There’s approximately 400 million pics, selfies and videos of Kim Kartrashian’s alien trout mannequin face and other parts that people can get for free on the Internet, so it’s absolutely shocking that everybody didn’t buy a stupid book filled with some of those pictures. I guess that old saying your memaw used to say, “Why buy the cow when you can see it greased up and sprawled out on the Internet for free,” applies to this story.
A rep for Nielsen Bookscan tells Radar that since May, Kim Kartrashian’s “Selfish” has sold a grand total of 32,000 copies. And all 32,000 of those copies are probably sitting in Pimp Mama Kris’ dungeon right next to all 13,000 copies of the Jenner girls’ sci-fi YA novel she bought. Kim has over 41 million Instagram followers and as Radar points out, not even 1% of them bought the book of selfies that should be re-titled “Shelved Fish.”
That represents just 0.8% of Kardashian’s Instagram fans. (*Nielsen BookScan’s U.S. Consumer Market Panel currently covers approximately 85% of the print book market and continues to grow.)
What’s more, the book is a critical flop online. Sitting at 1,607 in books, it’s ranked only 2.5 stars after 661 customer reviews. And those reviews have been scathing.
It’s a damn shame that the millions of fake followers that Kim probably bought aren’t real people with real credit cards who could’ve bought a copy of her book. There needs to be an app for that. But you know, PMK can really turn this around and sell every single copy of that book. All she has to do is re-market it as a pack of designer wee wee pads for puppies. Ray J approved! It’d become a best seller and it’d fly off of the shelves of every Petco!
Here’s Kim at LAX looking as comfortable as ever while wearing extremely wearable maternity clothes by Kanye.
There’s been so much shitty and depressing news around here that we really needed some uplifting news that will give us hope for our future, and leave it to CoCo and Ice-T to give us that. The undisputed Empress of the Camel Toe has announced that growing in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb is the heir to her and Ice-T’s kingdom of demure elegance. 36-year-old CoCo is pregnant with the baby she made with her 57-year-old husband of 14 years Ice-T. This will be CoCo’s first child and Ice-T already has two grown kids and a 20-year-old grandson (who is currently facing manslaughter charges). It is a good day when we find out that CoCo will teach another human her ways.
While taping her new talk show with Ice-T on Friday, CoCo told the audience that in a few months, her crown jewel of a vagina will release a bundle of preciousness that is more valuable than the cloud of diamond dust she usually queefs out. For those of us who weren’t lucky enough to be at her show’s taping on Friday, CoCo tweeted the news this morning while pushing the premiere date of her new show.
I'm pregnant!!! Yah!! Ice & I are so excited! I announced it Friday on our new talkshow which airs Aug 3rd. pic.twitter.com/CYVHKD5yud
— Coco (@cocosworld) July 27, 2015
With this pregnancy, CoCo is going to clench her title as the undisputed camel toe champion. When she steps out in maternity Spandex leggings, her crotch is going to look like an entire nail salon for camels. CoCo’s pregnant camel toe is going to shut down all camel toes.
And as for the baby’s name…..
Since CoCo and Ice-T both have names that can be found on a Starbucks menu, I’m hoping that they name their little baby friend Chai Latte T.
Thank Jeebus! I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mr. Burns or Otto or Stupid Sexy Flanders just yet. Two months after he declared he was done-diddly-un with The Simpsons, Entertainment Weekly says Harry Shearer has changed his mind and has agreed to return for the 27th season.
Harry Shearer originally decided to walk away from The Simpsons and a $14 million 2-year contract because he wanted the freedom to do other work and didn’t like his cut of the merchandising dollars, but something must have changed during negotiations. My guess was that FOX threatened to release the hounds or the robotic Richard Simmons, but it sounds like it came down to money. EW says that Harry Shearer has signed the exact same contract as everyone else, which means he’s locked in for the next four years and will make more than $300,000 per episode. Each season usually has about 22 episodes, which means Harry Shearer is looking at more than $26.4 million. I hope the first word out of his mouth when he looked at that number was a Mr. Burns-style “Excellent.”
No word on whether or not he’ll see any merchandising money, but I’m sure he could always ask Fat Tony to shake down the folks at Butterfinger for a couple bucks if he really wants them.
A four year contract means a ton of money, but it also means everyone has to stick around if the writers hit the 600 episode mark and really start to run out of ideas. At least they can crawl into a giant pile of dollars in the event they sit down for a table read and see the words “The Simpsons Do…Something. Go to Mars? Buy a kangaroo? IDK” written on the top of the script.
InTouch Weekly is still doing God’s work by continuing with their mission to expose the Duggars, and in this week’s issue they claim that the only molestation victim who isn’t related to Josh Duggar is planning to hit him with a lawsuit. If TLC doesn’t cancel 19 Kids and Counting, expect them to change the name of the show to 18 Kids and Counting, because Jim Bob Duggar is going to sell one of his daughters to pay his beloved son’s settlement fee.
Josh Duggar child touched 5 girls, that we know of, when he was a teenager and 4 of his victims were his sisters. The other victim was a babysitter. Jessa and Jill Duggar came out as two of Josh’s victims during their interview with Fox News. Jessa and Jill said during the interview that all of Josh’s victims have forgiven him including the babysitter. Well, someone is committing the unholy sin of lie-telling, because InTouch claims that Josh’s non-related victim hasn’t forgiven him and is planning to sue him.
InTouch says that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar may be forced to give depositions and they’ll have to answer every single question they’re asked. They can’t try to get out of answering questions by playing the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination, because the criminal statue-of-limitations expired already. Lawyer types tell InTouch that even though Josh can’t ever be charged for the sick shit he did, his victim can still sue him:
Legal experts tell In Touch the victim still has the right to sue under Arkansas Code Annotated Section 16-56-130, which allows for a civil action when a sexual abuse victim start to experience the effects of the abuse years later.
Oh how I hope this doesn’t settle and oh how I hope that Jim Bob and Michelle’s testimonies are televised live. Make this happen for us, Jesus! Because I really want to see Michelle cross her fingers before she swears not to lie while putting her other hand on the Bible. Actually, Michelle will be one step ahead of them. She’ll bring her own Bible to swear on. You know, the Duggar version of the Bible that says “Thou shalt not lie unless one of your son’s molestation victims is suing him and you don’t want to lose all your money.”
Seen above looking like a morph of Kim Gordon and Robin Wright, Cate Blanchett talked to Variety about her new movie Carol, which premieres at Cannes this week. Carol is an old-timey lesbian love story about a married woman (played by Cate) who falls in love with a younger department store salesgirl (played by goth alien Rooney Mara) in 1950s NYC. Variety’s piece is mostly about how Carol was a million years in the making and several directors dropped out before Todd Haynes took the job. Carol is based on the ESCANDALO (at the time) 1952 novel The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith who used a pseudonym, because she didn’t want to deal with the public coming at her.
Cate talks a little a bit about herself in Variety’s article about Carol. She won’t ever read the headline “Cate Blanchett May Have Bumped ‘Ginas With Another Lady Before,” because she doesn’t Google herself. She mostly likes to stay private, she says. But when she was asked if it’s her first time being a gayelle, she dropped a little coy nugget:
When asked if this is her first turn as a lesbian, Blanchett curls her lips into a smile. “On film — or in real life?” she asks coyly. Pressed for details about whether she’s had past relationships with women, she responds: “Yes. Many times,” but doesn’t elaborate. Like Carol, who never “comes out” as a lesbian, Blanchett doesn’t necessarily rely on labels for sexual orientation. “I never thought about it,” she says of how she envisioned the character. “I don’t think Carol thought about it.” The actress studied the era by picking up banned erotic novels. “I read a lot of girl-on-girl books from the period,” she says.
Some took that to mean that Cate Blanchett has come out as bisexual and loves peen AND poon. But I don’t know, she was kind of vague. What does she mean by “relationships” and what does she mean by “many“? Many could be anything. To that slut-shamer extraordinaire Jeremy Renner, “many” is like 4. To me, “many” is like “I haven’t learned how to count that high yet.” What I’m asking is, on the odometer on Cate Blanchett’s vagine, how many of those miles came from coochie bumpin’? I need to know the answer and I’ll never know the answer, because Cate Blanchett will never read that question since she doesn’t Google herself. DAMMIT!
This Is Going To End Well For All Of Us: E.L. James’ Husband Is Writing The Script For Fifty Shades Darker
Somewhere in the basement at Universal Studios is a red room where E.L. James ties down the executives and as she flogs their nalgas, electrocutes their nipples and squeeze their nuts while wearing a spiked rubber glove, she whispers dirty, disgusting shit in their ears like, “You WILL hire my husband to write the next Fifty Shades movie. Say, ‘Yes, mistress.’” E.L. James has made Universal her slave bitch. E.L. James already got director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel to jump from that shit ship by demanding more creative control and now she’s getting it.
E.L. James supposedly wanted to write the script for the Fifty Shades sequel Fifty Shades Darker herself, but Universal hasn’t completely gone crazy, so they’re not letting her do that. But Universal has agreed to let her husband, author Niall Leonard, write the screenplay, which means she’s probably going to write that shit. Niall has written for several British TV shows and is the author of the Crusher series of books. The Hollywood Reporter says that Niall did some work on the screenplay for Fifty Shades of Grey but didn’t get any credit. Fifty Shades producer Michael De Luca spit up this generic statement to THR:
“Niall is an outstanding writer in his own right, with multiple established credits, and we are lucky to have him join Team Fifty.”
I still haven’t watched Fifty Squirts of Brown, because everybody I know who has seen it has told me that it’s not the campy shit nugget of a masterpiece I was hoping for. But it looks like Fifty Shades Darker is going to deliver what Fifty Shades of Grey failed to. We all know what’s going to happen next. E.L. James will be announced as director of this turd and then she’ll be announced as production designer, costume designer, soundtrack supervisor, sex choreographer, etc…. etc… Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson will eventually check out of that train wreck and E.L. James and Niall Leonard will be announced as their replacements! Please do this, Universal. Please let Fifty Shades Darker be the cinematic dingle it was meant to be.
And here’s some riveting pictures of Dakota with an inanimate object that has more personality than her on the set of How To Be Single in NYC the other day.
Paramedics are going to busy today, because some old ladies are going to get two of the biggest shocks of their lives when they find out that their heterosexual sex god in a satin blazer actually likes dick and married his longtime partner.
Hearts Pacemakers will break today. Don’t tell them about John Travolta. They can only handle so much today.
The American journal of pure integrity The National Enquirer was the first to report that 71-year-old Barry Manilow and his 66-year-old business manager/longtime partner in peen Garry Kief became husband and husband at their estate in Palm Springs, CA last April. When I think of a Barry Manilow wedding, my head fills with glitter, because I think of groomsmen in sequined Copacabana outfits, a beautiful altar flanked with neon palm trees, mermaids doing a synchronized dance of love in the pool and guests gasping at the sight of Barry’s stunning wedding day wig. Basically, I picture an understated, casual day at Liberace’s house. But according to the source I have it all wrong, because the ‘arry’s wedding was intimate and low-key.
The source says that 50 of Barry and Garry’s friends and family were invited, but they weren’t told that a wedding was happening. They all believed they were coming over for a lunch. Barry’s assistant Marc Hulett officiated the ceremony and Suzanne Somers was the best man. The original Clay Aiken was so paranoid about people finding out about the ceremony that he and Garry didn’t even sign any paperwork, so they’re not legally married. Oh, Barry!
“Barry has lived a very secretive life and the wedding was no different! Barry and Garry did not tell friends or family that the occasion was their wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and consummated their lifelong love affair!
Barry is paranoid that his fans would not approve of him being gay, when in reality, many have suspected it for years – and most wouldn’t care. They would be happy for him!”
The people who don’t know that Barry Manilow is gay are the same people who ask me in a serious voice if I have a girlfriend. Their gaydars are the wind up kind and the clockwork motor broke a long ass time ago. Barry and Garry should come out with their love, because the source is right, most Fanilows probably wouldn’t care that he’s gay. In fact, some of them would be relieved. They’ve been saving their vagina for him and after they find out that they really have no chance in hell with him, they’ll run out and get them some dick. Barry would be giving them the gift of dick and that’s a beautiful, beautiful gift.
Here’s Barry’s best man with her man at some event in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
Excuse me, but I need a moment to slip into the kitchen and brew myself an extra-large mug of Throat Coat to deal with the 3rd degree scream damage I sustained from reacting to this news with a decibel-shattering YAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS.
Typically whenever Hollywood announces that they’re going to reboot something (aka ruin it), I can’t roll my eyes fast enough or kick out enough chairs for Hollywood to take a seat, but not this time. Deadline says that Fox has confirmed that they’re bringing The X-Files back for a six-episode event, and that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will return as FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. No word on whether their hot no-nonsense hunk of a boss Skinner will be back, but that’s sort of irrelevant, considering he’s still making appearances in my dreams.
Series creator Chris Carter will also be involved, and he says he considers the time since the The X-Files finale in 2002 and this upcoming 6-epsiode series as a “13-year commercial break.” The X-Files ran for 9 seasons and produced two feature films, one of which was good (sit down, The X-Files: I Want to Believe – I wasn’t talking about you).
I know they haven’t said anything else about casting, but I really hope they bring back Doug Hutchison as Eugene Tooms, if only so they have an excuse to write a part for his gorgeous living x-file of a wife Courtney Stodden.
Nearly 33 years – THIRTY-THREE YEARS, by the way – after the release of one of the sexiest sci-fi movies every made (just me? Okay then), Variety is confirming that a sequel to Blade Runner is happening and it will star sexy salt and pepper pep-pep Harrison Ford. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you finish screaming “Hollywood has OFFICIALLY run out of ideas.”
Ridley Scott won’t be back to direct Blade Runner 2: Electric Replicant Boogaloo, so he’ll be replaced with French-Canadian director Denis Villeneuve. The script has been written by one of the original screenwriters, and Harrison Ford claims it’s “the best thing (he’s) ever read.” Sure, Jan; that’s what everybody says when there’s a giant dump truck full of cash backing into their driveway. NO! I’m sure it will be as good as the original. Plus, bringing back Harrison Ford back will finally answer the question of whether or not Deckard was a human or a replicant, because I don’t remember any scenes from Blade Runner featuring any old-looking replicants complaining about their hip joints or high cholesterol.
Normally a sequel getting the green light 33 years after the original would be the definition of a disaster, but this movie is going to be great for two reasons:
1. If Harrison Ford agreed to do a late-in-life version of Indiana Jones, a late-in-life version of Han Solo, and now a late-in-life version of Rick Deckard, then that means there’s a very good chance he might also agree to do a late-in-life version of Jack Trainer in a sequel to Working Girl. Somebody PLEASE get working on that.
2. THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SEAN YOUNG! Sean Young better be in the Blade Runner sequel. After all, Harrison Ford said the script was the best thing he’s ever read, and he definitely wouldn’t have said that if it didn’t include a hue part for that A-list ball of crackpot crazy.
Never mind his shifty chihuahua Miguelito throwing us a look like, “I know, he’s acting like this is new information.”
Oscar and Tony-winning treasure and the original Emcee from Cabaret Joel Grey (born name: Joel David Katz) tells People that labels aren’t for him, but if he had to do that he’d label himself as a gay man. Joel was married to actress Jo Wilder from 1958 to 1982 and they made two kids together, James Katz and Baby Houseman (aka Jennifer Grey). Joel says that he’s always gotten the tingles for chicks and dudes, but it took him a while to be honest with himself about his love of guys. Joel says that he’s been out to his family and friends for years, but he has never publicly said that yes, he is a friend of Dorothy’s daughter, but he’s also a friend of Dorothy as well. (Side note: While doing research for this post, as a serious journalist does,, I learned this hilarious and crazy fact about “the friend of Dororthy” phrase.) As the gay community sings “willkommen, bienvenue” to Joel, he said this to People:
“I don’t like labels, but if you have to put a label on it, I’m a gay man. All the people close to me have known for years who I am. Yet] it took time to embrace that other part of who I always was.”
Baby Houseman also said some words to People about her father coming out at this point in his life:
“I feel very happy for my dad that he has come to a point in his life where he feels safe and comfortable enough to declare himself in a public way as a gay man. Mostly because the more people are free to own their true nature and can hopefully come closer to love and accept themselves as they really are, no matter what age, no matter how long it takes, to finally be free of the lies or half truths, it is freedom.”
Joel Grey is 82 years old and proves that you’re never ever too old to let it be known that you love man nalgas and peen. It’s never too late. And if that last sentence was an action, it’d be a double wink at John Travolta.