Woe is Millie Clooney. The one day her humans decided to trot her out in front of the paps is the one day Amal Clooney decides to dress up like a rejected That ’70s Show extra. Millie Clooney is making the face that every little kid makes when they’re hanging out with their friends in front of the school and their mom pulls up in a dirty, bird-shit covered car with curlers in her hair and blasting some busted song. They think to themselves, “I hope she doesn’t see me, I hope she doesn’t see me, I hope she does- Oh shit, she just screamed my name.”
Yes, I know that Bassett Hounds just naturally make that face, but I’d like to believe that Millie is extra embarrassed by Amal looking like she’s about to break out into I Think I Love You at any second.
George Clooney is currently directing Suburbicon in Los Angeles, and yesterday, Amal visited the set with their newest dog child Millie Clooney. This is probably going to be the last time that Amal Clooney brings Millie around the paps, because Millie easily stole the show and used her eyes to throw hate at those ugly jeans.
And really, Millie is living the life. She gets all the free tequila she wants and she doesn’t have to strain her legs by walking up stairs since she’s got a human slave named George Clooney to carry her up. I need Millie Clooney to teach me her ways.
George Clooney and his BFF Rande Gerber are the kind of best friends that make tequila together and live right next door to each other in Mexico. Sadly, they recently sold their twin villas in Cabo, which means George and Rande have to pack up their private telephone line, aka the tin cans attached to 30ft of string that Amal Clooney was nice enough to help them make. The good news is they’ll have a new place for them. Page Six says that both George and Rande recently purchased fancy condos in the same building in NYC.
Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
This particular People cover doesn’t have anything to do with this post. I just want to know Kimmy Gibbler’s secrets now.
Following in the legendary footsteps of Arnetta the Moodsetta and the safety slide-utilizing Jet Blue flight attendant, People magazine reporter Sara Hammel quit her gig by spilling the tea on the magazine (and a couple of celebrities) in an e-mail blast on Monday.
Hammel’s resignation snatched at the wigs belonging to George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez and an unnamed Hollywood A-Lister who was such a perv to her that she wanted to stab him in the balls with her reportin’ pen. She also noted that Lt. Olivia Benson (the celebrity not the cat) rivals Claire Danes when it comes to the ugly-cry.
While the cast of Cafe Society is nervously crossing their fingers and hoping that nobody else asks about or makes any jokes about Woody Allen’s alleged gross ways, the cast of Money Monster is apparently having a great time at Cannes. Or maybe they’re just happy that the worst thing they have to deal with are sort-of “Meh” reviews. Yesterday, Julia Roberts and George Clooney were caught giggling their asses off at the Money Monster photocall, and today they were doing the same thing at the premiere.
Whatever airline Julia flew to France on clearly lost her bag containing all her fucks, because didn’t have a single one. She was cackling and clinging onto Clooney for stability like she had just hit up the deux-pour-un champagne happy hour at the hotel. About halfway up the red carpet, she kicked off her heels and walked the rest of it barefoot. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Julia knows how to do Cannes right. Even though Julia and George make the cutest couple on the red carpet, she wasn’t actually his date. That honor goes to Amal Clooney, of course, who wore what looks like a dead-ringer for the most expensive gown in the bridesmaid section of David’s Bridal.
I don’t know what George and Amal are looking at, but based on Amal’s ‘restrained horror’ face, I’m going to assume it’s the moment Julia whipped off her shoes. “How frightfully horrible. George, tell that woman to put her footwear back on before I report her to the proper authorities and she’s escorted off the property.”
Here’s more from the Money Monster premiere. I’ve also included some pictures of Susan Sarandon, who isn’t in the movie, but looks really good. According to me, at least. Piers Morgan, on the other hand, is probably on the ground unconscious after clutching his pearls so hard he cut off the circulation to his head.
“No honey, wind is not caused by too many people sneezing at the same time” is a conversation that Amal Clooney may or may not be having with her husband in the picture above. When George Clooney married smart human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin back in 2014, he should have called up The Learning Annex and asked if they offered any night school classes in communicating with your smart human rights lawyer wife.