This Is Going To End Well For All Of Us: E.L. James’ Husband Is Writing The Script For Fifty Shades Darker
Somewhere in the basement at Universal Studios is a red room where E.L. James ties down the executives and as she flogs their nalgas, electrocutes their nipples and squeeze their nuts while wearing a spiked rubber glove, she whispers dirty, disgusting shit in their ears like, “You WILL hire my husband to write the next Fifty Shades movie. Say, ‘Yes, mistress.’” E.L. James has made Universal her slave bitch. E.L. James already got director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel to jump from that shit ship by demanding more creative control and now she’s getting it.
E.L. James supposedly wanted to write the script for the Fifty Shades sequel Fifty Shades Darker herself, but Universal hasn’t completely gone crazy, so they’re not letting her do that. But Universal has agreed to let her husband, author Niall Leonard, write the screenplay, which means she’s probably going to write that shit. Niall has written for several British TV shows and is the author of the Crusher series of books. The Hollywood Reporter says that Niall did some work on the screenplay for Fifty Shades of Grey but didn’t get any credit. Fifty Shades producer Michael De Luca spit up this generic statement to THR:
“Niall is an outstanding writer in his own right, with multiple established credits, and we are lucky to have him join Team Fifty.”
I still haven’t watched Fifty Squirts of Brown, because everybody I know who has seen it has told me that it’s not the campy shit nugget of a masterpiece I was hoping for. But it looks like Fifty Shades Darker is going to deliver what Fifty Shades of Grey failed to. We all know what’s going to happen next. E.L. James will be announced as director of this turd and then she’ll be announced as production designer, costume designer, soundtrack supervisor, sex choreographer, etc…. etc… Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson will eventually check out of that train wreck and E.L. James and Niall Leonard will be announced as their replacements! Please do this, Universal. Please let Fifty Shades Darker be the cinematic dingle it was meant to be.
And here’s some riveting pictures of Dakota with an inanimate object that has more personality than her on the set of How To Be Single in NYC the other day.
Paramedics are going to busy today, because some old ladies are going to get two of the biggest shocks of their lives when they find out that their heterosexual sex god in a satin blazer actually likes dick and married his longtime partner.
Hearts Pacemakers will break today. Don’t tell them about John Travolta. They can only handle so much today.
The American journal of pure integrity The National Enquirer was the first to report that 71-year-old Barry Manilow and his 66-year-old business manager/longtime partner in peen Garry Kief became husband and husband at their estate in Palm Springs, CA last April. When I think of a Barry Manilow wedding, my head fills with glitter, because I think of groomsmen in sequined Copacabana outfits, a beautiful altar flanked with neon palm trees, mermaids doing a synchronized dance of love in the pool and guests gasping at the sight of Barry’s stunning wedding day wig. Basically, I picture an understated, casual day at Liberace’s house. But according to the source I have it all wrong, because the ‘arry’s wedding was intimate and low-key.
The source says that 50 of Barry and Garry’s friends and family were invited, but they weren’t told that a wedding was happening. They all believed they were coming over for a lunch. Barry’s assistant Marc Hulett officiated the ceremony and Suzanne Somers was the best man. The original Clay Aiken was so paranoid about people finding out about the ceremony that he and Garry didn’t even sign any paperwork, so they’re not legally married. Oh, Barry!
“Barry has lived a very secretive life and the wedding was no different! Barry and Garry did not tell friends or family that the occasion was their wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and consummated their lifelong love affair!
Barry is paranoid that his fans would not approve of him being gay, when in reality, many have suspected it for years – and most wouldn’t care. They would be happy for him!”
The people who don’t know that Barry Manilow is gay are the same people who ask me in a serious voice if I have a girlfriend. Their gaydars are the wind up kind and the clockwork motor broke a long ass time ago. Barry and Garry should come out with their love, because the source is right, most Fanilows probably wouldn’t care that he’s gay. In fact, some of them would be relieved. They’ve been saving their vagina for him and after they find out that they really have no chance in hell with him, they’ll run out and get them some dick. Barry would be giving them the gift of dick and that’s a beautiful, beautiful gift.
Here’s Barry’s best man with her man at some event in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
Excuse me, but I need a moment to slip into the kitchen and brew myself an extra-large mug of Throat Coat to deal with the 3rd degree scream damage I sustained from reacting to this news with a decibel-shattering YAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS.
Typically whenever Hollywood announces that they’re going to reboot something (aka ruin it), I can’t roll my eyes fast enough or kick out enough chairs for Hollywood to take a seat, but not this time. Deadline says that Fox has confirmed that they’re bringing The X-Files back for a six-episode event, and that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will return as FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. No word on whether their hot no-nonsense hunk of a boss Skinner will be back, but that’s sort of irrelevant, considering he’s still making appearances in my dreams.
Series creator Chris Carter will also be involved, and he says he considers the time since the The X-Files finale in 2002 and this upcoming 6-epsiode series as a “13-year commercial break.” The X-Files ran for 9 seasons and produced two feature films, one of which was good (sit down, The X-Files: I Want to Believe – I wasn’t talking about you).
I know they haven’t said anything else about casting, but I really hope they bring back Doug Hutchison as Eugene Tooms, if only so they have an excuse to write a part for his gorgeous living x-file of a wife Courtney Stodden.
Nearly 33 years – THIRTY-THREE YEARS, by the way – after the release of one of the sexiest sci-fi movies every made (just me? Okay then), Variety is confirming that a sequel to Blade Runner is happening and it will star sexy salt and pepper pep-pep Harrison Ford. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you finish screaming “Hollywood has OFFICIALLY run out of ideas.”
Ridley Scott won’t be back to direct Blade Runner 2: Electric Replicant Boogaloo, so he’ll be replaced with French-Canadian director Denis Villeneuve. The script has been written by one of the original screenwriters, and Harrison Ford claims it’s “the best thing (he’s) ever read.” Sure, Jan; that’s what everybody says when there’s a giant dump truck full of cash backing into their driveway. NO! I’m sure it will be as good as the original. Plus, bringing back Harrison Ford back will finally answer the question of whether or not Deckard was a human or a replicant, because I don’t remember any scenes from Blade Runner featuring any old-looking replicants complaining about their hip joints or high cholesterol.
Normally a sequel getting the green light 33 years after the original would be the definition of a disaster, but this movie is going to be great for two reasons:
1. If Harrison Ford agreed to do a late-in-life version of Indiana Jones, a late-in-life version of Han Solo, and now a late-in-life version of Rick Deckard, then that means there’s a very good chance he might also agree to do a late-in-life version of Jack Trainer in a sequel to Working Girl. Somebody PLEASE get working on that.
2. THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEAN YOUNG! Sean Young better be in the Blade Runner sequel. After all, Harrison Ford said the script was the best thing he’s ever read, and he definitely wouldn’t have said that if it didn’t include a hue part for that A-list ball of crackpot crazy.
Never mind his shifty chihuahua Miguelito throwing us a look like, “I know, he’s acting like this is new information.”
Oscar and Tony-winning treasure and the original Emcee from Cabaret Joel Grey (born name: Joel David Katz) tells People that labels aren’t for him, but if he had to do that he’d label himself as a gay man. Joel was married to actress Jo Wilder from 1958 to 1982 and they made two kids together, James Katz and Baby Houseman (aka Jennifer Grey). Joel says that he’s always gotten the tingles for chicks and dudes, but it took him a while to be honest with himself about his love of guys. Joel says that he’s been out to his family and friends for years, but he has never publicly said that yes, he is a friend of Dorothy’s daughter, but he’s also a friend of Dorothy as well. (Side note: While doing research for this post, as a serious journalist does,, I learned this hilarious and crazy fact about “the friend of Dororthy” phrase.) As the gay community sings “willkommen, bienvenue” to Joel, he said this to People:
“I don’t like labels, but if you have to put a label on it, I’m a gay man. All the people close to me have known for years who I am. Yet] it took time to embrace that other part of who I always was.”
Baby Houseman also said some words to People about her father coming out at this point in his life:
“I feel very happy for my dad that he has come to a point in his life where he feels safe and comfortable enough to declare himself in a public way as a gay man. Mostly because the more people are free to own their true nature and can hopefully come closer to love and accept themselves as they really are, no matter what age, no matter how long it takes, to finally be free of the lies or half truths, it is freedom.”
Joel Grey is 82 years old and proves that you’re never ever too old to let it be known that you love man nalgas and peen. It’s never too late. And if that last sentence was an action, it’d be a double wink at John Travolta.
No, this isn’t a recent picture of Richard Simmons, but I like to imagine this is how he answered the door for the police officers who came by to check up on him to prove he was A-OK. “Dispatch, this is Officer Brown. I have received visual confirmation that Richard Simmons is still a vivacious elf. Over.”
You should be throwing your arms in the air to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and giving praise to the legwarmer-wearing gods above today, because after many months of wondering about the health and wellness of Richard Simmons, TMZ says that he’s doing alright. That wooshing sound you just heard was a giant sigh of relief from anyone who has ever jumped on one of those tiny trampolines in their basement while watching a VHS copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
According to TMZ, one of Richard’s friends sent an email to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit last month claiming that 66-year-old Richard was being abused by someone who was clearly looking for a one-way ticket to Hell. So on Friday night around 7pm, two LAPD officers paid a visit to Richard’s house to investigate. When the cops showed up, they were greeted by Richard himself, who invited them in to his home, because Richard is a true gentleman and perfect host.
The police officers spent an hour with Richard and reported that he was “articulate, lucid, relaxed” and appreciative of their concern, adding that he couldn’t have been nicer and more gracious. They say Richard explained to them he’s has been hiding out at home because he’s “exhausted” from spending the past 30 years as a public person. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Imagine spending 30 years being Richard Simmons? Even cocaine is like “I don’t know where he finds the energy.”
They also say he’s still walking with a limp because of his bum knee, and that he has a beard now (which I bet makes him look super handsome, like a young Bob Ross). Richard also explained why he hasn’t been to his Beverly Hills fitness studio recently, saying “I’ve got people who run things. I don’t need to be there.” Truth! Richard, you’re rich and old and put in your time; you deserve to sit back and let someone else do the click clack!
Leave it to 2014 to wait until the very last second to push out the greatest and most important news of the year!
The impossible happened this morning. We all thought Joan Collins had already reached the highest point of class, but she went even higher this morning when THE QUEEN finally earned her salary by naming the most glamorous woman of all-time a Dame! Along with John Hurt, Kristin Scott Thomas, Emily Watson and hundreds of others, Joan Collins’ was on THE QUEEN’s annual New Year’s Honours list. BBC News says that Joan was honored for her contribution to the arts and for all the charity work she’s done, but we all know that she was really honored for her contribution to GLAMOUR. If it wasn’t for Alexis Carrington, the meaning of glamour would’ve died a long time ago. This morning, Dame Joan Collins took a little time out from eating her breakfast of diamonds and the souls of her rivals to tweet out this little thank you to her loyal subjects:
Beyond thrilled at the honour of being made a Dame in today's list. Heartfelt thanks 2 all who have sent such lovely messages @foreignoffice
— Joan Collins (@joancollinsobe) December 31, 2014
Joan will be officially honored in a ceremony at a later date. I hope Joan wears this when THE QUEEN honors her:
If THE QUEEN wants what’s really good for England, then during the ceremony, she will pull off her crown, bow down, raise it up to Dame Joan Collins and say, “Just call me regular old Lizzy from now on. You’re THE QUEEN that England needs and deserves!”
Rosario Dawson and hundreds of grown ups dressed in elf costumes were in NYC’s Bryant Park this morning to launch Nescafe’s new line of machines called Dolce Gusto. To promote that shit, the elves will spend the entire day doing good deeds in Manhattan. If you’re in Manhattan today, you need to step away from your computer right now, run outside and try to catch one of those elves so you can give them your rent bill. Let them do that good deed for you. Speaking of good deeds, Page Six says that Rosario has done the ultimate good deed by adopting a 12-year-old girl.
Page Six doesn’t have much info. They only know that she adopted a girl back in October. E! News co-signed Page Six’s story and a source tells them that she’s always wanted to adopt. E! dug up an old quote that Rosario gave to Latina Magazine in 2008.
“I always wanted to adopt kids ’cause my Dad adopted me. That idea has stayed in the back of my head, but lately, I’ve been thinking about it more. My mother and grandmother are extraordinary women, and they’re getting older. It struck me recently that one day I might be sitting around with my children, going ‘Your grandma was an amazing woman; I really wish you could’ve known her.’ That makes me sad ’cause it would be a waste to not have these people know each other. Whatever time I have, I want it.
My dad started dating my mom when she was eight months pregnant with me. He was beautiful. I wanted to be him. I love my father, he is amazing to me. I was daddy’s little girl growing up.”
Rosario is single now. She bumped parts with Danny Boyle for a while before breaking up last year.
Rosario Dawson should get sainthood for adopting a kid right before she enters her teenage years. Rosario is happy and smiley now, but check in with her next year. She’ll be totally bald from pulling all of her hair out. No, maybe it was just me who was a total monster at 13. A little while ago my mom was in a bad way after having surgery, and when I told her how worried I was, she said, “I survived your 13th year of life, so I can survive anything.” No truer words… No truer words…
Happy Christmas morning to all of the gay gold diggers! This morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook, whose net worth is reportedly $400 million, became every gay gold digger’s dream man when he publicly came out for his love of peen in a thoughtful and important essay for Bloomberg Businessweek. Tim hasn’t exactly been playing mahjong with John Travolta in the back room of the closet. Tim has been openly out to his family, friends and colleagues. If you asked Siri “Is Tim Cook gay?” she’d tell you to check the Apple site, which translates into “Duh, bitch!” Today is the first time he told the world, “iGay!” Tim starts off his coming out essay by saying that he’s tried to keep his private life private, because he wants all of the focus to be on the overpriced products that mysteriously start breaking right before the new version comes out. Tim says that he decided to come out and talk about his personal life, because maybe hearing that the CEO of Apple is gay will help someone who feels alone or inspire others to “insist on their equality.” After the cut are a few pieces of what Tim wrote. You can read the whole thing here.
Agent Dale Cooper and I have the exact same bewildered look on our faces; surely this is all just a backwards-talking dream and Twin Peaks isn’t actually coming back to television. That would never happen! I bet The Man from Another Place and that shady bitch the Log Lady are behind this fuckery.
But no, this isn’t a dream! Earlier today, Twin Peaks creators David Lynch and Mark Frost confirmed on Twitter that Twin Peaks, the batshit crazy pie-flavored fever dream that aired for two seasons on ABC from 1990 to 1991, is coming back! THIS IS DAMN FINE NEWS! According to Deadline, Showtime will air a third nine-episode season of Twin Peaks sometime in 2016, 25 years after it first premiered. The third season will be written and produced by Lynch and Frost, and all nine episodes will be directed by David Lynch. And there’s also a rumor that ageless super-hottie Kyle MacLachlan will return as FBI agent Dale Cooper. Excuse me while I find an all-red room and do the reverse wall-slide of joy.
The New Twin Peaks (I hope they keep that name) will be set in present-day and will sort of pick up where the last one left off, aka INSANE TOWN. Lynch and Frost hope to wrap up any loose ends that were left at the end of the second season and the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. But I don’t really care what they do! They can spend all nine episodes having Dale Cooper teach the teenage ghost of Laura Palmer how to drive or dedicate a whole episode to Nadine Hurley buying a new eye-patch. All that matters is that they find a way to bring back the true star of Twin Peaks, Lara Flynn Boyle! Twin Peaks is nothing without that exquisite collagen-plumped peony blossom!