Brangelina may be over, but at least we’ll always have these wax figures of her looking like a brown-headed fun house mirror Mena Suvari and him looking like Willie Nelson after falling asleep in the sun with Crisco on his face.
TMZ posted the divorce papers that Angelina Jolie filed yesterday, and I had to double check to make sure she really put “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for why her marriage is done and not “By The Sea.” St. Angie also said in the documents that she wants to share legal custody of the child army, but she wants sole physical custody with Brad Pitt getting visitation rights. St. Angie reportedly wants sole custody, because Brad is an angry stoner drunk and she thinks he’s a danger to their 6 kids. Team Brad is fighting back and shitting on those claims. Brad may ask for joint physical custody, which means that shit could get messier than the back of his chonies when he lets out a Taco Bell-infused stoner shart.
This particular People cover doesn’t have anything to do with this post. I just want to know Kimmy Gibbler’s secrets now.
Following in the legendary footsteps of Arnetta the Moodsetta and the safety slide-utilizing Jet Blue flight attendant, People magazine reporter Sara Hammel quit her gig by spilling the tea on the magazine (and a couple of celebrities) in an e-mail blast on Monday.
Hammel’s resignation snatched at the wigs belonging to George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez and an unnamed Hollywood A-Lister who was such a perv to her that she wanted to stab him in the balls with her reportin’ pen. She also noted that Lt. Olivia Benson (the celebrity not the cat) rivals Claire Danes when it comes to the ugly-cry.
While the cast of Cafe Society is nervously crossing their fingers and hoping that nobody else asks about or makes any jokes about Woody Allen’s alleged gross ways, the cast of Money Monster is apparently having a great time at Cannes. Or maybe they’re just happy that the worst thing they have to deal with are sort-of “Meh” reviews. Yesterday, Julia Roberts and George Clooney were caught giggling their asses off at the Money Monster photocall, and today they were doing the same thing at the premiere.
Whatever airline Julia flew to France on clearly lost her bag containing all her fucks, because didn’t have a single one. She was cackling and clinging onto Clooney for stability like she had just hit up the deux-pour-un champagne happy hour at the hotel. About halfway up the red carpet, she kicked off her heels and walked the rest of it barefoot. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Julia knows how to do Cannes right. Even though Julia and George make the cutest couple on the red carpet, she wasn’t actually his date. That honor goes to Amal Clooney, of course, who wore what looks like a dead-ringer for the most expensive gown in the bridesmaid section of David’s Bridal.
I don’t know what George and Amal are looking at, but based on Amal’s ‘restrained horror’ face, I’m going to assume it’s the moment Julia whipped off her shoes. “How frightfully horrible. George, tell that woman to put her footwear back on before I report her to the proper authorities and she’s escorted off the property.”
Here’s more from the Money Monster premiere. I’ve also included some pictures of Susan Sarandon, who isn’t in the movie, but looks really good. According to me, at least. Piers Morgan, on the other hand, is probably on the ground unconscious after clutching his pearls so hard he cut off the circulation to his head.
“No honey, wind is not caused by too many people sneezing at the same time” is a conversation that Amal Clooney may or may not be having with her husband in the picture above. When George Clooney married smart human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin back in 2014, he should have called up The Learning Annex and asked if they offered any night school classes in communicating with your smart human rights lawyer wife.
Unlike his pal Brad Pitt, who appears to have found a rip in the space-time continuum and is aging backwards, George Clooney is clearly getting older every year. In the real world, getting older has tons of benefits: people don’t care if you fall asleep in the middle of the day with your pants off, stores and restaurants practically throw discounts at you.
And even if you hate the idea of getting old, at least vain bitches in the real world have the option of aging in the privacy of their own homes. In Hollywood, you have to do it all on a giant screen. If you’re lucky, you might be able to bribe someone in post-production to CGI the Cryptkeeper out of your face. But it sounds like George Clooney doesn’t want to go to such effort. George told the BBC (via People) that as he gets wrinklier and saggier, he’s probably going to hide behind the camera and direct a whole lot more.
“It’s a very unforgiving thing, the camera is, so aging becomes something you try to do less and less onscreen. You try to pick the films that work best for you and as you age they become less and less. As you age onscreen you get to that point where you really understand you can’t stay in front of the camera for your whole life.”
George has said in the past that he has no plans to de-old his face with surgery, so that option is out.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think George is making too big of a deal out of getting older in the face. George could start to look like a geriatric Shar Pei, and his loyal legion of horny Cloonies will still send him love letters and locks of hair. The only thing that will change is that now their fantasies will be about giving the sponge bath to Dr. Doug Ross instead of the other way around.
It’s been a while since George Clooney and his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney tore up a red carpet like two aspiring teen models on a makeshift catwalk at an open call in a mall, and I was afraid they might have forgotten their signature poses during their time away. But I see they’ve clearly been practicing in front of the mirror in their downtime. Work that Zales Valentine’s Day direct mail flyer attitude, Amal!
George and Amal showed up to the premiere of Georgie’s new movie Hail, Caesar! in Hollywood last night, and they turned that shit out. They were like the Heart Family on HGH. George and Amal clung to each other while staring into each others eyes with that look that says “…but I’m actually staring into your heart.” It’s like their photo-op coach told them before hand to mentally channel one of those Always Kiss Me Goodnight signs.
Sure, maybe it wasn’t intentional – but it doesn’t help that Amal is giving ten tons of Loving You Barbie’s rich society wife cousin in that Sweet 16 party dress. Not to mention that George is dressed in that suspiciously neutral way that makes you feel like the premiere was just a cover so he could surprise Amal with a public vow renewal ceremony. Shit, I better stop talking before I give them any ideas.
Here’s more from the Hail, Caesar! premiere last night, including Channing Tatum, Jenna Dewan Tatum in some sort of Sears bed-in-a-bag dress, Jonah Hill, and a still very hot (don’t judge me) Dolph Lundgren.