The good news is that People didn’t name the singed ingrown chode hair their Sexiest Man Alive, which is a little surprising since their tongue tips were stuck in his anus hole last week. The better news is that People did give the title to the puppy-saving pillar of pure muscle known as The Rock! “Whatever, you don’t need a publicist to buy you that title, you sexy, sexiest man alive, you,” cooed out The Rock’s nemesis (after a closed sign on a gym, of course) Vin Diesel while looking into and flexing at the bedroom mirror that’s been done up like a People Sexiest Man Alive cover.
This week is only three days old, and already there’s been enough bummer news to make me drink like it’s the weekend. Clearly the Universe heard us all screaming “Okay, call me when the week is done” and decided to take pity on us by giving us some genuinely good news.
Last August, Rosie O’Donnell got into a really messy, very public battle with her 17-year-old adopted daughter Chelsea O’Donnell. But Rosie and Chelsea recently reunited, and it looks like things aren’t nearly as shitty between them as they were last year.
Rosie’s relationship breakdown with her daughter was like a soap opera with an unlimited story budget. Chelsea went missing with her therapy dog Bear, and was later found by police hiding at the home of a 25-year-old alleged heroin dealer she met on Tinder. Chelsea didn’t go back home. Instead, she moved in with her biological mother and accused Rosie of smoking weed and ignoring her. Rosie accused Chelsea of being off her meds. We didn’t hear anything about Rosie and Chelsea for a very long time. Then on Monday, TMZ says Rosie was seen with Chelsea and her daughter Vivienne on Fran Drescher’s Cancer Schmancer cabaret boat cruise in New York. As you can see from the picture below, Chelsea – the one on the left with Ariel hair – and Rosie sort of appear to be getting along now. No word on if they’re living together again; at the moment they’re just sitting near each other.
I know taking a picture with someone you used to hate doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t hate them anymore. I’m sure we’ve all thrown on a tight awkward smile and muttered “Just take the picture” through clenched teeth before. But the fact that they were on a boat is kind of a big clue that Rosie and Chelsea might be good. Think about it: would you voluntarily choose to be stuck on a floating barf barge listening to Fran Drescher screeching out “Lullaby of Broadway” with a person you really really hate? No, of course not. The boat is one thing, because booze. But Fran? That’s a choice no one makes lightly.
Prince Hot Ginge once allegedly told a gay dude that he’d give him a call if he “changes his mind about women,” and I remember that quote as though I just read it 2 minutes ago, because I did just read it 2 minutes ago. It’s tattooed over my right nipple so I read it while giving myself a quickie whore bath in the sink this morning. So PHG would obviously be my first choice for the first British royal to grace the cover of a gay magazine. THE QUEEN in Dame Edna drag would be my second choice. Prince William would probably be my 5th choice after the fallen Duchess Fergie in a rainbow flag and all of THE QUEEN’s Corgis, but I’ll gladly take it.
If I I had a working time machine, I’d take it back to 1920s Switzerland to try and get with Hermann Rorshach because he was the kind of hot piece who could make you create an inkblot test in your chonies. Once I escaped after Hermann turned me down and tried to commit me, I’d take my time machine to early 90s Southern California to tell my sad gayby self not to worry, because yeah, one of the greatest shows that ever happened, GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling), is over for now, but it’ll be back in a different form in 26 years thanks to some shit called Netflix. My gayby self would probably look at his grown self’s skinny fat body and tired face and immediately scream for our mom to get him a gym membership and industrial-strength moisturizer STAT.
Deadline brings us news that may make you children of the 80s squirt out a stream of glitter-infused excitement. Jenji Kohan, creator and executive producer of Orange is the New Black, will executive produce a 1980s-era comedy series based on GLOW for Netflix.
Paula Deen just made a mental note to only get $50 bills from the ATM in the future…
Politico says that United States Treasury Secretary Jack Lew will announce that Andrew Jackson (FYI: AJ was the 7th POTUS and not the unknown 6 member of the Jackson 5) is out as the main face of the $20 bill and Harriet Tubman is in. I’m surprised Sofia Vergara isn’t the new face of the $20 bill since that trick is the face of EVERYTHING. Andrew Jackson isn’t totally off of the $20 bill. There’s a good chance his face will be moved to the back of the bill. Ha.