George Clooney, his best friend Rande Gerber and real estate mogul Michael Meldman must like tequila so much that a few years ago they decided to make their own brand called Casamigos. Now, George, Rande and Michael are rich people, so they didn’t make their homemade booze in the basement next to a rolling clothes rack full of winter coats like normal people They had a full-on operation down in Mexico, and eventually it got big enough to sell for $1 billion.
George Clooney’s rep released a statement today saying that Amal Clooney birthed out their twins this morning. I know that the news came from the official rep of the horse’s mouth, but I still won’t believe it until a swarm of locusts crash through my window or until I hear it from the only Clooney baby news source I trust: The Chenbot!
The Daily Mail says that the Clooney twins were born in England and one is a dude and one is a girl. Satan is probably shitting icicles today and that’s because: 1. George Clooney is a literal daddy now. And 2. Two famous people gave their babies completely normal names.
2017’s second-most important set of celebrity twins will soon be upon us, which means it’s time for an update on how George Clooney and Amal Clooney are getting ready. George and Amal are famous people, which means their baby prep is a little fancier than cursing wildly while trying to assemble a Sniglar from IKEA and trying to remember where they put their damn DockATot.
However, just because George and Amal are rich people doesn’t mean they’re currently interviewing a team of nannies so that the paps don’t catch them looking like sleep-deprived zombies during their next photo-op. A source tells E! News that George and Amal won’t be hiring a live-in nanny or a full-time nanny. Instead, they’ll have a short-term night nurse who will help set a sleeping schedule. Amal’s mom Baria Alamuddin will most likely help out with the twins as well.
Amal, who is planning on giving birth in London, will go back to work after six months, but the source says she’ll work mostly from home.
George Clooney’s pre-babies life has been Italian vacations and chugging Casamigos tequila. Twin babies are going to be the most work he’s done in…ever, maybe? George and Amal might not hire a nanny for the babies, but I don’t think it will be long before Amal hires one for George. “George, you must be exhausted. Let’s get you out of those barf-stained clothes and into a hammock for a nap.”
Celebitchy had a post today about how the owner of an ever-changing face, Ellie Goulding, sometimes doesn’t shower after she sweats her pores off while working out. I don’t work out, but I’ve been around people after they’ve worked out and some of them reek like over-worn socks boiling in onion and cumin broth. But Ellie Goulding says she doesn’t stank. I don’t believe her. Look at that picture. She obviously looks woozy in the face and cross-eyed because she got a giant whiff of the moist clouds of armpit gravy wafting up into her nostrils. Ellie being a little dizzy from her own stank would also explain why she agreed to wear that dress.
At the Omega ‘Lost in Space’ 60th Anniversary of Speedmaster event (I don’t know what those words mean either) in London last night, Ellie showed up wearing a dress that looks like a mash-up of prom looks from throughout the years. That black lace part is from a prom dress from the 80s. That black fishnet part is from a prom dress from the 90s. And that black cloth part is from a prom dress that was worn to a prom last week. It also looks like she was invited to a Madonna-themed cocktail party where the dress code is “Dress like your favorite Madonna” and she didn’t know if she should do “Lucky Star Madonna” or “Desperately Seeking Susan Madonna,” so she went as both. But really, that is the perfect dress to wear to a Lost in Space party, because it looks like Ellie’s head and her stylist’s head were floating through the universe when they went with that look.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s event including some of Panty Creamer Hall of Famer David Gandy and George Clooney hamming it up like he’s working the vaudeville circuit or some shit.
Oh how I missed pictures of George Clooney looking like he’s prairie dogging something major, as Amal Clooney doesn’t notice or care since she’s too busy loving the paps and delivering massive amounts of face, glamour, face, exquisite eyebrows and face to their cameras. I really hope that George kept his moaning about having to shit to a minimum so that Amal could focus on bringing the glamour since one of them has to.
Tonight in Paris, Amal Clooney dressed up her double dome of babies in Atelier Versace to escort her husband to the César Awards (the French Oscars to us Americans). George was there to receive an honorary César for his career, or whatever. Since the French really have an eye for art, I’m going to guess that the career montage that played before Clooney’s speech only contained clips from The Facts of Life, The Golden Girls, Roseanne, Sisters and maybe Out of Sight and Ocean’s Eleven. Who cares about his other crap!
As for Amal’s ensemble, I’m torn. On one hand, she’s dressed like my favorite character from Beauty and the Beast: the feather duster. On the other hand, she’s wearing cream with white and mixing what looks like faux fur with feathers. That’s a major no. The only time I’m kind of okay with seeing fake fur and feathers together is when I’m in the pillow section of a Z Gallerie.
George Clooney is about to go from a no-cares guy in his 50’s to a 55-year-old father to twin babies, and there’s a lot of prep work that needs to be done before that happens. George will need to switch out his crystal tequila glasses for some sturdy plastic cups. He might need to retrofit his favorite motorcycle with a custom-made two-baby sidecar, or – gasp! – trade it in for a double-wide stroller situation. I don’t know if George has checked any of that off his list, but one change he’s making is to the places he and Amal Clooney have graced their presence with in the past.