Category: Film

Spread Dem Legs!

April 20, 2009 / Posted by:

No, these are not stills from I DREAMED A DREAM: The Susan Boyle Story, it’s Meryl Fucking Streep as Julia Child. Hearing Meryl do Julia’s “nipple hair twisting voice” (in a good way) is worth the price of admission alone.

In Julie & Julia, Meryl plays Julia at the start of her career to her reign as the head bitch in America when it comes to French cuisine. Amy Adams co-stars as Julie, a blogger who spent 365 days trying to master all 525 of the recipes in Julia’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking. That is some crackhead shit right there. Have you ever seen Julia cook on TV? Homegirl does it all. I think in one episode, she runs out into the farm and strangles a chicken with her thighs. She’s no joke.

The Oscar skanks should just hand over a nomination to Meryl right now. Why bother with the flirting and dirty talk. They should all pass a nom over to international supermodel and master seat filler Phoebe Price for her work in the picture above. Chicken Cutlets is spreading those legs wide for an Oscah!

The Bruno Trailer Is Here

April 2, 2009 / Posted by:

Are you looking for the perfect fun film to show your church during holy movie night (do they have that?) What am I saying? None of you whores go to church! You still have the singe marks on your genitals from the last time you tried step in one! Anyway, this is the Bruno trailer! In order to watch it you have to answer like a bunch of really hard math problems, because I guess it’s kind of NSFWish. I’m surprised they didn’t ask for a stool sample and your great grandma’s middle name. I had to call up my 5-year-old cousin to help me out with this shit. Why do they make things so hard?

But it was worth it. Especially the part about what he names his African baby. And Richard Fucking Bey is in this! Oh, I hope this shit proves to be really damn offensive.

Trading Purdy For Purdy

March 31, 2009 / Posted by:

After Zac Efron decided he will not prance around like a pretty pretty princess in the Footloose remake, I thought the studio whores would stop the butchery and shut this shit down for a different day. Nope. Apparently, they are continuing to search for the perfect set of twinkly feet to take over for Kevin Bacon. And they may have found the one in the Home Depot-version of Zac, Chace Crawford. I say that because Chace is just a bit dykier than Zac. A bit.

Marc Malkin at E! says Chace sang for his life and danced like the planets were colliding during a test for the lead role this weekend. A source said that he did really well.

The movie’s name should be Assloose, because they are looking for the prettiest pussy boys in Hollywood. Damn. They just keep getting more precious and beautiful. If Chace doesn’t pass, they should get Ellen Degeneres to test. Better yet, just put Keira Knightley in a fucking wig and have her flitter about. She’d probably be more manly than Zac. And if that doesn’t work out for them, they could just shoot one of those ballerinas in a box for 2 hours with the Footloose music playing in the background. For serious.

BENJAMIN BUTTON’S A Nazi Killer

February 11, 2009 / Posted by:

This is the trailer for Quentin Tarainto’s Inglourious Basterds starring Bradley Pitt, Eli Roth, BJ Novak, Mike Myers, Samuel L. Jackson and Crazy Cloris Leachman. It’s basically just a bunch of Nazi scalping. And Brad is practically scalping me with that accent.

Brad is so cute when he’s trying to be a badass. I just want to pinch his cheeks and say, “Awww. Just put back on that old baby make-up and dance around.” Now that would be a movie worth emptying your checking account for in order to buy a ticket. The Curious Case of BENJAMIN BUTTON’S Scalping the Nazis!

Click here
if you can’t see the shit above.

People Actually Paid To See New In Town?!

February 1, 2009 / Posted by:

My shit was sooooo close to seeing that epic shit show New in Town. I figured instead of having a Super Bowl day, I’d have a super suck day by watching that mess. I guessed the theater would be empty as shit. Not even the movie theater mice (they exist in NYC) would stick around to view a crap fiesta that looks like it was made ten years ago and kept on the shelf. The poster even smells like moth balls. Anyway, I love an empty theater, because it’s like sitting in your living room. You can act the fool. And you can also get sexy.

Seriously, if you and your lovah ever find yourselves without a place to do fucky shit, go see a movie like New in Town. You can pretty much guarantee that nobody else will be in the theater. That way you can suck dick without some prude calling the cops or some sucio bitch jacking to your action. It’s important that bombs like New in Town exist! They are giving a home to sluts who have no place to hone their craft.

But I am surprised that New in Town made more than a couple of food stamps. It actually made $6.8 million. It still tanked, but I can’t believe that many bitches actually gave up money for it. I mean, IN THIS ECONOMY! Speaking of wasting cash, Mall Cop was the #2 movie this weekend after 2 weeks at #1. If you want to see a foolio on a Segway, just watch this over and over again.

Below is the weekend’s top 10:

1. Taken – $24.6 million
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop – $14 million
3. The Uninvited – $12.5 million
4. Hotel for Dogs – $8.7 million
5. Gran Torino – $8.6 million
6. Slumgdog Millionaire – $7.7 million
7. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – $7.2 million
8. New in Town – $6.8 million
9. My Bloody Valentine 3D – $4.3 million
10. Inkheart – $3.7 million

HA! Squinty Zellweger got beat by Hotel for Dogs!

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