The good news is that George Clooney is taking a quick break from telling the world that he loves Amal Clooney more than Kanye loves Kanye, more than White Oprah loves an open bar, more than John Travolta’s prostate loves a good rubdown, etc… etc… The bad news is that George Clooney has handed the baton over to a supposed friend named Kathy Lette (more like, “Kathy Lette’s Not”) who laid it on so thick that you will need to put on a snorkel mask before reading or else you’ll drown in the verbal cheese vomit she spews out.
Raise your hand if you too just got the mental image of George Clooney shouting “I’m knocking up the most beautiful, stylish, smart, kind, amazing woman aliiiive” as he busts a tequila trouser worm nut into his wife Amal Clooney.
According to UsWeekly, 54-year-old George Clooney and 37-year-old Amal have decided that it’s the right time to make a baby. A source claims they’ve recently visited a fertility center, and that Amal is freeing up her schedule by not taking on any extra cases at work. Meanwhile, George is getting ready by choreographing his hand placement on Amal’s stomach for their first “She’s pregnant!” pics for the paparazzi. Another source says they’re fixing up their $15 million house in the English countryside to include a room for Baby Clooney, who they hope will make an appearance in London sometime next year.
George said back in May that the idea of spawning hasn’t been high on his to-do list, but another source says that hanging around his friends and their kids have changed that. The same source says George thinks Amal “will be a great mother.” Oh, I’m sure she will! And I’m sure George will remind us at least 20,037 times in the nine months leading up to Baby Clooney’s birth.
Here’s George and Amal and their families out for dinner in Italy last night.
As if you couldn’t already guess from the hard-core through-the-glasses death stare he’s giving above, George Clooney isn’t crazy about the small army of paparazzi that hang around his Lake Como home. I guess some paps have pretty deep pockets, because even with the threat of a €500 fine, they’re still hanging around George’s house like Dina Lohan behind the delivery entrance of her local liquor store. Basically, they’re never going to leave, ever. So Page Six says George’s solution to his pap problem is to sell the house.
Sources say that George got an offer on his Lake Perry Como house for $100 million (it sounds like Dr. Evil is looking for a new evil lair) and he’s thinking about taking it. George bought his Italian villa in 2002 for about $10 million, which means if he sold it now, he could make enough money from the sale to buy a new boat and name it something better than “BOAT“.
But George isn’t going to leave Lake Comb-Over forever. A source claims George is “like the mayor of the lake” and that everyone loves him. So he’ll probably sell his house and buy something a little more private. That way, he and first lady Amal Clooney can still cruise around waving and blowing air kisses at the locals without the paps bothering them.
I’m still not sure why the paps need so many pictures of Dr. Doug Ross hanging around his Italian vacation home. If you’ve seen one picture of George Clooney in a casual button-up, you’ve seen them all. Are there not more in-demand pictures out there? What about hi-res close-ups of Channing Tatum jogging? Or Jon Hamm jogging? Or any hot guy jogging? Surely I’m not the only one who will pay top dollar (aka $20 on an Olive Garden gift card) for those pics.
During a recent interview with BBC Radio 4 (via UsWeekly), George Clooney confessed that you’ll never see his face pulled tighter than a pair of Spanx across a Kardashian ass because he thinks plastic surgery makes you look busted. Ooh, who’s the hater now? When asked if he’s ever been tempted to dye his hair or inject 50CC’s of medical-grade filler into his 54-year-old forehead lines, he answered:
“Clearly, I haven’t. For me, it isn’t an issue or an option. I don’t think it would make much sense, quite honestly…I’ve seen it happen and…particularly on men, I don’t think it really works well. I actually think it makes you look older.
I will say that there’s nothing fun—and I know for actresses it’s infinitely worse because of public perception based on nothing except studios not hiring them and those sorts of things—but I think for all of us, you have to come to terms with getting older and not trying to fight it.”
Even though studies have shown that most Hollywood types who go under the knife come out looking as fresh as a dew-kissed daisy blossom (see: every gorgeous plastic cat-faced beauty and Real Housewife), George Clooney seems to have this crazy idea that plastic surgery makes you look older. Really? Tell that to these two stunning beauties who I believe are legally allowed to have the word “AGELESS” written as their birth date on their driver’s license.
Regardless, no plastic surgery bills means more money in George’s pocket, and according to Star magazine, all that extra cash has got his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney smacking her lips and rubbing her hands like an old-timey villian while she picks out her best gold-digging shovel. A “source” claims she’s been blowing through $2 million a month and his friends are worried she’s just with him for the cash. Of course, Gossip Cop calls bullshit and that Amal isn’t after George’s Facts of Life residual checks. Well, DUH! Out of all the 6,039,752 times George has yammered on about Amal, he’s never once mentioned an appetite for wallet humping.
When we last left George Clooney, he was hating on the fat, ugly, jelliz haters for hating on him and I was a little concerned. I was concerned because he wasn’t mouth squirting out a sticky river of sappiness about the second greatest love of his life (the first being George Clooney) Amal Clooney. But thankfully, he’s done with talking about other things than Amal.
While promoting Tomatoland on CBS This Morning, George told Charlie Rose about how he sprung the whole engagement thing on Amal without talking about it first. You may be thinking that their engagement was really romantic and involved his lawyer passing her lawyer a 5-year contract in a conference room somewhere, but no. It wasn’t that romantic. George says that while at home, he put on one of his aunt Rosemary Cloony’s albums and dropped to one knee. Amal was so OMGICANTBELIEVESURPRISED about the proposal that he was on his knee for so long that he almost pressed his Life Alert button for help. via E! News
“When I asked her, you know, we’d never talked about it. There wasn’t like a, ‘Maybe we should get married’ [conversation]. I dropped it on her! “I asked her, and she just kept saying, ‘Oh my, God,’ and ‘Wow,’ and we just sat there. And finally, I just said, ‘Listen, I’m 53 at the time, or 52 at the time, I think. I said, ‘I’ve been on my knee for about 28 minutes so I gotta get an answer out of this because I’m gonna throw a hip out! I might not be able to stand back up.
I knew fairly quickly that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Amal. When you know, you know! [We have] vowed to try never to spend a week apart. I’ve never been happier. You can’t imagine.”
George is obviously (I think) joking about being on his knee for 28 minutes. If he’s not, then he should’ve been helped up by two men in white coats, because he’s nuts. There are only a few good reasons to be on your knees that long and proposing to someone isn’t one of them. You should only be on your knees that long if you’re praying for something really important (examples: for George Clooney to shut about Amal already, for the Jem and the Holograms movie to be a really late April Fool’s joke, for Jell-o 1-2-3 to make a comeback, etc…) or if you’re sucking dick. But if you’re on your knees sucking the same dick for 28 minutes straight, then you should probably also pray for him to fucking cum before your jaw quits your mouth.
Here’s George at the Tomorrowland premiere in London a few days ago.
Congratulations, fellow haters! We did it! It’s finally our time. YAY! Okay, that’s enough happy time. Now let’s get back to moaning, groaning, bitching and hating.
Seen above having a moment of reflection and realizing that he’s married now and can’t freely just dive face first into cocktail waitress ass, George Clooney took a break from verbally jacking off his marriage to say that we’re living in a time when it’s in to be a negative shithead. Vulture recently interviewed George, director Brad Bird and co-writer Damon Lindelof about their new movie Tomorrowland and they were asked about Joss Whedon quitting Twitter because he didn’t want to deal with getting caca bombs of hate thrown at him anymore. I guess Damon deals with Twitter hate all the time and during filming, George judged his ass and wondered why he was wasting his energy on that crap. George then went on to say that the internet and social media has allowed bitter bitches to spew shit freely. Why is everyone looking at me?!
Listen, we’re at sort of a cynical time in society. Don’t ever read comments on anything! People can live anonymously, and I honestly think that when they were talking about freedom of speech in 1787, the theory was that you had to own your speech. It had to belong to you, and you actually had to take some responsibility for it. Now you can just sit alone and say horrible things, and it becomes fashionable to be shitty to people. Now people will come up to me, thinking they’re keeping it real, and they say, “I hated you in that last movie!” And I’ll look at them and go, “Well, I think those extra 20 pounds look good on you.” It’s become a much more cynical time, a time when people think it’s fun to only be negative.
So, he hates how asshole-y everyone has become and he responds to the hate by busting out some “Well, well…you’re fat” shit? Oh, George, you’re one of us. Stop fighting it. Now come sit next to me down in my dungeon of cuntiness and let’s throw some hate together. We’ll start with these pictures of you at the Tomorrowland premiere in Valencia, Spain today…
And no, not a dramatic after school-style slap fight behind their trailers while the rest of the crew formed a circle around them yelling “FINISH HIM! SCRATCH THE PRETTY OFF HIS FACE!” (I wish). According to Page Six, it was a just regular old mouth fight between George Clooney and Tom Ford, but it was bad enough that it made Georgie quit the movie they were working on together.
George was supposed to produce Tom’s upcoming movie Nocturnal Animals, which stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Amy Adams. But a “source” claims that’s not happening anymore because the two got into it and now Tom Ford is looking for a new producer.
“Ford is in Cannes because George Clooney was to produce the movie through his Smokehouse Pictures, with Grant Heslov. But they had a huge falling out over creative issues a few weeks ago, and Clooney is no longer involved.”
However, George Clooney wants you to know it was nowhere near that dramatic. George took a break from his tireless efforts as Just Stop‘s unofficial embassador to tell Page Six the real reason for why he quit.
“No falling out at all. It was just scheduling. Grant and I love the project and think Tom is fantastic. We just couldn’t do it when he needed to go.”
Meanwhile, Tom Ford isn’t saying anything just yet, but that could be because he’s too busy running around trying to find a new producer.
Now I’m curious about what that alleged fight was about. I’m guessing either Tom got tired of George bugging him to replace Amy Adams with his “amazing” wife Amal Clooney, or George caught Tom giving him a face full of bitchy side-eye when he caught him going back for second danish at the craft services table.
Here’s George looking like a suburban dad on his way to a weekend motorcycle meet-up in the parking lot of a Friendly’s while leaving the Late Show yesterday:
In this case “PDA” stands for Public Display of AnnoyinglyChoreographedAffection.
George Clooney isn’t done trying to make us all believe that he loves Amal more than he loves himself. (Side note: If your gutter brain read that as “loves anal more than he loves himself,” you probably shrugged, said “I already knew that” and kept it moving.) At the premiere of Tomorrowland (which sadly isn’t a riveting biopic about the Tomorrowland Terrace Band) at Downtown Disney in Anaheim, CA yesterday, George continued to slobber at the mouth hole about how he worships Amal Clooney the same way I worship my bong. While talking to People about his wife, George spilled out some shit that Jerry Maguire would say and I kept waiting for him to say, “Amal completes me.”
“All I know is that it sort of changed everything in terms of what I thought my future – my personal future – was going to be. But I’ve always been an optimist about the world. I wasn’t always completely optimistic about how it was going to work out personally for me. But now I am.”
George didn’t stop there. While posing with Amal, who wore a high school drill team uniform, and her niece, George grabbed her hand and dry kissed it in front of the paps. If Amal wasn’t wearing sunglasses, you would clearly see the look of pure disgust on her face. I mean, that’s not how they rehearsed it. George was supposed to rip open his shirt revealing his “I Heart Amal” chest tattoo before dropping to his knees to make out with her hand as assistants wheeled in the yellow leather couch he’d later jump on. That’s how it was supposed to go down. Amal did not spend an entire afternoon rehearsing their PDA stunt just so George could half ass it with a tiny little hand kiss.
And here’s more of George, who looks like the face of my Sunday hangover, and Amal as well as pictures of all the bright shining stars (Ashley Tisdale and some Dancing with the Has-Beens dancers) who came out for the premiere yesterday.
That guy standing behind them is making the same face I make whenever George Clooney busts a verbal love nut over Amal Clooney. It’s the face that says “So we’re doing this again, I see.” Nipple Suit Batman recently spoke to Entertainment Tonight about that Disneyland
commercial movie he’s in, and of course the conversation turned to his fancy lawyer wife. No, they didn’t ask if Amal has ever hurled on Space Mountain (I wish). Nancy O’Dell asked if one of the reasons George fell in love with Amal is because she wants to make a difference in the world, and George answered:
“Well, there’s a lot of reasons. She’s an amazing human being and she’s caring. And she also happens to be one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. And she’s got a great sense of humor. There’s a number of reasons why. I’m always very proud of her when I see her speaking at the International Court of Appeals in Strasbourg, you know, with her robe on. It’s very impressive.”
And that’s not the first time this week he pulled out his Chapstick, rimmed his lips three times, puckered up and left a trail of greasy kisses all over Amal’s ass. George also did the same thing on Extra, but this time he kept it about how good Amal looks in clothes.
“From the day I met her, she has the incredibly eclectic, sort of wild style. She just has her own style, she doesn’t have a stylist or anything, she just picks clothes. She shows up, and I’m like, that’s unbelievable, she’ll tell me she’s gonna wear some dress, then I see it and I’m like, wow, that’s stunning.”
I’m sure George will continue to spread the good news of Amal Clooney by making his way through every celebrity news show. Today it’s ET and Extra, tomorrow it’s Access Hollywood and The Insider. Then he’ll go back in time to 1993 and appear on A Current Affair. Then he’ll go back even further to 1973 and star in a variety show called Amal Yours, Baby!. Actually, I would totally watch that.
Don’t Even Think Of Going Near George Clooney’s Lake Como Villa Unless You Want To Be Hit With A $550 Fine
Roberto Pozzi, the mayor of Laglio, Italy, has let the paparazzi, fans and other unwanted tricks (see: Sarah Larson looking for a loan) know that the land around George Clooney’s villas in Lake Como are now protected by the law and if a bitch so much as touches the sacred grounds around Villa d’Smuggy, they could be slapped down with a €500 fine. I would post pictures of George Clooney’s villas, but if I did and you looked at them, you could find a bill for $550 in your inbox.
The Telegraph says that Mayor Roberto Pozzi issued an ordinance stating that anyone who gets out of their car or boat while within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be labeled dirty trespassers and could face a €500 fine. George and Amal Clooney are reportedly going to spend a piece of their summer in Lake Como, so the mayor wants to make sure that nobody bothers them. The mayor issued a similar ordinance last year.
Oh, THE RICH and THE FAMOUS! They get the mayor to issue an ordinance that keeps away pesky tricks while us peasants have to have to shut out mouths and crawl around on the floor while waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking at our front door to get the hint and go away.
The paparazzi must be so confused and hurt over George kicking them in the asshole like this. They miss the happier days of his STUNT QUEEN wedding extravaganza in Venice when his publicist would give them the exact location of his whereabouts. They were there for him then and this is how he repays them?! Hurtful and rude! But seriously, I doubt a fine is going to keep the paps away. If the mayor really wants the paps to stay away, he should issue an ordinance stating that anyone who steps foot within 100 meters of Clooney’s villas will be thrown into a jail cell where they will be forced to watch Batman & Robin while sober. Not even the damn roaches and rats would go near his villas.