It’s a bit redundant to say so, because aren’t all award shows just an excuse for fashion houses to clean out their local Fabric Barn and send a famous person down the carpet in more material than a 1980s canopy bed set? But the Emmys did see a lot of by-the-yardage last night, like on Jessica Biel, who said yes to a white Ralph & Russo dress. If you think Jessica and Justin Timberlake look like they stopped by the Emmys on their way to appearing on the top of a wedding cake, you’re not the only one.
When Anna Chlumsky came strolling up the red carpet of the Emmys last night in an ensemble Michael accurately described as looking very bed in a bag, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone in a set of deluxe full/queen sheets sashayed behind her. And that person was Kristen Bell. To be honest, I don’t know who hit the red carpet first, Kristen or Anna. It’s a real “Which came first, the sheets or the duvet” situation.
Regardless, Kristen is doing just as much for me as Anna’s look was. Maybe more, actually, because I’ve always loved a printed bed sheet. I don’t know if everyone did this, but when I was a kid, I used to make my bed with my sheets pattern-side-down. That way, when I made my bed and pulled back my comforter, you got a subtle hint of my elegant bed linens (ie. my Little Mermaid sheets). I felt so classy, like “I bet this is how Margo from Punky Brewster does her bed.” But while I love Kristen’s expensive floral sheet dress, I don’t know if many of us would want to sleep on it. I think I see beading, and I’m pretty sure none of us would want to roll over in the middle of the night and land cheek-first on a cluster of sharp glass beads.
Of course, the cherry on top of a formal bedding situation has got to be the useless satin runner that lives at the foot of the bed. Luckily, Sarah Hyland has got us covered.
Thanks to the fact that the temperature in L.A. was about as hot as a newly-released fart lingering in the Heat Miser’s chonies, everybody who went to the Emmys yesterday probably made squishy sounds when they walked because of the pools of sweat jelly that formed on their crotch areas. Well, those pools of sweat jelly were definitely washed away by a wave of crotch cream when Adrien Brody sashayed onto the carpet looking like sex double-wrapped in smarmy and dipped in Brut.
Adrien and his signature douche pucker were at the Emmys, because he was nominated for Houdini and also because kissing history-making actresses at award shows is his thing. As I said earlier, Olivia Culpo nearly fainted on the red carpet, and she claims the heat did her in. But I bet she really got the faints when Adrien Brody flipped his glorious mane as he walked on by. Adrian looked like the kind of high-priced gigolo who takes his old lady clients to the opera, fingers them in the box (that line has two meanings) and makes them smell his fingers afterward. Swooooooon.
Here’s a million pictures of some of the dudes (including Damian Lewis, Joe ManJello and David Oyelowo) at the Emmys, but who cares about any of them. The only thing your eyes need is Adrien Brody giving you “stache-free Yanni in a fun house mirror” hotness.
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
According to Us Weekly, reformed life mess Natasha Lyonne and Elisabeth Moss’ ex-piece Fred Armisen have started finger-banging in the communal shower (for the OITNB fans) and/or putting a bird on it (for all 10 of the Portlandia fans). For fans of neither, what I’m trying to say is that these two are together, hump-wise.
An eyewitness says they saw Nicky and Fericito being “very flirty and talking very closely” aka they were (don’t say it Allison) canoodling (damn you) at the Variety/Women in Film Emmy nominee celebration on Saturday. Then on Monday, the two attended the Emmys together and a bunch of after-parties, and another source claims they were linking arms and chuckling. Linking arms and giggling? Oh my god, GET A ROOM.
When Fred Armisen first hooked up with Peggy Olson 1,408 years ago, it was like random had a baby with questionable, but Fred and Natasha make a lot more sense to me. Sure, there’s still an age difference (47 for him, 35 for her) but it’s redundant, because Natasha has the voice of a 58-year-old longshoreman. And sure, Natasha has always given me some gayelle vibes. But they’re both secret weirdos. You know the kind, where they seem like they’re normal on the outside, and then you go to their house and discover they’re into DIY taxidermy or collecting pictures of strangers or they don’t have a toilet? What do you mean that’s never happened to you? You’re clearly not finding the right people on Tinder.