Just when I was beginning to think that we needed some actual happy news around these dreary parts, RuPaul came through and caused cannons to burp out loads of confetti by announcing that he’s married now!
And two seconds after this picture was taken, Brit Brit Spears tackled Jamie Lynn Spears and covered her with kisses after making her for Chester Cheetah.
Jamie Lynn Spears’ 8-year-old daughter, Maddie Aldridge, has been in the hospital since Sunday after the ATV she was driving fell into a pond. Maddie went underwater and her mom and stepdad weren’t unable to get her out of her seatbelt. It took the paramedics two minutes to show up. They were able to get her out. Jamie Lynn’s condition was listed as stable, but critical. With each new update, the situation was looking more bleak, but today, the Tangipahoa Parish Sheriff’s Department delivered some actual good news (remember what good news was?). They said in a statement given to People that Maddie has woken up and is breathing on her own.
“With her father, mother and stepfather by her side, Maddie regained consciousness mid-day Tuesday, February 7. The 8-year-old daughter of entertainer Jamie Lynn Spears was involved in an ATV accident at a family home Sunday in Kentwood, La. Paramedics resuscitated her and she was airlifted to a local hospital. She is aware of her surroundings and recognizes those family members who have kept a round-the-clock vigil since the accident.
Doctors were able to remove the ventilator today and she is awake and talking. Maddie continues to receive oxygen and is being monitored closely but it appears that she has not suffered any neurological consequences from the accident.”
Shortly after the shitty news about Maddie’s accident came out, Brit Brit asked her fans to pray for her niece. I’m sure Brit Brit herself spent many hours praying in front of her Cheeto Jesus. So everybody should take a quick break from yelling at Jamie Lynn about letting her 8-year-old drive an ATV and praise the power of Cheesus!
I learned that the Grammys were meaningless years ago when they failed to honor the musical artistry of the Spice Girls. How can I take a musical awards show seriously when they don’t give one nomination to the Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Chopin and Vivaldi of our time? (Actually, that’s not a fair comparison. Beethoven and them never produced anything as artistic as “zig-a-zig-ah.“) Apparently, Kanye West and Justin Bieber have figured out that the Grammys are out-of-touch and will not grace the ceremony with their presence next month. Forget about the world crumbling into the gutter right now, the real reason why our cheeks are covered with tears today is because Kanye and The Biebs aren’t going to the Grammys. How will we ever find the strength to go on?
About a month after Will, Grace, Jack, and Karen reunited in a video about the presidential election, NBC started talking about the possibility of bringing them all back for a one-off season consisting of 10 episodes. Entertainment Weekly reports today that NBC made it happen and a Will & Grace revival is coming.
The good news is that People didn’t name the singed ingrown chode hair their Sexiest Man Alive, which is a little surprising since their tongue tips were stuck in his anus hole last week. The better news is that People did give the title to the puppy-saving pillar of pure muscle known as The Rock! “Whatever, you don’t need a publicist to buy you that title, you sexy, sexiest man alive, you,” cooed out The Rock’s nemesis (after a closed sign on a gym, of course) Vin Diesel while looking into and flexing at the bedroom mirror that’s been done up like a People Sexiest Man Alive cover.
This week is only three days old, and already there’s been enough bummer news to make me drink like it’s the weekend. Clearly the Universe heard us all screaming “Okay, call me when the week is done” and decided to take pity on us by giving us some genuinely good news.