No, this isn’t a recent picture of Richard Simmons, but I like to imagine this is how he answered the door for the police officers who came by to check up on him to prove he was A-OK. “Dispatch, this is Officer Brown. I have received visual confirmation that Richard Simmons is still a vivacious elf. Over.”
You should be throwing your arms in the air to Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” and giving praise to the legwarmer-wearing gods above today, because after many months of wondering about the health and wellness of Richard Simmons, TMZ says that he’s doing alright. That wooshing sound you just heard was a giant sigh of relief from anyone who has ever jumped on one of those tiny trampolines in their basement while watching a VHS copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
According to TMZ, one of Richard’s friends sent an email to the L.A. County District Attorney’s Elder Abuse Unit last month claiming that 66-year-old Richard was being abused by someone who was clearly looking for a one-way ticket to Hell. So on Friday night around 7pm, two LAPD officers paid a visit to Richard’s house to investigate. When the cops showed up, they were greeted by Richard himself, who invited them in to his home, because Richard is a true gentleman and perfect host.
The police officers spent an hour with Richard and reported that he was “articulate, lucid, relaxed” and appreciative of their concern, adding that he couldn’t have been nicer and more gracious. They say Richard explained to them he’s has been hiding out at home because he’s “exhausted” from spending the past 30 years as a public person. That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Imagine spending 30 years being Richard Simmons? Even cocaine is like “I don’t know where he finds the energy.”
They also say he’s still walking with a limp because of his bum knee, and that he has a beard now (which I bet makes him look super handsome, like a young Bob Ross). Richard also explained why he hasn’t been to his Beverly Hills fitness studio recently, saying “I’ve got people who run things. I don’t need to be there.” Truth! Richard, you’re rich and old and put in your time; you deserve to sit back and let someone else do the click clack!
Leave it to 2014 to wait until the very last second to push out the greatest and most important news of the year!
The impossible happened this morning. We all thought Joan Collins had already reached the highest point of class, but she went even higher this morning when THE QUEEN finally earned her salary by naming the most glamorous woman of all-time a Dame! Along with John Hurt, Kristin Scott Thomas, Emily Watson and hundreds of others, Joan Collins’ was on THE QUEEN’s annual New Year’s Honours list. BBC News says that Joan was honored for her contribution to the arts and for all the charity work she’s done, but we all know that she was really honored for her contribution to GLAMOUR. If it wasn’t for Alexis Carrington, the meaning of glamour would’ve died a long time ago. This morning, Dame Joan Collins took a little time out from eating her breakfast of diamonds and the souls of her rivals to tweet out this little thank you to her loyal subjects:
Beyond thrilled at the honour of being made a Dame in today's list. Heartfelt thanks 2 all who have sent such lovely messages @foreignoffice
— Joan Collins (@joancollinsobe) December 31, 2014
Joan will be officially honored in a ceremony at a later date. I hope Joan wears this when THE QUEEN honors her:
If THE QUEEN wants what’s really good for England, then during the ceremony, she will pull off her crown, bow down, raise it up to Dame Joan Collins and say, “Just call me regular old Lizzy from now on. You’re THE QUEEN that England needs and deserves!”
Rosario Dawson and hundreds of grown ups dressed in elf costumes were in NYC’s Bryant Park this morning to launch Nescafe’s new line of machines called Dolce Gusto. To promote that shit, the elves will spend the entire day doing good deeds in Manhattan. If you’re in Manhattan today, you need to step away from your computer right now, run outside and try to catch one of those elves so you can give them your rent bill. Let them do that good deed for you. Speaking of good deeds, Page Six says that Rosario has done the ultimate good deed by adopting a 12-year-old girl.
Page Six doesn’t have much info. They only know that she adopted a girl back in October. E! News co-signed Page Six’s story and a source tells them that she’s always wanted to adopt. E! dug up an old quote that Rosario gave to Latina Magazine in 2008.
“I always wanted to adopt kids ’cause my Dad adopted me. That idea has stayed in the back of my head, but lately, I’ve been thinking about it more. My mother and grandmother are extraordinary women, and they’re getting older. It struck me recently that one day I might be sitting around with my children, going ‘Your grandma was an amazing woman; I really wish you could’ve known her.’ That makes me sad ’cause it would be a waste to not have these people know each other. Whatever time I have, I want it.
My dad started dating my mom when she was eight months pregnant with me. He was beautiful. I wanted to be him. I love my father, he is amazing to me. I was daddy’s little girl growing up.”
Rosario is single now. She bumped parts with Danny Boyle for a while before breaking up last year.
Rosario Dawson should get sainthood for adopting a kid right before she enters her teenage years. Rosario is happy and smiley now, but check in with her next year. She’ll be totally bald from pulling all of her hair out. No, maybe it was just me who was a total monster at 13. A little while ago my mom was in a bad way after having surgery, and when I told her how worried I was, she said, “I survived your 13th year of life, so I can survive anything.” No truer words… No truer words…
Happy Christmas morning to all of the gay gold diggers! This morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook, whose net worth is reportedly $400 million, became every gay gold digger’s dream man when he publicly came out for his love of peen in a thoughtful and important essay for Bloomberg Businessweek. Tim hasn’t exactly been playing mahjong with John Travolta in the back room of the closet. Tim has been openly out to his family, friends and colleagues. If you asked Siri “Is Tim Cook gay?” she’d tell you to check the Apple site, which translates into “Duh, bitch!” Today is the first time he told the world, “iGay!” Tim starts off his coming out essay by saying that he’s tried to keep his private life private, because he wants all of the focus to be on the overpriced products that mysteriously start breaking right before the new version comes out. Tim says that he decided to come out and talk about his personal life, because maybe hearing that the CEO of Apple is gay will help someone who feels alone or inspire others to “insist on their equality.” After the cut are a few pieces of what Tim wrote. You can read the whole thing here.
Agent Dale Cooper and I have the exact same bewildered look on our faces; surely this is all just a backwards-talking dream and Twin Peaks isn’t actually coming back to television. That would never happen! I bet The Man from Another Place and that shady bitch the Log Lady are behind this fuckery.
But no, this isn’t a dream! Earlier today, Twin Peaks creators David Lynch and Mark Frost confirmed on Twitter that Twin Peaks, the batshit crazy pie-flavored fever dream that aired for two seasons on ABC from 1990 to 1991, is coming back! THIS IS DAMN FINE NEWS! According to Deadline, Showtime will air a third nine-episode season of Twin Peaks sometime in 2016, 25 years after it first premiered. The third season will be written and produced by Lynch and Frost, and all nine episodes will be directed by David Lynch. And there’s also a rumor that ageless super-hottie Kyle MacLachlan will return as FBI agent Dale Cooper. Excuse me while I find an all-red room and do the reverse wall-slide of joy.
The New Twin Peaks (I hope they keep that name) will be set in present-day and will sort of pick up where the last one left off, aka INSANE TOWN. Lynch and Frost hope to wrap up any loose ends that were left at the end of the second season and the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. But I don’t really care what they do! They can spend all nine episodes having Dale Cooper teach the teenage ghost of Laura Palmer how to drive or dedicate a whole episode to Nadine Hurley buying a new eye-patch. All that matters is that they find a way to bring back the true star of Twin Peaks, Lara Flynn Boyle! Twin Peaks is nothing without that exquisite collagen-plumped peony blossom!
I bet David Faustino is sending her a text message that says “Sorry Chicken Legs, invite only!” NO! That’s more of an Al Bundy thing to do. David’s probably just checking to see if “I Told Ya” has hit 100,000 views on YouTube yet (so close!)
Mark this day in your calendars. For the first time in recent history, an actual legitimate STAR was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Katey Sagal (aka Gemma from Sons of Anarchy, aka Leela from Futurama, aka LIFE INSPIRATION PEGGY BUNDY) was honored for her contributions to refined stay-at-home lot lizard couture and exquisite red-headed glamour. Sadly she didn’t waddle out in cheetah-print spandex ass-wrap with her tits out, but she did bring the cast of Married…with Children back together for a mini-reunion to celebrate. Katey was joined on the red carpet by Christina Applegate, Ed O’Neill, and Grandmaster B. Unfortunately, it was a huge waste of time, because you can’t have a Married…with Children reunion without Marcy D’Arcy! Maybe they were afraid she’d show up wearing something super hot and steal the spotlight.
And the YOU HAD ONE JOB award goes to the person responsible for denying Christina the opportunity to introduce Katey’s Walk of Fame star as if it was the neeeeeeew Allanté . She is a model! You had one job! I’m sure she still has the dress! First we’re denied Marcy D’Arcy, then a Bundy Bounce? RUDE!
Here’s more of the bizarro bougie version of Peggy, Al, Kelly, and Bud (in this version, Buck is played by a French Bulldog), as well as Katey with the SOA crew at her Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday in Hollywood:
NBC’s live broadcast of The Sound of Music starring soulless Swiss Miss puppet Carrie Underwood was a mess, but it was a major hit, because America’s favorite pastime is witnessing train wrecks. So a few months ago NBC announced that they’re following up The Sound of Music with Peter Pan Live! And at the Televisions Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills this morning, the head bitch of NBC, Robert Greenblatt, announced that Christopher Walken will sing, dance and throw jazz hands (more like jazz hooks) as Captain Hook! Greenblatt spit this out about it:
“He might really be a song and dance man at heart. He’s fearless as a comedic actor and always comes to play. I guarantee you he’s going to bring his own spin to Captain Hook. He might be the first tap-dancing Captain Hook.”
Robert Greenblatt also said that they’re going to cast a chick as Peter Pan and I guess Cathy Rigby already turned it down, because they asked Kristen Bell, but she can’t do it due to scheduling conflicts. So the search continues until singing trapeze artist Pink finally says, “Okay, fuck it, I’ll do it,” or until NBC wakes the hell up and casts the only hot bitch who should play Peter Pan: Peter Pan Dude!
But back to Christopher Walken…
Peter Pan Live! is going to be disaster (and the flying scenes will probably look like this), but at least it’s going to be a somewhat watchable disaster thanks to Christopher Walken. I hope NBC tweaks with Peter Pan a little bit and includes a scene where Captain Hook, the crocodile and Smee recreate this magical number (starts at around the 1:00 mark):
It seemed like every time Olympic gold medal-winning Australian swimmer and pearl necklace model (too easy) Ian Thorpe would sit down for an interview, the interviewer would start off by asking, “So, Ian, do your nipples get hard when the tip of a hard peen touches your tongue? YES OR NO?” Over the years, Ian has been asked if he’s gay at least ten thousand times and he has denied away every single time. Ian practically won the gold medal in denying. For years, Ian told everyone that he’s a vagina-loving vagina lover who loves nothing more than vagina and he loves vagina so much that when he swims he pictures himself swimming toward a giant vagina. Vagina. Ian wrote in his 2012 memoirs that all the gay questions hurt him and that hos not believing he’s straight was an attack on his character. Well, after years and years doing the backstroke along the river of denial, bitches can stop asking Ian if he puckers for peen, because he’s finally come out.
In an interview with Sir Michael Parkinson on Channel 10, Ian, who was recently in rehab for a booze and bad shit addiction, says that he’s been going through some shit and that he got the sads in a major way while hitting the gay rumors with denials. via The Daily Telegraph
The 31-year-old confirms his sexuality for the first time Sunday in an exclusive interview on Channel 10, telling all to veteran British interviewer Sir Michael Parkinson.
It’s understood the interview, which Parkinson has described as one of the best he has ever conducted, includes a full admission from Thorpe that he is gay despite having dated women in the past.
The Sunday Telegraph says: A momentous and deeply brave act
In the emotional sit-down shot last month, Thorpe also details the years of depression he has battled while denying his sexuality from the world. Part of that concealment included his own autobiography This Is Me, published in 2012, in which Thorpe wrote that he found questions about his sexuality hurtful.
Better late than never and I’d like to think Ian planned it so that the news of him coming out came out on International Gay Day (aka Richard Simmons’ birthday)! Let’s hope the International Gay Day gifts keep coming and by that I mean let’s hope John Travola finally twirls out of the closet that hasn’t had a door on it since the 90s. Anyway, congratulations, Thorpedo, and Happy Richard Simmons’ Birthday!
Amy Adams was about to get on a flight from Detroit, where she’s filming that Batman vs. Superman mess, to LAX yesterday when she noticed a US solider at the gate, and being the nice, genuine, gold-hearted daughter of a military man that she is, she asked to have their seats switched. Amy was in first class and the soldier was in coach. And now everyone’s going to start carrying a solider uniform in their carry-on bag just in case Amy Adams is on their flight and they want to experience the free champagne, warm cookies, complimentary anal massage and all the other luxuries of first class. ESPN2′s Jemele Hill told ABC News that Amy didn’t make a big show of it and she talked to the soldier for a little bit before taking herself to the smushed sardines section of the plane. Jemele said this to ABC News:
“I noticed Ms. Adams was in first class and as I was getting seated, I saw the flight attendant guide the soldier to Ms. Adams’ seat. She was no longer in it, but it was pretty clear that she’d given up her seat for him. I was incredibly impressed, and I’m not even sure if the soldier knew who gave him that seat. I guess he will now! Ms. Adams did it so quietly and quickly that it speaks to her character. And somebody in coach just got a helluva seatmate!”
Doesn’t Amy know that it’s June and NOT January? Harvey Weinstein is going to call her up and scream new holes into her ears for this fuck-up. Amy’s out there doing good deeds and her Oscar-bait movie isn’t even close to being out yet. This is not how it’s supposed to happen. Once Amy is officially nominated for that Big Eyes movie, then she can give her first class seat to a US soldier and then the media will magically hear about it, find him and he’ll do the interview circuit where he’ll say that Amy is the kindest, most greatest American who ever lived. Then that soldier will be Amy’s date to the Oscars and when she wins, she’ll bring him onstage and the moment will make viral history. That’s how Harvey Weinstein saw it happening in his head and now Amy has ruined it. “You better save a toddler from a burning building, but do it in JANUARY” is what Harvey’s going to scream at Amy. Jennifer Lawrence would never!
Last year, Radar played with my emotions and made it hard for me to ever trust them AGAIN when they wrongly reported that the crown jewel of the Jackson dynasty married her not-so-secret boyfriend/Louis Vuitton purse holder (Side note: There’s no way that Louis Vuitton bag is his, he seems like a Balenciaga bitch to me) Jeffre Phillips. It turned out to be a lie. Detective La Toya was not a Christmas time bride. But 6 months later, true love has shown that it still has some life in it, because La Toya is really engaged this time.
La Toya tells People that during a romantic dinner in Hawaii with her “best friend” and business partner Jeffre, he dropped to one knee in front of her and she surprisingly didn’t pass out from being so close to his exquisitely crafted eyebrows. Jeffre gave La Toya a 17.5 carat diamond ring and it’s just as demure, understated and modest as she is. Behold!
Jeffre reminds me of an elder Derek J and he’s just a honey glazed ham of fabulousness, so he probably poots out diamonds that big and gorgeous on a daily basis. La Toya told People that Jeffre designed the ring himself and he knows what she likes. La Toya definitely chose the right piece to be her next husband. You should always marry a man who keeps three tweezers, two tiny scissors and 4 different brow pencil shades on him at all times, because if you ever have a MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow emergency, he’ll immediately fix you up and bring back the beauty to your face.
Condragulations to Detective La Toya and Jeffre!