Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
I see that George and Amal Clooney are trying to be the Brangelina of shelter dogs. While some rich dumb fucks are spending the price of a really nice car (or a condo in Scottsdale) on a dog, George and Amal have given a luxurious home to a down-and-out soul in need. The San Gabriel Valley Humane Society (Shout out to the SGV!) says that George and Amal recently stopped in to adopt a 4-year-old Basset Hound mix they found on PetFinder. Earlier this month, Millie the Basset Hound was found scrounging for food scraps in front of a restaurant and now she’s living that opulent life in mansions and shit. The SGVHS said this on their site:
Today her luck changed for the better when she was adopted by George and Amal Clooney. They were searching for a basset hound and saw Millie’s picture on Petfinder.
They did a ‘meet and greet’ with her and spent time introducing her to their other rescue, a cocker spaniel named Louie. It was good news that Millie and Louie hit it off and the happy, new family headed home together! We hope Millie will stay in touch and send photos. Congratulations to the Clooney family and thank you for adopting!
If I would’ve known that George and Amal were looking to adopt a new dog, I would’ve slipped on a dog mask (“You don’t need a mask, bitch!” – you) and put an ad on Petfinder. Because the life IS lapping up Casawhatever tequila from a bowl on the terrace of a Lake Como villa while Amal is busy doing international law stuff and George is busy making commercials for Japanese beer brands. I wouldn’t even care if they trotted me out for a good old-fashioned photo-op. Speaking of, this is what’s happening in that picture:
Millie: “Noooooooooo! No pictures! No pictures!”
Louie: “Get used to it, bitch.”
Pic: SGV Humane Society
By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.
“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”
Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.
According to People, Amal Clooney is currently risking her life in the Maldives where she’s meeting with her client, the country’s former president who’s in prison right now. While Amal was busy doing that, her over-baked trophy husband George Clooney was in NYC doing a much MUCH much more important job. George was Stephen Colbert’s very first guest on The Late Show last night and his only jobs were to talk about himself and christen the guest chair with a fart.
Besides being George Clooney, George Clooney didn’t really have anything to promote, so he showed a fake movie trailer he made in the hallway 10 minutes before coming out and Colbert brought up his current favorite project to talk about: his marriage. After Colbert gave Clooney a belated wedding gift (a Tiffany paperweight with the words “I Don’t Know You” on it), Clooney called himself Amal’s trophy piece and bragged that they proved the hating whores wrong! via People
Colbert prodded the leading man about his marriage to human rights lawyer Amal, with Clooney joking, “They said it wouldn’t last.” Colbert said he had no doubt the newlyweds would go the distance and asked Clooney what it was like to be “the arm candy in the relationship.”
“Because she’s a very serious person. She must say, ‘we’re going to meet some extremely intelligent people tonight,’ ” said Colbert. Clooney said of his new arm candy status: “”Shiny and pretty – that’s mostly what I do now.”
George and Amal will celebrate their 1st anniversary of cheesing it up for the cameras on September 27th, and it feels like it was only five seconds ago when we nearly tore our eye muscles from rolling our eyeballs over those two giving FACE FACE FACE to the paps. My eye muscles haven’t even completely healed yet and they’re already celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary. But really, George doesn’t give us hating whores enough credit. Us hating, bitter whores figure that George’s marriage will last until at least the middle of 2016, because what’s the point of getting married if he’s not going to use his wife for a minimum of 2 award seasons?
And if you didn’t watch Colbert’s first show, this is really the only moment you need to see:
I don’t know what this says about me, but I was secretly hoping that Stephen Colbert’s pants would split and he’d give us a Lenny.
Pics: Splash, CBS
George and Amal Clooney continued to show the world that they’re the GREATEST COUPLE WHO EVER EXISTED by getting into a good old-fashioned staged canoodling session in front of a photographer at a party for his tequila brand in Ibiza, Spain last night. I’m going to choose to believe that the dude in the black shirt on the right witnessed their love-in-motion earlier in the day and was so inspired that he immediately ran out and got that Amal Clooney tattoo on his arm. (He’ll add the George Clooney tattoo later.)
George and Amal were in Ibiza with Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber over the weekend to whore out their Casamigos tequila. Last night, they threw a launch party at the Ushuaia Ibiza Beach Hotel. You know, Vanity Fair recently put Amal Clooney on their best dressed list and I didn’t see it at all until my eyes landed on these pictures of her wearing a $2,400 dress that looks like it came directly from the closet of Nomi Malone. I love that dress, because it’s gold, sparkly, looks like it was bought from the clearance rack of a Joyce Leslie in New Jersey and would fit in anywhere from the ho stroll in Atlantic City to a Studio 54-theme night at a club in Reno. Those white panties under that slightly see-through dress was a nice, elegant touch too. More of this, Amal! I also love that George Clooney didn’t even try.
And somewhere, Sarah Larson is thinking to herself, “She looks like a cheap cocktail waitress at a bottom level Las Vegas casino. George totally misses me.”
The good news is that George Clooney is taking a quick break from telling the world that he loves Amal Clooney more than Kanye loves Kanye, more than White Oprah loves an open bar, more than John Travolta’s prostate loves a good rubdown, etc… etc… The bad news is that George Clooney has handed the baton over to a supposed friend named Kathy Lette (more like, “Kathy Lette’s Not”) who laid it on so thick that you will need to put on a snorkel mask before reading or else you’ll drown in the verbal cheese vomit she spews out.
Raise your hand if you too just got the mental image of George Clooney shouting “I’m knocking up the most beautiful, stylish, smart, kind, amazing woman aliiiive” as he busts a tequila trouser worm nut into his wife Amal Clooney.
According to UsWeekly, 54-year-old George Clooney and 37-year-old Amal have decided that it’s the right time to make a baby. A source claims they’ve recently visited a fertility center, and that Amal is freeing up her schedule by not taking on any extra cases at work. Meanwhile, George is getting ready by choreographing his hand placement on Amal’s stomach for their first “She’s pregnant!” pics for the paparazzi. Another source says they’re fixing up their $15 million house in the English countryside to include a room for Baby Clooney, who they hope will make an appearance in London sometime next year.
George said back in May that the idea of spawning hasn’t been high on his to-do list, but another source says that hanging around his friends and their kids have changed that. The same source says George thinks Amal “will be a great mother.” Oh, I’m sure she will! And I’m sure George will remind us at least 20,037 times in the nine months leading up to Baby Clooney’s birth.
Here’s George and Amal and their families out for dinner in Italy last night.
As if you couldn’t already guess from the hard-core through-the-glasses death stare he’s giving above, George Clooney isn’t crazy about the small army of paparazzi that hang around his Lake Como home. I guess some paps have pretty deep pockets, because even with the threat of a €500 fine, they’re still hanging around George’s house like Dina Lohan behind the delivery entrance of her local liquor store. Basically, they’re never going to leave, ever. So Page Six says George’s solution to his pap problem is to sell the house.
Sources say that George got an offer on his Lake Perry Como house for $100 million (it sounds like Dr. Evil is looking for a new evil lair) and he’s thinking about taking it. George bought his Italian villa in 2002 for about $10 million, which means if he sold it now, he could make enough money from the sale to buy a new boat and name it something better than “BOAT“.
But George isn’t going to leave Lake Comb-Over forever. A source claims George is “like the mayor of the lake” and that everyone loves him. So he’ll probably sell his house and buy something a little more private. That way, he and first lady Amal Clooney can still cruise around waving and blowing air kisses at the locals without the paps bothering them.
I’m still not sure why the paps need so many pictures of Dr. Doug Ross hanging around his Italian vacation home. If you’ve seen one picture of George Clooney in a casual button-up, you’ve seen them all. Are there not more in-demand pictures out there? What about hi-res close-ups of Channing Tatum jogging? Or Jon Hamm jogging? Or any hot guy jogging? Surely I’m not the only one who will pay top dollar (aka $20 on an Olive Garden gift card) for those pics.
During a recent interview with BBC Radio 4 (via UsWeekly), George Clooney confessed that you’ll never see his face pulled tighter than a pair of Spanx across a Kardashian ass because he thinks plastic surgery makes you look busted. Ooh, who’s the hater now? When asked if he’s ever been tempted to dye his hair or inject 50CC’s of medical-grade filler into his 54-year-old forehead lines, he answered:
“Clearly, I haven’t. For me, it isn’t an issue or an option. I don’t think it would make much sense, quite honestly…I’ve seen it happen and…particularly on men, I don’t think it really works well. I actually think it makes you look older.
I will say that there’s nothing fun—and I know for actresses it’s infinitely worse because of public perception based on nothing except studios not hiring them and those sorts of things—but I think for all of us, you have to come to terms with getting older and not trying to fight it.”
Even though studies have shown that most Hollywood types who go under the knife come out looking as fresh as a dew-kissed daisy blossom (see: every gorgeous plastic cat-faced beauty and Real Housewife), George Clooney seems to have this crazy idea that plastic surgery makes you look older. Really? Tell that to these two stunning beauties who I believe are legally allowed to have the word “AGELESS” written as their birth date on their driver’s license.
Regardless, no plastic surgery bills means more money in George’s pocket, and according to Star magazine, all that extra cash has got his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney smacking her lips and rubbing her hands like an old-timey villian while she picks out her best gold-digging shovel. A “source” claims she’s been blowing through $2 million a month and his friends are worried she’s just with him for the cash. Of course, Gossip Cop calls bullshit and that Amal isn’t after George’s Facts of Life residual checks. Well, DUH! Out of all the 6,039,752 times George has yammered on about Amal, he’s never once mentioned an appetite for wallet humping.
When we last left George Clooney, he was hating on the fat, ugly, jelliz haters for hating on him and I was a little concerned. I was concerned because he wasn’t mouth squirting out a sticky river of sappiness about the second greatest love of his life (the first being George Clooney) Amal Clooney. But thankfully, he’s done with talking about other things than Amal.
While promoting Tomatoland on CBS This Morning, George told Charlie Rose about how he sprung the whole engagement thing on Amal without talking about it first. You may be thinking that their engagement was really romantic and involved his lawyer passing her lawyer a 5-year contract in a conference room somewhere, but no. It wasn’t that romantic. George says that while at home, he put on one of his aunt Rosemary Cloony’s albums and dropped to one knee. Amal was so OMGICANTBELIEVESURPRISED about the proposal that he was on his knee for so long that he almost pressed his Life Alert button for help. via E! News
“When I asked her, you know, we’d never talked about it. There wasn’t like a, ‘Maybe we should get married’ [conversation]. I dropped it on her! “I asked her, and she just kept saying, ‘Oh my, God,’ and ‘Wow,’ and we just sat there. And finally, I just said, ‘Listen, I’m 53 at the time, or 52 at the time, I think. I said, ‘I’ve been on my knee for about 28 minutes so I gotta get an answer out of this because I’m gonna throw a hip out! I might not be able to stand back up.
I knew fairly quickly that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Amal. When you know, you know! [We have] vowed to try never to spend a week apart. I’ve never been happier. You can’t imagine.”
George is obviously (I think) joking about being on his knee for 28 minutes. If he’s not, then he should’ve been helped up by two men in white coats, because he’s nuts. There are only a few good reasons to be on your knees that long and proposing to someone isn’t one of them. You should only be on your knees that long if you’re praying for something really important (examples: for George Clooney to shut about Amal already, for the Jem and the Holograms movie to be a really late April Fool’s joke, for Jell-o 1-2-3 to make a comeback, etc…) or if you’re sucking dick. But if you’re on your knees sucking the same dick for 28 minutes straight, then you should probably also pray for him to fucking cum before your jaw quits your mouth.
Here’s George at the Tomorrowland premiere in London a few days ago.