“No honey, wind is not caused by too many people sneezing at the same time” is a conversation that Amal Clooney may or may not be having with her husband in the picture above. When George Clooney married smart human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin back in 2014, he should have called up The Learning Annex and asked if they offered any night school classes in communicating with your smart human rights lawyer wife.
Unlike his pal Brad Pitt, who appears to have found a rip in the space-time continuum and is aging backwards, George Clooney is clearly getting older every year. In the real world, getting older has tons of benefits: people don’t care if you fall asleep in the middle of the day with your pants off, stores and restaurants practically throw discounts at you.
And even if you hate the idea of getting old, at least vain bitches in the real world have the option of aging in the privacy of their own homes. In Hollywood, you have to do it all on a giant screen. If you’re lucky, you might be able to bribe someone in post-production to CGI the Cryptkeeper out of your face. But it sounds like George Clooney doesn’t want to go to such effort. George told the BBC (via People) that as he gets wrinklier and saggier, he’s probably going to hide behind the camera and direct a whole lot more.
“It’s a very unforgiving thing, the camera is, so aging becomes something you try to do less and less onscreen. You try to pick the films that work best for you and as you age they become less and less. As you age onscreen you get to that point where you really understand you can’t stay in front of the camera for your whole life.”
George has said in the past that he has no plans to de-old his face with surgery, so that option is out.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think George is making too big of a deal out of getting older in the face. George could start to look like a geriatric Shar Pei, and his loyal legion of horny Cloonies will still send him love letters and locks of hair. The only thing that will change is that now their fantasies will be about giving the sponge bath to Dr. Doug Ross instead of the other way around.
It’s been a while since George Clooney and his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney tore up a red carpet like two aspiring teen models on a makeshift catwalk at an open call in a mall, and I was afraid they might have forgotten their signature poses during their time away. But I see they’ve clearly been practicing in front of the mirror in their downtime. Work that Zales Valentine’s Day direct mail flyer attitude, Amal!
George and Amal showed up to the premiere of Georgie’s new movie Hail, Caesar! in Hollywood last night, and they turned that shit out. They were like the Heart Family on HGH. George and Amal clung to each other while staring into each others eyes with that look that says “…but I’m actually staring into your heart.” It’s like their photo-op coach told them before hand to mentally channel one of those Always Kiss Me Goodnight signs.
Sure, maybe it wasn’t intentional – but it doesn’t help that Amal is giving ten tons of Loving You Barbie’s rich society wife cousin in that Sweet 16 party dress. Not to mention that George is dressed in that suspiciously neutral way that makes you feel like the premiere was just a cover so he could surprise Amal with a public vow renewal ceremony. Shit, I better stop talking before I give them any ideas.
Here’s more from the Hail, Caesar! premiere last night, including Channing Tatum, Jenna Dewan Tatum in some sort of Sears bed-in-a-bag dress, Jonah Hill, and a still very hot (don’t judge me) Dolph Lundgren.
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
I see that George and Amal Clooney are trying to be the Brangelina of shelter dogs. While some rich dumb fucks are spending the price of a really nice car (or a condo in Scottsdale) on a dog, George and Amal have given a luxurious home to a down-and-out soul in need. The San Gabriel Valley Humane Society (Shout out to the SGV!) says that George and Amal recently stopped in to adopt a 4-year-old Basset Hound mix they found on PetFinder. Earlier this month, Millie the Basset Hound was found scrounging for food scraps in front of a restaurant and now she’s living that opulent life in mansions and shit. The SGVHS said this on their site:
Today her luck changed for the better when she was adopted by George and Amal Clooney. They were searching for a basset hound and saw Millie’s picture on Petfinder.
They did a ‘meet and greet’ with her and spent time introducing her to their other rescue, a cocker spaniel named Louie. It was good news that Millie and Louie hit it off and the happy, new family headed home together! We hope Millie will stay in touch and send photos. Congratulations to the Clooney family and thank you for adopting!
If I would’ve known that George and Amal were looking to adopt a new dog, I would’ve slipped on a dog mask (“You don’t need a mask, bitch!” – you) and put an ad on Petfinder. Because the life IS lapping up Casawhatever tequila from a bowl on the terrace of a Lake Como villa while Amal is busy doing international law stuff and George is busy making commercials for Japanese beer brands. I wouldn’t even care if they trotted me out for a good old-fashioned photo-op. Speaking of, this is what’s happening in that picture:
Millie: “Noooooooooo! No pictures! No pictures!”
Louie: “Get used to it, bitch.”
Pic: SGV Humane Society
By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.
“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”
Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.
According to People, Amal Clooney is currently risking her life in the Maldives where she’s meeting with her client, the country’s former president who’s in prison right now. While Amal was busy doing that, her over-baked trophy husband George Clooney was in NYC doing a much MUCH much more important job. George was Stephen Colbert’s very first guest on The Late Show last night and his only jobs were to talk about himself and christen the guest chair with a fart.
Besides being George Clooney, George Clooney didn’t really have anything to promote, so he showed a fake movie trailer he made in the hallway 10 minutes before coming out and Colbert brought up his current favorite project to talk about: his marriage. After Colbert gave Clooney a belated wedding gift (a Tiffany paperweight with the words “I Don’t Know You” on it), Clooney called himself Amal’s trophy piece and bragged that they proved the hating whores wrong! via People
Colbert prodded the leading man about his marriage to human rights lawyer Amal, with Clooney joking, “They said it wouldn’t last.” Colbert said he had no doubt the newlyweds would go the distance and asked Clooney what it was like to be “the arm candy in the relationship.”
“Because she’s a very serious person. She must say, ‘we’re going to meet some extremely intelligent people tonight,’ ” said Colbert. Clooney said of his new arm candy status: “”Shiny and pretty – that’s mostly what I do now.”
George and Amal will celebrate their 1st anniversary of cheesing it up for the cameras on September 27th, and it feels like it was only five seconds ago when we nearly tore our eye muscles from rolling our eyeballs over those two giving FACE FACE FACE to the paps. My eye muscles haven’t even completely healed yet and they’re already celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary. But really, George doesn’t give us hating whores enough credit. Us hating, bitter whores figure that George’s marriage will last until at least the middle of 2016, because what’s the point of getting married if he’s not going to use his wife for a minimum of 2 award seasons?
And if you didn’t watch Colbert’s first show, this is really the only moment you need to see:
I don’t know what this says about me, but I was secretly hoping that Stephen Colbert’s pants would split and he’d give us a Lenny.
Pics: Splash, CBS
George and Amal Clooney continued to show the world that they’re the GREATEST COUPLE WHO EVER EXISTED by getting into a good old-fashioned staged canoodling session in front of a photographer at a party for his tequila brand in Ibiza, Spain last night. I’m going to choose to believe that the dude in the black shirt on the right witnessed their love-in-motion earlier in the day and was so inspired that he immediately ran out and got that Amal Clooney tattoo on his arm. (He’ll add the George Clooney tattoo later.)
George and Amal were in Ibiza with Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber over the weekend to whore out their Casamigos tequila. Last night, they threw a launch party at the Ushuaia Ibiza Beach Hotel. You know, Vanity Fair recently put Amal Clooney on their best dressed list and I didn’t see it at all until my eyes landed on these pictures of her wearing a $2,400 dress that looks like it came directly from the closet of Nomi Malone. I love that dress, because it’s gold, sparkly, looks like it was bought from the clearance rack of a Joyce Leslie in New Jersey and would fit in anywhere from the ho stroll in Atlantic City to a Studio 54-theme night at a club in Reno. Those white panties under that slightly see-through dress was a nice, elegant touch too. More of this, Amal! I also love that George Clooney didn’t even try.
And somewhere, Sarah Larson is thinking to herself, “She looks like a cheap cocktail waitress at a bottom level Las Vegas casino. George totally misses me.”
The good news is that George Clooney is taking a quick break from telling the world that he loves Amal Clooney more than Kanye loves Kanye, more than White Oprah loves an open bar, more than John Travolta’s prostate loves a good rubdown, etc… etc… The bad news is that George Clooney has handed the baton over to a supposed friend named Kathy Lette (more like, “Kathy Lette’s Not”) who laid it on so thick that you will need to put on a snorkel mask before reading or else you’ll drown in the verbal cheese vomit she spews out.
Raise your hand if you too just got the mental image of George Clooney shouting “I’m knocking up the most beautiful, stylish, smart, kind, amazing woman aliiiive” as he busts a tequila trouser worm nut into his wife Amal Clooney.
According to UsWeekly, 54-year-old George Clooney and 37-year-old Amal have decided that it’s the right time to make a baby. A source claims they’ve recently visited a fertility center, and that Amal is freeing up her schedule by not taking on any extra cases at work. Meanwhile, George is getting ready by choreographing his hand placement on Amal’s stomach for their first “She’s pregnant!” pics for the paparazzi. Another source says they’re fixing up their $15 million house in the English countryside to include a room for Baby Clooney, who they hope will make an appearance in London sometime next year.
George said back in May that the idea of spawning hasn’t been high on his to-do list, but another source says that hanging around his friends and their kids have changed that. The same source says George thinks Amal “will be a great mother.” Oh, I’m sure she will! And I’m sure George will remind us at least 20,037 times in the nine months leading up to Baby Clooney’s birth.
Here’s George and Amal and their families out for dinner in Italy last night.