As the rest of humanity screams “NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, MAKE IT STOP!!!!“, the Fifty Shades-obsessed horny mommy types are hauling ass to Home Depot to pick up a new waterproof tarp and a 100-pack of AA batteries in preparation for the second coming (ew, that sounded grosser than I intended).
Earlier today, professional Twilight fanfic writer E.L. James announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she has written another Fifty Shades of Grey book. You know, for those of you who were dying for more mild descriptions of spanking and had $19.99 you felt like flushing down the toilet. As you have probably already gathered from the picture above, E.L.’s new book is called Grey and it’s the Fifty Shades story from Christian Grey’s perspective. Basically, instead of “Oh jeez“, you’ll get “And then I whipped out my throbbing manhood and made her jeez all night long.”
To add another layer of NO onto this already NO-coated story, E.L. James’ says Grey will be published on June 18th, in honor of Christian Grey’s birthday. Why do I get the feeling that E.L. James will be throwing a pretend birthday party on the 18th and putting the icing from that birthday cake somewhere other than in her mouth?
Because I value and treasure my last few working brain cells, I didn’t read any of the Fifty Shades books, but I might actually read Grey, because you know this shit is going to be a mess. E.L. James, a woman who could barely write from the perspective of a woman, writing from the perspective of a dude based on a Twilight vampire might be the best gift she’s ever given to the world. And that’s saying a lot, considering she’s already given us so much.
Emilia Clarke, aka dragon enthusiast Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones, has been famous-ish for a while now and she recently admitted in an interview with Marie Claire UK that one of the things she’s learned about being famous-ish is that she won’t ever type the name EMILIA CLARKE into the Google search bar ever again. If you just guessed “Was it because of rude assholes?“, congratulations – you guessed right! Although you don’t win a prize, because that could be the answer to at least 2,396 of life’s questions.
“I remember when everything first kicked off, I Googled myself. You just do, it’s instinct. But never again. It just takes that one person who says ‘She’s a fat bitch’, and you’re like ‘I’m a fat bitch.'”
Emilia looks like she weighs about the same as an average family pack of Pop-Tarts, so I hope she hasn’t taken that random search result too seriously (I just pictured Emilia Clarke changing her Twitter bio to “Fat Bitch”). Besides, it was probably just the bitchy hisses from a disgruntled former dragon actor from GoT who is still bitter that they got fired for showing up drunk on dragon drank and acting a mess on set.
Emilia also talked about how she turned down the role of Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Bland Spanking, and no, it’s not because she knew that there would be a mountain of word shit waiting for her the next time she Googled her name.
“I really wanted to work with Sam Taylor-Johnson because she’s fucking amazing. But there is a huge amount of nudity in the film. I’ll never say, ‘I’m never doing nudity’ because I’ve already done it, but I thought I might get stuck in a pigeonhole that I would have struggled to get out of.”
“Ooh, that’s good. Can I use that one?” thought Dakota Johnson, as she prepared her list of excuses for why she can’t do the third Fifty Shades movie.
Fifty Shades of Shit has already made roughly $1.9 zillion dollars, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are sniffing around for a raise. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Dakota and Jamie both received $250,000 plus box office bonuses for the first film, and now they’re trying to negotiate something in the 7-figure range for Fifty Shades Shittier and Fifty Shits Freed (aka the second and third films). A source claims they never received any backend compensation on the first film, adding that it was “a very basic franchise starter deal.”
THR says an insider tells them they’ll probably borrow from Jennifer Lawrence’s Hunger Games negotiations and ask for something in the millions. JLaw was paid $500,000 for Hunger Games and $10 million for Catching Fire, which means Dakota and Jamie could seriously get that money. They’re still six months away from salary negotiations, though, so maybe they shouldn’t buy a fleet of single-use disposable private jets just yet.
Normally when a famous actor type gets a case of the greedies and starts demanding more cash, I’m inclined to push out a chair using the power generated by my eye rolls so they can have a seat. But in this case, I urge Jamie and Dakota to go after as much money as possible. Sleeping on a giant pile of money is the only thing that won’t keep them up all night thinking about how they agreed to star in such a terrible movie franchise. Get it, you two! Get as much of that horny mommy cash as you can!
Here’s future millionaire Dakota Johnson and a friend looking like two extras from the set of Girls who got fired for trying to sniff Adam’s hair walking around New York yesterday:
A Showing Of “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Had To Be Evacuated After A Woman Barfed All Over The Place And Shat On Herself
File this directly in the THINGS THAT ARE TOO EASY file. Right next to a picture of me.
I don’t know what it is about the UK and Fifty Shades of Meh, but they’re having strong feelings about it. They’re either glassing tricks who tell them to shut their mouths or they’re vom-ing everywhere and caca-ing themselves. The Milton Keynes Citizen says that at a sold-out Valentine’s Day showing of Fifty Shades of Grey (Why are we just hearing about this important shit and vomit news now?) at Cineworld in the town of Milton Keynes in England, audience members started complaining about the smell of puke and poop filling the theater. I don’t know if I would’ve complained. I would’ve guessed that the theater is really technologically advanced and had Smell-O-Vision installed. Barf and caca is the natural scent of Fifty Shades of Shit, right? Well, everyone in the audience quickly found out that the stank scent was coming from a drunk woman who just couldn’t resist the urge to turn the theater into a barf and scat party.
One audience member said that after she butt barfed and puked up all of her insides, she couldn’t move and had to be carried out. Because of the shit show in the audience, the shit show playing on the screen was canceled. Everyone was told to get out and they were given refunds.
“I’m not sure of her age but she so drunk she couldn’t move. She practically had to be carried out. And the mess she left behind was just disgusting. There was no way they could clean it up there and then – it would be a specialist job, so the film was stopped and everybody had to leave. It was so disappointing. We’d really been looking forward to seeing it after reading the books. It was an absolute disaster. There is nothing less romantic than seeing a woman be violently ill everywhere.”
That last line. There’s a Bill Cosby joke there, but I’m not touching it today. You know, I haven’t seen Fifty Shades, but I thought this happened at every showing? Isn’t this just a normal, natural reaction to that movie?
And I bet that as that drunk lady was carried away, a husband who was dragged there by his wife, discreetly tucked 200 bucks into her pocket and threw her a “good job” wink.
Raise your hand if you too looked at this picture of Jamie Dornan and the sad Charlie Brown music started playing. Something tells me that’s the exact same face he made when his agent told him he’s not going anywhere.
Yesterday there was a rumor going around that Jamie Dornan had found a loophole in the contract he signed with Satan that could get him out of a Fifty Shades of Grey sequel and he was saying ‘bye bitch’ to Christian Grey. However, today Jamie Dornan is saying the rumor that he’s leaving is a lie (even if in his heart I’m sure he wishes it were true). Jamie’s people released a statement to ABC News today confirming that he has no plans to leave that awful mess:
“Jamie is delighted that the film is breaking box office records worldwide and whilst the studio has not made any formal announcements about sequels, he is looking forward to making the next film.”
I speak bullshit PR, so allow me to translate for you: Jamie signed a contract, so Jamie can’t leave. We don’t care how embarrassed he is of Fifty Shades, as long as this shit is pulling in more money than Jesus after rigging the powerball in Heaven, he’ll put on the grey suit and make with the slappitty-slap.
Well, there you have it. Looks like EL James can stop writing a list (sorry – poorly writing a list) of potential hunks to replaceme Jamie and living breathing tube of unflavored Carmex Dakota Johnson can stop texting her agent “NOT FAIR! WHY DOES HE GET TO LEAVE?!?“
“Hey, what are the chances that you could get me out of it too?” asked Dakota Johnson.
Even though the horny horny mommies have spent nearly $410 million of their damp dollars on the film Fifty Shades of Grey and would easily spend another $410 million to see Part 2, there’s apparently not enough money that could make anyone associated with that sleepy mess stick around for a sequel. First director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel hint that they don’t want anything to do with it, and now Australian magazine NM (via The Mirror) says Christian Grey himself is trying to tip-toe his way to the exit door. According to a source, Jamie Dornan has told producers that he won’t be back for a Fifty Shades sequel, and there are a couple reasons why.
1. Jamie’s wife, Amelia Warner, isn’t crazy about him getting mildly sexy on-screen. The source says she hasn’t seen the movie, probably never will, and doesn’t want to think about all the horny former Twihards types getting moist for her husband.
2. Jamie was promised the movie would make him a big star, but so far its just made him the big star of a crappy movie. Jamie apparently hates reading all the bad reviews of Fifty Shades and he doesn’t want to read any more.
3. Jamie is done working with living breathing grey turtleneck Dakota Johnson because they had zero chemistry. Additionally, he thinks the bad reviews are her fault because she “gave him nothing to work with”.
That feels like an awful lot of words just to say “…because the sequel will suck“, doesn’t it? That source could have just said “Jamie Dornan doesn’t want to come back for the Fifty Shades sequel, because DUH, it’s a sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey” and we’d all nod our heads in agreement, because that explanation makes perfect sense.
Most of the Fifty Shades of Grey reviews I scanned over said that the movie was better than the caca puddle of a book, because the screenwriter Kelly Marcel scrubbed out most of the dialogue and replaced it with lines that didn’t totally make the audience want to scream out the safe word. The safe word being “refund.” E.L. James (born name: Erika Mitchell) probably didn’t like that her poetic dialogue was discarded like that, because she’s reportedly trying to convince Universal to let her write the script for the sequel by herself. This is the best news for all of us who really appreciate a train full of shit crashing into a train full of vomit.
Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.
The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.
One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:
“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”
A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.
What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).
On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.
And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.
All together now: “MOM! This is all your fault!”
Speaking of moms, I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, so I didn’t get to see Fifty Squirts of Shit, because ew, I’m not going to see that with my mom, and if I did make her see it she could press charges against me for parent abuse. I didn’t see that mess, but pretty much everybody did. Deadline says it will make $81.67 million in three days and it’s expected to hit $90 million at the end of President’s Day weekend. Us Americans aren’t the only messes who want to be whipped in the eyes with Jamie Dornan’s stiff acting (I wish it was his stiff something else). Deadline also says that Fifty Shits will take in $158 million internationally after just 5 days. Right now, the worldwide opening weekend estimate is $239.7 million. When civilization ends, the elder aliens of other planets will tell their young that one of Earth’s final downfalls was that Fifty Shades of Grey made $239.7 million in its opening weekend.
Kingsman: The Secret Service will get second place at the domestic box office with $35.6 million. The Spongebob movie will land at third place with $30.5 million. American Sniper will also pass $300 million this weekend. I hope that means that the fake baby from American Sniper will get a bonus and can finally upgrade its ass implants.
Deadline says that Fifty Shits, which cost $40 million to make, has broken all kinds of records. It’s the biggest February opening since Passion of the Christ opened with $83.9 million in 2004. It also broke the record for the biggest Valentine’s Day and President’s Day weekend openings. It also beat Justin Bieber’s record for the most number of women its left disappointed and cold inside. No, I watched the local news on Friday night and they were interviewing people as they came out of the theater. 80% of them were middle-aged moms wearing Sofia by Sofia Vergara jeans. One of them kept going on and on about how much she loved it and she didn’t want it to end. Her crotch sounded like a mop being wrung out when she walked away and I prayed for her cats who probably didn’t hear the end of it when she got home.
So, see, that shit brought somebody happiness. And I’m sure the BDSM community will embrace it when doms realize that if they really want to test their subs’ pain threshold, they’ll make them watch Fifty Shades while wearing this:
The safe phrase is: “Master, master, please take me to see Mortdecai instead. Anything but this!“
Since Madge knows sex and knows erotica, Billboard asked her if she’s spent any time with the Fifty Shades of Shit book. Madge has read it and reading it felt like reading a book on how to grow hydrangeas. It did nothing for her. That shit is preschool playground stuff to her. Madge says that book is for virgins, and it’s also really unrealistic, because according to her, Christian Grey spends way too much time with a mouthful of Steele poon.
Yes, I have. It’s pulp fiction. It’s not very sexy, maybe for someone who has never had sex before. I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, “Hmm, a lot of spanking.” I also thought, “This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much.” I’m sorry, but no one eats pussy as much as the guy in that book.
Yes, because a piece of Twilight fanfiction about a 27-year-old self-made billionaire who gets into a sex contract with a 21-year-old college newspaper writer who says “crap” all the time is supposed to be as realistic as possible. I don’t know how much pussy Christian Grey eats in that book and I also don’t know if Madge is right about dudes not licking the box a lot. But my guess is that many of her boy toys don’t go down on her all the time because they heard a tale during their travels. They heard that when you go down on Madonna, her muscled-up labia lips grab onto your tongue and as you scream, her powerful cooch sucks in your soul and youth. That’s probably why. But seriously, how can dudes eat Madge’s pussy when they’ve got a ball gag stuffed in their mouth and she’s pegging them?
Pic: V Magazine