A Showing Of “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Had To Be Evacuated After A Woman Barfed All Over The Place And Shat On Herself
File this directly in the THINGS THAT ARE TOO EASY file. Right next to a picture of me.
I don’t know what it is about the UK and Fifty Shades of Meh, but they’re having strong feelings about it. They’re either glassing tricks who tell them to shut their mouths or they’re vom-ing everywhere and caca-ing themselves. The Milton Keynes Citizen says that at a sold-out Valentine’s Day showing of Fifty Shades of Grey (Why are we just hearing about this important shit and vomit news now?) at Cineworld in the town of Milton Keynes in England, audience members started complaining about the smell of puke and poop filling the theater. I don’t know if I would’ve complained. I would’ve guessed that the theater is really technologically advanced and had Smell-O-Vision installed. Barf and caca is the natural scent of Fifty Shades of Shit, right? Well, everyone in the audience quickly found out that the stank scent was coming from a drunk woman who just couldn’t resist the urge to turn the theater into a barf and scat party.
One audience member said that after she butt barfed and puked up all of her insides, she couldn’t move and had to be carried out. Because of the shit show in the audience, the shit show playing on the screen was canceled. Everyone was told to get out and they were given refunds.
“I’m not sure of her age but she so drunk she couldn’t move. She practically had to be carried out. And the mess she left behind was just disgusting. There was no way they could clean it up there and then – it would be a specialist job, so the film was stopped and everybody had to leave. It was so disappointing. We’d really been looking forward to seeing it after reading the books. It was an absolute disaster. There is nothing less romantic than seeing a woman be violently ill everywhere.”
That last line. There’s a Bill Cosby joke there, but I’m not touching it today. You know, I haven’t seen Fifty Shades, but I thought this happened at every showing? Isn’t this just a normal, natural reaction to that movie?
And I bet that as that drunk lady was carried away, a husband who was dragged there by his wife, discreetly tucked 200 bucks into her pocket and threw her a “good job” wink.
Raise your hand if you too looked at this picture of Jamie Dornan and the sad Charlie Brown music started playing. Something tells me that’s the exact same face he made when his agent told him he’s not going anywhere.
Yesterday there was a rumor going around that Jamie Dornan had found a loophole in the contract he signed with Satan that could get him out of a Fifty Shades of Grey sequel and he was saying ‘bye bitch’ to Christian Grey. However, today Jamie Dornan is saying the rumor that he’s leaving is a lie (even if in his heart I’m sure he wishes it were true). Jamie’s people released a statement to ABC News today confirming that he has no plans to leave that awful mess:
“Jamie is delighted that the film is breaking box office records worldwide and whilst the studio has not made any formal announcements about sequels, he is looking forward to making the next film.”
I speak bullshit PR, so allow me to translate for you: Jamie signed a contract, so Jamie can’t leave. We don’t care how embarrassed he is of Fifty Shades, as long as this shit is pulling in more money than Jesus after rigging the powerball in Heaven, he’ll put on the grey suit and make with the slappitty-slap.
Well, there you have it. Looks like EL James can stop writing a list (sorry – poorly writing a list) of potential hunks to replaceme Jamie and living breathing tube of unflavored Carmex Dakota Johnson can stop texting her agent “NOT FAIR! WHY DOES HE GET TO LEAVE?!?“
“Hey, what are the chances that you could get me out of it too?” asked Dakota Johnson.
Even though the horny horny mommies have spent nearly $410 million of their damp dollars on the film Fifty Shades of Grey and would easily spend another $410 million to see Part 2, there’s apparently not enough money that could make anyone associated with that sleepy mess stick around for a sequel. First director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel hint that they don’t want anything to do with it, and now Australian magazine NM (via The Mirror) says Christian Grey himself is trying to tip-toe his way to the exit door. According to a source, Jamie Dornan has told producers that he won’t be back for a Fifty Shades sequel, and there are a couple reasons why.
1. Jamie’s wife, Amelia Warner, isn’t crazy about him getting mildly sexy on-screen. The source says she hasn’t seen the movie, probably never will, and doesn’t want to think about all the horny former Twihards types getting moist for her husband.
2. Jamie was promised the movie would make him a big star, but so far its just made him the big star of a crappy movie. Jamie apparently hates reading all the bad reviews of Fifty Shades and he doesn’t want to read any more.
3. Jamie is done working with living breathing grey turtleneck Dakota Johnson because they had zero chemistry. Additionally, he thinks the bad reviews are her fault because she “gave him nothing to work with”.
That feels like an awful lot of words just to say “…because the sequel will suck“, doesn’t it? That source could have just said “Jamie Dornan doesn’t want to come back for the Fifty Shades sequel, because DUH, it’s a sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey” and we’d all nod our heads in agreement, because that explanation makes perfect sense.
Most of the Fifty Shades of Grey reviews I scanned over said that the movie was better than the caca puddle of a book, because the screenwriter Kelly Marcel scrubbed out most of the dialogue and replaced it with lines that didn’t totally make the audience want to scream out the safe word. The safe word being “refund.” E.L. James (born name: Erika Mitchell) probably didn’t like that her poetic dialogue was discarded like that, because she’s reportedly trying to convince Universal to let her write the script for the sequel by herself. This is the best news for all of us who really appreciate a train full of shit crashing into a train full of vomit.
Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.
The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.
One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:
“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”
A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.
What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).
On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.
And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.
All together now: “MOM! This is all your fault!”
Speaking of moms, I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, so I didn’t get to see Fifty Squirts of Shit, because ew, I’m not going to see that with my mom, and if I did make her see it she could press charges against me for parent abuse. I didn’t see that mess, but pretty much everybody did. Deadline says it will make $81.67 million in three days and it’s expected to hit $90 million at the end of President’s Day weekend. Us Americans aren’t the only messes who want to be whipped in the eyes with Jamie Dornan’s stiff acting (I wish it was his stiff something else). Deadline also says that Fifty Shits will take in $158 million internationally after just 5 days. Right now, the worldwide opening weekend estimate is $239.7 million. When civilization ends, the elder aliens of other planets will tell their young that one of Earth’s final downfalls was that Fifty Shades of Grey made $239.7 million in its opening weekend.
Kingsman: The Secret Service will get second place at the domestic box office with $35.6 million. The Spongebob movie will land at third place with $30.5 million. American Sniper will also pass $300 million this weekend. I hope that means that the fake baby from American Sniper will get a bonus and can finally upgrade its ass implants.
Deadline says that Fifty Shits, which cost $40 million to make, has broken all kinds of records. It’s the biggest February opening since Passion of the Christ opened with $83.9 million in 2004. It also broke the record for the biggest Valentine’s Day and President’s Day weekend openings. It also beat Justin Bieber’s record for the most number of women its left disappointed and cold inside. No, I watched the local news on Friday night and they were interviewing people as they came out of the theater. 80% of them were middle-aged moms wearing Sofia by Sofia Vergara jeans. One of them kept going on and on about how much she loved it and she didn’t want it to end. Her crotch sounded like a mop being wrung out when she walked away and I prayed for her cats who probably didn’t hear the end of it when she got home.
So, see, that shit brought somebody happiness. And I’m sure the BDSM community will embrace it when doms realize that if they really want to test their subs’ pain threshold, they’ll make them watch Fifty Shades while wearing this:
The safe phrase is: “Master, master, please take me to see Mortdecai instead. Anything but this!“
Since Madge knows sex and knows erotica, Billboard asked her if she’s spent any time with the Fifty Shades of Shit book. Madge has read it and reading it felt like reading a book on how to grow hydrangeas. It did nothing for her. That shit is preschool playground stuff to her. Madge says that book is for virgins, and it’s also really unrealistic, because according to her, Christian Grey spends way too much time with a mouthful of Steele poon.
Yes, I have. It’s pulp fiction. It’s not very sexy, maybe for someone who has never had sex before. I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, “Hmm, a lot of spanking.” I also thought, “This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much.” I’m sorry, but no one eats pussy as much as the guy in that book.
Yes, because a piece of Twilight fanfiction about a 27-year-old self-made billionaire who gets into a sex contract with a 21-year-old college newspaper writer who says “crap” all the time is supposed to be as realistic as possible. I don’t know how much pussy Christian Grey eats in that book and I also don’t know if Madge is right about dudes not licking the box a lot. But my guess is that many of her boy toys don’t go down on her all the time because they heard a tale during their travels. They heard that when you go down on Madonna, her muscled-up labia lips grab onto your tongue and as you scream, her powerful cooch sucks in your soul and youth. That’s probably why. But seriously, how can dudes eat Madge’s pussy when they’ve got a ball gag stuffed in their mouth and she’s pegging them?
Pic: V Magazine
I stamped the “Fuck That Shit” label on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie last November when Jamie Dornan said they couldn’t go too far and so he had to keep his todger and nuts wrapped up in a crotch bag. How the hell are you going to do a movie that’s mostly about boning and geared toward horny middle-aged moms and hard-up gays (see: me) and not show any dick? That’s some Spice Channel shit. When I was a teenager, my friend said that her parent’s never checked their cable bill so we ordered a Spice Channel porn. While watching that porn, we pretty much screamed for her parent’s money back, because they didn’t show any dick! None. That was a tragic day in my teenhood.
But Jamie wasn’t totally telling the truth. Fifty Shrugs of Meh opened at midnight (it’s already made $8.6 million from midnight screenings alone) and clips of Christian Grey’s bits have already squirted up on the Internet. MNPP posted two GIFs, one of which is a hint of Christian Grey’s peen and wild crotch bush. Yes, I already know there’s a picture of Jamie’s peen all over the Internet, but that pic is old and when you’re a desperate, pathetic, dick-hungry wreck like me, you take what you can get. So after the cut are NSFWish GIFs of Christian Grey’s sausage trunk and ass. Yes, this is what it’s come to:
Either Dakota Johnson’s dutch oven-ing herself to pass the time or Jamie Dornan made Fifty Sharts of Brown in his chonies and the scent wafted her way.
Fifty Shades of Grey is expected to bring in anywhere from $60 million to $80 million this weekend. That means every divorce lawyer in the country better open up bright and early on Sunday morning, because husbands will want to immediately file “I Quit This Bitch” papers after their wives dragged them to that mess on Valentine’s Day. Also, Walgreens and CVS better stock up on Monistat chafing relief gel, because middle-aged moms are going to need to buy several tubes after rubbing themselves nearly raw over their jeans while watching that wreck. The reviews started trickling in last night and I read through some of them, because my idea of nipple-tingling porn is the words of hate poetry from critics who thought it was trash. My nipples didn’t totally tingle.
So far the reviews are mixed to negative and most agree that it’s about as exciting as a sloth’s yawn, but also said that it’s better than the book and somewhat entertaining. But then again if Sam Taylor-Johnson shot nothing but a snail humping a leaf on a puddle of vomit and called it the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, it would still be better than the book. I also read a review that declared Dakota Johnson the best thing in that shit. Now we know what Melanie Griffith has been up to. She’s been working as a movie critic!
Here’s some pictures (via ONTD) that Sam Taylor-Johnson took of Jamie and Dakota for W Magazine. The chemistry and sexiness is seeping right through your screen. These look like pictures found in a brochure on how to tell your partner you have an STD. In most of the pictures, Jamie looks like he’s throwing his usual “What did I do?” face, but he also mixed it up by making a “Did I turn off the stove after boiling eggs this morning?” face. If a site called Awkward Fucking Photos existed, these pictures would be the crown jewel of its collection. But I do appreciate that they showed Christian Grey’s ass in that NSFWish picture of them doing it missionary-style. Christian Grey’s ass dimple is the perfect place for him to rest your tampon after he pulls it out of you for sex times.
All week long the Today show has been whoring out Fifty Shades of Grey hard, because they’re both owned by the same company and the producers of that cinematic shit show just knew that hearing human tap water drop Savannah Guthrie talk about the hot sex scenes would make you want to lube up your entire body and buy a ticket. I didn’t think anything could make Fifty Shades of Grey unsexier, but hearing Matt Lauer talk about it proved me wrong. Today’s non-stop whoring of Fifty Shades hit a fever pitch this morning when they hosted an early morning screening for the book’s biggest fans. RIP to the venue where that screening was held. Even if Fifty Shades sucked, you know those middle-aged moms still squirted out so much tapioca panty pudding that not even Hazmat could clean up the mess.
Before and after the screening, Savannah, Carson Daly and Natalie Morales did an interview with EL James, the movie’s director Sam Taylor-Johnson, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. It was Fifty Shades of Aaaaaaawkward. Jamie, Dakota and Sam tried to act like they were happy and excited but they looked like they were in the lobby of a clinic waiting for their HIV test results. Their mouths said, “I am excited,” but their faces said, “Get me the fuck out of here.” They all had Princess Charlene face. I know, after reading Gawker’s long post about how they all supposedly hate each other and Sam Taylor-Johnson’s words about EL James, I should have expected them to look about as happy and excited as a cow at a car wash.
But they don’t even try. In the pictures from this morning’s screening, Jamie looks like a dude who took his sister to the prom because his parents promised to put the down payment on the car he’s been eyeing if he did.
And in other news, the hell kind of melting snowman dominatrix secretary shit is Dakota Johnson wearing?