Category: Florida
Open Post: Hosted By The Penis Snakes Taking Over Florida
Florida already hosts plenty of dicks in the form of idiots doing stupid shit over there, not to mention the ever-renewing supply of menacing animals trying to kill everyone when they’re not being stashed in the pants of some of said idiots, so they don’t really need more dumbassery going on with the animal kingdom. That said, it’s not like anyone ever gets a choice in the matter, so strap in, y’all.
And speaking of straps, today’s critters of note will probably find themselves chased by horny Floridians attempting to attach extremely sturdy leather ones to them for scientific research purposes that begin with lewd insertions and likely end with ER visits. According to Creative Loafing Tampa, the creatures in question are neither snakes nor penises, but let’s not let technicalities get in the way of the slippery, dusky-violet dildos of everyone’s dreams.
Taryn Manning Got Engaged At A Bar In Florida
Sorry, everybody, Taryn Manning is officially off the market. The 42-year-old actress/singer/Dancing with the Stars reject got engaged at a bar in Panama City, Florida on Friday. Her girlfriend fiancée, musician Anne Cline, popped the question mid-performance. TMZ has the video of the surprise proposal: Anne walks into the crowd, goes down on one knee, and presents Taryn with a ring. You can’t hear what they’re saying, but Taryn crouches down, they kiss, and Anne slides the ring on her finger. Then they hug and kiss some more. So, using my Mentalist-level body language-reading abilities, my expert guess is Taryn accepted. Taryn confirmed my suspicions to TMZ, adding,“It was the easiest YES I ever said!”
Open Post: Hosted By A Florida Couple Who Crashed Their Dream Mansion To Get Married
Picture this. You’re Courtney Wilson and Shenita Jones. Madly in love. You wanna get married at your “dream home and estate”: the gorgeous Southwest Ranches in Fort Lauderdale. This place has everything: a swimming pool with a waterfall, a hot tub, tennis courts, a gazebo, a bowling alley, and an 800-foot bar. COVID-19 be damned, you set the date and invite all your loved ones! When the big day finally arrives, you show up to the venue and are rudely informed that you’ve never actually booked the mansion, you’re not allowed to be there, and please stop trespassing. You tell the owner of the house you won’t leave, and that this wedding is “God’s message.” So he calls the cops? Exsqueeze me?!
Open Post: Hosted By A Florida Driver Jumping A Drawbridge
The Main Street drawbridge in Daytona Beach, Florida. It sucks, right? If there’s a boat going by, they put the bridge up, and then ya gotta wait minutes until it passes. Well, for one driver, this delay just wasn’t gonna fly. But their car was. This daredevil sped through the bridge’s traffic arm rail (which busted their windshield), then successfully jumped the drawbridge as it rose. To be fair, it was barely a jump, as the bridge hadn’t risen very high. But within seconds it was at a much sharper angle, so, yeah, it could’ve gone much worse. Oh, Florida!
The “Naked Cowboy” Was Arrested For Panhandling In Florida
50-year-old Robert Burck, AKA the “Naked Cowboy” of NYC’s Times Square, got arrested very far from home. Homeboy was out and about doing his important work, AKA being out in the streets taking pictures with people and singing along to his lone guitar. You’d think during a pandemic he’d give it a rest, but even back when coronavirus lockdowns started, a mask-wearing Naked Cowboy was out in NYC singing to nobody. Since the NYC pigeons can’t slide dollar bills into his performin’ panties (and they wouldn’t if they could!), the Naked Cowboy took his act to Florida since there are a lot more people in Florida who don’t mind him yodeling out a stream of germs. But unfortunately for him, some new panhandling laws got him arrested and now he’s all up in arms because it’s a law that negatively impacts “impoverished” people like himself.
Tom Brady Celebrated His Seventh Super Bowl Win By Getting Day Drunk And Tossing Around The Lombardi Trophy
Tom Brady left the New England Patriots to join the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for a cool $30 million a year. And this year, the Buccs won the Super Bowl with major help from Tom Brady. To celebrate his seventh Super Bowl win, Tom got absolutely lit during the day and tossed around the Vince Lombardi Trophy and stumbled around through the assistance of good friends. I’m glad he had such a good time. I’m also glad that coronavirus doesn’t exist in Florida, otherwise all this Super Bowl celebrating would lead to a lot of infections!