Michael K e-mailed the link to this video to me with the subject heading of “Metro Station in concert.” Rude and incorrect. Trace Cyrus could never rock out like this. Look at these horsies thrash! It looks like these dudes in the car just rolled up and let them freestyle to the music. Metal is going to make a serious comeback, and it’s going to be due to these equine Pantera stans. The animal kingdom is so ahead of these things.
Why can’t I ever make stuff like this work? Recently, I myself pulled up beside a cow pasture, rolled down the window, and started blaring “Glass & Patron” by FKA twigs. Not one of those lazy heifers started duck-walking or death-droppng. Horses are obviously a lot less uptight than bovines.
FKA Twigs: “And remember, darling – don’t be photographed anywhere near her, or my Twitter mentions are fucked.”
Robert Pattinson: (too hypnotized by her FKA Crotch to respond)
Last year’s undisputed Dick Queen of the Met Gala and her still-manages-to-look-greasy-even-with-a-shaved-head Hipster Prince almost had a run-in with his ex last night. It’s 2016, and most people probably couldn’t give a glitter-covered vampire crap that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart went to the same fancy-people party. But there are definitely still some Twihards out there who were no doubt reaching for the nearest brown paper bag in which to hyperventilate into after they realized that RPattz and KStew almost reunited on the Met Gala red carpet last night. I don’t know what happened once they were inside. Maybe they got together and did shots at the bar? Or maybe that never happened, because RPattz was too busy shooing people away from FKA Twigs who mistook whatever she’s wearing for a lumbar support belt and decided to ask her how much she would charge to move a 3 bedroom townhouse.
FKA Twigs barely stuck to the theme of technology, but Kristen Stewart did even less with the theme. As usual, KStew showed up in Chanel. She also apparently told the person doing her makeup: “Sure, silver eyeliner, whatever. I DON’T CARE.”
Despite the fact that silver eye shadow and some busted Hackers hair is literally the laziest way you could interpret the technology them, I am 100% into it. It takes me back to being 16 and blowing my first paycheck on a partially-damaged box of Frost & Tip and a 2-pack of Bonne Bell Eye DeFiners in Platinum.
It really hasn’t been a great month for ~artsy~ type singers and their handsome Hollywood fiances. First Liam Hemsworth announces that he’s not engaged to Miley Cyrus, now this. According to InTouch – who is currently getting their asses sued by Blake Shelton for allegedly spreading lies, so take all of this with several grains of salt – FKA Twigs is being denied the aloof hipster nymph wedding of her dreams, because Robert Pattinson has called off their engagement. Their love is dead and their marriage isn’t happening.
A source says Rob and Twigs were supposed to get married this summer. But Rob recently put a bunch of stop-payments on their linen and chair rentals, because he wasn’t feeling a wedding anymore. The source claims that planning their wedding was a “major drag” for RPattz because he and Twigs were fighting all the time. Or maybe it was such a drag because Robert couldn’t ask for wedding cake suggestions on Twitter without the handful of remaining Twihards tweeting back “WHATEVUR FLAVOR U PICK I HOPE FKA TWIGS CHOKES ON IT!!!” Regardless, the source says it was “a long time coming.” They add:
“[She] isn’t the girl for him. She’s very jealous and he was sick of having to explain himself. He’s still young and just decided he wasn’t ready to settle down.”
As for that whole “having to explain himself” thing. Earlier this month, Robert was allegedly seen at a party in Beverly Hills working his greasy-haired game on some rando. But Gossip Cop wants you to know that never happened.
Neither Robert or FKA Twigs have confirmed that they’ve been calling up friends and telling them to go ahead and return that toaster they bought them. So who knows, maybe they’re still picking out china patterns and whatnot. But just in case they actually are begging for their venue deposits back, it might be a good idea for Kristen Stewart to prove there isn’t also trouble in pussydise by doing a hand-holding pap stroll with SoKo. The last thing anyone wants going into the weekend is the sound of the Nutty Madams of the world screaming that their beloved Robsten might be getting back together.
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.
Nobody has ever set fire to the grounds of Coachella the way that Leonardo DiCatchAHo did when he delivered some “middle-aged dad doing Zumba while high on meth” during MGMT’s set last year, but Robert Pattinson still tried to out-dork Leo in the moves department on Sunday night.
One of the prices a multi-millionaire movie star may have to pay for being a multi-millionaire movie star is that a stranger will record him awkwardly swaying and bopping to Drake at Coachella. While his fiancee FKA Twigs gracefully moved like a blissed out nymph at a seance, RPattz moved like a sumo wrestler bobble head figure doing a lazy version of the Humpty Dance. The beat got a hold of RPattz’s shoulders and shook him until he looked like a dry heaving turtle. (Hmmm, on that note, maybe he just watched Madonna suck the life force out of Drake.)
Here’s another one for your “White Dudes Dancing To Hip Hop” file.
He looks like a haughty video game villain cackling while watching his minions attack his enemy. But I can’t totally laugh at his dork moves, because if that was me, that video would’ve ended much differently. It would’ve ended with a paramedic trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on me, because when I dance to hip hop while vaping, I look like a fucked up orangutan choking on a carrot stick.
And here’s some pictures of RPattz at Coachella over the weekend. The computer lab screens in the Twihard ward of every mental hospital are probably covered in saliva, because you know those hardcore Twihards licked the moist spot on RPattz’s pit.
I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:
“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”
I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.