Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
The NAACP Image Awards happened in Pasadena, CA last night, and once again, grand master poser Taraji P. Henson melted the eyelashes off of hos left and right with her extra hot posing game. At the Golden Globes last month, Taraji took us on a journey with her poses. She was Scarlett O’Hara with the vapors. She was a shocked Norma Desmond. She was me whenever one of my friends get me a new butt plug for my birthday. She was everything and more. Taraji played it a little more subtle at the NAACPs last night, but she still posed like she was head of her class at Phoebe Price’s Community College of Exuding Raw Glamour.
Empire won a few NAACP Awards last night including one for Taraji for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series. Taraji should’ve won another award for Outstanding Posing While Holding A Trophy Backstage At The NAACP Awards. Taraji served up intrigue and orgasm faces while posing with that award. She also gets extra points for making sure that we all got a good view of that trophy’s crotch. And I even love that she looked like a cross between Morticia Addams going to a daytime business meeting and a casual Magica de Spell.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night of everyone looking like they’re wearing dresses they bought at Windsor Fashions in the 90s. Well, everyone except for Cree Summer who looked like Pilgrim Pippi Longstocking on the right kind of acid.
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.
When Gabourey Sidibe showed up to the Golden Globes last night wearing a dress that looks like the mice from Cinderella made it from one of the ugly stepsister’s unfinished vanilla milkshakes, internet haters everywhere instantly unhooked a velvet rope and let her cut to the front of the line for the VIP section of Club Worst Dressed. But Gabourey is Queenie from AHS: Coven, does not give a fuck about what you think, and took to Twitter to remind us:
Don’t take it personal, Gabby. You get to ride in a private jet and work at your dream job and get invited to the Golden Globes for – what is it – the third time? Meanwhile the haters are at home in our “good leggings” (the ones with holes in the crotch get a day off because company’s over) judging celebrities poor dress choices as we face the harsh reality that we just finished the last of the pineapple juice and will now have to mix our Malibu with Clamato, which makes us irrationally accuse the dog of eating the last of the Doritos while we took a bathroom break. So chill out.
Really though, Gabby should think about click-clack making some money by renting out that tweet to Jennifer Lawrence; she’s going to want it after Joan Rivers rips apart her just-sold-my-voice-for-human-legs dress on Fashion Police.
(Pic via Splash)
Fancy fashion type and Harper’s Bazaar’s Global Fashion Director Carine Roitfeld styled and picked out women for her “Singular Beauties” spread, which was supposed to pay homage to the diversity of women. But the only thing I see it paying homage to is fuckery. Case in point: Gabourey Sidibe’s picture.
I don’t know if Gabourey is saying, “STOP IN THE NAME OF FOOLERY,” or if she’s just saying “Stop!“, but they should’ve definitely listened to her, because this picture should’ve never made it out of the camera and should’ve died by the hand of the delete button. I don’t even know what’s going on in that picture. It’s like the weirdest game of charades ever. Karl Lagerfeld shot all of the pictures in Carine’s spread, so now it all makes sense. Carine and Kunty Karl probably told Gabourey to show up dressed like a volunteer theater usher. Then they put a red leather jacket (aka the only thing they had in her size) on her and when that didn’t work, Kunty Karl sighed and screamed at his minions just to throw a curtain over her and be done with it. Kunty Karl wanted to get Gabourey out of his sight, because just like food, the living and happiness, fat people are his rivals. Getting Kunty Karl to photograph a fat person is like getting Paula Deen to cater a Black Panther luncheon. It’s not going to end well and it didn’t.
And here’s a few more of Harper’s “Singular Beauties” spread (click here to see them all). It really is paying homage to fuckery, because ScarJo made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar Australia and they declared her the “modern Marilyn.” Yes, they said that and they said it during the anniversary of Marilyn’s death! Harper’s really needs to switch dealers, because the stuff they’re snorting is the wrong stuff.
When Jimmy Kimmel marries his co-head writer Molly McNearney at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa, every trick and tramp in Hollywood shows up. They all showed up. It looked like the drink line at the People’s Choice Awards. (I almost said the Golden Globes, but Johnny Knoxville was there and they’d never let his ass in.) Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon all showed their faces, and Gabourey Sidibe made everyone’s rings get tight and feet swell when she strolled in looking like an exploding Cool Whip factory.
I’m guessing that Jimmy is putting some of his wedding on his show and that’s why the Big Bombshell of Brooklyn showed up in a wedding dress. So on the next Jimmy Kimmel Live, expect to see Gabourey bum rushing down the aisle and body slamming Molly. We’re all going to laugh while watching workers scrape off pieces of Molly that’s stuck between those stones in the ground. But really, I’m surprised that Ben Affleck didn’t crash the wedding in a white dress so Jimmy Kimmel would have a reason to sing an acoustic version of “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” at the altar.
And I hope that on his show, Jimmy shows the part of his wedding where Molly threw the bouquet and Jennifer Aniston chinned every bitch to get to it.