Obviously nothing can ever top the legendary sequinned charisma of Lil’ Kim’s purple nipple cover at the 1999 MTV VMA’s, but that’s not nearly a good enough excuse for people not to try. An iconic look is like rolling dice; you might wear something that ends up in one of those Best Looks of ALL TIME galleries for the rest of the internet’s existence, or you might be just wearing clothing. Cardi B could have shocked eyes by showing up in big hair, a dramatic cape, and no pants, but – yawn – been there, done that. Instead, Cardi B made her first red carpet appearance since giving birth last month in a purple gown by Nicolas Jebran and a pussycat wig. Cardi is giving me eccentric Beverly Hills housewife at a charity gala trying to steal the spotlight from her rival Bitsy Saint Claire. Wait a second – rich, attention-getting, short dark hair, daughter’s name spelled with an unnecessary K? Kris Jenner must be so flattered right now.
I know it’s redundant of me to even ask, because we all know that Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld has, is, and forever will always work the bra-under-a-blazer look the best. But Amber Rose is coming in a very close second. We all know that Amber Rose has a habit of bringing ten tons of jaw-dropping eleganza to the MTV VMAs. Sometimes she goes straight-up stripper, other times she keeps it a little more demure. This year she went tasteful and sophisticated with just a hint of “Oh, these?”
Since Whitney Houston’s estate popped the doody bubble that was the hologram that looked nothing like her, The Voice needed to replace that creepy duet with something, so they called in the country’s most wanted donut terrorist Ariana Grande!
Before Curly Sue (birth certificate name: Alisan Ann Porter) became America’s sweetheart once again by winning The Voice for Team Christina, her coach got into a screaming match with Ariana Grande. While dressed like a Televangelist Bratz doll, Ariana sang her new single “Into You” before going into “Dangerous Woman.” Everything was going fine until Xtina prowled out with hair that was supposed to say, “I was freshly fucked,” but instead said, “I was freshly jumped by a pack of raccoons who like to pull hair.” That hair is very “Beth Chapman after getting attacked by a swarm of bees.” That hair was a preview for the messiness that was about to go down.
After Xtina did her part, Ariana turned up the volume on her vocal cords and it became clear that it was about to become a battle of the yodels and the only casualties would be our eardrums. Ariana and Xtina trying to TKO each other with their belts starts off at around the 3:33 mark below:
Ariana Grande and Christina Aguilera teamed up on The Voice for Into You/Dangerous Woman! Incredible! ???? https://t.co/E1hx0F2FK3
— Shady Music Facts (@musicnews_shade) May 25, 2016
All those growls, runs and whooooos. It sounds like a brawl between a frog, a cat and an owl while sky diving. They sound how Xtina’s hair looks. That said, it was the performance of the night and I’d rather Xtina and donut hater fist me in the ears without lube by trying to outdo each other than listen to Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s duet again.
Because we’re on the subject of Grande messes, here’s hyper troll doll Frankie Grande in a denim onesie at a Disney event earlier this month:
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
Miley Cyrus recently said that she doesn’t want to be in a “squad,” because she likes to surround herself with non-famous rill people who are rilly rilly rill and keep it 100% rill at all times. Well, if America’s foremost journal of truthiness known as Radar is spitting up the facts, then the feeling is mutual and cult leader Taylor Swift doesn’t want Miley in her sisterhood.
Take In The Beautiful Moment When Frankie Grande Realized He Didn’t Win America’s Favorite Houseguest On Big Brother
Strangely enough, the face Frankie Grande makes when he’s hit with the ice cold fact that he’s not America’s Sweetheart looks a lot like the face Alice The Goon makes when she has an O.
Big Brother’s 16th season (Side note: I’ve watched every episode of every season and spent time watching the live feeds, which means I’ve wasted hundreds of hours listening to strangers talk about food and their bowel movements. What have you done with YOUR life?) ended last night with undercover cop Derrick winning the $500,000 over future Sean Cody star Cody and undercover genius/serial eardrum murderer Victoria (who was ROBBED). Just as I expect to end my night tonight crying into a pile of empty apple pie wrappers, I expected Derrick to win and his ass deserved it. But a beautiful, heart-warming twist happened at the end of the show when The Chenbot announced who America voted as their top 3 favorite houseguests.
Frankie Grande is a social media mogul with millions of fans and his sister Ariana Grande Latte (“Oh my GAWD, I didn’t know she was his sister. He never said so!” – everyone) is the biggest pop star in every universe, so I prepared myself for the image of him twirling like a toy poodle on meth, because I figured he’d make the top 3. Ariana tweeted about voting for him a few times. So a pleasant surprise bear hugged my soul when Julie Chen announced Donny, Zach and Nicole as the top 3. The face Frankie Grande made after finding out he wasn’t America’s favorite was priceless. It’s like in the movies when the bitchiest bitch in school loses homecoming queen.
As the dandy troll cried on the inside, Julie Chen named former HSOTD and this generation’s Forrest Gump, Donny, as America’s favorite houseguest. We truly all won and we won again when the credits rolled and the camera caught this:
Is he crying because he expected his millions of fans to welcome him back to the world by breaking down the walls of the studio to hug him? Did he make a poopy in his Little Lord Fauntleroy shorty shorts? Who knows, but I do know that picture is visual Prozac.