Fancy Lawyer Barbie Amal Clooney’s part-time Hollywood actor husband George has some major feelings about the Sony email hack. In case you’ve forgotten because your brain is too interested in St. Angie’s messy Cleopatra drama, several sad emails Georgie sent to Amy Pascal about the shit reviews for his film The Monuments Men were leaked last weekend. That would normally be enough to piss someone off, but it was Sony’s decision to pull The Interview that really set him over the edge. So much, that it made him angry enough to circulate…A PETITION.
George spoke to Deadline and told them about the petition he created with his agent to show support for Sony and unite as an industry to stand up to the terrorists threatening the release of The Interview, and confessed that NO ONE in Hollywood was brave enough to sign it. George’s letter is long as hell, so it’s hidden after the cut. By the way, it sounds badass if you read it while listening to “America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)“, so I suggest you throw that on to enhance your George Clooney American Hero Petition Experience.
At the end of Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special, which splattered on TV screens last night, she said that it will probably be her last time doing it and even though she said the same thing last year, she sort of kind of means it this time. No, she doesn’t. Babwa will do it again next year, because she lives for everyone’s brain burping out a stream of HUHs over her weird choices. Next year, Barbara should stop with the trickery and keep it honest. She needs to change the title of her list to the 10 Least Fascinating People, because some of the people on this year’s list are about as fascinating as a piece of chewed, wet cauliflower stuck to a string of floss.
Barbara’s Most Fascinating People list included Chelsea Handler, ScarJo (?????), Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan (??????), Elon Musk, Oprah, Taylor Swift, George RR Martin and David H. Koch. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and according to Babwa, 2 of the most fascinating are a People’s Choice-nominated actress and the co-host of a morning show that’s on the network she works for. The word “fascinating” really needs to file a lawsuit against Barbra for slandering it over and over again. Because Barbara’s list was the opposite of fascinating, I figured that her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 would be Blake Lively. Barbra went with Amal Clooney instead and sure, she’s a well-spoken, educated human rights lawyer, but she only became fascinating when she married Booker from Roseanne:
More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:
“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”
I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:
“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.
I’m just going to choose to believe that Christian Bale is working that flipped mane and stache because he’s preparing to play Yanni in a movie.
Christian Bale recently said in an interview with the Wall Street Journal that the likes of George Clooney need to have a seat and turn off the whine switch in their system, because he’s sick of hearing them bitch and moan about the paparazzi. Christian, who whined about the paps during that interview, said that all the celebrity whining is BOOOORING and he prefers not to whine about it. In case you forgot, here’s a piece of what he said:
“It’s like, come on, guys, just shut up. Just get on with it and live your lives and stop whining about it. I prefer not to whine about it.”
Well, at the NYC premiere of Exodus at the Brooklyn Museum on Sunday night, E! News brought up Christian’s pro tip for George Clooney. Christian played dumb. Christian said that he doesn’t remember dragging George and the WSJ must’ve twisted his words a bit:
“I was scratching my head when I heard that. I said, ‘When on earth would I had said that? I’ve got immense respect for him and I can’t even begin to imagine the invasion of his privacy. Our lives don’t even begin to compare. He’s a true movie star. I’m just somebody who was lucky to get a job. So, yeah, it was possibly just a well-intentioned edit. But certainly, I never meant any disrespect whatsoever.”
Out of all the things to backpedal on, this is not one of them. This is not the Christian Bale I want. I want the Christian Bale who calls out celebrities and contradicts himself like crazy while doing so. I don’t want a Christian Bale who sticks his tongue up George Clooney’s b-hole and plays nice because he wants to get invited to the Lake Como villa one day.
Harpo, who dis Christian Bale?
George Clooney, the handsome smirk that came to life one day when a charming angel blew an air kiss to a three-piece suit, is married to a fancy upper crust British lawyer type, so it makes sense that his British TV debut would be on a show about fancy upper crust British types. But since Keeping Up Appearances is only airing new episodes in my dreams (not to mention that Hyacinth Bucket would NEVER with someone as déclassé Booker from Roseanne), he had to go with the next best thing, Downton Abbey.
George’s appearance is for the Downton Abbey Christmas special, and it’s not clear if he’s playing a time-traveling character that just so happens to look and act exactly like Hollywood film star George Clooney or George Clooney’s long-lost British dandy cousin George H. Crawley, but I bet we can expect him to lay lots of smooth charm on the Dowager Countess. “Well well well, what do we have here? Lady Mary didn’t tell me she had a foxy older sister. Why don’t you grab that bottle of cherry cordial and I’ll tell you all about how much I hate electricity.”
And in case you’re not a person from the UK, you’re probably wondering what the hell Text Santa is. Apparently it’s (“Oh boy, here we go…” said all the British people) a fundraiser/telethon. So maybe George’s appearance on DA is like a charity auction thing where he donated a bunch of money in exchange for a walk-on role. Or maybe he just wanted to hang out with Isis the dog? Yeah, that’s probably it.
Christian Bale loves to bitch and yell. Christian Bale yells at his mom. Christian Bale yells and bitches at the DP of the movie he’s shooting. Christian Bale yells and bitches at everyone and everything. If at the end of the day, Christian doesn’t have wind burns on his tonsils from yelling and bitching so much, then he didn’t have a good day. So a Christian Bale interview wouldn’t be complete without him bitching out a trick. In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, Christian Bale bitches about George Clooney bitching about the paparazzi.
According to Woman’s Day Magazine (via The Daily Mail) George Clooney and his wife of two months, Fancy Lawyer Barbie (human name: Amal Clooney) are apparently looking to adopt a baby friend. However, not just any baby will do (sorry, crazy woman at the end of my street who is always trying to give away baby bunnies); a source claims that George and Amal want to get a baby from a “war-torn country”, because they want to use the adoption to “highlight the plight of orphans in countries like Syria.”
Obviously, adopting a baby from a war-torn county like Syria would make sense for those two, since Amal is a fancy human rights lawyer and George loves attention. But those Syrian babies might want to hold off on packing their bags for Lake Como and learning how to say “I said I wanted sparkling spring water in my bottle!” in Italian; a rep for George tells Gossip Cop that the rumor that he and Amal are baby shopping is “100% fabricated.”
Even though Georgie’s rep says this adoption business is bullshit, I still want to believe that George and Amal will adopt a baby. But why does it have to be a baby? Why not a full-grown adult? I want to live at their fancy-ass house in Italy! Amal and George are super into helping people and shit, so I’m sure if they saw me, they’d be like “Why does she smell like Monster energy drink? Is she using bar soap as shampoo? Oh dear god, this human needs our help.“
Because George and Amal Clooney are the first people who have ever gotten married and they want their never-ending wedding extravaganza celebrations to last longer than their marriage, there was another goddamn party for them in England last night. The catering industry and makers of rental tables hope this marriage lasts as long as possible, because these two are the types who will renew their vows every single month at a vow renewal party hosted by Hello! Magazine.
People says that this latest wedding party was hosted by Amal’s mom and dad and was mainly held for her family and friends who couldn’t make it to Venice. 200 friends and family, some of which traveled thousands of miles to be there, partied at Danesfield House Hotel in Buckinghamshire. Some source (Hi, George’s pr team!) told People that last night’s party was a lot less star-studded and glamorously opulent than their wedding.
“George was very nice, absolutely adorable. Amal looked incredible and they seem very, very much in love. George went from table to table to meet everyone and at more than one table, when he noticed glasses were empty, he got a bottle and poured wine into everyone’s glasses. It was a very sympathique soiree. Very polished and a little low-key than you thought it might be. There were no other famous people. It was 90 percent her family. It was a lovely family celebration.”
Some creamed all over Amal’s wedding fashion game, but I say that she definitely saved the hottest look for this party. The failed showgirl turned side piece moll of a low-ranking Reno, NV gangster look IS the look. Hopefully for the one month marriage anniversary party and six-week marriage anniversary (etc…etc…), Amal continues to get her dresses from the “Boardwalk Empire on a budget” section of Halloween Town.
And now let’s toast to Amal Clooney’s perfect eyebrow situation:
I, for one, hope all of this is part of George’s plan to run for office, because we deserve a politician’s wife whose eyebrows give me Count Chocula with a dash of Bianca Del Rio.
Well, I guess George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s circus extravaganza of a wedding was only a preview of what’s to come, because it looks like their entire life is going to be like the end of Sunset Blvd. Cameras! Flashes! Glamour! Flashes!
People says that Amal is going by “Amal Clooney” professionally and now the 2 people on the planet who didn’t see her in a wedding dress next to George Clooney on the cover of every magazine will see her last name and know that she must be married to huge Hollywood star George Clooney. I, for one, hate that Amal changed her name. Because if skinny fat gays ever become in demand in the gay porn world, I was going to change “careers” and go by the porn name Anal Clooney. And now I can’t thanks to Amal’s ass.
The future First Lady to George Clooney’s future President went back to work in Athens, Greece today and when she showed up to her hotel, dozens of photographers and “fans” screamed for her. What? Dozens of photographers and fans don’t line your walkway and scream for you when you come home after a day of work? As Amal sashayed down the stroll to her hotel and smiled at her adoring subjects, you could practically hear her say to herself, “Click! Flash! Wow! Bang! Wink! Smack! Fornarina!”
Amal is in Athens to meet with officials from the Greek government to talk about what their legal options are for trying to get back a collection of classic Greek sculptures called the Parthenon Marbles from the British Museum in London. A British diplomat named Thomas Bruce ALLEGEDLY stole them from the Acropolis more than 200 years ago and Greece wants them back. Are we sure the Marbles snatcher’s full name is Thomas Bruce? Are we sure his full name isn’t Thomas Bruce Lohan? Anyway, who cares about all that legal boring stuff when our new Jackie O is in Greece! I’m sure that if Amal’s firm represents Greece and the case goes to trial, the judge will immediately declare her side the winner before saying, “Okay, now that we got that stuff out of the way, what’s Matt Damon like?”
Because the universe heard you when you thought to yourself yesterday, “I really haven’t seen or heard enough about George Clooney’s motherfucking wedding,” People, Hello!, The New York Post and Vogue all threw up pictures of Amal Alamuddin’s wedding dress today. I fully expect to see close-up pictures of the food in Food & Wine Magazine, a 35-page profile in Boating Magazine about the boat they rode in, pictures of the custom-made wedding night anal beads they used in Hustler Magazine and an interview in Dog Fancy with the stray dogs in Venice who watched the wedding through a window. It’s only just begun! And you’re probably looking at that cover of People and thinking to yourself, “Tell me more about the Property Brothers at home…”
People and Hello! not only published dozens of pictures, but also a million details. Clooney wore Giorgio Armani, his cufflinks from his bride had his name in Arabic etched into them, Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, there were 100 guests from 30 countries, the ugly cake was almost as big as Clooney’s ego, their first dance was to Cole Porter’s “Why Shouldn’t I?“, family friend Nora Sagal sang Irving Berlin’s “Always” and they got married in Italy because they met there. Amal’s mother said a few words to People about the wedding and I’m sure those words were not written by George Clooney’s PR team:
“George and Amal radiated love all night. The wedding was so unbelievably special, it was legendary. These three days – the friends, the families, the atmosphere, everything – will stay with me all the rest of my life.”
Inside Edition says that the wedding cost $13 million. Clooney and Amal got paid for the pictures, of course, and they’re donating the cash to charity.
Also, guests were all given an iPod with Clooney and Amal’s favorite songs on them. More like iBarf. Bono was a guest, so I’m guessing that the bottom of the Grand Canal in Venice is now an iPod graveyard. Because as soon as guests started up their iPods and noticed that U2′s new album was on it, they threw that shit in the water.
After the cut is a picture of AlaLooney on Hello! and Amal at her dress fitting with Oscar de la Renta. Sadly, I didn’t include any pictures of the Property Brothers at home.