Robert Pattinson gave Twi-hards a boner the other day when Howard Stern asked him if he was still engaged to FKA Twigs, and he replied, “Yeah, kind of.” Nobody checked to see if Kristen Stewart, while soaking in the lady pond, replied, “Don’t even think about it.” Nothing would give those fanged fans greater glee than seeing the reboot of Edward and Bella, even if Bella is into poon and Edward is into… bad haircuts and rank-ass movies. FKA apparently took Rob’s maybe-maybe-not engagement chatter as the green light to paw up on another piece. Continue reading
If this isn’t a post fit for the “Well Well Well” tag, then I don’t know what is. Remember way back to yesterday, when we were reporting the scandalous news that Katy Perry was spotted sitting next to Robert Pattinson at dinner? Sorry – canoodling over noodles (get it right, Allison). And it was fine and not suspicious at all because Katy and Robert are just friends, and also he’s “kind of” engaged to FKA Twigs? Here’s the part where we all start thinking: “Shoot, maybe that seating choice was more scandalous than we thought.”
I am not kidding when I say I just looked out my window to check and see if any large, scary gray clouds filled the sky. I got this nervous feeling that the remaining Twihards (their numbers may be small, but their obsession is strong) might collectively react to this news by mentally manifesting an angry storm. Thankfully they might be kept busy trying to decode Robert Pattinson’s purposefully cryptic message.
By “shit,” I of course mean IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE. And yes, “Immense Knowledge” is the name of their weed strain of choice.
FKA Twigs is a lot of things. She’s a singer, a songwriter, a dancer, an artiste and Robert Pattinson’s promised one. And after reading her interview with ES Magazine, I learned that she either took the same Scientology homeschool classes as Willow and Jaden Smith or all of their brains were cut from the same hemp cloth. Because FKA Twigs gets deep. FKA Twigs may look like Fievel’s sister from An American Tail, but when she stares out into the vast night, she doesn’t sing Somewhere Out There, she reads the stars.
Michael K e-mailed the link to this video to me with the subject heading of “Metro Station in concert.” Rude and incorrect. Trace Cyrus could never rock out like this. Look at these horsies thrash! It looks like these dudes in the car just rolled up and let them freestyle to the music. Metal is going to make a serious comeback, and it’s going to be due to these equine Pantera stans. The animal kingdom is so ahead of these things.
Why can’t I ever make stuff like this work? Recently, I myself pulled up beside a cow pasture, rolled down the window, and started blaring “Glass & Patron” by FKA twigs. Not one of those lazy heifers started duck-walking or death-droppng. Horses are obviously a lot less uptight than bovines.
FKA Twigs: “And remember, darling – don’t be photographed anywhere near her, or my Twitter mentions are fucked.”
Robert Pattinson: (too hypnotized by her FKA Crotch to respond)
Last year’s undisputed Dick Queen of the Met Gala and her still-manages-to-look-greasy-even-with-a-shaved-head Hipster Prince almost had a run-in with his ex last night. It’s 2016, and most people probably couldn’t give a glitter-covered vampire crap that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart went to the same fancy-people party. But there are definitely still some Twihards out there who were no doubt reaching for the nearest brown paper bag in which to hyperventilate into after they realized that RPattz and KStew almost reunited on the Met Gala red carpet last night. I don’t know what happened once they were inside. Maybe they got together and did shots at the bar? Or maybe that never happened, because RPattz was too busy shooing people away from FKA Twigs who mistook whatever she’s wearing for a lumbar support belt and decided to ask her how much she would charge to move a 3 bedroom townhouse.
FKA Twigs barely stuck to the theme of technology, but Kristen Stewart did even less with the theme. As usual, KStew showed up in Chanel. She also apparently told the person doing her makeup: “Sure, silver eyeliner, whatever. I DON’T CARE.”
Despite the fact that silver eye shadow and some busted Hackers hair is literally the laziest way you could interpret the technology them, I am 100% into it. It takes me back to being 16 and blowing my first paycheck on a partially-damaged box of Frost & Tip and a 2-pack of Bonne Bell Eye DeFiners in Platinum.