Agent Dale Cooper and I have the exact same bewildered look on our faces; surely this is all just a backwards-talking dream and Twin Peaks isn’t actually coming back to television. That would never happen! I bet The Man from Another Place and that shady bitch the Log Lady are behind this fuckery.
But no, this isn’t a dream! Earlier today, Twin Peaks creators David Lynch and Mark Frost confirmed on Twitter that Twin Peaks, the batshit crazy pie-flavored fever dream that aired for two seasons on ABC from 1990 to 1991, is coming back! THIS IS DAMN FINE NEWS! According to Deadline, Showtime will air a third nine-episode season of Twin Peaks sometime in 2016, 25 years after it first premiered. The third season will be written and produced by Lynch and Frost, and all nine episodes will be directed by David Lynch. And there’s also a rumor that ageless super-hottie Kyle MacLachlan will return as FBI agent Dale Cooper. Excuse me while I find an all-red room and do the reverse wall-slide of joy.
The New Twin Peaks (I hope they keep that name) will be set in present-day and will sort of pick up where the last one left off, aka INSANE TOWN. Lynch and Frost hope to wrap up any loose ends that were left at the end of the second season and the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. But I don’t really care what they do! They can spend all nine episodes having Dale Cooper teach the teenage ghost of Laura Palmer how to drive or dedicate a whole episode to Nadine Hurley buying a new eye-patch. All that matters is that they find a way to bring back the true star of Twin Peaks, Lara Flynn Boyle! Twin Peaks is nothing without that exquisite collagen-plumped peony blossom!
I bet David Faustino is sending her a text message that says “Sorry Chicken Legs, invite only!” NO! That’s more of an Al Bundy thing to do. David’s probably just checking to see if “I Told Ya” has hit 100,000 views on YouTube yet (so close!)
Mark this day in your calendars. For the first time in recent history, an actual legitimate STAR was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Katey Sagal (aka Gemma from Sons of Anarchy, aka Leela from Futurama, aka LIFE INSPIRATION PEGGY BUNDY) was honored for her contributions to refined stay-at-home lot lizard couture and exquisite red-headed glamour. Sadly she didn’t waddle out in cheetah-print spandex ass-wrap with her tits out, but she did bring the cast of Married…with Children back together for a mini-reunion to celebrate. Katey was joined on the red carpet by Christina Applegate, Ed O’Neill, and Grandmaster B. Unfortunately, it was a huge waste of time, because you can’t have a Married…with Children reunion without Marcy D’Arcy! Maybe they were afraid she’d show up wearing something super hot and steal the spotlight.
And the YOU HAD ONE JOB award goes to the person responsible for denying Christina the opportunity to introduce Katey’s Walk of Fame star as if it was the neeeeeeew Allanté . She is a model! You had one job! I’m sure she still has the dress! First we’re denied Marcy D’Arcy, then a Bundy Bounce? RUDE!
Here’s more of the bizarro bougie version of Peggy, Al, Kelly, and Bud (in this version, Buck is played by a French Bulldog), as well as Katey with the SOA crew at her Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday in Hollywood:
NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music starring soulless Swiss Miss puppet Carrie Underwood was a mess, but it was a major hit, because America’s favorite pastime is witnessing train wrecks. So a few months ago NBC announced that they’re following up The Sound of Music with Peter Pan Live! And at the Televisions Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills this morning, the head bitch of NBC, Robert Greenblatt, announced that Christopher Walken will sing, dance and throw jazz hands (more like jazz hooks) as Captain Hook! Greenblatt spit this out about it:
“He might really be a song and dance man at heart. He’s fearless as a comedic actor and always comes to play. I guarantee you he’s going to bring his own spin to Captain Hook. He might be the first tap-dancing Captain Hook.”
Robert Greenblatt also said that they’re going to cast a chick as Peter Pan and I guess Cathy Rigby already turned it down, because they asked Kristen Bell, but she can’t do it due to scheduling conflicts. So the search continues until singing trapeze artist Pink finally says, “Okay, fuck it, I’ll do it,” or until NBC wakes the hell up and casts the only hot bitch who should play Peter Pan: Peter Pan Dude!
But back to Christopher Walken…
Peter Pan Live! is going to be disaster (and the flying scenes will probably look like this), but at least it’s going to be a somewhat watchable disaster thanks to Christopher Walken. I hope NBC tweaks with Peter Pan a little bit and includes a scene where Captain Hook, the crocodile and Smee recreate this magical number (starts at around the 1:00 mark):
It seemed like every time Olympic gold medal-winning Australian swimmer and pearl necklace model (too easy) Ian Thorpe would sit down for an interview, the interviewer would start off by asking, “So, Ian, do your nipples get hard when the tip of a hard peen touches your tongue? YES OR NO?” Over the years, Ian has been asked if he’s gay at least ten thousand times and he has denied away every single time. Ian practically won the gold medal in denying. For years, Ian told everyone that he’s a vagina-loving vagina lover who loves nothing more than vagina and he loves vagina so much that when he swims he pictures himself swimming toward a giant vagina. Vagina. Ian wrote in his 2012 memoirs that all the gay questions hurt him and that hos not believing he’s straight was an attack on his character. Well, after years and years doing the backstroke along the river of denial, bitches can stop asking Ian if he puckers for peen, because he’s finally come out.
In an interview with Sir Michael Parkinson on Channel 10, Ian, who was recently in rehab for a booze and bad shit addiction, says that he’s been going through some shit and that he got the sads in a major way while hitting the gay rumors with denials. via The Daily Telegraph
The 31-year-old confirms his sexuality for the first time Sunday in an exclusive interview on Channel 10, telling all to veteran British interviewer Sir Michael Parkinson.
It’s understood the interview, which Parkinson has described as one of the best he has ever conducted, includes a full admission from Thorpe that he is gay despite having dated women in the past.
The Sunday Telegraph says: A momentous and deeply brave act
In the emotional sit-down shot last month, Thorpe also details the years of depression he has battled while denying his sexuality from the world. Part of that concealment included his own autobiography This Is Me, published in 2012, in which Thorpe wrote that he found questions about his sexuality hurtful.
Better late than never and I’d like to think Ian planned it so that the news of him coming out came out on International Gay Day (aka Richard Simmons’ birthday)! Let’s hope the International Gay Day gifts keep coming and by that I mean let’s hope John Travola finally twirls out of the closet that hasn’t had a door on it since the 90s. Anyway, congratulations, Thorpedo, and Happy Richard Simmons’ Birthday!
Amy Adams was about to get on a flight from Detroit, where she’s filming that Batman vs. Superman mess, to LAX yesterday when she noticed a US solider at the gate, and being the nice, genuine, gold-hearted daughter of a military man that she is, she asked to have their seats switched. Amy was in first class and the soldier was in coach. And now everyone’s going to start carrying a solider uniform in their carry-on bag just in case Amy Adams is on their flight and they want to experience the free champagne, warm cookies, complimentary anal massage and all the other luxuries of first class. ESPN2′s Jemele Hill told ABC News that Amy didn’t make a big show of it and she talked to the soldier for a little bit before taking herself to the smushed sardines section of the plane. Jemele said this to ABC News:
“I noticed Ms. Adams was in first class and as I was getting seated, I saw the flight attendant guide the soldier to Ms. Adams’ seat. She was no longer in it, but it was pretty clear that she’d given up her seat for him. I was incredibly impressed, and I’m not even sure if the soldier knew who gave him that seat. I guess he will now! Ms. Adams did it so quietly and quickly that it speaks to her character. And somebody in coach just got a helluva seatmate!”
Doesn’t Amy know that it’s June and NOT January? Harvey Weinstein is going to call her up and scream new holes into her ears for this fuck-up. Amy’s out there doing good deeds and her Oscar-bait movie isn’t even close to being out yet. This is not how it’s supposed to happen. Once Amy is officially nominated for that Big Eyes movie, then she can give her first class seat to a US soldier and then the media will magically hear about it, find him and he’ll do the interview circuit where he’ll say that Amy is the kindest, most greatest American who ever lived. Then that soldier will be Amy’s date to the Oscars and when she wins, she’ll bring him onstage and the moment will make viral history. That’s how Harvey Weinstein saw it happening in his head and now Amy has ruined it. “You better save a toddler from a burning building, but do it in JANUARY” is what Harvey’s going to scream at Amy. Jennifer Lawrence would never!
Last year, Radar played with my emotions and made it hard for me to ever trust them AGAIN when they wrongly reported that the crown jewel of the Jackson dynasty married her not-so-secret boyfriend/Louis Vuitton purse holder (Side note: There’s no way that Louis Vuitton bag is his, he seems like a Balenciaga bitch to me) Jeffre Phillips. It turned out to be a lie. Detective La Toya was not a Christmas time bride. But 6 months later, true love has shown that it still has some life in it, because La Toya is really engaged this time.
La Toya tells People that during a romantic dinner in Hawaii with her “best friend” and business partner Jeffre, he dropped to one knee in front of her and she surprisingly didn’t pass out from being so close to his exquisitely crafted eyebrows. Jeffre gave La Toya a 17.5 carat diamond ring and it’s just as demure, understated and modest as she is. Behold!
Jeffre reminds me of an elder Derek J and he’s just a honey glazed ham of fabulousness, so he probably poots out diamonds that big and gorgeous on a daily basis. La Toya told People that Jeffre designed the ring himself and he knows what she likes. La Toya definitely chose the right piece to be her next husband. You should always marry a man who keeps three tweezers, two tiny scissors and 4 different brow pencil shades on him at all times, because if you ever have a MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow emergency, he’ll immediately fix you up and bring back the beauty to your face.
Condragulations to Detective La Toya and Jeffre!
When TIME Magazine put a sullen malnourished afghan hound on the cover of their 100 Most Influential People, it was very clear they had scraped the bottom of the basic barrel and were in desperate need of some BIC glamour. So it was a unanimous decision that they give this week’s cover to the hottest bitch on Orange Is The New Black. Sadly, the eyeliner teardrop on Flaca’s face was unavailable, so they went with their second choice, Laverne Cox.
Laverne landed her own cover just weeks after the people of the internet hit send on thousands of emails demanding an explanation FOR WHY Laverne was so rudely excluded from TIME’s Influential issue, despite being the #5 pick in an online poll of this year’s most influential people. Nobody from TIME really said much, except for today, when a spokesperson for TIME told BuzzFeed that Laverne’s cover story had been in the works for months. And I can see why they’d want to keep this all very hush-hush; this week’s issue of TIME Magazine is a groundbreaking one. For the first time in history, someone has managed to wear a Hervé Léger bandage dress without looking like a day-shift hooker from Reno. NO! It’s because Laverne Cox is the first transgender person to ever grace the cover of TIME Magazine. I also believe she’s the first person to serve so much damn FACE as well (sorry Tommy Girl, sashay away).
The only thing I don’t understand is why they made her pose as if someone caught her on her way to the bathroom. Do they not give pee-pee breaks on a TIME Magazine shoot? Regardless, aside from giving me shades of a Detrol commercial, it’s impossible for her not to look hot. TIME could have denied her a pee-pee break AND put her in a pair of maxi-pad shower shoes, and Beyoncé would still be leaving angry voicemails demanding a re-shoot and the name of Laverne’s wig person.
Michael Sam became the first openly gay player in the NFL and Conchita Wurst, the glamorous Austrian Jesus in a gorgeous beaded sausage casing, won Eurovision. The only way this weekend could get any better is if an Anderson Cooper Real Doll dropped on my front doorstep and it’s announced that Milk from RuPaul’s Drag Race is going to play Bea Arthur in a biopic for HBO.
Conchita Wurst, the bearded drag queen goddess persona of 25-year-old Thomas Neuwirth, beat all of the other European in the rhinestone-embedded glamorous version of The Hunger Games called Eurovision! Conchita and her song “Rise Like A Phoenix” beat Russia (who got earfuls of boos) and the Ukraine by getting 290 points. The Netherlands got second and Sweden got third. The gold glitter falling from the skies is from the most glamorous angels in heaven jizzing over the news that Conchita Wurst has been crowned the Queen of Europe. Here’s Conchita after winning. All hail Conchita!
Dear Austria, can we trade you a Conchita for a Kardashian?
And here’s syphilis in a beard Russell Brand paying tribute to Conchita on Twitter last night:
Russell Brand tried it, but this is more “unshaven Kim Kardashian at 5 o’clock” than Conchita Wurst.
Michael Sam became the first every openly gay player to get drafted into the NFL last night when the St. Louis Rams (so many ram jokes, so little time) picked him up and if he makes the team he’ll become the NFL’s first openly gay player. Football is a foreign language to me, so I don’t know what any of those words mean. But I guess it’s wonderful news, because everyone cheered and while ESPN’s cameras were on him when he got the news, the raw emotion flowed out of Michael Sam and he wrapped his “anaconda trying to digest a family of hogs” arms around his hot piece of a boyfriend Vito before kissing him. So, an openly gay black athlete kissed his white boyfriend on TV…. If you pull out your binoculars and look out the window, you might see a charbroiled ball of fried skin flying by. That’s just Donald Sterling’s head flying through the air after it popped off of his neck.
The SEC Defensive Player of the Year, who came out a few months ago, was picked 249th overall. Of course, some hating whores are pissed about this and saying that ESPN shouldn’t show something on TV that the Bible says is wrong! I’m guessing those good Christians also send hate-filled letters to networks that show Red Lobster commercials, because eating shellfish is against God’s word. I also read some “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” comments on other sites. I know, we really need to think of the children and stop torturing them by making them watch the NFL draft on ESPN, because that shit seems boring as fuck.
Yesterday, was an important day for the gay community and also for the two first names community and it’s the beginning of a new era, but with all that being said, I cannot condone this kind of behavior:
CAKE KISSING MUST BE STOPPED! Whenever I go to a wedding and I see the newlyweds smearing cake all over each other’s faces before kissing, I want to call 911 and report an assault on delicious cake. Cake is meant to be eaten! It’s not meant to be used as mouth lube! THINK OF THE CAKE!
First for the good news since I hardly ever have good news.
For what has felt like centuries, HBO has been tapping all of our hungry parts with a hard dick by teasing about how the greatest TV show of 2005 The Comeback may make a comeback. There’s been rumors for a couple of months that The Comeback’s creator Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow were in talks to do a second season of the show that was way ahead of its time and today Kristin at E! says that it’s actually happening. Scripts are being written and production will start on May 19th. The second season will pick up 9 years later and Malin Ackerman and Kellan Lutz are coming back. The new season will be six episodes and HBO is treating it like a standalone event, but if bitches watch it they’ll bring it back for another season.
For 9 years I’ve been praying for the triumphant return of Aunt Sassy and finally my prayers have been answered! It’s a miracle. Now if the powers-that-be above can continue to answer my prayers by turning my body pillow into a lubed-up naked Prince Hot Ginge and make Jello-1-2-3 juice come out of my bathroom faucets.
And now for the potentially shitty news….
Fox must’ve been jealous over the ratings that NBC got for Sound of Music Live! (Well, live except for Carrie Underwood’s wet cardboard acting skills), because they’re planning a live production of Grease to air in 2015. Later this year, NBC is doing that dusty old Peter Pan musical and so Fox is trying to lure in the young whores by doing a young, sexy version of Grease. You’re the one that I’m not sure I want… Deadline says:
Fox’s staging will feature a young ensemble cast, the Casey/Jacobs songs “Summer Nights,” “Greased Lightnin’” and “We Go Together”; as well John Farrar’s “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and ”You’re The One That I Want.” “Greese‘s iconic characters and addictive songs make it the perfect fit for Fox, and we’re going to give it the kind of star power and production quality to make every Sandy, Danny, Rizzo and Kenickie out there want to get up and sing along,” said Shana C. Waterman, Fox’s SVP Event Series. Added Paramount TV president Amy Powell, “It’s incredibly exciting to have one of our first major network productions be based on this universally celebrated Paramount title.”
Since this is Fox, this is probably their dream cast (aka my nightmare cast):
Ariana Non-Fat Grande Latte IS Sandy!
Justin Bieber IS Danny!
Miley Cyrus IS Rizzo!
Harry Styles IS Kenickie!
Chris Colfer IS Patty Simcox!
Jane Lynch in character as Sue Sylvester IS Teen Angel!
Ryan Seacrest IS Vince Fontaine!
Lea Michele IS Frenchy!
They should really consider casting the Biebs as Sandy instead since he’s a bad, bad girl trapped in the body of an innocent ingenue.
And those bitches at Fox better do right and cast La Vampy as my second favorite Grease character Cha-Cha!