For weeks and weeks, the people of a neighborhood in Colorado Springs, CO have been wondering why a lady, who has been dubbed The Mad Pooper, has been terrorizing their lawns and parking lots with caca bombs she drops during her runs. What could it be? Does the chick have an evil roommate who gets revenge on her for not cleaning the toilet by spiking her breakfast protein shakes with Ex-Lax? Does a Bieber song regularly poop up on The Mad Pooper’s jogging playlist and the sound of his voice causes her to stop and take a shit wherever she’s at (that’s a natural reaction)? The people just wanted answers. Well, it looks like The Mad Pooper has finally let out something other than a lawn turd. She let out an explanation of sorts through a dude who claims to be a “family rep.”
In her never-ending campaign to prove to us that she’s real people and isn’t just another movie star who doesn’t shit since all of the waste and fat in her body is sucked out daily with an at-home lipo machine, Jennifer Lawrence told David Letterman last night that she had to go to the hospital after her butt wouldn’t stop barfing. Jennifer’s insides were filled with more hot air than Kanye’s head, so she took her ass to the hospital, thinking they were going to say she had an ulcer. She told Dave that it turns out she just had a serious case of the farts.
“I thought I had an ulcer and it turns out it was a fulcer. I went to the emergency room. I just had this really bad pain for three weeks and you can only shit your pants so many times a day before you have to go to the emergency room. Before you’re like, ‘I need to go to the hospital.’ “
Al Roker just filed for divorce from his wife and made (brown) eyes at Jennifer Lawrence. His shat soulmate has been found.
I love how David Letterman looks like he doesn’t want to hear it and would get up and quit this mess if it wasn’t his job to listen to Jennifer Lawrence talk about how she turned her chonies into District 14 (the poop district). Not everybody is refined enough to love a caca story. Which reminds me, one time I was on this first date and I don’t know why in the hell I brought it up, but I told him about the time I went caca in my shorty shorts during class in the first grade. (And I wonder why I never get a second date.) As soon as I said it, I thought he was going to throw his napkin down and leave. But instead, he goes, “Shit happens. I shit myself all the time.” He said it seriously with a serious face. I don’t think he was joking. I pretty much knew right then and there that our love would never be, because two LLBs (loosey loose bottoms) could never make it work.
Here’s Skatniss Everdeen with the rest of the cast of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire at a screening in NYC last night.
We knew this day would finally come and it’s finally here. Just in time for the end of the world. I’ve covered every inch of Lindsay Lohan and now I’m finally covering her bowel movements. Yes, I’m about to write about how LiLo is so full of shit that she’s clogging up every toilet she squats over. In the game of gossip limbo, I’ve finally gotten so low that my droopy ass lips are dragging against the sand. Congratulations to us all.
This BREAKING TOILETS NEWS story was first reported by Wetpaint a day ago and then TMZ picked it up this morning. Most us know that LiLo creates some major shit bombs (see: Liz & Dick) and some source told Wetpaint that the plumbers on the set of Scary Movie 5 learned that the hard way. They say that LiLo not only trashed her trailer, but she suffocated the toilet with her freckled poops. Because the toilets in the other trailers were connected by the system, they clogged too. So Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen and the rest of the cast had to shit in coffee cans. But TMZ has cleared this up (I’m not proud of that pun).
Their source (aka LiLo) says that LiLo was framed! LiLo is telling friends that she believes the producers sabotaged her trailer before she got there, because they were upset that she missed her first day of work due to “walking pneumonia.” When LiLo did show up for work, the shower and toilet in her trailer were both broken, so she had to use the toilet in other trailers. After LiLo’s shoot was finished, the producers accused her of screwing up the plumbing system and wanted her to pay up. LiLo’s people went back and forth before she finally exhaled and shat up the money. LiLo agreed to let the producers take thousands of dollars from her paycheck to pay for repairs.
Lindsay Lohan can’t even take a simple dump without it turning into a huge dramatic mess involving lawyers. But whatever, I blame the toilet. It’s the toilet’s fault for being such a perfect place to get rid of coke when the producers and insurance men try to find your hidden stash by bringing drug-sniffing dogs into your trailer. Blame the toilet.