It’s been four months since Naya Rivera filed for divorce from her husband of two years, Ryan Somethingoranother, and that’s a long time for a permanent resident of ThirstVille like herself to get a new dude to hit the pap stroll with. But Naya got herself a new dude and they’re making everyone’s head fill with a billion question marks.
I don’t know the complete history of the phrase of “Not today, Satan.” I don’t think it first sprouted out of the brain of Bianca Del Rio, but I do know that she made it one of her signature catchphrases, spit it out during season 6 of RuPaul’s Drag Race (which she won), named her tour after it and sells “Not Today Satan” merchandise on her website. Well, yesterday Candace Cameron Bure posted a picture on Instagram of herself wearing a “Not Today Satan” t-shirt and Bianca wasn’t having it today, tomorrow or next week. I guess the era of feuds filed under “Random As Hell” isn’t over.
Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer called it quits on their 9-year marriage almost two months ago and one would naturally assume that his triumphant return to the Pussy Posse would last the better part of a year. (I believe the re-initiation process requires at least 6,969 hours of supervised model-banging.) However, it looks like Tobey could possibly be more interested in dating right now.
A source tells Radar that Tobey might be dating Demi Moore. In a very weird turn of events for a Pussy Posse member, Demi Moore is 13 years older than Tobey.
Demi and Tobey were rumored to be dating way back in 2002 before she got with Ashton Kutcher and he got married. The source tells Radar that Demi reached out to Tobey after the news of his split from Jennifer, and that “it didn’t take long for things to heat up.” The source claims Demi and Tobey’s conversation was innocent enough at first, but then she started reminiscing about “the good times” and it snowballed from there.
“Demi is still a sexy, attractive woman, and Tobey is just her type — younger, smart and kind of goofy. She’d like more than a hookup. She’s very lonely these days and looking for someone to share her life with. Who knows where this will go?”
Neither Demi nor Tobey have confirmed they’re doing anything with each other, so this could literally just be some fanfic created by a bored intern at Radar. I like to believe it’s real. Sure, the Pussy Posse handbook states that all boners should be aimed at 20-year-old bikini models, but Demi counts. Some parts of her are in their 20s and she may not technically be a bikini model, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a pro at taking bikini selfies.
Whenever I read a headline about Prince Hot Ginge dating a new trick, I usually run over to the not-at-all Photoshopped picture of him and I on my bedside table and yell at his face for doing me wrong. But when I read about his newest-maybe piece at the always-truthful Sunday Express, I didn’t do any of that. I’m into this maybe-union. PHG usually only gets with stringy-haired blond Brit chicks, but this one is American (GASP!), a divorcee (DOUBLE GASP!), is bi-racial (TRIPLE GASP!) and a commoner actress who is on a basic cable show, not even HBO (QUADRUPLE GASP!). PHG is reportedly rubbing his fiery nipple knobs on actress Meghan Markle from the show Suits. THE QUEEN just fainted on a Corgi as Prince Philip thought, “Hmm, I wonder who she sponges off of?”
Lindsay Lohan is already on her way to single-handedly saving the economy in Greece by running a nightclub (that is not at all a front for an underground hooker and coke ring). LiLo is also working on building up the energy of Syrian refugees by giving them Red Bull-like energy drinks (and she’s totally not doing it so she can get them hooked on that stuff and then charge them later). And between all of that, LiLo has somehow found time to become the Mother Teresa of Turkey and also thee premiere voice of islamophobia awareness in America. Oh, 2016, here you go again…
Some People On Twitter Think That Pamela Anderson Is A Secret Assassin Who Poisoned Julian Assange With Vegan Food
Earlier I wrote about how Azealia Banks was kicked out of Russell Crowe’s hotel suite after allegedly acting a mess. And now I’m writing about how a few people on Twitter believe that Pamela Anderson murdered Julian Assange with a poisoned vegan sandwich. I fully expect my next post to be a truthful story about how Bat Boy recently butt birthed out the bat/alien baby he made with Benedict Cumberbatch, because today’s theme is: stories that read like they were ripped out of The Weekly World News.