Category: George Clooney

Don’t Even Think Of Going Near George Clooney’s Lake Como Villa Unless You Want To Be Hit With A $550 Fine

April 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Roberto Pozzi, the mayor of Laglio, Italy, has let the paparazzi, fans and other unwanted tricks (see: Sarah Larson looking for a loan) know that the land around George Clooney’s villas in Lake Como are now protected by the law and if a bitch so much as touches the sacred grounds around Villa d’Smuggy, they could be slapped down with a €500 fine. I would post pictures of George Clooney’s villas, but if I did and you looked at them, you could find a bill for $550 in your inbox.

The Telegraph says that Mayor Roberto Pozzi issued an ordinance stating that anyone who gets out of their car or boat while within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be labeled dirty trespassers and could face a €500 fine. George and Amal Clooney are reportedly going to spend a piece of their summer in Lake Como, so the mayor wants to make sure that nobody bothers them. The mayor issued a similar ordinance last year.

Oh, THE RICH and THE FAMOUS! They get the mayor to issue an ordinance that keeps away pesky tricks while us peasants have to have to shut out mouths and crawl around on the floor while waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking at our front door to get the hint and go away.

The paparazzi must be so confused and hurt over George kicking them in the asshole like this. They miss the happier days of his STUNT QUEEN wedding extravaganza in Venice when his publicist would give them the exact location of his whereabouts. They were there for him then and this is how he repays them?! Hurtful and rude! But seriously, I doubt a fine is going to keep the paps away. If the mayor really wants the paps to stay away, he should issue an ordinance stating that anyone who steps foot within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be thrown into a jail cell where they will be forced to watch Batman & Robin while sober. Not even the damn roaches and rats would go near his villas.

In Case You Were Wondering, This Is How The Clooneys Spent Their Good Friday

April 4, 2015 / Posted by:

While some of us spent our Good Friday eve shoving a Double Double into our eating hole while browsing the “gay homemade” section of PornHub (because that’s how Jesus would want us to spend Good Friday), Professor Amal Clooney spent her night eating fancy things with her husband of 6 months George from Facts of Life. Yes, they made it to 6 months. So tomorrow, make sure you wash your pits and wear your “good” t-shirt, because Jesus will probably make an encore performance to let everyone know that we’ve had a good run, but it’s time for the world to end now that George Clooney’s slut ass has been married for half a year.

George and Amal had dinner at Babbo in NYC and The Daily Mail says that when they left the restaurant, she put on a “leggy display” for the paps. “Leggy display” sounds like a wall of sewed-off legs that the FBI would find in the basement of a serial killer’s house. George Clooney looks like he was putting on a diarrhea display. He looks like he’s singing “gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” to himself as Amal throws a “thanks for calling the paps for me, sweets” look at the guy holding the door. George Clooney needs to squeeze his cheeks, hold it in and stop rushing through the pap stroll. Amal Clooney did not put on that exquisitely designed drill team costume just so she can rush through that shit. Give her some time to sparkle!

And Amal and George tried it, but that Sprinkler Siamese sign is the star of this picture.

Pics: Splash

That’s Professor Amal Clooney To You!

March 6, 2015 / Posted by:

While George Clooney shoots some movie with Jodie Foster on Long Island, his wife Amal Clooney will school bitches. Amal’s wedding extravaganza pictures showed me that she should teach hos at Barbizon how to cheese it up right for the cameras, but that’s not what she’s teaching. Professor Amal will lecture on human rights law at Columbia Law School in NYC this spring. Page Six says that Professor Amal will lecture in Professor Sarah H. Cleveland’s Human Rights course and she’ll speak about human rights litigation strategies and other smart people stuff. Amal released this statement through Columbia Law School:

“It is an honor to be invited as a visiting professor at Columbia Law School alongside such a distinguished faculty and talented student pool. I look forward to getting to know the next generation of human rights advocates studying here.”

Cut to the editors at Star, UsWeekly, Life & Style, InTouch and every other tabloid trying to get their interns into that class so they can ask her important questions like, “Um, Professor White Gloves, when are you and George Clooney going to make a baby?”

Meanwhile, Sarah Larson also announced today that she’s going to teach a 6-class course for The Learning Annex on “Body Shots and How To Properly Do Them” at a Holiday Inn Express in Van Nuys. I wish.

George Clooney Is Pissed That Sony Pulled “The Interview”

December 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Fancy Lawyer Barbie Amal Clooney’s part-time Hollywood actor husband George has some major feelings about the Sony email hack. In case you’ve forgotten because your brain is too interested in St. Angie’s messy Cleopatra drama, several sad emails Georgie sent to Amy Pascal about the shit reviews for his film The Monuments Men were leaked last weekend. That would normally be enough to piss someone off, but it was Sony’s decision to pull The Interview that really set him over the edge. So much, that it made him angry enough to circulate…A PETITION.

George spoke to Deadline and told them about the petition he created with his agent to show support for Sony and unite as an industry to stand up to the terrorists threatening the release of The Interview, and confessed that NO ONE in Hollywood was brave enough to sign it. George’s letter is long as hell, so it’s hidden after the cut. By the way, it sounds badass if you read it while listening to “America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)“, so I suggest you throw that on to enhance your George Clooney American Hero Petition Experience.


Time To Put That Eye Roll Muscle To Work: Barbra Walters Drools Over George And Amal Clooney

December 15, 2014 / Posted by:

At the end of Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special, which splattered on TV screens last night, she said that it will probably be her last time doing it and even though she said the same thing last year, she sort of kind of means it this time. No, she doesn’t. Babwa will do it again next year, because she lives for everyone’s brain burping out a stream of HUHs over her weird choices. Next year, Barbara should stop with the trickery and keep it honest. She needs to change the title of her list to the 10 Least Fascinating People, because some of the people on this year’s list are about as fascinating as a piece of chewed, wet cauliflower stuck to a string of floss.

Barbara’s Most Fascinating People list included Chelsea Handler, ScarJo (?????), Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan (??????), Elon Musk, Oprah, Taylor Swift, George RR Martin and David H. Koch. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and according to Babwa, 2 of the most fascinating are a People’s Choice-nominated actress and the co-host of a morning show that’s on the network she works for. The word “fascinating” really needs to file a lawsuit against Barbra for slandering it over and over again. Because Barbara’s list was the opposite of fascinating, I figured that her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 would be Blake Lively. Barbra went with Amal Clooney instead and sure, she’s a well-spoken, educated human rights lawyer, but she only became fascinating when she married Booker from Roseanne:


And Now In Hacked Sony Emails News, Bad Reviews Of “The Monuments Men” Made George Clooney Sad

December 14, 2014 / Posted by:

More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:

“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”

I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:

“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.


Christian Bale Didn’t Mean To Slap At George Clooney

December 9, 2014 / Posted by:

I’m just going to choose to believe that Christian Bale is working that flipped mane and stache because he’s preparing to play Yanni in a movie.

Christian Bale recently said in an interview with the Wall Street Journal that the likes of George Clooney need to have a seat and turn off the whine switch in their system, because he’s sick of hearing them bitch and moan about the paparazzi. Christian, who whined about the paps during that interview, said that all the celebrity whining is BOOOORING and he prefers not to whine about it. In case you forgot, here’s a piece of what he said:

“It’s like, come on, guys, just shut up. Just get on with it and live your lives and stop whining about it. I prefer not to whine about it.”

Well, at the NYC premiere of Exodus at the Brooklyn Museum on Sunday night, E! News brought up Christian’s pro tip for George Clooney. Christian played dumb. Christian said that he doesn’t remember dragging George and the WSJ must’ve twisted his words a bit:

“I was scratching my head when I heard that. I said, ‘When on earth would I had said that? I’ve got immense respect for him and I can’t even begin to imagine the invasion of his privacy. Our lives don’t even begin to compare. He’s a true movie star. I’m just somebody who was lucky to get a job. So, yeah, it was possibly just a well-intentioned edit. But certainly, I never meant any disrespect whatsoever.”


Out of all the things to backpedal on, this is not one of them. This is not the Christian Bale I want. I want the Christian Bale who calls out celebrities and contradicts himself like crazy while doing so. I don’t want a Christian Bale who sticks his tongue up George Clooney’s b-hole and plays nice because he wants to get invited to the Lake Como villa one day.

Harpo, who dis Christian Bale?

Pics: Splash

And Here’s Your First Look At George Clooney Playing Lord George Clooney On Downton Abbey

December 2, 2014 / Posted by:

George Clooney, the handsome smirk that came to life one day when a charming angel blew an air kiss to a three-piece suit, is married to a fancy upper crust British lawyer type, so it makes sense that his British TV debut would be on a show about fancy upper crust British types. But since Keeping Up Appearances is only airing new episodes in my dreams (not to mention that Hyacinth Bucket would NEVER with someone as déclassé Booker from Roseanne), he had to go with the next best thing, Downton Abbey.

George’s appearance is for the Downton Abbey Christmas special, and it’s not clear if he’s playing a time-traveling character that just so happens to look and act exactly like Hollywood film star George Clooney or George Clooney’s long-lost British dandy cousin George H. Crawley, but I bet we can expect him to lay lots of smooth charm on the Dowager Countess. “Well well well, what do we have here? Lady Mary didn’t tell me she had a foxy older sister. Why don’t you grab that bottle of cherry cordial and I’ll tell you all about how much I hate electricity.

And in case you’re not a person from the UK, you’re probably wondering what the hell Text Santa is. Apparently it’s (“Oh boy, here we go…” said all the British people) a fundraiser/telethon. So maybe George’s appearance on DA is like a charity auction thing where he donated a bunch of money in exchange for a walk-on role. Or maybe he just wanted to hang out with Isis the dog? Yeah, that’s probably it.

(via EW)


Christian Bale Thinks George Clooney Needs To Stop Whining About The Paparazzi

December 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Christian Bale loves to bitch and yell. Christian Bale yells at his mom. Christian Bale yells and bitches at the DP of the movie he’s shooting. Christian Bale yells and bitches at everyone and everything. If at the end of the day,  Christian doesn’t have wind burns on his tonsils from yelling and bitching so much, then he didn’t have a good day. So a Christian Bale interview wouldn’t be complete without him bitching out a trick. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Christian Bale bitches about George Clooney bitching about the paparazzi.


Sources Say George And Amal Clooney Are Maybe Looking To Adopt A Baby From Syria

November 18, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Woman’s Day Magazine (via The Daily Mail) George Clooney and his wife of two months, Fancy Lawyer Barbie (human name: Amal Clooney) are apparently looking to adopt a baby friend. However, not just any baby will do (sorry, crazy woman at the end of my street who is always trying to give away baby bunnies); a source claims that George and Amal want to get a baby from a “war-torn country”, because they want to use the adoption to “highlight the plight of orphans in countries like Syria.”

Obviously, adopting a baby from a war-torn county like Syria would make sense for those two, since Amal is a fancy human rights lawyer and George loves attention. But those Syrian babies might want to hold off on packing their bags for Lake Como and learning how to say “I said I wanted sparkling spring water in my bottle!” in Italian; a rep for George tells Gossip Cop that the rumor that he and Amal are baby shopping is “100% fabricated.”

Even though Georgie’s rep says this adoption business is bullshit, I still want to believe that George and Amal will adopt a baby. But why does it have to be a baby? Why not a full-grown adult? I want to live at their fancy-ass house in Italy! Amal and George are super into helping people and shit, so I’m sure if they saw me, they’d be like “Why does she smell like Monster energy drink? Is she using bar soap as shampoo? Oh dear god, this human needs our help.

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