……Well, Chelsea Handler drowns her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka every morning, because it’s part of her daily beauty regimen, but today she has another reason to drown her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka. CBS just announced that the ho who will slide onto David Letterman’s chair after he farts on it for one last time won’t be Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Ellen DeGeneres, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart or Grumpy Cat. It’ll be Stephen Colbert. Here’s a piece of the announcement that CBS burped up:
The CBS Television Network today announced that Stephen Colbert, the host, writer and executive producer of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning “The Colbert Report,” will succeed David Letterman as the host of THE LATE SHOW, effective when Mr. Letterman retires from the broadcast. The five-year agreement between CBS and Colbert was announced by Leslie Moonves, President and CEO, CBS Corporation, and Nina Tassler, Chairman of CBS Entertainment.
“Stephen Colbert is one of the most inventive and respected forces on television,” said Moonves. “David Letterman’s legacy and accomplishments are an incredible source of pride for all of us here, and today’s announcement speaks to our commitment of upholding what he established for CBS in late night.”
“Simply being a guest on David Letterman’s show has been a highlight of my career,” said Colbert. “I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave’s lead.”
Adding, “I’m thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.”
And by “grind a gap in my front teeth” he meant “chip my front tooth as I dive into the pool of gold coins that CBS gave me!”
I guess this means, RIP The Colbert Report. “We did it! We did it!” – Suey Park the godmother of that #CancelColbert shit
UPDATE: Showbiz411 says that Chelsea Handler will most likely take over for Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show. And I hope that Heather McDonald’s long boobs will take Chelsea’s spot on E!.
And now here’s something for us 80s whores, Danny Pintauro, who played Jonathan Bower on Who’s The Boss? and later found his nuts and taint smeared all over the (NSFW) internet, got married to his man Wil Tabares on the beach in Dana Point, CA yesterday. Danny and Wil live in Nevada where marriage isn’t legal for everyone, so they got became husband and husband in California. After 38-year-old Danny became somebody’s husband, he said this to UsWeekly:
“Everything went off without a hitch. The wedding was terrific and everyone was so happy to be there. We had fun! We went into it with no stress or worries or cares, except to have a good time.”
I’m sure Danny and Wil’s wedding was perfect for them and all that shit, but it would’ve been the wedding of the millennium and one hundred percent perfect if the following happened:
1. Judith Light and Tony Danza walked him down the sand aisle together.
2. Cujo sashayed down the aisle as the ring bearer.
3. Danny painted groom brows on his face before getting married. That could’ve been his something new. How the hell are you going to get married without brows?
4. Katherine Helmond officiated the wedding and opened the ceremony by reciting the lyrics to this inspiring and poetic masterpiece:
There were times I lost a dream or two and one of those times was when Mona DID NOT officiate Jonathan’s wedding.
Fred Phelps is dead, there’s a Bea Arthur iPhone game, the world has been gifted with a boy pussy anthem and Hollywood is making a Jem and the Holograms movie! It’s not only the first day of Spring and International Day of Happiness, it’s also International Gay Day!
I don’t know how I’m typing this, because as soon as I read the headline, “Jon M. Chu is Directing a Jem and the Holograms Film,” I burst into a cloud of star-shaped pink glitter. The day every child of the 80s has been waiting for ever since Jem and the Holograms (and more importantly, my hot bitch idols The Misfits) disappeared off of our TV screens in 1988 has FINALLY arrived. In an announcement that is the video equivalent of God saying, “See, I answer your prayers sometimes,” director Jon M. Chu and producers Jason Blum and Scooter Braun say that they’re making a Jem movie and are asking fans for creative ideas. I hate Scooter Braun for helping to create the urethra plug known as Justin Bieber, but I hate him a little less today. Scooter Braun has somewhat atoned for his sins by trying to make this happen (but he’ll probably fuck it up):
I have 2 issues with this:
1. Jon M. Chu directed G.I. Joe: Retaliation and anybody who rented that mess on VOD and ten minutes in thought to themselves, “I should’ve spent that money on Monster Tacos from Jack in the Box instead,” knows how that turned out.
2. They are moving it to modern day. How can they take what is arguably the Hope Diamond of the 80s and 2014-ize it? Does my soul really want to be exposed to a Jem movie where all the songs are EDM, she communicates with Synergy through FaceTime and her pink star earring is an iEarring by Apple? A Jem movie NEEDS to be made, so I will deal with it.
My dream cast is obvious (Stacey Q in practically every role), so here’s my nightmare cast, which will probably end up being the real cast since Scooter Braun is involved:
Jem / Jerrica Benton – Ke$hit
Kimber Benton – Taylor Swift
Aja Leith – In the cartoon she’s Asian, which means they’ll cast Katy Perry
Shana Elmsford – In the cartoon she’s black, which means they’ll cast Miley Cyrus
Carmen “Raya” Alonso – Selena Gomez
Pizzazz - Emma Roberts
Roxy – Vanessa Hudgens
Stormer – Lorde
Jetta – Jessie J
Synergy – A hologram based on Katherine Heigl and voiced by Goopy Paltrow
But whatever, I’m still going to celebrate with a song!
The fate of Lux, the raging fat pussy who scratched at a baby and held a family hostage in a bedroom, was left up in the air after the police caught his crazy ass and jailed him in a crate. I guessed that Lux would escape out of his crate and assemble an army of fellow angry pussies to get revenge on all of us humans. But Lux’s family says they’re going to keep him and they’re getting him help. Uh huh, they better also get their baby a onesie and bonnet made of armor, because you know Lux is ready for round two.
Lux became an overnight hero to Not The One Pussies everywhere when he went full crazy on Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker and their baby Jesse after Lee kicked him in the ass for scratching Jesse. After barricading themselves in a bedroom in their Portland, OR apartment, Lee called 911 and told the operator that Lux has a “history of violence” and that he “went over the edge.” The cops showed up and after they cleaned up the piss that trickled out of their pant legs from laughing so damn hard, they caught Lux and put him in a crate. Lee and Teresa said at the time that they weren’t sure what they were going to do with Lux. Yesterday, Lee and Teresa told reporters that they’re going to make it work with Lux and a pussy psychologist (Side note: I bet Dimitri the Lover has “pussy psychologist” on his business cards). via HuffPo
Two days after police arrived to subdue the 4-year-old part-Himalayan cat, owner Lee Palmer of Portland said he’s taking the feline to a veterinarian. A pet psychologist also is due at the house to see the cat, named Lux.
“We’re not getting rid of him right now,” Palmer said. “He’s been part of our family for a long time.”
Lee also dropped a little important fact about the details of the night that Lux “terrorized” his family. Lux scratched at the baby after the baby PULLED HIS TAIL! So Lux reasonably declares a massacuh after Jesse pulls his tail and Lee ass kicks him and he’s the one who’s gotta lay down on a tiny sofa and spill out his anger issues to a head doctor?! This is obviously a set up. I thought Lux came at that baby because he was jealous, but now I see that baby is trying to get Lux out of the picture. I see you, trouble-making baby.
But whatever, I hope that by “pet psychologist” they really mean “Jackson Galaxy” and I hope to see all of this unfold on a future episode of My Cat From Hell.
Because if anybody can save the day, it’s this pussy whisperer.
Okay, yeah, sure we all knew that Ellen Page scissored until her crotch pubes burnt off and you’re probably looking at me like, “Tell me something about Juno, I don’t know, bitch,” but she officially came out at the HRC’s Time to THRIVE conference in Las Vegas tonight. Ellen announced in front of everyone that yeah, she likes cooch, and I think I squirted out a dry tear while reading her coming out speech:
“I’m here today because I am gay. And because maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. It’s weird because here I am, an actress, representing — at least in some sense — an industry that places crushing standards on all of us. Not just young people, but everyone. Standards of beauty. Of a good life. Of success. Standards that, I hate to admit, have affected me.
You have ideas planted in your head, thoughts you never had before, that tell you how you have to act, how you have to dress and who you have to be. I have been trying to push back, to be authentic, to follow my heart, but it can be hard.”
A few seconds after, official President of the Gayelle Union, Rojo Calience, ran up with a welcome basket full of Home Depot gift cards, wooden ducks and flannel shirts. Happy Valentine’s Day to us all! Let’s all celebrate Ellen Page’s coming out by eating some cooch! You go first.
UPDATE: And here’s the video of Juno’s speech, which made the mound of ten-week-old burnt up barbecue charcoal in my chest actually feel something.
If Ellen’s hockey watching partner ASkars should feel the need to say something about this good news, can he please attach a new topless hi-res picture of himself to his statement? Because the AskarsNipples folder on my desktop really needs an update.
Pic via Lance Bass’ Instagram
Shitty news for those of you who really wanted to see a crackhead turn George Zimmerman into his own personal Kim Kardashian by pissing all over that ho’s fat face, it’s not going to happen. (But now that Kim Kardashian knows that face pissing is involved, she’ll probably sign up for the next match.) DMX was supposed to get into a boxing ring and fight George Zimmerman in a “celebrity” boxing match, because the world is fucked and whores still love watching two fuck-brained pieces of trash fist each other in the face. But the organizer of that trash extravaganza tweeted today that the match has been canceled, because a strange thing happened to his ass that’s never happened before: he grew a sliver of a conscious. Or maybe he finally looked up who George Zimmerman is and realized that there was no room in the budget for a metal detector. Damon Feldman, the organizer of that Stand Your Ground vs. Get It On The Floor shit show, tweeted (and later deleted) this boo hoo bitch statement:
The George Zimmerman fight is canceled I’m sorry for anyone I hurt with this but this was a very big opportunity thank you
I want to thank everyone for the good n bad comments I’ve made the choice to cancel the fight w George Zimmermann more to life then money
It was my decision to cancel the george zimmerman fight it was worth a lot of money to me but people’s feelings meant more to me
I walked away from av million dollar payday with this fight but to be honest I’d rather be happy and make people happy thank you
Since no weapons were going to be allowed (I’m guessing), that fight was going to be a huge mess anyway. DMX is 43 years old and the bad shit has fucked with his body. And George Zimmerman is George Zimmerman, so it would’ve been just the two of them huffing and sweating and hugging on each other and sweating some more and calling for a time out every 5 seconds. It would’ve been like watching KFed and Victoria Prince fuck. And if anybody deserves to get hit it’s Damon Feldman for calling a nobody whose claim to fame is killing a teenager a “celebrity.”
Bad news for the zero of you dirty whores who really wanted to spread your chocha for Ed Hardy’s failed wingman Jon Gosselin and let him fuck a baby into you so you can spend the next 18 years chasing him through the woods for a child support check, it’s not going to happen. But good news for all of us, Jon Gosselin is done spawning! While whoring out that Couples Therapy show on Wendy Williams (via People), Jon let it be known that he and his girlfriend Liz Jannetta will never have kids together, because they both turned off their baby making parts. As family court judges threw their legs up in the air and squirted out streams of YES, Jon kept it blunt and simple:
“We can’t have more kids. Yeah, I’m fixed and Liz is fixed.”
Yeah, I know we should all be celebrating in the streets over this news, but I’m pretty sure Jon Gosselin got “fixed” a long ass time ago. When Kate Gosselin sunk her viper teeth into his nutsack and pulled that shit out by the root, she probably Vasectomy’d his ass in the process.
For those of us who keep up with the adventures of Robin Roberts’ personal life, the news that she’s a gayelle and has had the same girlfriend for centuries is about as surprising and new as the news that John Travolta’s Scientolohole loves to eat massage therapist dick. But Robin officially twirled out of the glass closet yesterday when she mentioned her partner of 10 years, Amber Laign, in a Facebook post where she reflected on the year she’s had. Robin returned to Good Morning America earlier this year after she took a leave of absence to have a bone marrow transplant.
Flashback 12/29/12….Hard to believe this was 1 year ago today..when I reached a critical milestone of 100 days post transplant…and KJ was finally allowed to come back home.
Reading this comforts me and I hope the same for you: “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” At this moment I am at peace and filled with joy and gratitude. I am grateful to God, my doctors and nurses for my restored good health. I am grateful for my sister, Sally-Ann, for being my donor and giving me the gift of life. I am grateful for my entire family, my long time girlfriend, Amber, and friends as we prepare to celebrate a glorious new year together. I am grateful for the many prayers and well wishes for my recovery. I return every one of them to you 100 fold.
On this last Sunday of 2013 I encourage you to reflect on what you are grateful for too.
Wishing you a Healthy and Happy New Year.
Peace, love, and blessings to all..XO
Congrats to Robin! The official Queen of all Lesbians, Rojo Caliente, will send her a welcome basket in the mail. And now that Robin Roberts is publicly OUT out, we can grab the baton from her hand, open the closet door and wave it at Queen Latifah.
Mark it on the calendar! Today is the day my heart grew 3 sizes too-big and my faith in humanity has been restored!! Who knew a story about the Kardashians would get me so drunk off jubilant happiness. Wait, what is this salty discharge coming from my eyes? Are these tears? Oh my god, I’m crying tears of happiness. Hashtag Blessed.
We should all be sending a muffin basket to Richard Johnson of Page Six today, because he’s reporting it’s time to take the over-cooked turkey we call the Kardashians out of the oven, because it looks like THEY’RE DONE:
“It’s over. The fatigue factor has really set in,” one magazine publisher told me. “None of the Kardashians, either alone or together, is selling.”
Sources say Jann Wenner paid $110,000 for a heavily retouched photo of Kim Kardashian in a white bikini, which he splashed on the Dec. 23 cover of Us Weekly under the headline, “My Body Is Back.”
But the glossy, which usually sells about a half million a week, sold fewer than 400,000 copies, an insider with access to circulation reports told me.
It’s not just Us Weekly: In Touch, Life & Style, and Star also see a major drop in sales when they put a Kardashian on the kover. The only Kardashian covers to see a spike in sales are I Hate Myself Weekly and Dumpy Famewhores, but those magazines have a limited circulation in the 7th Circle of Hell, so they don’t count.
It turns out our love affair with America’s PrinceAsses wasn’t meant to last as longer than Khole’s spanx (two hours and they’re just destroyed beyond belief) and there are a couple theories why:
“I think it’s because Kanye West is so nasty and aggressive. People don’t like him,” the publisher said. “It’s rubbed off on Kim. It’s rubbed off on the whole family.”
Marc Berman of TV Media Insights had a different explanation for why ratings of E!’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and its various spinoffs have sunk.
“It’s simple — overkill,” Berman said. “The Kardashians are everywhere. They never take a break.”
Overkill might be too gentle a word; Kris threw out every bottle of lube and let Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and the Sock One dry fuck us hard with their existence, and only took breaks to do botox shots with Satan.
Here’s more of
a post-workout Hobbit Kim cruising the Shire shopping in Beverly Hills with a friend. Seriously though, looking at the side-profile shot of Kim makes me wonder if Frodo had a trampy girlfriend.
(Pics via Splash)
To promote her new show on Fuse, Big Freedia: Queen of the Bounce, Big Freedia and over 350 people got together in Herald Square in NYC, stuck their asses out and twerked until they beat the Guinness World Record for most people simultaneously twerking at one time. Big Freedia is the New Orleans bounce queen and she’s (call her “she” or “he,” just call her) and started twerking long before Billy Ray Cyrus’ plastic bag and rubber band condom broke and Miley was made, so if anyone should set the record it’s her. Guinness set the rules and didn’t play around with that shit. The rules were:
1. Body must remain upright, with movement concentrated in hips
2. Participants can put hands on knees or hips for support
3. Twerking action cannot comes from knees – hips only
4. Freestyling or additional choreography not permitted – no hands on the ground, feet in the air, twirling, etc.
5. Twerking action must be synchronized, can be at own pace
6. All participants must twerk simultaneously for two minutes when Big Freedia gives the signal
7. Any performers who do not participate fully for the entire two minutes will be deducted from the final total
Here’s Big Freedia showing everyone how twerking is done right:
After they twerked their way to the world record, Big Freedia let everyone know that Miley’s uncooked flatbread ass wasn’t the first ass to twerk, “It would open a lot of doors and set history for bounce music and let the world know that we’ve been twerking for a long time. This is not new at all. Now it’s time to set the record.”
Big Freedia shouldn’t celebrate just yet…. David Miscavige is totally going to dispute that ruling and claim that the world record belongs to Scientology. Because every Saturday night in the Scientology bathhouse, hundreds of male members slather their naked bodies in barley oil, bend over each other, put their hands on their knees and work their hips until all their butt Thetans explode. The world record belongs to them! They’ve been doing that eons.