Three shocking things happened last night:
1. I fell into a red wine and cheese and peanut butter crackers-induced coma on my bed and House Hunters International was NOT playing on my TV. This hasn’t happened in months and no wonder I had sex nightmares that involved Chris Brown. House Hunters International always lulls me into a peaceful sleep.
2. Brit Brit Spears opened up her mouth and actual words produced by her voice box came out.
3. Brit Brit Spears’ mic was actually turned on during her show in Las Vegas.
Everything you thought you knew about the world was flipped, flopped and fucked sideways last night when Brit Brit spoke and everybody heard it because her mic was actually live. Both Digital Spy and TMZ says that during her Piece Of Me show at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas last night, some messy trick in the audience called her a “fat bitch.” It was probably that Utz Girl. Trick is still pissed that Brit Brit chose Chester Cheetah as her main boo. You know that Utz Girl can hold a grudge and you know how she gets when she’s drunk. Brit heard the heckler, which is also surprising, because I didn’t think she paid attention during her shows. I just thought she moved her lips, waved her arms and thought about where she’s going to make Daddy Spears take her for ice cweam afterward.
Brit Brit launched a beautiful fuck word at the hater and her mic was on so everyone heard. The mic being on was probably a mistake. That’s some Robert Durst shit and it gave us this beautiful moment:
Kudos to the person who acted fast and brought Brit Brit’s hard drive out of sleep mode by moving her wireless mouse around. Now this is the Our Lady of Cheetos I love. More of this. But she didn’t really need to say anything since she already won. That fat bitch already got that heckler’s MONAY!
Here’s Brit Brit giving you Softer Side of Sears glamour at one of the Cheetolings’ soccer game a few days ago.
I know it’s going to be a good day when it starts with a beautiful fuck bomb falling into my ear holes, so I thank Megyn Kelly from Fox News for that. While dressed up like a modern day pilgrim school teacher on her show The Kelly File last night, Megyn Kelly made Freud pop a boner when she introduced Arkansas’ old governor Mike Huckabee as the host of “Fuckabee.” I love it. Naomi Watts loves it. We all love it. Let the fuck bomb fly, Megyn!
The way Mike Fuckabee perks up makes me think that he was hoping the words, “...me, you beautiful man you,” followed the word “fuck” out of Megyn’s mouth. I don’t even know why he reacted at all. If my name was Mike Huckabee, I’d be surprised if everyone didn’t call me Fuckabee. (Side note: Fuck a bee sounds like the quickest way to a swollen peen. Fuck A Bee also sounds like the name of a bee hate blog ran by Nicolas Cage.) Megyn later apologized for the fuck bomb and said she has the heart of a 12-year-old boy, which means that after the show, she smoked pot with the older kids in the church parking lot, played video games for 4 hours and got yelled at by her mom for pissing all over the toilet seat. Or it means that she prefers to use 12-year-old boy hearts for her sacrifices instead of goats.
“Something else that happened on the program is also getting a lot of attention on Twitter and including this tweet from some nice man named Sean who said ‘Megyn you’re a delight to watch and gave a stoic performance after your slip up with Governor Huckabee’s name.’ I thought I was stoic too – I have a heart of a 12 year old boy.”
Megyn didn’t have to explain or apologize. It happens. Sometimes the nickname you always call someone behind their back slips out in front of them. That is why I don’t even flinch when my friends call me “dumb trick bitch” to my face.
That pit bull puppy’s face says it all: “I don’t wanna know, I just wanna cuddle and search for Poetic Justice gifs and listen to Keep Ya Head Up on repeat.” That puppy is me. That puppy is you. That puppy is all of us. But for those of you thinking “fuck that puppy, just tell me what his last words were”, well here you go.
The Daily Mail (via Vegas Seven) says that a Las Vegas bike cop from the night rapper Tupac Shakur was shot has come forward nearly 20 years later (pardon me, it appears I need to pour some Ensure into my Baileys, because I AM OLD) to talk about being the last person Tupac spoke to before he flew up to Thugz Mansion. Chris Carroll claims that on the night of September 7th, 1996, he pulled Tupac from the passenger seat of the car he was shot in and repeatedly asked him who shot him. Carroll says Tupac didn’t answer because he was yelling at Suge Knight. Finally, Carroll asked one more time, Tupac took a deep breath, and uttered his last words:
He then closed his eyes and rode up to heaven on the back of a sleepy blonde pit bull puppy. Damn, I love the word fuck, but even I don’t think I want “fuck you” to be my deathbed words. Although, I’d probably cough out the same thing if I had some stranger in a bike helmet all up in my personal space, asking the same damn question over and over again. Unless that bike cop looked like Officer Jenko from 21 Jump Street, my response would probably be “fuck you” (coincidentally, my answer to Jenko would be the same, but would begin with the words “I’d like to”).
While covered in more fur than Rabbit Island and showing Arthur the Aardvark how Coke bottle glasses are really worn, the legendary Elaine Stritch is officially out of fucks to give, because she spit out her last one on the fourth hour of Today this morning.
89-year-old Elaine was on Today to talk about her documentary Shoot Me and as she rested her Keds-covered hooves on a Kathie Lee Gifford footstool (found in the clearance section of your local Raymour & Flanigan), the Kathie Lee Gifford footstool spoke and asked her about her bluntness. Kathie Lee Gifford asked for it! When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. When you breathe in Kathie Lee’s breath, you’re going to get drunk. When you ask Elaine Stritch about her bluntness, you’re going to get the fuck word in your ears. Here’s the drop of YES that came out of Elaine’s mouth:
“Thank god it’s hasn’t been … not passed on television. If you just say things naturally, it’s fine. They’re just thinking ‘fuck.’”
Kathie Lee Gifford screamed, “Oh dear! Oh dear,” and I’m going to assume that at the same time that Elaine dropped that f-bomb, her breakfast wine buzz started to wear off and she got nervous. Because there’s no way Kathie Lee Gifford could’ve been freaking out over the fuck word. It’s the fourth hour of Today! I mean, I, for one, believe that children should learn the fuck word very early on, because it’s really one of the only words in the English language that matters, but children are not watching the fourth hour of Today. The only people watching the fourth hour of Today are people who have given up on life a long time ago and constantly say, “fuck it,” out loud to themselves, so an f-bomb is the opposite of shocking to them. And by “them” I mean “us,” because I watch that mess. It comforts me knowing that someone is more of an incoherent mess in the morning than me.
And where’s the petition to get Elaine Stritch and fellow f-bomber Sue Simmons to be the new fourth hour co-hosts of Today?
On Good Morning America today, Tom Hanks gave modern civilization an apology gift for his involvement in the creation of Chet Haze (which still sounds like a semi-comatose condition you get from your over shitting yourself) by waking everybody up with the glorious fuck word. Elizabeth Vargas asked Tom Hanks to talk like one of the characters he plays in Cloud Atlas and out came the fucking word that makes the world go fucking ’round. Elizabeth grabbed her mouth, Tom Hanks covered up his f-bomb launching hole and the innocent 5-year-olds who were watching Good Morning America at 8am laughed out the words, “Oh Forrest Gump, you stupidfuckingpieceofshitcuntbitchwhoreslutdumbass,” right before they went on Facebook to cyber bully a classmate from pre-school.
Even though with that stache Tom Hanks looks like an actor from Colonial Williamsburg who gets drunk and flashes unsuspecting women in the park, he’s still a national treasure and he proved it again today by screwing everybody in the ears with the fuck word.
Never mess with a rock star who still looks like a Joan Jett rag doll made of t-shirts from Hot Topic, because he will burn the place down with the fuck bombs launching out of his mouth.
During Green Day’s set at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas last night, the timer in front of the band let them know that they only had 1 minute left, because Usher went 25 minutes over. Billie Joe Armstrong was not having any of it. Bille Joe stopped everything to give the performance of Green Day’s career. Billie Joe busted into a hilarious freak out where he yelled at the organizers for disrespecting a dude who has been in the game for over 20 years. I kept waiting for someone to hand BJ a dirty martini and for him to lean against a grand piano and slur out shit like, “Your know what your problem is! You have some nerve! It’s the pictures that got small! Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my -godfuckingdamnit, that guitar is looking at me funny. I’ll show you, guitar!“
Billie Joe got so mad that I’m sure the hairs on his b-hole stood up like some of the hairs on his head. Bitch went off and I love every millisecond of this dramatic cunt meltdown from the first “fuck” that comes out of his mouth to the last one. I even loved that it almost took him 10 minutes to destroy his guitar. PUNK! ROCK! If that guitar had eyes, it would be rolling them. It was taking so long for BJ to put a dent in that guitar, so it finally took pity on him and broke itself.
And Billie Joe’s eyeliner stayed immaculate during this entire bitch fest. A true DIVA!
Here’s some hos who got to witness Billie Joe’s “We’re fucking done professionally!” rant live last night. In order: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, the second hardest bitches there, the hardest bitch there, Usher, No Doubt, Kathy Griffin, Ryan Lochte (looking like a 2nd grader circa 1983 wearing a homemade Thriller costume) and Colton Haynes.