ever since Meghan moved from the U.S. to the U.K. in November. Apparently they share “many interests.”
Not only did George and Amal get a wedding invite, but they’re also part of the super-exclusive 200 people who get to party at the private evening. They only live 30 minutes away from Windsor.
George and Amal love a red carpet and cameras. So this means they’ll take their sweet time upon arrival and cause the whole thing to be delayed by at least 2 hours. Jesus, as if the lead-up to this wedding needs to be dragged out any longer!
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Nothing gets tongues and labias wagging quite like gossip about William Bradley Pitt’s post-divorce love life. People reports that the rumored relationship between William and Neri Oxman, the hot MIT Architecture professor, probably started back in November. And, hold on to your hats, pearls, horses, britches and wigs: They were photographed TOGETHER!