Now, I’ve been guilty of making terrible life-ruining mistakes like eating Taco Bell before a hook-up and agreeing to drive a friend to the airport on a Monday morning. But even the deflated mound of wet dumb in my head knows that it’s probably not a good idea to ignore a barrier at a zoo to get a selfie with a jaguar unless I really want my obit to read: This dum dum died from being stupid. Although, my obit is probably going to say that anyway. But one woman at a zoo could’ve gotten sent to Jesus via a jaguar’s claw when she ignored a barrier to get a selfie with the big pussy.
Attention all tattoo artists, laser tattoo removalists and bookies in the Greater New York area, this post is a PSA expressly for you! Nicki Minaj‘s new boyfriend of a few minutes, registered sex offender Kenneth Perry, may be seeking your services within the year to either cover up or remove the gigantic tattoo of Nicki’s name he just had emblazoned across his neck. I’ve got my $50 on laser removal within the next eight months. Place your bets!
Okay, So Nicki Minaj Didn’t Meet Her Registered Sex Offender Boo While Handing Out Free Turkeys For Thanksgiving
On Twitter, a rumor sprouted that Nicki Minaj met her latest man Kenneth Petty, who went to prison for attempted rape and shooting a man, while handing out free turkeys in Queens. But TMZ claims that while Nicki may currently be serving Kenny Petty some BPA-filled plastic turkey (read: her ass), she’s never given him a free turkey. They apparently first got together 20 years ago when Nicki was 16 and he was 20. That means Nicki started farting up hearts for him right after he got out of prison after serving a 4 year sentence for pulling a knife on a 16-year-old girl and trying to rape her. It’s nice to know that Nicki has always had impeccable taste in men.
Scrolling through Nicki Minaj’s contacts on her phone must be a lot like scrolling through the sex offender registry list (and good news for her is that if her contacts ever get deleted for some reason, she can look to the sex offender registry list to find her friend). Because Nicki worked with and supported a pedophile, she supported her brother who was found guilty of child rape, and now she’s getting on a convicted sex offender who also went to prison for killing a man. Who knew that Nick Minaj is the Mama June of hip-hop?