Meet Paul Flart (also known as Doug). Paul is a happy-go-lucky guy in Florida who was hired to be the security guard at a local hospital. People figured out Paul was a real ham and decided to make him the first person people saw when they walked in because he was such a jovial dude. Well, somewhere in that timeframe, Paul must have gone overboard on the kidney beans at the cafeteria because he let out an octave from his butt trumpet and…EUREKA! He discovered the acoustics in that hospital welcoming hall rivaled that of Carnegie Hall.
Paul spent six months ripping the most epic of cheek sneezes, and the Internet couldn’t get enough. His ass (literally) went viral, and he amassed thousands of followers tuning in to see his looks of shock, glee, and sometimes embarrassment of those ass claps. Alas, Paul’s boss didn’t have time for Paul’s ass antics, and he got fired. Luckily for us, Paul filmed it…and has a future planned!
Back when I was a kid, I couldn’t use the threat, “I’m calling the cops!”, on my abuelita, because the cops probably would’ve gladly held me down as she chancleta’d the stank out of me. But times have changed, and nowadays the cops will put a Florida granny in handcuffs even if the brat she slapped with a chancleta (or a slipper in this case) is 46 years old.
Hannibal Buress made some bad memories in Miami, Florida this weekend. I should be more specific, since I’m pretty sure “bad memories” is the state’s motto. TMZ says that Hannibal was arrested early Sunday morning for “disorderly intoxication,” an arrest that involved a pissed-off Hannibal getting pushed into a police car. Don’t let that “2 blessed 2 b stressed” face he’s serving in his mugshot fool you; Hannibal most certainly wasn’t thrilled to be getting arrested.
There’s probably one question forming in your head and let me save you some brain power by saying, yes, yes, this happened in Florida. If this happened anywhere else, a strong wind would’ve carried his ass to Florida, because even Mother Nature knows where this kind of fuckery belongs.
Back in July, Pitbull released a song called Sexy Beaches, which as you can guess is about sexy beaches. Particularly, Florida’s sexy beaches. Pitbull, who is from Miami, shouts about sexy beaches and hotels as sexy bitches in swimsuits splash around in slow motion in the water. It was pretty much a commercial for Florida. The only thing missing was a voice-over at the end instructing you to dial 1-800-FLORIDA and ask to speak to Candace for more information on vacation packages.
As it turns out, yeah, Sexy Beaches was a commercial, and Pitbull got paid a lot of money for it. Unfortunately, he got in a little trouble this week because it took a lot of poking to get Pitbull to admit how much he was paid for it.
Tip of the year: If your crazy ass wants to get revenge on an ex-piece by torching his car, make sure you have the right car before doing so. You’ll end up in the chokey either way, but at least you also won’t have to deal with the embarrassment of fucking up your own revenge stunt.