The last time I was in Florida, I tried to pay for a cup of coffee with a baby gator I found lounging in a park. I thought that in Florida you could pay for anything with either a gator, meth or a hand job. No wonder they threw me out, because gator isn’t a form of currency in Florida and this dude learned that the hard way.
Today In “Because Of Course,” James Franco Will Direct A Movie Version Of That Twitter Stripper Saga
If you were on the Internet at least once last October, you most likely filled your brain with the 148-tweet saga of Hooters girl/stripper Zola (real name: Aziah Wells) who went on a ho trip to Florida that ended in pimp-on-pimp murder. Zola’s Florida tale of ho’ing gone wrong went so damn wide that not too long ago I saw someone at a restaurant wearing a “HOEISM” t-shirt. Before everyone read Zola’s ho shit saga in October, she tweeted the story twice but deleted it. She wanted it to get more attention so she tweeted it a third time in October, and added some fake shit for dramatic effect (the pimp shooting someone, Jarrett trying to kill himself, etc) and tried to tell it in a funny way. Bitch got her wish, because it touched a million pairs of eyeballs and now it’s being turned into a movie.
Back in November, Rolling Stone went to Detroit to meet Zola and get the real story behind the night where she and “this white bitch” Jessica went to Florida to make some extra money stripping but ended up in all sorts of fucked-up situations. (“Pfft, that sounds like a slow night in Florida,” said every trick who lives in Florida) Zola told Rolling Stone that besides the murder and suicide stuff, most of it was true. Jessica did have a crazy pimp and ended up hooking. However, Jessica told Rolling Stone that a lot of it was made up and Zola was the one who sold her pussy to johns. Rolling Stone’s article titled “Zola Tells All: The Real Story Behind The Greatest Stripper Saga Ever Tweeted” will be adapted into a movie, and of course, James Franco is directing and starring it. Deadline says that writers Andrew Neel and Mike Roberts will write the script. No word if Zola is involved at all, but she did tweet the news.
If you listen really closely, you can hear a million people screaming, “I called it,” at once, because everyone called this. Everyone with a brain who read Zola’s story just knew that James Franco was going to find away to get involved. And we all know how this is going to go. James Franco is going to play the pimp, Vanessa Hudgens is going to play Zola, Ashley Benson is going to play Jessica and they’re going to call it Spring Breakers 2: Vibing Over Hoeism.
A Carter was arrested last night and it wasn’t Aaron Carter for breaking into Hilary Duff’s bedroom to steal her worn panties, hump her pillow and make out with her toothbrush. Nick Carter was arrested after he allegedly busted out a violent, drunken scene at Hog’s Breath Saloon in Key West, FL. Nick Carter acting a mess at Hog’s Breath Saloon isn’t even the most Florida news I read yesterday. That title goes to the story about the dude who ate crack in front of a cop during a traffic stop.
According to Gossip Cop, the police report says that Nick and another dude named Michael Rae Papayans showed up to Hog’s Breath Saloon at around 7pm last night and they were both several kinds of wasted. The bartender refused to help them get drunker by serving them more booze and he told them both to take their asses out of the bar. That set Michael off and he allegedly head-butted the bar manager while Nick choked out the bouncer. The bar’s staff joined forces and held Nick and Michael down until the police showed up.
TMZ says that Nick and Michael were both arrested for battery and are still in custody. Nick said a couple of months ago that he’s dry now and completely off booze and the bad shit. Nick’s wife Lauren Kitt is currently knocked up with their child.
TMZ also posted body cam footage shot by a Key West police officer after the bar fight. The video looks like it was shot with a water-damaged Le Clic from the 80s, but you can clearly hear Michael admit that they were drunk as hell and he blames the fight on Nick. Michael also name drops Nick Carter’s name to the cop and the cop didn’t flinch. I’m surprised the cop didn’t stop everything and squeal out, “THEE Nick Carter? That changes everything! You’re both free to go as soon as you give me an autograph and a selfie!” That cop is obviously a 98 Degrees fan.
And the only thing I want to know is if the bouncer screamed, “Quit playing games with my froat,” when Nick Carter choked him. Yeah, yeah, I’ll start walking toward the exit as you cue up The Price is Right losing horn.
It’s a little shocking that this doesn’t happen to all of us at the DMV. You know, after waiting for 5 hours in a sea of grump-faced hos who don’t want to be there, the fluorescent lights begin to eat away at your soul and after your number is finally called, the employee tells you that they’re going to need a copy of your birth certificate and your social security card before they process your request. That’ll make a bitch snap and do stupid shit like a kick a cop’s huevos.
Gawker posted this video from Facebook of a Florida rose turning into a rabid horse gone wild after a cop has to step in because she’s apparently causing some kind of trouble at a DMV in Deerfield Beach. This mess turns into an episode of The Bad Girls Club in the blink of an eye. The cop tries to get her to come with him and she escalates the situation real quick by kicking him in the nuts. Ding ding ding! The cop then went WWE on her ass by body slamming her to the floor and he tried to restrain her, but chick flopped around like a methy fish out of water. Trying to hold down a possessed kangaroo would be easier than trying to hold her down.
And that floor crawl to freedom….
What I witnessed @ the Deerfield Beach DMV..
Posted by Victoria Nascimento on Friday, December 11, 2015
If this video happened in 2007, we’d all be saying, “Daddy Spears, come and get your daughter!”
The anti-DMV warrior didn’t only kick out some Mortal Kombat moves, she also spit out some gems like:
“You can’t even fight!”
“Even though I kicked his ass, I’m out of here!”
“I’m not going to jail!”
“If you let me go, then I won’t make a scene!”
The last line makes me think that the whole thing was staged and scripted by Christopher Guest. She tries to castrate a cop with her foot and loses it in the middle of the DMV and after all that, she says “I won’t make a scene!” That shit is Shakespearean.
Some people are saying that she’s on drugs, and yeah, duh, but she could also just be high on the drug called Florida.
Q: How can you make my favorite state Florida a thousand times crazier?
A: Inject some Tom Cruise into it!
Floridians better curb their glibness, because the Prince of Scientology may become a full-time citizen of their land. Tommy is currently trying to sell his 10,000 square foot Beverly Hills mansion on the down low for $50 million. So if you have $50 million and you’re looking for a mansion that’s got an underground cell for your prison bride and an enormous shoe closet to house all of your high heels in, look no more. But Tommy isn’t looking for another mansion in Los Angeles. A source tells UsWeekly that he wants to live closer to Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, FL.
“Tom hates living in L.A. and is relocating to Florida,” a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly. “He thinks all the people in Hollywood are fake.”
The Scientologist, 53, who listed his Beverly Hills mansion for $59 million, is also looking forward to being closer to his church’s headquarters in Clearwater, Fla. Fellow believer John Travolta “loves his life there and inspired Tom,” says the source. “He was ready to go.”
Tommy does have a point. People in Hollywood are really fake and I bet even their Thetans are filled with Botox and silicone. It’s best that he goes off to Florida to be with real, sane people who believe in real things like an intergalactic dictator who ruled a space confederacy 75 million years ago and brought his billions of followers to earth so he could stack them around volcanoes and kill them with hydrogen bombs. Real stuff like that.
And honestly, if Tommy Girl moves to Florida, I’m sure the state’s production of authentic fuckery will drop by a huge percentage. Because all of the gator fuckers, meth heads and beautiful messes are going to throw up their hands and say, “There goes the neighborhood,” before moving to another state.
If you’re squinting at that name while saying, “Doesn’t ring a bell” (aka the same thing North West thinks to herself when her weekday nanny asks her if she misses Kim), then you’re probably not an abuelo of the internet like some of our old asses around here.
Latarian Milton drove into the heart of the internet a million years ago (7 to be exact) when he was just 7 years old and stole his grandma’s SUV to take it for a joy ride around Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Dude was obviously Lindsay Lohan’s driving instructor, because he hit two mailboxes, two parked cars and two moving cars during his short ride. Latarian became an overnight internet star, because when he was interviewed by the news, he made it clear that he subscribes to Florida’s motto: We Just Don’t Give A Fuck!
When asked why he did it, he said, “I wanted to do it, because it’s fun. It’s fun to do bad things like drive into a car.” He was also asked if he knew he could possibly kill someone, “Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends.”
Latarian took Hollywood by STORM after that and by that I mean he was on Tosh.0, was almost on Judge Judy and The Boondocks did an episode about him. Latarian continued with that hood rat stuff way of life by getting into trouble for beating his grandma at a Walmart over some chicken wings two months after his joy ride. Latarian became abuelita enemy #1, but then he sort of disappeared after that. I still quote him today, because he’s one of my favorite poets along with God Warrior.
Well, we FINALLY have a Latarian Milton update. WESH Orlando says that Latarian has officially retired from doing bad things and he’s now a 14-year-old who just graduated from middle school. Latarian still lives with his grandma who said that she straightened him out and she may or may not have used the chancleta to do so. Latarian is going to play football in high school and he hopes to play football in college too. If he plays football the same way he drives, he’ll knock them all down.
This is what Latarian looked like on graduation day:
— Andrea Dennis (@AndreaKDennis) June 4, 2015
If you look at that certificate closely, you will see the words: “Latarian Milton Is 14 Years Old. You’re All Older Than Dust.” If you looked closely and still didn’t see those words, put your bifocals on, you old bitch.