Category: FINALLY
Armie Hammer and Elizabeth Chambers Reached A Settlement In Their Divorce
After the judge learned of the shocking allegations of Armie Hammer‘s (he claimed consensual) dabblements in sexual assault and cannibalism, in a perfect world, Elizabeth Chambers would’ve gotten everything she asked for plus 10% before the ink on her and Armie’s simultaneous divorce filings were dry. But, splitting up Armie’s unpaid AmEx bills and timeshare-selling commission checks must take time because Elizabeth, 40, and Armie, 36, have only just now reached a settlement in their divorce–three years after filing.
Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck FINALLY Purchased A Home
For those that are keeping track, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have gone in and out of and in and out of and in and out of escrow on several mansions over the past two years of their never-ending hunt for the perfect enormous place to stay as far away from each other as possible in to separately recharge their “public façade of everlasting love” batteries. But finally, Ben can turn in his room key for whatever Motel 6 he’s been retreating to after his grueling fake shifts at Dunkin’ because the two have finally found a home that must’ve quelled their fighting! And while we all probably have our skeptical faces on (like Jen’s son Max above) about this one sticking, TMZ says they paid almost $61 million cash-in-full for the home and have already started moving in their stuff.
Jamie Spears Has Finally Agreed To Step Down As Britney’s Conservator (UPDATE: Or Has He?)
UPDATE: Well that celebration lasted for about one second because Jamie Spears’ attorney tells NBC News that he’s not resigning at this time but “is willing to step down when the time is right, but the transition needs to be orderly and include a resolution of matters pending before the Court.” Insert one million OprahSoWhatIsTheTruth.GIFs here.
UPDATE II: The Hollywood Reporter adds that Jamie Spears has agreed to step down in the future but there’s no timeline for when that will happen. It will be discussed at a hearing on September 29.
Here’s the original post:
Any one of my exes will tell you that I deserve the award for Trick Who Can’t Take The Biggest Of Hints for not knowing that I’ve been dumped. But that award belongs to Jamie Spears because for a while now, Britney Spears has blatantly let him know that she wants him around as much as she wants a Frapp with no whip. But Daddy Spears finally got a clue and has resigned as Britney’s co-conservator. To which Britney will probably reply with, “You better work, bitch, no seriously, bitch, you better work because you ain’t getting any more easy money from me!”
Joe Biden And Kamala Harris Have Won!
FUCKING FINALLY! “You’re fired!” – America to trump.
You’re probably reading this from inside of a Russian research vessel with a $200 million necklace in your pocket because we’re all Old Rose from Titanic since we’ve been waiting 84 years for this election to fucking end. It’s been decades since Election Day, and yes 2000-me is looking at 2020-me like, “Calm down, we had to wait until DECEMBER, also you should’ve used more moisturizer, trick!” But the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election has finally been called. Joe Biden is now the President-elect and with Kamala Harris, we will soon have our first woman and person of color Vice President!!! Well, the good news for Trump is that he no longer has to pretend like he doesn’t know how to pronounce Kamala’s name because he can keep it simple and call her Madame Vice President. And that thud you heard wasn’t only from all of the White House silverware falling out of Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric’s coats as they try to smuggle stuff out. It’s also from Election Night Masters, CNN’s John King and MSBNC’s Steve Kornacki, passing out into 4-year comas, which they’ll wake up from on Election Night 2024.
Jennifer Garner May Finally File For Divorce From Ben Affleck
Approximately 462 years ago (or 2, if you want to get technical like that), Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced that they were done with being married each other. Since then, there’s been tabloid story after tabloid story about how he wants her back and how he doesn’t want her back. Jennifer and Ben’s split has been dragged on for so long that following it is like watching The Accountant. It feels like it’s never going to end.
But if UsWeekly is telling the truth, then the end is near. The answer to the question, “What’s in Ben’s wallet?“, will soon be: folded up divorce papers. Sorry, but that damn Capital One commercial plays so many times that it lives in my mind now.
JEEEEEEEAH! The International Scandal Of Our Time Is Finally Over!
Everybody can finally relax and un-clench our ass cheeks, because we’re not going into World War III thanks to Ryan Lochte’s pee. (That rhymed and I’m not proud of it.) Gunnar Bentz and Jack Conger (not pictured), the two swimmers who were never facing an indictment because they never filed a police report, were released by authorities in Rio and are back in the U.S. Their lawyer told NBC News that they had nothing to do with Ryan’s robbery story. Jimmy Feigen (not pictured), who was facing an indictment with Ryan since they filed a police report, agreed to pay a $10,800 donation to a Brazilian charity to resolve the case. He can now leave Brazil. And Ryan Lochte (pictured), the mastermind of it all, has apologized. It is over….until 2020 when Ryan does it all over again in Tokyo.