When I read that Abby Wambach is with a Christian mom blogger, the voice inside my head screaming the words, “Please let it be Anna Duggar,” was so loud that I think I have a few more cracks on my skull. But it’s not Anna Duggar.
Earlier in the summer we learned that Elizabeth Gilbert, writer of Eat, Pray, Love and person who looks like someone whose Secret Santa gift is always an Oprah & Deepak Mantras & Music CD, was getting divorced from her husband of 9 years José Nunes. José was the real “Felipe“, aka the guy Elizabeth fell in love with in the Love part of Eat, Pray, Love. At the time, Elizabeth claimed the reason for their split was “very personal.” As it turns out, the “very personal” she was talking about might have been that she was getting very personal with her best lady friend of 15 years Rayya Elias.
It’s pretty obvious that Kristen Stewart is bumping vagines with Alicia Cargile, but she hasn’t exactly posed for a “Yup, I Love Puss” cover of People Magazine. In an interview with Nylon to promote that American Ultra movie, the humanized drool stain made it perfectly clear that she’s not going to come running out of the closet while waving a rainbow flag, because she’s not in the closet and she’s not going to confirm she’s bi unless she’s ready to be an advocate or some shit.
KStew sort of quoted Courtenay Semel when she said to Google her, you dumb fuck, if you want to know if she’s into coochie.
“Google me, I’m not hiding. If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it. But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’ No, I do a job. Until I decide that I’m starting a foundation or that I have some perspective or opinion that other people should be receiving…I don’t. I’m just a kid making movies.
I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.”
Well, if you Google, “Is Kristen Stewart bi-sexual?“, the front page has a few headlines including “Kristen Stewart Is Bisexual” and “Kristen Stewart Is Not Bisexual.” If you Google, “Does Kristen Stewart like coochie?”, you get a bunch of posts from Dlisted, a shady site you should never trust. So I’m more confused than ever. Googling her didn’t clear anything up! But wait..
Nylon also asked the mouth breathing definition of ANGST if she still talks to Robert Pattinson and she said:
“That’s not something I would ever talk to the fucking public about—that’s crazy.”
Hmmm… KStew didn’t talk about RPattz, because if she did, a sparkle would pop up in her blank eyes and she’d melt into the chair while thinking about the baby they’re raising together in secret in a hidden cabin in the woods. #RobstenIsStillUnbroken. We’re on to you, KStew!
UPDATE: Kristen Stewart’s mom told UsWeekly that she talked to the Mirror about her movie and other stuff, but didn’t say anything about what her daughter’s chocha is up to nowadays. Jules Stewart claims that she only said that Alicia Cargile is a “lovely girl” when asked if they’ve met. Uh huh.
Kristen Stewart has apparently been bumping hipster hobo ‘ginas with her personal assistant Alicia Cargile for a while, but her mouth lips haven’t commented on the adventures of her other lips and probably because she figures those pictures of them holding hands is proof enough that they’re together. Besides, KStew doesn’t need to say it when her mother can do it for her. THANKS MOM!
The Sunday Mirror claims that they interviewed KStew’s mom, writer/director Jules Stewart. At first they talked about the wolves Jules raises on a ranch in Santa Monica. (So yeah, if you’ve ever said that KStew acts like she was raised by wolves, you were right!) But then they got to talking about who’s currently munching on KStew’s coochie box in a Mini Cooper. Jules confirmed that KStew is with Alicia now.
“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter, I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl. I feel like people need to be free to love whoever they want. I accept that my daughter loves women and men. It’s OK to be who you are in my world. We all choose our friends so we should be free to choose our lovers. People are good to do whatever they like as long as they’re not hurting people or breaking the law. I have gay friends, family members, I’m accepting of people, we are all free to choose who we want to love.”
Jules went on to say that all the “public stuff” ruined KStew’s relationship with Robert Pattinson and she’s really happy right now.
The whole interview falls directly under the file marked, “Suspect As Fuck.” I mean, would KStew’s mom really out her as bi to a British tabloid? Either KStew missed an allowance payment and Jules had to pay the bills by selling a story to the tabloids. Or this is a fake interview to keep us sheeple from figuring out the truth: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still together! (That second thought is sponsored by The Federation of Batshit Crazy Robsten Fans.)
I also threw two side-eyes at Jules saying that Kristen Stewart is “happy” right now. I refuse to believe that the human definition of Emo feels other emotions besides “ugh.” Nice try, though, “Jules.”
Here’s Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend giving you truck stop glamour in L.A. on June 6th.
I hope Bobby Flay isn’t getting too attached to his title of Messiest Public Divorce, because he might soon have to hand it over to WNBA players Glory Johnson and Brittney Griner. Take a look at that picture of Glory and Brittney on their wedding day back in May, because it’s going to come in very handy for when you say “Well, that escalated quickly” later.
Things started out OK. Brittney asked Glory to marry her back in August, and in January, they appeared on Say Yes To The Dress. Then it began to get all sorts of bad for Brittney and Glory a few weeks before their wedding. On April 22nd, Brittney and Glory got into a brawl at their home in Arizona that ended with both of them getting arrested for domestic violence. Brittney plead guilty to disorderly conduct and was ordered to complete a 26 week domestic violence counseling program (Glory’s case is still pending). Then two weeks later, Brittney and Glory were like “Fight? What fight?” and got married at the delicious-sounding Tapatio Cliffs Resort Phoenix on May 8th.
Then on June 4th, Glory announced that will be taking this season off because she’s knocked-up with a baby. Which is great, right? Not exactly. The day after Glory announced she’s got a tiny basketball in her net (I don’t know what that means), TMZ says Brittney filed for an annulment on their 28-day marriage. Brittney is claiming the marriage was based on “fraud and duress“, adding that Glory “pressured” her into marriage with “threatening statements.” Brittney also pulled a Sherri Shepherd by claiming she has no biological connection to the baby living in Glory’s womb.
Glory has responded to all this by posting (then deleting) an inspirational quote about “unperfect people” on Instragram. Maybe that’s part of the fraud Brittney was talking about? “Your honor, I was lead to believe I was marrying someone who didn’t use made-up words like unperfect.”
Taylor Swift And Karlie Kloss Are Not Making Out In This Crystal Clear, Hi-Res Picture, So Says Her Rep
I know, that could be White Oprah sucking coke out of Bruce Jenner’s nostril for all we know.
But Twitterer @kathyparkk (via ONTD) says that Taylor Swift and her supermodel BF4EVA and road trip partner Karlie Kloss were making out at the 1973 show in NYC last night. It’s been rumored that Tay Tay is dating Matt Healy of 1975 and that’s why she was there last night. So either this picture is nothing or Tay Ty is bumping wet parts with both or all those dudes she’s dated were bearding for her when we all thought she was bearding for them. If it’s the latter then M. Night Shyamalan is definitely involved, because this is a true plot twist.
Here’s a bigger version of Tay Tay and Karlie, who has a boyfriend, possibly doing each other with their mouths.
Hmmm, now that I look at that picture again. It could very well be the ghost of Sylvia Browne siphoning the life out of a young Dutch boy.
Taylor’s rep immediately shot down the Kaylor rumors by telling Gossip Cop that Taylor and Karlie are just really good friends, they’re not partners in pussy and the rumors that they made out last night are “hilarious.” Hilarious? Yeah, the thought of Tay Tay and Karlie kissing is really hilarious. But you know what isn’t hilarious? The fact that every time I see the word “hilarious” I think of Alec Baldwin’s fame whore pretzel of a wife.
And I can almost hear Taylor’s ultra conservative fans screaming, “See, this is what happens when you move to New York. The Big Apple turns you into a big ole’ LEZZIE!”
Here’s Taylor and Karlie at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in London the other day.