All together now: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Yesterday on Today, the One Direction of Australia, 5 Shits of Summer (or whatever their name is), performed and hundreds of crazed tweens lined up for them and some slept on the sidewalk for almost a week to see them. Well, I guess Fifty Shades of Grey is the 5 Seconds of Summer to the boxed wine-drinking, Honda CR-V-driving mom crowd. The trailer that makes Fifty Shades of Shit look like a story about a soulless animatronic serial killer who ties up a homeless librarian with bad bangs was shown on Today this morning and some people lined up while holding signs. Those women only have one fuck to give and that fuck is for Fifty Shades of Grey! A lot of hos who read mess read it in the back of a darkened closet with a flashlight and anytime someone came into the room and turned the lights on, they’d scream, “TURN OFF THE LIGHTS! I don’t want you to see me like this!” But not these moms. They proudly read that shit on the subway during rush hour and they are not ashamed to show up to Today on International Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Day and show their faces in the daylight.
And I shouldn’t say that only moms lined up, because I see that man in the turquoise polo. On the outside, he’s saying, “I was dragged here, I’m just their ride, I don’t know what a Fifty Shades of Grey is,” but on the inside he’s squealing, “OH GOD YES OH GOD YES! I’m Gay for Grey!”
If moms are lining up for the trailer, I can only imagine what the premiere is going to be like. It’s going to be more chaotic than a 75% off “everything must go” sale at Chico’s.
And who ever came up with the idea for this sign should be handcuffed and jailed:
Matt Lauer winking while holding a gigantic pair of handcuffs with his toddler hands? That’s Fifty Shades of NOPE.
via @TODAYshow (Thanks Cara)
This morning, the first full-length trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey (aka the Walmart version of Secretary) was supposed to premiere on the Today show, but it was deemed “too hot for morning TV” and all the horny mommies were told that if they wanted to see the hot hardcore action, they’d have to disable the Net Nanny and watch it online. There must be a bunch of busted thermometers at NBC, because nothing about this trailer is “too hot” for the Today show. Kathie Lee Gifford has had on-air hot flashes that were hotter than this lukewarm trailer.
Literally the “hottest” scene was when Dakota Johnson appeared wearing a wool cardigan and I thought “Damn, if it’s warm enough in that office for every other bitch to go sleeveless, Dakota Johnson must be hot as fuck.” Other than that, I have a hard time remembering the rest of what happened in the trailer, because it was boooorrrinnng and I fell asleep. I actually had to throw on some Lana Del Rey to wake my ass up. The trailer is 2 and a half minutes long, and most of that time is dedicated to Beyoncé moaning “Crazy in Love” like a narcoleptic zombie and Jamie Dornan looking like he just woke up from a botched lobotomy.
Meanwhile, a million middle-aged pussies just exploded fire like an active volcano from all the XXX hotness.
And here’s the star of the hottest, raunchiest, nastiest mainstream porno of all time looking like Fifty Shades of Prairie Hipster with her boyfriend in New York City yesterday.
On February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorces filed in one single day will be made when millions of husbands file for divorce, because they’d rather legally break up with their wives than fulfill their wives’ VD gift request of suffering through Fifty Shades of Shit. Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t splatter against movie screens until VD 2015, but they’re already farting out trailers and teasers and teaser trailers, because they want to torture us all and they know that the anticipation will tickle at the dormant clits of middle-aged moms and get them to buy their tickets NOW.
Seen above looking like a Las Vegas ninja taking a boring shit, Beyonce threw up a teaser for the Fifty Shades of Puke trailer, which comes out on Thursday. The teaser trailer doesn’t show the only thing I want in a Fifty Shades of Grey teaser trailer, a close-up of Jamie Dornan’s bare ass, but it does have a slowed-down, fuck me version of “Crazy In Love” in it. Yes, Beyonce is involved in Fifty Shades Of Smegma. This is Beyonce’s way of reminding you that her ass will do anything for more MONAY!!!!!!! I know Beyonce’s a sub, but it would’ve made more sense if Basement Baby was involved in this mess instead since she’s the Christian Grey of the family. We all watched her slap and spank at Jay-Z in that elevator.
Here’s the trailer for the trailer:
That moaning at the end sounds like Beyonce’s doing the “uh oh uh oh” from Crazy In Love while lying in a Calgon bath during an Ambien and red wine-induced half coma. That half-asleep moan is the same half-asleep moan that I’ll probably make when I drag myself to see this piece of shit in theaters. Yes, I’ll probably see this wreck in theaters, because I don’t love myself and will suffer through some serious shit to see Jamie Dornan’s ass on a huge screen in front of me.
Literally The Only Reason To Watch This Mess: Aaron Taylor-Johnson Will Be In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”
The studio executives at Universal must have finally realized that toning down all the fucking and sucking in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie leaves it with as much intense raw sexuality as a trip to Carpet Barn, because someone gave the go-ahead for director Sam Taylor-Wood to sex it up a bit by casting her husband and object of her cougar-y affection, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, in a last-minute role. Sam TaylorMade 3-Wood told Access Hollywood that she was able to find a way to get her hot 23-year-old husband, but wouldn’t say what role he was playing.
Someone needs to tell Sam Cougar-Would (Would she get her cougar-on with an 18-year-old? She would) that if she wants to put middle-aged mom butts in seats, she needs to be a little more explicit regarding just how much Aaron Taylor-Johnson there will be in Fifty Shades of Snooze. Will he be shirtless? Do we get to see his ass? What about Aaron Taylor’s johnson? Eh, it doesn’t even matter; she could promise a 60-second-long full-frontal HD close-up shot of his dick, and it still wouldn’t make it worth sitting through 2 hours of that trashy Twilight fanfic.
But until then (aka my dreams, because there’s no way in hell we’ll get to see his weenis) here’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson at the London premiere of Godzilla with his wife Sam Taylor-Wood, who always looks like an adult version of that Side Eyeing Chloe kid:
“Duh” – that outfit.
I’m the last person who should be judging movies (the fact that my favorite film – YES I SAID FILM – is Bio Dome tells you something about how few cylinders are firing at any given time in my brain) but even I know that without full-frontal dong-shots, Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to be a boring mess. And according to an interview with Vanity Fair (via Us Weekly) it looks like my hopes of Dakota Johnson coming to the rescue by embracing this goofy trash and camping it up are crushed, because even her character, Anastasia Steele, is putting her to sleep, too:
“[I did] a lot of getting into the character’s head — Ana’s headspace — kind of before she meets Christian,” Johnson explained to the magazine. “So it’s a lot of reading, which I love. But she’s an English major, so that’s kind of boring.”
Why oh why couldn’t E. L. James have written Anastasia Steele as a melodramatic, glue-sniffing, washed-up model from the 90s?? Unless they’re re-writing part of the script to include a wisecracking robot with a penchant for butt jokes, nothing can save this movie. Regardless, at least Dakota someone will pay to watch it:
Johnson, like Fifty Shades fans, can’t wait for the premiere — and to see who will attend. “I wonder if it will be, like, 40-year-old moms, which I am cool with,” she said. “I love moms.”
That’s nice, but know who won’t love the thousands of 40-year-old Fifty Shades moms? The poor souls assigned to clean up the red carpet after the premiere. Mark my words: that carpet will be so flood-damaged, FEMA will be called in with every 10 gallon capacity wet/dry vacuum cleaner in the country and an industrial-sized vat of Febreze.
Most of us figured that the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is going to be as erotic as a lone turd floating in a rest stop toilet (all offense to you sucio SCAT QUEENS who find that erotic), but at least there was a chance that we’d get several shots of Jamie Dornan’s bare ass and maybe a quick shot of his soft dick. But all Wagreens are sold out of coochie moisturizer today, because millions of middle-aged soccer mom snatches dried up as soon as one of the producers of that mess said that it wasn’t going to be explicit. Those horny moms who demand Dornan dick will revolt!
According to Deadline, at a Producers Guild event at Sundance this morning, producer Michael de Luca said that they don’t want an NC-17 rating, so they’ve toned down the fuck scenes and moms don’t have to ask for extra popcorn butter, because they’re not going to need any lube since there won’t be any dick shots.
“We’re going to give them what they expect, which is an intense and erotic love story. A picture is worth a 1000 words. So to be erotic onscreen means I think an image is going to have way more power than reading the words on a page. Not to sound corny, but it is, at its heart, a young love story. I think those things always work,” he said of the blockbuster trilogy of books. No matter what you think about the book, those things are in that story and they are very cinematic. I think people love a good love story and the these two characters endeared themselves to 90 million readers so it’s hard to say that it didn’t connect on a deeper level than just its more sensationalist aspects, but it was the love story that did it for me.”
From what I know about the book, the S&M shit is already about as tame as a kitten whipping a baby bunny with its tail, so the movie is going to be 100% vanilla. It’s just going to be 2 hours of that Ana chick blabbering at the mouth about her inner goddess while Christian Grey looks at her all mean-like. They might as well get Rosie O’Donnell to shoot a cameo and re-package the whole thing as a sequel to Exit to Eden, because what’s the point? This is exactly why I usually just stick to porn. It gives me what I want: hard dick, sweaty ass and rent-a-center furniture.
And I guess this means there will be no tampon scene, which probably gave Dakota Johnson the sads. She wanted that to be the scene they used when she’s nominated for a Best Actress Oscar next year.
Here’s Dakota and Jamie shooting that tame wreck in Vancouver a few days ago.
To prove that the big-screen Fifty Shades of Grey movie hasn’t completely fallen apart and will move to Lifetime where it will star Doug Savant and Crystal Bernard (I wish), Universal dressed Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson as their characters for a photo spread in Entertainment Weekly. These pictures look like low-budget, badly-produced stock photos for a story about a rapey-eyed, controlling creeper who buys all of his ties from the Donald Trump Collection at Macy’s and the mentally-stunted woman girl who is contractually obligated to love him. They nailed it! I know, these pictures look like stills for a community theater production of Fifty Shades of Glib: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Story.
EW also interviewed Jamie and Don Johnson’s daughter and they both showed off their talents for lying their asses off:
Jamie on getting the role after Charlie Hunnam checked out: “There was a slight fear. But beyond anything else, I was really fucking excited.”
Don Johnson’s daughter on how she’s getting her body sex scene ready: “Obviously, I want to look good naked. I totally understand now why people exercise, because it kind of fucking feels awesome.”
Jamie on how a movie based on a story about sex needs to have sex in it: “I grew up in a very liberal place. I’m not saying we had a playroom, but I’m not shocked by [the sex in the book]. It’s essential to tell the story. I can’t believe films that don’t invoke the sexual side of it. So it works for me.”
Fifty Shades was supposed to come out in the summer, but they moved it to Valentine’s Day 2015. They don’t want to compete with World Cup. Ha. So now we know that on February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorce papers filed by middle-aged men on the same day will be made. Middle-aged husbands will rather divorce their wives than be dragged to this shitty mess on Valentine’s Day.
After Charlie Hunnam dropped out and Robert Pattinson passed and Garrett Hedlund passed and Ryan Gosling passed and your dealer passed and my dealer passed and the man who cuts your lawn every other Thursday passed and EVERYONE passed, Universal and Focus Features finally found a dude who took their check for $125,000, shrugged and said, “Sure I’ll be in this literal shit. Why not!”
Variety says that Keira Knightley’s ex-piece Jamie Dornan has been cast as Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. The model turned actor, who was in Once Upon a Time and The Fall, read with Dakota Johnson along with Billy Magnussen. After the Charlie Hunnam mess, the director Sam Taylor-Johnson and producers decided to look for a mostly unknown who really doesn’t give a fuck. Sam and the producers planned to test more actors, but they didn’t and gave the role Jamie.
Universal and Focus wouldn’t confirm or deny that they cast Jamie.
Jamie played that hot Swedish count in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette and that’s his biggest movie role to date, so I guess signing onto Fifty Shades of Shit isn’t the worst move. But I’m still going to believe that the producers hired Dylan McDermott to kidnap Jamie’s family and keep them hostage in their own house until Jamie finishes shooting this mess of a movie. Yes, I just admitted that I’m the only person in the world who watches Hostages. I’m also going to admit that I will put on a disguise to go to the midnight screening of Fifty Shades, because I’m looking at that picture and thinking to myself that I really want to see that bare ass in motion on a big screen. My mind is saying NOOOOO, but my body is saying YEEEEEEESSSSSS.
Now that the government shut down is pretty much over, we can get back to talking about what really matters in this country: Fifty Shades of Shit.
When it was announced that Charlie Hunnam was going to be Christian Grey, I figured that they convinced him to do it by backing up a dump truck full of gold coins, jewels, pearls and everything else in Scrooge McDuck’s vault into his driveway. The only way an actor who is supposedly worth $8 million (according to the extremely, extremely reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com and by “extremely reliable” I mean not really reliable) would star in that mess if the check they gave him had a string of zeros falling off of it. But The Hollywood Reporter says that Charlie was going to get paid $125,000 to say poetic lines like, “You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of them belong to me.”
A source tells THR that money wasn’t even the reason why Charlie hit the alarm and ran for the emergency exit. Charlie was freaking out over all the attention he was getting and had problems with the script. He gave notes to screenwriter Kelly Marcel, but the producers refused to give him script approval. The source says that Charlie’s dick never got hard for the project, so he pulled his soft peen out of that bitch and quit.
Now, let’s go back to the $125,000 shit…
$125,000 is a lot of money and it can buy you a lot of things like an 1,800 square foot house in Detroit, around 54,000 cheddar bacon potato wedges from Jack in the Box, 1,250 kittens from the ASPCA or a custom made Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll (I priced it). But $125,00 to risk fucking up his career? I’m sure he was going to get a cut of the back end (wink wink), but what if it was a flop and turned out to be the next Showgirls and he became this generation’s Elizabeth Berkley? Wait….since I put it that way, Charlie Hunnam is a stupid bitch for dropping out of that shit, because he could’ve starred in the next Showgirls and been this generation’s Elizabeth Berkley!
The good news is that Charlie Hunnam realized that he’s not quite ready to drown his career in extra chunky mom jizz and fifty shades of shit. The bad news is that we’re not going to see the six pack on Charlie Hunnam’s ass cheeks clench as he whips Melanie Griffith’s daughter. Universal Pictures and Focus Features announced today that they’re going to have to find another Christian Grey, because Charlie Hunnam has dropped an I QUIT THIS BITCH on their asses, and they’re all blowing a bull’s fart in our eyes by blaming on it good old-fashioned “scheduling conflicts.”
“The filmmakers of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and Charlie Hunnam have agreed to find another male lead given Hunnam’s immersive TV schedule which is not allowing him time to adequately prepare for the role of Christian Grey.”
More like, “Charlie Hunnam finally got around to reading the book.”
The truth is, Charlie Hunnam wasn’t right for that shit anyway. Now the powers-that-be in that future Razzie record breaker can do what’s right and cast my only choice for Christian Grey: Richard Simmons!