In the first Fifty Shits of Boring movie, Dakota Johnson and pretty wooden post Jamie Dornan had the chemistry of two paper bowls full of overcooked Malt-O-Meal. I figured that the only way Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele could look less like they wanted to fuck each other is if the roles were recast with John Travolta and Kelly Preston. But it looks like the makers of the sequel Fifty Shits Darker somehow managed to make the second movie even less sexier than the first one. Congrats to them!
The trailer for Fifty Shits Darker was released today, and besides every single trick looking like their Ambien just kicked in, this mess looks like it’s part watered down remake of Eyes Wide Shut and part horror movie. There’s a helicopter crash! There’s Kim Basinger coming at Jamie Dornan while thinking to herself, “Fuck my career.” There’s an angry dude coming at Dakota. And there’s a spooky chick who keeps stalking Dakota. The producers should definitely try to re-market this as a horror movie. I mean, I have a feeling that Fifty Shits Darker is going to leave most of the audience screaming. They’ll be screaming at themselves for paying actual money for this crap, and they’ll be screaming at Kim Basinger and Hugh Dancy for needing a check that bad.
The third and final movie in the Fifty Shades series called Fifty Shits Freed is still shooting, and yesterday wet piece of cardboard Dakota Johnson and chiseled wooden block Jamie Dornan got into their swim chonies to shoot a beach scene in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France.
I’ve only read about 25 pages of the first book and I haven’t read the other two, because if I want to put my eyes on dumb raunch and trash, I’d read my own blog posts. So I have no idea if there’s a scene in Fifty Shits Freed where that Christian Grey dude and that Anastasia chick go on a beach vacation and decide to try to fit in with the tourists so she buys a shit-fitting, factory-defective bikini from the J. Crew outlet and he buys swim trunks from L.L. Bean. That would explain what they’re wearing.
Everyone always says that Hollywood is ran by Jewish men and gay men, but the latter is obviously not true. Because Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t wear a crotch flap in The Legend of Tarzan, and Jamie Dornan wears baggy dad trunks in this Fifty Shits wreck. Besides, Christian Grey is a billionaire and everyone knows that when billionaires go to the beach, they wear this (but one made out of actual $100 bills):
See, this is why the Fifty Shits books and movies can’t be taken seriously. They’re so not realistic!
Pics: Splash, Budgy Smuggler
Who knew that Dakota Johnson could give such FACE while straddling the upholstered arm of a chair? I don’t know what kind of magic that chair is working between her thighs, but that’s more horny-eyed emotion than she gave in all 125 minutes of Fifty Shades of Grey combined.
Dakota spoke to Chrissie Hynde for Interview magazine. Dakota is currently in Vancouver shooting both Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, because they’ve gotta bang those out fast before Jamie Dornan discovers a loophole in his contract and runs away like Forrest Gump. When Dakota tells Chrissie that she’s in Vancouver to film the Fifty Shades sequels, Chrissie asked: “The one where you have crazy sex scenes?” Yes Chrissie, those movies. Dakota admitted that she was filming a sex scene that day, and apparently pretending to have sex with someone is about as fun as waking up early on a Saturday and cleaning out your crawl space.
The first Fifty Shades of Shit movie was duller than wet baking powder but it still made $571 million worldwide and so of course, Universal is shitting out another one. One of the “key roles” in the second movie, Fifty Shades Darker, is Elena Lincoln, the child-whipping pedo who introduced Christian Grey to the world of BDSM when he was 15. There was a funny rumor that Charlize Theron was going to play the role, but that’s not going to happen, because Kim Basinger is going to do it. It’s been over 10 years since Kim has been nominated for a Razzie so maybe she figured that it’s about time she gets another one.
Who Cares About Their Oscars? Julianne Moore And Eddie Redmayne Were Finally Nominated For A Real Award
Both Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne are probably putting their Oscar in a boot box and storing that who cares award under a guest bed, because they need to make room on their mantel for an award they can really be proud of: A Razzie!
As they do every year, the Razzies butt squirted out their nominations the day before the Oscar nominations, which will be announced at the hour of the ungodly tomorrow morning. Adam Sandler is continuing his reign as the King of the Razzies. His movie Pixels got the most Razzie nominations along with Jupiter Ascending, Fifty Shades of Shit and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. They each got 6 nominations. Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne both won their first Oscar last year and this year they’re both nominated for their first Razzie. Julianne got nominated for the Seventh Son and Eddie Redmayne was nominated for Jupiter Ascending. I’m sure Julianne and Eddie both got calls from their past acting teachers who said, “And now I can finally say that I’m really proud of you!”
But really, these Razzie nominations are completely invalid and I cannot take them seriously at all. How can you even respect the Razzie voters ability to dishonor the best in suck when they didn’t give one nomination to the cinematic crime of the century that was the Jem and the Holograms movie? Jem should be the only turd nominated and it should fill every single category, but it didn’t get one nomination. Something in the milk ain’t clean…
Maybe the Golden Raspberry people are in cahoots with the government and the Academy Awards people. Maybe Jem didn’t get a nomination, because it’s going to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar tomorrow and only because the feds want the producers to show up to the ceremony so that they can arrest them on the spot and charge them with butchery. Yeah, I’m going with that.
All the nominations are after the cut.
Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame
After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!
Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.
At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly
“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”
“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.
A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:
And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.