The new teaser trailer for the third film called Fifty Shades Freed is out, and once again it looks like it’s NOT about a kinky couple bumping uglies in the paint swatch samples aisle at Home Depot.
Not to humble brag or anything, but I don’t really follow these films, nor did I read any of the books. But like any other red-blooded American woman, a certain amount of knowledge has, without my consent, slipped into my subconscious. So I guess I know the basics. The first one was all “I’m an A-type ugly duckling who needs to get laid, damn who’s this sexy manipulator?” and the second one was all “I got my back blown out by a billionaire and now it’s my turn to hold the whip.” According to this teaser trailer, I guess this third one is all “let me go ahead and marry this dude cuz I got rich bitch shit to do, oh no did I just get kidnapped by some other dude I wanna fuck?”
It’s no coincidence that it looks like Sam Taylor-Johnson is getting ready to run far, far away from the Fifty Shades franchise; Sam called it quits after directing Fifty Shades of Grey. She didn’t give a reason for why she wouldn’t be working on the sequels, but she did wish whoever got the thankless job “nothing but success.” Sam is talking about it again, and she goes in this time.
In 2013, it seemed like a sure thing that Charlie Hunnam would be the one blandly spanking Dakota Johnson in a movie version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Charlie seemed excited about it, but then all of a sudden, he quit the movie. Charlie blamed it all on scheduling. If that scheduling conflict was a person, this would be where they should cut Charlie a check for therapy, because he’s still so traumatized from quitting.
A few years ago, Charlie got melodramatic while talking about quitting Fifty Shades, saying he boo-hooed on the phone to director Sam Taylor-Johnson for 20 minutes after he quit. According to Charlie, quitting was the most “emotionally destructive and destructive thing” he’s ever had to do professionally. Apparently time hasn’t healed that memory for him. During an interview with Elle to promote The Lost City of Z, Charlie was asked if he ever saw Fifty Shades, and it sounds like that’s never going to be something he’ll do.
“I haven’t. I developed a friendship with [director Sam Taylor-Johnson], but that was a somewhat traumatic experience for me. I didn’t want to open that wound.”
Honestly, having a feel-bad flashback is the least of the reasons for why Charlie should never, ever see Fifty Shades of Grey. He thinks he’s traumatized now? Wait until he actually watches it. About 10 seconds into the unintentionally awkward scene where Anastasia meets Christian, Charlie’s body would become paralyzed with fear as a cold bead of sweat rolls down his face. And he will realize just how massive of a bullet that scheduling conflict helped him dodge. It would be like Charlie’s version of It’s A Wonderful Life, except it would end with Charlie scrambling to find the remote control and crying “Enough! Enough! Turn it off, Clarence, I’ve seen enough!”
Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik’s song I Don’t Wanna Live Forever is ten layers of annoying wrapped in twenty layers of unsexy, so it’s perfect for the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack. The video for it, which came out last night, is also perfect, because like a Fifty Shades movie, you’ll want to turn it off after 15 seconds. That’s if you don’t fall into a boredom-induced coma first.
Pictured: Taylor, Zayn and a traumatized pussy doing an impersonation of your eardrums while listening to their new duet.
Last night, Taylor Swift surprised her fans when she twatted a 30-second clip of the song that she and Zayn Malik yodeled out for the Fifty Shits Darker soundtrack. Taylor and Zayn doing a song for Fifty Shits is the new definition of “WUT?” for a lot of people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Judging by the trailers and the first dried turd nugget of a movie, Fifty Shits Darker looks about as hot and sexy as a bag of freezer-burnt succotash, so it’s completely on brand and 100% fitting for Taylor Swift to do a song for it. It’s a perfect fit!
In the first Fifty Shits of Boring movie, Dakota Johnson and pretty wooden post Jamie Dornan had the chemistry of two paper bowls full of overcooked Malt-O-Meal. I figured that the only way Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele could look less like they wanted to fuck each other is if the roles were recast with John Travolta and Kelly Preston. But it looks like the makers of the sequel Fifty Shits Darker somehow managed to make the second movie even less sexier than the first one. Congrats to them!
The trailer for Fifty Shits Darker was released today, and besides every single trick looking like their Ambien just kicked in, this mess looks like it’s part watered down remake of Eyes Wide Shut and part horror movie. There’s a helicopter crash! There’s Kim Basinger coming at Jamie Dornan while thinking to herself, “Fuck my career.” There’s an angry dude coming at Dakota. And there’s a spooky chick who keeps stalking Dakota. The producers should definitely try to re-market this as a horror movie. I mean, I have a feeling that Fifty Shits Darker is going to leave most of the audience screaming. They’ll be screaming at themselves for paying actual money for this crap, and they’ll be screaming at Kim Basinger and Hugh Dancy for needing a check that bad.