The Plot Thickens (Or Thins, Depending On How Much You Care): Elizabeth Olsen Was Never Asked To Do “Fuller House”
The makers of Making A Murderer are currently working on a second season for Netflix, but they need to hit the red ABORT button on those plans and instead shift their focus to investigating and thoroughly covering the journey to get Michelle Tanner in Fuller House. That American saga has more twists and turns than the Trollsens’ spinning heads when they do a Satanic spell on a bitch.
Good news for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen! They’ll get a chance to get revenge on those bold fucks at Fuller House for shading on them on the first episode. Netflix has ordered up Fuller House #2, so I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the Trollsens will tell the cast that yeah, they’ll do an episode this time. Then on shooting day, a gift box will show up with a card attached that reads, “To: The Cast, Love: The Trollsens.” After the cast opens up the box, they’ll scream bloody murder after they see Mr. Bear’s chopped off head in it. Mary-Kate and Ashley will giggle with evil glee as they look into their crystal ball and see those bitches cry and suffer.
Anyway, I’m about 5 episodes into Fuller House and so far, watching it is like eating giant spoonfuls of over-processed cheese covered with sugar and syrup. It’s cheesy, sickly sweet, offensive and at times it makes me gag and cringe (and I haven’t even gotten to the Bollywood episode yet…). It’s just like the original flavor! I want less of the kids and much more of the growns, but I still love how terrible it is. I guess many hos love it (or love to hate watch it) too, because Netflix wants more. Fuller House’s Twitter page announced that a second season is coming soon. They didn’t burp up any details other than that.
It’s always good to live in a time when Kimmy Gibbler is getting a regular check for being on TV, but…. The writers and producers of the first season of Fuller House should be fired for not including a very important cast member I mentioned in the first paragraph of this post. There’s no Mr. Bear!
How was it possible that they did Fuller House without Mr. Bear? Hopefully they right that wrong in season 2 when a fully grown Mr. Bear reunites with Stephanie and tells her about how he ran away to Hollywood and finally landed his big break as “angry mama bear” in The Revenant.
And here’s Stephanie Tanner making her way to Good Morning America where she announced that she’s going to be on Dancing with the Has-Beens next season.
Fuller House came out on Netflix at midnight last night and I had planned to stay up to watch at least one episode, but a strange thing that happens almost every night happened: I passed out in a Nutella and chardonnay coma at around 10. Yes, Nutella and chardonnay. If I had a Chelsea Handler book on my chest and a fluffy white dog named Coco Rose passed out next to me, I’d officially be a middle-aged divorcee. I haven’t watched Fuller House yet, but I can always count on Twitter to give me the information I really need, like how the show deals with the Olsens wanting nothing to do with it.
As everyone knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen aren’t in Fuller House, because they’re way too busy searching Africa for an endangered black rhino to hunt and turn into a bag that they’ll sell for $90,000 at Barney’s. John Stamos is out whoring the show and during a talk with Howard Stern today, he said that after a little mix-up, he eventually talked to Mary-Kate about doing it. Mary-Kate seemed into it, but said that she and Ashley were scared to act because they don’t consider themselves actresses anymore. Um, did Mary-Kate and Ashley forget their impeccable performances in the underrated masterpiece Holiday In The Sun? Acting is obviously in their veins! When Mary-Kate and Ashley officially said fuck no to Fuller House, John Stamos got a great idea. John told the producers that they should ask the Trollsens’ sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. John Stamos may or may not have been messed up on GHB when he came up with that idea. John told Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that Elizabeth Olsen’s agent wasn’t into it at all and basically said, “No way Jose!” via E!
“We actually went to—I don’t think this has been talked about…I didn’t do it, I think Jeff Franklin did—I said, ‘Call the sister [Elizabeth Olsen]. Ask her’…We talked to her agent and her agent was like, ‘Come on she’s not going to do that,’ but we did call her agent,” Stamos told Cohen on his SiriusXM talk show RadioAndy.
“That would’ve been kind of genius…I mean take kinda out of that sentence,” Cohen said.
“Yeah,” Stamos replied.
Mary-Kate and Ashley also have two brothers, so I wonder if those desperate producers begged either of them to throw a yellow mop on their head to play Michelle Tanner? If the producers were that hard-up to get Michelle Tanner to make an appearance, they should’ve just left a trail of squirrel nails (aka the Trollsens’ favorite snack) from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s spot on the bridge to the studio. As soon as Mary-Kate and Ashley showed up to the studio, they could’ve filmed them real quick before those two figured out what was going on and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
Netflix has released the first teaser trailer and premiere date for the Michelle Tanner-less Fuller House, and really, it should’ve just been a long shot of Kimmy Gibbler standing there with a teased ponytail on her head. It would’ve gotten at least 4 million views in minutes. But instead, Netflix decided to bring the cheese in bucketfuls by showing shots of the house and the new Comet barking at the door as everyone helps DJ Tanner move in while a Miranda Lambert song plays. Get into the cheese:
Yes, that is a Lake Superior-sized pot of fondue, but I’m still going to binge watch it like it’s my religion in February.
I seriously nearly overdosed on sappiness when Aunt Becky (or was it Kimmy Gibbler, please don’t tell me it was Kimmy) says, “Deej, you don’t need movers, you’ve got us.” What kind of psychopath says that? Only a crazy who wants to get into your house and rob you says that. Normal people aren’t happy about helping a ho move. And after all these years, they still have that small gingham couch? Don’t they know that if they rent that place out on AirBnB a few times they’ll have enough money to buy a new living room set at Raymour & Flanigan?
There’s no way Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going to lower themselves by play acting with mere mortals in the Full House reboot Fuller House, because they’re way too rich and they’re way too busy designing $16,000 endangered rhino caftans for their fashion label. But I still hoped it would happen, because I really feel like I need to see one or two of those bridge trolls of darkness fight the urge to shrivel up and slither out the exit door while acting in the cheesiest and most wholesome sitcom ever. When the reboot was announced, the Olsens said that they were thinking about doing an episode, but it was later announced that they want no part of it. And that was that until this morning…
Variety says that at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, CA today, the head ho of Netflix said that there’s a chance Michelle Tanner may make an appearance in Fuller House.
“The Olsen twins are teetering whether or not they’ll be around,” Netflix boss Ted Sarandos said Tuesday morning at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, Calif.
Tuesday morning, Sarandos also told the room of reporters that the first episode of the “Full House” sequel shot last week. He explained that the streaming service was hot on reviving the series, as the show “never really went away” and is a cross-generational property that has performed well in syndication over the years.
Teetering.. I know what they’re doing. Those tricky little tricksters are screwing with Neflix’s emotions, because they can. They probably call up Netflix and say that they’ll do a few episodes of Fuller House and are sending over the contract. When their carrier black crow drops the contract off at Netflix’s offices, Ted Sarandos unrolls it and sees the word “SIKE” written in blood on it. (Fun fact: “Sike” is 90s for “psych.”) Then the Olsens “bleehehehe” into the cold night air, because fucking with people brings them joy. They do that a couple of times a week.
But in WAY more important Fuller House news, Kimmy Gibbler posted this picture on Instagram last week:
I wish I could un-drink all 10 million cups of coffee I’ve guzzled down over the years (I’m low-balling with that number). Because I haven’t truly drank a cup of coffee until I’ve drank it out of a Gibbler’s Coffee cup.