This should be good news for anyone who has wanted to get rid of a bunch of cash in a dumb way but can’t find a pack of matches or a paper shredder. You will soon have the chance to pay to watch Chris Brown and Soulja Boy work out their anger by wailing on each other.
So much for that emotional apology. 24 hours ago, Soulja Boy claimed that he was going to be the one to end the stupid drama he started earlier this week after he liked a photo posted by Chris Brown’s ex Karrueche Tran on Instagram. Soulja Boy said he wanted to stop acting like a dumbass because his mama, who is in the hospital, wasn’t proud of his recent behavior. Soulja Boy’s mama might want to take an extended lap in the therapy pool this afternoon, because her son is acting like an idiot again. Soulja Boy still wants to fight Chris Brown.
I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.
Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:
“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”
I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.
Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.
Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).
And now we know what it looks like when Rihanna mimes a bored wave with a pile of cash in her hand.
RiRi showed up to the BET Awards last night, because a party truly isn’t a party until Princess Pass-The-Blunt arrives. And also because she’s got a new video to hustle. “Bitch Better Have My Money“, a song which I assume is about Rihanna shaking down Rita Ora for a portion of her unlicensed impersonator profits, has been assaulting our ears with yuh-yeahs and blap-blap-blaps since March. Three months later, it looks like we’re finally getting a video. RiRi showed a trailer for “Bitch Better Have My Money” (the whole video gets released on Thursday) last night during the BET Awards, and she did it in the most RiRi way possible: by whipping a stack of cash at BET President of Programming Stephen Hill’s face before she stepped on stage.
According to Page Six, Michael Jackson might want to take a break from teaching Jesus how to moonwalk in Heaven, because his son Prince is up to some hoodrat shit and needs a good ghost slap upside the head (don’t worry, ghost slaps don’t hurt). A source says that 17-year-old Prince Jackson has been seriously fucking up his ability to choose non-asshole friends by hanging out with trash brat Justin Bieber and his reading-challenged boxer mentor Floyd Mayweather Jr.. I believe that’s what is called a shitty influence sandwich.
Prince Jackson and Canada’s shame apparently live in the same Calabasas neighborhood, so they started hanging out with each other and are possibly “making music” together. I’ll go ahead and assume that’s a euphemism for something else, since we all know Justin Bieber doesn’t make music, he ruins it. The two are also hanging around Floyd Mayweather Jr., who is acting like a low-budget Oprah to the two by giving them life advice about lots of things, including women. Yes, Justin Bieber and Prince Jackson are getting lady advice from convicted lady beater Floyd Mayweather Jr. (I guess Mike Tyson and the ghost of Ike Turner were busy).
Prince Jackson currently gets $66,000 a month from his father’s estate, and something tells me that might be one of the reasons Justin Bieber has made him his new best friend. That shady toddler knows he’s one more private jet purchase away from doing Bad Boy commercials in Canada, so he decided to start surrounding himself with people who can afford to pick up the tab at Chuck E. Cheese every once in a while.
Ugh, this is all such a huge bummer. Hangin’ with Justin Bieber is a bad move on Prince Jackson’s part. Blanket, come get your brother before Justin Bieber starts rubbing off on him and he begins acting like an obnoxious jerk while recklessly spending his money on extravagant crap. “You say that like it’s a bad thing” says Unky Jermaine.
In what is probably the “and that’s a wrap, bitch” moment of the 50 Cent/Floyd Mayweather Jr. literacy challenge feud bullshit, Mayweather Tweeted pics of two checks made out to him totaling over 72 million. The Tweet also urged the unnamed recipient (Half-A-Buck) to “Read this.” He may be illiterate but the bitch knows how to work his calculator and his smartphone.
For those of you not in the know, assface Fiddy challenged the apparently already-challenged by words Floyd to read a page of Harry Potter aloud on Jimmy Kimmel. He then downgraded the material to Dr. Seuss (probably after hearing this sadness). This looks to be the response.
Read this $72,276,000.00. God bless. pic.twitter.com/dpwE3X7eLR
— Floyd Mayweather (@FloydMayweather) August 23, 2014
It’s definitely a cringe-moment when someone calls you out on this fundamental shortcoming. But if your job is basically to beat the fuck out of people (“people” being “the other boxer in the ring” and not “women”, dicknose) and get paid ridiculous sums of money to do it – you really don’t need literacy, do you? You can employ readers! But what if your word-servants aren’t handy? Eh, society is pretty much laid out for idiots. If a sign is red you should probably stop or run away, GPS or Siri can pretty much do everything for you, and someone at the Christmas party SHOULD stop you if they see you eating poinsettia leaves. You don’t put up a sign saying DON’T EAT THE POINSETTIA LEAVES at your Christmas parties? I hope you get sued.