Hot weirdo Evan Peters and Julia Roberts’ maybe-crazy niece Emma Roberts called it quits for the 1.7 millionth time back in May. If American Horror Story ever did a season based around Groundhog Day, this would be the B storyline. Because once again, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters are back together.
No, not Janice the Muppet after an eye lift and a horny possum (but I can see how you’d make that mistake). The owners of said tattoo/future mistake are Tori Spelling and The Deaner. That’s right, the couple that has continued to define the words healthy, stable, and…whatever the opposite of shameless is got themselves a permanent reminder of their dysfunctional love. How romantic and not at all something that will one day be removed in 4-6 laser treatments during a docuseries called End of Our sTORI: My Divorce from Dean.
Tori and The Deaner decided to get matching 10th anniversary tattoos in Paris. I really wish I was bringing you the news that Tori got a tramp stamp that says DEANER, and Dean got a chest piece that says JACKPOT, but they kept it a little classier than that. Both Tori and Dean got the phrase “Tout mon coeur Toute ma vie“, which translates to “All my heart All my life” (or “My whole heart My whole life“, depending on who you ask).
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott get matching tattoos in Paris – Daily Mail: Daily MailTori Spelling and Dean… https://t.co/QAtx0WkEn0
— Tori Spelling (@ToriSpellingHQ) May 17, 2016
You can see more of their tattoo date, including a pic of a shirtless Dean, over at The Daily Mail.
Dean’s new tattoo joins the rest of his Tori-inspired tattoos. Shortly after The Deaner got busted for sticking his peener in some Canadian strange, he got their wedding vows tattooed on his torso. He also has a portrait of her face on his arm and her name above his dick. Apparently Dean is her husband and her most psychotic fan. But I can’t help but wonder how Dean and Tori ended up going with that specific tattoo. I bet Dean chose it, and it went a little something like this:
“Don’t worry babe, let me handle it. I’m Canadian, so obviously I speak French. Yo, garcon. Qu’est ce que c’est crappening? Moi et le wife want to get le tattoos. Something le romantique, but also…how you say…could apply to something else in the event I end up putting mon jambon in some random croissant and she dumps moi ass, you feel me? Maybe something like ‘all my heart, all my life’, cuz I fucking j’adore Miller High Life. Alright, garde-le sleazy.”
Damn, I knew Kaley Cuoco moved fast, but this is clearly some kind of new relationship landspeed record. Kaley Cuoco has been un-married for a little more than seven months, and according to Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) she’s already thinking about getting married again.
About three months after Kaley called it quits with her tennis-playing husband Ryan Sweeting, she hitched her cooch up to British actor Paul Blackthorne. I don’t know what happened between Kaley and Paul, but it didn’t work out. A little while later she started dating a dude who rides horses named Karl Cook, who I’m guessing she met on a blind date that was set up by her pony. Thanks to Kaley’s commitment to Instagram, we know that she’s been seeing Karl for at least six weeks. Apparently six weeks is more than long enough for her to start thinking about getting fitted for an engagement ring.
Sources say Cuoco is hoping to become engaged to equestrian Karl Cook just as quickly [as she did with Ryan Sweeting]. During a recent visit to a newsstand in LA, a tipster says Kaley purchased a stack of bridal magazines with a friend.”They flipped through them all, cover to cover, and commented on which dresses looked the best. She went on and on about how much she loves Karl and confessed that she was hoping for a proposal – and soon.”
Okay, I’m calling bullshit on part of this story. No, not the part about Kaley Cuoco wanting to make it legal with a man she’s been dating for six seconds – I believe that. It’s the part about going to a newsstand and looking at bridal magazines that I’m side-eyeing. Who buys magazines anymore? Especially those expensive-ass bridal bibles. Besides, if Kaley was truly serious about marrying her new man, she’d be flipping through the latest issue of Inked.
“I dunno, looks about right to me” shrugged Rihanna.
We’ll get to that truly busted tattoo in a second. First we need to know what led us to this tragic place. And it all begins shortly after Iggy Azalea went on a Twitter rant about the name “Becky.” On Tuesday, Iggy Azalea slapped at everyone pointing fingers and trying to figure out who “Becky with the good hair” is by declaring that calling someone a “Becky” is hateful and racist against blowjob-giving white girls. It wasn’t very long before Twitter slapped back and reminded Iggy that she’s guilty of using the B-word herself. Eventually, Iggy’s fiance Nick Young jumped in and shared his thoughts on the matter.
Two weeks ago, Blake Lively decided to celebrate Ryan Reynolds’ first Father’s Day by posting a picture on Instagram of her husband carrying around their 6-month-old baby James. Rather than receiving a million comments saying “Aw sOoOoOo cute!!!“, a bunch of moms exploded into a mob of angry snakes and hissed at Ryan for not putting his baby in the carrier properly. Well, while hustling his new movie Self/Less on the TODAY show Tuesday morning, Ryan admitted he was wrong and promised to not let it happen again.
“The baby’s not properly secured in the vessel that I’m wearing there. I’m a first-time dad, and that is not the first mistake I’ve made. I can guarantee you it won’t be last. I’d never used that particular carrier before. Every other time has been perfect.”
I would love to know what some of the other mistakes Ryan has made are. I’m sure if you asked Blake Lively, most of them probably have to do with feeding Baby James strained peas straight from the jar instead of hand-mashing freshly-picked petits pois and serving it out of a rustic antique mason jar.
Shortly before he made good with one group, Ryan managed to accidentally piss off another. During the audience Q&A portion of a recent interview with AOL, Ryan Reynolds was asked what it’s like to have a wife who “literally slays it on the red carpet with whatever outfit she has on” and what he thinks about Beyonce. Ryan cemented his name at the top of the Beyhive’s shit list for the rest of his living days by answering with the following:
“My wife knows how to work a red carpet, I’ll say that. She might be the Beyonce of red carpets. And Beyonce, she’s the Michael Jordan of music to me. I’ve seen four of her shows, and that’s what comes to mind every time.”
I’m sorry, but doesn’t Ryan realize that her royal highness Beyonce is the queen of everything? Beyonce is the Beyonce of the red carpet. Beyonce is also the Beyonce of basketball (sorry, Michael Jordan). Beyonce is the Beyonce of Beyonce. I don’t even know what that means, but according to Beyonce, that’s a 100% true fact.
Here’s Ryan hustling Self/Less yesterday in what appears to be the lobby of a Holiday Inn.
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.