I’ll wait here as you rinse away the class that oozed out of that picture and splashed onto your eyeballs. That looks like one of the rejected ideas for the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.
Around this time last year, the word “marriage” wasn’t allowed to leap off of Stacy Keibler’s tongue and if she happened to accidentally burp it out during a conversation, George Clooney’s HR department would write her up and 5% was deducted from her future exit settlement. Well, 8 months after George Clooney’s ho wrangler let her know that her services as his award season escort were no longer needed, Stacy did the “m” word in Mexico. Stacy tells People that yesterday in Mexico, she did the thing that George Clooney will probably never do again. Actually, she did two things George Clooney will probably never do again. She got married and she fucked someone her own age. 34-year-old Stacy married 39-year-old California businessman Jared Pobre (Spanish to English translation: Jared Poor) after knowing his ass for 5 years and dating his ass for 6 or 7 months. Stacy released this dry heave-inducing sticky sweet statement which reads like it was put together using words found inside of anniversary greeting cards at Target.
“My happiness is indescribable! Marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship. It means putting all your faith and trust into a person that you can’t help but believe is your soul mate. Someone who has all of your best interests at heart; someone handpicked for you, to help you grow and be the best person that you can be. Jared is all of this for me.
We both felt strongly that our ‘love day’ should be intimately special, and that’s exactly what it was. It was a blend of romance, tranquility, natural beauty, bonding and overwhelming love.”
If I ever need to barf out of my eye sockets, I’ll just read that statement again.
Marrying a trick after boning full-time for only 6 months summons a side-eye out of me, but Stacy could’ve done worse. Despite his last name, dude is rich and he looks like he could win second place in a David Bromstad look-alike contest. So get that Color Splash dick and get that money, Stacy.
And I guess this means that Stacy can officially leave George Clooney’s House for Wayward Hos. Sarah Larson and Elisabetta Canalis will pour one out (read: pour a body shot on their stomach and let a frat boy slurp it up) for you, Stacy.
This awards season hasn’t been the same without George Clooney sashaying on red carpet after red carpet with a tall drink of MEH in a borrowed Tadashi gown. Did award season really happen if we didn’t get at least one shot of George Clooney’s escort-of-the-moment awkwardly contorting her face when a reporter asks her about marriage? Well, just because Clooney hasn’t been hitting the award shows with a mostly mute piece who is young enough to call him daddy and mean it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a new piece. People says that he’s been dating someone and he really switched up the game this time, because she’s a fancy British lawyer. Today, the floors of every Las Vegas casino are filled with the broken dreams of cocktail waitresses who wanted to believe they were next.
People says that at a White House screening of that shitty-ass-looking The Monuments Men, 52-year-old Clooney brought one of Julian Assange’s lawyers, 36-year-old Amal Alamuddin, as his date. The Daily Mail has a picture of her standing next to him and it looks like drunk ass Joe Biden took that picture with a potato. They held hands at the screening and afterward they went to the Willard Hotel’s Round Robin & Scotch Bar for a drink with the cast and they were on each other like a Lohan nostril on a pile of coke.
“His arm was around her shoulder and she had hers around his. They just seemed very, very together. They were stuck like glue.”
Clooney and Amal were first seen together last October at a restaurant in London.
Blah, blah, blah… Amal Alamuddin (Side Note: I’m calling dibs on the porn name Anal ala Muddin’) has a fancy job, has fancy degrees from fancy schools, probably has fancy friends and has a fancy eyebrow situation that was probably created by a fancy eyebrow artiste, but she will never be half as elegant and sophisticated as my all-time favorite Clooney girlfriend. Now is the right time to remind everyone to never forget the demure Sarah Larson.
File that classic imagine under: beautiful sights you can see almost any time of the day at the Señor Frog’s in Ensenada. No, seriously if you went there now you’d probably see Sarah Larson doing just that. What a fucking lady.
Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood Issue” can usually double as their annual “I See White People Issue,” but they decided to switch shit up this year. There’s 12 actors on the cover and half aren’t white. Racism is over!
On the cover from left to right is Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, Idris Elba, George Clooney, Michael B. Jordan, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, Naomie Harris, Brie Larson, Chadwick Boseman, Margot Robbie and Léa Seydoux. The left side looks like Julia and her chorus boys relaxing backstage between the matinee and evening performance of their cruise shop show where she sings the hits of Kander & Ebb. The right side looks like a bunch of models in a wedding fashion show who are suffering from the wet shits after they made the mistake of eating the Mexican lunch given to them. (Chadwick is obviously good because he brought his own food.) And in the middle is Lupita looking like OSCAH gold!
VF should get a slow clap for giving us diversity, but it’s still not diverse enough for my taste and by that I mean the dudes should’ve posed with no clothes on.
And the long-awaited, so-called GOOP takedown is in this shit and I’m afraid to read it. Graydon Carter apparently goes soft on Goopy and reading it is probably going to be a lot like sucking on a big, 9″ peen that just won’t get hard. Just wave of disappointment after wave of disappointment.
Didn’t he already do that shit in One Fine Day?
George Clooney has a movie to promote (The Monuments Men aka You mean the story Grandpa Simpson told Bart about the Fighting Hellfish, right?) so he’s bouncing from magazine cover to magazine cover, and this time we’re talking about Esquire UK. Clooney appears in the January 2014 issue, sans-migraine suit, and talks to editor Alex Bilmes about his love of mennonite quilts, his passion for home-made kombucha, and what’s on his Netflix queue (Say Yes To The Dress). KIDDING – according to The Daily Mail, he talks about the GCU (George Clooney Usual) ie. his love life, being famous, and the ho you’ll NEVER see him bring to the Academy Awards, Twitter:
Despite the actor’s rise to global superstardom, he says being famous is restrictive. In 15 years Clooney has not gone for a walk in New York’s Central Park, despite wanting to, and is still surprised by his success.
“There’s a funny thing about fame. The truth is you run as fast as you can towards it because it is everything you want. You get there and it’s shocking how immediately you become enveloped in this world that is incredibly restricting.”
On being a celebrity, he says: “Not that I’m comparing myself to Clark Gable or whoever but they couldn’t survive in this environment. They’d punch the shit out of some people. It requires a kind of Zen quality.”
The Gravity star also shares his views on social media, saying: “I think anyone who is famous is a moron if they’re on Twitter. It’s just stupid.”
At least this time he learned that it’s on Twitter, not in Twitter.
Who knew George Clooney got the boo-hoo-sads over fame? He’s basically Britney Spear’s Lucky. I guess Georgie C spends his nights at home, laying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, draped in a fur-trimmed dressing gown wailing “I’D TRADE IT ALL JUST TO WALK IN CENTRAL PARK!” Newsflash George: You can take a walk in Central Park anytime you want. You have enough money to close the park for the day and hunt humans for sport around the lake, you dummy. I’m sure if you asked nicely, they’d let you BBQ a penguin from the Zoo. Stop complaining.
You’ve got to give George credit though; I’ve got the hilarious mental image of Clark Gable punching a pap in the face, so for that I’ll give him the ol’ Namaste prayer-hands.
(Pic via Esquire)
Ooooh, the frumpy single HR lady in your office (her name is Barb or Janet, right?) has reason to shave her legs again! In an interview with W Magazine (via Us Weekly) George Clooney explains that Crate and Barrel needs to stop pestering him to register for stemless wine glasses, because he hasn’t found TRU LUV yet (has he no mirrors in his house? Everybody knows George’s one true love is George. Cut to Clooney and the mirror embracing in the rain, Notebook-style):
Who is the love of his life? “I haven’t met her yet,” says the Gravity actor, who was most recently linked to Croatian model Monika Jakisic. Other Clooney exes include Stacy Keibler, Elisabetta Canalis — and actress Talia Balsam, to whom he was married from 1989 to 1993.
“When I was a kid, I was in love with Audrey Hepburn. I watched Roman Holiday when I was 11, and I thought she was as elegant as anything I’d ever seen. And I fell madly in love with her,” he admits. The actor continues, “I also always loved Grace Kelly. I mean, when she comes out of the water in To Catch a Thief, I thought, That’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
Well, there go my hopes that Elisabetta Canalis was his one great love and we’d get to see that exquisite barbed-wire tattoo in a Vera Wang wedding dress. Also, is Sarah Larson more of an Audrey or a Grace? I’m curious.
This all reminds me of the time my mother was obsessed with matchmaking my single ass with Jake Gyllenhaal. I know, it makes no sense, stay with me here. For a couple of months, my mother would call me up and be like: “Allison! I had that dream again! You told me you were bringing your new boyfriend over for dinner and when I opened the door, it was Jake Gyllenhaal! He was so nice and a real gentleman!” She’d see pap pics of Jake Gylenhaal in Toronto and frantically email me: “BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND GO OUTSIDE, YOU MIGHT RUN INTO HIM!!” When you’re sitting in 8-layers of Cool Ranch Dorito dust watching the Myrtle Urkel episode of Family Matters for the 20th time, a small part of you thinks: “Maybe my mother is right. I should set my sights on a closeted A-list celebrity.” And that’s the story of how beards are born. The End.
(Pic via W Magazine)
In the December issue of Esquire (via The Daily Mail), George Clooney his eyeballs at that fake bitch Russell Crowe, shows no love for Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse and draws a heart around a picture of his forever bromate Brad Pitt.
A few years ago, bloated walrus Russell Crowe figuratively threw a hotel phone at George’s head when he called Clooney a sellout for getting a quick check by filming foreign commercials. Russell also called George a Frank Sinatra wannabe. George told Esquire that Russell later tried to apologize by sending him a book of poetry (the fuck?) and pulled his dick all the way by saying he was misquoted. George was not impressed with Russell’s little fake apology and probably used the pages from that book of poetry to wipe down his just-used strap-on.
“And that’s when he really went off on me. ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s a Frank Sinatra wannabe.’ He really went after me. The truth is that [Russell Crowe] did send me a book of poems to apologize for insulting the shit out of me, which he did. I think he said “I was misquoted” and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”‘
You know George made a W with his fingers when he said “whatever.” I always thought George was more of a Dionne, but I guess he’s more of an Ambular.
After George finished calling out Russell, he spilled some shit about Leo. George and his friends once played a basketball game against Leo and the Pussy Posse. Before the game, the Pussy Posse said they were going to “kick some ass.” George didn’t like this and let out a cackle when he and his friends won 11-0.
“And the discrepancy between their game and how they talked about their game made me think of how important it is to have someone in your life to tell you what’s what. I’m not sure if Leo has someone like that.”
Yeah, I’m sure Leo surrounds himself with ass-sucking hos who tell him that his farts smell like strawberries and cream, but so does George (see: Sarah Larson, Stacy Keibler, that other one, that other one and the other ones I am so not going to Google) I’m sure AND it was just a damn game of basketball. It’s not that serious. George acts like a stupid game of basketball is as sacred as a game of Mall Madness.
When George finished slightly dragging Leo and Russell, he blew air kisses at Brad for suffering through all the re-shoots for World War Z (WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE RICH MALE MOVIE STARS?!!!). And George said this about why he’s not on Twatter:
“Why on God’s green earth would you be in Twitter? I mean, when you see, like, Ashton Kutcher coming out and going, you know, “Everybody leave Joe Paterno alone,” or whatever he said, you just go “Fifteen minutes longer and a thought process and probably you wouldn’t have done that.”
“…IN Twitter?” George just has to tell me that my gut doesn’t look as big as usual and he’d officially be my mom. IN Twitter!
I can’t co-sign everything that spilled out of George’s mouth, but I love it when grown rich dudes talk shit about each other. Fuck the GOOP vs. Vanity Fair feud. This award season is going to be all about watching George throw bitchy mean girl looks at those skanks Leo and Russell. I can’t wait for the Golden Globes when the camera will pan to George and Russell coldly hugging in the audience as George says to Russell, “Ew, I can totally see your split ends.” And George is totally going to try to steal Lukas Haas from Leo and if Danielle Spencer wasn’t 10 years too old, he’d try to snatch her away from Russell and hire her as his award season escort.
Here’s George and others (including Lupita Nyong’o, Borat, Ralph Fiennes and Kelly Rowland’s tits) at the BAFTA LA Britannia Awards last night.
Just to make shit clear, they’re not my dream couple. My dream couple is Phoebe Price and Carrot Top, obviously. Okay, now that we’ve cleared that up…
Seen above looking like she’s about to eat George Clooney’s nose off, Sandra Bullock told Jay Leno a few days ago that she and George would never become a couple, because they’re too much alike.
“I think we’re probably the only two that haven’t dated in the business. I think it’s probably because we’re a little too similar in all the disturbing ways.”
“In all the disturbing ways…” I’m going to take that to mean that George likes to be the bottom, Sandra likes to be the bottom and if nobody wants to wear the strap-on, who’s going to get fucked? I’ve always thought that they would make a good couple, because they are kind of the same-ish. George is allergic to marriage and Sandra is allergic to marriage, because the meaning of it was tainted by Jesse James and Bombshit McGee’s Nazi sex juices. They can be allergic to marriage together. But George likes them tall and empty of their own opinions and Sandra ain’t that, so. Besides, UsWeekly says that George has reached into the recycling bin and pulled out his ex-piece Monika Jakisic AGAIN.
Here’s Sandra and George at the NYC premiere of Gravity last night.
The Venice Film Festival opened tonight with Gravity (that movie that’s going to make hos hyperventilate into their popcorn bags while injecting liquid Xanax into their veins) and George Clooney actually walked the red carpet without a half-mute 30-something escort on his arm. Strange things happen ever day and this shit is strange. Instead of posing for photographers with a new temporary piece, he posed with his co-star Sandra Bullock. In that picture above, I don’t know if George is trying to tell Sandra what the rules of posing with him on the red carpet are (“DON’T SPEAK!“) or if he’s having a small seizure, because his brain can’t believe that he’s walking with a woman who is close to his age and is almost as rich as his ass.
They kind of look hot together and since Sandra’s first marriage died in Bombshell McGee’s tattooed twat (I can’t believe I made all of us think of Bombshit McGee again), she’s probably off marriage forever. It could work (not really) and their couple name could be Bullooney or Cloonock.
And this girl tried to grab George Clooney’s face on the red carpet.
George had to break her heart and tell her to call him 5 award seasons from now and maybe then he’ll consider signing a relationship contract with her. And yes, I see the hot piece with the meticulous brows behind them. That piece should be Clooney’s next escort.
Here’s Eva Longoria and her then-piece Ernesto Arguello during happier times last month when they both had a serious case of food poisoning and were rushing off to the nearest toilet to shit and barf their insides out (at least, that’s what I’m getting from this picture). Last month, Eva issued a goddamn statement to People saying that she has taken a seat on the face of Ernesto Arguello, a bachelor from her failed reality show Ready For Love, and that they were a full-time couple. “Sources” even told People that Ernesto and Eva’s hearts are so melded together that they were destined to get married. (When I read that, I made the same “I’m barfing in my mouth” face that Ernesto is making in that picture above.) Well, I guess Eva and Ernesto’s ~love~ was just to powerful and intense for them to handle, because they broke up after only a handful of months. The good news is that their relationship lasted longer than their reality show did.
A source tells E! that Eva and Ernesto couldn’t make it work because of “distance problems.” Eva’s in L.A. and Ernesto’s in Miami, and neither of them gave a damn enough to move.
Right after Eva announced to the world that she was rubbing taints with a piece from her reality show, Lainey had a blind item that was obviously about Eva and George Clooney and then UsWeekly kind of co-signed Lainey’s blind item. Eva and George were supposedly doing it while he was with Stacy Keibler and when he didn’t leave Stacy after Eva kept asking him to, she went public with that Ernesto dude to make him jealous.
And now that Eva is single, she and George can be together! Yeah, I’m sure George will get on that as soon as he finishes up the open casting call to find his next personality-less, half-mute, 30-something award season ho.
Here’s Eva with Eugenio Derbez at the premiere of Instructions Not Included in L.A. last night.
Yesterday, Lainey had a blind item about some big star who had a full-time official girlfriend and a side piece he was doing on the side. The side piece kept trying to get him to dump the official girlfriend for her and when he refused, she got herself a new dude and let it be known by releasing a statement to a magazine. The big star dumped the official girlfriend and now he’s waiting for the side piece to come to him. All signs pointed to Usher and Justin Bieber. No, all signs really pointed to Eva Longoria and George Clooney. Then today, UsWeekly has this headline: “George Clooney Pursued Eva Longoria Before Stacy Keibler Breakup.” UsWeekly forgot to add something. That shit should read: “Eva Longoria Told Us That George Clooney Pursed Eva Longoria Before Stacy Keibler Breakup.”
UsWeekly’s “source” says that right before George Clooney slipped a pink slip under Stacy Keibler’s door, he hung out at SoHo House in Berlin with Eva and tried to get into her chonies. Eva kept her legs closed and George kept trying and trying and trying… The “source” said this:
“George began pursuing Eva. He told her that he was still with Stacy, but had plans to break up with her and was interested in being with Eva. [He] continued to pursue her with texts and calls. Eva made it clear to him that she would not date or be with him until he was completely single. George and Eva never hooked up.”
So, the blind items says that he and she did it while he was with his full-time piece and UsWeekly says that he tried to do it with her, but she is a woman of integrity and would never do a dude who currently has a contract with an award show escort. Okay. But really, UsWeekly’s “source” should’ve went all the way and added, “And George even showed up to Eva Longoria’s house in a tuxedo with a priest at his side and two wedding rings in his hand, because the love he feels for that talented, powerful, intelligent, gorgeous and captivating woman cured his allergy to marriage. George even underwent a dangerous reverse vasectomy, because he wants to make children with the most interesting, beautiful and important woman he’s ever met. A woman named Eva Jacqueline Longoria.”
I mean, if the “source” is going to pull our dicks, they might as well pull our dicks all the way.