Last week, two diners at a seafood buffet in Alabama decided to take on-the-spot fencing lessons when they dueled over crab legs with tongs, much to the shock and awe of onlookers thinking, “This ain’t even real crab“. However, did you know that their fight was merely a sad imitation of the original, which took place in Queens, New York? And unlike the brawl which occurred during the only season of Seafood Smackdown, there’s a video that will make you weep for humanity while your new best friend Donna Brown provides the hilarious commentary.
That pun was very much intended.
Miranda Lambert is a mess, we know this, and she’s probably the type who won’t think twice about wasting beer by throwing hers at you during a fight at an Applebee’s. That’s kind of what happened on Sunday night, but instead of throwing a beer, she threw a salad (RIP that salad) at a steakhouse. And for Miranda’s sake I hope it was something messy like a Cobb salad with extra steak and dressing.
This is why we’re losing to China. As a Bostonian, I don’t necessarily get how New Yorkers have heart palpitations if their bagels aren’t from the corner deli, or if their pizza isn’t from some hole-in-the-wall place that likely has failed every health inspection for the last fifty years. I have class, which is why Chili’s is my idea of fine dining. Cough. Anyway, when Apple released a sneak peak of its latest batch of emojis, there was a bagel, which is great because it gives sickos like me another option when trying to signal butt stuff. It looked like a regular, plain bagel you get in the bread aisle at the grocery store, which didn’t phase most of us, but New Yorkers lost it. Apple has since done a do-si-backstep and changed the lewk.
The official Twitter account for the country of Sweden dropped a bomb on the world. Only, because it’s Sweden, their bombs are made out of truth instead of uranium and baking soda (yes, I flunked chemistry). According to Sweden, Sweden’s sixth most famous contribution to the world (after ABBA, IKEA, The Swedish Chef, The Skarsgårds, and It Must Have Been Love), The Swedish Meatball, isn’t actually Swedish.
Some revolutions start with one small, quiet act: A whispered conversation in a dark alley, a covertly passed note exchanged between strangers, a silent but deadly fart emitted on a crowded city bus. And some revolutions start with an explosion of hot cheese. Well, one revolution started that way.