Okay, yeah, sure we all knew that Ellen Page scissored until her crotch pubes burnt off and you’re probably looking at me like, “Tell me something about Juno, I don’t know, bitch,” but she officially came out at the HRC’s Time to THRIVE conference in Las Vegas tonight. Ellen announced in front of everyone that yeah, she likes cooch, and I think I squirted out a dry tear while reading her coming out speech:
“I’m here today because I am gay. And because maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. It’s weird because here I am, an actress, representing — at least in some sense — an industry that places crushing standards on all of us. Not just young people, but everyone. Standards of beauty. Of a good life. Of success. Standards that, I hate to admit, have affected me.
You have ideas planted in your head, thoughts you never had before, that tell you how you have to act, how you have to dress and who you have to be. I have been trying to push back, to be authentic, to follow my heart, but it can be hard.”
A few seconds after, official President of the Gayelle Union, Rojo Calience, ran up with a welcome basket full of Home Depot gift cards, wooden ducks and flannel shirts. Happy Valentine’s Day to us all! Let’s all celebrate Ellen Page’s coming out by eating some cooch! You go first.
UPDATE: And here’s the video of Juno’s speech, which made the mound of ten-week-old burnt up barbecue charcoal in my chest actually feel something.
If Ellen’s hockey watching partner ASkars should feel the need to say something about this good news, can he please attach a new topless hi-res picture of himself to his statement? Because the AskarsNipples folder on my desktop really needs an update.
Pic via Lance Bass’ Instagram
Shitty news for those of you who really wanted to see a crackhead turn George Zimmerman into his own personal Kim Kardashian by pissing all over that ho’s fat face, it’s not going to happen. (But now that Kim Kardashian knows that face pissing is involved, she’ll probably sign up for the next match.) DMX was supposed to get into a boxing ring and fight George Zimmerman in a “celebrity” boxing match, because the world is fucked and whores still love watching two fuck-brained pieces of trash fist each other in the face. But the organizer of that trash extravaganza tweeted today that the match has been canceled, because a strange thing happened to his ass that’s never happened before: he grew a sliver of a conscious. Or maybe he finally looked up who George Zimmerman is and realized that there was no room in the budget for a metal detector. Damon Feldman, the organizer of that Stand Your Ground vs. Get It On The Floor shit show, tweeted (and later deleted) this boo hoo bitch statement:
The George Zimmerman fight is canceled I’m sorry for anyone I hurt with this but this was a very big opportunity thank you
I want to thank everyone for the good n bad comments I’ve made the choice to cancel the fight w George Zimmermann more to life then money
It was my decision to cancel the george zimmerman fight it was worth a lot of money to me but people’s feelings meant more to me
I walked away from av million dollar payday with this fight but to be honest I’d rather be happy and make people happy thank you
Since no weapons were going to be allowed (I’m guessing), that fight was going to be a huge mess anyway. DMX is 43 years old and the bad shit has fucked with his body. And George Zimmerman is George Zimmerman, so it would’ve been just the two of them huffing and sweating and hugging on each other and sweating some more and calling for a time out every 5 seconds. It would’ve been like watching KFed and Victoria Prince fuck. And if anybody deserves to get hit it’s Damon Feldman for calling a nobody whose claim to fame is killing a teenager a “celebrity.”
Bad news for the zero of you dirty whores who really wanted to spread your chocha for Ed Hardy’s failed wingman Jon Gosselin and let him fuck a baby into you so you can spend the next 18 years chasing him through the woods for a child support check, it’s not going to happen. But good news for all of us, Jon Gosselin is done spawning! While whoring out that Couples Therapy show on Wendy Williams (via People), Jon let it be known that he and his girlfriend Liz Jannetta will never have kids together, because they both turned off their baby making parts. As family court judges threw their legs up in the air and squirted out streams of YES, Jon kept it blunt and simple:
“We can’t have more kids. Yeah, I’m fixed and Liz is fixed.”
Yeah, I know we should all be celebrating in the streets over this news, but I’m pretty sure Jon Gosselin got “fixed” a long ass time ago. When Kate Gosselin sunk her viper teeth into his nutsack and pulled that shit out by the root, she probably Vasectomy’d his ass in the process.
For those of us who keep up with the adventures of Robin Roberts’ personal life, the news that she’s a gayelle and has had the same girlfriend for centuries is about as surprising and new as the news that John Travolta’s Scientolohole loves to eat massage therapist dick. But Robin officially twirled out of the glass closet yesterday when she mentioned her partner of 10 years, Amber Laign, in a Facebook post where she reflected on the year she’s had. Robin returned to Good Morning America earlier this year after she took a leave of absence to have a bone marrow transplant.
Flashback 12/29/12….Hard to believe this was 1 year ago today..when I reached a critical milestone of 100 days post transplant…and KJ was finally allowed to come back home.
Reading this comforts me and I hope the same for you: “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” At this moment I am at peace and filled with joy and gratitude. I am grateful to God, my doctors and nurses for my restored good health. I am grateful for my sister, Sally-Ann, for being my donor and giving me the gift of life. I am grateful for my entire family, my long time girlfriend, Amber, and friends as we prepare to celebrate a glorious new year together. I am grateful for the many prayers and well wishes for my recovery. I return every one of them to you 100 fold.
On this last Sunday of 2013 I encourage you to reflect on what you are grateful for too.
Wishing you a Healthy and Happy New Year.
Peace, love, and blessings to all..XO
Congrats to Robin! The official Queen of all Lesbians, Rojo Caliente, will send her a welcome basket in the mail. And now that Robin Roberts is publicly OUT out, we can grab the baton from her hand, open the closet door and wave it at Queen Latifah.
Mark it on the calendar! Today is the day my heart grew 3 sizes too-big and my faith in humanity has been restored!! Who knew a story about the Kardashians would get me so drunk off jubilant happiness. Wait, what is this salty discharge coming from my eyes? Are these tears? Oh my god, I’m crying tears of happiness. Hashtag Blessed.
We should all be sending a muffin basket to Richard Johnson of Page Six today, because he’s reporting it’s time to take the over-cooked turkey we call the Kardashians out of the oven, because it looks like THEY’RE DONE:
“It’s over. The fatigue factor has really set in,” one magazine publisher told me. “None of the Kardashians, either alone or together, is selling.”
Sources say Jann Wenner paid $110,000 for a heavily retouched photo of Kim Kardashian in a white bikini, which he splashed on the Dec. 23 cover of Us Weekly under the headline, “My Body Is Back.”
But the glossy, which usually sells about a half million a week, sold fewer than 400,000 copies, an insider with access to circulation reports told me.
It’s not just Us Weekly: In Touch, Life & Style, and Star also see a major drop in sales when they put a Kardashian on the kover. The only Kardashian covers to see a spike in sales are I Hate Myself Weekly and Dumpy Famewhores, but those magazines have a limited circulation in the 7th Circle of Hell, so they don’t count.
It turns out our love affair with America’s PrinceAsses wasn’t meant to last as longer than Khole’s spanx (two hours and they’re just destroyed beyond belief) and there are a couple theories why:
“I think it’s because Kanye West is so nasty and aggressive. People don’t like him,” the publisher said. “It’s rubbed off on Kim. It’s rubbed off on the whole family.”
Marc Berman of TV Media Insights had a different explanation for why ratings of E!’s “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and its various spinoffs have sunk.
“It’s simple — overkill,” Berman said. “The Kardashians are everywhere. They never take a break.”
Overkill might be too gentle a word; Kris threw out every bottle of lube and let Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and the Sock One dry fuck us hard with their existence, and only took breaks to do botox shots with Satan.
Here’s more of
a post-workout Hobbit Kim cruising the Shire shopping in Beverly Hills with a friend. Seriously though, looking at the side-profile shot of Kim makes me wonder if Frodo had a trampy girlfriend.
(Pics via Splash)
To promote her new show on Fuse, Big Freedia: Queen of the Bounce, Big Freedia and over 350 people got together in Herald Square in NYC, stuck their asses out and twerked until they beat the Guinness World Record for most people simultaneously twerking at one time. Big Freedia is the New Orleans bounce queen and she’s (call her “she” or “he,” just call her) and started twerking long before Billy Ray Cyrus’ plastic bag and rubber band condom broke and Miley was made, so if anyone should set the record it’s her. Guinness set the rules and didn’t play around with that shit. The rules were:
1. Body must remain upright, with movement concentrated in hips
2. Participants can put hands on knees or hips for support
3. Twerking action cannot comes from knees – hips only
4. Freestyling or additional choreography not permitted – no hands on the ground, feet in the air, twirling, etc.
5. Twerking action must be synchronized, can be at own pace
6. All participants must twerk simultaneously for two minutes when Big Freedia gives the signal
7. Any performers who do not participate fully for the entire two minutes will be deducted from the final total
Here’s Big Freedia showing everyone how twerking is done right:
After they twerked their way to the world record, Big Freedia let everyone know that Miley’s uncooked flatbread ass wasn’t the first ass to twerk, “It would open a lot of doors and set history for bounce music and let the world know that we’ve been twerking for a long time. This is not new at all. Now it’s time to set the record.”
Big Freedia shouldn’t celebrate just yet…. David Miscavige is totally going to dispute that ruling and claim that the world record belongs to Scientology. Because every Saturday night in the Scientology bathhouse, hundreds of male members slather their naked bodies in barley oil, bend over each other, put their hands on their knees and work their hips until all their butt Thetans explode. The world record belongs to them! They’ve been doing that eons.
Radar says that as you’re reading this, the angels are singing while a wrecking ball smashes into the ugly set for Pimp Mama Kris’ Hour of Whoring. Or maybe Universal Studios will buy it from FOX to use in their Addams Family attraction since it’s kind of hard to reproduce creepiness like that.
Pimping out her granddaughter not once, but twice, worked for a second, but it wasn’t enough for FOX to give PMK’s talk show a full season. A source tells Radar that FOX recently told Pimp Mama Kris that the ratings for the Summer test run of her talk show sucked harder than the Kardashian family at-home lipo vacuum and so they aren’t picking up her show.
GOD IS REAL!!!!!!
The source said this:
“There is no chance the talk show is going to get a green light from FOX. The ratings were averaging an abysmal 0.8 and advertisers were less than enthusiastic about it.
Kris did get a ratings bump for her last show when Kanye West revealed the first baby pic of daughter, North West, with Kim, but that was a one time shot in the arm and it wouldn’t be indicative of what the ratings trend would be.”
FOX had a camera on Pimp Mama Kris’ face the moment they told her that her talk show would not be coming back and they plan to sell the footage to psychiatrists who will use it as a visual anti-depressant on their patients. Because nothing will make you feel like a ball of sunshine like seeing a piece of Pimp Mama Kris’ Whore Kingdom come crumbling down.
FOX is going to wait a week or three to announce it and they plan to slip the news out on a Friday afternoon, hoping that nobody will notice. It will be hard not to notice when everyone’s screaming the news from the top of rainbows and skipping down the streets while toasting each other with cups full of Andre.
Don’t worry about Pimp Mama Kris, though. Now she’ll have even more time to come up with new and creative ways to take down Lamar Odom. Speaking of, here’s Lamar at Taco Bell today. I guess Lamar buying Pintos ‘N Cheese means that he traded in his crack pipe for a bong for now.
When I got an email with the subject “Wentworth Miller Comes Out As Gay,” I had to check the date, because the broken down, busted memory box in my brain remembers this as already happening. I thought we already got drunk at his coming out party and already cleaned up the confetti off the floor. But I guess I need to start injecting Gingko directly into my brain, because Wentworth Miller, who was in Prison Break and wrote Stroker, didn’t come out until today. In a letter to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival, Wentworth writes that yup, he likes peen, and because he likes peen, he’s not going to Russia. GLAAD posted the letter:
August 21, 2013
Re: St. Petersburg International Film Festival / “Guest of Honor” Invitation
Dear Ms. Averbakh:
Thank you for your kind invitation. As someone who has enjoyed visiting Russia in the past and can also claim a degree of Russian ancestry, it would make me happy to say yes.
However, as a gay man, I must decline.
I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government. The situation is in no way acceptable, and I cannot in good conscience participate in a celebratory occasion hosted by a country where people like myself are being systematically denied their basic right to live and love openly.
Perhaps, when and if circumstances improve, I’ll be free to make a different choice.
Member, The ManKind Project
Well, at least something good has come out of this whole terrifying Russia mess.
And did you know that Wentworth was 41? While he was coming out as gay, he should’ve also come out as a 41-year-old, because I had no idea about that.
Seen above giving us all a late-summer fever by serving up some “Heat Miser as a Solid Gold Dancer” tease, WWE Superstar Darren Young casually told TMZ that yup, he likes peen, while waiting for his luggage in the baggage area at LAX yesterday. The combination of a gold sequin headband, black thigh highs, muscled-up nipples and tiger print gold luh-may briefs (Side note: I am too lazy to put a fancy accent over the “e” in lame, so I’m just typing it out phonetically….. and I just realized that explaining why I typed it out phonetically is making me use a lot more energy than putting an accent over the “e” would’ve. Nobody has ever accused me of making sense.) is making me pucker already and Darren Young really made me pucker with his casual coming out speech.
TMZ’s cameradude recognized Darren Young at LAX and decided to ask him if the WWE is ready for a successful openly gay superstar and he answered the question by saying:
“Absolutely. Look at me. I’m a WWE superstar and to be honest with you, I’ll tell you right now, I’m gay. And I’m happy. I’m very happy. …..Does it matter? Does it matter to you? Does it change what you think about me?
I guess if you want to call it a “coming out,” I don’t really know what to say it is. I’m just letting you know that I’m happy with who I am. I am comfortable with myself.”
The TMZ dude asked Darren what he thinks people’s response will be and he sort of shrugged and said that some will hate it, some will love it, but he’s comfortable with himself and that’s all that matters. Here’s the full video of Darren’s casual coming out:
WWE already issued a statement of support:
On TMZ this morning, WWE Superstar Darren Young revealed to the WWE Universe that he is gay. WWE is proud of Darren Young for being open about his sexuality, and we will continue to support him as a WWE Superstar. Today, in fact, Darren will be participating in one of our Be A STAR anti-bullying rallies in Los Angeles to teach children how to create positive environments for everyone regardless of age, race, religion or sexual orientation.
Yeah, that video looks slightly choreographed and sort of staged, but who cares! The “Yeah, I like dick and?” coming out speeches are my favorite kind of coming out speeches. And now that he’s out, maybe he should change his Twitter bio. Right now it says:
As comfortable in the VIP section as he is in the ring, Darren Young’s life revolves around three things — money, women and wrestling.
He should update it to say:
As comfortable in the VIP section as he is in the ring, Darren Young’s life revolves around three things — money, gold sequin headbands and wrestling.
I know, I wish he was threatening to quit civilization, but baby steps, baby steps…
Seen above with a ScarJo-looking ass trick who’s doing the walk of shame to his car after leaving a club last night, Chris Brown checked himself into a California jail yesterday. The Difficult Brown violated his probation by giving a driver fake insurance information and refusing to give her his drivers license info after he hit her car. The ingrown hair on humanity’s ass lips wasn’t arrested at the scene, so he had until August 6th to turn himself in. Fist Brown turned himself in yesterday and sadly they didn’t put him in a cell with a pack of rabid coyotes. Fist checked in and checked out 45 minutes later.
The Difficult Brown celebrated his 45 minutes in the clink by going to a club and picking up a piece. But I guess he and his piece-of-the-night didn’t hit it off (you pick up the GONG while I exit the stage), because a few hours later he spit out his pacifier and wah wah wah’d out another stream of diarrhea on Twatter. Fist Brown cried about how the media keeps getting at him for consistently being an asshole for the past 4 years.
A mistake? A mistake is Chris Brown’s dad not pulling out when he had the chance. A mistake is not nearly beating RiRi’s face off. But whatever, The Difficult Brown is SO over it that all he does is tweet and moan about how over it he is. That’s totally being over it, Chris Brown. We shouldn’t celebrate the death of The Difficult Brown’s music career just yet, because I’m sure in about five seconds he’ll scream on Twitter about how his H8RZ are his MOTIV8RZ and he’s going to rise like Jesus. “Jesus died so Chris Brown could live!” – Mom Breezy