While some of us (who obviously don’t love ourselves enough) are attached to an IV drip full of vodka as we shame watch Fifty Shades of Shit in the back row or a movie theater on Valentine’s Day, the Duggar and Kirk Cameron set will be swooning out of their long denim skirts while watching the two main hos passionately side hug in the conservative Christian answer to Fifty Shades called Old-Fashioned. I know, I thought there was already a religious version of Fifty Shades. It’s call Twilight. But seriously, isn’t 19 Kids and Counting already a Christian version of Fifty Shades? But instead of Jim Bob pulling a tampon out of Michelle, he pulls a baby out and instead of her getting whipped in the ass with a leather belt, she gets whipped in the ears with the sound of her 19 kids screaming.
Old-Fashioned is basically A Walk To Remember’s backwash. It’s about a virgin who doesn’t believe in dating and the free-spirited girl who challenges his beliefs in love and GOD. After watching that messy trailer, I have a feeling that the ending is going to be fifty shades of awkward. It’s going to be weird when toward the end of the movie, the chick meets the dude for a reading date and finds a baby in Converse, because that dude’s obviously got that Benjamin Button’s shit. That boyish haircut, hoodie and Converse ain’t fooling anyone.
Rik Swartzwelder, the movie’s writer and director who cast himself in the lead role even though he’s way too old for that shit, says in the beginning of the trailer that they’re “picking a fight with Fifty Shades” and gave me the image of Christian Grey dick slapping him in the nose.
“Clearly, we’re picking a fight with Fifty Shades. We’re not only picking a fight, we’re picking a fight with the schoolground bully, likely to get our nose busted in two. … Love and romance are created by God and designed to lead to marriage and physical intimacy. … I find it impossible to not believe that, deep down, we don’t want to celebrate something more than Fifty Shades.”
Never mind that dude is only calling his movie the anti-Fifty Shades, because it’s the only way he’ll get mainstream attention for that shit, it still looks better than Fifty Shades. The trailer also gave me more tingles too. Blame it on the Christian Benjamin Button blowing out that marshmallow flame.
In case you were curious as to why your landlady hasn’t replied to any of your texts in the past 24-hours or why you haven’t seen the horny middle-aged mom from HR since this morning when you caught her in the supply closet stuffing her purse full of AA batteries and why your local CVS was out lube AND hand sanitize AND hair gel last night, it’s because the second trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey was released yesterday. Pray for every vibrator whose warranty expired back in 1974, because if their motor hasn’t died yet, there’s a very good chance it will happen in the next few hours.
We pretty much learned all we needed to know about that 90-minute mess from the last trailer that was released four months ago (frumpy hair, suits, gasping, Beyonce), but this time we learn the following:
1. Jamie Dornan’s Mr. Grey or Col. Mustard or whatever his character’s name is has a fancy closet full of fancy grey suits, but Dakota Johnson just has a hole in the wall filled with Duggar family cast-offs.
2. When Dakota runs into Jamie in the hardware store at the 0:54 mark, it looks like they’re cosplaying the Property Brothers.
3. Good news for those of you who watched the ice cube scene in 9½ Weeks and thought “Oooh, if only someone would remake this and make it the opposite of sexy!” – there’s an ice-cube scene!
Other than that, it’s just 98% recycled footage from the first one. The only real difference is that they switched out a heavily sedated-sounding Beyonce singing “Crazy in Love” for a mildly sedated-sounding Beyonce singing “Haunted”. But that’s technically different enough, right? Cut them some slack, guys – they’ve been really busy re-shooting the sex scenes.
I recently watched a gay porn where one dude was giving another dude a facial and the dude getting a facial acted like cold, old oatmeal was going to come out of that dick. His mouth said, “Oh yeah, give it to me,” in a monotone voice, but his facial expression said, “Can we get this over with, because Scandal is on tonight and I want to stop at Trader Joe’s to get some wine.” If UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) is telling the truth, then the Fifty Shades of Shit sex scenes are about as awkward and un-sexy as that gay porn scene I watched.
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson were back in Vancouver last week for re-shoots (pictures below) and a source says they reshot a lot of the fuck scenes. The source says that in the original footage they shot, Dakota lies there like a week-old dead fish and the producers weren’t into it, because they’re making Fifty Shades of Grey, not The Kim Kardashian Story.
A source who works on the set told Us Magazine the original shots weren’t passionate and the directors were disappointed by the stars’ lack of chemistry. Another source accused Johnson of not playing her role “sexy enough”, and that her character should be “naive, not a dishrag.”
But a different source tells E! that producers are happy with the footage they have, but they just wanted more filler footage. Uh huh, I bet they wanted him to filler with his footage.
I thought that Anastasia Aluminum Foil chick was supposed to be a dish rag? I thought that if a fairy godmother appeared in your kitchen and turned that old dish rag under your sink into a human, it would look like, act like and be named Anastasia Steele. Isn’t she supposed to lie there like a snoring sloth as Christian Grey whips her with her tampon or whatever? If the producers want the movie’s sex scenes to be “passionate,” then methinks they hired the wrong actress. They should plop a mousey, dishwater brown wig onto the head of Dakota’s mother, Melanie Griffith, and get her to be her daughter’s sex scene double, because she knows how to do a sex scene. Better yet, they should flush all the footage they have into the toilet and reshoot the whole thing with Melanie and Don Johnson in the lead roles.
Jamie Dornan Will Get An Oscar For Playing Christian Grey, So Says Fifty Shades Of Grey’s Screenwriter
Fifty Shades of Grey is going to win Oscars in the same universe where Parasite Hilton is going to sweep the Grammys, Tori Spelling is going to sweet the Emmys, Meryl Streep is going to sweep the Razzies, I’m going to win a Pulitzer for my dedication to writing about dick cheese and Lindsay Lohan is going to win something besides another court date. But Fifty Shades of Shit’s screenwriter, Kelly Marcel, thinks that at the 2016 Oscars, 2015′s Best Actress Oscar winner, January Jones for The Mother Theresa Story, will say the words, “And the Oscar goes to JAMIE DORNAN,” as
hell freezes over it starts snowing at Coachella and pigs fly the Kardashians sprout wings. Either Kelly Marcel was just joking or she’s been in the Fifty Shades of Shit world for so long that she’s gone crazy.
E! News says that Kelly took part in a Q&A for DBA’s “An Evening in the Writer’s Room” series in Hollywood last week and she talked about how hard (I bet) it was writing sex scenes for Fifty Shades. Kelly says that she had to describe everything and had to get Anastasia Aluminum Foil to say, “You are my popsicle,” to Christian Grey. I don’t know what that means, but if Christian’s dick melts in Ana’s cooch when he sticks it in, she shouldn’t admit that out loud, because it’s not a compliment. Kelly says that they played that scene really well and Jamie Dornan is really good at playing it hard and soft. I don’t know if she means that he’s really good at being vulnerable and rough or if she means that his dick emotes emotion when it’s hard and when it’s asleep.
Marcel laughed and said, “She says that, ‘You are my popsicle.’ That line went in, it’s genius. They apparently did that scene great. Apparently Jamie is great at being soft and hard at the same time. Which is hard to do for an actor! He’s going to get an Oscar!”
But how does someone translate a “Christian Grey popsicle” on-screen? Marcel explained that scenes had to be very specific and descriptive in the script, adding that she couldn’t just write, “They made love” and move on, making things awkward sometimes.
“I had to actually describe everything! It was really embarrassing when you’re doing studio notes around the table with 12 people,” she said.
If anybody’s going to get an Oscar for Fifty Shades of Mom Jizz it better be the tampon, because it probably gives the most multi-layered performance in that shit.
And if Jamie Dornan does win an Oscar for Fifty Shades, all cameras should focus on Leonard DiCaprio as he deflates when the last bubble of hope slips out of his ass.
All together now: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Yesterday on Today, the One Direction of Australia, 5 Shits of Summer (or whatever their name is), performed and hundreds of crazed tweens lined up for them and some slept on the sidewalk for almost a week to see them. Well, I guess Fifty Shades of Grey is the 5 Seconds of Summer to the boxed wine-drinking, Honda CR-V-driving mom crowd. The trailer that makes Fifty Shades of Shit look like a story about a soulless animatronic serial killer who ties up a homeless librarian with bad bangs was shown on Today this morning and some people lined up while holding signs. Those women only have one fuck to give and that fuck is for Fifty Shades of Grey! A lot of hos who read mess read it in the back of a darkened closet with a flashlight and anytime someone came into the room and turned the lights on, they’d scream, “TURN OFF THE LIGHTS! I don’t want you to see me like this!” But not these moms. They proudly read that shit on the subway during rush hour and they are not ashamed to show up to Today on International Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Day and show their faces in the daylight.
And I shouldn’t say that only moms lined up, because I see that man in the turquoise polo. On the outside, he’s saying, “I was dragged here, I’m just their ride, I don’t know what a Fifty Shades of Grey is,” but on the inside he’s squealing, “OH GOD YES OH GOD YES! I’m Gay for Grey!”
If moms are lining up for the trailer, I can only imagine what the premiere is going to be like. It’s going to be more chaotic than a 75% off “everything must go” sale at Chico’s.
And who ever came up with the idea for this sign should be handcuffed and jailed:
Matt Lauer winking while holding a gigantic pair of handcuffs with his toddler hands? That’s Fifty Shades of NOPE.
via @TODAYshow (Thanks Cara)
This morning, the first full-length trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey (aka the Walmart version of Secretary) was supposed to premiere on the Today show, but it was deemed “too hot for morning TV” and all the horny mommies were told that if they wanted to see the hot hardcore action, they’d have to disable the Net Nanny and watch it online. There must be a bunch of busted thermometers at NBC, because nothing about this trailer is “too hot” for the Today show. Kathie Lee Gifford has had on-air hot flashes that were hotter than this lukewarm trailer.
Literally the “hottest” scene was when Dakota Johnson appeared wearing a wool cardigan and I thought “Damn, if it’s warm enough in that office for every other bitch to go sleeveless, Dakota Johnson must be hot as fuck.” Other than that, I have a hard time remembering the rest of what happened in the trailer, because it was boooorrrinnng and I fell asleep. I actually had to throw on some Lana Del Rey to wake my ass up. The trailer is 2 and a half minutes long, and most of that time is dedicated to Beyoncé moaning “Crazy in Love” like a narcoleptic zombie and Jamie Dornan looking like he just woke up from a botched lobotomy.
Meanwhile, a million middle-aged pussies just exploded fire like an active volcano from all the XXX hotness.
And here’s the star of the hottest, raunchiest, nastiest mainstream porno of all time looking like Fifty Shades of Prairie Hipster with her boyfriend in New York City yesterday.
On February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorces filed in one single day will be made when millions of husbands file for divorce, because they’d rather legally break up with their wives than fulfill their wives’ VD gift request of suffering through Fifty Shades of Shit. Fifty Shades of Grey doesn’t splatter against movie screens until VD 2015, but they’re already farting out trailers and teasers and teaser trailers, because they want to torture us all and they know that the anticipation will tickle at the dormant clits of middle-aged moms and get them to buy their tickets NOW.
Seen above looking like a Las Vegas ninja taking a boring shit, Beyonce threw up a teaser for the Fifty Shades of Puke trailer, which comes out on Thursday. The teaser trailer doesn’t show the only thing I want in a Fifty Shades of Grey teaser trailer, a close-up of Jamie Dornan’s bare ass, but it does have a slowed-down, fuck me version of “Crazy In Love” in it. Yes, Beyonce is involved in Fifty Shades Of Smegma. This is Beyonce’s way of reminding you that her ass will do anything for more MONAY!!!!!!! I know Beyonce’s a sub, but it would’ve made more sense if Basement Baby was involved in this mess instead since she’s the Christian Grey of the family. We all watched her slap and spank at Jay-Z in that elevator.
Here’s the trailer for the trailer:
That moaning at the end sounds like Beyonce’s doing the “uh oh uh oh” from Crazy In Love while lying in a Calgon bath during an Ambien and red wine-induced half coma. That half-asleep moan is the same half-asleep moan that I’ll probably make when I drag myself to see this piece of shit in theaters. Yes, I’ll probably see this wreck in theaters, because I don’t love myself and will suffer through some serious shit to see Jamie Dornan’s ass on a huge screen in front of me.
Literally The Only Reason To Watch This Mess: Aaron Taylor-Johnson Will Be In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”
The studio executives at Universal must have finally realized that toning down all the fucking and sucking in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie leaves it with as much intense raw sexuality as a trip to Carpet Barn, because someone gave the go-ahead for director Sam Taylor-Wood to sex it up a bit by casting her husband and object of her cougar-y affection, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, in a last-minute role. Sam TaylorMade 3-Wood told Access Hollywood that she was able to find a way to get her hot 23-year-old husband, but wouldn’t say what role he was playing.
Someone needs to tell Sam Cougar-Would (Would she get her cougar-on with an 18-year-old? She would) that if she wants to put middle-aged mom butts in seats, she needs to be a little more explicit regarding just how much Aaron Taylor-Johnson there will be in Fifty Shades of Snooze. Will he be shirtless? Do we get to see his ass? What about Aaron Taylor’s johnson? Eh, it doesn’t even matter; she could promise a 60-second-long full-frontal HD close-up shot of his dick, and it still wouldn’t make it worth sitting through 2 hours of that trashy Twilight fanfic.
But until then (aka my dreams, because there’s no way in hell we’ll get to see his weenis) here’s Aaron Taylor-Johnson at the London premiere of Godzilla with his wife Sam Taylor-Wood, who always looks like an adult version of that Side Eyeing Chloe kid:
“Duh” – that outfit.
I’m the last person who should be judging movies (the fact that my favorite film – YES I SAID FILM – is Bio Dome tells you something about how few cylinders are firing at any given time in my brain) but even I know that without full-frontal dong-shots, Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to be a boring mess. And according to an interview with Vanity Fair (via Us Weekly) it looks like my hopes of Dakota Johnson coming to the rescue by embracing this goofy trash and camping it up are crushed, because even her character, Anastasia Steele, is putting her to sleep, too:
“[I did] a lot of getting into the character’s head — Ana’s headspace — kind of before she meets Christian,” Johnson explained to the magazine. “So it’s a lot of reading, which I love. But she’s an English major, so that’s kind of boring.”
Why oh why couldn’t E. L. James have written Anastasia Steele as a melodramatic, glue-sniffing, washed-up model from the 90s?? Unless they’re re-writing part of the script to include a wisecracking robot with a penchant for butt jokes, nothing can save this movie. Regardless, at least Dakota someone will pay to watch it:
Johnson, like Fifty Shades fans, can’t wait for the premiere — and to see who will attend. “I wonder if it will be, like, 40-year-old moms, which I am cool with,” she said. “I love moms.”
That’s nice, but know who won’t love the thousands of 40-year-old Fifty Shades moms? The poor souls assigned to clean up the red carpet after the premiere. Mark my words: that carpet will be so flood-damaged, FEMA will be called in with every 10 gallon capacity wet/dry vacuum cleaner in the country and an industrial-sized vat of Febreze.
Most of us figured that the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is going to be as erotic as a lone turd floating in a rest stop toilet (all offense to you sucio SCAT QUEENS who find that erotic), but at least there was a chance that we’d get several shots of Jamie Dornan’s bare ass and maybe a quick shot of his soft dick. But all Wagreens are sold out of coochie moisturizer today, because millions of middle-aged soccer mom snatches dried up as soon as one of the producers of that mess said that it wasn’t going to be explicit. Those horny moms who demand Dornan dick will revolt!
According to Deadline, at a Producers Guild event at Sundance this morning, producer Michael de Luca said that they don’t want an NC-17 rating, so they’ve toned down the fuck scenes and moms don’t have to ask for extra popcorn butter, because they’re not going to need any lube since there won’t be any dick shots.
“We’re going to give them what they expect, which is an intense and erotic love story. A picture is worth a 1000 words. So to be erotic onscreen means I think an image is going to have way more power than reading the words on a page. Not to sound corny, but it is, at its heart, a young love story. I think those things always work,” he said of the blockbuster trilogy of books. No matter what you think about the book, those things are in that story and they are very cinematic. I think people love a good love story and the these two characters endeared themselves to 90 million readers so it’s hard to say that it didn’t connect on a deeper level than just its more sensationalist aspects, but it was the love story that did it for me.”
From what I know about the book, the S&M shit is already about as tame as a kitten whipping a baby bunny with its tail, so the movie is going to be 100% vanilla. It’s just going to be 2 hours of that Ana chick blabbering at the mouth about her inner goddess while Christian Grey looks at her all mean-like. They might as well get Rosie O’Donnell to shoot a cameo and re-package the whole thing as a sequel to Exit to Eden, because what’s the point? This is exactly why I usually just stick to porn. It gives me what I want: hard dick, sweaty ass and rent-a-center furniture.
And I guess this means there will be no tampon scene, which probably gave Dakota Johnson the sads. She wanted that to be the scene they used when she’s nominated for a Best Actress Oscar next year.
Here’s Dakota and Jamie shooting that tame wreck in Vancouver a few days ago.